Category: modern dating culture

The Girl Who

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

1 am Kerry.

The girl who was never really seen.

The girl who learned to read a room before she learned to read a book.

The girl who knew when to be quiet, when to disappear, when to hold her breath and wait for the storm to pass.

The girl who experienced things no child should ever have to live through.

The girl who learned that sometimes the people who should protect you are the people who hurt you.

The girl who grew up too quickly, The girl who learned to cope, to adapt, to make herself small, to survive.

The girl who carried pain that wasn’t hers to carry, and learned to keep going anyway.

The girl who, later in life, found herself in relationships that were unsafe, where love became control,

where kindness could turn to cruelty, and the people she trusted again chose their own needs over her safety.

The girl who learned that home isn’t always a safe place,

and that leaving can be the bravest thing you ever do.

The girl who picked herself up.

The girl who carried herself out.

The girl who learned not to ask for too much, not to need too much, not to expect too much.

The girl who could survive anything.

The girl who turned her pain into purpose.

The girl who fights for every woman to make a stand against those who hurt them.

The girl who believes every woman should be in charge of their own body, their own choices and hold their own agency.

The girl who speaks up when other women are silenced.

The girl who uses her story to support, empower and help other women.

And everyone called her strong.

But nobody knew that strong was simply

what happened when a little girl had no other choice.

Because underneath the woman is still the girl who sometimes wonders

what it might feel like to be someone’s first thought.

The girl who wanted someone to notice when she was tired.

The girl who wanted someone to say,

“You don’t have to be brave today.”

The girl who wanted somewhere safe to put down everything she’s been carrying.

The girl who wanted arms around her that didn’t eventually let go.

The girl who wanted to be loved

without having to be so strong all the time.

The girl who wanted to know what it felt like to be rescued, without having to fall apart first.

She didn’t want saving because she was weak.

She wanted to be held because she had been holding herself for far too long

And now, when I look back at her, I don’t see a girl who was broken.

I see the girl who survived

The girl who kept going even when nobody knew how hard going was.

But perhaps she deserves more than survival.

Perhaps she deserves to know what it feels like when somebody else stays.

When somebody else holds on.

When somebody else looks at her and decides,

“T’ve got you.”

Maybe every girl out there is a girl who doesn’t need rescuing, but needs somebody to notice.

A girl who needs to be loved.

A girl who needs to be held.

A girl who needs someone just to hold out their hand and say, “I’ve got you”

Because in each and every one of us, there is

‘A Girl Who.’

We’ve all overcome things in our lives that have brought us to where we are now.

And maybe, just maybe, we can stop trying to rescue ourselves and not be ashamed to ever ask for help.

Christianity and Sex: What does the Bible really say about Premarital Sex?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

The Christian Sex Debate Nobody Wants to Have

From premarital sex and sexual compatibility to fantasies, fidelity, and whether God really cares what happens in the bedroom.

Try Before You Buy? Does Christian sexual morality still make sense in 2026?

Let’s talk about sex.

More specifically, let’s talk about Christianity and sex.

Because there is something rather fascinating about the relationship between the two.

Christianity has a lot to say about love, marriage, fidelity, temptation, desire, self-control and sexual morality. And yet, for something that is such a fundamental part of being human, sex can still be one of those subjects that Christians find incredibly difficult to talk about openly.

And perhaps that is why I wanted to write this.

Not to attack Christianity, not to tell Christians what they should or shouldn’t believe and certainly not to suggest that there is only one way to be a Christian.

I am a Christian woman myself.

I have been married. I have been divorced. I have experienced love, heartbreak, intimacy and betrayal and as someone who has studied therapy and the psychosexual side of relationships, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what actually makes relationships work.

My own beliefs around sex are fairly simple.

I believe intimacy should mean something, I believe commitment matters, I believe trust matters, I believe kindness matters, I believe consent matters and I believe that when you become intimate with somebody, you are stepping into something that can be incredibly vulnerable for both people.

However, does that necessarily mean we have to wait until a wedding ceremony before we can discover whether we are sexually compatible?

Well, that’s where things get interesting.

Does the Bible actually say you can’t have sex before marriage?

The traditional Christian answer is essentially yes.

Catholic teaching is very clear that sexual intercourse belongs within marriage and that unmarried couples are called to live chastely rather than engaging in sexual relations. The Catechism describes marriage as a complete and lifelong mutual gift and says that sexual intimacy becomes part of that marital commitment. (Vatican⁠)

Many conservative Protestant and evangelical churches hold a similar position, interpreting biblical passages concerning sexual immorality, marriage and the “one flesh” relationship as teaching that sex belongs within marriage.

But there is an important distinction. The Bible doesn’t actually contain a simple sentence saying:

“Thou shalt not have sex before marriage.”

The traditional Christian position is an interpretation drawn from a collection of passages and theological principles. The traditional Christian teaching that sex belongs within marriage come from how a number of biblical passages about sexual immorality, marriage and sexual desire and the ‘One flesh’ relationship have been interpreted together, the traditional conclusion is simply very well established. If we look at examples to help us look deeper..

1. 1 Corinthians 6:18–20 – “Flee from sexual immorality”

This is probably one of the strongest passages for the traditional argument.

Paul says:

“Flee from sexual immorality… honour God with your bodies.”

He then connects sexual union with the “one flesh” language from Genesis 2:24. 

The traditional interpretation is essentially:

Sexual union is not morally neutral. Your body belongs to God, and sexual intimacy creates a profound bodily union, so Christians are called to avoid sexual relationships outside God’s intended framework.

The interesting bit is that Paul doesn’t spell out every prohibited scenario. He uses the broad category sexual immorality, which Christians have subsequently interpreted in different ways.

2. 1 Corinthians 7:2 – marriage as the answer to sexual desire

Paul writes:

“Since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.”

He then discusses mutual sexual responsibilities within marriage. 

The traditional interpretation is fairly obvious:

If sexual desire is difficult to control, marriage provides the appropriate context for sexual intimacy.

That’s one of the passages behind the historic Christian teaching that sex belongs within marriage.

But notice something important for your article: Paul is not writing a modern sex-Ed manual. He’s addressing a particular Christian community with particular questions about sexual behaviour, marriage and celibacy.

So we shouldn’t pretend the verse is more explicit than it actually is.

3. 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7 – “avoid sexual immorality”

This is another major passage.

Paul says:

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality…”

He goes on to talk about controlling one’s body “in a way that is holy and honorable” and not wronging or taking advantage of another person. 

Don’t exploit another person.

That fits beautifully with what you’ve been saying about kindness.

The traditional Christian sexual ethic isn’t only about “Don’t have sex.”

It is also about:

self-control + holiness + honour + not taking advantage of another person.

4. Hebrews 13:4 – “the marriage bed”

This is probably one of the most direct verses for the traditional position.

Hebrews says:

“Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure…”

and then contrasts the marriage bed with adultery and sexual immorality. 

Traditional Christians have understandably read this as supporting the idea that sexual intimacy has a particular place within marriage.

Again, though, it doesn’t literally say:

“Unmarried people must never have sex.”

It establishes a strong connection between marriage, sexual purity and the marriage bed.

5. Genesis 2:24 – “the two will become one flesh”

This one is incredibly important because it becomes a foundation for later Christian teaching.

Genesis describes marriage:

“A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

Then Jesus repeats this teaching in Matthew 19:4–6, and Paul uses it again in 1 Corinthians 6:16 when discussing sexual union. 

This is where the traditional Christian concept becomes really interesting.

Sex isn’t regarded simply as:

two people doing a physical activity.

It is associated with becoming “one flesh.”

So the theological argument becomes:

If sexual union creates a “one flesh” relationship, shouldn’t that union belong within the covenant of marriage?

That’s a theological inference rather than a direct prohibition, but you can see exactly how Christians got there.

6. Matthew 19:4–6 – Jesus connects sex, marriage and “one flesh”

Jesus quotes Genesis when discussing marriage and divorce.

He says:

“The two will become one flesh.”

And then:

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Again, Jesus isn’t specifically answering the question:

“Can an unmarried couple have sex?”

He’s talking about marriage and divorce.

But Christian theology has connected these passages together to develop the idea that sexual union belongs within the permanent marital relationship.

7. Ephesians 5:3 – “among you there must not be even a hint…”

Paul writes that there should not be:

“sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity…” among Christians.

This passage is particularly interesting because Paul places sexual behaviour alongside greed, obscenity, foolish talk and impurity.

So again, the emphasis isn’t simply biological.

It’s about character and how someone lives.

8. Colossians 3:5 – “put to death… sexual immorality”

Paul again tells Christians to put away:

“sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires…”

This becomes part of the traditional Christian argument that Christians are expected to exercise self-control over sexual desire, rather than allowing desire to dictate behaviour.

Christianity isn’t necessarily saying:

“Don’t have sexual desires.”

It’s saying:

“Your desires don’t have to control your actions.”

That’s a very different proposition.

9. Matthew 5:27–28 – Jesus and lust

This is the famous passage where Jesus says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

This is important because Christianity’s sexual ethic isn’t confined to physical behaviour. Jesus moves the conversation towards intention, desire and the inner life and that is exactly why Christian debates about pornography, masturbation and sexual fantasies become so complicated.

