Category: avoidant attachment

Christianity and Sex: What does the Bible really say about Premarital Sex?

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The Christian Sex Debate Nobody Wants to Have

From premarital sex and sexual compatibility to fantasies, fidelity, and whether God really cares what happens in the bedroom.

Try Before You Buy? Does Christian sexual morality still make sense in 2026?

Let’s talk about sex.

More specifically, let’s talk about Christianity and sex.

Because there is something rather fascinating about the relationship between the two.

Christianity has a lot to say about love, marriage, fidelity, temptation, desire, self-control and sexual morality. And yet, for something that is such a fundamental part of being human, sex can still be one of those subjects that Christians find incredibly difficult to talk about openly.

And perhaps that is why I wanted to write this.

Not to attack Christianity, not to tell Christians what they should or shouldn’t believe and certainly not to suggest that there is only one way to be a Christian.

I am a Christian woman myself.

I have been married. I have been divorced. I have experienced love, heartbreak, intimacy and betrayal and as someone who has studied therapy and the psychosexual side of relationships, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what actually makes relationships work.

My own beliefs around sex are fairly simple.

I believe intimacy should mean something, I believe commitment matters, I believe trust matters, I believe kindness matters, I believe consent matters and I believe that when you become intimate with somebody, you are stepping into something that can be incredibly vulnerable for both people.

However, does that necessarily mean we have to wait until a wedding ceremony before we can discover whether we are sexually compatible?

Well, that’s where things get interesting.

Does the Bible actually say you can’t have sex before marriage?

The traditional Christian answer is essentially yes.

Catholic teaching is very clear that sexual intercourse belongs within marriage and that unmarried couples are called to live chastely rather than engaging in sexual relations. The Catechism describes marriage as a complete and lifelong mutual gift and says that sexual intimacy becomes part of that marital commitment. (Vatican⁠)

Many conservative Protestant and evangelical churches hold a similar position, interpreting biblical passages concerning sexual immorality, marriage and the “one flesh” relationship as teaching that sex belongs within marriage.

But there is an important distinction. The Bible doesn’t actually contain a simple sentence saying:

“Thou shalt not have sex before marriage.”

The traditional Christian position is an interpretation drawn from a collection of passages and theological principles. The traditional Christian teaching that sex belongs within marriage come from how a number of biblical passages about sexual immorality, marriage and sexual desire and the ‘One flesh’ relationship have been interpreted together, the traditional conclusion is simply very well established. If we look at examples to help us look deeper..

1. 1 Corinthians 6:18–20 – “Flee from sexual immorality”

This is probably one of the strongest passages for the traditional argument.

Paul says:

“Flee from sexual immorality… honour God with your bodies.”

He then connects sexual union with the “one flesh” language from Genesis 2:24. 

The traditional interpretation is essentially:

Sexual union is not morally neutral. Your body belongs to God, and sexual intimacy creates a profound bodily union, so Christians are called to avoid sexual relationships outside God’s intended framework.

The interesting bit is that Paul doesn’t spell out every prohibited scenario. He uses the broad category sexual immorality, which Christians have subsequently interpreted in different ways.

2. 1 Corinthians 7:2 – marriage as the answer to sexual desire

Paul writes:

“Since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.”

He then discusses mutual sexual responsibilities within marriage. 

The traditional interpretation is fairly obvious:

If sexual desire is difficult to control, marriage provides the appropriate context for sexual intimacy.

That’s one of the passages behind the historic Christian teaching that sex belongs within marriage.

But notice something important for your article: Paul is not writing a modern sex-Ed manual. He’s addressing a particular Christian community with particular questions about sexual behaviour, marriage and celibacy.

So we shouldn’t pretend the verse is more explicit than it actually is.

3. 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7 – “avoid sexual immorality”

This is another major passage.

Paul says:

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality…”

He goes on to talk about controlling one’s body “in a way that is holy and honorable” and not wronging or taking advantage of another person. 

Don’t exploit another person.

That fits beautifully with what you’ve been saying about kindness.

The traditional Christian sexual ethic isn’t only about “Don’t have sex.”

It is also about:

self-control + holiness + honour + not taking advantage of another person.

4. Hebrews 13:4 – “the marriage bed”

This is probably one of the most direct verses for the traditional position.

Hebrews says:

“Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure…”

and then contrasts the marriage bed with adultery and sexual immorality. 

Traditional Christians have understandably read this as supporting the idea that sexual intimacy has a particular place within marriage.

Again, though, it doesn’t literally say:

“Unmarried people must never have sex.”

It establishes a strong connection between marriage, sexual purity and the marriage bed.

5. Genesis 2:24 – “the two will become one flesh”

This one is incredibly important because it becomes a foundation for later Christian teaching.

Genesis describes marriage:

“A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

Then Jesus repeats this teaching in Matthew 19:4–6, and Paul uses it again in 1 Corinthians 6:16 when discussing sexual union. 

This is where the traditional Christian concept becomes really interesting.

Sex isn’t regarded simply as:

two people doing a physical activity.

It is associated with becoming “one flesh.”

So the theological argument becomes:

If sexual union creates a “one flesh” relationship, shouldn’t that union belong within the covenant of marriage?

That’s a theological inference rather than a direct prohibition, but you can see exactly how Christians got there.

6. Matthew 19:4–6 – Jesus connects sex, marriage and “one flesh”

Jesus quotes Genesis when discussing marriage and divorce.

He says:

“The two will become one flesh.”

And then:

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Again, Jesus isn’t specifically answering the question:

“Can an unmarried couple have sex?”

He’s talking about marriage and divorce.

But Christian theology has connected these passages together to develop the idea that sexual union belongs within the permanent marital relationship.

7. Ephesians 5:3 – “among you there must not be even a hint…”

Paul writes that there should not be:

“sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity…” among Christians.

This passage is particularly interesting because Paul places sexual behaviour alongside greed, obscenity, foolish talk and impurity.

So again, the emphasis isn’t simply biological.

It’s about character and how someone lives.

8. Colossians 3:5 – “put to death… sexual immorality”

Paul again tells Christians to put away:

“sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires…”

This becomes part of the traditional Christian argument that Christians are expected to exercise self-control over sexual desire, rather than allowing desire to dictate behaviour.

Christianity isn’t necessarily saying:

“Don’t have sexual desires.”

It’s saying:

“Your desires don’t have to control your actions.”

That’s a very different proposition.

9. Matthew 5:27–28 – Jesus and lust

This is the famous passage where Jesus says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

This is important because Christianity’s sexual ethic isn’t confined to physical behaviour. Jesus moves the conversation towards intention, desire and the inner life and that is exactly why Christian debates about pornography, masturbation and sexual fantasies become so complicated.

The question becomes:

What happens inside our minds as well as what we physically do?

 “When people say the Bible teaches that sex belongs within marriage, they aren’t pulling that belief out of thin air. There is a substantial biblical foundation for the traditional Christian interpretation however, there is also a difference between saying the Bible contains a number of passages from which this teaching is derived and saying the Bible contains one simple sentence explicitly prohibiting all sex before marriage.”

That doesn’t make the traditional interpretation meaningless. It simply means that interpretation matters and Christians have been interpreting Scripture for centuries.

There isn’t one giant Christian committee sitting somewhere deciding what every Christian in the world must believe about sex.

There are Catholics, Orthodox Christians, Anglicans, Baptists, Methodists, Pentecostals, evangelicals, progressive Protestants and many other traditions.

And… they don’t all agree.

Even the Church of England acknowledges that there are differences within Christianity over relationships, sexuality and family life, and its Living in Love and Faith work has deliberately brought together biblical, theological, historical, scientific and lived-experience perspectives. (Church of England⁠)

Perhaps that’s one of the beautiful things about faith.

We can believe deeply without necessarily believing identically.

So why does traditional Christianity put sex inside marriage?

I actually think Christians deserve a fair hearing here.

Because the traditional Christian argument isn’t simply:

“Sex is dirty.”

In fact, it is almost the opposite.

The traditional argument is that sex is so powerful that it deserves a meaningful framework around it.

Sex can create emotional attachment.

It can create children.

It can create vulnerability.

It can deepen a relationship.

It can expose parts of us that we don’t show everybody and it can hurt enormously when trust is broken.

Christian marriage is therefore supposed to be more than a legal document.It is intended to be a covenant: a promise of love, commitment, fidelity and mutual giving.

The Catholic Catechism describes marital sexuality as part of the total gift spouses make to one another, rather than something merely biological. (Vatican⁠)

And I actually understand that…I really do.

Because when you have experienced what happens when somebody breaks a commitment, you understand that fidelity isn’t just a word. It matters.

But what happens when the world changes?

This is where I think Christians need to have an honest conversation. We don’t live in the same society that existed hundreds or thousands of years ago.

People marry later.

People date differently.

People live together before marriage.

People meet through apps.

People form relationships across countries.

..and perhaps most importantly, sex is more accessible than it has ever been.

You can literally meet someone, message them, flirt with them, exchange photographs and potentially begin an affair without leaving your bedroom.

Technology has changed the landscape of relationships and yet our desire for love, intimacy and connection hasn’t changed very much at all.

British attitudes have also changed dramatically over recent decades.

Research from the National Centre for Social Research shows a significant religious divide in attitudes towards premarital sex, but also demonstrates how much more permissive British society has become. In British Social Attitudes data, 93% of people identifying as non-religious regarded premarital sex as rarely wrong or not wrong at all, compared with 82% of those identifying as Anglican or Roman Catholic and 66% of people identifying as other Christian. (National Centre for Social Research⁠)

So Christianity hasn’t disappeared from the conversation.

But it is now having that conversation in a very different culture.

Try before you buy?

That phrase sounds awful when we’re talking about human beings.

People aren’t cars, People aren’t houses, People aren’t handbags and relationships certainly shouldn’t be treated like Amazon purchases with a fourteen-day return policy, but underneath the rather cheeky phrase is a genuine question.

Should sexual compatibility be something we discover before making a lifelong commitment?

Because we encourage people to discover compatibility in so many other areas.

Do you want children? Do you want to live in the same place? Do you have compatible financial values? Do you communicate well? Do you want the same kind of lifestyle? Can you resolve conflict? Do you share similar values?

Why, then, is sexual compatibility sometimes treated as the one area where we shouldn’t find out anything until after we’ve made the commitment?

The traditional Christian answer is that sex isn’t simply another compatibility test. It’s part of the covenant.

I understand that.

But as somebody who has explored relationships and sexuality from a therapeutic perspective, I also think we have to acknowledge something uncomfortable:

Two people can love each other deeply and still be sexually incompatible.

…and sadly love doesn’t always magically fix that.

What if the sex doesn’t grow?

We’ve all heard the advice:

“Wait for the right person. If you love each other enough, the sex will develop.”

Sometimes it probably does. Sometimes couples learn each other’s bodies.

They communicate.

They become more confident.

They discover what works.

They become safer with one another and the sexual relationship grows alongside the emotional one.

BUT….. sometimes it doesn’t.

One person may have a much higher libido.

One may want more physical affection.

One may have fantasies the other doesn’t share.

One may be adventurous and the other more reserved.

One may see sex as essential to feeling connected while the other doesn’t.

None of that necessarily means either person is bad.

It means they are human beings with different needs and this is why I think sexual compatibility deserves to be discussed without automatically dismissing it as shallow.

Sex isn’t everything, but for many couples, it is something.

What I believe as a Christian woman

This is where I want to make my own position very clear.

I don’t personally believe that a Christian has to follow exactly the same sexual boundaries as every other Christian. We are all individuals with our own minds, and bodies and opinions, and wow isn’t that what makes the world so great!!

Some Christians believe sex should only happen after marriage.

Some Christians believe that sex can be morally acceptable within a deeply committed relationship even if that relationship isn’t formally married.

Some Christians take a much more conservative interpretation of sexual behaviour.

Others are considerably more liberal.

And I think we can have those disagreements without turning on one another.

Personally, I believe commitment matters enormously.

If I were becoming intimate with somebody now, I wouldn’t want it to be casual in the sense of emotionally meaningless.

I would want trust, I would want to know the person, I would want to feel safe, I would want honesty, I would want mutual attraction, I would want emotional connection and I would want to know that if we became intimate, neither of us was treating the other person as disposable.

That, for me, is where my Christianity and my personal values meet.

