Category: NARCISISSM

I’ve Finally Popped My Dating Cherry

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you’ll probably know something about me already.

I don’t really date, well I haven’t… not since splitting with my Child father.

That probably sounds ridiculous coming from someone who spends so much time talking and writing about relationships, attachment styles and modern dating, but it’s true.

Throughout my adult life I’ve tended to meet one person, spend weeks talking to them, build an emotional connection, and before I know it, we’re either in a relationship… or I’m left wondering what happened… which has happened really only the last few years, which I do attribute to the whole Dating scene in general these days.

I’ve always been an “all my eggs in one basket” kind of woman.

Until now.

This week, something changed.

Quite unexpectedly, a last minute change of plans led me to a date in Leeds this week, with someone I’d only just matched to, and it was actually really lovely.

It was lovely.

There is no long term future because he’s moving to Dubai, but that’s almost irrelevant. Sometimes people come into your life simply to remind you what healthy interaction feels like.

He was funny, Confident, Direct, No games, No mixed messages, No trying to decode whether he was interested.

No disappearing for several days only to reappear with a vague excuse.

Just… straightforward.

And do you know what surprised me most?

It made me realise what I’m actually attracted to, the kind of man I need..

It’s Not Just About Looks

Anyone who knows me well laughs that I clearly have “a type.”

In fact, my best friend joked yesterday that all my exes look like clones of one another. “Did this one look like a clone too?” she asked, and they really do.

Not quite.

But what attracted me wasn’t actually just his appearance. It was his communication. His confidence, His ability to say exactly what he meant.

It dawned on me that I don’t just find confidence attractive. I find clarity attractive. There’s something incredibly reassuring about someone whose actions match their words.

Someone who isn’t afraid to communicate.

Someone who doesn’t leave you wondering.

Someone who doesn’t make you work out whether they’re interested.

That’s attractive, that’s what creates chemistry.. uncertainty does not equal chemistry.

The Difference Between Online and Real Life

One thing I’ve also realised recently is how easy it is to create assumptions about someone online.

You can read someone’s LinkedIn posts, See polished Instagram captions, follow someones whatssap status, read articulate dating profiles, Watch their videos and naturally you begin building an impression of them, but social media isn’t conversation. The sense of humour and depth people put out to their nearest and dearest, isn’t for new people to presume or judge on, but maybe we give too much of ourselves to people who don’t deserve it, people who haven’t earned that priviledge just yet . I don’t think people do not necessarily judge on purpose, however people form a perception and fill in their own gaps, without giving the person they’ve never met a true opportunity.

Also there are so many people who communicate brilliantly online because they have time to think, edit and even use AI tools to polish what they want to say.

Then you meet them in person…

…and it’s completely different.

Sometimes the confidence disappears.

Sometimes the conversation struggles to flow.

Sometimes the emotional intelligence you imagined simply isn’t there.

It reminded me that chemistry isn’t something you can predict through a phone screen.

I’ve Always Put All My Eggs in One Basket

This has probably been my biggest dating pattern, Meet one person, Focus solely on them, Invest emotionally, Stop noticing everyone else, Build hope, Build expectations.

Wait.

And wait some more.

Looking back now, I can see why.

Psychologists often describe this as an investment strategy. Once we begin emotionally investing in someone, our brain naturally starts filtering out alternatives. People with anxious attachment tendencies, or simply those who value commitment highly, often focus deeply on one connection because exclusivity feels emotionally safer than spreading attention across multiple people.

Research has also shown that once people imagine a future with someone, they’re more likely to overlook incompatibilities and continue investing, even when the relationship isn’t progressing.

I can definitely recognise myself in that.

This Week Felt Different

For the first time, I found myself chatting to more than one person, Not because I’m playing games, Not because I’m collecting options, Not because I enjoy endless messaging.

Quite the opposite, I just know I’m dating with intention. There’s a huge difference, I’m getting to know people, Having conversations. Seeing whether there’s compatibility.

Allowing people the opportunity to show me who they are before emotionally investing everything into one person.

And honestly?

It’s been refreshing, but wow hard work. I’m struggling to chat, but know I have to, and it’s not going too bad.  I’ve realised how much emotional pressure I’d unknowingly placed on previous situations. When you only have one person in your mind, every message matters.

Every delay matters.

Every cancelled plan matters.

Everything feels amplified.

Now?

I’m simply enjoying getting to know people.

There’s far less pressure.

Far less overthinking, Far more curiosity.

Learning From My Last Situation

I’d spent around eight weeks chatting to someone recently. We never actually met. Looking back, there was a clear imbalance. Not necessarily because either of us were bad people. Simply because our communication styles were completely different.

Would we have been compatible in person?

I’ll never know, and that’s okay. Sometimes people aren’t chapters.

They’re lessons.

Rather than feeling disappointed, I found myself naturally friend zoning that situation before deciding to start dating properly, I tried to hold off and felt I gave it my all and showed the full me, understanding, patience, kindness and a part of me that I only show those super close, however I realise, maybe I shouldn’t have shown up like that, when you’ve never met someone they can’t ever know or see the real you.

Moving on wasn’t about replacing anyone.

It was about recognising that if something isn’t moving forwards, it’s okay to keep living your life, and coincidently the night I was going on a date, was the night our communication ceased.

Dating With Intention Isn’t The Same As Dating Casually

I think this is where people sometimes get confused. Dating multiple people doesn’t automatically mean sleeping with multiple people.

Those are two completely different things. For me, dating simply means meeting people.

Having conversations, on the phone (Yep the last situation weirdly spent 8 weeks texting and not one call – Yes I should of read the signs).

Going for Walks, Laughing, Learning. Seeing whether there’s compatibility.

I’m actually clearer now than I’ve ever been.

I don’t want casual sex, I have never felt the need for casual sex, because a few hours of madness, can leave you feeling awful the next few days..

Perosnally for me, I don’t need validation. I’m not looking for excitement for the sake of excitement. 

I’m looking for my person.

The next person I’m intimate with will be someone with whom I’m building something meaningful.

That’s my choice and it feels incredibly peaceful.

A Little Excitement

Last night I caught up with an old flame, We’ve both already agreed it’s not a date, and as he picked me up, he’d brought me a coffee for the journey, laughing at the fact he knows I hate coffee dates. 

It’s simply two people catching up. I felt super comfortable, no pressure, no expectations.

Just two people seeing whether they enjoy each other’s company.

And honestly? I loved wearing a pretty dress, linking arms and walking around the Docks was so pretty, Being myself, with someone who knew me, and although it was essentially just friends catching up, we flirted and it felt nice.

For the first time in a very long time right now, dating doesn’t feel scary.

It feels exciting, its crazy to think I’ve only had half a dozen dates the last few years, but right now, I feel comfy at just the chatting stage and maybe there maybe one or two more dates to pencil, but hey no rush. 

Maybe This Is What Healthy Dating Actually Looks Like

Perhaps I’ve finally realised something important. Dating isn’t about desperately hoping every person becomes “the one.”

It’s about allowing enough space for the right person to reveal themselves, to meet in person, and not judge too early. It’s about curiosity instead of pressure.

Connection instead of obsession.

Intentionality instead of urgency.

I’m still dating for a relationship.

That hasn’t changed.

But I’m no longer dating from scarcity. I’m dating from abundance.

There’s a huge difference.

So yes…

I’ve finally popped my dating cherry.

Not because I’ve suddenly become someone who dates endlessly, I can’t suddenly just change who I am, but because, for the first time, I’m allowing myself to enjoy the process rather than trying to rush towards the destination.

Wish me luck.

I have a feeling this chapter might be a good one… and I thought I would add in a few interesting Dating facts..

