2026 – The year Choosing Me: The Moment I Stopped Waiting to Be Chosen

There’s a truth I’ve had to learn the long way round:

Sometimes you have to experience the wrong people to finally understand your worth.

Not in a cliché way and not in a “everything happens for a reason” way, but in a very real, very lived way, where each connection leaves a mark, teaches you something, and slowly pulls you back to yourself.

I’ve loved different kinds of men.

Last year I met the one who felt electric at the start, passionate, intense, everything turned up to 100. The sex was something else, I mean girls, there is good and then there is WILD! Insane until it wasn’t. Until the warmth turned into walking on eggshells. The subtle put-downs. The control disguised as care. The disappearing acts followed by apologies that reset everything… until the cycle began again and I lost myself in that, not just emotionally, but physically too. So swept up in the sex, attention, gifts and love-bombing, I suddenly realised after watch him down pink cocaine for two weeks, that this was not the kind of man who should be in mine or my Childs life.

Then came along a good man, Kind-hearted, Safe, I thought. Someone I let myself open up to in a way I hadn’t in a good few years. We built something slowly, calls, messages, shared moments across distance, it felt so familiar… And then… he shut down.

No warning. No gradual fade. Just a switch.

One minute, he was planning a weekend with me, so excited I was in his country. The next, it was “this feels like pressure, I should respect my boundary, I can’t do long distance”, That kind of emotional whiplash does something to you. It doesn’t just hurt, it changes how you see people. How you trust. How you show up. I’m so glad I didn’t have sex with him, because in all honesty seeing his insecurities at play with avoidance, makes me feel there would have been disappointment. I think it felt familiar, because it threw me back into the summer of 2023, another situation, the calls, messages, consistency, deep intimacy on all levels except sex.

and somewhere underneath all of that, there’s been another truth sitting quietly in my life:

There is someone I love… who didn’t choose me, and it was after the experience with my Californian guy, I realised, it simply reminded me of that! The heartbreak of 2023, where I wasn’t chosen, but had fallen anyway..

For a long time, I told myself it was limerence, Infatuation. Something I’d grow out of, however time has a way of clarifying things, not erasing them and the truth is some feelings don’t fade just because they’re inconvenient, they simply get avoided.

But here’s what I’ve realised:

Someone not choosing you doesn’t make them “the one.” It makes them unavailable.

The Pattern I Couldn’t Ignore

There’s something else I started to notice.

Men would leave… choose someone else… build lives with other women.

Then years later, they’d come back, Telling me I was always the one, That they see me now, That they made the wrong choice. It happened last summer. I had a call, with an ex asking to meet me, I was seeing the narcissist at the time, and I declined, but he pushed and pushed, so I agreed ten mins in a public place only. I showed up, and was met with, basically I was the one perfect for them, I was the one they loved, I was the one aligned, I was so shocked, but its not the first time this has happened.

But by then, it’s too late, Because love isn’t just about recognition, It’s about timing. It’s about courage. It’s about choosing.

And I deserve to be chosen in real time, not in hindsight.

I appreciate if things don’t work out with someone else they chose, and then try and rekindle, but I will never be the other woman, whilst you keep someone there incase I say NO, and I did say NO!

The Misunderstanding of Who I Am

I think part of my story is this:

People think they know me when they first meet me, I get judged all the time. They see confidence, Strength, Independence.
They assume I’m “a lot.”, That I’ll be hard to handle. People see the Kerry now before them, not the Kerry I was for all of my life, they see the girl with the lips, the tan, the hair, taking images and posing, and they see me in a certain way, because that’s what their ind interprets.

But the truth?

In a relationship, I’m soft, I’m calm, I’m loyal, I’m simple in what I want.

A quiet life.
A genuine connection.
A partner to build with, not perform for.

And it’s only later, when they’ve already chosen someone else, that they realise actually she’s the opposite to who she comes across as, But I’m not waiting around to be understood after the fact anymore. Judgement is on them, Darlings, not me!

What I See Clearly Now

I see the half-effort.

The “let’s plan something” followed by inconsistency.
The words that don’t match actions.
The low-level energy that expects access to me.

And I’m done with it, yep over it! You will remain in the archived, because quite frankly, I cannot be arsed seeing your face!

Because here’s the truth:

There is no attraction without consistency.
There is no connection without effort.
And there is no future where I am not fully chosen.

What I Actually Want

It’s not complicated.