Not necessarily in a list of sexual positions.

Not in a rulebook.

But in how I treat another human being. So recently for me, I moved away from celibacy and did have intimacy with someone I genuinely looked at and thought.. there was a genuine chance of a future together. 

Because intimacy creates responsibility

I’ve thought about this particularly recently.

When you become intimate with somebody and then that person pulls away, it can leave you sitting with an enormous amount of confusion.

You can find yourself asking: Was it something I did? Did I misread the connection? Did intimacy mean something different to them? Did I become attached? Did they?

Why did it feel close one minute and distant the next?

And whether you’re Christian or not, there is something we need to remember.

There is another human being on the other side of our choices.

That matters….

If you know that intimacy creates vulnerability, then kindness matters. If you know somebody is becoming emotionally attached, honesty matters. If you know you’re not looking for a relationship, communication matters and if you’ve changed your mind, you are still entitled to change your mind.

But you should do so with kindness.

That’s important to me.

Because consent isn’t just about whether somebody agreed to have sex.

A healthy sexual relationship also involves honesty, respect and consideration for the emotional consequences.

Does God ask us to take responsibility for our choices?

I believe Christianity does.

The Bible repeatedly presents human beings as responsible moral agents.

Paul writes in Romans 14:12 that each person will give an account of themselves to God.

Galatians 6:5 speaks about each person carrying their own load.

Christianity’s concept of repentance only really makes sense if our choices matter.

But here’s the beautiful part.

Christianity doesn’t say:

“You must be perfect.”

It says:

“You are responsible for what you do, and when you get it wrong, there is a path back.”

That’s very different from shame and I think that’s something we sometimes lose.

Guilt doesn’t automatically make us better Christians

There is a difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt says:

“I did something I believe was wrong.”

Shame says:

“There is something fundamentally wrong with me.”

Those are not the same thing.

I don’t believe carrying enormous shame about sexuality automatically makes somebody a better Christian.

The Catholic Catechism itself recognises that when assessing personal responsibility, factors including psychological and social circumstances, anxiety, immaturity and habitual behaviour can affect culpability. (Vatican⁠)

Christianity has a concept called grace for a reason.

If the Christian life were simply about never making a mistake, none of us would stand much of a chance.

Are Christians supposed to have vanilla sex?

This might be my favourite question.

Because where exactly does the Bible say that good Christian sex has to be boring? It doesn’t. There isn’t a biblical list saying:

Missionary: yes.

Oral sex: maybe.

Anal sex: absolutely not.

Role play: consult your priest.

Lights on: questionable.

Lights off: definitely holier.

I’m being deliberately ridiculous here because sometimes we talk about Christian sexuality as though God handed humanity a bedroom instruction manual.

The reality is much more complicated.

The Song of Solomon is one of the Bible’s most sensual books, celebrating physical attraction, desire and erotic love.

Christianity isn’t inherently anti-sex.

Traditional Christianity is actually saying something much more interesting:

Sex is good, but it belongs within a particular moral framework.

The disagreement is about what that framework should be.

What about fantasies?

This is another area where Christians disagree.

Jesus’ teaching about lust in Matthew 5:28 has traditionally been interpreted as an important warning about the internal life of desire.

Catholic teaching, for example, places considerable emphasis on purity of heart, self-mastery and the intention behind sexual desire. (Vatican⁠)

But having a sexual thought isn’t necessarily the same thing as acting upon it.

Human beings have imaginations, we have fantasies, we have curiosity, we have desires that sometimes surprise us.

And perhaps the healthier question isn’t:

“Did I have a sexual thought?”

but:

“What do I choose to do with it?”

There is a world of difference between having a fantasy and exploiting another person. There is a difference between imagination and coercion. There is a difference between two consenting adults exploring their sexuality and somebody being pressured into something they don’t want and those distinctions matter.

What about being sexually adventurous within marriage?

Again, Christians disagree.

Some traditions impose considerably more restrictions on sexual behaviour than others.

Catholic teaching, for example, connects marital sexuality with both its unitive and procreative dimensions and places significant limits around what it considers morally permissible. (Vatican⁠)

Other Christians place greater emphasis on mutual consent, love, fidelity, conscience and the absence of harm.

So I don’t think it is fair to say:

“Christian sex must be vanilla.”

Nor is it fair to say:

“Anything goes because you’re married.”

There are Christians on both sides of that conversation.

..and that’s okay. People are allowed to interpret their faith differently. Everything is always down to those two consenting adults.

Catholicism, Protestantism and the importance of context

This is why I think we have to be careful whenever somebody says:

“Christians believe…”

Which Christians?

The Catholic Church has an authoritative Catechism and a very developed theology of sexuality, chastity and marriage.

Protestant Christianity is much more decentralised.

The Church of England is currently continuing its work on relationships, sexuality and gender following the Living in Love and Faith process.

The Methodist Church has also developed its understanding of marriage and relationships over recent years, explicitly acknowledging different understandings within the Church. Its guidance on relationships has described good relationships in terms including commitment, care and mutuality, while recognising that Christians can hold differing convictions. (The Methodist Church⁠)

That doesn’t mean every Protestant church agrees with every other Protestant church.

Quite the opposite and I think that’s worth celebrating rather than fearing.

What about other cultures and religions?

Christianity isn’t the only religion to have a strong sexual ethic.

Islam places significant emphasis on sex within marriage and discourages premarital sexual relationships.

Judaism has its own rich and varied traditions concerning marriage, intimacy and sexual ethics.

Hindu traditions are diverse, with different philosophical and cultural approaches to sexuality, marriage and desire.

Plus secular societies increasingly tend to frame sexual ethics around consent, autonomy, equality, safety and responsibility rather than religious prohibition.

There isn’t one global human consensus about sex.

There never has been.

Cultures develop different answers because sex sits at the intersection of biology, reproduction, family, religion, morality, identity and social organisation.

So perhaps the question isn’t:

“Which culture has the one perfect answer?”

Perhaps the question is:

“What values do we want our sexual relationships to embody?”

What does modern science tell us?

Science can’t tell us whether God considers premarital sex sinful.

That’s a theological question. However science can tell us about sexual health, relationships and the consequences of different forms of education.

The World Health Organization’s current guidance supports comprehensive sexuality education that includes relationships, consent, bodily autonomy, contraception, pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. It says high-quality comprehensive sexuality education can delay sexual initiation and reduce sexual risk-taking while increasing contraceptive use. It also states that abstinence-only programmes are ineffective at preventing early sexual activity and risk-taking. (World Health Organization⁠)

That doesn’t mean Christians shouldn’t teach abstinence.

If a Christian believes abstinence is part of their faith, they should be free to teach and practise it, but education and personal conviction are two different things.

We can teach young people:

“You don’t have to have sex.”

while also teaching:

“If you do become sexually active, you need to understand consent, contraception, sexual health, boundaries, emotional consequences and respect.”

That’s not undermining morality, That’s responsibility.

Does having sex before marriage make you less of a Christian?

This is perhaps the question underneath all of this.

And I would say:

It depends upon what you mean by “less of a Christian.”

If somebody belongs to a Christian tradition that teaches premarital sex is sinful, then having sex outside marriage would be considered contrary to that teaching.

We shouldn’t pretend otherwise.

But does one sexual decision erase somebody’s faith?

Does it mean they no longer love God?

Does it mean they are incapable of being kind?

Does it mean they cannot repent?

Does it mean they are morally inferior to somebody who has never had sex?

I don’t think we can reduce Christianity to a sexual purity scoreboard.

What actually makes somebody a good person?

This is where I keep coming back to character.

You can be sexually inexperienced and still be cruel.

You can be sexually experienced and incredibly compassionate.

You can be religious and unfaithful.

You can be non-religious and deeply committed.

You can be married and betray somebody.

You can be unmarried and treat someone with extraordinary care.

Sexual history tells us something about a person.

But it doesn’t tell us everything.

And certainly not their worth.

Maybe kindness is the missing piece

Perhaps this is the part I most want to emphasise.

Whether you’re Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, atheist, agnostic or anything else, kindness should matter in our sexual relationships.

If you know somebody is vulnerable, be careful with them.

If you know they are developing feelings, don’t deliberately exploit that.

If you know you’re not available for a relationship, be honest.

If you change your mind, communicate.

If you make a mistake, own it….

If you hurt somebody, don’t hide behind technicalities.

and if somebody hurts you, remember that their behaviour doesn’t determine your worth.

That, to me, feels deeply compatible with Christianity.

Because Christianity is not simply about rules.

It is about how we love one another.

Love, sex and the reality of compatibility

I don’t believe that sex should be treated as the most important part of a relationship, but I also don’t believe we should pretend it doesn’t matter.

For some people, physical intimacy is a central expression of love. For others, it is less important. Neither person is necessarily wrong.

The challenge comes when two people have fundamentally different needs and neither feels able to talk about them. That is where communication becomes so important.

Perhaps we need to teach people that sexual compatibility isn’t about finding somebody who performs perfectly. It is about finding somebody with whom you can communicate.

Somebody who listens, Somebody who respects boundaries, Somebody who can tell you what they like without humiliating you for what you like. Somebody who can hear “no” without taking it personally, Somebody who can say “I don’t know” without feeling ashamed.

And somebody who can say:

“Let’s work this out together.”

Would I abstain from sex until marriage?

Personally?

No.

Not at this stage of my life. I’m 43. I’m an adult woman. I understand my values. I understand consequences. I take responsibility for my choices and I don’t think being Christian means I have to hand over my entire decision-making process to somebody else’s interpretation of Scripture.

That doesn’t mean I have no boundaries.

Quite the opposite.

There are things I would only explore with somebody I deeply trusted. There are things I would only do within a secure, committed relationship. There are things I would say no to regardless of how much I loved somebody and there are things I might say yes to because they felt right for me and the person I was with.

Those decisions would be mine.

And I Kerry, would take responsibility for them.

Perhaps that is what being liberated actually means

Being sexually liberated doesn’t have to mean:

“I will sleep with anybody and do anything.”

It can mean:

“I know myself.”

“I know my boundaries.”

“I know my values.”

“I can make an informed decision.”

“I can say yes without shame.”

“I can say no without guilt.”

“I can change my mind.”

“I can take responsibility for the consequences of my choices.”

And perhaps most importantly:

“I can respect somebody else’s humanity while still honouring my own.”

That’s a very different definition of sexual liberation.

So, is the Bible a bedroom rule book?

Maybe that’s the question we should leave ourselves with, because I don’t think Christianity needs to be afraid of conversations about sex.

I don’t think Christians need to be embarrassed about having sexual desires. I don’t think having fantasies automatically makes somebody dirty. I don’t think a person’s sexual history determines their spiritual worth and I don’t think sexual liberation automatically means moral recklessness.

But equally, I don’t think we should dismiss the traditional Christian sexual ethic as old-fashioned nonsense.

There is something profoundly valuable in the Christian insistence on fidelity, commitment, self-control, responsibility and the dignity of another person.

Those are values I can get behind.

The question is whether those values necessarily require exactly the same sexual rules for every Christian and I don’t think we can answer that honestly without acknowledging that Christians themselves disagree.

Maybe there isn’t one answer

Some Christians will wait until marriage.

Some won’t.

Some will believe sex outside marriage is sinful.

Some will believe that committed, loving relationships can have a moral sexual foundation even without marriage.

Some Christians will have very traditional sexual boundaries.

Others will be much more adventurous.

Some will have no problem with fantasies.

Others will feel uncomfortable with them.

Some will believe that particular sexual practices are wrong.

Others will believe that between consenting adults in a committed relationship, those decisions belong to the couple.

And I think we can disagree.

Actually, I think we should be able to disagree.

Because faith is personal.

Morality is personal.

Values are personal.

And ultimately, each of us has to live with our own decisions.

The Christian sex debate nobody wants to have

Perhaps the question isn’t:

“Are Christians allowed to have sex?”

Perhaps it’s:

“What makes sex loving?”

Is it marriage?

Is it commitment?

Is it consent?

Is it fidelity?

Is it responsibility?

Is it emotional safety?

Is it all of those things?

And perhaps the answer isn’t exactly the same for everyone. I can respect the Christian who chooses abstinence. I can respect the Christian who believes deeply that sex belongs within marriage and I can also respect the Christian who has wrestled with Scripture, thought deeply about their faith and reached a different conclusion.

