Category: HEALTH

The Girl Who

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1 am Kerry.

The girl who was never really seen.

The girl who learned to read a room before she learned to read a book.

The girl who knew when to be quiet, when to disappear, when to hold her breath and wait for the storm to pass.

The girl who experienced things no child should ever have to live through.

The girl who learned that sometimes the people who should protect you are the people who hurt you.

The girl who grew up too quickly, The girl who learned to cope, to adapt, to make herself small, to survive.

The girl who carried pain that wasn’t hers to carry, and learned to keep going anyway.

The girl who, later in life, found herself in relationships that were unsafe, where love became control,

where kindness could turn to cruelty, and the people she trusted again chose their own needs over her safety.

The girl who learned that home isn’t always a safe place,

and that leaving can be the bravest thing you ever do.

The girl who picked herself up.

The girl who carried herself out.

The girl who learned not to ask for too much, not to need too much, not to expect too much.

The girl who could survive anything.

The girl who turned her pain into purpose.

The girl who fights for every woman to make a stand against those who hurt them.

The girl who believes every woman should be in charge of their own body, their own choices and hold their own agency.

The girl who speaks up when other women are silenced.

The girl who uses her story to support, empower and help other women.

And everyone called her strong.

But nobody knew that strong was simply

what happened when a little girl had no other choice.

Because underneath the woman is still the girl who sometimes wonders

what it might feel like to be someone’s first thought.

The girl who wanted someone to notice when she was tired.

The girl who wanted someone to say,

“You don’t have to be brave today.”

The girl who wanted somewhere safe to put down everything she’s been carrying.

The girl who wanted arms around her that didn’t eventually let go.

The girl who wanted to be loved

without having to be so strong all the time.

The girl who wanted to know what it felt like to be rescued, without having to fall apart first.

She didn’t want saving because she was weak.

She wanted to be held because she had been holding herself for far too long

And now, when I look back at her, I don’t see a girl who was broken.

I see the girl who survived

The girl who kept going even when nobody knew how hard going was.

But perhaps she deserves more than survival.

Perhaps she deserves to know what it feels like when somebody else stays.

When somebody else holds on.

When somebody else looks at her and decides,

“T’ve got you.”

Maybe every girl out there is a girl who doesn’t need rescuing, but needs somebody to notice.

A girl who needs to be loved.

A girl who needs to be held.

A girl who needs someone just to hold out their hand and say, “I’ve got you”

Because in each and every one of us, there is

‘A Girl Who.’

We’ve all overcome things in our lives that have brought us to where we are now.

And maybe, just maybe, we can stop trying to rescue ourselves and not be ashamed to ever ask for help.

Christianity and Sex: What does the Bible really say about Premarital Sex?

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The Christian Sex Debate Nobody Wants to Have

From premarital sex and sexual compatibility to fantasies, fidelity, and whether God really cares what happens in the bedroom.

Try Before You Buy? Does Christian sexual morality still make sense in 2026?

Let’s talk about sex.

More specifically, let’s talk about Christianity and sex.

Because there is something rather fascinating about the relationship between the two.

Christianity has a lot to say about love, marriage, fidelity, temptation, desire, self-control and sexual morality. And yet, for something that is such a fundamental part of being human, sex can still be one of those subjects that Christians find incredibly difficult to talk about openly.

And perhaps that is why I wanted to write this.

Not to attack Christianity, not to tell Christians what they should or shouldn’t believe and certainly not to suggest that there is only one way to be a Christian.

I am a Christian woman myself.

I have been married. I have been divorced. I have experienced love, heartbreak, intimacy and betrayal and as someone who has studied therapy and the psychosexual side of relationships, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what actually makes relationships work.

My own beliefs around sex are fairly simple.

I believe intimacy should mean something, I believe commitment matters, I believe trust matters, I believe kindness matters, I believe consent matters and I believe that when you become intimate with somebody, you are stepping into something that can be incredibly vulnerable for both people.

However, does that necessarily mean we have to wait until a wedding ceremony before we can discover whether we are sexually compatible?

Well, that’s where things get interesting.

Does the Bible actually say you can’t have sex before marriage?

The traditional Christian answer is essentially yes.

Catholic teaching is very clear that sexual intercourse belongs within marriage and that unmarried couples are called to live chastely rather than engaging in sexual relations. The Catechism describes marriage as a complete and lifelong mutual gift and says that sexual intimacy becomes part of that marital commitment. (Vatican⁠)

Many conservative Protestant and evangelical churches hold a similar position, interpreting biblical passages concerning sexual immorality, marriage and the “one flesh” relationship as teaching that sex belongs within marriage.

But there is an important distinction. The Bible doesn’t actually contain a simple sentence saying:

“Thou shalt not have sex before marriage.”

The traditional Christian position is an interpretation drawn from a collection of passages and theological principles. The traditional Christian teaching that sex belongs within marriage come from how a number of biblical passages about sexual immorality, marriage and sexual desire and the ‘One flesh’ relationship have been interpreted together, the traditional conclusion is simply very well established. If we look at examples to help us look deeper..

1. 1 Corinthians 6:18–20 – “Flee from sexual immorality”

This is probably one of the strongest passages for the traditional argument.

Paul says:

“Flee from sexual immorality… honour God with your bodies.”

He then connects sexual union with the “one flesh” language from Genesis 2:24. 

The traditional interpretation is essentially:

Sexual union is not morally neutral. Your body belongs to God, and sexual intimacy creates a profound bodily union, so Christians are called to avoid sexual relationships outside God’s intended framework.

The interesting bit is that Paul doesn’t spell out every prohibited scenario. He uses the broad category sexual immorality, which Christians have subsequently interpreted in different ways.

2. 1 Corinthians 7:2 – marriage as the answer to sexual desire

Paul writes:

“Since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.”

He then discusses mutual sexual responsibilities within marriage. 

The traditional interpretation is fairly obvious:

If sexual desire is difficult to control, marriage provides the appropriate context for sexual intimacy.

That’s one of the passages behind the historic Christian teaching that sex belongs within marriage.

But notice something important for your article: Paul is not writing a modern sex-Ed manual. He’s addressing a particular Christian community with particular questions about sexual behaviour, marriage and celibacy.

So we shouldn’t pretend the verse is more explicit than it actually is.

3. 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7 – “avoid sexual immorality”

This is another major passage.

Paul says:

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality…”

He goes on to talk about controlling one’s body “in a way that is holy and honorable” and not wronging or taking advantage of another person. 

Don’t exploit another person.

That fits beautifully with what you’ve been saying about kindness.

The traditional Christian sexual ethic isn’t only about “Don’t have sex.”

It is also about:

self-control + holiness + honour + not taking advantage of another person.

4. Hebrews 13:4 – “the marriage bed”

This is probably one of the most direct verses for the traditional position.

Hebrews says:

“Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure…”

and then contrasts the marriage bed with adultery and sexual immorality. 

Traditional Christians have understandably read this as supporting the idea that sexual intimacy has a particular place within marriage.

Again, though, it doesn’t literally say:

“Unmarried people must never have sex.”

It establishes a strong connection between marriage, sexual purity and the marriage bed.

5. Genesis 2:24 – “the two will become one flesh”

This one is incredibly important because it becomes a foundation for later Christian teaching.

Genesis describes marriage:

“A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

Then Jesus repeats this teaching in Matthew 19:4–6, and Paul uses it again in 1 Corinthians 6:16 when discussing sexual union. 

This is where the traditional Christian concept becomes really interesting.

Sex isn’t regarded simply as:

two people doing a physical activity.

It is associated with becoming “one flesh.”

So the theological argument becomes:

If sexual union creates a “one flesh” relationship, shouldn’t that union belong within the covenant of marriage?

That’s a theological inference rather than a direct prohibition, but you can see exactly how Christians got there.

6. Matthew 19:4–6 – Jesus connects sex, marriage and “one flesh”

Jesus quotes Genesis when discussing marriage and divorce.

He says:

“The two will become one flesh.”

And then:

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Again, Jesus isn’t specifically answering the question:

“Can an unmarried couple have sex?”

He’s talking about marriage and divorce.

But Christian theology has connected these passages together to develop the idea that sexual union belongs within the permanent marital relationship.

7. Ephesians 5:3 – “among you there must not be even a hint…”

Paul writes that there should not be:

“sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity…” among Christians.

This passage is particularly interesting because Paul places sexual behaviour alongside greed, obscenity, foolish talk and impurity.

So again, the emphasis isn’t simply biological.

It’s about character and how someone lives.

8. Colossians 3:5 – “put to death… sexual immorality”

Paul again tells Christians to put away:

“sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires…”

This becomes part of the traditional Christian argument that Christians are expected to exercise self-control over sexual desire, rather than allowing desire to dictate behaviour.

Christianity isn’t necessarily saying:

“Don’t have sexual desires.”

It’s saying:

“Your desires don’t have to control your actions.”

That’s a very different proposition.

9. Matthew 5:27–28 – Jesus and lust

This is the famous passage where Jesus says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

This is important because Christianity’s sexual ethic isn’t confined to physical behaviour. Jesus moves the conversation towards intention, desire and the inner life and that is exactly why Christian debates about pornography, masturbation and sexual fantasies become so complicated.

The question becomes:

What happens inside our minds as well as what we physically do?