The question becomes:

What happens inside our minds as well as what we physically do?

 “When people say the Bible teaches that sex belongs within marriage, they aren’t pulling that belief out of thin air. There is a substantial biblical foundation for the traditional Christian interpretation however, there is also a difference between saying the Bible contains a number of passages from which this teaching is derived and saying the Bible contains one simple sentence explicitly prohibiting all sex before marriage.”

That doesn’t make the traditional interpretation meaningless. It simply means that interpretation matters and Christians have been interpreting Scripture for centuries.

There isn’t one giant Christian committee sitting somewhere deciding what every Christian in the world must believe about sex.

There are Catholics, Orthodox Christians, Anglicans, Baptists, Methodists, Pentecostals, evangelicals, progressive Protestants and many other traditions.

And… they don’t all agree.

Even the Church of England acknowledges that there are differences within Christianity over relationships, sexuality and family life, and its Living in Love and Faith work has deliberately brought together biblical, theological, historical, scientific and lived-experience perspectives. (Church of England⁠)

Perhaps that’s one of the beautiful things about faith.

We can believe deeply without necessarily believing identically.

So why does traditional Christianity put sex inside marriage?

I actually think Christians deserve a fair hearing here.

Because the traditional Christian argument isn’t simply:

“Sex is dirty.”

In fact, it is almost the opposite.

The traditional argument is that sex is so powerful that it deserves a meaningful framework around it.

Sex can create emotional attachment.

It can create children.

It can create vulnerability.

It can deepen a relationship.

It can expose parts of us that we don’t show everybody and it can hurt enormously when trust is broken.

Christian marriage is therefore supposed to be more than a legal document.It is intended to be a covenant: a promise of love, commitment, fidelity and mutual giving.

The Catholic Catechism describes marital sexuality as part of the total gift spouses make to one another, rather than something merely biological. (Vatican⁠)

And I actually understand that…I really do.

Because when you have experienced what happens when somebody breaks a commitment, you understand that fidelity isn’t just a word. It matters.

But what happens when the world changes?

This is where I think Christians need to have an honest conversation. We don’t live in the same society that existed hundreds or thousands of years ago.

People marry later.

People date differently.

People live together before marriage.

People meet through apps.

People form relationships across countries.

..and perhaps most importantly, sex is more accessible than it has ever been.

You can literally meet someone, message them, flirt with them, exchange photographs and potentially begin an affair without leaving your bedroom.

Technology has changed the landscape of relationships and yet our desire for love, intimacy and connection hasn’t changed very much at all.

British attitudes have also changed dramatically over recent decades.

Research from the National Centre for Social Research shows a significant religious divide in attitudes towards premarital sex, but also demonstrates how much more permissive British society has become. In British Social Attitudes data, 93% of people identifying as non-religious regarded premarital sex as rarely wrong or not wrong at all, compared with 82% of those identifying as Anglican or Roman Catholic and 66% of people identifying as other Christian. (National Centre for Social Research⁠)

So Christianity hasn’t disappeared from the conversation.

But it is now having that conversation in a very different culture.

Try before you buy?

That phrase sounds awful when we’re talking about human beings.

People aren’t cars, People aren’t houses, People aren’t handbags and relationships certainly shouldn’t be treated like Amazon purchases with a fourteen-day return policy, but underneath the rather cheeky phrase is a genuine question.

Should sexual compatibility be something we discover before making a lifelong commitment?

Because we encourage people to discover compatibility in so many other areas.

Do you want children? Do you want to live in the same place? Do you have compatible financial values? Do you communicate well? Do you want the same kind of lifestyle? Can you resolve conflict? Do you share similar values?

Why, then, is sexual compatibility sometimes treated as the one area where we shouldn’t find out anything until after we’ve made the commitment?

The traditional Christian answer is that sex isn’t simply another compatibility test. It’s part of the covenant.

I understand that.

But as somebody who has explored relationships and sexuality from a therapeutic perspective, I also think we have to acknowledge something uncomfortable:

Two people can love each other deeply and still be sexually incompatible.

…and sadly love doesn’t always magically fix that.

What if the sex doesn’t grow?

We’ve all heard the advice:

“Wait for the right person. If you love each other enough, the sex will develop.”

Sometimes it probably does. Sometimes couples learn each other’s bodies.

They communicate.

They become more confident.

They discover what works.

They become safer with one another and the sexual relationship grows alongside the emotional one.

BUT….. sometimes it doesn’t.

One person may have a much higher libido.

One may want more physical affection.

One may have fantasies the other doesn’t share.

One may be adventurous and the other more reserved.

One may see sex as essential to feeling connected while the other doesn’t.

None of that necessarily means either person is bad.

It means they are human beings with different needs and this is why I think sexual compatibility deserves to be discussed without automatically dismissing it as shallow.

Sex isn’t everything, but for many couples, it is something.

What I believe as a Christian woman

This is where I want to make my own position very clear.

I don’t personally believe that a Christian has to follow exactly the same sexual boundaries as every other Christian. We are all individuals with our own minds, and bodies and opinions, and wow isn’t that what makes the world so great!!

Some Christians believe sex should only happen after marriage.

Some Christians believe that sex can be morally acceptable within a deeply committed relationship even if that relationship isn’t formally married.

Some Christians take a much more conservative interpretation of sexual behaviour.

Others are considerably more liberal.

And I think we can have those disagreements without turning on one another.

Personally, I believe commitment matters enormously.

If I were becoming intimate with somebody now, I wouldn’t want it to be casual in the sense of emotionally meaningless.

I would want trust, I would want to know the person, I would want to feel safe, I would want honesty, I would want mutual attraction, I would want emotional connection and I would want to know that if we became intimate, neither of us was treating the other person as disposable.

That, for me, is where my Christianity and my personal values meet.

Not necessarily in a list of sexual positions.

Not in a rulebook.

But in how I treat another human being. So recently for me, I moved away from celibacy and did have intimacy with someone I genuinely looked at and thought.. there was a genuine chance of a future together. 

Because intimacy creates responsibility

I’ve thought about this particularly recently.

When you become intimate with somebody and then that person pulls away, it can leave you sitting with an enormous amount of confusion.

You can find yourself asking: Was it something I did? Did I misread the connection? Did intimacy mean something different to them? Did I become attached? Did they?

Why did it feel close one minute and distant the next?

And whether you’re Christian or not, there is something we need to remember.

There is another human being on the other side of our choices.

That matters….

If you know that intimacy creates vulnerability, then kindness matters. If you know somebody is becoming emotionally attached, honesty matters. If you know you’re not looking for a relationship, communication matters and if you’ve changed your mind, you are still entitled to change your mind.

But you should do so with kindness.

That’s important to me.

Because consent isn’t just about whether somebody agreed to have sex.

A healthy sexual relationship also involves honesty, respect and consideration for the emotional consequences.

Does God ask us to take responsibility for our choices?

I believe Christianity does.

The Bible repeatedly presents human beings as responsible moral agents.

Paul writes in Romans 14:12 that each person will give an account of themselves to God.

Galatians 6:5 speaks about each person carrying their own load.

Christianity’s concept of repentance only really makes sense if our choices matter.

But here’s the beautiful part.

Christianity doesn’t say:

“You must be perfect.”

It says:

“You are responsible for what you do, and when you get it wrong, there is a path back.”

That’s very different from shame and I think that’s something we sometimes lose.

Guilt doesn’t automatically make us better Christians

There is a difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt says:

“I did something I believe was wrong.”

Shame says:

“There is something fundamentally wrong with me.”

Those are not the same thing.

I don’t believe carrying enormous shame about sexuality automatically makes somebody a better Christian.

The Catholic Catechism itself recognises that when assessing personal responsibility, factors including psychological and social circumstances, anxiety, immaturity and habitual behaviour can affect culpability. (Vatican⁠)

Christianity has a concept called grace for a reason.

If the Christian life were simply about never making a mistake, none of us would stand much of a chance.

Are Christians supposed to have vanilla sex?

This might be my favourite question.

Because where exactly does the Bible say that good Christian sex has to be boring? It doesn’t. There isn’t a biblical list saying:

Missionary: yes.

Oral sex: maybe.

Anal sex: absolutely not.

Role play: consult your priest.

Lights on: questionable.

Lights off: definitely holier.

I’m being deliberately ridiculous here because sometimes we talk about Christian sexuality as though God handed humanity a bedroom instruction manual.

The reality is much more complicated.

The Song of Solomon is one of the Bible’s most sensual books, celebrating physical attraction, desire and erotic love.

Christianity isn’t inherently anti-sex.

Traditional Christianity is actually saying something much more interesting:

Sex is good, but it belongs within a particular moral framework.

The disagreement is about what that framework should be.

What about fantasies?

This is another area where Christians disagree.

Jesus’ teaching about lust in Matthew 5:28 has traditionally been interpreted as an important warning about the internal life of desire.

Catholic teaching, for example, places considerable emphasis on purity of heart, self-mastery and the intention behind sexual desire. (Vatican⁠)

But having a sexual thought isn’t necessarily the same thing as acting upon it.

Human beings have imaginations, we have fantasies, we have curiosity, we have desires that sometimes surprise us.