What I don’t think we need is shame.

What I don’t think we need is judgement.

And what I definitely don’t think we need is the idea that somebody’s sexual choices automatically tell us whether they are a “good” or “bad” Christian.

Because perhaps the more important question is not simply what happened in the bedroom.

Perhaps it’s what happened between two human beings.

Was there honesty?

Was there kindness?

Was there respect?

Was there consent?

Was there responsibility?

Was there care?

Was there love?

Those questions matter to me.

Perhaps they should matter to all of us, regardless of what we believe happens after we die because if Christianity teaches us anything, surely one of the most important lessons is this:

We are responsible for how we love one another.

Perhaps that’s where sex, faith and morality meet.

Not in a perfect bedroom.

Not in a list of rules.

Not in shame.

But in love, responsibility, kindness and the choices we make when another human being has trusted us with something vulnerable.

Late Autism diagnosis in Women; Why Autistic women are so often misdiagnosed

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

I was speaking to a psychiatrist today, and it got me thinking about how many women reach their 30s and 40s before anyone realises they are autistic.

For decades, their difficulties may have been labelled as anxiety.

Depression, PTSD, being “too sensitive”, Being “overly emotional”, Being difficult, being unable to cope and sometimes, they are simply given antidepressants and sent on their way.

“Why is everything so overwhelming?”

Not just:

“Are you anxious?”

But:

“What has your relationship with the world, people and change always been like?”

Not just:

“Why can’t you move on from this relationship?”

But:

“What exactly is your brain trying to process about what happened?”

Because sometimes the woman who has spent her entire life wondering why she finds everything so much harder than everybody else isn’t broken.

She isn’t lazy, she isn’t dramatic, she isn’t anxious, she isn’t a recluse and She isn’t too sensitive.

She may simply have spent decades trying to navigate a world that wasn’t designed around the way her brain works and for some women, an autism diagnosis in their 30s or 40s isn’t discovering something new.

It’s finally being given an explanation for a lifetime of things that never quite made sense, and a final chance to understand their selves as a whole. 

For me personally, getting my own diagnosis was a long and difficult process. For a long time, I had essentially been written off as ADHD, but I always felt that there were parts of me that didn’t quite fit that explanation. I felt that so many of my traits were much more aligned with autism, but getting someone to actually look at the bigger picture wasn’t straightforward. 

There were several assessments, a lot of questioning and a lot of trying to make sense of things I’d experienced throughout my life. Then, finally, I got my autism diagnosis, and I cried, because these two Doctors understood everything and said what I was experiencing was just ‘My way’ and that I had been putting up a fight all my life, to conform to a Neurotypical world. 

What surprised me most wasn’t just receiving the diagnosis itself, but how much my understanding of autism changed afterwards. I had always associated the word “autism” with disability and, if I’m completely honest, I had my own stigma around it. It wasn’t until my son was diagnosed that I started looking at autism differently and becoming much more accepting of it. 

Then, when I began to understand my own autism, I started seeing the benefits too. I started understanding that my brain isn’t wrong , it simply works differently. It helped me look back at my life and understand why I’ve always been different, why I’ve always been quirky, why I’ve always had this intensity to me, why I experience emotions so deeply and why certain things that seem completely ordinary to other people can feel overwhelming to me. 

I realised why so many past lovers, had always said I become utterly fixated in the bedroom, ‘I apparently get a look in my eyes and I don’t focus on how I look, or bull shit, I’m just completely in the Sex Zone’, and this is actually down to Monotropism, where Autistic attention can become extremely  concentrated on one thing. In an intimate situation, that intense focus can mean you’re completely in the experience, rather than simultaneously thinking about how you’re appearing, what you should be doing next, or what your partner thing, and it’s one of the only times an autistic brain can be silenced, and become quiet because the intensity in sex in which you’re engaged in becomes the only thing your senses want. 

Now Monotropism doesn’t mean every Autistic woman is passionate or sexually responsive, but emotional responses, intense attraction, becoming absorbed, fixations and experiences sensory experiences different, is a high of intensity, and many of the Neurotypical people you’re Intimate with can be totally mind blown or on the other hand often intimidated.

So, whilst this doesn’t mean Autistic women can be better in bed, it just means, autistic women can experience intimacy, attraction and sensory experiences more intensely.

With my diagnosis, it even made me reconsider things people have said to me throughout my life. My child’s father, for example, would often tell me that I “lead with emotion and not logic.” Friends have said things to me that I don’t necessarily believe they intended to be hurtful, but I couldn’t understand why they were saying them because I genuinely assumed that people thought in the same way I did. I couldn’t comprehend why they couldn’t see things the way I could, just as they couldn’t comprehend why I saw things so differently. 

I think that’s one of the biggest misunderstandings between neurotypical and neurodivergent people: we can look at the same situation through completely different neurological lenses and assume the other person is simply being difficult, irrational, intense or weird. They’re not necessarily being any of those things. Their brain may simply be processing the world differently. My diagnosis has given me a completely different way of understanding myself. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” I’m learning to ask, “Why does my brain work this way?” And that shift has been enormous for me.

But what if we started looking at the whole picture?

What if we asked questions about how that woman has actually experienced life from childhood onwards?

Did she always prefer having one really close friend, rather than a big group?

Did having one person she trusted make friendships feel much easier?

Did she always prefer staying at home rather than going out?

Did social situations exhaust her, even when she seemed perfectly capable of handling them?

Did she become overwhelmed incredibly easily?

Did she struggle when plans changed?

Did she retreat from the world when everything became too much?

Did she spend enormous amounts of time thinking about decisions, analysing every possible outcome and then struggle to actually make the decision?

Did she have intense interests or become completely absorbed in particular subjects?

Did she repeatedly buy books, research things obsessively or become fixated on a new interest?

Did she experience a profound sense of injustice when something felt unfair?

And perhaps most interestingly…

Did she struggle to let go of people, situations or relationships that she felt had treated her unfairly? Because.. stop the press, this is something I think deserves far more understanding and discussing!!

There are women who become completely consumed by an ex-partner, a baby father, a friendship breakdown or a relationship that ended years ago, for what seems like most of their lives…

And their friends might say:

“Why are you still talking about him?”

“You need to let it go.”

“He’s moved on. Why haven’t you?”

But sometimes it isn’t simply that the woman is “hung up” on somebody.

There can also be a difference in how an autistic woman processes the ending of a relationship. If someone sits down with her, explains clearly that they don’t want to continue the relationship, gives her a reason and there is some sense of closure, she may actually be able to accept it, even if it hurts deeply. But when somebody suddenly disappears, ends things without explanation, changes their behaviour overnight, cheats or leaves her with unanswered questions, it can be much harder to process. The brain can get stuck on the why. What happened? What changed? What did I miss? Why wasn’t I told? Why wasn’t I given the opportunity to understand? And that unresolved sense of injustice or lack of closure can become something she keeps returning to. It isn’t necessarily that she wants the person back, it can be that she simply cannot make sense of what happened. 

For some autistic women, when something doesn’t have a logical ending, the mind can keep trying to solve it long after the relationship itself has ended. Sometimes there is a combination of fixation, emotional intensity, difficulty processing an unresolved situation and a powerful sense of injustice.

If something doesn’t make sense to her, if she believes she has been treated unfairly, or if there are unanswered questions, her brain may continue returning to it.

Not because she necessarily wants the person back. Not because she is deliberately dwelling on it, but because her brain hasn’t reached a sense of resolution and this is where autism can sometimes be misunderstood. 

That doesn’t mean every woman who struggles to move on from an ex is autistic. It doesn’t mean every woman with anxiety is autistic. It doesn’t mean every woman who stays at home, overthinks, feels overwhelmed or experiences relationship difficulties is autistic.

But there is a growing recognition that autistic women can present very differently from the stereotypical picture of autism , particularly women who have spent their lives masking, adapting and trying desperately to appear as though everything is fine.

They can become incredibly good at functioning.

Until they aren’t.

They can hold everything together until the demands of life become too much.

Then they may experience burnout, shutdown, anxiety, depression or what looks like an inability to cope.

And because the autism underneath it hasn’t been recognised, the treatment focuses on the symptoms rather than understanding the underlying reason for them. So, they get fed anti-depressants, higher dose, after higher dose, this tablet, that tablet, and still they feel the same… 

So perhaps we need to start asking different questions.

Not just:

“Are you depressed?”

But:

“Why is everything so overwhelming?”

Not just:

“Are you anxious?”

But:

“What has your relationship with the world, people and change always been like?”

Not just:

“Why can’t you move on from this relationship?”

But:

“What exactly is your brain trying to process about what happened?”

Because sometimes the woman who has spent her entire life wondering why she finds everything so much harder than everybody else isn’t broken.

She isn’t lazy.

She isn’t dramatic.

She isn’t too sensitive.

She may simply have spent decades trying to navigate a world that wasn’t designed around the way her brain works.

For some autistic women, social situations can involve a constant awareness of social conformity and how they are being perceived. A woman might be walking into the playground to pick up her child while her mind is already running through a hundred questions: 

Do I fit in here?

Does that mum like me?

Have I said something wrong?

Why aren’t they talking to me?

Do they think I’m strange? 

She might walk into a Pilates class and instinctively choose a place at the back, not because she doesn’t want to participate, but because she isn’t sure how she will be received or whether she might embarrass herself. This constant monitoring can make ordinary social situations exhausting. 

There can also be a tendency to analyse relationships and social dynamics very deeply, noticing changes in people’s tone, behaviour or body language and trying to work out what they mean. Forming friendships can also be different. Rather than wanting a large social circle, some autistic women may feel much more comfortable with one or two deep, trusted friendships where there is less need to constantly work out the rules of the group. Learning to step back from social conformity can sometimes help: instead of asking “Do these people like me?”, it can be more useful to ask “What do these people actually bring to my life, and how relevant are their opinions to me?” That shift doesn’t necessarily remove social awareness , autistic women can be extremely perceptive about other people, however it can help separate noticing someone’s reaction from feeling responsible for it. Someone else’s opinion doesn’t have to determine how a woman feels about herself, and she doesn’t have to change who she is simply to fit into a social environment. I learned long ago to look at people and think ‘What fucking joy do you bring to my lovely life’ – and most of the time it was Fuck all!! So what relevance do these people have, does it even matter if they like you or not, their judgement is on them, and not you. You be you, and realise you don’t need everyone to like you in this life, you are beautiful and just wired differently.

And for some women, an autism diagnosis in their 30s or 40s isn’t discovering something new.

It’s finally being given an explanation for a lifetime of things that never quite made sense.

I’ve Finally Popped My Dating Cherry

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you’ll probably know something about me already.

I don’t really date, well I haven’t… not since splitting with my Child father.

That probably sounds ridiculous coming from someone who spends so much time talking and writing about relationships, attachment styles and modern dating, but it’s true.

Throughout my adult life I’ve tended to meet one person, spend weeks talking to them, build an emotional connection, and before I know it, we’re either in a relationship… or I’m left wondering what happened… which has happened really only the last few years, which I do attribute to the whole Dating scene in general these days.

I’ve always been an “all my eggs in one basket” kind of woman.

Until now.

This week, something changed.

Quite unexpectedly, a last minute change of plans led me to a date in Leeds this week, with someone I’d only just matched to, and it was actually really lovely.

It was lovely.

There is no long term future because he’s moving to Dubai, but that’s almost irrelevant. Sometimes people come into your life simply to remind you what healthy interaction feels like.

He was funny, Confident, Direct, No games, No mixed messages, No trying to decode whether he was interested.

No disappearing for several days only to reappear with a vague excuse.

Just… straightforward.

And do you know what surprised me most?

It made me realise what I’m actually attracted to, the kind of man I need..

It’s Not Just About Looks

Anyone who knows me well laughs that I clearly have “a type.”

In fact, my best friend joked yesterday that all my exes look like clones of one another. “Did this one look like a clone too?” she asked, and they really do.

Not quite.

But what attracted me wasn’t actually just his appearance. It was his communication. His confidence, His ability to say exactly what he meant.

It dawned on me that I don’t just find confidence attractive. I find clarity attractive. There’s something incredibly reassuring about someone whose actions match their words.

Someone who isn’t afraid to communicate.

Someone who doesn’t leave you wondering.

Someone who doesn’t make you work out whether they’re interested.