 “When people say the Bible teaches that sex belongs within marriage, they aren’t pulling that belief out of thin air. There is a substantial biblical foundation for the traditional Christian interpretation however, there is also a difference between saying the Bible contains a number of passages from which this teaching is derived and saying the Bible contains one simple sentence explicitly prohibiting all sex before marriage.”

That doesn’t make the traditional interpretation meaningless. It simply means that interpretation matters and Christians have been interpreting Scripture for centuries.

There isn’t one giant Christian committee sitting somewhere deciding what every Christian in the world must believe about sex.

There are Catholics, Orthodox Christians, Anglicans, Baptists, Methodists, Pentecostals, evangelicals, progressive Protestants and many other traditions.

And… they don’t all agree.

Even the Church of England acknowledges that there are differences within Christianity over relationships, sexuality and family life, and its Living in Love and Faith work has deliberately brought together biblical, theological, historical, scientific and lived-experience perspectives. (Church of England⁠)

Perhaps that’s one of the beautiful things about faith.

We can believe deeply without necessarily believing identically.

So why does traditional Christianity put sex inside marriage?

I actually think Christians deserve a fair hearing here.

Because the traditional Christian argument isn’t simply:

“Sex is dirty.”

In fact, it is almost the opposite.

The traditional argument is that sex is so powerful that it deserves a meaningful framework around it.

Sex can create emotional attachment.

It can create children.

It can create vulnerability.

It can deepen a relationship.

It can expose parts of us that we don’t show everybody and it can hurt enormously when trust is broken.

Christian marriage is therefore supposed to be more than a legal document.It is intended to be a covenant: a promise of love, commitment, fidelity and mutual giving.

The Catholic Catechism describes marital sexuality as part of the total gift spouses make to one another, rather than something merely biological. (Vatican⁠)

And I actually understand that…I really do.

Because when you have experienced what happens when somebody breaks a commitment, you understand that fidelity isn’t just a word. It matters.

But what happens when the world changes?

This is where I think Christians need to have an honest conversation. We don’t live in the same society that existed hundreds or thousands of years ago.

People marry later.

People date differently.

People live together before marriage.

People meet through apps.

People form relationships across countries.

..and perhaps most importantly, sex is more accessible than it has ever been.

You can literally meet someone, message them, flirt with them, exchange photographs and potentially begin an affair without leaving your bedroom.

Technology has changed the landscape of relationships and yet our desire for love, intimacy and connection hasn’t changed very much at all.

British attitudes have also changed dramatically over recent decades.

Research from the National Centre for Social Research shows a significant religious divide in attitudes towards premarital sex, but also demonstrates how much more permissive British society has become. In British Social Attitudes data, 93% of people identifying as non-religious regarded premarital sex as rarely wrong or not wrong at all, compared with 82% of those identifying as Anglican or Roman Catholic and 66% of people identifying as other Christian. (National Centre for Social Research⁠)

So Christianity hasn’t disappeared from the conversation.

But it is now having that conversation in a very different culture.

Try before you buy?

That phrase sounds awful when we’re talking about human beings.

People aren’t cars, People aren’t houses, People aren’t handbags and relationships certainly shouldn’t be treated like Amazon purchases with a fourteen-day return policy, but underneath the rather cheeky phrase is a genuine question.

Should sexual compatibility be something we discover before making a lifelong commitment?

Because we encourage people to discover compatibility in so many other areas.

Do you want children? Do you want to live in the same place? Do you have compatible financial values? Do you communicate well? Do you want the same kind of lifestyle? Can you resolve conflict? Do you share similar values?

Why, then, is sexual compatibility sometimes treated as the one area where we shouldn’t find out anything until after we’ve made the commitment?

The traditional Christian answer is that sex isn’t simply another compatibility test. It’s part of the covenant.

I understand that.

But as somebody who has explored relationships and sexuality from a therapeutic perspective, I also think we have to acknowledge something uncomfortable:

Two people can love each other deeply and still be sexually incompatible.

…and sadly love doesn’t always magically fix that.

What if the sex doesn’t grow?

We’ve all heard the advice:

“Wait for the right person. If you love each other enough, the sex will develop.”

Sometimes it probably does. Sometimes couples learn each other’s bodies.

They communicate.

They become more confident.

They discover what works.

They become safer with one another and the sexual relationship grows alongside the emotional one.

BUT….. sometimes it doesn’t.

One person may have a much higher libido.

One may want more physical affection.

One may have fantasies the other doesn’t share.

One may be adventurous and the other more reserved.

One may see sex as essential to feeling connected while the other doesn’t.

None of that necessarily means either person is bad.

It means they are human beings with different needs and this is why I think sexual compatibility deserves to be discussed without automatically dismissing it as shallow.

Sex isn’t everything, but for many couples, it is something.

What I believe as a Christian woman

This is where I want to make my own position very clear.

I don’t personally believe that a Christian has to follow exactly the same sexual boundaries as every other Christian. We are all individuals with our own minds, and bodies and opinions, and wow isn’t that what makes the world so great!!

Some Christians believe sex should only happen after marriage.

Some Christians believe that sex can be morally acceptable within a deeply committed relationship even if that relationship isn’t formally married.

Some Christians take a much more conservative interpretation of sexual behaviour.

Others are considerably more liberal.

And I think we can have those disagreements without turning on one another.

Personally, I believe commitment matters enormously.

If I were becoming intimate with somebody now, I wouldn’t want it to be casual in the sense of emotionally meaningless.

I would want trust, I would want to know the person, I would want to feel safe, I would want honesty, I would want mutual attraction, I would want emotional connection and I would want to know that if we became intimate, neither of us was treating the other person as disposable.

That, for me, is where my Christianity and my personal values meet.

Not necessarily in a list of sexual positions.

Not in a rulebook.

But in how I treat another human being. So recently for me, I moved away from celibacy and did have intimacy with someone I genuinely looked at and thought.. there was a genuine chance of a future together. 

Because intimacy creates responsibility

I’ve thought about this particularly recently.

When you become intimate with somebody and then that person pulls away, it can leave you sitting with an enormous amount of confusion.

You can find yourself asking: Was it something I did? Did I misread the connection? Did intimacy mean something different to them? Did I become attached? Did they?

Why did it feel close one minute and distant the next?

And whether you’re Christian or not, there is something we need to remember.

There is another human being on the other side of our choices.

That matters….

If you know that intimacy creates vulnerability, then kindness matters. If you know somebody is becoming emotionally attached, honesty matters. If you know you’re not looking for a relationship, communication matters and if you’ve changed your mind, you are still entitled to change your mind.

But you should do so with kindness.

That’s important to me.

Because consent isn’t just about whether somebody agreed to have sex.

A healthy sexual relationship also involves honesty, respect and consideration for the emotional consequences.

Does God ask us to take responsibility for our choices?

I believe Christianity does.

The Bible repeatedly presents human beings as responsible moral agents.

Paul writes in Romans 14:12 that each person will give an account of themselves to God.

Galatians 6:5 speaks about each person carrying their own load.

Christianity’s concept of repentance only really makes sense if our choices matter.

But here’s the beautiful part.

Christianity doesn’t say:

“You must be perfect.”

It says:

“You are responsible for what you do, and when you get it wrong, there is a path back.”

That’s very different from shame and I think that’s something we sometimes lose.

Guilt doesn’t automatically make us better Christians

There is a difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt says:

“I did something I believe was wrong.”

Shame says:

“There is something fundamentally wrong with me.”

Those are not the same thing.

I don’t believe carrying enormous shame about sexuality automatically makes somebody a better Christian.

The Catholic Catechism itself recognises that when assessing personal responsibility, factors including psychological and social circumstances, anxiety, immaturity and habitual behaviour can affect culpability. (Vatican⁠)

Christianity has a concept called grace for a reason.

If the Christian life were simply about never making a mistake, none of us would stand much of a chance.

Are Christians supposed to have vanilla sex?

This might be my favourite question.

Because where exactly does the Bible say that good Christian sex has to be boring? It doesn’t. There isn’t a biblical list saying:

Missionary: yes.

Oral sex: maybe.

Anal sex: absolutely not.

Role play: consult your priest.

Lights on: questionable.

Lights off: definitely holier.

I’m being deliberately ridiculous here because sometimes we talk about Christian sexuality as though God handed humanity a bedroom instruction manual.

The reality is much more complicated.

The Song of Solomon is one of the Bible’s most sensual books, celebrating physical attraction, desire and erotic love.

Christianity isn’t inherently anti-sex.

Traditional Christianity is actually saying something much more interesting:

Sex is good, but it belongs within a particular moral framework.

The disagreement is about what that framework should be.

What about fantasies?

This is another area where Christians disagree.

Jesus’ teaching about lust in Matthew 5:28 has traditionally been interpreted as an important warning about the internal life of desire.

Catholic teaching, for example, places considerable emphasis on purity of heart, self-mastery and the intention behind sexual desire. (Vatican⁠)

But having a sexual thought isn’t necessarily the same thing as acting upon it.

Human beings have imaginations, we have fantasies, we have curiosity, we have desires that sometimes surprise us.

And perhaps the healthier question isn’t:

“Did I have a sexual thought?”

but:

“What do I choose to do with it?”

There is a world of difference between having a fantasy and exploiting another person. There is a difference between imagination and coercion. There is a difference between two consenting adults exploring their sexuality and somebody being pressured into something they don’t want and those distinctions matter.

What about being sexually adventurous within marriage?

Again, Christians disagree.

Some traditions impose considerably more restrictions on sexual behaviour than others.