• Surveys consistently find that many users of dating apps talk to multiple people at once before becoming exclusive. This isn’t necessarily because they’re less serious, but because it helps them avoid becoming emotionally invested before compatibility has been established.

• As Relationship therapists, we often recommend delaying heavy emotional investment until you’ve spent time together in person. Messaging can create a false sense of intimacy because our brains naturally fill in the gaps with assumptions.

• Studies on modern dating suggest that clear, consistent communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. It’s often less about saying the “right” things and more about reliability, honesty and emotional availability.

• People who date with intention typically report focusing on shared values, emotional maturity and consistency over initial chemistry alone. While attraction matters, long-term compatibility is built through communication, trust and aligned life goals rather than butterflies alone.

The Context we Meet in: Why we judge women by circumstance instead of Character

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

There is a scene in Pretty Woman that has stayed with me for years.

Edward, played by Richard Gere, looks at Vivian and says, “I’ve never treated you like a prostitute.”

Her response is immediate.

“You just did.”

For a long time, I watched that scene and thought it was simply about a man saying the wrong thing. As I have grown older, spent more time listening to people’s stories and worked with women from all walks of life, I have come to realise that the scene is about something much bigger than a wealthy businessman falling in love with an escort. It is about judgement. It is about the labels we place on people. Most importantly, it is about how often women are judged by the circumstances in which they are found rather than the character they possess.

What strikes me most about that exchange is that Vivian never asks the obvious question. Why is she carrying the burden of judgement when Edward was equally involved? He may have been the wealthy businessman and she may have been the escort, but both of them participated in the same encounter. Without Edward, there is no transaction. Without his choices, there is no story. Yet somehow society finds it easier to judge Vivian than it does Edward. He is seen as successful. She is seen as shameful. He is allowed complexity. She is reduced to a label, she could be incredibly successful in her own right, but it’s always the man casting judgement, without the understanding.

That scene has always felt like a reflection of something much bigger that still exists today. Women continue to be judged differently for the very same situations that men willingly participate in. The details may have changed. Dating apps have replaced chance meetings in bars. Social media has transformed how people connect. Entire industries have emerged that did not exist twenty years ago. Yet the underlying double standard remains surprisingly familiar.

A woman can meet a man on Tinder, spend an evening talking, laughing and building what she believes is a genuine connection, sleep with him, and then discover she has been quietly disqualified from relationship status because she slept with him too quickly. The irony is extraordinary. He was there too. He made the same decision. He participated in exactly the same experience. Yet somehow he walks away feeling entitled to judge her for behaviour he willingly took part in himself.

What fascinates me is that many women do not think this way. They are often looking at the bigger picture. They are wondering whether there is chemistry, whether there is potential, whether this person could become a meaningful part of their life. Of course there are exceptions. Both men and women can be manipulative. Both men and women can seek validation. Both men and women can be dishonest. This is not about pretending one gender is innocent and the other is guilty. Human beings are complicated. What interests me is the imbalance in how judgement is applied. Society still seems far more comfortable attaching shame to women than it does to men.

One of the most interesting questions in modern dating is why some men automatically assume that a woman on Hinge is more suitable for a relationship than a woman they meet in a lap dancing club or who perhaps has worked as an escort. Why? What evidence do they actually have? Have they spent time understanding her values? Do they know how she treats people? Do they know whether she is loyal, emotionally available, trustworthy or kind? Usually the answer is no. What they are really judging is not the woman herself. They are judging the story attached to her, and the crazy thing is from my day to day life, I actually hear that ‘BodyCount’ can often reign higher in the women they perceive as ‘Marriage material’.

The woman on Hinge is viewed as someone searching for love. The woman in the club is viewed as someone selling fantasy. One is placed into a socially approved category. The other is placed into a socially disapproved category. Yet neither label tells us very much. The woman in the club may have stronger boundaries than anyone the man has ever met. She may have spent years single because she refuses to settle for relationships that do not meet her standards. She may be fiercely loyal once she commits to someone. She may have had fewer sexual partners than many of the women being praised as relationship material. Meanwhile, the woman on Hinge may be dating multiple people, have no interest in commitment and be seeking validation rather than connection. Or the opposite may be true. The point is that nobody knows.

Character cannot be determined by profession. It cannot be determined by appearance. It cannot be determined by where somebody happened to meet you. Yet people continue to make assumptions every single day based on these things. They judge a book by its cover and then convince themselves they know the entire story.

What I have learned over the years is that public image and private reality are often worlds apart. We live in a culture where people carefully curate how they are perceived. Dating profiles are curated. Social media accounts are curated. Influencer brands are curated. Even ordinary people curate versions of themselves for public consumption. We look at photographs, captions and carefully selected moments and convince ourselves we know somebody. The truth is that we rarely do.

There are women with enormous social media followings who are admired by millions. There are reality television personalities, influencers and public figures who have built highly successful brands around their image. Some have found ways to monetise their beauty, fame and desirability in ways previous generations could never have imagined, and behind closed doors are being sent out on secret Whatssap groups for £10k for the night. Personally, I do not see anything wrong with that. If somebody has built an audience, worked hard to create opportunities and found a way to capitalise on their success, then fair play to them. What interests me is not what they do. What interests me is how society responds to them depending on what information is publicly available.

The same man who judges a woman working openly within the adult industry may spend years admiring, following and fantasising about a public figure whose private life he knows nothing about. The difference is not necessarily morality. The difference is visibility. One woman is judged because people know. The other escapes judgement because people do not. Yet both may be making similar choices in private. This is why assumptions are so dangerous. They are built on incomplete information and presented as certainty.

Another aspect of this conversation that deserves far more compassion is the reality that some women carry experiences most people know nothing about. Some women working within parts of the adult industry have histories of childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, coercive relationships or profound emotional neglect. Of course this is not true of everyone and it would be wrong to make assumptions. Every woman’s story is different. Yet it is important to recognise that for some women, their relationship with their body, sexuality and sense of control has been shaped by experiences that occurred long before anyone met them. I work with one lady in the industry, who was date raped, and is simply too scared to date, and maybe she’s lost her way a little, but who are we to sit and judge.

What often frustrates me is how quickly people jump to judgement without any curiosity about what might have brought someone to where they are today. We see a profession and assume we understand a person. We see a choice and assume we know the story behind it. Yet human beings are rarely that simple. For some women, stepping into a space where they choose the terms, set the boundaries and decide what access people have to them can feel very different from experiences where control was taken away. What outsiders may perceive as exploitation, another person may experience as autonomy. Whether people agree with those choices or not is almost irrelevant. The point is that we cannot understand someone’s life by reducing them to a label.

Perhaps that is another reason I find judgement so problematic. It leaves no room for complexity. It leaves no room for empathy. It leaves no room for the possibility that the person standing in front of us has survived things we cannot imagine. We do not know their history. We do not know their struggles. We do not know what they have overcome to become the person they are today. Yet society is often quick to condemn women for the choices they make while showing very little interest in understanding the experiences that shaped those choices in the first place.

As the film draws to a close, something interesting happens. Edward finally understands what he could not see at the beginning. The issue was never Vivian’s profession. It was never the circumstances in which they met. It was never the label he had attached to her. The real obstacle was his inability to look beyond those things. Only when he lets go of his assumptions is he able to see the woman standing in front of him.

If we return back to the film ‘Pretty woman’ in one of the most iconic scenes in the film, Edward arrives with flowers and climbs the fire escape despite his fear of heights. He becomes the knight in shining armour Vivian once dreamed about as a little girl. Of course, we live in a different world now. Most women are not waiting to be rescued. Women build careers, raise families, buy their own flowers and save themselves every single day. The fantasy was never really about being rescued anyway. The fantasy was about being chosen. Being valued. Being seen… finally the little girl who had led such a traumatic and sad life, was seen.