And perhaps the healthier question isn’t:

“Did I have a sexual thought?”

but:

“What do I choose to do with it?”

There is a world of difference between having a fantasy and exploiting another person. There is a difference between imagination and coercion. There is a difference between two consenting adults exploring their sexuality and somebody being pressured into something they don’t want and those distinctions matter.

What about being sexually adventurous within marriage?

Again, Christians disagree.

Some traditions impose considerably more restrictions on sexual behaviour than others.

Catholic teaching, for example, connects marital sexuality with both its unitive and procreative dimensions and places significant limits around what it considers morally permissible. (Vatican⁠)

Other Christians place greater emphasis on mutual consent, love, fidelity, conscience and the absence of harm.

So I don’t think it is fair to say:

“Christian sex must be vanilla.”

Nor is it fair to say:

“Anything goes because you’re married.”

There are Christians on both sides of that conversation.

..and that’s okay. People are allowed to interpret their faith differently. Everything is always down to those two consenting adults.

Catholicism, Protestantism and the importance of context

This is why I think we have to be careful whenever somebody says:

“Christians believe…”

Which Christians?

The Catholic Church has an authoritative Catechism and a very developed theology of sexuality, chastity and marriage.

Protestant Christianity is much more decentralised.

The Church of England is currently continuing its work on relationships, sexuality and gender following the Living in Love and Faith process.

The Methodist Church has also developed its understanding of marriage and relationships over recent years, explicitly acknowledging different understandings within the Church. Its guidance on relationships has described good relationships in terms including commitment, care and mutuality, while recognising that Christians can hold differing convictions. (The Methodist Church⁠)

That doesn’t mean every Protestant church agrees with every other Protestant church.

Quite the opposite and I think that’s worth celebrating rather than fearing.

What about other cultures and religions?

Christianity isn’t the only religion to have a strong sexual ethic.

Islam places significant emphasis on sex within marriage and discourages premarital sexual relationships.

Judaism has its own rich and varied traditions concerning marriage, intimacy and sexual ethics.

Hindu traditions are diverse, with different philosophical and cultural approaches to sexuality, marriage and desire.

Plus secular societies increasingly tend to frame sexual ethics around consent, autonomy, equality, safety and responsibility rather than religious prohibition.

There isn’t one global human consensus about sex.

There never has been.

Cultures develop different answers because sex sits at the intersection of biology, reproduction, family, religion, morality, identity and social organisation.

So perhaps the question isn’t:

“Which culture has the one perfect answer?”

Perhaps the question is:

“What values do we want our sexual relationships to embody?”

What does modern science tell us?

Science can’t tell us whether God considers premarital sex sinful.

That’s a theological question. However science can tell us about sexual health, relationships and the consequences of different forms of education.

The World Health Organization’s current guidance supports comprehensive sexuality education that includes relationships, consent, bodily autonomy, contraception, pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. It says high-quality comprehensive sexuality education can delay sexual initiation and reduce sexual risk-taking while increasing contraceptive use. It also states that abstinence-only programmes are ineffective at preventing early sexual activity and risk-taking. (World Health Organization⁠)

That doesn’t mean Christians shouldn’t teach abstinence.

If a Christian believes abstinence is part of their faith, they should be free to teach and practise it, but education and personal conviction are two different things.

We can teach young people:

“You don’t have to have sex.”

while also teaching:

“If you do become sexually active, you need to understand consent, contraception, sexual health, boundaries, emotional consequences and respect.”

That’s not undermining morality, That’s responsibility.

Does having sex before marriage make you less of a Christian?

This is perhaps the question underneath all of this.

And I would say:

It depends upon what you mean by “less of a Christian.”

If somebody belongs to a Christian tradition that teaches premarital sex is sinful, then having sex outside marriage would be considered contrary to that teaching.

We shouldn’t pretend otherwise.

But does one sexual decision erase somebody’s faith?

Does it mean they no longer love God?

Does it mean they are incapable of being kind?

Does it mean they cannot repent?

Does it mean they are morally inferior to somebody who has never had sex?

I don’t think we can reduce Christianity to a sexual purity scoreboard.

What actually makes somebody a good person?

This is where I keep coming back to character.

You can be sexually inexperienced and still be cruel.

You can be sexually experienced and incredibly compassionate.

You can be religious and unfaithful.

You can be non-religious and deeply committed.

You can be married and betray somebody.

You can be unmarried and treat someone with extraordinary care.

Sexual history tells us something about a person.

But it doesn’t tell us everything.

And certainly not their worth.

Maybe kindness is the missing piece

Perhaps this is the part I most want to emphasise.

Whether you’re Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, atheist, agnostic or anything else, kindness should matter in our sexual relationships.

If you know somebody is vulnerable, be careful with them.

If you know they are developing feelings, don’t deliberately exploit that.

If you know you’re not available for a relationship, be honest.

If you change your mind, communicate.

If you make a mistake, own it….

If you hurt somebody, don’t hide behind technicalities.

and if somebody hurts you, remember that their behaviour doesn’t determine your worth.

That, to me, feels deeply compatible with Christianity.

Because Christianity is not simply about rules.

It is about how we love one another.

Love, sex and the reality of compatibility

I don’t believe that sex should be treated as the most important part of a relationship, but I also don’t believe we should pretend it doesn’t matter.

For some people, physical intimacy is a central expression of love. For others, it is less important. Neither person is necessarily wrong.

The challenge comes when two people have fundamentally different needs and neither feels able to talk about them. That is where communication becomes so important.

Perhaps we need to teach people that sexual compatibility isn’t about finding somebody who performs perfectly. It is about finding somebody with whom you can communicate.

Somebody who listens, Somebody who respects boundaries, Somebody who can tell you what they like without humiliating you for what you like. Somebody who can hear “no” without taking it personally, Somebody who can say “I don’t know” without feeling ashamed.

And somebody who can say:

“Let’s work this out together.”

Would I abstain from sex until marriage?

Personally?

No.

Not at this stage of my life. I’m 43. I’m an adult woman. I understand my values. I understand consequences. I take responsibility for my choices and I don’t think being Christian means I have to hand over my entire decision-making process to somebody else’s interpretation of Scripture.

That doesn’t mean I have no boundaries.

Quite the opposite.

There are things I would only explore with somebody I deeply trusted. There are things I would only do within a secure, committed relationship. There are things I would say no to regardless of how much I loved somebody and there are things I might say yes to because they felt right for me and the person I was with.

Those decisions would be mine.

And I Kerry, would take responsibility for them.

Perhaps that is what being liberated actually means

Being sexually liberated doesn’t have to mean:

“I will sleep with anybody and do anything.”

It can mean:

“I know myself.”

“I know my boundaries.”

“I know my values.”

“I can make an informed decision.”

“I can say yes without shame.”

“I can say no without guilt.”

“I can change my mind.”

“I can take responsibility for the consequences of my choices.”

And perhaps most importantly:

“I can respect somebody else’s humanity while still honouring my own.”

That’s a very different definition of sexual liberation.

So, is the Bible a bedroom rule book?

Maybe that’s the question we should leave ourselves with, because I don’t think Christianity needs to be afraid of conversations about sex.

I don’t think Christians need to be embarrassed about having sexual desires. I don’t think having fantasies automatically makes somebody dirty. I don’t think a person’s sexual history determines their spiritual worth and I don’t think sexual liberation automatically means moral recklessness.

But equally, I don’t think we should dismiss the traditional Christian sexual ethic as old-fashioned nonsense.

There is something profoundly valuable in the Christian insistence on fidelity, commitment, self-control, responsibility and the dignity of another person.

Those are values I can get behind.

The question is whether those values necessarily require exactly the same sexual rules for every Christian and I don’t think we can answer that honestly without acknowledging that Christians themselves disagree.

Maybe there isn’t one answer

Some Christians will wait until marriage.

Some won’t.

Some will believe sex outside marriage is sinful.

Some will believe that committed, loving relationships can have a moral sexual foundation even without marriage.

Some Christians will have very traditional sexual boundaries.

Others will be much more adventurous.

Some will have no problem with fantasies.

Others will feel uncomfortable with them.

Some will believe that particular sexual practices are wrong.

Others will believe that between consenting adults in a committed relationship, those decisions belong to the couple.

And I think we can disagree.

Actually, I think we should be able to disagree.

Because faith is personal.

Morality is personal.

Values are personal.

And ultimately, each of us has to live with our own decisions.

The Christian sex debate nobody wants to have

Perhaps the question isn’t:

“Are Christians allowed to have sex?”

Perhaps it’s:

“What makes sex loving?”

Is it marriage?

Is it commitment?

Is it consent?

Is it fidelity?

Is it responsibility?

Is it emotional safety?

Is it all of those things?

And perhaps the answer isn’t exactly the same for everyone. I can respect the Christian who chooses abstinence. I can respect the Christian who believes deeply that sex belongs within marriage and I can also respect the Christian who has wrestled with Scripture, thought deeply about their faith and reached a different conclusion.

What I don’t think we need is shame.

What I don’t think we need is judgement.

And what I definitely don’t think we need is the idea that somebody’s sexual choices automatically tell us whether they are a “good” or “bad” Christian.

Because perhaps the more important question is not simply what happened in the bedroom.

