Category: personal-growth

The Evolution of a Woman: Redefining success in 2026

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

There is something incredibly powerful about walking into a room full of women who genuinely want to see one another succeed.

As I sat surrounded by other female entrepreneurs, business owners, professionals and creatives at a networking event yesterday, I found myself reflecting on just how much the world has changed. The conversations weren’t about competing with one another. They weren’t about who earned the most money, who drove the nicest car or who carried the newest designer handbag. Instead, they were about sharing ideas, opening doors, celebrating achievements and encouraging one another to take the next step.

It made me wonder whether we’ve quietly witnessed one of the biggest social shifts in modern history.

Forty years ago, the opportunities available to women looked very different. Whilst there have always been remarkable women who challenged expectations, many still grew up believing that security came from finding the right partner rather than creating opportunities for themselves. Financial independence was harder to achieve, business ownership was less common for women than it is today, and the expectation that men would be the primary breadwinner remained deeply rooted in society.

Those expectations didn’t appear overnight. For thousands of years, human societies evolved around different roles within families and communities. In many cultures, men often undertook physically demanding tasks such as hunting, protection and resource acquisition, while women played vital roles in raising children, gathering food, maintaining communities and creating the social bonds that allowed families to survive. Modern anthropology reminds us that these roles were often far more flexible than popular myths suggest, but they shaped expectations that lasted for generations.


One of the most fascinating things about psychology is that whilst our brains evolved in environments that looked very different from today’s world, they continue to adapt to the society we live in. For generations, survival often depended upon clear family roles, with security coming from stability and cooperation within small communities. Today, many women find themselves navigating entirely different expectations. We’re encouraged to build careers, raise children, nurture relationships, care for ageing parents, maintain friendships, prioritise our wellbeing and somehow succeed in every area simultaneously. It’s hardly surprising that so many women feel mentally exhausted. Modern psychology reminds us that whilst our opportunities have expanded dramatically, our brains are still learning how to navigate a world that asks us to wear so many different hats.

Fast forward to today and the picture is changing at an extraordinary pace.

Across the UK and around the world, women have been founding businesses, leading organisations, entering industries that were once dominated by men and creating financial independence on their own terms. Female entrepreneurship continues to grow, more women than ever are pursuing higher education, and increasing numbers are balancing careers, business ownership and motherhood simultaneously. Progress hasn’t removed every barrier, but it has undoubtedly expanded the possibilities available to women.

When I look around a room full of women in business at networking events, I don’t just see accountants, consultants, scientists, creatives, therapists or entrepreneurs.

I see courage.

I see women taking risks that previous generations often couldn’t.

I see women rebuilding after divorce, changing careers in their forties, launching businesses whilst raising children, studying for degrees at night and refusing to believe that one chapter of life should define the rest of it.

Perhaps that’s why these rooms feel different, they aren’t built on competition, they’re built on possibility.

I Sometimes I wonder what the women who fought for equal opportunities would think if they walked into a room like this today. A room filled with female entrepreneurs, business owners, professionals and leaders, openly sharing ideas, encouraging one another and building opportunities together. I suspect many would feel proud. Not because the journey is complete, but because each generation of women has continued to build upon the progress of those who came before them.

Before we talk about success today, it’s worth remembering how extraordinary the journey of women has been. My grandmother’s generation lived in a world with very different expectations. My mother’s generation pushed against many of those boundaries. My generation was raised believing we could have it all, Careers, Businesses, Families, Financial independence, Freedom. Yet with every new opportunity came new expectations, and perhaps that’s one of the greatest paradoxes of modern womanhood. We’ve gained choices our grandmothers could only dream of, but we’ve also inherited pressures they never experienced.

The twentieth century changed everything. Women won the right to vote, entered universities in greater numbers, broke into professions once closed to them and gradually moved into leadership positions across business, politics, science and the arts. Women such as Rosa Parks, Margaret Thatcher, Marie Curie, Maya Angelou, Oprah Winfrey, Anita Roddick and Sara Blakely each challenged expectations in different ways. Whether or not we agree with every decision they made, they demonstrated something powerful: that women could shape industries, influence societies and redefine leadership on their own terms. Every generation has built another step in the staircase the next generation climbs.

When I think about my own journey, I realise that success has worn many different faces.

At thirty years old, I thought I’d achieved everything I’d ever wanted.

I’d built my own house from the ground up, my own design and dream. I had a six figure income. There was a brand new Range Rover on the drive and I’d bought my then husband a brand new Audi. My wardrobe was filled with designer labels, from Christian Louboutin to Jimmy Choo, and from the outside looking in, life appeared exactly as I’d imagined success would look.

At that age, I was incredibly proud of what I’d achieved, and I still am. No one can ever take away the fact that I built those businesses, took those risks or created that life.

Those achievements are part of my story.

But if I’m completely honest…

I wasn’t happy.

Looking back now, I can see that I had become consumed by achievement. Every milestone simply led to another target. Every success became another expectation. I measured progress by numbers, possessions and productivity because that was the language I’d learnt success was supposed to speak.

Positive psychology has transformed the way we understand success. For many years, researchers assumed that achievement, income and status naturally led to happiness. Yet decades of research suggest something far more interesting. Once our basic financial needs are met, lasting wellbeing is influenced far more by purpose, meaningful relationships, autonomy and a sense of belonging than by accumulating more possessions. Looking back, I can clearly see that I was chasing external measures of success because I believed they would eventually make me feel fulfilled. What I didn’t realise was that fulfilment isn’t something we buy; it’s something we build through the life we create and the people we choose to become.

I was constantly chasing.

Constantly working.

Constantly thinking about the next goal.

At the time, I didn’t know any different.

Business wasn’t simply something I did; it had become who I was.

Years later, I would begin to understand something that psychology has explored for decades. Whilst financial security matters enormously, particularly when our basic needs are being met, lasting wellbeing tends to come from something much deeper than status or possessions. Research consistently shows that purpose, meaningful relationships, autonomy and a sense of belonging contribute far more to long term happiness than material success alone.

I didn’t know that at thirty, I just knew how to work and work I did.

People often asked me why I continued working for other companies whilst running several businesses of my own. The answer was simple. I wanted financial freedom. I wanted choices. I wanted to build something that nobody could ever take away from me.

As a woman, and later as a single mother, that independence mattered.

It still does.

Last year someone I dated suggested that I should give up my businesses, let go of my studies and find what he described as a “hobby job.” His view was that he would provide financially and that no wife of his would need to work. I’m sure those words were spoken from his own beliefs about relationships rather than with any intention to offend.

But they landed very differently.

For someone who had spent over two decades building businesses, taking risks, succeeding, failing, starting again and creating opportunities for herself, it wasn’t romantic.

It felt like someone was asking me to give away a part of my identity.

Not because I believe every woman should own a business.

Not because I think everyone should prioritise work.

But because every woman deserves the freedom to choose the life she wants to build.

That, to me, is what empowerment really means.

It’s not about earning more than somebody else.

It’s not about proving anything.

It’s about having choices.

Looking back now, I often describe the biggest change in my life as a shift in my energy. Some people might call it moving from a lower frequency to a higher frequency. Others might describe it as growing emotionally, becoming more secure or simply discovering what truly matters. Whatever language you choose, the change was profound. I stopped asking, “How do I look successful?” and started asking, “What kind of life actually feels meaningful?”

That single question changed everything.


If somebody had told the thirty year old version of me that one day I’d happily swap designer shoes for a pair from Primark, I’d probably have laughed. Not because there is anything wrong with either, but because my priorities were completely different.

Back then, success was something I could see. It was measured in cars, salaries, business growth and the life I had built around me. Today, success is something I feel. Somewhere along the journey, my perspective changed.

Perhaps it was becoming a mother.

Perhaps it was experiencing burnout.

Perhaps it was losing everything I once believed defined me.

Or perhaps growth simply has a way of stripping away everything that isn’t truly important.

The truth is, I no longer care about impressing anyone.

That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being ambitious. If anything, I’m more ambitious than I’ve ever been. The difference is that my ambition now has purpose behind it. I no longer work to prove my worth. I work to create a life that aligns with my values.

For years, people would often say to me, “You’re crazy.” Looking back, they probably weren’t wrong.

There was a period when I left my childs father with nothing but a spare bed and two seater sofa, where I worked a full time job whilst running multiple businesses at the same time. I was determined to create financial security, buy my own home and build a future that nobody could take away from me. I genuinely believed that if I just worked a little harder, slept a little less and pushed myself a little further, everything would eventually fall into place.

What I didn’t understand was that there is always a price to pay when we live as though we’re machines instead of human beings. Eventually, my body made the decision that my mind refused to make. I burnt out, I had been awake at 5am every day and not going to bed till midnight, trying to juggle a corporate role and run my own businesses, and this was not just Monday to Friday, it was every day for nearly two years. My weight dropped dramatically, my health deteriorated and I fell unwell both physically and mentally, perhaps hardest of all, I realised my son wasn’t getting the best version of me. That was the wake up call I needed

Modern psychology tells us that today’s women are often carrying an invisible mental load. Beyond paid work, many continue to organise family life, manage relationships, remember birthdays, arrange appointments, plan meals and carry the emotional wellbeing of those around them. Researchers describe this as cognitive and emotional labour, and whilst it often goes unnoticed, it consumes enormous mental energy. Perhaps it’s no surprise that so many capable women find themselves exhausted. We aren’t simply doing more than previous generations; we’re often expected to be exceptional in every area of life at once.