Catholic teaching, for example, connects marital sexuality with both its unitive and procreative dimensions and places significant limits around what it considers morally permissible. (Vatican⁠)

Other Christians place greater emphasis on mutual consent, love, fidelity, conscience and the absence of harm.

So I don’t think it is fair to say:

“Christian sex must be vanilla.”

Nor is it fair to say:

“Anything goes because you’re married.”

There are Christians on both sides of that conversation.

..and that’s okay. People are allowed to interpret their faith differently. Everything is always down to those two consenting adults.

Catholicism, Protestantism and the importance of context

This is why I think we have to be careful whenever somebody says:

“Christians believe…”

Which Christians?

The Catholic Church has an authoritative Catechism and a very developed theology of sexuality, chastity and marriage.

Protestant Christianity is much more decentralised.

The Church of England is currently continuing its work on relationships, sexuality and gender following the Living in Love and Faith process.

The Methodist Church has also developed its understanding of marriage and relationships over recent years, explicitly acknowledging different understandings within the Church. Its guidance on relationships has described good relationships in terms including commitment, care and mutuality, while recognising that Christians can hold differing convictions. (The Methodist Church⁠)

That doesn’t mean every Protestant church agrees with every other Protestant church.

Quite the opposite and I think that’s worth celebrating rather than fearing.

What about other cultures and religions?

Christianity isn’t the only religion to have a strong sexual ethic.

Islam places significant emphasis on sex within marriage and discourages premarital sexual relationships.

Judaism has its own rich and varied traditions concerning marriage, intimacy and sexual ethics.

Hindu traditions are diverse, with different philosophical and cultural approaches to sexuality, marriage and desire.

Plus secular societies increasingly tend to frame sexual ethics around consent, autonomy, equality, safety and responsibility rather than religious prohibition.

There isn’t one global human consensus about sex.

There never has been.

Cultures develop different answers because sex sits at the intersection of biology, reproduction, family, religion, morality, identity and social organisation.

So perhaps the question isn’t:

“Which culture has the one perfect answer?”

Perhaps the question is:

“What values do we want our sexual relationships to embody?”

What does modern science tell us?

Science can’t tell us whether God considers premarital sex sinful.

That’s a theological question. However science can tell us about sexual health, relationships and the consequences of different forms of education.

The World Health Organization’s current guidance supports comprehensive sexuality education that includes relationships, consent, bodily autonomy, contraception, pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. It says high-quality comprehensive sexuality education can delay sexual initiation and reduce sexual risk-taking while increasing contraceptive use. It also states that abstinence-only programmes are ineffective at preventing early sexual activity and risk-taking. (World Health Organization⁠)

That doesn’t mean Christians shouldn’t teach abstinence.

If a Christian believes abstinence is part of their faith, they should be free to teach and practise it, but education and personal conviction are two different things.

We can teach young people:

“You don’t have to have sex.”

while also teaching:

“If you do become sexually active, you need to understand consent, contraception, sexual health, boundaries, emotional consequences and respect.”

That’s not undermining morality, That’s responsibility.

Does having sex before marriage make you less of a Christian?

This is perhaps the question underneath all of this.

And I would say:

It depends upon what you mean by “less of a Christian.”

If somebody belongs to a Christian tradition that teaches premarital sex is sinful, then having sex outside marriage would be considered contrary to that teaching.

We shouldn’t pretend otherwise.

But does one sexual decision erase somebody’s faith?

Does it mean they no longer love God?

Does it mean they are incapable of being kind?

Does it mean they cannot repent?

Does it mean they are morally inferior to somebody who has never had sex?

I don’t think we can reduce Christianity to a sexual purity scoreboard.

What actually makes somebody a good person?

This is where I keep coming back to character.

You can be sexually inexperienced and still be cruel.

You can be sexually experienced and incredibly compassionate.

You can be religious and unfaithful.

You can be non-religious and deeply committed.

You can be married and betray somebody.

You can be unmarried and treat someone with extraordinary care.

Sexual history tells us something about a person.

But it doesn’t tell us everything.

And certainly not their worth.

Maybe kindness is the missing piece

Perhaps this is the part I most want to emphasise.

Whether you’re Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, atheist, agnostic or anything else, kindness should matter in our sexual relationships.

If you know somebody is vulnerable, be careful with them.

If you know they are developing feelings, don’t deliberately exploit that.

If you know you’re not available for a relationship, be honest.

If you change your mind, communicate.

If you make a mistake, own it….

If you hurt somebody, don’t hide behind technicalities.

and if somebody hurts you, remember that their behaviour doesn’t determine your worth.

That, to me, feels deeply compatible with Christianity.

Because Christianity is not simply about rules.

It is about how we love one another.

Love, sex and the reality of compatibility

I don’t believe that sex should be treated as the most important part of a relationship, but I also don’t believe we should pretend it doesn’t matter.

For some people, physical intimacy is a central expression of love. For others, it is less important. Neither person is necessarily wrong.

The challenge comes when two people have fundamentally different needs and neither feels able to talk about them. That is where communication becomes so important.

Perhaps we need to teach people that sexual compatibility isn’t about finding somebody who performs perfectly. It is about finding somebody with whom you can communicate.

Somebody who listens, Somebody who respects boundaries, Somebody who can tell you what they like without humiliating you for what you like. Somebody who can hear “no” without taking it personally, Somebody who can say “I don’t know” without feeling ashamed.

And somebody who can say:

“Let’s work this out together.”

Would I abstain from sex until marriage?

Personally?

No.

Not at this stage of my life. I’m 43. I’m an adult woman. I understand my values. I understand consequences. I take responsibility for my choices and I don’t think being Christian means I have to hand over my entire decision-making process to somebody else’s interpretation of Scripture.

That doesn’t mean I have no boundaries.

Quite the opposite.

There are things I would only explore with somebody I deeply trusted. There are things I would only do within a secure, committed relationship. There are things I would say no to regardless of how much I loved somebody and there are things I might say yes to because they felt right for me and the person I was with.

Those decisions would be mine.

And I Kerry, would take responsibility for them.

Perhaps that is what being liberated actually means

Being sexually liberated doesn’t have to mean:

“I will sleep with anybody and do anything.”

It can mean:

“I know myself.”

“I know my boundaries.”

“I know my values.”

“I can make an informed decision.”

“I can say yes without shame.”

“I can say no without guilt.”

“I can change my mind.”

“I can take responsibility for the consequences of my choices.”

And perhaps most importantly:

“I can respect somebody else’s humanity while still honouring my own.”

That’s a very different definition of sexual liberation.

So, is the Bible a bedroom rule book?

Maybe that’s the question we should leave ourselves with, because I don’t think Christianity needs to be afraid of conversations about sex.

I don’t think Christians need to be embarrassed about having sexual desires. I don’t think having fantasies automatically makes somebody dirty. I don’t think a person’s sexual history determines their spiritual worth and I don’t think sexual liberation automatically means moral recklessness.

But equally, I don’t think we should dismiss the traditional Christian sexual ethic as old-fashioned nonsense.

There is something profoundly valuable in the Christian insistence on fidelity, commitment, self-control, responsibility and the dignity of another person.

Those are values I can get behind.

The question is whether those values necessarily require exactly the same sexual rules for every Christian and I don’t think we can answer that honestly without acknowledging that Christians themselves disagree.

Maybe there isn’t one answer

Some Christians will wait until marriage.

Some won’t.

Some will believe sex outside marriage is sinful.

Some will believe that committed, loving relationships can have a moral sexual foundation even without marriage.

Some Christians will have very traditional sexual boundaries.

Others will be much more adventurous.

Some will have no problem with fantasies.

Others will feel uncomfortable with them.

Some will believe that particular sexual practices are wrong.

Others will believe that between consenting adults in a committed relationship, those decisions belong to the couple.

And I think we can disagree.

Actually, I think we should be able to disagree.

Because faith is personal.

Morality is personal.

Values are personal.

And ultimately, each of us has to live with our own decisions.

The Christian sex debate nobody wants to have

Perhaps the question isn’t:

“Are Christians allowed to have sex?”

Perhaps it’s:

“What makes sex loving?”

Is it marriage?

Is it commitment?

Is it consent?

Is it fidelity?

Is it responsibility?

Is it emotional safety?

Is it all of those things?

And perhaps the answer isn’t exactly the same for everyone. I can respect the Christian who chooses abstinence. I can respect the Christian who believes deeply that sex belongs within marriage and I can also respect the Christian who has wrestled with Scripture, thought deeply about their faith and reached a different conclusion.

What I don’t think we need is shame.

What I don’t think we need is judgement.

And what I definitely don’t think we need is the idea that somebody’s sexual choices automatically tell us whether they are a “good” or “bad” Christian.

Because perhaps the more important question is not simply what happened in the bedroom.

Perhaps it’s what happened between two human beings.

Was there honesty?

Was there kindness?

Was there respect?

Was there consent?

Was there responsibility?

Was there care?

Was there love?

Those questions matter to me.

Perhaps they should matter to all of us, regardless of what we believe happens after we die because if Christianity teaches us anything, surely one of the most important lessons is this:

We are responsible for how we love one another.

Perhaps that’s where sex, faith and morality meet.

Not in a perfect bedroom.

Not in a list of rules.

Not in shame.

But in love, responsibility, kindness and the choices we make when another human being has trusted us with something vulnerable.