Perhaps that is what so many people are searching for beneath all the noise of modern dating. Not perfection, Not status, Not somebody who ticks every box on paper. Just somebody willing to look beyond the stereotypes, beyond the assumptions and beyond the story attached to how they met.

Because love does not arrive wrapped in social approval. It does not ask whether someone was met through friends, on a dating app, in a club, at work or during the most unexpected chapter of their life. Love only asks whether two people are willing to know each other honestly.

And perhaps that is the real lesson hidden inside Pretty Woman. The greatest relationships are not built by people who meet in the perfect circumstances…. They are built by people brave enough to see beyond them….

Maybe the real question is not where are the women worth loving. Maybe the real question is where are the men willing to put down their judgement long enough to recognise them.

Because the most beautiful love stories have never been about how two people met.

They have always been about what happened when they decided to truly see one another.

2026 – The year Choosing Me: The Moment I Stopped Waiting to Be Chosen

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

There’s a truth I’ve had to learn the long way round:

Sometimes you have to experience the wrong people to finally understand your worth.

Not in a cliché way and not in a “everything happens for a reason” way, but in a very real, very lived way, where each connection leaves a mark, teaches you something, and slowly pulls you back to yourself.

I’ve loved different kinds of men.

Last year I met the one who felt electric at the start, passionate, intense, everything turned up to 100. The sex was something else, I mean girls, there is good and then there is WILD! Insane until it wasn’t. Until the warmth turned into walking on eggshells. The subtle put-downs. The control disguised as care. The disappearing acts followed by apologies that reset everything… until the cycle began again and I lost myself in that, not just emotionally, but physically too. So swept up in the sex, attention, gifts and love-bombing, I suddenly realised after watch him down pink cocaine for two weeks, that this was not the kind of man who should be in mine or my Childs life.

Then came along a good man, Kind-hearted, Safe, I thought. Someone I let myself open up to in a way I hadn’t in a good few years. We built something slowly, calls, messages, shared moments across distance, it felt so familiar… And then… he shut down.

No warning. No gradual fade. Just a switch.

One minute, he was planning a weekend with me, so excited I was in his country. The next, it was “this feels like pressure, I should respect my boundary, I can’t do long distance”, That kind of emotional whiplash does something to you. It doesn’t just hurt, it changes how you see people. How you trust. How you show up. I’m so glad I didn’t have sex with him, because in all honesty seeing his insecurities at play with avoidance, makes me feel there would have been disappointment. I think it felt familiar, because it threw me back into the summer of 2023, another situation, the calls, messages, consistency, deep intimacy on all levels except sex.

and somewhere underneath all of that, there’s been another truth sitting quietly in my life:

There is someone I love… who didn’t choose me, and it was after the experience with my Californian guy, I realised, it simply reminded me of that! The heartbreak of 2023, where I wasn’t chosen, but had fallen anyway..

For a long time, I told myself it was limerence, Infatuation. Something I’d grow out of, however time has a way of clarifying things, not erasing them and the truth is some feelings don’t fade just because they’re inconvenient, they simply get avoided.

But here’s what I’ve realised:

Someone not choosing you doesn’t make them “the one.” It makes them unavailable.

The Pattern I Couldn’t Ignore

There’s something else I started to notice.

Men would leave… choose someone else… build lives with other women.

Then years later, they’d come back, Telling me I was always the one, That they see me now, That they made the wrong choice. It happened last summer. I had a call, with an ex asking to meet me, I was seeing the narcissist at the time, and I declined, but he pushed and pushed, so I agreed ten mins in a public place only. I showed up, and was met with, basically I was the one perfect for them, I was the one they loved, I was the one aligned, I was so shocked, but its not the first time this has happened.

But by then, it’s too late, Because love isn’t just about recognition, It’s about timing. It’s about courage. It’s about choosing.

And I deserve to be chosen in real time, not in hindsight.

I appreciate if things don’t work out with someone else they chose, and then try and rekindle, but I will never be the other woman, whilst you keep someone there incase I say NO, and I did say NO!

The Misunderstanding of Who I Am

I think part of my story is this:

People think they know me when they first meet me, I get judged all the time. They see confidence, Strength, Independence.
They assume I’m “a lot.”, That I’ll be hard to handle. People see the Kerry now before them, not the Kerry I was for all of my life, they see the girl with the lips, the tan, the hair, taking images and posing, and they see me in a certain way, because that’s what their ind interprets.

But the truth?

In a relationship, I’m soft, I’m calm, I’m loyal, I’m simple in what I want.

A quiet life.
A genuine connection.
A partner to build with, not perform for.

And it’s only later, when they’ve already chosen someone else, that they realise actually she’s the opposite to who she comes across as, But I’m not waiting around to be understood after the fact anymore. Judgement is on them, Darlings, not me!

What I See Clearly Now

I see the half-effort.

The “let’s plan something” followed by inconsistency.
The words that don’t match actions.
The low-level energy that expects access to me.

And I’m done with it, yep over it! You will remain in the archived, because quite frankly, I cannot be arsed seeing your face!

Because here’s the truth:

There is no attraction without consistency.
There is no connection without effort.
And there is no future where I am not fully chosen.

What I Actually Want

It’s not complicated.

I want someone grounded, Calm, Emotionally available.
Someone who values routine, health, stability. Someone who has kids already, maybe similar age to my child, so we can just enjoy watching the kids grow, rather than the stress and worry of having another! I love my life now to start all over again with a new baby. Someone who wants to build a life, not escape into one.

A home.
A partnership.
A quiet, real kind of love, that will last

Not the loud, chaotic kind that burns fast and leaves damage behind.

Just… a good man…

Here’s Where Everything Changed

At some point over the last 8-9 months, something shifted in me. In that time, I dated a narcissist, was sexually assaulted by someone I went on a date with, and then I met the ultimate avoidant. This was all meant to happen, and I don’t say that to minimise it, I say it not through bitterness or coldness, but

Clarity.

I realised I’ve spent so much time pouring into other people, trying to understand them, support them, love them, hold space for them…And not enough time choosing myself. Too much time not filling up my own cup.

So now?

I’m not chasing.
I’m not convincing.
I’m not waiting to be picked.

You either show me, consistently, clearly, and show that you choose me…
or you don’t get access to me at all...

There is no in-between anymore my body, my mind, my heart. No, you are not welcome!

It’s taken 42 years to reach this point, and I realise, I’m worth something, and it’s a deep routed find, and wow, my eyes are open.

For Any Woman Reading This

If you’ve ever felt like the one they come back to… but never the one they choose first…

If you’ve ever been “almost” loved properly…

If you’ve ever questioned your worth because someone couldn’t meet you where you are…

This is your reminder:

You are not too much.
You are not misunderstood.
You are not “almost.”

You are just no longer available for half-hearted love, and please hold your value high, hold it for someone who offers consistency, but offers to show up to! Not just a lunchtime meet in costa! Because the coffee dates are devaluing romance!!

However the true message stands, the moment you truly choose yourself, set your boundaries and recognise your value matters, is the moment the shift will happen!

Survival Mode in Relationships: When Emotional Abandonment Pushes the Body Into Crisis

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How avoidant and narcissistic relationship patterns trigger fight-or-flight, hormonal disruption, and physical collapse, especially in women

There is a kind of stress that doesn’t stay in the mind.

It moves into the body.

It shuts down appetite.

It steals sleep.

It disrupts hormones.

It turns love into a medical emergency.

For me, stress from romantic relationships affects my body more than anything else in my life, Not work, Not money, Not external pressure. Love, or more accurately, emotional instability disguised as love, is what pushes my body into survival mode.

And once I’m there, I can’t simply “calm down.”

My body is panicking.

What Survival Mode Really Is (Fight, Flight, and Freeze)

Survival mode is not a metaphor. It is a physiological nervous system response that occurs when safety is threatened.