No business, no salary and no ambition is worth sacrificing the moments you can never get back. I was missing his little life. However as any single parent knows, to afford household bills and nursery bills, you need two salaries and even then it’s not enough.

That doesn’t mean I regret those years.

Far from it.

Those years taught me resilience. They taught me discipline. They taught me how to solve problems, how to manage people, how to build businesses and how to recover when things didn’t go to plan.

Some of my businesses flourished. Others didn’t.

One of the hardest decisions I ever made was closing my e-commerce business. It wasn’t simply a business. It represented years of hard work, creativity and relationships with incredible people. I had the privilege of working alongside talented staff, models and videographers who poured their own passion into making it successful.

Closing that chapter wasn’t failure.

It was recognising that life had changed, and so had I, moving towards and over the 40 mark changed me, I finally felt grounded.

One lesson entrepreneurship teaches you very quickly is that success isn’t always about holding on. Sometimes it’s about knowing when to let go so that you can create space for something new.

That’s exactly what I chose to do.

To the frustration of my accountant, who had looked after me for many years, I made another decision that surprised people.

I chose education over income. On paper, it probably didn’t make sense to others, Why walk away from businesses that were generating money to study in your forties?

Because, for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t making decisions based purely on financial return.

I was making decisions based on purpose, on fulfilment, with my heart.

Like many people, I’d spent years trying to work out where I truly belonged. I enjoyed recruitment. I enjoyed sales. I loved building businesses. I competed against others and myself and it gave me that reward and chase that had felt at the time so satisfying, yet every role taught me something valuable. But none of them quite answered the question I’d been asking myself for years.

“What work makes me feel most alive?”

Studying relationship psychology, coaching and therapeutic approaches finally gave me that answer.

For the first time, I wasn’t simply building businesses. I was building a career that reflected who I was becoming and deep down I think I was recognising who I had always been…

That shift changed everything. It also changed the way I looked at money. When I was younger, I thought wealth was measured by what I owned.

Now, wealth looks very different.

It’s sitting on a beach in California watching my little boy laugh as the waves crash onto the shore.

It’s collecting memories instead of possessions, It’s having dinner with friends and people who inspire me. It’s being able to choose work that feels meaningful rather than simply profitable.

It’s having enough, rather than constantly chasing more.

Don’t misunderstand me, Financial independence still matters enormously to me. I’ve worked too hard to pretend otherwise.

As a single mother, I understand exactly what it means to carry responsibility. Bills don’t disappear because you’ve decided to become more spiritual. Mortgages don’t pay themselves because you’ve embraced mindfulness. Financial security creates freedom, and freedom creates choice.

That’s one of the reasons I still take on additional work when opportunities arise, not because I’m chasing status, but because responsibility matters.

People often forget that behind every business are human beings. When you employ people, you’re not simply paying wages. You’re helping someone pay their rent. You’re helping another family cover their mortgage. You’re contributing towards school uniforms, holidays, food shopping and futures.

That responsibility never leaves you.

If taking on another project means protecting somebody else’s livelihood, I’ll do it every time, and that’s a dedication I make to the women I employ, when the business dips, I feel the weight and I work my ass off to ensure I don’t have to disappoint or let people down.

I’ve realised that leadership isn’t about standing in front.

It’s about standing behind people when they need you most.

Motherhood has reinforced that lesson more than anything else.

Today, when I budget, I don’t see limitation. I see intention. I don’t feel deprived because I choose high street over designer labels.

I feel grateful that I can spend that money taking my son travelling, introducing him to different cultures and creating memories that neither of us will ever forget.

Ironically, I feel wealthier now than I did when I owned far more, because peace has become my greatest luxury and that’s something money alone could never buy.

The Women We Are Becoming

As I looked around the room at the networking event, I found myself smiling.

Not because every woman there had the same story, but because every woman there had a different one.

Some were just starting their first business. Others had built companies over decades. Some were returning to work after raising children. Others were changing careers in their forties or fifties. Some were leading teams, while others were taking the terrifying first step towards becoming self-employed.

Every journey was different.

Yet there was one thing that connected us all.

Courage.

For all the conversations about women supporting women, it was refreshing to experience it rather than simply read about it. There was no sense of competition. Nobody was trying to prove they were the most successful person in the room. Conversations flowed naturally, advice was shared generously and introductions were made without expecting anything in return.

That, to me, is what real networking should look like.

It’s not about collecting business cards.

It’s about building relationships.

Perhaps that’s why rooms full of supportive women feel so different. Psychology has consistently shown that human beings thrive when they experience connection, encouragement and psychological safety. We become more creative when we don’t fear judgement, more resilient when we feel supported and more confident when someone believes in us before we fully believe in ourselves. Maybe that’s why women supporting women is so much more than a slogan. It isn’t simply good for business; it’s good for our wellbeing, our confidence and, ultimately, for the next generation of women watching us.

Psychologists have long understood that human beings thrive through connection. We are wired to belong. Supportive relationships improve resilience, reduce stress and even encourage us to take opportunities we might never have taken alone. Behind almost every successful entrepreneur is a network of people who believed in them, challenged them or simply reminded them to keep going on the difficult days.

Perhaps that’s why these rooms feel so energising. When people celebrate one another instead of competing, something changes.

Ideas grow.

Confidence grows.

People grow.

Perhaps another fascinating shift is what we’re learning about the diversity of women’s minds. In recent years, thousands of women have received diagnoses of ADHD and autism later in life after decades of being overlooked. It raises an interesting question. Are women’s brains changing, or are we finally beginning to understand them properly? The evidence suggests the latter, but it reminds us that our understanding of women continues to evolve. Every decade seems to uncover something previous generations simply didn’t recognise.

Looking back over the last twenty one years of running businesses, I can honestly say there isn’t one perfect path to success.

I’ve made brilliant decisions, I’ve made expensive mistakes, I’ve started businesses, I’ve closed businesses, I’ve changed direction more than once.

I’ve taken risks that paid off beyond my expectations, and I’ve taken others that taught me lessons no textbook ever could.

Would I change any of it?

No, because every success and every setback has brought me to where I am today.

People sometimes describe me as a “jack of all trades.” Years ago, I wasn’t always sure whether that was meant as a compliment.

Today, I wear it with pride.

Every industry I’ve worked in has taught me something about people. Every business has taught me resilience. Every role has developed skills that I now carry into the next chapter of my life.

There is no such thing as wasted experience. Only experience we haven’t yet understood the value of.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learnt is that success is never a straight line. Life doesn’t move neatly from one achievement to the next. Sometimes we have to step backwards before we can move forwards. Sometimes we close a business to discover a calling. Sometimes we leave a career we’ve spent years building because we’ve finally found one that feels like home. Sometimes we lose everything we thought defined us, only to realise that our greatest strength was never what we owned.

It was who we became while building it. That’s why nobody can ever take away what I achieved at thirty.

Yes, the house is gone. The cars are gone. The designer wardrobe has long since lost its importance.

But nobody can erase the determination, courage and resilience it took to build that life in the first place.

Those qualities are still mine and if I built it once, I know I can build again.

The difference is this time, I may have a smaller house, and a cheaper car, but the house is mine, and its my home, my little boys home, and I brought it. 

I’m no longer chasing success because I want people to admire it. I’m building a life my son can learn from. I want him to grow up understanding that success isn’t about what somebody owns.

It’s about how they treat people.

It’s about integrity.

It’s about showing kindness when nobody is watching.

It’s about having the courage to keep going when life doesn’t unfold as planned.

He’s already beginning to understand that.

If he wants something, he earns it.

If he wants a new toy, he helps around the house.

If we travel, he understands that those experiences come from hard work, planning and sacrifice.

They’re not things to be taken for granted.

They’re things to appreciate.

More than anything, I hope he grows up seeing a mother who wasn’t afraid to start again, because that’s another lesson we don’t talk about enough.

Starting again isn’t failure.

It’s courage.

Women have spent generations proving that they belong in boardrooms, lecture theatres, laboratories, creative industries and businesses of every kind. Today, I believe the conversation is changing again.

It’s no longer simply about proving we belong, It’s about deciding how we want to lead.

Do we lead with ego or empathy?

Do we build businesses that simply generate profit, or businesses that genuinely improve people’s lives?

Do we compete with one another, or do we open doors for the women walking behind us?

For me, the answer has become incredibly simple.

Success means lifting other people as you climb.

It means celebrating another woman’s promotion without questioning your own worth.

It means recommending someone else’s business because you genuinely believe in what they do.

It means recognising that there is enough room for all of us to succeed.

Years ago, I thought life was about reaching the destination. Now I know life is about becoming the person you meet along the way. The woman I am today isn’t the woman I was at thirty.

She’s calmer, She’s kinder to herself, She’s less interested in impressing people and more interested in understanding them.

She still dreams big, She still works hard, She still believes in building businesses and creating financial independence but she also knows that the richest life isn’t measured by numbers on a bank statement. It’s measured by the conversations that change us.

The friendships that sustain us, The work that gives us purpose, The memories we create with the people we love.

Perhaps this is the real evolution of women. It isn’t simply that we can vote, own businesses or build careers, important as those milestones are. It’s that more women are beginning to define success for themselves. Success no longer has to mean following a script written by society, family or tradition. It can mean building a business, raising children, travelling the world, changing careers at forty, returning to university, or simply creating a life that feels authentic. That freedom to choose may be one of the greatest achievements of all.

