You download the app, upload your very best pictures, write your bio of the shiny person you see yourself to be, and you’re off!
You may as well be sat in the casino, it’s the hand held slot machine, dehumanising people, and un-romantizing love, desensitising us to emotions and thoughts, and us leading with our groins and the idea of spontaneous sex. The internet version of a sweet shop at your finger tips. Only the very best versions of everyone for sale…
I find myself using the apps out of boredom, my hand in continuous motion of swiping left, because realistically I don’t want to meet anyone off there. I swipe left that quickly and constantly that I do occasionally think ‘fuck’ he was fit, and I’m certainly not paying a subscription to swipe back!
I find with me everyone in my inbox looks like a clone of the next, 6ft+, stubble, nice eyes, floppy dark hair, tanned.. it’s quite the running theme for me. I have a type and unless people fit the type I tend to switch off very early!
Now the difference between bumble and tinder, is bumble is about the girl making the first move, that really isn’t me! Someone once told me tinder is a hook up site, and bumble is more classy, nope… pretty much everyone inc that guy is on both sites anyway, but I prefer tinder as I prefer a guy to make the first move, in my head it sits with my kinda traditional values and wants in a guy.
What I don’t understand is the cult like following these apps generate, the only thought and notion that this is the only way to meet someone, and sometimes in my own head I’m perplexed why I find myself thinking the same, maybe because I’m a single parent? I feel I’m in a rat race, and competition and it’s killing my soul, I’m judged at a swipe, my whole life and who I am judged by a swipe of someone’s disjointed view on reality because 80% of women are edited to fuck on there! Is it even a fair race!
I consider myself a good person, but I find myself questioning with every session on the apps, in my head it’s a constant no, no, no, no.. it becomes boring, and when I do find a hottie, I’m like, ok is he a cat fish! 😜
A few months ago now, I kept coming across a profile of a guy who was kind of my type, but wasn’t, hard to explain, and I had this gut feeling that nope ‘judgemental, chasing 25 year olds, loves himself, fuckboy’ , but he kept popping up in my radius, and I found myself thinking just swipe right, and as bumble is, I made the first move, and looking back with how I feel now, I love and hate the fact I matched! It’s a strange one with this guy, as we have children the same age, we frequent the same coffee shop and he lived just a few miles from me pretty much the last decade, but we never crossed paths, and in all honesty, being in love with David, I never would even look at another man, so maybe I just didn’t notice him. Fast forward on 2-3 months and I’m left even after the last few weeks, feeling like I don’t want to date or talk to a man ever again!
So conversation started and I can’t explain but something about this conversation felt perfectly safe, easy, nice, we would speak and text for hours on end, and like I said I can’t explain, it felt different. I would find myself absorbed in him, infected by a lust and addicted to his chat, hours would go by of my day, and I would be sat laughing at our whole chat. When we wouldn’t speak for a few days I found myself missing him! My friends were convinced he had a girlfriend, but nope he was single, he would just vanish for a few days, and then bounce back into my life and the chat would start all over again!
After 3 weeks chatting we went on a date, something about his company felt different, and like I said in some ways he was my type esp height wise, but perhaps facially a little different to my norm, but I found myself so shy, so excited and so turned on in his company, I spent the whole date wanting him, thinking about wanting him, then we parted on a kiss, and left! Five minutes drive later I realised I was behind him in My car, and he asked me to follow him, the excitement was incredible and I found myself jumping in his car to kiss him, and I can honestly say it’s one of the most passionate kisses I have ever had, it left me wanting a lot more.
From that moment on the intensity and chat grew, and I couldn’t wait to see him again, we still spoke daily, but he still wasn’t asking me for a second date, the weeks went on and my girls warned and warned me, but you know me always wants to see the good in someone, and always holding out for that belief prince charming did exist, I mean we spoke daily, pretty much, of the normal and sexual chat, so in my head, I was like he is just a busy person like me, and he must like me? We exchange pics and chat! I even found myself dropping hints and taking the mick as to when the second date will be, and still he skipped over the subject, part of me was like ‘This is ridic’ and thinking in my head, this guy is on the look out for another. Then when he was on holiday the girls said to me, check his Bumble location, as I didn’t realise it changes to where you are when you are using it, WOW to say I was crushed when I saw his location was spain was an understatement, and after thinking all night, I sent him a message to say goodbye and all the best, it coincided with a very serious issue my friend had, had over her pics being sent around, and thankfully he didn’t have anything quite like that, but still the whole episode filled me with major anxiety, and I said by goodbyes, but I found myself not being able to delete our chat or his number, so a few hours later, before he had seen the message, I was able to delete!!! This was my error, I should have walked away!! It was just so hard because he really is a good person and not your typical dick!