In relationships with avoidant partners or narcissistic partners, the body does not experience emotional inconsistency as inconvenience, it experiences it as danger.

Hot-and-cold behaviour.

Sudden withdrawal.

Love-bombing followed by emotional abandonment.

Connection offered, then removed.

The nervous system responds by activating the sympathetic response, fight, flight, or freeze. This response is meant for short-term danger. In emotionally unstable relationships, the threat is ongoing.

So the body stays switched on.

The Avoidant Attachment Cycle — Step by Step in the Body

Avoidant attachment is often unconscious. But its impact on the other person’s nervous system is very real.

1. Connection Phase: “This Feels Safe”

What the avoidant does

  • Emotional intimacy
  • Deep conversations
  • Strong sense of alignment
  • Feeling chosen and secure
  • A perfect mirror to you, which helps secure a sense of bond

What happens in your body

  • Oxytocin increases (bonding hormone)
  • Dopamine rises (hope and reward)
  • Nervous system softens
  • Appetite and sleep may stabilise

Your body begins to wire this person as safety.

2. Deactivation Phase: Emotional Withdrawal

What the avoidant does

  • Becomes distant
  • Reduces communication
  • Feels “overwhelmed”
  • Shuts down emotionally

What you begin to feel

  • Unease
  • Tight chest
  • Anxiety
  • A sense that something is wrong

Physiological response

  • Cortisol begins to rise
  • Vagus nerve regulation drops
  • Fight-or-flight activates

Your body senses danger before your mind understands it.

3. Push–Pull Dynamics and Intermittent Reinforcement

What the avoidant does- Sometimes , may I add, however most are too weak to return and do not have the emotional bandwidth

  • Returns briefly
  • Reassures you
  • Withdraws again

What you feel

  • Relief followed by panic
  • Hypervigilance
  • Emotional preoccupation

What happens in the body

  • Cortisol remains elevated
  • Adrenal system overstimulated
  • Digestion suppressed → appetite loss
  • Sleep disrupted

This is where survival mode becomes chronic.

4. Sudden Breakup or Emotional Disappearance

What the avoidant does

  • Ends the relationship abruptly
  • Avoids closure
  • Emotionally shuts the door
  • Blocks you everywhere

What happens to you

  • Shock
  • Disbelief
  • Inability to eat
  • Inability to sleep
  • Inability to just function with day to day life

Physiology

  • Cortisol spikes
  • Melatonin suppressed
  • Blood pressure may drop
  • Immune system weakens

This is often the point people say:

“I don’t recognise myself anymore.”

The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle — And Why It Damages the Body

Narcissistic relationship patterns are different because the instability is often manipulative rather than avoidant.

1. Love-Bombing and Idealisation

What they do

  • Intense attention
  • Excessive affection
  • Fast emotional bonding

Body response

  • Dopamine surge
  • Oxytocin surge
  • Rapid attachment

The body bonds before trust has time to develop.

2. Devaluation and Emotional Withholding

What they do

  • Withdraw affection
  • Criticise or invalidate
  • Create emotional insecurity

What you feel

  • Anxiety
  • Self-doubt
  • Trying harder to regain safety

Physical impact

  • Cortisol rises
  • Appetite shuts down
  • Gut function slows
  • Weight loss begins

3. Discard, Return, Repeat

What they do

  • End the relationship
  • Return
  • End it again

Each cycle re-activates the trauma response.

The body never fully resets.

During one such relationship, my weight fell from nine stone (around 57 kg) to seven stone ten (around 49–50 kg). I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. My periods became severe and prolonged, leading to hospitalisation.

This was not just emotional distress. It was physiological breakdown caused by chronic stress.

Blocking: The Nervous System Impact of Sudden Disappearance

Blocking is not neutral.

Blocking is digital abandonment.

Psychological and Neurological Impact

Research shows that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain. Blocking removes:

  • Access
  • Repair
  • Explanation

The brain interprets this as:

“You no longer exist.”

What Blocking Does to the Body

  • Sudden cortisol spike
  • Panic response
  • Obsessive thinking
  • Appetite shutdown
  • Severe insomnia

For bonded individuals, blocking can:

  • Disrupt menstrual cycles
  • Lower blood pressure
  • Trigger medical symptoms
  • Psychologically impact their whole future

There is no nervous system regulation without closure.

Why Emotional Stress Affects Women’s Bodies So Deeply

Chronic relational stress disrupts the HPA axis (hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis), which governs stress hormones.

This impacts:

  • Cortisol regulation
  • Progesterone production
  • Oestrogen balance
  • Ovulation and menstrual cycles

This is why emotional stress can cause:

  • Heavy or prolonged periods
  • Hormonal imbalance
  • Faintness or low blood pressure
  • Hospital admissions

Women don’t just experience stress psychologically.

We carry it physically.

The Core Truth About Survival Mode in Love

Avoidant partners regulate by leaving, a selfish act for their own self preservation and to maintain their narrative ‘As the good guy’ – Which sadly to you and to an outsider not in their orbit, is actually anything but.

Narcissistic partners regulate by controlling, they can’t control someone who starts to remember their own self worth, and who starts to call them out…

The person left behind regulates by breaking down internally.

They close the door, and your body absorbs the impact.

Grounding: Gently Returning the Body to Safety

If you are in survival mode, your body is not betraying you.

It is protecting you.

Healing does not come from forcing yourself to move on. It comes from restoring safety slowly:

  • Eating what you can, when you can
  • Sleeping without self-judgment
  • Reducing exposure to emotional chaos
  • Choosing calm over intensity

Your nervous system does not need answers.

It needs consistency, gentleness, and time.

My little tip…

This blog is written from my own lived experience.

I share my story, including weight loss, hormonal disruption, hospital admissions, and the physical effects of emotional abandonment, not for sympathy, but for validation. To them you may not matter, but the key thing is, you should matter to you. They tried to rob you of dignity, clarity, and validation… but you have to remember, stop investing all that into them, and protect yourself… I mean we literally have no hope right now when it comes to dating, do we girls? Because everyone left who isn’t taken has that much trauma they become Avoidants or Narcissists, however remember, our own trauma can simply be making us anxious attachments… we need to stop the cycle!

Too many women are told they are “too sensitive” when their bodies react to relational stress. In reality, these reactions are often normal nervous system responses to instability and loss of safety.

If this resonates with you, please know:

You are not broken.

Your body has been fighting for you.

What Would Happen If We Walked Away From Dating Apps in 2026?

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Dating apps promised connection. Instead, they’ve left many of us anxious, disposable, and lonelier than ever.

My mum doesn’t believe me when I tell her that the only real way people meet these days is through dating apps. She’s from a different generation, one where people met through friends, work, chance encounters, or simple introductions. You met someone, you liked them, and you tried to make it work.

Today, dating feels nothing like that… it’s even hard to imagine, life was that simple, once!!

In 2026, dating apps dominate modern romance, yet, more people than ever feel emotionally burnt out, disconnected, and deeply unsure about love. So I keep asking myself the same question:

What would actually happen if we all made a conscious decision to walk away from dating apps?

Dating Apps and the Rise of Modern Dating Anxiety

There’s no denying it, dating apps have rewired how we connect.

Psychologically, they operate on the same reward systems as gambling: dopamine hits, intermittent validation, endless novelty. You swipe, you match, you wait. You check notifications. You compare. You question your worth.

Research over the last few years has consistently linked dating apps to:

  • Increased anxiety and stress
  • Lower self-esteem
  • Addictive usage patterns
  • Emotional burnout

So much so that users have attempted to sue dating apps, claiming the platforms are deliberately designed to encourage compulsive behaviour, emotional dependence, and prolonged singlehood rather than healthy relationships.