Perhaps it’s what happened between two human beings.

Was there honesty?

Was there kindness?

Was there respect?

Was there consent?

Was there responsibility?

Was there care?

Was there love?

Those questions matter to me.

Perhaps they should matter to all of us, regardless of what we believe happens after we die because if Christianity teaches us anything, surely one of the most important lessons is this:

We are responsible for how we love one another.

Perhaps that’s where sex, faith and morality meet.

Not in a perfect bedroom.

Not in a list of rules.

Not in shame.

But in love, responsibility, kindness and the choices we make when another human being has trusted us with something vulnerable.

When Success Meets Love: Do High Achieving Men Have Room for Relationships?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Exploring communication, ambition, emotional availability, marriage, children and the difference between being busy and having relationship capacity

Why do high achieving men struggle with relationships? Explore ambition, communication, emotional availability, marriage, children and relationship capacity.

There is a particular kind of dating confusion that can happen when you meet a highly successful man.

He works hard, he travels, he has a demanding career, he has meetings, dinners, networking events, friends, family, the gym, projects, responsibilities and a diary that appears to have been organised by someone with a personal vendetta against free time.

He is ambitious. Driven, Successful, Independent… and then there is you.

Waiting for the good morning text…Wondering why there wasn’t a goodnight message.

Looking at your phone and thinking:

He said he’d call. Then, at 10.47pm:

“Sorry, just got in. Crazy day.” And you think:

Is he genuinely that busy? Does he actually like me? Is this just what successful men are like? Am I expecting too much?

Or does he simply not have the capacity for a relationship?

This is where dating becomes less about reading messages and more about understanding behaviour, because being busy and being emotionally unavailable are not necessarily the same thing.

However sometimes, they can look remarkably similar…

High achievement does not automatically equal relationship capacity

We often make assumptions about successful people. If someone has built a successful company, developed an impressive career, accumulated wealth, travelled the world or reached a senior position, we can unconsciously assume they must also be highly emotionally intelligent and capable in relationships. However career competence and relationship competence are different skill sets.

Someone can be exceptional at business and struggle with intimacy. Someone can be brilliant at negotiation and terrible at expressing feelings. Someone can manage a team of hundreds of people and struggle to communicate consistently with one person they are dating. Someone can be incredibly disciplined professionally and chaotic romantically.

Achievement tells us something about what someone can accomplish.

It does not necessarily tell us how much emotional space they have available for another person.

And that distinction matters.

Is it a London thing?

Let’s get this out of the way.

It is not that London men are genetically incapable of sending a text.

Although sometimes, after dating for a while, you might reasonably begin to wonder. London has a particular rhythm.

Fast careers, Long working hours, Commuting, Client dinners, Networking, Travel, Property, Finance, Law, Entrepreneurship, Corporate life and Social commitments. There are people who genuinely work extraordinarily long hours, but there is another cultural element too.

Some highly successful people become exceptionally good at functional communication.

They can negotiate a multimillion pound deal.

They can manage a team.

They can organise a property development.

They can coordinate ten people across three countries.

But ask:

“How are you feeling about us?”

And suddenly the WiFi goes down.

Functional communication is easy.

“Meeting at seven.”

“I’m in Manchester.”

“Can’t do Thursday.”

“Call you tomorrow.”

Relational communication requires something different. It requires curiosity, vulnerability, consistency, emotional presence… And some people have simply never developed those muscles.

A high achieving man can still make room for connection

This is the bit I think women sometimes need reminding of.

A genuinely busy man can still send:

“Morning you. Crazy day today, but I’ll call you tonight.”

That takes seconds.

Or:

“Just got home and I’m absolutely shattered. Hope you’ve had a lovely day. Sleep well.”

Again, seconds.

Communication is not necessarily about having hours available.

It is about making room for connection within the time you actually have.A person does not need to be permanently attached to their phone to demonstrate interest, but they do need to demonstrate that the relationship exists somewhere within their priorities.

That is the difference…

There is a difference between being busy and being unavailable

A busy but emotionally available person might say:

“I’ve got a manic day today, but I’ll call you tonight.”

And then they call.

They might not message constantly, but they keep you informed.

They make plans.

They follow through.

They remember things you’ve told them.

They show curiosity about your life.

They don’t leave you perpetually guessing.

Someone with very little relationship capacity may look different.

They disappear for long periods.

Plans remain vague.

You initiate most of the contact.

They repeatedly cancel.

Communication happens when it suits them.

You receive affection in bursts rather than consistency… and you find yourself spending more time interpreting their behaviour than actually enjoying the relationship.

That’s exhausting.

The real issue may be consistency

We often ask:

“Does he like me?”

But perhaps the better question is:

“Is he consistent?”

Because someone can absolutely like you and still be a terrible communicator. Someone can be hugely attracted to you and still not have the emotional bandwidth to build a relationship. Someone can think you’re wonderful and still have a lifestyle that leaves no meaningful space for intimacy and someone can communicate brilliantly in the beginning because they are pursuing you, only to become inconsistent once the initial excitement settles.

So communication frequency is not necessarily the measure of interest.

Consistency, initiative and follow through are much more revealing.

A man does not have to text you every hour.

He does not need to report his movements.

He does not have to be permanently attached to his phone.

But you should be able to understand the rhythm of his communication.

You should not constantly be wondering where you stand.

Does he actually have relationship capacity?

This, for me, is the more interesting question.

We talk endlessly about whether somebody is attractive enough, successful enough, funny enough, wealthy enough, interesting enough or compatible enough.

But what about capacity?

Someone can have enormous financial capacity.

Career capacity.

Social capacity.

Sexual capacity.

And still have very little relationship capacity.

A person can be extraordinarily successful and genuinely have almost nothing left emotionally by the end of the day.

That does not make them a bad person, It does not mean they do not care. However it may mean they are not currently able to offer the kind of relationship another person needs. You cannot create emotional availability for somebody else. You cannot love someone into having more capacity. You cannot become sufficiently attractive, interesting or sexually compatible to manufacture time and emotional bandwidth that simply is not there.

And then there is the question we do not always want to ask

Is it because he does not like me enough?

Sometimes, yes.

But not always.

And I think this is where dating advice can become unnecessarily simplistic.

“If he wanted to, he would.”

It is catchy.

It is also not always true.

Adults have jobs.

Children.

Businesses.

Families.

Responsibilities.

Travel.

Stress.

Life.

People can care deeply about someone and still be inconsistent communicators, but the reverse is also true. Someone can tell you they are incredibly interested while giving you very little actual relationship behaviour. That is why words alone are not enough.

Look at the pattern.

Do not become a detective

This is perhaps one of the most emotionally draining parts of modern dating. You start analysing everything. He did not say good morning.

Why?

He normally calls at lunchtime.

He did not today.

Is he losing interest?

He said he was working late.

Was he really?

He has been online.

Why has he not replied?

He sent a heart yesterday and nothing today.

What does that mean?

Suddenly you are not dating anymore.

You are conducting an investigation.

And if you spend more time analysing someone’s communication than experiencing their companionship, something needs to change.

Not necessarily because they are doing something terrible.

But because the relationship is creating too much uncertainty.

Intermittent communication can become strangely powerful

There is another psychological reason inconsistent communication can feel so consuming. When attention and reassurance arrive unpredictably, they can become disproportionately attention grabbing.

One day there is affection, attention and connection.

Then silence.

Then a lovely message.

Then distance.

Then suddenly they are intensely interested again.

That unpredictability can make the connection feel more significant rather than less.

You start waiting for the next little hit of reassurance and that can create a cycle where you are constantly monitoring the relationship. This is why consistency matters so much.

Healthy connection does not need to be relentless.

It needs to be predictable enough that your nervous system is not constantly asking whether you are safe in the relationship.

What about the good morning and goodnight texts?

I love this conversation because people sometimes dismiss these things as needy.

They are not inherently needy.

They are preferences.

Some people genuinely enjoy little moments of contact throughout the day.

A good morning message.

A quick call.

A goodnight text.

A little:

“Thinking of you.”

Those things can create a feeling of continuity.

Other people do not naturally communicate that way.

Neither person is automatically wrong.

The question is whether their communication styles are compatible.

You do not need somebody who communicates exactly like you.

But you probably do need somebody whose communication style does not leave you chronically deprived.

High achievement can create a very autonomous lifestyle

There is something else worth considering. The more successful someone’s life becomes, the more independent it can become. They may be used to making their own decisions.

Controlling their diary.

Travelling when they want.

Working when they want.

Living where they want.

Spending their money how they want.

Managing their own environment.

That independence can be wonderful.

But relationships require something slightly different.

They require consideration.

Negotiation.

Compromise.

Flexibility.

Making decisions with another person’s needs in mind.

The question is not whether a successful man should give up his independence.

Of course he should not.

The question is whether he has learned how to integrate another person into an already highly autonomous life.

Because a relationship is not simply adding another person to your existing lifestyle. At some point, two lives have to begin making room for each other.

High achievement does not equal emotional maturity

This is another trap in dating. We can unconsciously assume that because someone is successful, intelligent, wealthy or highly accomplished, they must also be emotionally sophisticated.

Not necessarily.

Someone can run a successful business and struggle with intimacy.