As women, we’ve come further than many of our grandmothers could ever have imagined. We still have challenges to overcome, inequalities to address and barriers to break, but we’ve also created opportunities that previous generations fought hard for us to have.

That deserves celebrating.

So, here’s to the women who dare to start businesses.

To the women changing careers in their forties.

To the women rebuilding after divorce.

To the women raising children whilst studying for degrees.

To the women quietly carrying responsibilities that nobody else ever sees.

To the women taking risks.

To the women starting again.

And to every woman who has ever looked in the mirror and wondered whether she was capable of more.

You are.

You always were.

Sometimes, you simply need another woman to remind you.

I’ve Finally Popped My Dating Cherry

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you’ll probably know something about me already.

I don’t really date, well I haven’t… not since splitting with my Child father.

That probably sounds ridiculous coming from someone who spends so much time talking and writing about relationships, attachment styles and modern dating, but it’s true.

Throughout my adult life I’ve tended to meet one person, spend weeks talking to them, build an emotional connection, and before I know it, we’re either in a relationship… or I’m left wondering what happened… which has happened really only the last few years, which I do attribute to the whole Dating scene in general these days.

I’ve always been an “all my eggs in one basket” kind of woman.

Until now.

This week, something changed.

Quite unexpectedly, a last minute change of plans led me to a date in Leeds this week, with someone I’d only just matched to, and it was actually really lovely.

It was lovely.

There is no long term future because he’s moving to Dubai, but that’s almost irrelevant. Sometimes people come into your life simply to remind you what healthy interaction feels like.

He was funny, Confident, Direct, No games, No mixed messages, No trying to decode whether he was interested.

No disappearing for several days only to reappear with a vague excuse.

Just… straightforward.

And do you know what surprised me most?

It made me realise what I’m actually attracted to, the kind of man I need..

It’s Not Just About Looks

Anyone who knows me well laughs that I clearly have “a type.”

In fact, my best friend joked yesterday that all my exes look like clones of one another. “Did this one look like a clone too?” she asked, and they really do.

Not quite.

But what attracted me wasn’t actually just his appearance. It was his communication. His confidence, His ability to say exactly what he meant.

It dawned on me that I don’t just find confidence attractive. I find clarity attractive. There’s something incredibly reassuring about someone whose actions match their words.

Someone who isn’t afraid to communicate.

Someone who doesn’t leave you wondering.

Someone who doesn’t make you work out whether they’re interested.

That’s attractive, that’s what creates chemistry.. uncertainty does not equal chemistry.

The Difference Between Online and Real Life

One thing I’ve also realised recently is how easy it is to create assumptions about someone online.

You can read someone’s LinkedIn posts, See polished Instagram captions, follow someones whatssap status, read articulate dating profiles, Watch their videos and naturally you begin building an impression of them, but social media isn’t conversation. The sense of humour and depth people put out to their nearest and dearest, isn’t for new people to presume or judge on, but maybe we give too much of ourselves to people who don’t deserve it, people who haven’t earned that priviledge just yet . I don’t think people do not necessarily judge on purpose, however people form a perception and fill in their own gaps, without giving the person they’ve never met a true opportunity.

Also there are so many people who communicate brilliantly online because they have time to think, edit and even use AI tools to polish what they want to say.

Then you meet them in person…

…and it’s completely different.

Sometimes the confidence disappears.

Sometimes the conversation struggles to flow.

Sometimes the emotional intelligence you imagined simply isn’t there.

It reminded me that chemistry isn’t something you can predict through a phone screen.

I’ve Always Put All My Eggs in One Basket

This has probably been my biggest dating pattern, Meet one person, Focus solely on them, Invest emotionally, Stop noticing everyone else, Build hope, Build expectations.

Wait.

And wait some more.

Looking back now, I can see why.

Psychologists often describe this as an investment strategy. Once we begin emotionally investing in someone, our brain naturally starts filtering out alternatives. People with anxious attachment tendencies, or simply those who value commitment highly, often focus deeply on one connection because exclusivity feels emotionally safer than spreading attention across multiple people.

Research has also shown that once people imagine a future with someone, they’re more likely to overlook incompatibilities and continue investing, even when the relationship isn’t progressing.

I can definitely recognise myself in that.

This Week Felt Different

For the first time, I found myself chatting to more than one person, Not because I’m playing games, Not because I’m collecting options, Not because I enjoy endless messaging.

Quite the opposite, I just know I’m dating with intention. There’s a huge difference, I’m getting to know people, Having conversations. Seeing whether there’s compatibility.

Allowing people the opportunity to show me who they are before emotionally investing everything into one person.

And honestly?

It’s been refreshing, but wow hard work. I’m struggling to chat, but know I have to, and it’s not going too bad.  I’ve realised how much emotional pressure I’d unknowingly placed on previous situations. When you only have one person in your mind, every message matters.

Every delay matters.

Every cancelled plan matters.

Everything feels amplified.

Now?

I’m simply enjoying getting to know people.

There’s far less pressure.

Far less overthinking, Far more curiosity.

Learning From My Last Situation

I’d spent around eight weeks chatting to someone recently. We never actually met. Looking back, there was a clear imbalance. Not necessarily because either of us were bad people. Simply because our communication styles were completely different.

Would we have been compatible in person?

I’ll never know, and that’s okay. Sometimes people aren’t chapters.

They’re lessons.

Rather than feeling disappointed, I found myself naturally friend zoning that situation before deciding to start dating properly, I tried to hold off and felt I gave it my all and showed the full me, understanding, patience, kindness and a part of me that I only show those super close, however I realise, maybe I shouldn’t have shown up like that, when you’ve never met someone they can’t ever know or see the real you.

Moving on wasn’t about replacing anyone.

It was about recognising that if something isn’t moving forwards, it’s okay to keep living your life, and coincidently the night I was going on a date, was the night our communication ceased.

Dating With Intention Isn’t The Same As Dating Casually

I think this is where people sometimes get confused. Dating multiple people doesn’t automatically mean sleeping with multiple people.

Those are two completely different things. For me, dating simply means meeting people.

Having conversations, on the phone (Yep the last situation weirdly spent 8 weeks texting and not one call – Yes I should of read the signs).

Going for Walks, Laughing, Learning. Seeing whether there’s compatibility.

I’m actually clearer now than I’ve ever been.

I don’t want casual sex, I have never felt the need for casual sex, because a few hours of madness, can leave you feeling awful the next few days..

Perosnally for me, I don’t need validation. I’m not looking for excitement for the sake of excitement. 

I’m looking for my person.

The next person I’m intimate with will be someone with whom I’m building something meaningful.

That’s my choice and it feels incredibly peaceful.

A Little Excitement

Last night I caught up with an old flame, We’ve both already agreed it’s not a date, and as he picked me up, he’d brought me a coffee for the journey, laughing at the fact he knows I hate coffee dates. 

It’s simply two people catching up. I felt super comfortable, no pressure, no expectations.

Just two people seeing whether they enjoy each other’s company.

And honestly? I loved wearing a pretty dress, linking arms and walking around the Docks was so pretty, Being myself, with someone who knew me, and although it was essentially just friends catching up, we flirted and it felt nice.

For the first time in a very long time right now, dating doesn’t feel scary.

It feels exciting, its crazy to think I’ve only had half a dozen dates the last few years, but right now, I feel comfy at just the chatting stage and maybe there maybe one or two more dates to pencil, but hey no rush. 

Maybe This Is What Healthy Dating Actually Looks Like

Perhaps I’ve finally realised something important. Dating isn’t about desperately hoping every person becomes “the one.”

It’s about allowing enough space for the right person to reveal themselves, to meet in person, and not judge too early. It’s about curiosity instead of pressure.

Connection instead of obsession.

Intentionality instead of urgency.

I’m still dating for a relationship.

That hasn’t changed.

But I’m no longer dating from scarcity. I’m dating from abundance.

There’s a huge difference.

So yes…

I’ve finally popped my dating cherry.

Not because I’ve suddenly become someone who dates endlessly, I can’t suddenly just change who I am, but because, for the first time, I’m allowing myself to enjoy the process rather than trying to rush towards the destination.

Wish me luck.

I have a feeling this chapter might be a good one… and I thought I would add in a few interesting Dating facts..

• Surveys consistently find that many users of dating apps talk to multiple people at once before becoming exclusive. This isn’t necessarily because they’re less serious, but because it helps them avoid becoming emotionally invested before compatibility has been established.

• As Relationship therapists, we often recommend delaying heavy emotional investment until you’ve spent time together in person. Messaging can create a false sense of intimacy because our brains naturally fill in the gaps with assumptions.

• Studies on modern dating suggest that clear, consistent communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. It’s often less about saying the “right” things and more about reliability, honesty and emotional availability.

• People who date with intention typically report focusing on shared values, emotional maturity and consistency over initial chemistry alone. While attraction matters, long-term compatibility is built through communication, trust and aligned life goals rather than butterflies alone.

Why Are Some Men Intimidated by Sexually Confident Women?

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Through My Own Lens

Relationships, intimacy and confidence are deeply personal, and no two people experience them in exactly the same way. As I’ve grown older, I’ve found myself reflecting on how my own relationship with sex, confidence and femininity has evolved. Along the way, I’ve noticed certain patterns through my own experiences and through conversations with therapy clients. This isn’t about speaking for all men or all women. It’s simply an honest reflection of what I’ve observed, what I’ve lived, and the questions I’ve found myself asking.