I want someone grounded, Calm, Emotionally available.
Someone who values routine, health, stability. Someone who has kids already, maybe similar age to my child, so we can just enjoy watching the kids grow, rather than the stress and worry of having another! I love my life now to start all over again with a new baby. Someone who wants to build a life, not escape into one.

A home.
A partnership.
A quiet, real kind of love, that will last

Not the loud, chaotic kind that burns fast and leaves damage behind.

Just… a good man…

Here’s Where Everything Changed

At some point over the last 8-9 months, something shifted in me. In that time, I dated a narcissist, was sexually assaulted by someone I went on a date with, and then I met the ultimate avoidant. This was all meant to happen, and I don’t say that to minimise it, I say it not through bitterness or coldness, but

Clarity.

I realised I’ve spent so much time pouring into other people, trying to understand them, support them, love them, hold space for them…And not enough time choosing myself. Too much time not filling up my own cup.

So now?

I’m not chasing.
I’m not convincing.
I’m not waiting to be picked.

You either show me, consistently, clearly, and show that you choose me…
or you don’t get access to me at all.
..

There is no in-between anymore my body, my mind, my heart. No, you are not welcome!

It’s taken 42 years to reach this point, and I realise, I’m worth something, and it’s a deep routed find, and wow, my eyes are open.

For Any Woman Reading This

If you’ve ever felt like the one they come back to… but never the one they choose first…

If you’ve ever been “almost” loved properly…

If you’ve ever questioned your worth because someone couldn’t meet you where you are…

This is your reminder:

You are not too much.
You are not misunderstood.
You are not “almost.”

You are just no longer available for half-hearted love, and please hold your value high, hold it for someone who offers consistency, but offers to show up to! Not just a lunchtime meet in costa! Because the coffee dates are devaluing romance!!

However the true message stands, the moment you truly choose yourself, set your boundaries and recognise your value matters, is the moment the shift will happen!

Title: The “Minus 3, Plus 3” Dating Rule: Why Staying Within Your Age Range Leads to Better Relationships

In a world where dating apps expand your options endlessly and social media blurs generational lines, it’s easy to believe that age is “just a number.” However in reality, age often reflects something deeper, life stage, emotional maturity, priorities, and shared experiences. That’s where the “minus 3, plus 3” dating rule comes in.

This rule is simple: date people within three years younger or older than you. While it may sound restrictive at first, it’s actually a powerful guideline for building healthier, more compatible relationships.

Let’s break down why this approach works and why straying too far outside your age range can lead to frustration, imbalance, or emotional disconnect.. and can we just be clear? Just because a person can appear younger, crave to be younger and believe in their own heads they are younger… they are not! Remember that!

What Is the Minus 3, Plus 3 Rule?

The minus 3, plus 3 rule suggests that your ideal dating pool lies within a six-year window—three years younger to three years older than you.

For example:

  • If you’re 30, your ideal range would be 27–33
  • If you’re 25, your ideal range would be 22–28

This isn’t about limiting your options, it’s about increasing your chances of finding someone aligned with you.

Why Age Range Matters More Than We Think

Age isn’t just about numbers; it’s about timing.

People within a similar age bracket are more likely to:

  • Be in comparable life stages
  • Share cultural references and experiences
  • Have aligned priorities (career, relationships, family goals)
  • Match in emotional development

When these elements align, relationships feel more natural and less forced.

The Reality of Dating Outside Your Age Range

Many people who date significantly older or younger partners report similar patterns:

1. Dating Much Older: The “Parental Dynamic”
You may find yourself with someone who feels more like a mentor or even a parental figure—than a partner. This can create:

  • Power imbalances
  • Differences in lifestyle pace
  • Misaligned expectations about the future

Instead of growing together, one person often leads while the other follows.

2. Dating Much Younger: The “Emotional Gap”
On the flip side, dating someone significantly younger can come with its own challenges:

  • Emotional immaturity
  • Different communication styles
  • A focus on validation, attention, or social status

You may feel like you’ve outgrown behaviors they’re still navigating.

The Science Behind Age Compatibility

Research consistently shows that couples with smaller age gaps tend to have stronger, longer-lasting relationships.

  • A study from Emory University found that couples with a 1-year age difference had a 3% chance of divorce, while those with a 5-year gap saw that risk jump to 18%, and 10-year gaps increased it to 39%.
  • Relationship satisfaction tends to decline as age gaps widen, largely due to differences in priorities and life timing.

While exceptions exist, the trend is clear: similar ages often mean similar expectations and that’s key for stability.