That’s attractive, that’s what creates chemistry.. uncertainty does not equal chemistry.

The Difference Between Online and Real Life

One thing I’ve also realised recently is how easy it is to create assumptions about someone online.

You can read someone’s LinkedIn posts, See polished Instagram captions, follow someones whatssap status, read articulate dating profiles, Watch their videos and naturally you begin building an impression of them, but social media isn’t conversation. The sense of humour and depth people put out to their nearest and dearest, isn’t for new people to presume or judge on, but maybe we give too much of ourselves to people who don’t deserve it, people who haven’t earned that priviledge just yet . I don’t think people do not necessarily judge on purpose, however people form a perception and fill in their own gaps, without giving the person they’ve never met a true opportunity.

Also there are so many people who communicate brilliantly online because they have time to think, edit and even use AI tools to polish what they want to say.

Then you meet them in person…

…and it’s completely different.

Sometimes the confidence disappears.

Sometimes the conversation struggles to flow.

Sometimes the emotional intelligence you imagined simply isn’t there.

It reminded me that chemistry isn’t something you can predict through a phone screen.

I’ve Always Put All My Eggs in One Basket

This has probably been my biggest dating pattern, Meet one person, Focus solely on them, Invest emotionally, Stop noticing everyone else, Build hope, Build expectations.

Wait.

And wait some more.

Looking back now, I can see why.

Psychologists often describe this as an investment strategy. Once we begin emotionally investing in someone, our brain naturally starts filtering out alternatives. People with anxious attachment tendencies, or simply those who value commitment highly, often focus deeply on one connection because exclusivity feels emotionally safer than spreading attention across multiple people.

Research has also shown that once people imagine a future with someone, they’re more likely to overlook incompatibilities and continue investing, even when the relationship isn’t progressing.

I can definitely recognise myself in that.

This Week Felt Different

For the first time, I found myself chatting to more than one person, Not because I’m playing games, Not because I’m collecting options, Not because I enjoy endless messaging.

Quite the opposite, I just know I’m dating with intention. There’s a huge difference, I’m getting to know people, Having conversations. Seeing whether there’s compatibility.

Allowing people the opportunity to show me who they are before emotionally investing everything into one person.

And honestly?

It’s been refreshing, but wow hard work. I’m struggling to chat, but know I have to, and it’s not going too bad.  I’ve realised how much emotional pressure I’d unknowingly placed on previous situations. When you only have one person in your mind, every message matters.

Every delay matters.

Every cancelled plan matters.

Everything feels amplified.

Now?

I’m simply enjoying getting to know people.

There’s far less pressure.

Far less overthinking, Far more curiosity.

Learning From My Last Situation

I’d spent around eight weeks chatting to someone recently. We never actually met. Looking back, there was a clear imbalance. Not necessarily because either of us were bad people. Simply because our communication styles were completely different.

Would we have been compatible in person?

I’ll never know, and that’s okay. Sometimes people aren’t chapters.

They’re lessons.

Rather than feeling disappointed, I found myself naturally friend zoning that situation before deciding to start dating properly, I tried to hold off and felt I gave it my all and showed the full me, understanding, patience, kindness and a part of me that I only show those super close, however I realise, maybe I shouldn’t have shown up like that, when you’ve never met someone they can’t ever know or see the real you.

Moving on wasn’t about replacing anyone.

It was about recognising that if something isn’t moving forwards, it’s okay to keep living your life, and coincidently the night I was going on a date, was the night our communication ceased.

Dating With Intention Isn’t The Same As Dating Casually

I think this is where people sometimes get confused. Dating multiple people doesn’t automatically mean sleeping with multiple people.

Those are two completely different things. For me, dating simply means meeting people.

Having conversations, on the phone (Yep the last situation weirdly spent 8 weeks texting and not one call – Yes I should of read the signs).

Going for Walks, Laughing, Learning. Seeing whether there’s compatibility.

I’m actually clearer now than I’ve ever been.

I don’t want casual sex, I have never felt the need for casual sex, because a few hours of madness, can leave you feeling awful the next few days..

Perosnally for me, I don’t need validation. I’m not looking for excitement for the sake of excitement. 

I’m looking for my person.

The next person I’m intimate with will be someone with whom I’m building something meaningful.

That’s my choice and it feels incredibly peaceful.

A Little Excitement

Last night I caught up with an old flame, We’ve both already agreed it’s not a date, and as he picked me up, he’d brought me a coffee for the journey, laughing at the fact he knows I hate coffee dates. 

It’s simply two people catching up. I felt super comfortable, no pressure, no expectations.

Just two people seeing whether they enjoy each other’s company.

And honestly? I loved wearing a pretty dress, linking arms and walking around the Docks was so pretty, Being myself, with someone who knew me, and although it was essentially just friends catching up, we flirted and it felt nice.

For the first time in a very long time right now, dating doesn’t feel scary.

It feels exciting, its crazy to think I’ve only had half a dozen dates the last few years, but right now, I feel comfy at just the chatting stage and maybe there maybe one or two more dates to pencil, but hey no rush. 

Maybe This Is What Healthy Dating Actually Looks Like

Perhaps I’ve finally realised something important. Dating isn’t about desperately hoping every person becomes “the one.”

It’s about allowing enough space for the right person to reveal themselves, to meet in person, and not judge too early. It’s about curiosity instead of pressure.

Connection instead of obsession.

Intentionality instead of urgency.

I’m still dating for a relationship.

That hasn’t changed.

But I’m no longer dating from scarcity. I’m dating from abundance.

There’s a huge difference.

So yes…

I’ve finally popped my dating cherry.

Not because I’ve suddenly become someone who dates endlessly, I can’t suddenly just change who I am, but because, for the first time, I’m allowing myself to enjoy the process rather than trying to rush towards the destination.

Wish me luck.

I have a feeling this chapter might be a good one… and I thought I would add in a few interesting Dating facts..

• Surveys consistently find that many users of dating apps talk to multiple people at once before becoming exclusive. This isn’t necessarily because they’re less serious, but because it helps them avoid becoming emotionally invested before compatibility has been established.

• As Relationship therapists, we often recommend delaying heavy emotional investment until you’ve spent time together in person. Messaging can create a false sense of intimacy because our brains naturally fill in the gaps with assumptions.

• Studies on modern dating suggest that clear, consistent communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. It’s often less about saying the “right” things and more about reliability, honesty and emotional availability.

• People who date with intention typically report focusing on shared values, emotional maturity and consistency over initial chemistry alone. While attraction matters, long-term compatibility is built through communication, trust and aligned life goals rather than butterflies alone.

The Missing Ingredient: Are We So Busy Living That We’ve Forgotten to Love?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

I feel like, in today’s day and age, we’re forgetting our age.

We’re forgetting how quickly time passes us by.

We’re spending so many years trying to cling on to our youth. Desperate to be seen. Desperate to be validated. Desperate to keep our options open. Desperate to have variety when it comes to sex. Desperate not to settle down too soon, commit too quickly, or somehow miss out on something better that might be waiting around the corner.

But in doing all of that, I wonder if we’re actually missing one of the most crucial ingredients of a genuinely happy life.

Love.

Meaningless hookups don’t make a happy life.

Yes, they might leave you feeling happy for a night. Maybe even for 24 hours. There’s excitement. There’s attraction. There’s validation. There’s that temporary high of being wanted.

But then what? 

Who do you call when something incredible happens?

Who hugs you when you’ve achieved something you’ve worked years for?

Who knows the tiny details of your life that wouldn’t mean anything to anybody else?

Who do you turn to and say, “Fuck it. Should we just go on holiday?”

Who do you build the memories with?

I seldom talk about myself personally in my blogs. As a coach and trainee therapist, I’m conscious of boundaries and how much of myself I bring into the work that I do, but on this occasion, I thought, why not… because recently I’ve started to realise something that actually brings me a great deal of sadness.

Some of the best years of my life, I’m spending alone.

We all look towards the future and think, I don’t want to grow old and be lonely.

But what if we’re looking too far ahead?

What if some of us are spending the best years of our lives alone right now?I’m in my 40s. I feel good in myself. I’ve done an enormous amount of healing, I’ve worked on myself, body and mind, I’ve built a life. I’m raising my child, I’m studying, I’m working,I’m travelling. I’m achieving things I’m proud of. Yet, sometimes, I look around at my friends who are in relationships.

They’re off to Italy. Mykonos. America. Australia.

They’re seeing the world. they’re going for date nights, they’re having weekends away. they’re building a collection of memories that belong to the two of them.

And then there’s me…. 

Going on my solo trips, Travelling with my child, waiting to see who can get childcare and plan that once a year night out…

And don’t misunderstand me, I absolutely love travelling with my child. Those memories are some of the most precious memories of my life. 

I have friends. I have family. I have a child I adore, I mean I’m not always sitting at home with nobody in my life… lol, But sometimes I sit there and think:

I’d love some romance in my life.

I’d love somebody to share all of this with.

I thought, last year, that maybe I’d found that.

It wasn’t meant to be.

If I’m completely honest, it felt like 50% of the relationship was love bombing and the final three months were spent with me acting as a personal therapist. The push pull dynamic, never knowing where you stand is Toxic, and not for my own attachment style at all..

Wrong person… Wrong relationship. 

Perhaps even the wrong relationships can teach us something about what we actually want. I remember being in Ibiza once and going on a date with a gorgeous Portuguese guy called Francisco. We had such a good date.He took me for a beautiful dinner. We went for drinks. We talked.

And at one point, he looked at me and said:

“Kerry, do you get lonely?” as we talked about what it’s like to be single..

And I said no.

Because I’m not lonely… Not in the traditional sense of the word, more so in an empty bed kind of way! As a mother, I have my child. I have friends. I have family. I have people I love and people who love me.

But there’s a particular kind of connection I miss.

I miss my person.

Recently, I completed another year of study. I got the message congratulating me on passing and in that moment, I missed having somebody there to congratulate me.

Someone to give me a hug.

Someone to ask how I felt.

Someone who understood how much work had gone into getting there.

And equally, I miss being that person for somebody else.

I miss praising someone.

I miss making somebody feel good.

I miss having someone walk through the door and being genuinely excited to hear about their day.

I miss having somebody say:

“Fuck it. Should we just go on holiday?”

Or:

“Should we go out tonight?”

I miss the spontaneity that comes from having somebody to do life with.

And recently I’ve realised something.

Life is just passing by.

We’re such slaves to work. Slaves to money. Slaves to our schedules. Slaves to this idea that we need to have everything sorted before we’re allowed to make room for love.

We tell ourselves:

I’m too busy.

I’ve got too much going on.

I haven’t got the capacity for a relationship.

Maybe when work calms down.

Maybe when the children are older.

Maybe when I’ve healed a little bit more.

Maybe when I’ve achieved this.

Maybe when I’ve sorted that.

But when exactly is life going to become completely uncomplicated?

Probably never.. and I think I’ve been guilty of this too.

Sometimes I push people away because I tell myself I’m not ready.

I tell myself I don’t have the time or capacity for a relationship because I’m so busy with work, but maybe they just haven’t been the right people.

Because there’s an important distinction here.

I don’t need anybody, but I would like somebody.

There’s a huge difference.

But I also wonder whether some of us have become a little too good at not needing anybody.

We celebrate independence. We celebrate the person who has been hurt, picked themselves back up, built their own life and learnt how to stand completely on their own two feet and rightly so.

However, psychologically, there’s something interesting that can happen when you’ve spent a long time having to rely on yourself. Independence can become more than a strength. It can become protection.

You become so accustomed to solving your own problems that asking for help feels uncomfortable. So used to carrying everything yourself that letting somebody carry something for you feels almost unnatural. So capable of regulating your own life that allowing another person into it starts to feel like a disruption rather than an addition and perhaps that’s where hyper-independence can creep in.

There’s a difference between I can do this alone and I must do this alone.

There’s a difference between choosing independence and being so afraid of depending on another human being that you never allow yourself to experience interdependence, the healthy middle ground where two capable people choose to lean on each other without losing themselves.

I think that’s something I’ve had to question within myself.

Am I genuinely too busy for a relationship?

Or have I become so accustomed to doing everything myself that I’ve convinced myself there simply isn’t room for another person?

Because maybe the goal was never to need nobody.

Maybe the goal was to know that I could survive alone, while still allowing myself to admit that life might be nicer shared.