Someone can be brilliant at negotiation and terrible at expressing feelings.

Someone can be highly disciplined professionally and chaotic romantically.

Someone can have enormous ambition and very little emotional availability.

Oh and sometimes, the very qualities that helped someone become successful can make relationships more challenging…

Drive can become workaholism.

Independence can become emotional distance.

Confidence can become an unwillingness to compromise.

A packed diary can become a life where nobody else really fits.

None of these things are inevitable.

But they are worth noticing.

If marriage and children are the goal, when do you make room for them?

There is another part of this conversation that we do not talk about enough.

What happens when a highly successful man reaches his 40s and says:

“I want to get married.”

“I want a wife.”

“I want children.”

Those are wonderful ambitions.

But if they are genuinely important, they cannot remain permanently in the category of “one day.”because relationships take time.

You do not simply meet someone on Tuesday, decide you want marriage on Wednesday and have a family by Friday.

You have to meet.

Date.

Get to know one another.

Work out whether your values align.

Discover whether you communicate well.

Establish sexual and emotional compatibility.

Navigate differences.

Build trust.

Develop commitment.

For couples who want children, there is another reality that needs to be acknowledged.

Fertility is not completely under our control.

Female fertility declines with age, particularly from the mid 30s onwards, and fertility difficulties become more common as women get older. That does not mean women in their 40s cannot have healthy pregnancies. They absolutely can. It does not mean every couple will experience fertility difficulties either.

But it does mean that fertility should not be treated as an unlimited resource that can simply be dealt with later.

This is where I think some high achieving men may need to have a more honest conversation with themselves. If you genuinely want marriage and children, when are you going to create the space for the relationship that could lead to them?

Because waiting until your mid 40s and then assuming:

“I’ll just find a younger woman.”

is not necessarily the straightforward solution people imagine.

Firstly, the woman has to want you.

Secondly, she has to want the same kind of relationship.

Thirdly, your values and lifestyles need to align.

Fourthly, she has to want children with you.

And fifthly, you still have to build an actual relationship.

Age does not magically manufacture compatibility.

A younger woman is not a fertility strategy. She is a person.

She has her own ambitions.

Her own timeline.

Her own relationship history.

Her own standards.

Her own hopes for marriage and family.

And she gets to decide whether the life someone is offering is one she wants.

This is not about blaming men for prioritising their careers

Ambition is not a problem, Success is not a problem. Wanting financial security before having children is not a problem. Building a career before settling down is not a problem.

The issue is whether the life you are building leaves room for the life you say you want.

If marriage and children are genuinely important, then partnership needs to become part of the architecture of your life rather than something you hope will somehow fit into the leftover space.

And there is an uncomfortable irony here.

Some highly successful men spend their 30s and early 40s building extraordinary careers, businesses, wealth and independence, while telling themselves that relationships and family can be prioritised later.

Then later arrives.

And suddenly they discover that dating is not an Amazon Prime catalogue where you simply select the age bracket you would like delivered to your door.

There are real human beings involved.

Women have their own ambitions.

Their own children or desire for children.

Their own fertility considerations.

Their own relationship histories.

Their own standards.

And they get to decide whether the life someone is offering is one they want.

And women have agency too

This conversation is not about telling women to wait patiently for a successful man to eventually decide he is ready.

We are allowed to ask questions.

What are you actually looking for?

Do you want marriage?

Do you want children?

What kind of timeline do you have in mind?

Do you actually have the capacity to build that relationship?

Those are not unreasonable questions when two adults are dating with serious intentions.

We do not have to be endlessly understanding of someone’s career while quietly putting our own needs on hold.

We do not have to become the easiest woman in the world to accommodate.

And we do not have to pretend that our time, our emotional energy and our hopes for the future are somehow less important because someone else’s career is impressive.

You cannot build a family with someone’s potential

This might be one of the most important lessons in the entire conversation. You cannot build a relationship with someone’s potential. You cannot build a marriage with what someone says they will eventually become. You cannot build a family with a future version of someone who might one day have more time.

You build it with the person who is actually showing up.

That does not mean someone needs to have everything figured out before they meet you…None of us do.

But there needs to be evidence that they are capable of creating space for the life they say they want.

So how do you know whether there is room for you?

Perhaps not by counting texts.

Perhaps not by analysing how quickly he responds.

Perhaps not by deciding that three hours without a reply means he has lost interest.

Look at the broader pattern.

Does he make plans?

Does he keep them?

Does he communicate when plans change?

Does he check in?

Does he remember?

Does he call when he says he will?

Does he ask questions?

Does he listen?

Does he show curiosity about your life?

Does he make space?

And perhaps most importantly:

Do you feel like a person he is building a life around, or an appointment he is fitting into one?There is a huge difference.

You do not need to win a place in someone’s diary

I think this is perhaps the biggest lesson. When we are attracted to someone who is highly successful, it can be easy to start treating their availability as a prize.

He gave me Thursday.

He called me.

He’s fitting me in.

He’s finally got some time.

But a relationship should not permanently feel like you are trying to secure an appointment.

You do not need to compete with someone’s career.

You do not need to become the easiest woman in the world to accommodate.

You do not need to suppress your needs so you do not look demanding.

You need to discover whether there is mutual room.

Because ultimately, relationships are not built from spare time.

They are built from intentional time.

And perhaps this is the real question

Not:

“Is he busy?”

Not:

“Does he like me?”

Not even:

“Why doesn’t he text more?”

But:

“Does this person have the capacity to build the kind of relationship I actually want?”

Because a man can be wonderful.

He can be successful, kind, attractive, funny, interesting, ambitious and driven.

He can genuinely like you…And still not have the capacity to give you the consistency and communication you need.

That does not necessarily make him wrong.. And girl, it does not make you needy.

It may simply mean your lives, expectations and emotional rhythms do not fit and that is something worth discovering early, because the goal of dating is not to convince somebody to make room for you.

It is to find out whether there is naturally enough room for both of you.

And sometimes, the most useful piece of information a person gives you is not what they say.

It is the pattern of what they repeatedly do.

The Missing Ingredient: Are We So Busy Living That We’ve Forgotten to Love?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

I feel like, in today’s day and age, we’re forgetting our age.

We’re forgetting how quickly time passes us by.

We’re spending so many years trying to cling on to our youth. Desperate to be seen. Desperate to be validated. Desperate to keep our options open. Desperate to have variety when it comes to sex. Desperate not to settle down too soon, commit too quickly, or somehow miss out on something better that might be waiting around the corner.

But in doing all of that, I wonder if we’re actually missing one of the most crucial ingredients of a genuinely happy life.

Love.

Meaningless hookups don’t make a happy life.

Yes, they might leave you feeling happy for a night. Maybe even for 24 hours. There’s excitement. There’s attraction. There’s validation. There’s that temporary high of being wanted.

But then what? 

Who do you call when something incredible happens?

Who hugs you when you’ve achieved something you’ve worked years for?

Who knows the tiny details of your life that wouldn’t mean anything to anybody else?

Who do you turn to and say, “Fuck it. Should we just go on holiday?”

Who do you build the memories with?

I seldom talk about myself personally in my blogs. As a coach and trainee therapist, I’m conscious of boundaries and how much of myself I bring into the work that I do, but on this occasion, I thought, why not… because recently I’ve started to realise something that actually brings me a great deal of sadness.

Some of the best years of my life, I’m spending alone.

We all look towards the future and think, I don’t want to grow old and be lonely.

But what if we’re looking too far ahead?

What if some of us are spending the best years of our lives alone right now?I’m in my 40s. I feel good in myself. I’ve done an enormous amount of healing, I’ve worked on myself, body and mind, I’ve built a life. I’m raising my child, I’m studying, I’m working,I’m travelling. I’m achieving things I’m proud of. Yet, sometimes, I look around at my friends who are in relationships.

They’re off to Italy. Mykonos. America. Australia.

They’re seeing the world. they’re going for date nights, they’re having weekends away. they’re building a collection of memories that belong to the two of them.

And then there’s me…. 

Going on my solo trips, Travelling with my child, waiting to see who can get childcare and plan that once a year night out…

And don’t misunderstand me, I absolutely love travelling with my child. Those memories are some of the most precious memories of my life. 

I have friends. I have family. I have a child I adore, I mean I’m not always sitting at home with nobody in my life… lol, But sometimes I sit there and think:

I’d love some romance in my life.

I’d love somebody to share all of this with.

I thought, last year, that maybe I’d found that.

It wasn’t meant to be.

If I’m completely honest, it felt like 50% of the relationship was love bombing and the final three months were spent with me acting as a personal therapist. The push pull dynamic, never knowing where you stand is Toxic, and not for my own attachment style at all..

Wrong person… Wrong relationship. 

Perhaps even the wrong relationships can teach us something about what we actually want. I remember being in Ibiza once and going on a date with a gorgeous Portuguese guy called Francisco. We had such a good date.He took me for a beautiful dinner. We went for drinks. We talked.

And at one point, he looked at me and said:

“Kerry, do you get lonely?” as we talked about what it’s like to be single..

And I said no.

Because I’m not lonely… Not in the traditional sense of the word, more so in an empty bed kind of way! As a mother, I have my child. I have friends. I have family. I have people I love and people who love me.