Shared Life Stages = Stronger Connection

Being in the same life stage makes a huge difference in how a relationship functions.

Think about:

  • Career growth vs. career stability
  • Wanting to go out vs. preferring quiet nights
  • Building a future vs. figuring yourself out

When both people are navigating similar phases, there’s less friction and more understanding.

Emotional Maturity Isn’t Just About Age, But It’s Linked

While emotional maturity varies from person to person, age often plays a role in shaping it.

Within a close age range:

  • Communication styles are more aligned
  • Conflict resolution tends to be healthier
  • Expectations around commitment are clearer

When there’s a large gap, one partner may feel like they’re “carrying” the emotional weight of the relationship.

The Social and Cultural Factor

Shared references matter more than we realise.

From music and trends to technology and social norms, people in the same age group often:

  • Understand each other’s humour
  • Share similar formative experiences
  • Relate to each other’s perspectives more easily

These small connections build a strong foundation over time.

When You Ignore the Rule: What Often Happens

Stepping outside the minus 3, plus 3 range doesn’t always fail, but it often introduces avoidable challenges.

You might encounter:

  • Misaligned goals (settling down vs. still exploring)
  • Differences in emotional availability
  • Conflicting views on lifestyle and priorities

Over time, these gaps can become harder to bridge.

Why the Rule Supports Dating Success

The minus 3, plus 3 rule isn’t about limiting love, it’s about increasing compatibility.

It helps you:

  • Avoid mismatched expectations
  • Build relationships on equal footing
  • Create deeper emotional connection
  • Reduce long-term conflict

Ultimately, it sets you up for a partnership where both people grow together—not apart.

Final Thoughts

Dating within your age range doesn’t guarantee success, but it significantly improves your odds.

When you choose someone close to your age, you’re more likely to find:

  • Shared values
  • Similar life direction
  • Emotional alignment

And those are the foundations of a relationship that actually lasts, however from my own. experiences of dating outside this bracket, esp older men, they can’t stand the thought of getting older, so will mirror you, your interests and play the young at heart card! However darling, chasing validation on Instagram, doesn’t mean you aren’t nearly hitting 50! Beware of the mirror men hey!

If your past experiences have shown you the extremes, partners who feel too far ahead or too far behind, the minus 3, plus 3 rule offers a grounded, realistic approach to finding balance.

Because at the end of the day, the goal isn’t just attraction, it’s compatibility, stability, and mutual growth, and deep down security. An older man chasing a much younger woman, shows insecurity and vulnerability on their behalf, most of the time leading to discard, cheating and avoidance. It’s a boost to their ego, and deep down now, if I had to choose to date out of that bracket, it would be younger.. younger men aren’t chasing youth… (Yet)!!!

However do not let this post put you off, many successful relationships still work, but then there are some men who are just rare and at whatever age hold the capacity to love.

When two different people come together and learn to love one another…. ‘The Soul Mate Connection’

One of the most beautiful things about relationships is how two completely different people can come together, two individuals with their own interests, personalities, histories, and ways of seeing the world, and slowly begin to grow alongside one another.

At the beginning, you are separate worlds. Different routines, different habits, different comforts. One might love football, the other reality television. One might wake up early and love quiet mornings, while the other thrives at night. In the early stages, these differences can feel noticeable, sometimes even amusing.

But when a connection is real, something subtle and beautiful begins to happen.

Without even realising it, your worlds start to overlap.

You might find yourself sitting beside her watching ‘Love is Blind’, even though you never thought you would Or you might find yourself asking about the football score because it matters to him, and somehow that makes it matter to you too. What once felt like their interest slowly becomes something you share.

Not because you are changing who you are, but because love naturally invites you into each other’s worlds. You start to walk together on a path, a journey of alignment.

This is where the beauty of a true bond lies. Real connection doesn’t erase individuality. Instead, it gently weaves two lives together while still allowing each person to remain fully themselves.

Over time, the shift becomes deeper than shared hobbies or interests.

Their joys begin to feel like your joys.

Their worries begin to feel like your worries.

Their dreams start to intertwine with your own.

Their desires become yours, and yours become theirs. Not in a way that feels forced or sacrificial, but in a way that feels completely natural. Almost effortless.

And this is often when couples begin to say something that sounds strange to anyone outside the relationship:

“We’re basically the same person….”There are not many people who can look at the other and say this.. and that’s when you know you’ve found your person.