I don’t want somebody because I can’t survive alone. I’ve already proved that I can. I don’t need someone to rescue me. I don’t need somebody to financially support me. I don’t need somebody to give me an identity.

I’ve built my own life.

But being capable of doing life alone doesn’t necessarily mean I want to do all of it alone. I want somebody who matches my energy.

I want somebody who asks me how I am in the morning.

“Good morning, baby. How did you sleep?”

Someone who checks in during the day.

“How’s your day going?”

Someone who says goodnight.

“Goodnight, darling.”

It doesn’t have to be constant communication. We’re adults. We’re busy. We have jobs. Children. Responsibilities.

However, I miss those little moments of knowing that somewhere in the world, somebody is thinking about you.

That ten-minute phone call at night:

“I just thought I’d ring you. I miss your voice.”

That’s what I miss.

That person checking in.

That person to share it all with.

Although, I have female best friends whom I’m incredibly grateful for, I miss having a best friend who is also my partner.

Someone who’s your lover, your teammate, your safe place and the person you laugh with over something nobody else would find remotely funny.

When I became single and left my child’s father, I left because I needed to find myself, I needed to find happiness, I needed to heal. I needed to grow and spread my wings like a butterfly.

I had been in an unhappy relationship, but I was also very unhealed and very unhappy within myself at the time.

So I left, I found myself, I built a different life and somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I always assumed I’d meet somebody.

When I met someone in 2025, I remember thinking:

Yeah. I’m ready for this.

Sadly, he wasn’t the right person.

I chose wrong.

However that doesn’t mean wanting the relationship was wrong.

Lately, I’ve had the strangest feeling, I can’t even properly comprehend it. I almost feel like maybe there’s a relationship around the corner. Of course I’ve chatted to people. I’ve been on a couple of dates over the past couple of years, but recently I’ve found myself looking at the people in my life and wondering:

Have I already met him?

Is it somebody I’ve never had a relationship with before?

Could it be somebody from my past?

For me, it’s rarely going to be somebody old because I don’t particularly like looking backwards, an ex is an ex for a reason….

Or is he somebody I haven’t met yet?

I genuinely don’t know.

I just have this weird gut feeling I’ve had for the last few weeks that maybe there is somebody out there for me.

Perhaps the bigger realisation is this:

Maybe I have to make myself available for him.

Not available in the sense of downloading every dating app and desperately searching for a relationship.

Emotionally available.

Making space.

Stop telling myself I’m too busy.

Stop telling myself I’ve got too much stress.

Stop telling myself I’ve got too much pressure.

Maybe if I let the right person in, some of that stress wouldn’t feel quite so heavy. Maybe life isn’t supposed to be something we carry entirely by ourselves.

So what are we doing as human beings?

Why do we push away good things because we tell ourselves we haven’t got time for them? the irony is we’re right.

We haven’t got time.

Just perhaps not in the way we think.

We haven’t got unlimited time.

We’re spending it every single day.

We’re just not always spending it on the things that will matter when we look back.

I look at my own life and think:

I’m always working.

I’m studying.

I’ve got my child.

Where exactly am I supposed to fit a relationship into all of this?

But then I think about last year, I had fewer staff, I was arguably even busier.

Yet somehow I fitted a relationship in perfectly.

It worked, It worked around childcare, It worked around work.

We gave each other time.

Sometimes it was simply a couple of nights a week being in his arms and it was nice.

Again, wrong person.

Perhaps that relationship taught me something important. When the cards are actually on the table and a relationship is genuinely on offer, I can make space for it.

Maybe I do want a relationship…. Actually, I know I do.

Because I don’t want to spend the best years of my life, in my prime, creating all these incredible memories and have nobody beside me who remembers them too.

I don’t want to meet somebody in my 50s and say:

“Do you remember when I did this?”

“Do you remember when I went there?”

And then realise: No. Of course they don’t.

Because they weren’t there.

Sometimes I look at older couples who’ve spent decades together. They’re old, they’re grey, life has slowed down, yet they have this enormous invisible library between them.

A lifetime of memories.

“Do you remember that holiday?”

“Do you remember when the children were little?”

“Do you remember that ridiculous restaurant?”

“Do you remember when we got completely lost?”

“Do you remember when we couldn’t stop laughing?”

Their bodies have aged, their lives have changed, but they have decades of remember whens. I’ve come to realise something I genuinely didn’t think I’d ever say.

I’m not just ready for love.

I’m ready for somebody to share my life with.

I’m ready to build memories with somebody.

I’m ready to grow alongside somebody.

I’m ready to create a family life together.

I’m ready for a partner.

..and believe me, I’m quite stubborn. It’s taken me a while to admit that.

Because our culture celebrates independence—and rightly so.

We tell people:

You don’t need anyone.

Learn to love yourself.

Be happy alone.

Don’t settle.

Know your worth.

And all of those things are important.

But I wonder whether somewhere along the way we’ve taken a healthy message and pushed it too far. We’ve started confusing independence with emotional isolation. We’ve started treating needing connection as weakness. We’ve become so frightened of appearing needy that sometimes we’re afraid to admit we have needs at all. We tell ourselves that the second somebody doesn’t meet every expectation, we should cut them off.

That there’s always another option.

Another swipe.

Another person.

Another date.

Another body.

We’ve created endless choice while somehow becoming increasingly disconnected and I wonder whether modern dating has inadvertently taught us to approach human beings like products.

We scroll. We swipe. We compare.

Too short.

Too tall.

Too available.

Not available enough.

Too keen.

Not keen enough.

Wrong job.

Wrong location.

Wrong shoes.

Next.

Of course, having standards is important. Boundaries are important. Compatibility matters enormously, but the paradox of having so much choice is that sometimes, instead of making us more certain, it can make us less satisfied with whatever we choose.

There’s always the lingering possibility that somebody better might be one swipe away and relationships don’t work particularly well when we’re constantly looking over somebody’s shoulder to see who else has just walked into the room.

I also wonder if we’ve created something of an avoidant dating culture.

Not because everyone is avoidantly attached, that would be far too simplistic, but because many of the behaviours modern dating normalises can look remarkably similar to emotional avoidance.

Keeping things casual, Keeping your options open, Not defining the relationship. Pulling away when things become emotionally intense. Ghosting rather than having an uncomfortable conversation.

Moving on to somebody new rather than working through vulnerability with the person standing in front of you.

We call it freedom.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes, I wonder if what we’re actually doing is becoming incredibly skilled at avoiding attachment, because real intimacy isn’t found in endlessly meeting new people. It’s built when you stay long enough for somebody to actually know you. Not the version of you on the first date. Not your best photographs. Not your funny stories. Not the version who is effortlessly cool and definitely doesn’t care whether they text back.

You.

And perhaps that’s the uncomfortable thing about love. At some point, you have to stop browsing.

You have to choose.

And then you have to allow yourself to be chosen too.

Maybe that’s why some of us are still single.

Not because there’s nobody good enough out there, Not because we’re broken, Not because love isn’t meant for us, but because somewhere along the way, we became so good at protecting our peace that we forgot love requires us to open the door occasionally.

Of course, boundaries matter, Mine certainly do. If somebody consistently doesn’t give me attention, effort or emotional availability, I will walk away.

I don’t need to chase anybody.

There’s a difference between having boundaries and building walls. There’s a difference between recognising the wrong person and never giving the right person enough room to get close and perhaps that’s the question some of us need to ask ourselves:

Are we genuinely unavailable because life is too busy, or are we using busyness to protect ourselves from being vulnerable again?

Because love does require vulnerability. It requires making room. It requires allowing another human being to matter to you and yes, that means they could hurt you.

But they could also love you. They could also make an ordinary Tuesday feel like something worth remembering. They could be the person sitting beside you decades from now saying:

“Do you remember when…?”

So I asked myself a very simple question.

What do I actually want?

Do I want money? Not particularly.

As long as I have enough to pay my bills and live my life, I’m happy.

Do I want a healthy, happy child? More than anything in the world.

Do I want love? Yes.

Do I want happy memories? Yes.

Do I want a lifetime of togetherness? Yes.

I do.

Maybe that’s the ingredient we’re missing.

Not another achievement, Not another pay rise, Not another follower. Not another person finding us attractive. Not another meaningless hookup. Not another opportunity to prove we don’t need anybody.

Maybe it’s simply having somebody beside you who makes you feel glad you’re alive.

Someone to witness your life.

Someone whose life you get to witness too.

Someone to celebrate with.

Someone to comfort.

Someone to travel with.

Someone to laugh with.

Someone to come home to.

Someone who remembers.

Because one day, if we’re lucky, we’ll all grow old and perhaps the question isn’t only:

Who will be there when I’m old?

Maybe the question we should be asking ourselves now is:

Who do I want to build the memories with that we’ll talk about when we get there?

I don’t need somebody to complete my life.

My life is already full.

But I’ve finally realised… I’d quite like somebody to share it with.

Maybe I’ve spent long enough telling myself I’m too busy for love, because the truth is, life isn’t waiting for any of us to become less busy.

It’s happening now and I don’t want to miss it….

Trust Me, I Want To… So Why Can’t I?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Surviving the past is one thing. Learning to believe you’re safe enough to love again is something else entirely.

There is a question I hear more than almost any other.

“I want a relationship. I really do. So why, every time someone gets close, do I panic?”

It’s one of the cruellest contradictions trauma leaves behind. Your heart wants connection, Your nervous system wants escape.

One is dreaming about Sunday mornings, shared coffees and someone who feels like home. The other is quietly checking where the exits are.

If you’ve ever found yourself pulling away from someone you genuinely liked, overthinking a text message until it became a twelve episode psychological thriller, or feeling strangely calmer with someone emotionally unavailable than with someone consistently kind, you’re not losing your mind.

You’re experiencing what happens when survival becomes stronger than intention. Trauma doesn’t just change what happened to us, it changes what we expect to happen next.

And that’s a very different thing.

For many people, trust isn’t simply about believing another person won’t cheat or lie. Trust is something much deeper. It is the feeling that if you allow someone close enough to matter, your world won’t collapse if they leave.

That changes everything.

Because suddenly relationships stop being about romance and become about survival.Trauma has a habit of turning up on first dates uninvited. It sits quietly between the bread basket and the drinks menu, whispering things like,“Don’t get too comfortable.” Or, “They’re going to leave eventually.” 

Or my personal favourite, “This is going suspiciously well…”

Dating apps certainly don’t help, I think we all know my view on those… 

Sometimes they feel less like places to find love and more like interviewing strangers for a job nobody seems qualified for.

“Tell me about yourself.”

“I enjoy travelling.”

“So does literally everyone.”

“I love dogs.”

“Congratulations. You’re human.”

We laugh because it’s true, we like the same song, and suddenly, we start fucking thinking we’ve met our soul mate. 

But underneath the humour sits something much heavier.

Many people aren’t simply trying to find a partner.They’re trying to answer a question their nervous system has been asking for years.

Am I finally safe?

The Invisible Suitcase

Imagine every relationship you’ve ever experienced has packed something into an invisible suitcase.

Parents.

Teachers.

Partners.

Friends.

Bullies.

The person who promised forever before disappearing without explanation.

The person who made you feel invisible.

The person who loved you beautifully.

The person who taught you that love came with conditions.

By the time we meet someone new, we rarely arrive carrying just ourselves.

We arrive carrying memories, expectations, beliefs and survival strategies.

Some of those are wonderful, Others are incredibly heavy.

If you’ve experienced childhood abuse, neglect, domestic abuse, coercive control, betrayal or significant emotional trauma, your suitcase may contain something else entirely.

Hypervigilance, Self doubt, People pleasing.

The belief that love has to be earned, The expectation that happiness never lasts, not because they’re true.

Because once upon a time, they kept you safe.

One of the biggest misunderstandings about trauma is that people think it’s purely about memory.

It isn’t.

As trauma psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk explains, trauma is carried not only in our thoughts, but in our bodies. Even long after danger has passed, our nervous system may continue responding as though the threat is still present.

That’s why someone can logically know they’re safe while simultaneously feeling terrified, and consequently avoidance can happen.

Their body hasn’t received the memo.

When Your Smoke Alarm Becomes Overprotective

Imagine installing the world’s most sensitive smoke alarm.  It doesn’t just go off when there’s a fire. It screams because someone made toast or lit a candle or looked vaguely enthusiastic near the kitchen.