Is Marriage Dead in 2026? Or Have We Just Forgotten How to Love?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

As I drive past a wedding dress shop today driving to my studio, I look through the window and think, oh my God. I’m in love.

Not necessarily with a particular dress, not even necessarily with the idea of the wedding itself, but with what those dresses represent.

Love.

Commitment.

Romance.

Two people standing in front of the people they love and saying, I choose you.

Not just today, not just while it feels easy, not just while we agree.

But I choose you.

Perhaps that is why I find myself wondering something that feels increasingly uncomfortable to ask in 2026:

Is marriage dead?

I don’t want to believe it is, Actually, I really don’t.

As a Christian woman, I believe in marriage. I believe in the beauty of making a commitment to another person. I believe in getting married in a church, standing before God and making promises that mean something.

I know not everybody believes the same way and that’s absolutely okay, but what I do wonder about is when we collectively started treating commitment as though it were somehow embarrassing.

When did marriage become just a piece of paper?

When did two people declaring their love, respect, dedication and commitment to each other become something we could dismiss with one sentence?

“It’s only a piece of paper.”

Really?

Because that piece of paper represents a promise.

And perhaps the promise is the bit we’ve forgotten how to value.

We don’t want to settle anymore and that’s a good thing.

Let me be clear about something before anybody starts shouting at me. I am not suggesting that people should stay in unhappy, abusive, neglectful or destructive marriages.

Absolutely not.

For generations, people stayed in relationships they should never have been expected to stay in. Women, in particular, were often financially dependent on their husbands, socially pressured to remain married and told that leaving was shameful.

We have every reason to be grateful that things have changed.

You don’t have to stay somewhere that destroys you. You don’t have to tolerate abuse in the name of commitment. You don’t have to spend your life desperately trying to make something work when the other person is unwilling to meet you halfway.

But somewhere between “I don’t have to settle” and “I don’t have to tolerate anything I don’t like”, I wonder whether we’ve lost something.

The ability to try.

Because there is a difference between settling for someone who isn’t right for you and learning how to love someone who isn’t perfect.

And none of us are perfect.

Not you.

Not me.

Not the person sitting opposite you at dinner.

The statistics tell us something is changing

Marriage hasn’t disappeared.

In England and Wales, there were 231,949 marriages and civil partnerships in 2023, with marriage still overwhelmingly the most common form of legal partnership formation. But the longer-term picture shows that marriage is changing. The number of marriages in England and Wales was 20.8% lower in 2022 than it had been in 1992.

And in 2025, married or civil-partnered people were still the largest legal partnership group among adults aged 18 and over in England and Wales, but their share had fallen from 52.3% in 2015 to 51.1%. At the same time, the proportion who had never married or civil partnered had risen from 32.6% to 34.9%. 

So no, marriage isn’t dead, however it isn’t what it once was, and perhaps that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

People are marrying later. In 2023, the median age at marriage for opposite-sex couples was 34.8 for men and 33.0 for women. More than nine in ten couples marrying in 2021 or 2022 were already living together before marriage. 

We’re taking longer, We’re thinking more carefully, We’re choosing differently, but are we also becoming less willing to work at love?

That’s the question I’m interested in.

When did we become a throwaway culture?

I sometimes wonder whether dating has become a little bit like online shopping.

Swipe.

Match.

Message.

Meet.

Evaluate.

Reject.

Next.

There are always more options.

And when there are always more options, why would I work on the one in front of me?

Maybe there’ll be somebody better.

Maybe somebody more attractive.

Maybe somebody more exciting.

Maybe somebody who doesn’t annoy me.

Maybe somebody who agrees with me more.

Maybe somebody who gives me more butterflies.

And so we keep searching.

But here’s the problem.

Eventually, you can become so obsessed with finding the perfect person that you never learn how to build something imperfect with a real one.

You have one disagreement.

“This isn’t going to work.”

They don’t text in exactly the way you want.

“They’re emotionally unavailable.”

You have a difficult conversation.

“We’re incompatible.”

You sleep together sooner than you intended and suddenly the excitement changes.

“I don’t think I’m feeling it anymore.”

And off we go.

Next…Next….Next.

At what point did people become replaceable?

Whatever happened to wooing somebody?

Maybe I’m a traditionalist, actually, I know I am, but I like romance.

I like getting dressed up for a date, I like putting effort into how I look. I like somebody making an effort with me and no, before anybody says it, I’m not talking about wanting somebody to pay for my dinner.

I’ll happily pay fifty-fifty.

It’s not about getting a free meal.

It’s about effort.

It’s about anticipation.

It’s getting ready and wondering what they’re going to wear.

It’s butterflies in your stomach.

It’s sitting across from someone and talking over each other because you’ve got so much to say.

It’s losing track of time.

It’s that moment when they reach across the table and touch your hand.

It’s smiling when their name appears on your phone.

It’s going home thinking, Oh my God, I really like them.

It’s being giddy.

Perhaps we’ve become so afraid of looking foolish that we’ve stopped allowing ourselves to be romantic.

We don’t want to seem too keen.

Don’t reply too quickly.

Don’t text first.

Don’t show too much interest.

Don’t get attached.

Don’t let them know you like them.

Don’t give them too much power.

Keep your options open.

And suddenly two people who genuinely like each other are both sitting there pretending they couldn’t care less.

What a strange way to fall in love.

The 20-minute coffee date

And this is where modern dating really makes me laugh.

“Let’s just grab a quick coffee.”

Twenty minutes.

Thirty minutes.

Something casual.

Something easy.

No pressure.

No effort.

No risk.

And I understand why people do it.

Dating can be exhausting.

Nobody wants to spend three hours with someone they discover they don’t like. I sometimes wonder whether we’ve become so frightened of wasting our time that we’re not giving people enough time to show us who they are. What can you really learn about somebody in twenty minutes?

You might learn whether they are attractive to you.

You might learn whether conversation flows.

You might get a feeling.

But you probably haven’t seen how they treat the waiter.

You haven’t heard them talk about their childhood.

You haven’t discovered what makes them laugh until they can’t breathe.

You haven’t seen how they respond when something doesn’t go their way.

You haven’t heard their hopes.

You haven’t seen their vulnerability.

You haven’t watched them become comfortable enough to stop performing.

And maybe that’s the problem.

We’re assessing people before we’ve actually met them.

And then there’s sex

This is another area where I think we’ve complicated dating enormously.

Two people meet.

There’s chemistry.

They sleep together.

And suddenly the rules change.

The dopamine rush settles.

The chase disappears.

And instead of asking:

“Who is this person?”

we sometimes start asking:

“Why did they sleep with me so quickly?”

Or:

“Why didn’t they make me wait?”

Or:

“Do they do this with everyone?”

And suddenly we’re judging the person based on the speed at which intimacy happened.

But what about everything else they’ve shown you?

Are they kind?

Are they funny?

Are they honest?

Are they emotionally generous?

Do they listen?

Do they make you feel safe?

Do they have integrity?

Do they show up?

Do they treat people well?

Are they interesting?

Do they make you laugh?

Do they make you feel like yourself?

Why can one decision about sex suddenly erase everything else?

I’m not saying people shouldn’t have boundaries.

Of course they should.

I’m saying that perhaps we’ve become very good at reducing complicated human beings to one decision, one mistake, one night or one moment.

And then we discard them.

The divorce paradox

Here’s the really interesting part.

In England and Wales, the divorce rate actually peaked decades ago.

ONS data shows that divorce numbers reached their highest point in 1993, while the longer-term divorce rate has since declined. In 2023, there were 102,678 divorces, with the divorce rate at 8.6 per 1,000 married men and 8.5 per 1,000 married women. 

So perhaps the story isn’t simply that everyone is getting divorced. It’s more complicated than that. Marriage itself is less common. 

People marry later. 

More people cohabit.

More people remain unmarried.

And when people do marry, they have more legal and social freedom to leave relationships that aren’t working.

That’s progress in many ways.

But perhaps we now have a different problem.

Not “Why can’t I leave?”

But:

“Do I leave too quickly?”

There’s a huge difference.

The other side of the world

I was curious about what this looks like elsewhere too, particularly because so many people who read my work are in America and China.

And what I found was fascinating.

China isn’t some romantic haven where everyone stays together forever.

Quite the opposite.

Marriage rates have been falling significantly there too. In the first half of 2024, 3.43 million couples registered marriages, the lowest first-half figure since 2013. Full-year 2024 registrations subsequently fell by around a fifth, according to reporting based on official Chinese data. Researchers and officials have pointed to factors including the cost of marriage and raising children, economic uncertainty, demographic change and shifting attitudes among younger people. 

Japan is experiencing its own dramatic changes.

Its government has become sufficiently concerned about declining marriage and birth rates that Tokyo has even developed initiatives designed to help people meet potential partners, including an AI-supported matchmaking service. Reuters reported that the initiative was launched against a backdrop of declining marriage rates and a significant number of unmarried middle-aged people and young adults who had never dated. 

And America?

Again, it isn’t a simple story.

The US marriage rate has remained relatively stable over the longer period examined by the Census Bureau, while its divorce rate has declined substantially from 2008 to 2022. 

So we can’t simply point at another country and say, “They value relationships more than we do.”

Human beings are complicated.

Culture matters.

Economics matter.

Religion matters.

Gender expectations matter.

Housing matters.

Childcare matters.

Dating apps matter.

And people’s individual experiences matter.

But there is one thing that seems to be happening across many developed societies:

Marriage and long-term relationships are changing.