Now anyone who has been deeply in love with a long term ex, this will resonate, when you finally meet someone you ‘feel’ something for, the overwhelming sense of guilt, even though I have been single for so long, I felt like I was cheating on David, he is what feels like my life long love in so many ways, and I felt ashamed that I finally really liked someone else, even now I sit here with such conflicting thoughts. The ship with David has sailed, and there will always be a love, I recently asked him if he still fancied me, and he does, lol, but with family drama, he has said himself now, from my actions and his actions, too much has gone on, and in a real outside look, we know there is no future, but as father of my child, I cannot help but feel guilty, and I know thats because the love I had with him was very real.
Now back to my bumble situ, the weeks had passed, and one morning when I was an absolute shit state of a mum on the school run, I went into get my normal morning coffee, and I cannot even begin to explain what happened!!!!!! He was in there, so rather than be my normal self and bounce over to him, I mean we had spoken daily and already met, my anxiety took over and, coupled with the fact his ex knows everyone in the coffee shop, for a few moments I had a million thoughts in my head, will he appreciate me speaking to him?? Will the staff notice? Is he busy working? So I sat away, and had work to do myself, but then found myself texting him from a few tables away, feeling so foolish, thinking, I just want to, go and sit by him, but then it was time to leave, and I went and sat in the car, kicking myself, then he came up-to the passenger window, and I found myself almost back to normal with his smile, like I said, facially he wasn’t my normal type, but he has the most kindest eyes and cute face, and I cheekily asked him to get in (slightly embarrassed by the state of my car, joe and I are complete car scruffs) , I pulled around the. corner to his car, and in my head I was like, wow I look a shit state, my face is puffy from steroids, I have endo belly, and I’m in my scruffs, but at the same time, I was like no this is him, he knows me, its fine, we kissed in my car for a few mins, and he was on his way, for a few hours after we exchanged messages, and all seemed normal, then nothing… nothing for 2/3 days, I went into the coffee shop and the weirdest thing happened, I realised his ex and daughter were sat right next to me, after I heard her name called, after they left I sat there looking at the couple of messages I had sent him, and deleted them, and I drove home, then a text came through from him, asking if I had deleted them because he hadn’t been in touch, and had I got five minutes to speak! FUCK MY LIFE, in my 40 years on this planet I got my first, ‘Its not you its me’ , I listened to what he had to say, and could feel myself feeling an immense sense of being crushed, and I came off the call and sobbed, almost like a boyfriend had broken up with me, then I was crying, because I felt stupid, I mean what even was it, why was I so connected to him, why did it weirdly feel like it was something, when really it hadn’t been, but like my friends told me, chatting to someone daily for hours on end, is like a relationship, label or not, 2 whole months of this, not just a few weeks! Its been 2/3 weeks now, and its beyond crushed me, because I genuinely like the guy, and he said we are not on the same page, and he wants to be on his own, which is clearly ‘Ive met someone else’ or ‘I don’t fancy you’ , because if someone likes someone, they make time and they want to be in your life and you in theres, its just fact! I stepped away and didn’t speak to him for a while, but I found myself missing him, missing his chat, and the other day he hinted I must have dates lined up, (talk about friendzone comment), and I just said nope, you’ve put me off men, what I really wanted to say was, ‘I’ve fallen for you so much’, …but hey I’m not that much of a dick, he isn’t stupid, he knows , he’s just a nice guy, who tried to dress up hurting me with the ‘Its not you its me’ , because like my gut told me, he’s probably the type of guy going after 25 year old influencers.
…..And this folks is the reality of internet dating, everyone the majority of times ends up on the wrong page, driven by lust and desire, because after all we are driven by chemical reaction, and not the person behind the image, the sad thing about us women, is we want to believe the good in people, especially if any of you are like me, and when we chat and get on so so well with someone, it almost sets a foundation for ‘what ifs’ to creep in. I can’t say what the hell happened to me on this one, and perhaps now i’m still delusional thinking, that kind of connection is rare, but however much it was real on my side, it wasn’t for him, and reality is he’s probably like that with everyone he swipes right on. The only thing I’m left with is ‘what a shame’ if anything was ever real on his side, we didn’t even have sex or get intimate, which knowing me, would have solidified a big yey or ney, but after a few months, I really did think, that was the next step.
When everyone says to me, “Forget him, there are plenty more, look at your matches,” I just cannot act like that. My friends love me because they are brutally honest. One of my best friends even said, “You probably feel more guilty because you were with your ex for so long.” I guess that is true to some extent, but whatever we were, this guy and I, it was genuine for me. I’ll still feel the same a few weeks on. And when this week he asked what my plans were, I was romanticizing of him asking me out, or to see me, but I find a lot of his chat weirdly made me feel like that, so maybe all along it was in my head, and the sexy talk time, was a means to an end to pass his lunch hour..
So ladies, what are your thoughts on app dating, what are your stories? Has this ever happened to you? Have you fallen for a stranger? Lets share our dating app stories, have you fallen for someone who has given you the ‘Its not you its me’ ??? Very interested to hear…
The Girl Who 