Perhaps you’ll recognise some of it. Perhaps your experiences have been completely different. Either way, I hope it encourages a conversation about intimacy, confidence and the way we connect with one another.

For years I saw myself as quite submissive.

I like being feminine. I enjoy looking after myself, my child and my home. In a relationship I naturally fall into a softer role, and in the bedroom I always assumed I was more submissive too, it always felt natural.

But something has changed in that as I have got older.

Not because I became more dominant, god no, not because I suddenly became someone different. I think simply became more comfortable in my own skin.

The way I experience intimacy in my forties is completely different to how I experienced it in my twenties and thirties. Back then, like many women, there was always a little voice in my head.

Do I look okay?

Should I move like this?

Am I attractive enough?

Looking back, I wasn’t fully present. I think many women have sex while carrying insecurities into the room with them. Sometimes we’re performing without even realising it. We become so focused on pleasing someone else that we forget intimacy should also be something we experience for ourselves. As I’ve healed, grown, lost weight, become healthier and far more accepting of my own body, something shifted.

I don’t hide anymore, I don’t overthink, I feel completely at home in my own skin.

Ironically, that’s when I started noticing something unexpected.

Some men seemed incredibly drawn to that confidence, Others seemed… intimidated by it.

Is Sexual Confidence Intimidating?

The answer isn’t yes or no.

It’s that confidence can expose insecurity.

Psychologists have long recognised that confidence in any area of life can sometimes trigger comparison in others. Rather than feeling inspired, some people feel inadequate. Intimacy is no different.

Sexual confidence isn’t about having countless partners.

It isn’t about being loud, outrageous or adventurous for the sake of it.

For me, it’s the opposite.

It’s about being emotionally present.

It’s about knowing what you enjoy, communicating honestly and allowing yourself to experience intimacy without shame.

Research consistently shows that women with greater body appreciation tend to report higher sexual satisfaction, greater communication with partners and lower levels of sexual anxiety. In other words, when we’re comfortable in ourselves, intimacy often becomes deeper rather than more performative.

“You’re Different”

One conversation has always stayed with me.

Last year I was in a committed relationship. Initially everything was wonderful. If I’m honest, it was probably the best sexual connection I’d ever experienced.

One evening we were lying in bed and he turned to me and said,

“You’re different to other women.”

I’ll admit, I braced myself for criticism, (he was the king of narcissism). 

Instead he said,

“I’ve been with a lot of women, but you’re different because you have sex for yourself as well as the other person. Most women don’t.”

That sentence has stayed with me ever since. At the time I didn’t fully understand what he meant. Looking back, I think he recognised something I’d never consciously thought about.

I wasn’t performing. I wasn’t worrying. I wasn’t trying to be someone.

I was simply present, Passionate, Connected.

To me, passion isn’t something reserved for the bedroom.

It’s how I approach life, I’m passionate about my work, About helping people, About healing, About relationships, About being alive.

Perhaps intimacy simply reflects that part of me. I think as with everything in life, I give it my all. 

Does Sexual Maturity Change as We Get Older?

One question I’ve found myself coming back to is whether women and men sometimes experience sexual maturity differently as they get older.

I can only speak from my own experience, but for me, confidence didn’t come from having more sex. It came from knowing myself better.

In my twenties and early thirties, I was far more aware of how I looked, whether I was “doing it right” and whether I was attractive enough. As I’ve got older, all of that has faded into the background. Today, intimacy feels less about performance and much more about presence. I know my body, I’m comfortable communicating, and I allow myself to enjoy the experience just as much as the person I’m with.

When I speak to other women, and to many of my coaching clients, I hear similar stories. Confidence often seems to grow as self-consciousness begins to fall away.

For many men, however, middle age can bring a different set of experiences. Careers become more demanding, family life becomes busier, stress increases, and for some, natural changes in sexual function can start to appear. UK research suggests that concerns about sexual health and performance become more common as men get older, even though many continue to value intimacy and want fulfilling sex lives.

I also can’t ignore something I’ve noticed through countless conversations with people over the years. I’ve spoken to middle-aged men who tell me they haven’t had sex with their partner for weeks, months or sometimes even longer. Equally, I’ve spoken to women who feel emotionally disconnected or who have simply stopped prioritising intimacy. It reminds me that this isn’t a “men’s issue” or a “women’s issue.” Long-term relationships can sometimes drift into companionship, routine and responsibility, leaving very little space for passion unless both people actively protect it.

That makes me wonder whether some couples can find themselves moving in opposite directions. Just as many women are becoming more accepting of themselves and more confident sexually, some men may be carrying pressures they’ve never had before. Not because they’ve become less masculine or less desirable, but because life changes us all.

Perhaps that’s why confidence can sometimes feel confronting.

Not because confident women are “too much”, but because genuine intimacy asks both people to be vulnerable.

I also find myself wondering whether this plays a small part in why some middle-aged men are drawn to younger women. Not because younger women are somehow better, and certainly not because all men seek younger partners, but because relationships where both people are still discovering themselves may sometimes feel less exposing than being with someone who already knows exactly who she is.

It’s simply a thought rather than a conclusion, but I think it’s an interesting question to ask.

Can Confidence Trigger Insecurity?

I’ve worked with enough people now to know I’m not alone in noticing this. Many women I’ve spoken to have shared similar experiences. Sometimes a sexually confident woman challenges expectations.

Some men have become used to being the one who leads, reassures or teaches. When they meet a woman who already knows herself and is comfortable expressing what she enjoys, it can shift the dynamic.

That doesn’t make those men weak. It simply means confidence requires confidence in return. Secure men often welcome openness because it creates honesty and better communication.

Less secure men may start questioning themselves.

Am I good enough? Has she experienced better? Can I satisfy her?

Those thoughts don’t always get spoken aloud, but they can quietly change the atmosphere within a relationship.

Sex Gets Better With Emotional Safety

One thing I’ve realised is that great sex isn’t really about technique. Anybody can have sex, come on you know how true that is… 

But genuine intimacy is different.

The best experiences happen when two people feel emotionally safe enough to stop performing altogether.

When there’s trust, laughter, curiosity, communication, acceptance, and when two people show the fuck up for each other.. they show each other, “I’m here, I’m yours, and I’m not going to fuck this up by playing games”!

That’s where connection lives.

Why I Don’t Date Casually

People are often surprised when I tell them that since the end of my long term relationship with my sons Dad,  I’ve only been sexually intimate in my personal life, with a couple of people over the last four years. Yes I have dated a few, but I have a way with men, where I don’t feel the need to show them who I am through sex. My personal world I guess can be so different, from perhaps any alter ego, I can play or come across as. 

For me, confidence hasn’t led to sleeping with more people. It’s actually had the opposite effect. I’ve become far more selective.

I don’t feel the need to give my body away simply because dating apps make casual intimacy feel normal, I mean what do I gain from that? Apart from making myself feel shit! Where is the reward for me? What a visit to the clinic, because men don’t want to wear protection? No THANKS!

I’ve reached a point where I value connection far more than attention.

Maybe that’s age, Maybe it’s healing, Maybe it’s simply knowing my own worth.

Either way, I no longer believe sex should be something we do because we’re lonely, bored or afraid someone else might come along. I’d rather wait for someone who genuinely values intimacy than collect experiences that leave me feeling empty.

It gives me such insight into the world, having this view, I know porn stars who have sex for money, but the sex they have on film, is not the sex they have with a partner. Many of them are choosing celibacy in their own life,  and you may sit there, not understanding that, but porn stars and sex workers, often become two people, and separate work and private life completely. The person they portray can be a million miles from the person they truly are. 

Are We Really Having Better Sex?

Dating apps have changed modern relationships. They’ve created endless choice, endless comparison and often a conveyor belt approach to dating.

But one question keeps coming back to me.

Are people actually having better sex because they have more opportunities? Or are they simply having more of it?

When I speak to people in long term relationships, it’s surprisingly common to hear things like, “We haven’t had sex for weeks”. Others describe intimacy that feels routine rather than exciting.

The statistics reflect this. Large surveys suggest that sexual frequency tends to decline in many long term relationships over time, and satisfaction depends far more on communication, emotional closeness and relationship quality than on how often couples have sex.

Perhaps the real issue isn’t how much sex we’re having.

It’s how connected we are while we’re having it.

Confidence Isn’t the Enemy

A sexually confident woman isn’t trying to compete.

She isn’t trying to dominate.

She isn’t trying to prove anything.

She’s simply comfortable enough to experience intimacy without apology.

The right man won’t feel threatened by that.

He’ll feel invited into something honest.

Because confidence isn’t about perfection.

It’s about authenticity.

And perhaps that’s the most attractive quality of all.

The Missing Ingredient: Are We So Busy Living That We’ve Forgotten to Love?

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I feel like, in today’s day and age, we’re forgetting our age.

We’re forgetting how quickly time passes us by.

We’re spending so many years trying to cling on to our youth. Desperate to be seen. Desperate to be validated. Desperate to keep our options open. Desperate to have variety when it comes to sex. Desperate not to settle down too soon, commit too quickly, or somehow miss out on something better that might be waiting around the corner.

But in doing all of that, I wonder if we’re actually missing one of the most crucial ingredients of a genuinely happy life.

Love.

Meaningless hookups don’t make a happy life.

Yes, they might leave you feeling happy for a night. Maybe even for 24 hours. There’s excitement. There’s attraction. There’s validation. There’s that temporary high of being wanted.

But then what? 

Who do you call when something incredible happens?

Who hugs you when you’ve achieved something you’ve worked years for?