Have we confused standards with perfection?

This is where I think we need to be really honest with ourselves. Having standards is healthy, having boundaries is healthy, knowing what you won’t tolerate is healthy, however there is a danger in turning a list of standards into a search for a flawless human being.

Because eventually, somebody will disappoint you.

They’ll say the wrong thing.

They’ll have a bad day.

They’ll misunderstand you.

They’ll irritate you.

You’ll irritate them.

You’ll disagree.

You’ll have different needs.

You’ll have an argument.

And that’s when the relationship actually begins.

Because the first few months of dating aren’t really a test of whether you can get along. You’re both on your best behaviour.

The real test is what happens when the fantasy meets reality.

Do we communicate?

Do we apologise?

Do we listen?

Do we compromise?

Do we seek counselling?

Do we learn about attachment?

Do we understand each other’s wounds?

Do we take responsibility for our own behaviour?

Do we try to become better partners?

Or do we simply decide that the person is defective and start looking for a replacement?

What if the person isn’t the problem?

This is something I think we desperately need to talk about.

Sometimes the person in front of you isn’t wrong for you.

Sometimes you aren’t ready for what a healthy relationship requires.

Maybe you’ve spent years protecting yourself.

Maybe intimacy scares you.

Maybe you’re avoidant.

Maybe you’re anxious.

Maybe you’ve never learned how to communicate.

Maybe conflict sends you running.

Maybe you expect rejection.

Maybe you’ve never seen a healthy relationship modelled.

Maybe you don’t know how to receive love.

Maybe you’ve never learned how to give it properly.

And none of those things make you broken.

But they might mean you have work to do.

And imagine if instead of saying:

“This relationship isn’t working.”

we sometimes said:

“What can I learn from this?”

What if we went to therapy?

What if we learned to communicate?

What if we confronted our own patterns?

What if we became a better version of ourselves, not because somebody demanded it, but because we genuinely wanted to love somebody well?

That isn’t settling.

That’s growth.

Perhaps we’ve become too good at protecting ourselves

We talk a lot about self-protection now.

Protect your peace.

Protect your energy.

Don’t let anybody disturb your peace.

Cut them off.

Block them.

Walk away.

And sometimes that advice is absolutely necessary.

But if we take it too literally, we can end up building such a fortress around ourselves that nobody can get in.

And then we wonder why we’re lonely.

You cannot have deep intimacy without vulnerability.

You cannot have commitment without risk.

You cannot build a lifelong relationship without occasionally being disappointed.

And you certainly cannot love somebody without sometimes being hurt.

The answer isn’t to avoid every possible source of pain.

The answer is learning how to recognise the difference between normal relationship difficulty and genuine harm.

One requires communication.

The other may require leaving.

We need to know the difference.

I still believe in the wedding dress

So when I drive past that wedding dress shop and look at those beautiful dresses, I don’t feel silly for getting a little bit emotional.

I still believe in it.

I believe in the romance.

I believe in getting dressed up.

I believe in flowers.

I believe in walking down the aisle.

I believe in holding someone’s hand and promising to stand beside them.

I believe in marriage.

And as a Christian, I believe there is something deeply meaningful about making that commitment before God.

But I also believe the wedding is the easy bit.

The photographs are easy.

The flowers are easy.

The dress is easy.

The champagne is easy.

The Instagram post is easy.

The marriage is the work.

It’s waking up beside someone when you’re annoyed with them and choosing kindness anyway.

It’s having the difficult conversation.

It’s saying sorry.

It’s forgiving.

It’s asking for help.

It’s learning.

It’s changing.

It’s laughing when things go wrong.

It’s holding each other when life becomes unbearable.

It’s choosing each other again and again.

Not because you have to.

Because you want to.

Maybe marriage isn’t dead. Maybe patience is.

Perhaps marriage isn’t dead in 2026.

Perhaps patience is.

Perhaps we’ve become so accustomed to instant gratification that we’ve forgotten that the most beautiful things in life often take time.

We want instant chemistry.

Instant certainty.

Instant compatibility.

Instant answers.

Instant happiness.

And the moment something becomes difficult, we’re told there is another option waiting around the corner.

But what if there isn’t?

What if the person you walked away from was actually wonderful?

What if the argument could have been repaired?

What if the relationship could have grown?

What if you hadn’t needed another person?

What if you needed to become a different version of yourself?

And I’m not saying this because I think everybody should stay in every relationship. I’m saying it because I think we should become more honest about our own behaviour. Before you decide they’re the problem, ask yourself what part you played. Before you decide they’re not right for you, ask yourself whether you’ve actually given the relationship a chance. Before you walk away, ask yourself whether you’re walking away because the relationship is genuinely wrong for you…

or because intimacy is frightening.

Because commitment is frightening.

Because vulnerability is frightening.

Because you’ve been hurt before.

Because another person cannot give you the perfect relationship you imagined and before you start looking for somebody better, ask yourself whether you’re actually capable of loving the person in front of you.

Because perhaps the greatest tragedy of modern dating isn’t that there are no good people left.

Perhaps it’s that good people are finding each other and then throwing each other away before they’ve had the chance to become something extraordinary.

And maybe, just maybe, we need to start trying again.

We need to court again.

We need to woo again.

We need to make an effort again.

We need to put our phones down and talk.

We need to dress up.

We need to flirt.

We need to hold hands.

We need to let ourselves get butterflies.

We need to stop pretending we don’t care.

We need to learn how to disagree without destroying everything.

We need to stop expecting perfect people.

And perhaps we need to remember that love isn’t just a feeling that happens to us.

Love is something we participate in.

Something we nurture.

Something we protect.

Something we build.

Something we choose.

And maybe that’s why I still look at wedding dresses and think:

Oh my God.

I’m in love.

Not because I believe marriage guarantees happiness.

But because I still believe there is something incredibly beautiful about two imperfect human beings looking at each other and saying:

“Out of everyone in this world, I choose you.”

And then waking up the next morning…

and choosing each other again.

And again.

And again.

Maybe marriage isn’t dead.

Maybe we just need to remember why we wanted it in the first place.

When Success Meets Love: Do High Achieving Men Have Room for Relationships?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Exploring communication, ambition, emotional availability, marriage, children and the difference between being busy and having relationship capacity

Why do high achieving men struggle with relationships? Explore ambition, communication, emotional availability, marriage, children and relationship capacity.

There is a particular kind of dating confusion that can happen when you meet a highly successful man.

He works hard, he travels, he has a demanding career, he has meetings, dinners, networking events, friends, family, the gym, projects, responsibilities and a diary that appears to have been organised by someone with a personal vendetta against free time.

He is ambitious. Driven, Successful, Independent… and then there is you.

Waiting for the good morning text…Wondering why there wasn’t a goodnight message.

Looking at your phone and thinking:

He said he’d call. Then, at 10.47pm:

“Sorry, just got in. Crazy day.” And you think:

Is he genuinely that busy? Does he actually like me? Is this just what successful men are like? Am I expecting too much?

Or does he simply not have the capacity for a relationship?

This is where dating becomes less about reading messages and more about understanding behaviour, because being busy and being emotionally unavailable are not necessarily the same thing.

However sometimes, they can look remarkably similar…

High achievement does not automatically equal relationship capacity

We often make assumptions about successful people. If someone has built a successful company, developed an impressive career, accumulated wealth, travelled the world or reached a senior position, we can unconsciously assume they must also be highly emotionally intelligent and capable in relationships. However career competence and relationship competence are different skill sets.

Someone can be exceptional at business and struggle with intimacy. Someone can be brilliant at negotiation and terrible at expressing feelings. Someone can manage a team of hundreds of people and struggle to communicate consistently with one person they are dating. Someone can be incredibly disciplined professionally and chaotic romantically.

Achievement tells us something about what someone can accomplish.

It does not necessarily tell us how much emotional space they have available for another person.

And that distinction matters.

Is it a London thing?

Let’s get this out of the way.

It is not that London men are genetically incapable of sending a text.

Although sometimes, after dating for a while, you might reasonably begin to wonder. London has a particular rhythm.

Fast careers, Long working hours, Commuting, Client dinners, Networking, Travel, Property, Finance, Law, Entrepreneurship, Corporate life and Social commitments. There are people who genuinely work extraordinarily long hours, but there is another cultural element too.

Some highly successful people become exceptionally good at functional communication.

They can negotiate a multimillion pound deal.

They can manage a team.

They can organise a property development.

They can coordinate ten people across three countries.

But ask:

“How are you feeling about us?”

And suddenly the WiFi goes down.

Functional communication is easy.

“Meeting at seven.”

“I’m in Manchester.”

“Can’t do Thursday.”

“Call you tomorrow.”

Relational communication requires something different. It requires curiosity, vulnerability, consistency, emotional presence… And some people have simply never developed those muscles.

A high achieving man can still make room for connection

This is the bit I think women sometimes need reminding of.

A genuinely busy man can still send:

“Morning you. Crazy day today, but I’ll call you tonight.”

That takes seconds.

Or:

“Just got home and I’m absolutely shattered. Hope you’ve had a lovely day. Sleep well.”

Again, seconds.

Communication is not necessarily about having hours available.

It is about making room for connection within the time you actually have.A person does not need to be permanently attached to their phone to demonstrate interest, but they do need to demonstrate that the relationship exists somewhere within their priorities.