Ridiculous?

Perhaps.

Unless you’re a nervous system.

Trauma often creates an alarm system that becomes brilliantly efficient at spotting possible danger. The difficulty is that it becomes equally brilliant at spotting danger where there isn’t any.

A delayed text message, A slightly different tone of voice, Someone asking for space, A cancelled plan.

To another person, these are everyday experiences.

To a traumatised nervous system, they can feel like the opening scenes of abandonment. Your brain isn’t trying to ruin your relationships. It’s trying to prevent history repeating itself. That’s a very important distinction.

Trauma doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your brain adapted to survive. Once that clicks, something extraordinary begins to happen.

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?”

You begin asking,

“What happened that taught my brain this was necessary?”

That single question replaces shame with curiosity.

And curiosity is where healing begins.

Why Safety Matters More Than Trust

People often say trauma survivors have trust issues. I’d gently challenge that, because many survivors don’t actually struggle to trust. Quite often, they trust words, Potential, Hope, Promises, Future plans.

The version of someone they believe could exist if everything worked out.

Sometimes they trust far too easily.

The real difficulty isn’t trusting other people. It’s trusting themselves to leave when someone’s behaviour consistently tells them they should.

That feels very different.

Because if childhood taught you that love required endurance…

If previous relationships taught you that chaos was normal…

If your self-worth became tangled up in proving your value…

Walking away doesn’t necessarily feel empowering.. It feels terrifying.

Sometimes staying feels safer simply because it’s familiar, Not because it’s healthy. One of the saddest realities of trauma is that our definition of “normal” can become completely distorted. Healthy can feel unfamiliar.

And unfamiliar often feels unsafe.

Which brings us to one of the greatest ironies in relationships.

Healthy relationships can initially feel boring when your nervous system has been trained to expect chaos. Not because they’re lacking passion but because they’re lacking panic.

Those are two very different experiences.

Attachment: Our First Blueprint For Love

Long before we downloaded dating apps or debated whether replying after seventeen minutes looked too keen, our brains had already started forming expectations about relationships.

Psychologist John Bowlby proposed that our earliest relationships with caregivers become internal blueprints for how we understand connection.

Later, Mary Ainsworth’s research showed that children develop different attachment styles depending on how consistently safe, responsive and emotionally available their caregivers are.

This isn’t about blaming parents.

Life is rarely that simple.

Parents have histories, Stress, Mental health struggles and trauma of their own.

Most were doing the best they could with what they had. However our nervous systems don’t record intentions.

They record experiences.

If your emotional needs were generally met, your brain learned that relationships are safe places to return to.

If care was inconsistent, unpredictable or frightening, your brain learned something very different.

Love became uncertain.

Conditional.

Something that might disappear without warning.

Those lessons don’t stay in childhood. They quietly climb into adult relationships too.

When Love Feels Like An Exam You Keep Failing

People with anxious attachment are often described as “needy.”

I dislike that word.

Most aren’t asking for too much. They’re asking for reassurance because somewhere along the line reassurance became unpredictable.

If love was inconsistent growing up, uncertainty can feel unbearable.

Texts become evidence.

Silence becomes danger.

Distance becomes rejection.

Their nervous system isn’t saying,

“I need constant attention.”

It’s saying,

“Please don’t disappear.”

That’s a very human response when you’ve experienced emotional inconsistency. In todays society, people are so distracted, that sometimes they forget to deliver the basics of consistency, and this delivers as ‘Low Level’ – Deep down we’re all searching for that “Good Morning” or “Good night” message, but people become to preoccupied, and when the basics are asked of them, become overwhelmed, and presume their other half as we said ‘needy’, when deep down, equal effort, can keep both partners settled and content.

Then we have avoidant attachment.

This is perhaps one of the most misunderstood attachment styles of all. Avoidant people are often portrayed as cold or commitment phobic villains who simply don’t care.

Reality is usually much more compassionate. Many learned very early that depending on other people wasn’t safe. Maybe emotions were dismissed. Maybe vulnerability wasn’t welcomed. Maybe independence became survival.

So rather than clinging when relationships become emotionally intense, they unconsciously create distance.

Not because connection doesn’t matter, Because it matters so much that losing it feels unbearable.

Different survival strategy, Same frightened nervous system underneath.

Neither style is “better.”

Neither makes someone bad.

Both are adaptations.

Both deserve compassion.

And both can heal… but taking the time to recognise and truly see the patterns in their behaviours 

The Body Keeps The Score… Even On Date Night

One of the biggest breakthroughs in trauma research has been recognising that healing isn’t simply about changing our thoughts.

It’s also about calming our bodies.

Psychiatrist Judith Herman described recovery as moving through stages of safety, remembrance and reconnection.

Notice the order.

Safety comes first.

Not forgiveness.

Not dating.

Not positive thinking.

Safety.

Because without safety, the nervous system cannot fully relax.

This is why two people can hear exactly the same sentence.

One hears,

“Can we talk later?”

The other hears,

“They’re about to leave me.”

Same words.

Entirely different nervous system.

Our brains constantly predict what comes next based on previous experience. If previous experience included fear, criticism or abandonment, today’s relationships often become filtered through yesterday’s pain.

That doesn’t mean those fears are silly, it means they once served a purpose.

Healing isn’t about pretending those alarm bells don’t exist.

It’s about teaching the nervous system that they don’t need to ring every single time someone gets close and that takes patience.

Not perfection.

It also takes self-compassion, something many trauma survivors generously give everyone else while quietly forgetting themselves.

Perhaps that’s the first place healing really begins, Not with finding the perfect relationship but with becoming the safest relationship you’ve ever had with yourself.

One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is learning to pause before reacting. Not because our feelings are wrong.

But because our feelings aren’t always describing the present. Sometimes they’re describing the past.

That distinction can transform relationships.

When Every “Maybe” Feels Like “No”

If you’ve ever spent an entire evening analysing a full stop at the end of a text message, welcome to the wonderfully exhausting world of rejection sensitivity.

Someone replies a little later than usual, Your brain writes a novel. They seem quieter after work.

Your mind has already planned the break up, divided the furniture and chosen your post heartbreak playlist.

Sound familiar?

For many trauma survivors, rejection isn’t simply disappointing.

It feels dangerous.

Psychologist Gabor Maté has written extensively about how our need for attachment is one of our deepest human drives. As children, maintaining connection with our caregivers is essential for survival. If those relationships are inconsistent, frightening or emotionally unavailable, our brains learn to monitor them constantly.

That hyperawareness doesn’t magically disappear when we become adults.

It simply changes clothes.

Instead of scanning our parents’ moods, we scan our partner’s texts. Instead of wondering whether we’ll be comforted, we wonder whether they’ll reply.

The behaviour changes.

The survival strategy doesn’t.

Understanding this isn’t about excusing unhealthy behaviour.

It’s about recognising that behind many reactions is a frightened nervous system trying desperately to prevent old wounds from opening again.

Chemistry Isn’t Always Compatibility

Here’s something that often surprises people.

The strongest spark isn’t necessarily the healthiest relationship.

We’ve all heard someone say,

“I’ve never felt chemistry like this before.”

Sometimes that’s wonderful. Sometimes it’s your nervous system recognising something familiar and familiar doesn’t always mean safe.

If chaos was normal growing up, calm can initially feel unsettling.

Predictability can feel flat.

Kindness can feel suspicious.

Consistency can almost seem… boring.

Not because healthy love lacks depth.

Because your nervous system has been trained to associate emotional intensity with connection.

The butterflies might not always be butterflies.

Sometimes they’re simply adrenaline. Sometimes they’re uncertainty. Sometimes they’re your smoke alarm shouting,

“This feels familiar!”

Unfortunately, it doesn’t always specify whether familiar is healthy or harmful.

One coaching question I often encourage people to sit with is this:

Do I actually like this person, or do I simply like being chosen?

It’s an uncomfortable question.

But an important one.

Because validation can sometimes disguise itself as love.

Another worth reflecting on is:

Am I chasing love, or am I chasing rescue?

If we’re honest, many of us have spent years hoping another person would finally heal wounds that were never theirs to carry.

Love can support healing.

It cannot replace it and perhaps the hardest question of all:

Would I still choose this relationship if I wasn’t afraid of being alone?

Sit with that one.

Don’t rush it.

The answer often tells you everything you need to know.

When Anxiety Borrows Intuition’s Clothes

People often tell me,

“I knew something was wrong. I just ignored my intuition.”

Sometimes that’s true. Sometimes it isn’t.

One of the most important parts of healing is learning the difference between intuition and anxiety, because they feel remarkably similar until you know what you’re looking for.

Intuition tends to arrive quietly.

It doesn’t usually shout.

It doesn’t catastrophise.

It doesn’t demand an immediate decision.

It simply knows.

Anxiety is much louder.

It searches for evidence.

It creates endless what ifs.

It desperately wants certainty in situations where certainty simply doesn’t exist.

As I often say,

Sometimes it’s anxiety carrying a fake Louis Vuitton pretending to be intuition.

It makes me smile every time because it’s surprisingly accurate.

Anxiety can become an exceptional actor.

The challenge is learning not to hand it the lead role in every relationship.

Instead of asking, “How do I stop feeling anxious?” Try asking, “What evidence do I actually have today?”

Bring yourself back to facts, not fears, because trauma predicts.

Healing observes.

Learning To Feel Safe With Intimacy

People often assume survivors struggle because they can’t love. In reality, many struggle because their nervous system has never truly believed love is safe.

There’s a huge difference. Love requires vulnerability. Vulnerability requires safety and safety isn’t created by words.

It’s created through repeated experience.

Someone saying, “You can trust me,” means very little.

Someone consistently showing up, respecting your boundaries, repairing conflict, apologising when they’re wrong and remaining emotionally available…

That’s what teaches the nervous system something new. This is especially true when it comes to sex and intimacy. For some people, physical closeness feels natural. For others, it can activate memories they didn’t even realise their body was holding.

For some survivors of sexual abuse, the greatest challenge isn’t having sex. It’s staying emotionally present during it.

Many describe learning, often from a very young age, to mentally disconnect from what was happening as a way of surviving. Dissociation isn’t a choice. It’s an extraordinary protective response that allows the mind to distance itself from overwhelming experiences when there is no other escape.

The difficulty is that our nervous system doesn’t always recognise when the danger has passed. Years later, during consensual, loving intimacy, that same survival strategy can quietly reappear. Someone may find themselves physically present but emotionally absent, almost as though they’re watching the moment rather than truly living it. It can feel as if they slip into another version of themselves, one created to survive rather than to connect.

Ironically, the safest relationships can sometimes feel the most emotionally exposing. Not because the survivor doesn’t want intimacy, but because they do. Being fully seen by someone you genuinely care about requires a level of vulnerability that a traumatised nervous system may never have learned was safe. Remaining present, allowing yourself to be emotionally and physically connected, can take enormous courage.

This is one reason why some survivors find casual sex or sex work unexpectedly easier than deeply intimate sex. It isn’t necessarily about desire or commitment. Emotional investment changes the experience entirely. When there is little emotional attachment, the nervous system may feel less at risk. But when love enters the equation, so too can the fear of being truly vulnerable.

Many survivors also describe experiencing intimacy in two very different ways. There can be sex that feels emotionally disconnected, where the body is present but the heart and mind remains protected. Then there is deeply connected intimacy, where emotional closeness and physical closeness exist together. The contrast between those experiences can feel profound, and confusing, until we understand that both are shaped by the nervous system’s attempt to keep us safe.

There is nothing shameful about these responses. They are not signs that someone is incapable of love or healthy intimacy. They are evidence of a brain and body that adapted in remarkable ways to survive circumstances no one should ever have had to endure and, like so many survival strategies, with safety, patience and the right support, they can begin to soften.

Trauma isn’t only remembered consciously.

Sometimes the body remembers long before the mind catches up.

That can leave survivors feeling confused.

“Why did I suddenly panic?”

“Why do I freeze?”

“Why do I shut down when nothing bad is happening?”

Again, there is a reason.

Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn.

These aren’t personality flaws. They’re survival responses.

Fight protects through confrontation. Flight protects through escape. Freeze protects by becoming still. Fawn protects through pleasing others, often by ignoring our own needs.

Every one of these responses once served a purpose. Healing isn’t about judging them. Healing isn’t about becoming someone different.