Who knows the tiny details of your life that wouldn’t mean anything to anybody else?

Who do you turn to and say, “Fuck it. Should we just go on holiday?”

Who do you build the memories with?

I seldom talk about myself personally in my blogs. As a coach and trainee therapist, I’m conscious of boundaries and how much of myself I bring into the work that I do, but on this occasion, I thought, why not… because recently I’ve started to realise something that actually brings me a great deal of sadness.

Some of the best years of my life, I’m spending alone.

We all look towards the future and think, I don’t want to grow old and be lonely.

But what if we’re looking too far ahead?

What if some of us are spending the best years of our lives alone right now?I’m in my 40s. I feel good in myself. I’ve done an enormous amount of healing, I’ve worked on myself, body and mind, I’ve built a life. I’m raising my child, I’m studying, I’m working,I’m travelling. I’m achieving things I’m proud of. Yet, sometimes, I look around at my friends who are in relationships.

They’re off to Italy. Mykonos. America. Australia.

They’re seeing the world. they’re going for date nights, they’re having weekends away. they’re building a collection of memories that belong to the two of them.

And then there’s me…. 

Going on my solo trips, Travelling with my child, waiting to see who can get childcare and plan that once a year night out…

And don’t misunderstand me, I absolutely love travelling with my child. Those memories are some of the most precious memories of my life. 

I have friends. I have family. I have a child I adore, I mean I’m not always sitting at home with nobody in my life… lol, But sometimes I sit there and think:

I’d love some romance in my life.

I’d love somebody to share all of this with.

I thought, last year, that maybe I’d found that.

It wasn’t meant to be.

If I’m completely honest, it felt like 50% of the relationship was love bombing and the final three months were spent with me acting as a personal therapist. The push pull dynamic, never knowing where you stand is Toxic, and not for my own attachment style at all..

Wrong person… Wrong relationship. 

Perhaps even the wrong relationships can teach us something about what we actually want. I remember being in Ibiza once and going on a date with a gorgeous Portuguese guy called Francisco. We had such a good date.He took me for a beautiful dinner. We went for drinks. We talked.

And at one point, he looked at me and said:

“Kerry, do you get lonely?” as we talked about what it’s like to be single..

And I said no.

Because I’m not lonely… Not in the traditional sense of the word, more so in an empty bed kind of way! As a mother, I have my child. I have friends. I have family. I have people I love and people who love me.

But there’s a particular kind of connection I miss.

I miss my person.

Recently, I completed another year of study. I got the message congratulating me on passing and in that moment, I missed having somebody there to congratulate me.

Someone to give me a hug.

Someone to ask how I felt.

Someone who understood how much work had gone into getting there.

And equally, I miss being that person for somebody else.

I miss praising someone.

I miss making somebody feel good.

I miss having someone walk through the door and being genuinely excited to hear about their day.

I miss having somebody say:

“Fuck it. Should we just go on holiday?”

Or:

“Should we go out tonight?”

I miss the spontaneity that comes from having somebody to do life with.

And recently I’ve realised something.

Life is just passing by.

We’re such slaves to work. Slaves to money. Slaves to our schedules. Slaves to this idea that we need to have everything sorted before we’re allowed to make room for love.

We tell ourselves:

I’m too busy.

I’ve got too much going on.

I haven’t got the capacity for a relationship.

Maybe when work calms down.

Maybe when the children are older.

Maybe when I’ve healed a little bit more.

Maybe when I’ve achieved this.

Maybe when I’ve sorted that.

But when exactly is life going to become completely uncomplicated?

Probably never.. and I think I’ve been guilty of this too.

Sometimes I push people away because I tell myself I’m not ready.

I tell myself I don’t have the time or capacity for a relationship because I’m so busy with work, but maybe they just haven’t been the right people.

Because there’s an important distinction here.

I don’t need anybody, but I would like somebody.

There’s a huge difference.

But I also wonder whether some of us have become a little too good at not needing anybody.

We celebrate independence. We celebrate the person who has been hurt, picked themselves back up, built their own life and learnt how to stand completely on their own two feet and rightly so.

However, psychologically, there’s something interesting that can happen when you’ve spent a long time having to rely on yourself. Independence can become more than a strength. It can become protection.

You become so accustomed to solving your own problems that asking for help feels uncomfortable. So used to carrying everything yourself that letting somebody carry something for you feels almost unnatural. So capable of regulating your own life that allowing another person into it starts to feel like a disruption rather than an addition and perhaps that’s where hyper-independence can creep in.

There’s a difference between I can do this alone and I must do this alone.

There’s a difference between choosing independence and being so afraid of depending on another human being that you never allow yourself to experience interdependence, the healthy middle ground where two capable people choose to lean on each other without losing themselves.

I think that’s something I’ve had to question within myself.

Am I genuinely too busy for a relationship?

Or have I become so accustomed to doing everything myself that I’ve convinced myself there simply isn’t room for another person?

Because maybe the goal was never to need nobody.

Maybe the goal was to know that I could survive alone, while still allowing myself to admit that life might be nicer shared.

I don’t want somebody because I can’t survive alone. I’ve already proved that I can. I don’t need someone to rescue me. I don’t need somebody to financially support me. I don’t need somebody to give me an identity.

I’ve built my own life.

But being capable of doing life alone doesn’t necessarily mean I want to do all of it alone. I want somebody who matches my energy.

I want somebody who asks me how I am in the morning.

“Good morning, baby. How did you sleep?”

Someone who checks in during the day.

“How’s your day going?”

Someone who says goodnight.

“Goodnight, darling.”

It doesn’t have to be constant communication. We’re adults. We’re busy. We have jobs. Children. Responsibilities.

However, I miss those little moments of knowing that somewhere in the world, somebody is thinking about you.

That ten-minute phone call at night:

“I just thought I’d ring you. I miss your voice.”

That’s what I miss.

That person checking in.

That person to share it all with.

Although, I have female best friends whom I’m incredibly grateful for, I miss having a best friend who is also my partner.

Someone who’s your lover, your teammate, your safe place and the person you laugh with over something nobody else would find remotely funny.

When I became single and left my child’s father, I left because I needed to find myself, I needed to find happiness, I needed to heal. I needed to grow and spread my wings like a butterfly.

I had been in an unhappy relationship, but I was also very unhealed and very unhappy within myself at the time.

So I left, I found myself, I built a different life and somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I always assumed I’d meet somebody.

When I met someone in 2025, I remember thinking:

Yeah. I’m ready for this.

Sadly, he wasn’t the right person.

I chose wrong.

However that doesn’t mean wanting the relationship was wrong.

Lately, I’ve had the strangest feeling, I can’t even properly comprehend it. I almost feel like maybe there’s a relationship around the corner. Of course I’ve chatted to people. I’ve been on a couple of dates over the past couple of years, but recently I’ve found myself looking at the people in my life and wondering:

Have I already met him?

Is it somebody I’ve never had a relationship with before?

Could it be somebody from my past?

For me, it’s rarely going to be somebody old because I don’t particularly like looking backwards, an ex is an ex for a reason….

Or is he somebody I haven’t met yet?

I genuinely don’t know.

I just have this weird gut feeling I’ve had for the last few weeks that maybe there is somebody out there for me.

Perhaps the bigger realisation is this:

Maybe I have to make myself available for him.

Not available in the sense of downloading every dating app and desperately searching for a relationship.

Emotionally available.

Making space.

Stop telling myself I’m too busy.

Stop telling myself I’ve got too much stress.

Stop telling myself I’ve got too much pressure.

Maybe if I let the right person in, some of that stress wouldn’t feel quite so heavy. Maybe life isn’t supposed to be something we carry entirely by ourselves.

So what are we doing as human beings?

Why do we push away good things because we tell ourselves we haven’t got time for them? the irony is we’re right.

We haven’t got time.

Just perhaps not in the way we think.

We haven’t got unlimited time.

We’re spending it every single day.

We’re just not always spending it on the things that will matter when we look back.

I look at my own life and think:

I’m always working.

I’m studying.

I’ve got my child.

Where exactly am I supposed to fit a relationship into all of this?

But then I think about last year, I had fewer staff, I was arguably even busier.

Yet somehow I fitted a relationship in perfectly.

It worked, It worked around childcare, It worked around work.

We gave each other time.

Sometimes it was simply a couple of nights a week being in his arms and it was nice.

Again, wrong person.

Perhaps that relationship taught me something important. When the cards are actually on the table and a relationship is genuinely on offer, I can make space for it.

Maybe I do want a relationship…. Actually, I know I do.

Because I don’t want to spend the best years of my life, in my prime, creating all these incredible memories and have nobody beside me who remembers them too.

I don’t want to meet somebody in my 50s and say:

“Do you remember when I did this?”

“Do you remember when I went there?”

And then realise: No. Of course they don’t.

Because they weren’t there.

Sometimes I look at older couples who’ve spent decades together. They’re old, they’re grey, life has slowed down, yet they have this enormous invisible library between them.

A lifetime of memories.

“Do you remember that holiday?”

“Do you remember when the children were little?”

“Do you remember that ridiculous restaurant?”

“Do you remember when we got completely lost?”

“Do you remember when we couldn’t stop laughing?”

Their bodies have aged, their lives have changed, but they have decades of remember whens. I’ve come to realise something I genuinely didn’t think I’d ever say.

I’m not just ready for love.

I’m ready for somebody to share my life with.

I’m ready to build memories with somebody.