That is the difference…

There is a difference between being busy and being unavailable

A busy but emotionally available person might say:

“I’ve got a manic day today, but I’ll call you tonight.”

And then they call.

They might not message constantly, but they keep you informed.

They make plans.

They follow through.

They remember things you’ve told them.

They show curiosity about your life.

They don’t leave you perpetually guessing.

Someone with very little relationship capacity may look different.

They disappear for long periods.

Plans remain vague.

You initiate most of the contact.

They repeatedly cancel.

Communication happens when it suits them.

You receive affection in bursts rather than consistency… and you find yourself spending more time interpreting their behaviour than actually enjoying the relationship.

That’s exhausting.

The real issue may be consistency

We often ask:

“Does he like me?”

But perhaps the better question is:

“Is he consistent?”

Because someone can absolutely like you and still be a terrible communicator. Someone can be hugely attracted to you and still not have the emotional bandwidth to build a relationship. Someone can think you’re wonderful and still have a lifestyle that leaves no meaningful space for intimacy and someone can communicate brilliantly in the beginning because they are pursuing you, only to become inconsistent once the initial excitement settles.

So communication frequency is not necessarily the measure of interest.

Consistency, initiative and follow through are much more revealing.

A man does not have to text you every hour.

He does not need to report his movements.

He does not have to be permanently attached to his phone.

But you should be able to understand the rhythm of his communication.

You should not constantly be wondering where you stand.

Does he actually have relationship capacity?

This, for me, is the more interesting question.

We talk endlessly about whether somebody is attractive enough, successful enough, funny enough, wealthy enough, interesting enough or compatible enough.

But what about capacity?

Someone can have enormous financial capacity.

Career capacity.

Social capacity.

Sexual capacity.

And still have very little relationship capacity.

A person can be extraordinarily successful and genuinely have almost nothing left emotionally by the end of the day.

That does not make them a bad person, It does not mean they do not care. However it may mean they are not currently able to offer the kind of relationship another person needs. You cannot create emotional availability for somebody else. You cannot love someone into having more capacity. You cannot become sufficiently attractive, interesting or sexually compatible to manufacture time and emotional bandwidth that simply is not there.

And then there is the question we do not always want to ask

Is it because he does not like me enough?

Sometimes, yes.

But not always.

And I think this is where dating advice can become unnecessarily simplistic.

“If he wanted to, he would.”

It is catchy.

It is also not always true.

Adults have jobs.

Children.

Businesses.

Families.

Responsibilities.

Travel.

Stress.

Life.

People can care deeply about someone and still be inconsistent communicators, but the reverse is also true. Someone can tell you they are incredibly interested while giving you very little actual relationship behaviour. That is why words alone are not enough.

Look at the pattern.

Do not become a detective

This is perhaps one of the most emotionally draining parts of modern dating. You start analysing everything. He did not say good morning.

Why?

He normally calls at lunchtime.

He did not today.

Is he losing interest?

He said he was working late.

Was he really?

He has been online.

Why has he not replied?

He sent a heart yesterday and nothing today.

What does that mean?

Suddenly you are not dating anymore.

You are conducting an investigation.

And if you spend more time analysing someone’s communication than experiencing their companionship, something needs to change.

Not necessarily because they are doing something terrible.

But because the relationship is creating too much uncertainty.

Intermittent communication can become strangely powerful

There is another psychological reason inconsistent communication can feel so consuming. When attention and reassurance arrive unpredictably, they can become disproportionately attention grabbing.

One day there is affection, attention and connection.

Then silence.

Then a lovely message.

Then distance.

Then suddenly they are intensely interested again.

That unpredictability can make the connection feel more significant rather than less.

You start waiting for the next little hit of reassurance and that can create a cycle where you are constantly monitoring the relationship. This is why consistency matters so much.

Healthy connection does not need to be relentless.

It needs to be predictable enough that your nervous system is not constantly asking whether you are safe in the relationship.

What about the good morning and goodnight texts?

I love this conversation because people sometimes dismiss these things as needy.

They are not inherently needy.

They are preferences.

Some people genuinely enjoy little moments of contact throughout the day.

A good morning message.

A quick call.

A goodnight text.

A little:

“Thinking of you.”

Those things can create a feeling of continuity.

Other people do not naturally communicate that way.

Neither person is automatically wrong.

The question is whether their communication styles are compatible.

You do not need somebody who communicates exactly like you.

But you probably do need somebody whose communication style does not leave you chronically deprived.

High achievement can create a very autonomous lifestyle

There is something else worth considering. The more successful someone’s life becomes, the more independent it can become. They may be used to making their own decisions.

Controlling their diary.

Travelling when they want.

Working when they want.

Living where they want.

Spending their money how they want.

Managing their own environment.

That independence can be wonderful.

But relationships require something slightly different.

They require consideration.

Negotiation.

Compromise.

Flexibility.

Making decisions with another person’s needs in mind.

The question is not whether a successful man should give up his independence.

Of course he should not.

The question is whether he has learned how to integrate another person into an already highly autonomous life.

Because a relationship is not simply adding another person to your existing lifestyle. At some point, two lives have to begin making room for each other.

High achievement does not equal emotional maturity

This is another trap in dating. We can unconsciously assume that because someone is successful, intelligent, wealthy or highly accomplished, they must also be emotionally sophisticated.

Not necessarily.

Someone can run a successful business and struggle with intimacy.

Someone can be brilliant at negotiation and terrible at expressing feelings.

Someone can be highly disciplined professionally and chaotic romantically.

Someone can have enormous ambition and very little emotional availability.

Oh and sometimes, the very qualities that helped someone become successful can make relationships more challenging…

Drive can become workaholism.

Independence can become emotional distance.

Confidence can become an unwillingness to compromise.

A packed diary can become a life where nobody else really fits.

None of these things are inevitable.

But they are worth noticing.

If marriage and children are the goal, when do you make room for them?

There is another part of this conversation that we do not talk about enough.

What happens when a highly successful man reaches his 40s and says:

“I want to get married.”

“I want a wife.”

“I want children.”

Those are wonderful ambitions.

But if they are genuinely important, they cannot remain permanently in the category of “one day.”because relationships take time.

You do not simply meet someone on Tuesday, decide you want marriage on Wednesday and have a family by Friday.

You have to meet.

Date.

Get to know one another.

Work out whether your values align.

Discover whether you communicate well.

Establish sexual and emotional compatibility.

Navigate differences.

Build trust.

Develop commitment.

For couples who want children, there is another reality that needs to be acknowledged.

Fertility is not completely under our control.

Female fertility declines with age, particularly from the mid 30s onwards, and fertility difficulties become more common as women get older. That does not mean women in their 40s cannot have healthy pregnancies. They absolutely can. It does not mean every couple will experience fertility difficulties either.

But it does mean that fertility should not be treated as an unlimited resource that can simply be dealt with later.

This is where I think some high achieving men may need to have a more honest conversation with themselves. If you genuinely want marriage and children, when are you going to create the space for the relationship that could lead to them?

Because waiting until your mid 40s and then assuming:

“I’ll just find a younger woman.”

is not necessarily the straightforward solution people imagine.

Firstly, the woman has to want you.

Secondly, she has to want the same kind of relationship.

Thirdly, your values and lifestyles need to align.

Fourthly, she has to want children with you.

And fifthly, you still have to build an actual relationship.

Age does not magically manufacture compatibility.

A younger woman is not a fertility strategy. She is a person.

She has her own ambitions.

Her own timeline.

Her own relationship history.

Her own standards.

Her own hopes for marriage and family.

And she gets to decide whether the life someone is offering is one she wants.

This is not about blaming men for prioritising their careers

Ambition is not a problem, Success is not a problem. Wanting financial security before having children is not a problem. Building a career before settling down is not a problem.

The issue is whether the life you are building leaves room for the life you say you want.

If marriage and children are genuinely important, then partnership needs to become part of the architecture of your life rather than something you hope will somehow fit into the leftover space.

And there is an uncomfortable irony here.

Some highly successful men spend their 30s and early 40s building extraordinary careers, businesses, wealth and independence, while telling themselves that relationships and family can be prioritised later.

Then later arrives.

And suddenly they discover that dating is not an Amazon Prime catalogue where you simply select the age bracket you would like delivered to your door.

There are real human beings involved.

Women have their own ambitions.

Their own children or desire for children.

Their own fertility considerations.

Their own relationship histories.

Their own standards.

And they get to decide whether the life someone is offering is one they want.

And women have agency too

This conversation is not about telling women to wait patiently for a successful man to eventually decide he is ready.

We are allowed to ask questions.

What are you actually looking for?

Do you want marriage?

Do you want children?

What kind of timeline do you have in mind?

Do you actually have the capacity to build that relationship?

Those are not unreasonable questions when two adults are dating with serious intentions.

We do not have to be endlessly understanding of someone’s career while quietly putting our own needs on hold.

We do not have to become the easiest woman in the world to accommodate.

And we do not have to pretend that our time, our emotional energy and our hopes for the future are somehow less important because someone else’s career is impressive.

You cannot build a family with someone’s potential

This might be one of the most important lessons in the entire conversation. You cannot build a relationship with someone’s potential. You cannot build a marriage with what someone says they will eventually become. You cannot build a family with a future version of someone who might one day have more time.

You build it with the person who is actually showing up.

That does not mean someone needs to have everything figured out before they meet you…None of us do.

But there needs to be evidence that they are capable of creating space for the life they say they want.

So how do you know whether there is room for you?