But there’s a particular kind of connection I miss.

I miss my person.

Recently, I completed another year of study. I got the message congratulating me on passing and in that moment, I missed having somebody there to congratulate me.

Someone to give me a hug.

Someone to ask how I felt.

Someone who understood how much work had gone into getting there.

And equally, I miss being that person for somebody else.

I miss praising someone.

I miss making somebody feel good.

I miss having someone walk through the door and being genuinely excited to hear about their day.

I miss having somebody say:

“Fuck it. Should we just go on holiday?”

Or:

“Should we go out tonight?”

I miss the spontaneity that comes from having somebody to do life with.

And recently I’ve realised something.

Life is just passing by.

We’re such slaves to work. Slaves to money. Slaves to our schedules. Slaves to this idea that we need to have everything sorted before we’re allowed to make room for love.

We tell ourselves:

I’m too busy.

I’ve got too much going on.

I haven’t got the capacity for a relationship.

Maybe when work calms down.

Maybe when the children are older.

Maybe when I’ve healed a little bit more.

Maybe when I’ve achieved this.

Maybe when I’ve sorted that.

But when exactly is life going to become completely uncomplicated?

Probably never.. and I think I’ve been guilty of this too.

Sometimes I push people away because I tell myself I’m not ready.

I tell myself I don’t have the time or capacity for a relationship because I’m so busy with work, but maybe they just haven’t been the right people.

Because there’s an important distinction here.

I don’t need anybody, but I would like somebody.

There’s a huge difference.

But I also wonder whether some of us have become a little too good at not needing anybody.

We celebrate independence. We celebrate the person who has been hurt, picked themselves back up, built their own life and learnt how to stand completely on their own two feet and rightly so.

However, psychologically, there’s something interesting that can happen when you’ve spent a long time having to rely on yourself. Independence can become more than a strength. It can become protection.

You become so accustomed to solving your own problems that asking for help feels uncomfortable. So used to carrying everything yourself that letting somebody carry something for you feels almost unnatural. So capable of regulating your own life that allowing another person into it starts to feel like a disruption rather than an addition and perhaps that’s where hyper-independence can creep in.

There’s a difference between I can do this alone and I must do this alone.

There’s a difference between choosing independence and being so afraid of depending on another human being that you never allow yourself to experience interdependence, the healthy middle ground where two capable people choose to lean on each other without losing themselves.

I think that’s something I’ve had to question within myself.

Am I genuinely too busy for a relationship?

Or have I become so accustomed to doing everything myself that I’ve convinced myself there simply isn’t room for another person?

Because maybe the goal was never to need nobody.

Maybe the goal was to know that I could survive alone, while still allowing myself to admit that life might be nicer shared.

I don’t want somebody because I can’t survive alone. I’ve already proved that I can. I don’t need someone to rescue me. I don’t need somebody to financially support me. I don’t need somebody to give me an identity.

I’ve built my own life.

But being capable of doing life alone doesn’t necessarily mean I want to do all of it alone. I want somebody who matches my energy.

I want somebody who asks me how I am in the morning.

“Good morning, baby. How did you sleep?”

Someone who checks in during the day.

“How’s your day going?”

Someone who says goodnight.

“Goodnight, darling.”

It doesn’t have to be constant communication. We’re adults. We’re busy. We have jobs. Children. Responsibilities.

However, I miss those little moments of knowing that somewhere in the world, somebody is thinking about you.

That ten-minute phone call at night:

“I just thought I’d ring you. I miss your voice.”

That’s what I miss.

That person checking in.

That person to share it all with.

Although, I have female best friends whom I’m incredibly grateful for, I miss having a best friend who is also my partner.

Someone who’s your lover, your teammate, your safe place and the person you laugh with over something nobody else would find remotely funny.

When I became single and left my child’s father, I left because I needed to find myself, I needed to find happiness, I needed to heal. I needed to grow and spread my wings like a butterfly.

I had been in an unhappy relationship, but I was also very unhealed and very unhappy within myself at the time.

So I left, I found myself, I built a different life and somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I always assumed I’d meet somebody.

When I met someone in 2025, I remember thinking:

Yeah. I’m ready for this.

Sadly, he wasn’t the right person.

I chose wrong.

However that doesn’t mean wanting the relationship was wrong.

Lately, I’ve had the strangest feeling, I can’t even properly comprehend it. I almost feel like maybe there’s a relationship around the corner. Of course I’ve chatted to people. I’ve been on a couple of dates over the past couple of years, but recently I’ve found myself looking at the people in my life and wondering:

Have I already met him?

Is it somebody I’ve never had a relationship with before?

Could it be somebody from my past?

For me, it’s rarely going to be somebody old because I don’t particularly like looking backwards, an ex is an ex for a reason….

Or is he somebody I haven’t met yet?

I genuinely don’t know.

I just have this weird gut feeling I’ve had for the last few weeks that maybe there is somebody out there for me.

Perhaps the bigger realisation is this:

Maybe I have to make myself available for him.

Not available in the sense of downloading every dating app and desperately searching for a relationship.

Emotionally available.

Making space.

Stop telling myself I’m too busy.

Stop telling myself I’ve got too much stress.

Stop telling myself I’ve got too much pressure.

Maybe if I let the right person in, some of that stress wouldn’t feel quite so heavy. Maybe life isn’t supposed to be something we carry entirely by ourselves.

So what are we doing as human beings?

Why do we push away good things because we tell ourselves we haven’t got time for them? the irony is we’re right.

We haven’t got time.

Just perhaps not in the way we think.

We haven’t got unlimited time.

We’re spending it every single day.

We’re just not always spending it on the things that will matter when we look back.

I look at my own life and think:

I’m always working.

I’m studying.

I’ve got my child.

Where exactly am I supposed to fit a relationship into all of this?

But then I think about last year, I had fewer staff, I was arguably even busier.

Yet somehow I fitted a relationship in perfectly.

It worked, It worked around childcare, It worked around work.

We gave each other time.

Sometimes it was simply a couple of nights a week being in his arms and it was nice.

Again, wrong person.

Perhaps that relationship taught me something important. When the cards are actually on the table and a relationship is genuinely on offer, I can make space for it.

Maybe I do want a relationship…. Actually, I know I do.

Because I don’t want to spend the best years of my life, in my prime, creating all these incredible memories and have nobody beside me who remembers them too.

I don’t want to meet somebody in my 50s and say:

“Do you remember when I did this?”

“Do you remember when I went there?”

And then realise: No. Of course they don’t.

Because they weren’t there.

Sometimes I look at older couples who’ve spent decades together. They’re old, they’re grey, life has slowed down, yet they have this enormous invisible library between them.

A lifetime of memories.

“Do you remember that holiday?”

“Do you remember when the children were little?”

“Do you remember that ridiculous restaurant?”

“Do you remember when we got completely lost?”

“Do you remember when we couldn’t stop laughing?”

Their bodies have aged, their lives have changed, but they have decades of remember whens. I’ve come to realise something I genuinely didn’t think I’d ever say.

I’m not just ready for love.

I’m ready for somebody to share my life with.

I’m ready to build memories with somebody.

I’m ready to grow alongside somebody.

I’m ready to create a family life together.

I’m ready for a partner.

..and believe me, I’m quite stubborn. It’s taken me a while to admit that.

Because our culture celebrates independence—and rightly so.

We tell people:

You don’t need anyone.

Learn to love yourself.

Be happy alone.

Don’t settle.

Know your worth.

And all of those things are important.

But I wonder whether somewhere along the way we’ve taken a healthy message and pushed it too far. We’ve started confusing independence with emotional isolation. We’ve started treating needing connection as weakness. We’ve become so frightened of appearing needy that sometimes we’re afraid to admit we have needs at all. We tell ourselves that the second somebody doesn’t meet every expectation, we should cut them off.

That there’s always another option.

Another swipe.

Another person.

Another date.

Another body.

We’ve created endless choice while somehow becoming increasingly disconnected and I wonder whether modern dating has inadvertently taught us to approach human beings like products.

We scroll. We swipe. We compare.

Too short.

Too tall.

Too available.

Not available enough.

Too keen.

Not keen enough.

Wrong job.

Wrong location.

Wrong shoes.

Next.

Of course, having standards is important. Boundaries are important. Compatibility matters enormously, but the paradox of having so much choice is that sometimes, instead of making us more certain, it can make us less satisfied with whatever we choose.

There’s always the lingering possibility that somebody better might be one swipe away and relationships don’t work particularly well when we’re constantly looking over somebody’s shoulder to see who else has just walked into the room.

I also wonder if we’ve created something of an avoidant dating culture.

Not because everyone is avoidantly attached, that would be far too simplistic, but because many of the behaviours modern dating normalises can look remarkably similar to emotional avoidance.

Keeping things casual, Keeping your options open, Not defining the relationship. Pulling away when things become emotionally intense. Ghosting rather than having an uncomfortable conversation.

Moving on to somebody new rather than working through vulnerability with the person standing in front of you.

We call it freedom.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes, I wonder if what we’re actually doing is becoming incredibly skilled at avoiding attachment, because real intimacy isn’t found in endlessly meeting new people. It’s built when you stay long enough for somebody to actually know you. Not the version of you on the first date. Not your best photographs. Not your funny stories. Not the version who is effortlessly cool and definitely doesn’t care whether they text back.