I’m ready to grow alongside somebody.

I’m ready to create a family life together.

I’m ready for a partner.

..and believe me, I’m quite stubborn. It’s taken me a while to admit that.

Because our culture celebrates independence—and rightly so.

We tell people:

You don’t need anyone.

Learn to love yourself.

Be happy alone.

Don’t settle.

Know your worth.

And all of those things are important.

But I wonder whether somewhere along the way we’ve taken a healthy message and pushed it too far. We’ve started confusing independence with emotional isolation. We’ve started treating needing connection as weakness. We’ve become so frightened of appearing needy that sometimes we’re afraid to admit we have needs at all. We tell ourselves that the second somebody doesn’t meet every expectation, we should cut them off.

That there’s always another option.

Another swipe.

Another person.

Another date.

Another body.

We’ve created endless choice while somehow becoming increasingly disconnected and I wonder whether modern dating has inadvertently taught us to approach human beings like products.

We scroll. We swipe. We compare.

Too short.

Too tall.

Too available.

Not available enough.

Too keen.

Not keen enough.

Wrong job.

Wrong location.

Wrong shoes.

Next.

Of course, having standards is important. Boundaries are important. Compatibility matters enormously, but the paradox of having so much choice is that sometimes, instead of making us more certain, it can make us less satisfied with whatever we choose.

There’s always the lingering possibility that somebody better might be one swipe away and relationships don’t work particularly well when we’re constantly looking over somebody’s shoulder to see who else has just walked into the room.

I also wonder if we’ve created something of an avoidant dating culture.

Not because everyone is avoidantly attached, that would be far too simplistic, but because many of the behaviours modern dating normalises can look remarkably similar to emotional avoidance.

Keeping things casual, Keeping your options open, Not defining the relationship. Pulling away when things become emotionally intense. Ghosting rather than having an uncomfortable conversation.

Moving on to somebody new rather than working through vulnerability with the person standing in front of you.

We call it freedom.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes, I wonder if what we’re actually doing is becoming incredibly skilled at avoiding attachment, because real intimacy isn’t found in endlessly meeting new people. It’s built when you stay long enough for somebody to actually know you. Not the version of you on the first date. Not your best photographs. Not your funny stories. Not the version who is effortlessly cool and definitely doesn’t care whether they text back.

You.

And perhaps that’s the uncomfortable thing about love. At some point, you have to stop browsing.

You have to choose.

And then you have to allow yourself to be chosen too.

Maybe that’s why some of us are still single.

Not because there’s nobody good enough out there, Not because we’re broken, Not because love isn’t meant for us, but because somewhere along the way, we became so good at protecting our peace that we forgot love requires us to open the door occasionally.

Of course, boundaries matter, Mine certainly do. If somebody consistently doesn’t give me attention, effort or emotional availability, I will walk away.

I don’t need to chase anybody.

There’s a difference between having boundaries and building walls. There’s a difference between recognising the wrong person and never giving the right person enough room to get close and perhaps that’s the question some of us need to ask ourselves:

Are we genuinely unavailable because life is too busy, or are we using busyness to protect ourselves from being vulnerable again?

Because love does require vulnerability. It requires making room. It requires allowing another human being to matter to you and yes, that means they could hurt you.

But they could also love you. They could also make an ordinary Tuesday feel like something worth remembering. They could be the person sitting beside you decades from now saying:

“Do you remember when…?”

So I asked myself a very simple question.

What do I actually want?

Do I want money? Not particularly.

As long as I have enough to pay my bills and live my life, I’m happy.

Do I want a healthy, happy child? More than anything in the world.

Do I want love? Yes.

Do I want happy memories? Yes.

Do I want a lifetime of togetherness? Yes.

I do.

Maybe that’s the ingredient we’re missing.

Not another achievement, Not another pay rise, Not another follower. Not another person finding us attractive. Not another meaningless hookup. Not another opportunity to prove we don’t need anybody.

Maybe it’s simply having somebody beside you who makes you feel glad you’re alive.

Someone to witness your life.

Someone whose life you get to witness too.

Someone to celebrate with.

Someone to comfort.

Someone to travel with.

Someone to laugh with.

Someone to come home to.

Someone who remembers.

Because one day, if we’re lucky, we’ll all grow old and perhaps the question isn’t only:

Who will be there when I’m old?

Maybe the question we should be asking ourselves now is:

Who do I want to build the memories with that we’ll talk about when we get there?

I don’t need somebody to complete my life.

My life is already full.

But I’ve finally realised… I’d quite like somebody to share it with.

Maybe I’ve spent long enough telling myself I’m too busy for love, because the truth is, life isn’t waiting for any of us to become less busy.

It’s happening now and I don’t want to miss it….

The Context we Meet in: Why we judge women by circumstance instead of Character

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There is a scene in Pretty Woman that has stayed with me for years.

Edward, played by Richard Gere, looks at Vivian and says, “I’ve never treated you like a prostitute.”

Her response is immediate.

“You just did.”

For a long time, I watched that scene and thought it was simply about a man saying the wrong thing. As I have grown older, spent more time listening to people’s stories and worked with women from all walks of life, I have come to realise that the scene is about something much bigger than a wealthy businessman falling in love with an escort. It is about judgement. It is about the labels we place on people. Most importantly, it is about how often women are judged by the circumstances in which they are found rather than the character they possess.

What strikes me most about that exchange is that Vivian never asks the obvious question. Why is she carrying the burden of judgement when Edward was equally involved? He may have been the wealthy businessman and she may have been the escort, but both of them participated in the same encounter. Without Edward, there is no transaction. Without his choices, there is no story. Yet somehow society finds it easier to judge Vivian than it does Edward. He is seen as successful. She is seen as shameful. He is allowed complexity. She is reduced to a label, she could be incredibly successful in her own right, but it’s always the man casting judgement, without the understanding.

That scene has always felt like a reflection of something much bigger that still exists today. Women continue to be judged differently for the very same situations that men willingly participate in. The details may have changed. Dating apps have replaced chance meetings in bars. Social media has transformed how people connect. Entire industries have emerged that did not exist twenty years ago. Yet the underlying double standard remains surprisingly familiar.

A woman can meet a man on Tinder, spend an evening talking, laughing and building what she believes is a genuine connection, sleep with him, and then discover she has been quietly disqualified from relationship status because she slept with him too quickly. The irony is extraordinary. He was there too. He made the same decision. He participated in exactly the same experience. Yet somehow he walks away feeling entitled to judge her for behaviour he willingly took part in himself.

What fascinates me is that many women do not think this way. They are often looking at the bigger picture. They are wondering whether there is chemistry, whether there is potential, whether this person could become a meaningful part of their life. Of course there are exceptions. Both men and women can be manipulative. Both men and women can seek validation. Both men and women can be dishonest. This is not about pretending one gender is innocent and the other is guilty. Human beings are complicated. What interests me is the imbalance in how judgement is applied. Society still seems far more comfortable attaching shame to women than it does to men.

One of the most interesting questions in modern dating is why some men automatically assume that a woman on Hinge is more suitable for a relationship than a woman they meet in a lap dancing club or who perhaps has worked as an escort. Why? What evidence do they actually have? Have they spent time understanding her values? Do they know how she treats people? Do they know whether she is loyal, emotionally available, trustworthy or kind? Usually the answer is no. What they are really judging is not the woman herself. They are judging the story attached to her, and the crazy thing is from my day to day life, I actually hear that ‘BodyCount’ can often reign higher in the women they perceive as ‘Marriage material’.

The woman on Hinge is viewed as someone searching for love. The woman in the club is viewed as someone selling fantasy. One is placed into a socially approved category. The other is placed into a socially disapproved category. Yet neither label tells us very much. The woman in the club may have stronger boundaries than anyone the man has ever met. She may have spent years single because she refuses to settle for relationships that do not meet her standards. She may be fiercely loyal once she commits to someone. She may have had fewer sexual partners than many of the women being praised as relationship material. Meanwhile, the woman on Hinge may be dating multiple people, have no interest in commitment and be seeking validation rather than connection. Or the opposite may be true. The point is that nobody knows.

Character cannot be determined by profession. It cannot be determined by appearance. It cannot be determined by where somebody happened to meet you. Yet people continue to make assumptions every single day based on these things. They judge a book by its cover and then convince themselves they know the entire story.

What I have learned over the years is that public image and private reality are often worlds apart. We live in a culture where people carefully curate how they are perceived. Dating profiles are curated. Social media accounts are curated. Influencer brands are curated. Even ordinary people curate versions of themselves for public consumption. We look at photographs, captions and carefully selected moments and convince ourselves we know somebody. The truth is that we rarely do.

There are women with enormous social media followings who are admired by millions. There are reality television personalities, influencers and public figures who have built highly successful brands around their image. Some have found ways to monetise their beauty, fame and desirability in ways previous generations could never have imagined, and behind closed doors are being sent out on secret Whatssap groups for £10k for the night. Personally, I do not see anything wrong with that. If somebody has built an audience, worked hard to create opportunities and found a way to capitalise on their success, then fair play to them. What interests me is not what they do. What interests me is how society responds to them depending on what information is publicly available.

The same man who judges a woman working openly within the adult industry may spend years admiring, following and fantasising about a public figure whose private life he knows nothing about. The difference is not necessarily morality. The difference is visibility. One woman is judged because people know. The other escapes judgement because people do not. Yet both may be making similar choices in private. This is why assumptions are so dangerous. They are built on incomplete information and presented as certainty.