Perhaps not by counting texts.

Perhaps not by analysing how quickly he responds.

Perhaps not by deciding that three hours without a reply means he has lost interest.

Look at the broader pattern.

Does he make plans?

Does he keep them?

Does he communicate when plans change?

Does he check in?

Does he remember?

Does he call when he says he will?

Does he ask questions?

Does he listen?

Does he show curiosity about your life?

Does he make space?

And perhaps most importantly:

Do you feel like a person he is building a life around, or an appointment he is fitting into one?There is a huge difference.

You do not need to win a place in someone’s diary

I think this is perhaps the biggest lesson. When we are attracted to someone who is highly successful, it can be easy to start treating their availability as a prize.

He gave me Thursday.

He called me.

He’s fitting me in.

He’s finally got some time.

But a relationship should not permanently feel like you are trying to secure an appointment.

You do not need to compete with someone’s career.

You do not need to become the easiest woman in the world to accommodate.

You do not need to suppress your needs so you do not look demanding.

You need to discover whether there is mutual room.

Because ultimately, relationships are not built from spare time.

They are built from intentional time.

And perhaps this is the real question

Not:

“Is he busy?”

Not:

“Does he like me?”

Not even:

“Why doesn’t he text more?”

But:

“Does this person have the capacity to build the kind of relationship I actually want?”

Because a man can be wonderful.

He can be successful, kind, attractive, funny, interesting, ambitious and driven.

He can genuinely like you…And still not have the capacity to give you the consistency and communication you need.

That does not necessarily make him wrong.. And girl, it does not make you needy.

It may simply mean your lives, expectations and emotional rhythms do not fit and that is something worth discovering early, because the goal of dating is not to convince somebody to make room for you.

It is to find out whether there is naturally enough room for both of you.

And sometimes, the most useful piece of information a person gives you is not what they say.

It is the pattern of what they repeatedly do.

Late Autism diagnosis in Women; Why Autistic women are so often misdiagnosed

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

I was speaking to a psychiatrist today, and it got me thinking about how many women reach their 30s and 40s before anyone realises they are autistic.

For decades, their difficulties may have been labelled as anxiety.

Depression, PTSD, being “too sensitive”, Being “overly emotional”, Being difficult, being unable to cope and sometimes, they are simply given antidepressants and sent on their way.

“Why is everything so overwhelming?”

Not just:

“Are you anxious?”

But:

“What has your relationship with the world, people and change always been like?”

Not just:

“Why can’t you move on from this relationship?”

But:

“What exactly is your brain trying to process about what happened?”

Because sometimes the woman who has spent her entire life wondering why she finds everything so much harder than everybody else isn’t broken.

She isn’t lazy, she isn’t dramatic, she isn’t anxious, she isn’t a recluse and She isn’t too sensitive.

She may simply have spent decades trying to navigate a world that wasn’t designed around the way her brain works and for some women, an autism diagnosis in their 30s or 40s isn’t discovering something new.

It’s finally being given an explanation for a lifetime of things that never quite made sense, and a final chance to understand their selves as a whole. 

For me personally, getting my own diagnosis was a long and difficult process. For a long time, I had essentially been written off as ADHD, but I always felt that there were parts of me that didn’t quite fit that explanation. I felt that so many of my traits were much more aligned with autism, but getting someone to actually look at the bigger picture wasn’t straightforward. 

There were several assessments, a lot of questioning and a lot of trying to make sense of things I’d experienced throughout my life. Then, finally, I got my autism diagnosis, and I cried, because these two Doctors understood everything and said what I was experiencing was just ‘My way’ and that I had been putting up a fight all my life, to conform to a Neurotypical world. 

What surprised me most wasn’t just receiving the diagnosis itself, but how much my understanding of autism changed afterwards. I had always associated the word “autism” with disability and, if I’m completely honest, I had my own stigma around it. It wasn’t until my son was diagnosed that I started looking at autism differently and becoming much more accepting of it. 

Then, when I began to understand my own autism, I started seeing the benefits too. I started understanding that my brain isn’t wrong , it simply works differently. It helped me look back at my life and understand why I’ve always been different, why I’ve always been quirky, why I’ve always had this intensity to me, why I experience emotions so deeply and why certain things that seem completely ordinary to other people can feel overwhelming to me. 

I realised why so many past lovers, had always said I become utterly fixated in the bedroom, ‘I apparently get a look in my eyes and I don’t focus on how I look, or bull shit, I’m just completely in the Sex Zone’, and this is actually down to Monotropism, where Autistic attention can become extremely  concentrated on one thing. In an intimate situation, that intense focus can mean you’re completely in the experience, rather than simultaneously thinking about how you’re appearing, what you should be doing next, or what your partner thing, and it’s one of the only times an autistic brain can be silenced, and become quiet because the intensity in sex in which you’re engaged in becomes the only thing your senses want. 

Now Monotropism doesn’t mean every Autistic woman is passionate or sexually responsive, but emotional responses, intense attraction, becoming absorbed, fixations and experiences sensory experiences different, is a high of intensity, and many of the Neurotypical people you’re Intimate with can be totally mind blown or on the other hand often intimidated.

So, whilst this doesn’t mean Autistic women can be better in bed, it just means, autistic women can experience intimacy, attraction and sensory experiences more intensely.

With my diagnosis, it even made me reconsider things people have said to me throughout my life. My child’s father, for example, would often tell me that I “lead with emotion and not logic.” Friends have said things to me that I don’t necessarily believe they intended to be hurtful, but I couldn’t understand why they were saying them because I genuinely assumed that people thought in the same way I did. I couldn’t comprehend why they couldn’t see things the way I could, just as they couldn’t comprehend why I saw things so differently. 

I think that’s one of the biggest misunderstandings between neurotypical and neurodivergent people: we can look at the same situation through completely different neurological lenses and assume the other person is simply being difficult, irrational, intense or weird. They’re not necessarily being any of those things. Their brain may simply be processing the world differently. My diagnosis has given me a completely different way of understanding myself. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” I’m learning to ask, “Why does my brain work this way?” And that shift has been enormous for me.

But what if we started looking at the whole picture?

What if we asked questions about how that woman has actually experienced life from childhood onwards?

Did she always prefer having one really close friend, rather than a big group?

Did having one person she trusted make friendships feel much easier?

Did she always prefer staying at home rather than going out?

Did social situations exhaust her, even when she seemed perfectly capable of handling them?

Did she become overwhelmed incredibly easily?

Did she struggle when plans changed?

Did she retreat from the world when everything became too much?

Did she spend enormous amounts of time thinking about decisions, analysing every possible outcome and then struggle to actually make the decision?

Did she have intense interests or become completely absorbed in particular subjects?

Did she repeatedly buy books, research things obsessively or become fixated on a new interest?

Did she experience a profound sense of injustice when something felt unfair?

And perhaps most interestingly…

Did she struggle to let go of people, situations or relationships that she felt had treated her unfairly? Because.. stop the press, this is something I think deserves far more understanding and discussing!!

There are women who become completely consumed by an ex-partner, a baby father, a friendship breakdown or a relationship that ended years ago, for what seems like most of their lives…

And their friends might say:

“Why are you still talking about him?”

“You need to let it go.”

“He’s moved on. Why haven’t you?”

But sometimes it isn’t simply that the woman is “hung up” on somebody.

There can also be a difference in how an autistic woman processes the ending of a relationship. If someone sits down with her, explains clearly that they don’t want to continue the relationship, gives her a reason and there is some sense of closure, she may actually be able to accept it, even if it hurts deeply. But when somebody suddenly disappears, ends things without explanation, changes their behaviour overnight, cheats or leaves her with unanswered questions, it can be much harder to process. The brain can get stuck on the why. What happened? What changed? What did I miss? Why wasn’t I told? Why wasn’t I given the opportunity to understand? And that unresolved sense of injustice or lack of closure can become something she keeps returning to. It isn’t necessarily that she wants the person back, it can be that she simply cannot make sense of what happened. 

For some autistic women, when something doesn’t have a logical ending, the mind can keep trying to solve it long after the relationship itself has ended. Sometimes there is a combination of fixation, emotional intensity, difficulty processing an unresolved situation and a powerful sense of injustice.

If something doesn’t make sense to her, if she believes she has been treated unfairly, or if there are unanswered questions, her brain may continue returning to it.

Not because she necessarily wants the person back. Not because she is deliberately dwelling on it, but because her brain hasn’t reached a sense of resolution and this is where autism can sometimes be misunderstood. 

That doesn’t mean every woman who struggles to move on from an ex is autistic. It doesn’t mean every woman with anxiety is autistic. It doesn’t mean every woman who stays at home, overthinks, feels overwhelmed or experiences relationship difficulties is autistic.

But there is a growing recognition that autistic women can present very differently from the stereotypical picture of autism , particularly women who have spent their lives masking, adapting and trying desperately to appear as though everything is fine.

They can become incredibly good at functioning.

Until they aren’t.

They can hold everything together until the demands of life become too much.

Then they may experience burnout, shutdown, anxiety, depression or what looks like an inability to cope.

And because the autism underneath it hasn’t been recognised, the treatment focuses on the symptoms rather than understanding the underlying reason for them. So, they get fed anti-depressants, higher dose, after higher dose, this tablet, that tablet, and still they feel the same… 

So perhaps we need to start asking different questions.

Not just:

“Are you depressed?”

But:

“Why is everything so overwhelming?”