You.

And perhaps that’s the uncomfortable thing about love. At some point, you have to stop browsing.

You have to choose.

And then you have to allow yourself to be chosen too.

Maybe that’s why some of us are still single.

Not because there’s nobody good enough out there, Not because we’re broken, Not because love isn’t meant for us, but because somewhere along the way, we became so good at protecting our peace that we forgot love requires us to open the door occasionally.

Of course, boundaries matter, Mine certainly do. If somebody consistently doesn’t give me attention, effort or emotional availability, I will walk away.

I don’t need to chase anybody.

There’s a difference between having boundaries and building walls. There’s a difference between recognising the wrong person and never giving the right person enough room to get close and perhaps that’s the question some of us need to ask ourselves:

Are we genuinely unavailable because life is too busy, or are we using busyness to protect ourselves from being vulnerable again?

Because love does require vulnerability. It requires making room. It requires allowing another human being to matter to you and yes, that means they could hurt you.

But they could also love you. They could also make an ordinary Tuesday feel like something worth remembering. They could be the person sitting beside you decades from now saying:

“Do you remember when…?”

So I asked myself a very simple question.

What do I actually want?

Do I want money? Not particularly.

As long as I have enough to pay my bills and live my life, I’m happy.

Do I want a healthy, happy child? More than anything in the world.

Do I want love? Yes.

Do I want happy memories? Yes.

Do I want a lifetime of togetherness? Yes.

I do.

Maybe that’s the ingredient we’re missing.

Not another achievement, Not another pay rise, Not another follower. Not another person finding us attractive. Not another meaningless hookup. Not another opportunity to prove we don’t need anybody.

Maybe it’s simply having somebody beside you who makes you feel glad you’re alive.

Someone to witness your life.

Someone whose life you get to witness too.

Someone to celebrate with.

Someone to comfort.

Someone to travel with.

Someone to laugh with.

Someone to come home to.

Someone who remembers.

Because one day, if we’re lucky, we’ll all grow old and perhaps the question isn’t only:

Who will be there when I’m old?

Maybe the question we should be asking ourselves now is:

Who do I want to build the memories with that we’ll talk about when we get there?

I don’t need somebody to complete my life.

My life is already full.

But I’ve finally realised… I’d quite like somebody to share it with.

Maybe I’ve spent long enough telling myself I’m too busy for love, because the truth is, life isn’t waiting for any of us to become less busy.

It’s happening now and I don’t want to miss it….

2026 – The year Choosing Me: The Moment I Stopped Waiting to Be Chosen

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

There’s a truth I’ve had to learn the long way round:

Sometimes you have to experience the wrong people to finally understand your worth.

Not in a cliché way and not in a “everything happens for a reason” way, but in a very real, very lived way, where each connection leaves a mark, teaches you something, and slowly pulls you back to yourself.

I’ve loved different kinds of men.

Last year I met the one who felt electric at the start, passionate, intense, everything turned up to 100. The sex was something else, I mean girls, there is good and then there is WILD! Insane until it wasn’t. Until the warmth turned into walking on eggshells. The subtle put-downs. The control disguised as care. The disappearing acts followed by apologies that reset everything… until the cycle began again and I lost myself in that, not just emotionally, but physically too. So swept up in the sex, attention, gifts and love-bombing, I suddenly realised after watch him down pink cocaine for two weeks, that this was not the kind of man who should be in mine or my Childs life.

Then came along a good man, Kind-hearted, Safe, I thought. Someone I let myself open up to in a way I hadn’t in a good few years. We built something slowly, calls, messages, shared moments across distance, it felt so familiar… And then… he shut down.

No warning. No gradual fade. Just a switch.

One minute, he was planning a weekend with me, so excited I was in his country. The next, it was “this feels like pressure, I should respect my boundary, I can’t do long distance”, That kind of emotional whiplash does something to you. It doesn’t just hurt, it changes how you see people. How you trust. How you show up. I’m so glad I didn’t have sex with him, because in all honesty seeing his insecurities at play with avoidance, makes me feel there would have been disappointment. I think it felt familiar, because it threw me back into the summer of 2023, another situation, the calls, messages, consistency, deep intimacy on all levels except sex.

and somewhere underneath all of that, there’s been another truth sitting quietly in my life:

There is someone I love… who didn’t choose me, and it was after the experience with my Californian guy, I realised, it simply reminded me of that! The heartbreak of 2023, where I wasn’t chosen, but had fallen anyway..

For a long time, I told myself it was limerence, Infatuation. Something I’d grow out of, however time has a way of clarifying things, not erasing them and the truth is some feelings don’t fade just because they’re inconvenient, they simply get avoided.

But here’s what I’ve realised:

Someone not choosing you doesn’t make them “the one.” It makes them unavailable.

The Pattern I Couldn’t Ignore

There’s something else I started to notice.

Men would leave… choose someone else… build lives with other women.

Then years later, they’d come back, Telling me I was always the one, That they see me now, That they made the wrong choice. It happened last summer. I had a call, with an ex asking to meet me, I was seeing the narcissist at the time, and I declined, but he pushed and pushed, so I agreed ten mins in a public place only. I showed up, and was met with, basically I was the one perfect for them, I was the one they loved, I was the one aligned, I was so shocked, but its not the first time this has happened.

But by then, it’s too late, Because love isn’t just about recognition, It’s about timing. It’s about courage. It’s about choosing.

And I deserve to be chosen in real time, not in hindsight.

I appreciate if things don’t work out with someone else they chose, and then try and rekindle, but I will never be the other woman, whilst you keep someone there incase I say NO, and I did say NO!

The Misunderstanding of Who I Am

I think part of my story is this:

People think they know me when they first meet me, I get judged all the time. They see confidence, Strength, Independence.
They assume I’m “a lot.”, That I’ll be hard to handle. People see the Kerry now before them, not the Kerry I was for all of my life, they see the girl with the lips, the tan, the hair, taking images and posing, and they see me in a certain way, because that’s what their ind interprets.

But the truth?

In a relationship, I’m soft, I’m calm, I’m loyal, I’m simple in what I want.

A quiet life.
A genuine connection.
A partner to build with, not perform for.

And it’s only later, when they’ve already chosen someone else, that they realise actually she’s the opposite to who she comes across as, But I’m not waiting around to be understood after the fact anymore. Judgement is on them, Darlings, not me!

What I See Clearly Now

I see the half-effort.

The “let’s plan something” followed by inconsistency.
The words that don’t match actions.
The low-level energy that expects access to me.

And I’m done with it, yep over it! You will remain in the archived, because quite frankly, I cannot be arsed seeing your face!

Because here’s the truth:

There is no attraction without consistency.
There is no connection without effort.
And there is no future where I am not fully chosen.

What I Actually Want

It’s not complicated.

I want someone grounded, Calm, Emotionally available.
Someone who values routine, health, stability. Someone who has kids already, maybe similar age to my child, so we can just enjoy watching the kids grow, rather than the stress and worry of having another! I love my life now to start all over again with a new baby. Someone who wants to build a life, not escape into one.

A home.
A partnership.
A quiet, real kind of love, that will last

Not the loud, chaotic kind that burns fast and leaves damage behind.

Just… a good man…

Here’s Where Everything Changed

At some point over the last 8-9 months, something shifted in me. In that time, I dated a narcissist, was sexually assaulted by someone I went on a date with, and then I met the ultimate avoidant. This was all meant to happen, and I don’t say that to minimise it, I say it not through bitterness or coldness, but

Clarity.

I realised I’ve spent so much time pouring into other people, trying to understand them, support them, love them, hold space for them…And not enough time choosing myself. Too much time not filling up my own cup.

So now?

I’m not chasing.
I’m not convincing.
I’m not waiting to be picked.

You either show me, consistently, clearly, and show that you choose me…
or you don’t get access to me at all...

There is no in-between anymore my body, my mind, my heart. No, you are not welcome!

It’s taken 42 years to reach this point, and I realise, I’m worth something, and it’s a deep routed find, and wow, my eyes are open.

For Any Woman Reading This

If you’ve ever felt like the one they come back to… but never the one they choose first…

If you’ve ever been “almost” loved properly…

If you’ve ever questioned your worth because someone couldn’t meet you where you are…

This is your reminder:

You are not too much.
You are not misunderstood.
You are not “almost.”

You are just no longer available for half-hearted love, and please hold your value high, hold it for someone who offers consistency, but offers to show up to! Not just a lunchtime meet in costa! Because the coffee dates are devaluing romance!!

However the true message stands, the moment you truly choose yourself, set your boundaries and recognise your value matters, is the moment the shift will happen!

The Peter Pan Syndrome. Why are you still addicted and chasing validation over Love – A post for men in their 40s

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

The phrase “Peter Pan Syndrome” comes from the fictional character of Peter Pan. However today, In popular psychology, it describes adults who resist the emotional responsibilities that usually come with adulthood, commitment, accountability, and deeper emotional intimacy.

While it’s not a formal clinical diagnosis, the term is often used to describe a pattern seen in some men who remain psychologically attached to a lifestyle of freedom, novelty, and validation long after their peers have moved into more stable phases of life. I mean for those reading this, who have been unfortunate enough to encounter this in a partner… You will feel this!