And honestly? I believe it, I have seen it with my own eyes, and my eyes are so tired of it..

Recently, I deleted Tinder and Bumble completely, I barely used Raya and have now set it to friends only. I thought everything was gone — until I realised I still had Hinge on my work phone. I hadn’t checked it in weeks.

There were 236 notifications.

And I didn’t feel excited. I didn’t feel curious.

I felt sick.

I didn’t even want to open it. I just wanted my pictures offline. I didn’t want to exist digitally anymore. That, in itself, says everything about what dating apps do to us. As soon as I clicked onto it, to delete, the universe spoke, on a dark reminder of why I want to be offline, lay before me on my screen, It was like I was being told… yes delete, delete, delete, because bad people lurk here…

The Illusion of Endless Choice

Dating apps sell the idea that more choice equals better outcomes, however psychologically, the opposite is often true.

Too much choice leads to:

  • Paralysis
  • Dissatisfaction
  • Constant comparison
  • A belief that something “better” is always out there

We find a diamond and still keep fucking digging anyway… why???

People become disposable, A face, A profile, A moment of interest, then… replaced. Not because something is wrong — but because the swipe never ends. It’s so cruel, not just to others but to ourselves..

We’ve become fickle and the apps reward it.

The Scariest Part of Online Dating: The 3–4 Week Pattern

This is the part nobody wants to admit — because once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

You meet someone, You talk every day, The connection feels consistent, Warm and Promising.

Then you hit week three or week four.

And something changes.

Replies slow down, Effort drops, the tone shifts. Suddenly they’re busy. Work is stressful. Life is overwhelming. They’ve got so much on.

The good mornings , the good nights disappear. The curiosity fades.

And you’re left asking:

Why does it always seem to end here? Why do people stop trying at the exact same point?

Dating apps encourage people to fantasise rather than commit, its all words and no action, To chase excitement without responsibility. To invest emotionally just enough, until someone else catches their eye.

Because someone always does.

A girl drops into their DMs. A new face swipes right. And before you know it, the excuses begin:

“I didn’t get a chance to reply.”

“I’ve been exhausted.”

“I’ve just been really busy.”

It’s not that they suddenly became busy.

It’s that their attention moved elsewhere… and it hurts…

When You Have a Good Heart, This Hurts More

This pattern cuts deeper when you’re someone who leads with sincerity, when your heart is pure, and you just simply hope for a glimmer of happiness in love…

When you like someone, you focus. You don’t browse. You don’t keep your options open “just in case.” Once you’ve met someone, you don’t feel the need to even look at an app.

So when things fade — again — it makes you question everything:

Who do I get close to?

Who do I trust?

When is it safe to let my barriers down?

As a woman, I sometimes wish I could be colder, more guarded, less emotionally available. Like friends of mine who can detach easily and give nothing away, and play the complete bitch, and they get treated like absolute royalty..

But I can’t help who I am.

And that softness — in a swipe culture — feels like a liability…

The Emotional Cost of Subtle Withdrawal

What makes this even harder is how quiet the withdrawal is.

If you’re intuitive, you feel it instantly. You notice the shift before it’s acknowledged. The delayed replies. The lack of effort. The energy change.

So when it happens again, it’s not just disappointment — it’s exhaustion.

It makes you not want to date at all. Not because you don’t want love, but because you’re tired of walking the same emotional loop with different faces.

Sometimes, you wish the internet didn’t exist, because people used to learn how to love. They worked through boredom. They chose each other. They didn’t disappear when novelty wore off.

Now, instead of asking “Can I grow with this person?”

People ask “Who else is out there?”

And that question alone destroys connection.

This is why celibacy is so key, because we can give part of our souls, but at least our body can remain untouched and we can hold onto some dignity. The real sadness these days, is how a lot of women, do give their bodies up too early, too freely, and the men take take take.. so you’ve given everything and feel left with nothing, and it hits you twice as hard.

Are Dating Apps Really How Most People Meet?

Despite how dominant apps feel, the data tells a different story.

While dating app usage has skyrocketed over the last decade, most long-term relationships still don’t start online. Even now, the majority of couples meet through:

  • Friends
  • Work
  • Social circles
  • Shared interests
  • Real-world environments

Apps feel unavoidable, but they aren’t the only way. They’ve just become the loudest.

What If We Walked Away From Dating Apps in 2026?

If we collectively stepped back, even temporarily, something interesting might happen.

  • Effort would return — because access wouldn’t be endless
  • Presence would matter more than performance
  • People would have to communicate instead of disappearing
  • Traditions would slowly reinstall themselves

When temptation isn’t constantly in your pocket, you’re more likely to lean into what’s in front of you.

And maybe — just maybe — if we stepped away from apps once we met someone, we’d actually try. We’d communicate. We’d work through discomfort instead of escaping it.

Choosing Depth in a World Addicted to Dopamine

As I step into 2026, I don’t have all the answers when it comes to love. I don’t know where life will take me romantically. What I do know is that I’m no longer willing to participate in something that leaves me feeling anxious, disposable, or disconnected from myself. I have hopes, I have dreams, I have affection, right now even desire, and I know where my heart points… but still trying to remain the ever optimist, and hope somewhere in this big wide world, a good man who aligns still exists.. somewhere.. maybe an ocean away… but there will be that man in the world, who brings calm, brings smiles, and brings a genuine love…

Right now, I’m single and you know what I’m okay with that… because I know my worth and what I deserve… and what’s more so If I feel the tone change, trust me, I will switch off quicker than any guy saying ‘Sorry Ive had a busy day’ – FU and FU …

So until a man asks me to be his girlfriend, his girl, until there is clarity, intention, and consistency — I choose to remain exactly where I am. Open-hearted, hopeful, but no longer available for half-effort, fantasy, or emotional breadcrumbs, darling, you we’re great for the 3 week Disney story, now I have shit to do, but yes, I use the word hopeful… you just never know, what’s around the corner!

Sadly Dating apps have trained us to believe that being alone is something to fix quickly, rather than something to sit with consciously. They’ve taught us that love is abundant but shallow, that connection is instant but disposable, and that if something feels hard, there’s always another option waiting.

But real love has never worked like that.

Love requires patience. It requires discomfort. It requires staying, even when the novelty fades and perhaps that’s why so many people feel lost now: not because love no longer exists, but because we’ve forgotten how to nurture it.

We’re living in a time where people want the feeling of connection without the responsibility of maintaining it. Where intimacy is mistaken for attention. Where consistency feels rare, and emotional safety feels almost radical.

And yet — despite all of this — I don’t believe love is gone.

I believe it’s quieter now. Slower. Less performative. I believe it exists in real conversations, in shared experiences, in moments that aren’t filtered or curated for an audience. I believe it grows when temptation isn’t constantly whispering in your pocket, telling you someone else might be better.

Maybe walking away from dating apps isn’t about rejecting modern dating entirely. Maybe it’s about reclaiming our nervous systems. Relearning how to be present. Choosing depth over dopamine.

Because when you remove endless choice, what’s left is intention.

When you remove constant comparison, what’s left is appreciation.

And when you remove distraction, what’s left is the possibility of something real.

So perhaps the question isn’t “How do we find love in 2026?”

But rather:

“How do we protect it when it shows up?”

And maybe — just maybe — the answer starts with putting the phone down, stepping back into the world, and allowing connection to unfold the way it always did… slowly, imperfectly, and humanly. Maybe the olden day love is still out there, maybe we just need to allow our eyes to glance further than our phone screens, and maybe we should just cherish the connections we do make.. making our own Hollywood ending…

You never know, maybe love is already in your life.. and you’ll find it when the distractions cease…

Understanding sexualisation — Why women are still sexualised? And how we can break free!