It’s about recognising the survival strategies that no longer serve you. When we understand that, shame begins to loosen its grip.

Grieving The Future That Never Happened

One of the most painful parts of heartbreak isn’t always losing the person.

It’s losing the future you imagined with them. The Sunday mornings. The holidays. The family Christmases. The conversations that never happened. The version of life you had quietly built in your mind. Sometimes we aren’t grieving reality. We’re grieving possibility.

That’s why endings can feel so confusing.

We tell ourselves,

“I miss them.”

Sometimes what we actually miss is who we hoped they would become.

There’s a profound difference. That doesn’t make your grief any less real. If anything, it explains why it hurts so much. You’re mourning dreams as well as memories. Allow yourself to grieve both.

Just don’t confuse potential with evidence.

Hope is beautiful, but healthy relationships are built on patterns, not promises.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

Healing is often portrayed as a dramatic breakthrough.

One life changing moment, One perfect therapy session, One inspirational quote.

The truth is usually much quieter.

Healing is replying honestly instead of pretending you’re fine.

It’s recognising a red flag before explaining it away.

It’s choosing peace over unpredictability.

It’s noticing your body becoming anxious and offering yourself compassion instead of criticism.

It’s learning to apologise without believing you’re fundamentally unlovable.

It’s discovering that boundaries aren’t walls.

They’re doors with locks.

The right people knock…They don’t force their way in.

Healing is slowly teaching your nervous system that not everyone who gets close is going to hurt you. That lesson isn’t learned through thinking.

It’s learned through experience.

One safe conversation.

One respectful disagreement.

One healthy relationship.

One repaired rupture.

Over and over again.

Until your body finally believes what your mind has been trying to tell it.

Forgiveness Isn’t A Deadline

Let’s talk about forgiveness, because I think we’ve complicated it far more than necessary.

Forgiveness is deeply personal, It isn’t a competition, It isn’t proof of healing and it certainly isn’t something anybody else gets to demand from you.

Some people find freedom through forgiveness, Others find freedom through acceptance. Some never forgive at all, yet still build beautiful, peaceful lives.

All are valid.

Healing doesn’t require pretending something didn’t hurt. Nor does it require reconciling with people who continue to harm you.

Sometimes forgiveness is simply releasing the hope that the past could have been different.

Sometimes it’s choosing not to carry someone else’s behaviour into every future relationship.

And sometimes it’s quietly saying,

“What happened mattered. It changed me. But it doesn’t get to define the rest of my life.”

That, to me, is extraordinary courage.

From Surviving To Living

If you’ve recognised yourself anywhere in these words, I hope you take one thing away.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Your nervous system has spent years doing exactly what it was designed to do.

Protect you.

The difficulty is that protection and connection don’t always speak the same language.

One says,“Stay back.” The other whispers,“Come closer.”

Healing is learning to let those two parts of yourself have a conversation instead of a battle.It’s understanding that your smoke alarm doesn’t need to sound every time someone walks into the room.

It’s unpacking that invisible suitcase, one belief at a time, and asking,

“Do I still need to carry this?”

Sometimes the answer will be yes, Sometimes it will be no.

Both are okay, because healing isn’t linear.

You’ll have days where you feel calm, secure and hopeful.

You’ll have other days where an unanswered message convinces you the world is ending.

Progress isn’t never becoming triggered again.

Progress is recognising the trigger sooner, responding with greater kindness and returning to yourself more quickly.

That’s growth…Real growth.

You are not too much….You are not difficult to love.

You are not destined to repeat every painful chapter you’ve lived through.

The fact you’re reading this tells me something important…A part of you already believes life can be different.

Hold on to that part.

Feed it.

Protect it.

Because the opposite of trauma isn’t perfection.

It’s safety.

It’s connection.

It’s waking up one day and realising that love no longer feels like something you have to earn. It simply feels like somewhere you belong. Perhaps that’s what healing really is.

Not forgetting the past.

Not pretending it never happened.

But gently teaching your mind, your body and your heart that the danger has passed.

That the alarm can finally grow quieter.

That the person you’ve spent your whole life trying to become…

Was never broken in the first place.

Just brilliantly adapted.

And now, finally, free to do something far more beautiful than survive.

To Live and Love

The Stories We Never Knew We Were Telling Ourselves: How Unconscious Bias Shapes Our Careers, Relationships and Happiness

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

“The biggest barriers in our lives are often the ones we cannot see.”

Most of us like to believe we’re open minded.

We believe we judge people fairly. We tell ourselves we make decisions based on facts, personality and experience. We assume our opinions are our own.

But what if many of our decisions are being influenced by something we’ve never consciously questioned?

This is known as unconscious bias.

Unconscious bias refers to the automatic assumptions, beliefs and mental shortcuts our brains develop over time. These patterns are influenced by childhood experiences, family, culture, education, previous relationships, social media, television and even the conversations we overhear growing up.

They help our brains process information quickly, but they can also lead us to make unfair judgements without realising we’re doing it.

The truth is, every single one of us has unconscious biases. The difference isn’t whether we have them. It’s whether we’re willing to become aware of the,.

The Brain Likes Shortcuts

Imagine meeting someone for the first time. Within seconds you’ve already noticed their appearance, clothing, body language, accent, age and confidence. Your brain has begun creating a story before they’ve even finished introducing themselves.

Sometimes those stories are accurate, however quite often they aren’t.

The human brain is designed to look for patterns because it keeps us safe. Thousands of years ago this was useful for survival. Today, those same shortcuts can influence promotions at work, dating choices, friendships and even how we treat ourselves.

A prime example lies in meeting someone who looks like an ex partner who perhaps deceived our trust, we can meet someone with a resemblance, and before we know it, we are disregarding them without realising.

Unconscious Bias at Work

Think about a typical workplace. A manager interviews two candidates with identical qualifications. One reminds them of someone they worked well with years ago.

The other has a different communication style, dresses differently or appears quieter.

Without intending to, the manager may naturally feel more comfortable with the first candidate. Neither decision feels biased.

It simply feels like instinct.

But instinct is often influenced by previous experiences rather than objective evidence.

Unconscious bias can affect who gets hired, who receives opportunities, who gets promoted and who is viewed as having leadership potential. It can also affect how feedback is given.

Confident people may be described as natural leaders.

Quiet people may be labelled disengaged.

Someone who thinks differently may be seen as difficult rather than innovative.

This is especially important when we consider neurodiversity. Many people with ADHD, autism or dyslexia communicate differently. They may process information differently, avoid eye contact, interrupt through excitement or need additional thinking time.

These differences are not character flaws.

Yet unconscious bias can lead others to misinterpret these behaviours as lack of interest, poor attitude or incompetence. When organisations become aware of unconscious bias, they often discover hidden talent that was overlooked simply because it didn’t fit traditional expectations.

It Doesn’t Stop at the Office Door.. Look at our love lives…

The same thing happens in our love lives. How often have we dismissed someone because they weren’t physically our usual type?

How often have we assumed someone wasn’t interested because they appeared quiet?

How often have we believed confidence equals emotional maturity?

Or assumed attractive people must be happier?

Perhaps you’ve met someone who looked perfect on paper. Successful career, Great appearance, Confident, Funny,

Yet emotionally unavailable.

Meanwhile someone else may have been overlooked because they were nervous on a first date, shy in conversation or didn’t immediately create fireworks. Our unconscious bias often creates a checklist of what love should look like.

Height.

Career.

Income.

Age.

Body type.

Social status.

Confidence.

Lifestyle.

But very few of those things predict whether someone will make us feel emotionally safe, respected or loved. Sometimes we reject wonderful people because they don’t match the picture we’ve created in our minds, or we are comparing them and instantly our mind tells us ‘Unsafe’.

Sometimes we chase people who repeatedly hurt us and reject those who could love us deeply, because of their jobs weight etc etc..

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Bias isn’t only about how we judge others. It’s also about how we judge ourselves.

Many people carry beliefs they never chose.

“I’m too old.”

“I’m too much.”

“People always leave.”

“No one finds people like me attractive.”

“I’ll never be successful.”

Those thoughts often feel like facts.

But where did they come from?

A childhood experience?

An ex partner?

A teacher?

A parent?

A single painful rejection years ago?

Our brains are incredibly good at collecting evidence to support beliefs we’ve carried for years. We rarely stop to question whether those beliefs are actually true.

Why Coaching Matters

This is one of the reasons I believe coaching can be so powerful. Coaching isn’t about giving people the answers. It’s about helping them discover the questions they’ve never thought to ask.

Why do I always choose emotionally unavailable partners?

Why do I keep avoiding opportunities at work?

Why do I assume people won’t like me?

Why do I believe I’m not good enough?

Why do I keep repeating the same patterns?

Why do I shut down when someone I’m genuinely interested in comes into my orbit?

Many of the answers lie beneath conscious awareness.

A coach helps bring those hidden patterns into the light.

Not through judgement, but through curiosity.

Together you begin noticing the automatic thoughts that influence behaviour. You explore where those thoughts originated. You test whether they’re still serving you and gradually you begin replacing automatic assumptions with conscious choices.

Looking Beyond Behaviour

One of the biggest shifts coaching creates is helping people separate behaviour from identity.

Someone interrupting you may not be rude. They may simply process conversations differently. This happens a lot with Neuro Diverse people.

Someone cancelling plans may not be rejecting you. They may genuinely be overwhelmed.

Someone who seems quiet in meetings may have brilliant ideas but need more time to think.

Equally, someone who appears incredibly confident may actually be masking insecurity.

The more curious we become, the fewer assumptions we make.

Curiosity almost always creates stronger relationships than certainty.

Flawed Thinking Isn’t Failure

One of the most common things coaching uncovers is flawed thinking. Psychologists often refer to these as cognitive distortions. These include believing we know what others are thinking.

Expecting the worst outcome.

Overgeneralising from one experience.

Seeing situations in black and white.

Filtering out positive experiences while focusing only on negatives.

These thinking patterns quietly influence both our personal and professional lives.

If one relationship ended badly, we may assume every future relationship will.

If one interview went poorly, we may decide we’re not capable.

If one manager criticised us, we may stop applying for promotions altogether.

The event ends.

The belief remains.

Coaching helps challenge those beliefs before they become permanent truths.

Awareness Changes Everything

The goal isn’t perfection. No one can completely eliminate unconscious bias.

We’re human.

Our brains will always create shortcuts.

The goal is awareness. Awareness gives us choice. Instead of immediately believing every thought, we become curious. Instead of reacting automatically, we pause. Instead of assuming we know someone’s story, we ask questions.

That pause can completely change a conversation.

It can save relationships.

It can create more inclusive workplaces.

It can open doors we never realised we’d closed.

Imagine What Could Change

Imagine interviewing someone without letting first impressions dominate your decision.

Imagine going on a date with genuine curiosity rather than comparing them with every previous partner.

Imagine recognising when your inner critic is speaking instead of accepting every thought as fact.

Imagine leading a team where different ways of thinking are valued rather than judged.

Imagine choosing people based on emotional compatibility instead of a checklist.

Imagine not judging people on. decisions they’ve made for their lives, just because they don’t match up to your values.

Those small shifts have enormous consequences.

Not only for careers and relationships, but for confidence, wellbeing and happiness.

Final Thoughts

Some of the most important conversations we’ll ever have are the ones we have with ourselves.

Every assumption deserves to be questioned.

Every belief deserves to be explored.

Every pattern deserves our curiosity.

Because when we become aware of our unconscious biases, we don’t just change the way we see other people.

We change the way we see ourselves and that may be the most powerful transformation of all.

If you’ve ever found yourself repeating the same relationship patterns, doubting your own potential or wondering why certain situations keep playing out in your life, coaching offers a space to explore those patterns without judgement. Together, we can uncover the beliefs driving your decisions, challenge thinking that no longer serves you and help you make choices that are aligned with who you are today, rather than who your past taught you to be.

Sometimes, changing your life doesn’t begin with changing your circumstances.

It begins with changing the story you’ve been unconsciously telling yourself.

Title: The “Minus 3, Plus 3” Dating Rule: Why Staying Within Your Age Range Leads to Better Relationships

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In a world where dating apps expand your options endlessly and social media blurs generational lines, it’s easy to believe that age is “just a number.” However in reality, age often reflects something deeper, life stage, emotional maturity, priorities, and shared experiences. That’s where the “minus 3, plus 3” dating rule comes in.