Another aspect of this conversation that deserves far more compassion is the reality that some women carry experiences most people know nothing about. Some women working within parts of the adult industry have histories of childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, coercive relationships or profound emotional neglect. Of course this is not true of everyone and it would be wrong to make assumptions. Every woman’s story is different. Yet it is important to recognise that for some women, their relationship with their body, sexuality and sense of control has been shaped by experiences that occurred long before anyone met them. I work with one lady in the industry, who was date raped, and is simply too scared to date, and maybe she’s lost her way a little, but who are we to sit and judge.

What often frustrates me is how quickly people jump to judgement without any curiosity about what might have brought someone to where they are today. We see a profession and assume we understand a person. We see a choice and assume we know the story behind it. Yet human beings are rarely that simple. For some women, stepping into a space where they choose the terms, set the boundaries and decide what access people have to them can feel very different from experiences where control was taken away. What outsiders may perceive as exploitation, another person may experience as autonomy. Whether people agree with those choices or not is almost irrelevant. The point is that we cannot understand someone’s life by reducing them to a label.

Perhaps that is another reason I find judgement so problematic. It leaves no room for complexity. It leaves no room for empathy. It leaves no room for the possibility that the person standing in front of us has survived things we cannot imagine. We do not know their history. We do not know their struggles. We do not know what they have overcome to become the person they are today. Yet society is often quick to condemn women for the choices they make while showing very little interest in understanding the experiences that shaped those choices in the first place.

As the film draws to a close, something interesting happens. Edward finally understands what he could not see at the beginning. The issue was never Vivian’s profession. It was never the circumstances in which they met. It was never the label he had attached to her. The real obstacle was his inability to look beyond those things. Only when he lets go of his assumptions is he able to see the woman standing in front of him.

If we return back to the film ‘Pretty woman’ in one of the most iconic scenes in the film, Edward arrives with flowers and climbs the fire escape despite his fear of heights. He becomes the knight in shining armour Vivian once dreamed about as a little girl. Of course, we live in a different world now. Most women are not waiting to be rescued. Women build careers, raise families, buy their own flowers and save themselves every single day. The fantasy was never really about being rescued anyway. The fantasy was about being chosen. Being valued. Being seen… finally the little girl who had led such a traumatic and sad life, was seen.

Perhaps that is what so many people are searching for beneath all the noise of modern dating. Not perfection, Not status, Not somebody who ticks every box on paper. Just somebody willing to look beyond the stereotypes, beyond the assumptions and beyond the story attached to how they met.

Because love does not arrive wrapped in social approval. It does not ask whether someone was met through friends, on a dating app, in a club, at work or during the most unexpected chapter of their life. Love only asks whether two people are willing to know each other honestly.

And perhaps that is the real lesson hidden inside Pretty Woman. The greatest relationships are not built by people who meet in the perfect circumstances…. They are built by people brave enough to see beyond them….

Maybe the real question is not where are the women worth loving. Maybe the real question is where are the men willing to put down their judgement long enough to recognise them.

Because the most beautiful love stories have never been about how two people met.

They have always been about what happened when they decided to truly see one another.

2026 – The year Choosing Me: The Moment I Stopped Waiting to Be Chosen

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There’s a truth I’ve had to learn the long way round:

Sometimes you have to experience the wrong people to finally understand your worth.

Not in a cliché way and not in a “everything happens for a reason” way, but in a very real, very lived way, where each connection leaves a mark, teaches you something, and slowly pulls you back to yourself.

I’ve loved different kinds of men.

Last year I met the one who felt electric at the start, passionate, intense, everything turned up to 100. The sex was something else, I mean girls, there is good and then there is WILD! Insane until it wasn’t. Until the warmth turned into walking on eggshells. The subtle put-downs. The control disguised as care. The disappearing acts followed by apologies that reset everything… until the cycle began again and I lost myself in that, not just emotionally, but physically too. So swept up in the sex, attention, gifts and love-bombing, I suddenly realised after watch him down pink cocaine for two weeks, that this was not the kind of man who should be in mine or my Childs life.

Then came along a good man, Kind-hearted, Safe, I thought. Someone I let myself open up to in a way I hadn’t in a good few years. We built something slowly, calls, messages, shared moments across distance, it felt so familiar… And then… he shut down.

No warning. No gradual fade. Just a switch.

One minute, he was planning a weekend with me, so excited I was in his country. The next, it was “this feels like pressure, I should respect my boundary, I can’t do long distance”, That kind of emotional whiplash does something to you. It doesn’t just hurt, it changes how you see people. How you trust. How you show up. I’m so glad I didn’t have sex with him, because in all honesty seeing his insecurities at play with avoidance, makes me feel there would have been disappointment. I think it felt familiar, because it threw me back into the summer of 2023, another situation, the calls, messages, consistency, deep intimacy on all levels except sex.

and somewhere underneath all of that, there’s been another truth sitting quietly in my life:

There is someone I love… who didn’t choose me, and it was after the experience with my Californian guy, I realised, it simply reminded me of that! The heartbreak of 2023, where I wasn’t chosen, but had fallen anyway..

For a long time, I told myself it was limerence, Infatuation. Something I’d grow out of, however time has a way of clarifying things, not erasing them and the truth is some feelings don’t fade just because they’re inconvenient, they simply get avoided.

But here’s what I’ve realised:

Someone not choosing you doesn’t make them “the one.” It makes them unavailable.

The Pattern I Couldn’t Ignore

There’s something else I started to notice.

Men would leave… choose someone else… build lives with other women.

Then years later, they’d come back, Telling me I was always the one, That they see me now, That they made the wrong choice. It happened last summer. I had a call, with an ex asking to meet me, I was seeing the narcissist at the time, and I declined, but he pushed and pushed, so I agreed ten mins in a public place only. I showed up, and was met with, basically I was the one perfect for them, I was the one they loved, I was the one aligned, I was so shocked, but its not the first time this has happened.

But by then, it’s too late, Because love isn’t just about recognition, It’s about timing. It’s about courage. It’s about choosing.

And I deserve to be chosen in real time, not in hindsight.

I appreciate if things don’t work out with someone else they chose, and then try and rekindle, but I will never be the other woman, whilst you keep someone there incase I say NO, and I did say NO!

The Misunderstanding of Who I Am

I think part of my story is this:

People think they know me when they first meet me, I get judged all the time. They see confidence, Strength, Independence.
They assume I’m “a lot.”, That I’ll be hard to handle. People see the Kerry now before them, not the Kerry I was for all of my life, they see the girl with the lips, the tan, the hair, taking images and posing, and they see me in a certain way, because that’s what their ind interprets.

But the truth?

In a relationship, I’m soft, I’m calm, I’m loyal, I’m simple in what I want.

A quiet life.
A genuine connection.
A partner to build with, not perform for.

And it’s only later, when they’ve already chosen someone else, that they realise actually she’s the opposite to who she comes across as, But I’m not waiting around to be understood after the fact anymore. Judgement is on them, Darlings, not me!

What I See Clearly Now

I see the half-effort.

The “let’s plan something” followed by inconsistency.
The words that don’t match actions.
The low-level energy that expects access to me.

And I’m done with it, yep over it! You will remain in the archived, because quite frankly, I cannot be arsed seeing your face!

Because here’s the truth:

There is no attraction without consistency.
There is no connection without effort.
And there is no future where I am not fully chosen.

What I Actually Want

It’s not complicated.

I want someone grounded, Calm, Emotionally available.
Someone who values routine, health, stability. Someone who has kids already, maybe similar age to my child, so we can just enjoy watching the kids grow, rather than the stress and worry of having another! I love my life now to start all over again with a new baby. Someone who wants to build a life, not escape into one.

A home.
A partnership.
A quiet, real kind of love, that will last

Not the loud, chaotic kind that burns fast and leaves damage behind.

Just… a good man…

Here’s Where Everything Changed

At some point over the last 8-9 months, something shifted in me. In that time, I dated a narcissist, was sexually assaulted by someone I went on a date with, and then I met the ultimate avoidant. This was all meant to happen, and I don’t say that to minimise it, I say it not through bitterness or coldness, but

Clarity.

I realised I’ve spent so much time pouring into other people, trying to understand them, support them, love them, hold space for them…And not enough time choosing myself. Too much time not filling up my own cup.

So now?

I’m not chasing.
I’m not convincing.
I’m not waiting to be picked.

You either show me, consistently, clearly, and show that you choose me…
or you don’t get access to me at all...

There is no in-between anymore my body, my mind, my heart. No, you are not welcome!

It’s taken 42 years to reach this point, and I realise, I’m worth something, and it’s a deep routed find, and wow, my eyes are open.

For Any Woman Reading This

If you’ve ever felt like the one they come back to… but never the one they choose first…

If you’ve ever been “almost” loved properly…

If you’ve ever questioned your worth because someone couldn’t meet you where you are…

This is your reminder:

You are not too much.
You are not misunderstood.
You are not “almost.”

You are just no longer available for half-hearted love, and please hold your value high, hold it for someone who offers consistency, but offers to show up to! Not just a lunchtime meet in costa! Because the coffee dates are devaluing romance!!

However the true message stands, the moment you truly choose yourself, set your boundaries and recognise your value matters, is the moment the shift will happen!

The Peter Pan Syndrome. Why are you still addicted and chasing validation over Love – A post for men in their 40s

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The phrase “Peter Pan Syndrome” comes from the fictional character of Peter Pan. However today, In popular psychology, it describes adults who resist the emotional responsibilities that usually come with adulthood, commitment, accountability, and deeper emotional intimacy.