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Why do men sexualise women – Even when we cover up, even when we say no, even when we swear we are off dating? I dive into the truth being objectification, biology and culture, and why real love can only truly begin with respect and a natural alignment.

All about being seen, mis-seen, and owning your story!

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I’ve experienced the world as a woman: how I’ve been seen, how I feel used, how I feel sexualised. It’s a weird mixture of vulnerability, strength, frustration, even anger.

This is me writing to carry that girlhood, to bear witness to it, to ask the hard questions: why do men, regardless of religion, background, race, so often treat women as sexual objects? And why, as women, do we sometimes allow it? How much of this is about biology, how much about culture, how much about power? And what happens when your own history (for me: childhood sexual abuse) means you’ve always felt marked, always felt like the woman people want for one thing, but not for more.

My story (just enough)

I grew up feeling a certain constant, the sense that I was always the woman people saw in a certain way. Even when I didn’t want to be seen in that way. As a young girl, as I discovered my body, my femininity, my style and body, I realised other people were looking, not just looking, but categorising. The “one-night-stand” woman, the affair partner, the glamorous woman who’s fun but not serious, the girl who had brains, but was ‘just a model’. Kerry the model. In all honesty I grew up not knowing any better, my young mind warped… And then I have the memory of abuse. Childhood sexual abuse means your relationship to your own body and your own woman-self is tangled: you know you mattered, you know you were seen, and you know it was wrong. You also know that others’ seeing you has perhaps always been complicated, we personalise even the slightest look, and sit there wondering how that person is judging us.

So when, later, I try to live my womanhood fully, I take care of my appearance, I have long hair, I might get fillers, I choose to be glamorous, and still I’m treated as a sexual object, I post a selfie and often think am I allowed to take pride in how I look, the questions arise: Are we not allowed to be glamorous? To look good? To love our appearance? And why on earth doesn’t that permit us to also be respected as full human beings?

The hard questions

Why do men sexualise women in this way?

There isn’t a single simple answer, but there are strands worth pulling.

Biology & chemistry.

Men and women are different in many ways. One thing that biology offers is that men, on average, have higher levels of testosterone; a hormone often associated with sexual drive. Some argue this means men are more driven sexually, more likely to think with desire, more likely to objectify. But it’s not a justification. Hormones don’t excuse behaviours. And sexualising someone isn’t the same as a healthy sexual interest in someone consenting. Biological impulses are real, but culture, upbringing, self-control and empathy matter hugely.

Mindset, power and culture.

Sexualising a woman often isn’t just about the sexual act. It’s about power. If a man treats a woman as an object, he is seeing her as “other”, reducing her to her body or her sexual availability, not her personhood. Society still carries hierarchies: men are “allowed” to look, to pursue, to demand; women often are taught to tolerate, to receive, to hope for more than the sexual.

Our culture promotes the look-and-be-seen idea: glamorous women get attention. But then that attention becomes entitlement in someone else’s mind. A one-night stand becomes justification: “You looked that way, you must want it, you’re fair game.” The sad fact is, you can decide to sleep with someone quite quickly, however what follows the next week is a whole tornado of ‘self abuse’ – Why did I do that? Are they judging me? Am I cheap? And when women do say no, or want more than the sexual, they’re cast as “difficult”, “cold”, “too high maintenance”. It’s unfair. But it’s real. Men will want you in the moment, but then sadly a lot of guys, especially those who aren’t self aware, will mark you as ‘Not the girlfriend type’, and trust me girls, I won’t sleep with 99% of the guys I date, but because of my look, my strong personality, I still get that ‘Yeah not sure’! In all respect to those I have dated, I have become to recognise when a guy isn’t self aware, and cut my losses, and not pursued, the last few dates I have been on, straight away, I’ve had them figured out, and through my own journey as a coach and therapist training, I feel I have antennas looking for signs straight away. However why should how we look determine how desirable we are in. some circumstances, and I say ‘Some’ because women covering fully in hijabs are still victim…

Why covering up doesn’t always protect you.

You might ask: “If a woman covers up or wears a hijab, why can she still be a victim of sexual violence?” Because the root isn’t always about what she wears, but how the perpetrator sees. If he already views women as objects, or sees her body or vulnerability as a target, then what she wears may shift the context, but not the dynamic.

Here are some reference numbers:

  • According to a key charity, more than 1 in 4 women have been raped or sexually assaulted as an adult.  
  • For child sexual abuse: about 7.5% of all adults in England & Wales are estimated to have been sexually abused before age 16.  
  • As per the Office for National Statistics (ONS) the survey found that for year ending March 2022, 86% of sexual offence victims recorded by police were female; 91% of rape victims recorded were female.  

These aren’t just statistics—they reflect the lived reality of so many of us.

Relationship between men’s drive and women’s responses

There’s an imbalance in how men and women are taught to relate to sex and relationships.

Men’s drive / women’s response.

Men are often socialised to pursue, to conquer, to take. Women are often socialised to be pursued, to respond, to hope. If a man’s sexual drive is given free rein, and his empathy or accountability not sufficiently nurtured, sexualising becomes easy and relationship-building becomes harder.

Women meanwhile may yearn for connection, for being seen beyond the body, for being loved. That yearning, when combined with social messages like “you’ll be alone without a man” or “you’re nothing without love”, can mean we put our heart into new relationships too fast, or we accept less than we deserve.

Swipe-culture, first-date sex, casual affair mentality—all of that can feed the pattern. Women can ask: why are we letting men take advantage? Why do we give our first date, first night, so much of our self-worth? Because we want to be loved, wanted, affirmed. Because we’ve been taught our value includes being desirable. But the flaw is when desirable becomes the only value. Then we are easily used, not honoured. I have tried so many different ‘experiments’ lets call them, with my dating life, and still whatever side of my personality I show, whatever side of my sexuality I show, the result has been the same, and I came to realise through so much research and reading – is that us women take it personally, however this problem isn’t with us, its the men who have changed, and that’s fact.

For instance, every few months I will attempt the apps, and just last week, I started chatting to a couple of people, and wow, the dopamine fix for men having a flavour of the week, was too much for me to handle, because you know a week later, they’ll be swiping again, when you can’t give them the attention they think they deserve (from a stranger, ODD yes), so they swipe, and move on. No-one is really trying to find any depth other than the superficial. Yawn fucking Yawn! Although I will say if they can last a week and still peak my interest and there is a deeper alignment, then hallelujah!

Are we sexualising men more?

Yes, the culture changes. Women now have more public profiles, more sexual agency, more freedom to pursue men or express desire. But the asymmetry remains: when women sexualise men, men are less socially permitted to complain or to be objectified in the same way, fact girls. The power structure is different. So yes, perhaps women are more sexual in their expression now, but we are not (at least not yet) the overseers of objectification. The system still treats women differently, and how can we move away from this, can we???

What about us—the women who say “enough”

You say you’re going to swear to celibacy. That’s powerful. Whether you choose celibacy, choose slower relationships, choose deeper connection, your decision is yours, and it’s a statement: I will not be used. I will not be reduced.

Do we have to reject glamour, fillers, long hair, looking good, posting an instagram selfie? Absolutely not, I love seeing who I am now, what I represent, as I don’t see beauty, I see growth, the story of Kerry. Feminine beauty is not a sin. Wanting to feel good in your body is not an invitation to be sexualised as an object. Wanting to be seen as beautiful, to have fun, to feel empowered, that is your right. The problem isn’t you. The problem is the viewer who won’t let you be.

So, you owe nothing but your full self to anyone. If someone says “I want you just for one night,” you are allowed to say No. You are allowed to say I am worth more. You are allowed to say I want connection, I want respect, I want mutual desire and mutual regard. And if you don’t get that, you walk away. None of us are desperate enough, that we hurt ourselves in the pursuit of love.