For some men, this pattern becomes most visible in the mid-to-late 40s, when a deeper internal conflict about identity, ageing, and self-worth begins to surface.

The Mid-Life Identity Shift

Many people assume maturity simply comes with age, however emotional development does not automatically follow the calendar.

For men who spent their 20s and 30s prioritising independence, lifestyle, or career success, over family life, their 40s can trigger a subtle identity crisis, and wow as the 40s go on, the shut downs become a form of self sabotage and self abuse.

This stage of life often brings new psychological questions:

  • Who am I now that youth is fading?
  • What do I actually want long-term?
  • Have I built something meaningful?
  • What does commitment mean at this stage of life?

For men who have avoided deeper emotional work, these questions can feel uncomfortable or even threatening. Instead of confronting them, some respond by doubling down on youth-oriented validation… Cue The Topless Pics on Instagram!!!

The Validation Loop

One modern factor intensifying this dynamic is social media.

Platforms like Instagram and TikTok, have created environments where attention and admiration are constantly available.

For men in their 40s who:

  • stay physically fit
  • maintain a youthful appearance
  • cultivate an attractive online presence – (Yep we’ve all seen those Hot Daddy types)

There can be a steady stream of attention from younger women…

This attention can create what psychologists sometimes describe as a validation loop.

The cycle looks something like this:

  1. Post photos or content online
  2. Receive admiration and attention
  3. Feel temporarily validated and ‘Good for their age’
  4. Then they go on and on and seek more attention to maintain that feeling

Over time, this external validation can become psychologically addictive. Instead of developing deeper emotional intimacy with one partner, the person begins relying on ongoing admiration from many people to reinforce their sense of self-worth… I mean, yes they look good, so in their minds, they’re not doing anything wrong, and will try so hard to justify their behaviour patterns, despite what those who love them tell them.

Why Validation Becomes So Important in the 40s

The mid-late 40s can be a psychologically sensitive period for many people.

It is often the stage where:

  • physical aging becomes more noticeable
  • social roles begin to shift
  • long-term life outcomes become clearer

For some men, especially those who strongly identified with youth, attractiveness, or freedom, this stage can trigger a quiet fear:

“Am I losing my value, my looks?” “Do I still have it?” – Attention from younger women can temporarily soothe that anxiety. It reinforces the belief that they are still desirable, still youthful, still relevant, but because this reassurance is external, it often needs to be repeated constantly. For that moment, they can tell theirselves, “Hey, I still have it”.

Avoidance and Emotional Distance

When validation becomes the primary emotional reward, deeper relationships can start to feel threatening.

A committed relationship requires:

  • emotional vulnerability
  • accountability
  • compromise
  • long-term investment

For someone caught in a validation cycle, these demands can feel restrictive. As a result, some men may become avoidant in relationships.

Avoidant behaviour can show up in different ways:

  • withdrawing when emotional conversations arise
  • keeping relationships undefined
  • prioritising independence over connection
  • losing interest once emotional depth develops
  • Keeping relationships surface level and fantasy, rather than reality

To a partner, this can feel confusing. The person may appear charming, attentive, and engaged at the beginning, but pull away when the relationship starts to require deeper emotional presence. This isn’t just down to identity and ageing struggles, this can also be deep rooted from Childhood trauma, and that missing link between, not feeling loved, not feeling enough.

Why Some Men Disregard Partners

When someone is heavily reliant on external validation, relationships can start to function more like sources of affirmation rather than mutual emotional partnerships.

This means a partner may be valued primarily for:

  • admiration
  • attention
  • excitement

rather than for the deeper emotional connection they bring.

Once the novelty fades, or once the relationship begins asking for more emotional maturity, the avoidant partner may disengage.From the outside, this can appear as sudden indifference or disregard. However, psychologically, it is often rooted in discomfort with vulnerability and a strong attachment to independence.

Do Men in Their Mid-to-Late 40s Struggle More With Avoidance?

Avoidant behaviour isn’t limited to any specific age group. However, certain factors can make it more visible in the mid-late 40s.

By this stage, a man may have:

  • decades of independent lifestyle patterns
  • a history of casual or short relationships
  • Trauma from partners leaving or cheating on them, due to emotional immaturity and capacity
  • strong identity built around autonomy

If emotional growth hasn’t kept pace with life experience, these patterns can become deeply ingrained, and need incredibly deep therapy in order to achieve change, At the same time, increased attention through social media or dating apps can reinforce the belief that there is always another option, and this is why they will never achieve the dream, because they will find their 10/10 and it still won’t be enough, the overwhelm and pressure their behaviour patterns will demonstrate will talk them out of every possibility of that dream.

This combination, long-standing independence plus endless validation, can make avoidance easier to maintain, and the sad reality is, they will never achieve the dream, even if they are 100% convinced they will. This is he real sadness here, because quite often these aren’t bad people, their early childhood and quest to be seen and appreciated, is their horrific downfall in life. Without accountability, recognition and honesty in therapy, the behaviour will serve them till their last breath.

The Difference Between Age and Maturity

The key takeaway is that age alone does not create emotional maturity. Some people develop strong emotional intelligence early in life through reflection, relationships, and self-awareness. Others can reach their 40s or 50s still operating from patterns established much earlier.

True maturity involves:

  • the ability to self-reflect
  • accountability for one’s behaviour
  • emotional availability
  • willingness to grow through discomfort

Without these qualities, chronological age becomes largely irrelevant.

The Real Question

When evaluating a partner, the most important question is not their age. It is whether they have done the inner work required for emotional intimacy.

Someone can be:

  • 30 and deeply self-aware
  • or 45 and still seeking validation in the same ways they did at 25.

Understanding this distinction helps explain why some relationships with older partners feel stable and grounded, while others feel confusing or emotionally distant.

The question is: Are you stuck in the Peter Pan Syndrome?

How to focus on Moving Beyond the Peter Pan Pattern: Growth in Midlife

While patterns like avoidance or validation-seeking can become more visible in midlife, they are not permanent traits. The 40s can actually be one of the most powerful periods for emotional growth, and they can glide into their 50’s with clarity and wisdom, and maybe an acceptance of the odd grey hair! Many people use this stage to reassess their identity, values, and the kind of relationships they want moving forward.

For men who recognise themselves in some of the patterns discussed, seeking constant validation, avoiding emotional depth, or feeling caught between youth and maturity, the good news is that change is entirely possible with intentional self-awareness.

1. Developing Self-Awareness

The first step toward change is honest reflection.

This means asking questions like:

  • Why do I rely on external attention for validation?
  • Do I feel uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability?
  • Am I avoiding commitment because of fear, past experiences, or loss of independence?
  • Am I truly hurting people, because of my behavioural patterns?

How did those questions make you feel? Did you lean in and then lean out? Yes the acceptance this could be you, is difficult, but needed…

Understanding the root of these behaviours can help shift the focus from blaming circumstances or partners toward personal accountability and growth.

2. Redefining Identity Beyond Youth

One of the deeper challenges in midlife can be the transition from identifying with youth and freedom to embracing a more grounded sense of self.

Rather than viewing aging as a loss, many men find greater confidence in:

  • life experience
  • emotional wisdom
  • stability and leadership
  • meaningful relationships

True attractiveness often comes not from appearing younger, but from self-assurance and emotional maturity.

3. Reducing Reliance on External Validation

Social media platforms like Instagram can amplify the need for constant approval. Taking a step back from the validation loop can help restore balance.

This might involve:

  • being mindful about how much attention social media receives in daily life
  • focusing more on real-life connections rather than digital feedback
  • building self-worth around character, values, and actions rather than external praise

When validation comes from within rather than from likes, comments, or admiration, relationships tend to become healthier and more authentic.

4. Practicing Emotional Presence

Avoidance often develops as a protective habit. Learning to remain present during emotional conversations is an important part of overcoming it.

This can involve:

  • listening without defensiveness
  • expressing feelings honestly rather than withdrawing
  • realising Blocking and Ghosting can cause incredible trauma for others
  • accepting that vulnerability is part of genuine connection

Emotional openness does not weaken independence, it actually strengthens trust and intimacy.

5. Embracing Growth Rather Than Escape

Perhaps the most important shift is reframing midlife not as a crisis, but as an opportunity.

For many men, their 40s bring:

  • greater self-understanding
  • clearer priorities
  • the ability to form deeper partnerships

Rather than chasing youth or external validation, this stage of life can become a time to build meaningful relationships and emotional stability.

Final Thoughts

The idea of “Peter Pan Syndrome” highlights a pattern, but it does not define anyone permanently. People grow when they are willing to reflect, learn, and adapt. Willing to take accountability for how they not only hurt others, but theirselves to.

Emotional maturity is not determined by age, status, or appearance it comes from self-awareness, accountability, and the willingness to evolve, see patterns and work in depth with therapists and self awareness to repair and heal.

For men navigating midlife, the most powerful transformation often begins with a simple shift in perspective: moving from seeking validation to creating a life built on authenticity, connection, personal growth, and acceptance that real validation comes from ourselves and a partner who truly sees us, hears us, supports us and loves us.