While it’s not a formal clinical diagnosis, the term is often used to describe a pattern seen in some men who remain psychologically attached to a lifestyle of freedom, novelty, and validation long after their peers have moved into more stable phases of life. I mean for those reading this, who have been unfortunate enough to encounter this in a partner… You will feel this!

For some men, this pattern becomes most visible in the mid-to-late 40s, when a deeper internal conflict about identity, ageing, and self-worth begins to surface.

The Mid-Life Identity Shift

Many people assume maturity simply comes with age, however emotional development does not automatically follow the calendar.

For men who spent their 20s and 30s prioritising independence, lifestyle, or career success, over family life, their 40s can trigger a subtle identity crisis, and wow as the 40s go on, the shut downs become a form of self sabotage and self abuse.

This stage of life often brings new psychological questions:

  • Who am I now that youth is fading?
  • What do I actually want long-term?
  • Have I built something meaningful?
  • What does commitment mean at this stage of life?

For men who have avoided deeper emotional work, these questions can feel uncomfortable or even threatening. Instead of confronting them, some respond by doubling down on youth-oriented validation… Cue The Topless Pics on Instagram!!!

The Validation Loop

One modern factor intensifying this dynamic is social media.

Platforms like Instagram and TikTok, have created environments where attention and admiration are constantly available.

For men in their 40s who:

  • stay physically fit
  • maintain a youthful appearance
  • cultivate an attractive online presence – (Yep we’ve all seen those Hot Daddy types)

There can be a steady stream of attention from younger women…

This attention can create what psychologists sometimes describe as a validation loop.

The cycle looks something like this:

  1. Post photos or content online
  2. Receive admiration and attention
  3. Feel temporarily validated and ‘Good for their age’
  4. Then they go on and on and seek more attention to maintain that feeling

Over time, this external validation can become psychologically addictive. Instead of developing deeper emotional intimacy with one partner, the person begins relying on ongoing admiration from many people to reinforce their sense of self-worth… I mean, yes they look good, so in their minds, they’re not doing anything wrong, and will try so hard to justify their behaviour patterns, despite what those who love them tell them.

Why Validation Becomes So Important in the 40s

The mid-late 40s can be a psychologically sensitive period for many people.

It is often the stage where:

  • physical aging becomes more noticeable
  • social roles begin to shift
  • long-term life outcomes become clearer

For some men, especially those who strongly identified with youth, attractiveness, or freedom, this stage can trigger a quiet fear:

“Am I losing my value, my looks?” “Do I still have it?” – Attention from younger women can temporarily soothe that anxiety. It reinforces the belief that they are still desirable, still youthful, still relevant, but because this reassurance is external, it often needs to be repeated constantly. For that moment, they can tell theirselves, “Hey, I still have it”.

Avoidance and Emotional Distance

When validation becomes the primary emotional reward, deeper relationships can start to feel threatening.

A committed relationship requires:

  • emotional vulnerability
  • accountability
  • compromise
  • long-term investment

For someone caught in a validation cycle, these demands can feel restrictive. As a result, some men may become avoidant in relationships.

Avoidant behaviour can show up in different ways:

  • withdrawing when emotional conversations arise
  • keeping relationships undefined
  • prioritising independence over connection
  • losing interest once emotional depth develops
  • Keeping relationships surface level and fantasy, rather than reality

To a partner, this can feel confusing. The person may appear charming, attentive, and engaged at the beginning, but pull away when the relationship starts to require deeper emotional presence. This isn’t just down to identity and ageing struggles, this can also be deep rooted from Childhood trauma, and that missing link between, not feeling loved, not feeling enough.

Why Some Men Disregard Partners

When someone is heavily reliant on external validation, relationships can start to function more like sources of affirmation rather than mutual emotional partnerships.

This means a partner may be valued primarily for:

  • admiration
  • attention
  • excitement

rather than for the deeper emotional connection they bring.

Once the novelty fades, or once the relationship begins asking for more emotional maturity, the avoidant partner may disengage.From the outside, this can appear as sudden indifference or disregard. However, psychologically, it is often rooted in discomfort with vulnerability and a strong attachment to independence.

Do Men in Their Mid-to-Late 40s Struggle More With Avoidance?

Avoidant behaviour isn’t limited to any specific age group. However, certain factors can make it more visible in the mid-late 40s.

By this stage, a man may have:

  • decades of independent lifestyle patterns
  • a history of casual or short relationships
  • Trauma from partners leaving or cheating on them, due to emotional immaturity and capacity
  • strong identity built around autonomy

If emotional growth hasn’t kept pace with life experience, these patterns can become deeply ingrained, and need incredibly deep therapy in order to achieve change, At the same time, increased attention through social media or dating apps can reinforce the belief that there is always another option, and this is why they will never achieve the dream, because they will find their 10/10 and it still won’t be enough, the overwhelm and pressure their behaviour patterns will demonstrate will talk them out of every possibility of that dream.

This combination, long-standing independence plus endless validation, can make avoidance easier to maintain, and the sad reality is, they will never achieve the dream, even if they are 100% convinced they will. This is he real sadness here, because quite often these aren’t bad people, their early childhood and quest to be seen and appreciated, is their horrific downfall in life. Without accountability, recognition and honesty in therapy, the behaviour will serve them till their last breath.

The Difference Between Age and Maturity

The key takeaway is that age alone does not create emotional maturity. Some people develop strong emotional intelligence early in life through reflection, relationships, and self-awareness. Others can reach their 40s or 50s still operating from patterns established much earlier.

True maturity involves:

  • the ability to self-reflect
  • accountability for one’s behaviour
  • emotional availability
  • willingness to grow through discomfort

Without these qualities, chronological age becomes largely irrelevant.

The Real Question

When evaluating a partner, the most important question is not their age. It is whether they have done the inner work required for emotional intimacy.

Someone can be:

  • 30 and deeply self-aware
  • or 45 and still seeking validation in the same ways they did at 25.

Understanding this distinction helps explain why some relationships with older partners feel stable and grounded, while others feel confusing or emotionally distant.

The question is: Are you stuck in the Peter Pan Syndrome?

How to focus on Moving Beyond the Peter Pan Pattern: Growth in Midlife

While patterns like avoidance or validation-seeking can become more visible in midlife, they are not permanent traits. The 40s can actually be one of the most powerful periods for emotional growth, and they can glide into their 50’s with clarity and wisdom, and maybe an acceptance of the odd grey hair! Many people use this stage to reassess their identity, values, and the kind of relationships they want moving forward.

For men who recognise themselves in some of the patterns discussed, seeking constant validation, avoiding emotional depth, or feeling caught between youth and maturity, the good news is that change is entirely possible with intentional self-awareness.

1. Developing Self-Awareness

The first step toward change is honest reflection.

This means asking questions like:

  • Why do I rely on external attention for validation?
  • Do I feel uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability?
  • Am I avoiding commitment because of fear, past experiences, or loss of independence?
  • Am I truly hurting people, because of my behavioural patterns?

How did those questions make you feel? Did you lean in and then lean out? Yes the acceptance this could be you, is difficult, but needed…

Understanding the root of these behaviours can help shift the focus from blaming circumstances or partners toward personal accountability and growth.

2. Redefining Identity Beyond Youth

One of the deeper challenges in midlife can be the transition from identifying with youth and freedom to embracing a more grounded sense of self.

Rather than viewing aging as a loss, many men find greater confidence in:

  • life experience
  • emotional wisdom
  • stability and leadership
  • meaningful relationships

True attractiveness often comes not from appearing younger, but from self-assurance and emotional maturity.

3. Reducing Reliance on External Validation

Social media platforms like Instagram can amplify the need for constant approval. Taking a step back from the validation loop can help restore balance.

This might involve:

  • being mindful about how much attention social media receives in daily life
  • focusing more on real-life connections rather than digital feedback
  • building self-worth around character, values, and actions rather than external praise

When validation comes from within rather than from likes, comments, or admiration, relationships tend to become healthier and more authentic.

4. Practicing Emotional Presence

Avoidance often develops as a protective habit. Learning to remain present during emotional conversations is an important part of overcoming it.

This can involve:

  • listening without defensiveness
  • expressing feelings honestly rather than withdrawing
  • realising Blocking and Ghosting can cause incredible trauma for others
  • accepting that vulnerability is part of genuine connection

Emotional openness does not weaken independence, it actually strengthens trust and intimacy.

5. Embracing Growth Rather Than Escape

Perhaps the most important shift is reframing midlife not as a crisis, but as an opportunity.

For many men, their 40s bring:

  • greater self-understanding
  • clearer priorities
  • the ability to form deeper partnerships

Rather than chasing youth or external validation, this stage of life can become a time to build meaningful relationships and emotional stability.

Final Thoughts

The idea of “Peter Pan Syndrome” highlights a pattern, but it does not define anyone permanently. People grow when they are willing to reflect, learn, and adapt. Willing to take accountability for how they not only hurt others, but theirselves to.

Emotional maturity is not determined by age, status, or appearance it comes from self-awareness, accountability, and the willingness to evolve, see patterns and work in depth with therapists and self awareness to repair and heal.

For men navigating midlife, the most powerful transformation often begins with a simple shift in perspective: moving from seeking validation to creating a life built on authenticity, connection, personal growth, and acceptance that real validation comes from ourselves and a partner who truly sees us, hears us, supports us and loves us.