Mindset change & how to find real love

Because here’s the truth, no one is going to find real love this way, not deep, lasting, meaningful love—if the foundation is “I want you for the night, for the moment, for the body”. That’s not love. That’s use, that’s being abused by yourself and others.

And if we keep playing that game (even passively) we become complicit in the cycle. Mindset shift time.

What we need to shift – as women

  • From “Am I desirable?” → to “Am I worthy of respect?”
  • From “Do they want me?” → to “Do they value me?”
  • From “Can I make this work?” → to “Will this bring me happiness, safety, growth?”
  • From “I’ll settle to be loved” → to “I’ll wait to be loved deeply”

What we need to shift – culture and for men

  • From “She looked that way therefore…” → to “Her appearance doesn’t give you rights.”
  • From “Pursuit equals proof of worth” → to “Willingness to stay, to walk the long road, matters more than the chase.”
  • From “Casual is fine if consenting” → to “Even consenting should bring mutual regard, not just use.”

What to do: practical steps

  • Set clear boundaries: Know what you will accept, what you won’t. Practice saying the words (in your mind or out loud – I deserve love)! Say it loud and clear!
  • Slow things down: If someone meets you and all they want is the sexual yet they neglect to ask your story, your mind, your soul, walk away. Real love takes time.
  • Check the foundation: When you meet someone, ask: “Do I feel safe? Do I feel known? Do I feel valued?” If the answer isn’t “yes, absolutely,” step back.
  • Honor your history: If your history involves sexual abuse, you have every right to heal, to protect your boundaries, to choose differently. That makes you stronger, not broken.
  • Seek community & role models: Talk with women who are choosing differently, men who are doing differently. Your story matters, your values matter.
  • Redefine your worth: Gaining respect, kindness, depth matters more than gaining “likes”, “matches”, “attention”. Your beauty, your glamour, it’s yours, enjoy it. Just make sure it’s rooted in you, not in someone else’s idea of you.

Why the system still fails—and what gives me hope

It’s not enough to talk about individual men or women. The system fails in many ways:

  • So many sexual offences go unreported, under-prosecuted. For example, for the year ending March 2024, rape made up 36% of all sexual offences, yet only around 2.6% of rape offences resulted in a charge/summons.  
  • Child sexual abuse remains huge: Children make up only 20% of the population but are victims in 40% of all sexual offences.  
  • And despite the glamour, the independence, the strength of many women, we still live in a culture that “allows” men to treat women as less, to use women as bodies instead of full beings.

But, I’m hopeful. Because more women are speaking, more men are rethinking, more boundaries are being drawn. You swearing to celibacy isn’t shame, it’s power. Saying you will not be reduced is fierce. Yes I find celibacy can be lonely, you will crave the touch and excitement, and sorry but however much I have tried, I struggle, however sometimes its better to have your mind and body, kept for you and only you.

And as women step into full ownership of their stories, full ownership of their beauty, full agency over their bodies and relationships, that is where change happens.

My Final thoughts…. or let’s call it Kerrys conclusion

To the girl you were, to the woman you are becoming: you are not here just to be looked at. You’re here to be seen, yes, but to be known. You’re not just a body, you’re a brain, a heart, a soul. And the fact you’ve felt sexualised, misunderstood, used doesn’t mean you accept it forever.

Men might have hormones, might have impulses, might have culture training them wrongly. But you have the power to choose how you respond, who you let in, what you demand. You have the power to glam, to glow, to live your femininity, on your terms.

If someone wants you only for one night and nothing more, that’s their choice, and you don’t have to play the part they wrote for you. You can write your own.

Carry your girlhood. Honour your story. Choose respect. And if anyone tells you your beauty is the problem, you know better. Your beauty is your gift. Your self-worth is not negotiable.

When ADHD and Narcissists date!

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The story of the Lion & The Giraffe….

Can those with ADHD really date a true narcissist successfully? I mean I say true narcissist because 2025 sees us using that word so freely. However imagine a true Narcissist, one that ticks every single box, a true narcissist combines ASPD, formally known as the term we coined ‘Sociopath’ – and imagine this person, who never believes they’re in the wrong, never feels or truly sees anyone else but theirselves , lies solum and waiting on their prey, waiting for their next supply, and who lives in a fake reality because anything that doesn’t feel like a high is surplus to them.

So lets look at the person with ADHD, the childlike, the fun, the passion filled, the excitable, the one who wants to fix everyone, and mend everything, the ultimate people pleaser. The kind warm loving ADHD’er the one who chooses to ignore red flags because they can see every negative in the world, and thinks they have the remedy and know how, on how to right wrongs, not even their own, but those of others. The type of people pleaser that will shower someone with so much love and affection….

The ultimate supply..

or

The perfect prey..

People with ADHD are often naturally drawn to narcissistic individuals in romantic relationships.This is because both personality disorders share many traits however take one as the angel and one as the devilish version… Impulsiveness, thrill seeking and competitiveness, and the ADHD’er able to understand more than most the narcissists full lack of empathy. ADHD’ers can struggle with empathy theirselves, because of the difficulties with their executive functioning, they have trouble recognising and regulating their emotions, which can take away their efforts and understanding, on the emotions of others. Quite often an ADHD can be straight to the point, almost rude, they don’t realise they do it, but when the words leave their mouth, it can cause panic when they realise what they say, albeit innocently. So as you can imagine, when someone with ADHD sees a narcissist, they often feel a strange common ground, and often wonder If the narcissist is ADHD to, as they recognise behaviour patterns, but lets face it, Narcissism is the evil big brother, the steroid version, of the very innocent ADHD traits, so of course the ADHD’er will feel there is common ground, not realising the danger that lies ahead with their innocent outlook on the situation.

ADHD is a neurological developmental disorder that affects self regulation and attention. Impulsive easily distracted and hard to stay focused, often with a need for speed and things to happen there and then. However all this is innocent, 99% wrapped in a loveable person, who wants to people please. Narcissists on the other hand, may have steroid version similar traits, however these are characterised by their grandiose self of self importance and constant need to be seen in that light and admired by all, they need validating by those lower than them, (In their eyes only) and they have zero empathy, because they don’t need to think about anyone but theirselves. They are controlling, manipulative and they use their minds wisely and their charm, to lure in the soft and the pure, into their orbit. Narcissism isn’t neuro-diversity, its a complex and dangerous personality disorder, which impacts every individual that surrounds them, from parents, to partners to their children. Narcissists can be hard to spot, and as mentioned many with ADHD will almost feel the Narc has ADHD. However common traits of a narcissist include:

A constant pre-occupation of visions and day dreams, of wealth, success, power and a family life where they hold the remote control.

A true belief they are special and unique and should only mix with people on their level, a constant need for hierarchy. Many Narcissists feel they are children of god, the feeling of special, can go off the scale.

A strong need for admiration and attention, a strong need for people to see them in a high position of authority and power.

An expectance of automatic control over other, and an expectance of others to obey and comply, and an expectancy of people to treat them ‘Special’.

An inner anger to be envious of others, and a constant feeling that others are envious of them.

A constant behaviour trait of exploiting others and manipulating others for their own gain, requirements and supply.

A split personality to the outsider, leading to outsiders never being able to settle and feel emotionally in control, as the narcissist can appear fickle and flippant, in what they want, who they are, and who they want to be with.

Narcissists can be both female and male, males tend to lead to more sociopath traits, and can often get involved in criminal activities, whilst females often get drawn into emotional and sexual manipulation of others.

The ADHD partner is the innocent Giraffe, head in the clouds, wondering the Serengeti, and the perfect prey for the Lion to take down, bit by bit, inch by inch, insult by insult… until eventually the giraffe is so damaged, its impossible to ever be able to walk on those long legs again, or dead… left as a carcus with no meat left, and surplus to the lions needs. The giraffe life changed forever, meanwhile the lion without empathy and with the notion of ‘I just needed my feed, its the circle of life’, moves on in the long grass ready for its next prey, feeding of snippets here and there, until they meet their next Giraffe.