Of course, no two people are truly identical. You still carry your own thoughts, experiences, and individuality, however the connection becomes so deep that your emotional rhythms start to align. You begin to understand each other without needing to explain everything. Sometimes a look is enough. A silence can speak volumes.

It begins to feel like you are moving through life with someone who understands you on a level that very few people ever will.

The Feeling of a Soulmate

A true soulmate often doesn’t feel like fireworks. It feels like recognition, it feels like an intensity that overwhelms, engulfs you and blows your mind.

Like meeting someone your soul already understands.

You may notice that your values align naturally. Conversations flow effortlessly. Time together, calls together, feel peaceful rather than draining. Even when you disagree, there is still respect, still care, still a desire to understand each other rather than win.

You start to feel a quiet certainty.

Not the anxious kind of love that leaves you questioning everything, but the calm kind that settles in your chest and says: this feels right, this is my person, we’re basically the same person.

When you meet someone like this, life begins to align in unexpected ways. Your goals start to complement each other. Your emotional worlds feel compatible. You find yourselves growing together instead of pulling in opposite directions.

And that’s when many people say something that captures the depth of that connection:

“We’re the same person.”

Not because you are identical, but because your souls move in the same direction.

When everything aligns, your values, your intentions, your willingness to grow, the connection feels natural rather than forced. Being together doesn’t feel like hard work. It feels like partnership.

Like you are walking the same path…

And when you meet that person, something inside you recognises it. The noise quietens. The confusion disappears.

You simply feel… home…

When Trauma Tries to Protect Us

But there is another side to deep connection that many people don’t talk about.

Sometimes when we meet someone who truly sees us, who truly connects with us, it can feel overwhelming, to much, the boats rocking and it can cause incredible confusion and anxiety.

Not because the connection is wrong — but because it is powerful…

For many people, past experiences, heartbreak, or emotional wounds create protective patterns. We learn ways to cope with pain: shutting down, pulling away, overthinking, creating distance, or convincing ourselves that something is wrong when things actually feel right, but our physiological states tries to overwhelm us and force the pressure on ourselves, that we start to question everything..

Trauma often teaches us to protect ourselves.

But sometimes those protections can appear right when something beautiful is forming.

If someone is used to shutting down when emotions feel intense, they might withdraw from the very connection they’ve always wanted. If someone is used to expecting abandonment, they may start searching for problems that don’t actually exist.

And before they realise it, fear begins to interfere with something that could have been incredibly special.

This is why self-awareness matters so deeply in love….

When you recognise your patterns, when you understand how your past experiences might influence your reactions, you give yourself the power to respond differently.

Instead of shutting down, you pause.

Instead of running, you communicate.

Instead of assuming the worst, you choose curiosity.

Meeting someone who truly aligns with you can feel intense, scary and stir unwanted anxiety and pressures. It can stir emotions you’re not used to feeling. It can make you vulnerable in ways that feel unfamiliar.

But vulnerability is often the doorway to real connection.

Protecting Something That Matters

When you realise you have something special with someone, it’s important to nurture it.

That doesn’t mean the relationship will be perfect. Every connection will have moments of uncertainty, overwhelm, or misunderstanding. But what makes a soulmate connection so powerfu is the willingness to work through those moments together, however apprehensive and fearful you are

Instead of letting fear take control, you choose honesty.

Instead of letting overwhelm create distance, you talk about it.

Instead of pushing someone away when things feel intense, you lean into understanding what you’re feeling and why.

Real love is not just about finding the right person, it’s also about being emotionally aware enough to protect the connection once you find it.

Sometimes that means slowing down.

Sometimes it means communicating your fears.

Sometimes it means learning new ways to handle emotions you once avoided.

But when two people are willing to grow, the connection becomes stronger rather than fragile.

When You Know

When you truly meet your person, interests aside, emotions aside, even past trauma aside… something deeper connects.

Two different people.

Two different lives.

Yet somehow, everything aligns.

Your lives begin to weave together naturally. Your worlds blend. Your hearts recognise something familiar in each other.

And in those quiet moments — when you look at them and feel peace instead of doubt — you may find yourself saying something that captures it perfectly:

“We’re the same person.”

Not because you’ve lost yourselves, but because you’ve found someone whose soul walks beside yours, a heavenly feeling of your person walking alongside you, like the Universe and God have brought you both together..

And when that happens, when everything inside you says this is my person, when love feels calm rather than confusing, when being with them feels as natural as breathing…

You realise something powerful.

You’re home…

You have your person…