This rule is simple: date people within three years younger or older than you. While it may sound restrictive at first, it’s actually a powerful guideline for building healthier, more compatible relationships.

Let’s break down why this approach works and why straying too far outside your age range can lead to frustration, imbalance, or emotional disconnect.. and can we just be clear? Just because a person can appear younger, crave to be younger and believe in their own heads they are younger… they are not! Remember that!

What Is the Minus 3, Plus 3 Rule?

The minus 3, plus 3 rule suggests that your ideal dating pool lies within a six-year window—three years younger to three years older than you.

For example:

  • If you’re 30, your ideal range would be 27–33
  • If you’re 25, your ideal range would be 22–28

This isn’t about limiting your options, it’s about increasing your chances of finding someone aligned with you.

Why Age Range Matters More Than We Think

Age isn’t just about numbers; it’s about timing.

People within a similar age bracket are more likely to:

  • Be in comparable life stages
  • Share cultural references and experiences
  • Have aligned priorities (career, relationships, family goals)
  • Match in emotional development

When these elements align, relationships feel more natural and less forced.

The Reality of Dating Outside Your Age Range

Many people who date significantly older or younger partners report similar patterns:

1. Dating Much Older: The “Parental Dynamic”
You may find yourself with someone who feels more like a mentor or even a parental figure—than a partner. This can create:

  • Power imbalances
  • Differences in lifestyle pace
  • Misaligned expectations about the future

Instead of growing together, one person often leads while the other follows.

2. Dating Much Younger: The “Emotional Gap”
On the flip side, dating someone significantly younger can come with its own challenges:

  • Emotional immaturity
  • Different communication styles
  • A focus on validation, attention, or social status

You may feel like you’ve outgrown behaviors they’re still navigating.

The Science Behind Age Compatibility

Research consistently shows that couples with smaller age gaps tend to have stronger, longer-lasting relationships.

  • A study from Emory University found that couples with a 1-year age difference had a 3% chance of divorce, while those with a 5-year gap saw that risk jump to 18%, and 10-year gaps increased it to 39%.
  • Relationship satisfaction tends to decline as age gaps widen, largely due to differences in priorities and life timing.

While exceptions exist, the trend is clear: similar ages often mean similar expectations and that’s key for stability.

Shared Life Stages = Stronger Connection

Being in the same life stage makes a huge difference in how a relationship functions.

Think about:

  • Career growth vs. career stability
  • Wanting to go out vs. preferring quiet nights
  • Building a future vs. figuring yourself out

When both people are navigating similar phases, there’s less friction and more understanding.

Emotional Maturity Isn’t Just About Age, But It’s Linked

While emotional maturity varies from person to person, age often plays a role in shaping it.

Within a close age range:

  • Communication styles are more aligned
  • Conflict resolution tends to be healthier
  • Expectations around commitment are clearer

When there’s a large gap, one partner may feel like they’re “carrying” the emotional weight of the relationship.

The Social and Cultural Factor

Shared references matter more than we realise.

From music and trends to technology and social norms, people in the same age group often:

  • Understand each other’s humour
  • Share similar formative experiences
  • Relate to each other’s perspectives more easily

These small connections build a strong foundation over time.

When You Ignore the Rule: What Often Happens

Stepping outside the minus 3, plus 3 range doesn’t always fail, but it often introduces avoidable challenges.

You might encounter:

  • Misaligned goals (settling down vs. still exploring)
  • Differences in emotional availability
  • Conflicting views on lifestyle and priorities

Over time, these gaps can become harder to bridge.

Why the Rule Supports Dating Success

The minus 3, plus 3 rule isn’t about limiting love, it’s about increasing compatibility.

It helps you:

  • Avoid mismatched expectations
  • Build relationships on equal footing
  • Create deeper emotional connection
  • Reduce long-term conflict

Ultimately, it sets you up for a partnership where both people grow together—not apart.

Final Thoughts

Dating within your age range doesn’t guarantee success, but it significantly improves your odds.

When you choose someone close to your age, you’re more likely to find:

  • Shared values
  • Similar life direction
  • Emotional alignment

And those are the foundations of a relationship that actually lasts, however from my own. experiences of dating outside this bracket, esp older men, they can’t stand the thought of getting older, so will mirror you, your interests and play the young at heart card! However darling, chasing validation on Instagram, doesn’t mean you aren’t nearly hitting 50! Beware of the mirror men hey!

If your past experiences have shown you the extremes, partners who feel too far ahead or too far behind, the minus 3, plus 3 rule offers a grounded, realistic approach to finding balance.

Because at the end of the day, the goal isn’t just attraction, it’s compatibility, stability, and mutual growth, and deep down security. An older man chasing a much younger woman, shows insecurity and vulnerability on their behalf, most of the time leading to discard, cheating and avoidance. It’s a boost to their ego, and deep down now, if I had to choose to date out of that bracket, it would be younger.. younger men aren’t chasing youth… (Yet)!!!

However do not let this post put you off, many successful relationships still work, but then there are some men who are just rare and at whatever age hold the capacity to love.

When Love Has Nowhere to Go. What happens when you fall for an Avoidant

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There is a particular kind of heartbreak that doesn’t explode, it dissolves.

No dramatic betrayal, no obvious cruelty. no moment you can point to and say, “That’s when everything broke.”

Just love, slowly, quietly, with nowhere to land.

Loving someone with an avoidant attachment style often feels like pouring warmth into a room with no walls. Nothing visibly rejects you, nothing violently pushes you away and yet, somehow, everything disappears.

Not because the love wasn’t real.

Simply because it could not be received.

When Everything Feels Aligned

It often begins with something that feels rare, connection that feels effortless, conversations that stretch late into the night, laughter that feels easy, natural, unforced. Moments of closeness that feel deeply mutual. There is chemistry, there is emotional resonance. There is, at least for a time, a sense of alignment, the most beautiful alignment.

You don’t feel like you’re forcing something.

You don’t feel like you’re chasing.

It feels like something unfolding, a beautiful foundation being built with two human beings falling for each other.. and this is what makes it so confusing later, because nothing about the beginning feels incompatible. In fact, it often feels unusually right, perfectly right, and most of the time it is right…or at least could of been..

However, attachment dynamics don’t always reveal themselves at the start, because avoidant individuals can connect, in the beginning.

They can feel deeply.

They can even fall in love.

What they struggle with is not feeling, but staying.

Love vs. Fear: A Different Internal Reality

For the person who loves, closeness feels like safety, yet for the avoidant, closeness often feels like danger.

This isn’t a metaphor. It’s neurological. It’s sadly fact, and a fact even the avoidant themselves isn’t aware of.

Research in attachment theory shows that individuals with avoidant attachment styles frequently experience intimacy as a threat to autonomy. Emotional closeness activates the same stress responses that others might associate with loss of control, engulfment, or vulnerability.

Where one person feels warmth, the other may feel:

  • Pressure
  • Anxiety
  • A loss of space
  • A subtle sense of being trapped
  • A rising need to pull away
  • A feeling that the situation, relationship or partner isn’t right for them.

Nothing externally catastrophic needs to happen, no huge row… simply their body and mind, starts to reek havoc, slowly but surely, and they start to believe that they’re feeling this because the relationship or partner is wrong, they physically feel a build of anxiety, which leads to rumination, over thinking and panic, and the feeling of feeling overwhelmed, must be somebody else’s fault, because they don’t understand this is their own mental health, and any level of accountability means, it’s their fault, this over riding sense of anxiety, sickness, sleepless nights, lead to them saying ‘this isn’t right’… but please note, you could be a 10/10partner, but their mind will convince them you’re not right, and this is their own fear.

The relationship itself becomes the trigger, not because the love is wrong, but because the deeper the love and intimacy activates deeply wired protective strategies formed long before the relationship began. This is why most avoidants can only survive in relationships that are surface or fantasy based only.

The Tragedy of Misaligned Meanings

This is where the quiet sadness lives.

Two people experiencing the same relationship, but inhabiting entirely different emotional realities.

The loving partner experiences:

  • Growing closeness
  • Deepening attachment
  • Emotional investment
  • Hope
  • A desire for more connection
  • Love
  • Safety

The avoidant partner experiences:

  • Increasing discomfort because the feeling of love = anxiety
  • A need for distance to avoid accountability, and to feel safe
  • Emotional overwhelm, to the point it leads to both mental and physiological break down
  • A sense of losing independence, not being heard
  • Fear disguised as detachment

The same moments that feel like bonding to one person who has emotional capacity and maturity, but may feel like suffocation to the other.

No one is intentionally cruel, no one is consciously sabotaging.

And yet, damage happens anyway, because one of the parties didn’t realise what they we’re feeling was love…

When Love Becomes Something to Escape

As intimacy deepens, the avoidant nervous system often shifts into protection mode.

Common patterns begin to appear:

  • Emotional withdrawal
  • Subtle distancing
  • Reduced communication
  • Increased focus on flaws
  • Sudden doubts about compatibility
  • A vague sense that “something feels off”

Psychologists sometimes call this deactivation, the unconscious process by which avoidant individuals reduce attachment intensity when closeness becomes uncomfortable.

Love doesn’t disappear, access to it does.

To the loving partner, it feels like confusion:

“We were so close — what changed?”

To the avoidant partner, it feels like necessity:

“I just need space.”

The Ache of Unspent Love

For the one who loves, this is where grief becomes complicated, Because the love is still there, still alive, still willing. still reaching.

But with nowhere to go.

Love needs reception, Love needs reciprocity, Love needs emotional availability.

Without those, love doesn’t vanish, it lingers.

As longing, as rumination, as the painful question: “If it felt so real, why couldn’t it survive?”. There is a particular sorrow in loving someone who could not fully accept what you offered. Not because you were too much, but because they could not stay open.

The Avoidant’s Invisible Sadness

Yet there is another side to this story that often goes unseen, Avoidant individuals are not emotionless. They are not incapable of love. They are not immune to loss. Their pain simply looks different.

Avoidant attachment is rooted in early experiences where emotional needs were discouraged, ignored, or inconsistently met. Over time, self-reliance becomes safety, Vulnerability becomes risk, Distance becomes regulation.

Many avoidant individuals genuinely care, but experience closeness as dys-regulating. The push-pull dynamic is not calculated; it is protective.

And after withdrawal, they often feel:

  • Relief mixed with guilt
  • Confusion about their own reactions
  • Lingering affection they struggle to express
  • A familiar return to emotional isolation

The tragedy is not that they do not feel, The tragedy is that their fear consistently outruns their capacity for connection. The sad tragedy lies in, this will be their life, unless they learn, invest in therapy, and start to realise, kindness and empathy for others they cause paid to is key… a simple Sorry…

Why the Pattern Repeats

One of the most painful realisations for the loving partner is this:

Love alone cannot heal attachment wounds. Avoidant patterns are not situational quirks. They are deeply ingrained strategies for emotional survival.

Without conscious self-awareness and intentional work, the cycle often repeats:

  1. Connection
  2. Growing closeness
  3. Rising discomfort
  4. Withdrawal
  5. Distance
  6. Reset
  7. Repeat

Not because the partners are wrong, but because the underlying system remains unchanged.

The Cruel Irony of Compatibility

Perhaps the saddest truth of all, You can be deeply compatible with someone, and still be unable to build a stable relationship.

Shared values, Shared humour, Shared affection, Shared dreams, shared chemistry, intense attraction….

All of it can exist.

But if one nervous system experiences love as safety, and the other experiences love as threat, alignment at the surface cannot overcome misalignment at the core, until the avoidant does the serious work needed on themselves.

When Love Isn’t Wasted – Just Unreceived

It is tempting to call this wasted love, but love is never truly wasted.

Love given sincerely is evidence of capacity, not failure.

The ability to love deeply, openly, vulnerably is not something that diminishes because it was not reciprocated. It remains a reflection of emotional strength, a person with emotional maturity but mostly, capacity, you understand the real meaning of love…

The heartbreak lies not in loving the wrong person, but in loving someone who could not remain present inside the love you shared.

A Sadness Without Villains

This kind of story rarely has villains.

Just two people:

One reaching for closeness.

One retreating toward safety.

Both shaped by histories they did not choose.

Both experiencing pain in ways the other struggles to understand.

And love…..caught between longing and fear… it’s there.. it exists…

With nowhere to go.