The relationship between both disorders, starts off in a term ‘Euphoric’ for both parties, The ADHD’er has every single supply the Narc needs, and the Narc provides the perfect ingredients of love bombing, that gets the ADHD’er hooked. In fact, let’s scrap ADHD/NARC, let’s simply use LION for the Narc and GIRAFFE for the ADHD’er. Its so much easier, and we hate titles!! The chemistry between the two is mind blowing, for both, out of this world, the Lion gets the Giraffes needs perfect, and the Giraffe gets the Lion more than anyone ever has.. Its a sexual match made in heaven! For people with ADHD, narcissists can provide excitement and stimulation, which can counteract their boredom levels, because lets face it ADHD’ers hate being bored and often get frustrated. ADHD’ers are drawn to the attention and grandiose of the narcissist and pop them up on the peddle stool, exactly what the narcissist needs.

Giraffes struggle In life with various elements for instance spotting red flags, this makes them susceptible to the Lions manipulation. Lions exploit the emotional dysregulation that giraffes can often struggle with, leading to a pattern that is beyond dangerous, and will leave the giraffe walking on egg shells, and feeling beyond anxious, and scared, of the Lions mood, the lions feelings and never knowing what side of the bed the Lion is going to wake up on. The poor Giraffe will feel like they are sinking, unable to think of anything, through pure anxiety and fear, of the unexpected, and anyone knows those with ADHD struggle with the fear of the unknown. The emotional abuse and exploitation that can exacerbate already present difficulties, can lead to the most incredible sense of anxiety and depression, that the ADHD’er may have never felt before, so it can bring immense confusion and sadness to the positive ADHD’er.

Giraffes often have problems asserting theirselves, and this can be part of their softness, however this is putty in hands to the Lion, as they can push boundaries beyond the normal levels, and to the point the giraffe doesn’t have any because they are so worn down, with trying to set boundaries, but never being heard by the Lion. They will start off really trying to firm up their boundaries, yet the more and more the lion doesn’t listen, they feel backed into a corner and think, why bother?

Giraffes as we know have difficulties maintaining attention and can often have memory problems, especially short term memory. This is a key tool for the narcissist to who play on these memory problems to exploit the ADHD’er and they will take advantage by gaslighting to the full max of this situation, and psychologically manipulate the ADHD’er to make them question their own memory, perception and sanity. For instance and I have seen this myself the narcissist will deny conversations that occurred, and twist the truth to suit their narrative. For instance, a conversation factually for me, I was told, “Oh yes I rescued my friend from a brothel, and paid for the lads to go to the brothel”, so when I asked ‘Have you ever slept with a prostitute?’ I was told.. NO! Fact! Fast forward 3 months later a conversation that was completely normalised, became ‘Yeah of course I’ve slept with prostitutes, I told you this’ – I tried to argue I hadn’t been told, and was told ‘You don’t listen, I told you’ … leading me to rewind and rewind and rewind, over the initial conversation, and NO, it was not my fucking memory! However just being told that left me anxious, disorientated and almost feeling I needed to write down and document everything, as my self defence. To be honest I could of recorded the initial conversation, and he would of still tried to convince me, I was wrong and he was right.

Giraffes will love their lion at their worst, at their lowest, at their angriest, the giraffe can witness their lion eating another giraffe and still the giraffe will remain, because their love for their lion is so true, so pure and so real. However the Lion will not ever see this, because as all narcissists do, they only ever measure their own feelings, and do not have the capacity to feel, recognise, or appreciate others love. The giraffe will not care for what the Lion used to have, what prestige or title they have or had, the giraffe will fall in love with the heart of the lion, and this again another danger, because the Lion in their grandiose doesn’t want to be seen let alone loved at this low level, they aren’t accustomed to, the lion only wants the rest of the Serengeti to see them on pride rock, at the top of their game, at the top of the hiecharchy, so knowing the giraffe sees them at their most vulnerable, at the start the Lion will appreciate that, when they have a sense of fake reality, the sense that they don’t need to be up on pride rock showing off, however when pride takes over and they need to be seen, valued, little giraffe, how could they love that pathetic wonderer who isn’t up on their rock, giraffes should love their Lions when they’re up on their pride rock, where they want and need to be, and where everyone looks up to them, even giraffe. You see there will never be an equal part in their relationship, the Lion will always only ever go as low as 51/49, because their sense of needing to be seen in their hierarchy and at the top of the board, will always come first. Narcissists needs to feel above everyone else, even the ones who love them the most.

ADHD’ers, it’s a known fact, can often posses a level of low self esteem, which more than often stems from past traumas, and the sad fact of this, is they are far more tolerable of abusive behaviours the narcissist will put their way. The Narcissist will start with, hmm lets call them baby insults, the softened blow such as ‘I say it with love, however you have such a pretty face, but if you had your teeth done baby it will change your whole face and make you prettier’ – See anyone reading that, (bar for the narc theirselves) can see its a vile and hurtful insult, but in the moment, the ADHD partner won’t see that, it will stimulate their people pleasing notion, and they will start to think without realising ‘Maybe I do need my teeth doing’. This is how it starts, the undoing of the ADHD’er the Narc gaining control. In my own personal case it was followed with, I can’t deal with your job it reminds me of this, it triggers this, I need you to give it up. Followed by, awww baby, you tummy tuck scar, is so bad, why is it like this. In my head I was like “Its actually a brilliant scar only 14 months old so not faded white yet’ – The next about my boobs, so I went for a consultation, and the insult following that was ‘If you tie a brick to this one, and tie a brick to that one, then throw the brick over your shoulder, it will pull them up?? Ok… I mean here is a few sentences of a personal snap shot. However a true Narc cannot even see the wrong in what they say, and if you dare confront them… ‘You’re hard work’ , ‘You’re combative’ – even though just as any human being, you are simply doing the very basics of defending yourself.

ADHD’ers are the type of individuals who simply make it their quest to help, to help support and to think they can help others, to anyone in the world the ADHD’er will have a heart of gold, may be annoying, however they’re good people, its within them to want to help. However to a sociopath or narcissist, their goodness is massively undervalued, and they can irritate the Narc immensely, and unless the Narc goes away and deals with their inner anger and issues and pick up some serious CBT skills, the whole combination is beyond dangerous for the ADHD’er , because as we have covered already, the Lion will simply drag the giraffe down, slowly, painfully, until the ADHD’er and everything that once shone for them, is beyond damaged.

At the end of it all, it is possible for the two of them to work, and potentially have something Euphoric for life, but it’s crucial the ADHD’er is wide awake, and crucially, aware of the risks the ultimate predator possess. The euphoria will only truly work, when the narcissist knows their behaviour is abusive, and pushes and known they need to correct their behaviours, and also when the narc knows, that true love is about choosing someone other than theirselves, and showing up. Sadly the ironic thing about researching this is that the giraffe will always find happiness, yet the Lion often dies lonely… surrounded by superficial, and never truly being happy inside, happy who they’re with, and happy with their lives. They truly struggle more than any disorder out there to truly love others, and when they feel true love, it’s not as exciting as the honeymoon ‘being in love’ , so it fails to impress them, it fails to mean anything to them, and rather than choose that person, like we all do in the second phase of love, they dispose of them, or cheat on them and leave them sat at home disrespected and hurt.

The relationship of the Giraffe and Lion, could be totally described by both as a meeting of souls, a true soulmate, however it takes two of them working hard and showing up, and most often the Lion disposes yet later in life will regret letting go of their ‘Soulmate’ in the giraffe, but what goes around.. comes around, and karma always follows through..