Not just:

“Are you anxious?”

But:

“What has your relationship with the world, people and change always been like?”

Not just:

“Why can’t you move on from this relationship?”

But:

“What exactly is your brain trying to process about what happened?”

Because sometimes the woman who has spent her entire life wondering why she finds everything so much harder than everybody else isn’t broken.

She isn’t lazy.

She isn’t dramatic.

She isn’t too sensitive.

She may simply have spent decades trying to navigate a world that wasn’t designed around the way her brain works.

For some autistic women, social situations can involve a constant awareness of social conformity and how they are being perceived. A woman might be walking into the playground to pick up her child while her mind is already running through a hundred questions: 

Do I fit in here?

Does that mum like me?

Have I said something wrong?

Why aren’t they talking to me?

Do they think I’m strange? 

She might walk into a Pilates class and instinctively choose a place at the back, not because she doesn’t want to participate, but because she isn’t sure how she will be received or whether she might embarrass herself. This constant monitoring can make ordinary social situations exhausting. 

There can also be a tendency to analyse relationships and social dynamics very deeply, noticing changes in people’s tone, behaviour or body language and trying to work out what they mean. Forming friendships can also be different. Rather than wanting a large social circle, some autistic women may feel much more comfortable with one or two deep, trusted friendships where there is less need to constantly work out the rules of the group. Learning to step back from social conformity can sometimes help: instead of asking “Do these people like me?”, it can be more useful to ask “What do these people actually bring to my life, and how relevant are their opinions to me?” That shift doesn’t necessarily remove social awareness , autistic women can be extremely perceptive about other people, however it can help separate noticing someone’s reaction from feeling responsible for it. Someone else’s opinion doesn’t have to determine how a woman feels about herself, and she doesn’t have to change who she is simply to fit into a social environment. I learned long ago to look at people and think ‘What fucking joy do you bring to my lovely life’ – and most of the time it was Fuck all!! So what relevance do these people have, does it even matter if they like you or not, their judgement is on them, and not you. You be you, and realise you don’t need everyone to like you in this life, you are beautiful and just wired differently.

And for some women, an autism diagnosis in their 30s or 40s isn’t discovering something new.

It’s finally being given an explanation for a lifetime of things that never quite made sense.

Why Are Some Men Intimidated by Sexually Confident Women?

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Through My Own Lens

Relationships, intimacy and confidence are deeply personal, and no two people experience them in exactly the same way. As I’ve grown older, I’ve found myself reflecting on how my own relationship with sex, confidence and femininity has evolved. Along the way, I’ve noticed certain patterns through my own experiences and through conversations with therapy clients. This isn’t about speaking for all men or all women. It’s simply an honest reflection of what I’ve observed, what I’ve lived, and the questions I’ve found myself asking.

Perhaps you’ll recognise some of it. Perhaps your experiences have been completely different. Either way, I hope it encourages a conversation about intimacy, confidence and the way we connect with one another.

For years I saw myself as quite submissive.

I like being feminine. I enjoy looking after myself, my child and my home. In a relationship I naturally fall into a softer role, and in the bedroom I always assumed I was more submissive too, it always felt natural.

But something has changed in that as I have got older.

Not because I became more dominant, god no, not because I suddenly became someone different. I think simply became more comfortable in my own skin.

The way I experience intimacy in my forties is completely different to how I experienced it in my twenties and thirties. Back then, like many women, there was always a little voice in my head.

Do I look okay?

Should I move like this?

Am I attractive enough?

Looking back, I wasn’t fully present. I think many women have sex while carrying insecurities into the room with them. Sometimes we’re performing without even realising it. We become so focused on pleasing someone else that we forget intimacy should also be something we experience for ourselves. As I’ve healed, grown, lost weight, become healthier and far more accepting of my own body, something shifted.

I don’t hide anymore, I don’t overthink, I feel completely at home in my own skin.

Ironically, that’s when I started noticing something unexpected.

Some men seemed incredibly drawn to that confidence, Others seemed… intimidated by it.

Is Sexual Confidence Intimidating?

The answer isn’t yes or no.

It’s that confidence can expose insecurity.

Psychologists have long recognised that confidence in any area of life can sometimes trigger comparison in others. Rather than feeling inspired, some people feel inadequate. Intimacy is no different.

Sexual confidence isn’t about having countless partners.

It isn’t about being loud, outrageous or adventurous for the sake of it.

For me, it’s the opposite.

It’s about being emotionally present.

It’s about knowing what you enjoy, communicating honestly and allowing yourself to experience intimacy without shame.

Research consistently shows that women with greater body appreciation tend to report higher sexual satisfaction, greater communication with partners and lower levels of sexual anxiety. In other words, when we’re comfortable in ourselves, intimacy often becomes deeper rather than more performative.

“You’re Different”

One conversation has always stayed with me.

Last year I was in a committed relationship. Initially everything was wonderful. If I’m honest, it was probably the best sexual connection I’d ever experienced.

One evening we were lying in bed and he turned to me and said,

“You’re different to other women.”

I’ll admit, I braced myself for criticism, (he was the king of narcissism). 

Instead he said,

“I’ve been with a lot of women, but you’re different because you have sex for yourself as well as the other person. Most women don’t.”

That sentence has stayed with me ever since. At the time I didn’t fully understand what he meant. Looking back, I think he recognised something I’d never consciously thought about.

I wasn’t performing. I wasn’t worrying. I wasn’t trying to be someone.

I was simply present, Passionate, Connected.

To me, passion isn’t something reserved for the bedroom.

It’s how I approach life, I’m passionate about my work, About helping people, About healing, About relationships, About being alive.

Perhaps intimacy simply reflects that part of me. I think as with everything in life, I give it my all. 

Does Sexual Maturity Change as We Get Older?

One question I’ve found myself coming back to is whether women and men sometimes experience sexual maturity differently as they get older.

I can only speak from my own experience, but for me, confidence didn’t come from having more sex. It came from knowing myself better.

In my twenties and early thirties, I was far more aware of how I looked, whether I was “doing it right” and whether I was attractive enough. As I’ve got older, all of that has faded into the background. Today, intimacy feels less about performance and much more about presence. I know my body, I’m comfortable communicating, and I allow myself to enjoy the experience just as much as the person I’m with.

When I speak to other women, and to many of my coaching clients, I hear similar stories. Confidence often seems to grow as self-consciousness begins to fall away.

For many men, however, middle age can bring a different set of experiences. Careers become more demanding, family life becomes busier, stress increases, and for some, natural changes in sexual function can start to appear. UK research suggests that concerns about sexual health and performance become more common as men get older, even though many continue to value intimacy and want fulfilling sex lives.

I also can’t ignore something I’ve noticed through countless conversations with people over the years. I’ve spoken to middle-aged men who tell me they haven’t had sex with their partner for weeks, months or sometimes even longer. Equally, I’ve spoken to women who feel emotionally disconnected or who have simply stopped prioritising intimacy. It reminds me that this isn’t a “men’s issue” or a “women’s issue.” Long-term relationships can sometimes drift into companionship, routine and responsibility, leaving very little space for passion unless both people actively protect it.

That makes me wonder whether some couples can find themselves moving in opposite directions. Just as many women are becoming more accepting of themselves and more confident sexually, some men may be carrying pressures they’ve never had before. Not because they’ve become less masculine or less desirable, but because life changes us all.

Perhaps that’s why confidence can sometimes feel confronting.

Not because confident women are “too much”, but because genuine intimacy asks both people to be vulnerable.

I also find myself wondering whether this plays a small part in why some middle-aged men are drawn to younger women. Not because younger women are somehow better, and certainly not because all men seek younger partners, but because relationships where both people are still discovering themselves may sometimes feel less exposing than being with someone who already knows exactly who she is.

It’s simply a thought rather than a conclusion, but I think it’s an interesting question to ask.

Can Confidence Trigger Insecurity?

I’ve worked with enough people now to know I’m not alone in noticing this. Many women I’ve spoken to have shared similar experiences. Sometimes a sexually confident woman challenges expectations.

Some men have become used to being the one who leads, reassures or teaches. When they meet a woman who already knows herself and is comfortable expressing what she enjoys, it can shift the dynamic.

That doesn’t make those men weak. It simply means confidence requires confidence in return. Secure men often welcome openness because it creates honesty and better communication.

Less secure men may start questioning themselves.

Am I good enough? Has she experienced better? Can I satisfy her?

Those thoughts don’t always get spoken aloud, but they can quietly change the atmosphere within a relationship.

Sex Gets Better With Emotional Safety

One thing I’ve realised is that great sex isn’t really about technique. Anybody can have sex, come on you know how true that is… 

But genuine intimacy is different.

The best experiences happen when two people feel emotionally safe enough to stop performing altogether.

When there’s trust, laughter, curiosity, communication, acceptance, and when two people show the fuck up for each other.. they show each other, “I’m here, I’m yours, and I’m not going to fuck this up by playing games”!

That’s where connection lives.

Why I Don’t Date Casually

People are often surprised when I tell them that since the end of my long term relationship with my sons Dad,  I’ve only been sexually intimate in my personal life, with a couple of people over the last four years. Yes I have dated a few, but I have a way with men, where I don’t feel the need to show them who I am through sex. My personal world I guess can be so different, from perhaps any alter ego, I can play or come across as. 

For me, confidence hasn’t led to sleeping with more people. It’s actually had the opposite effect. I’ve become far more selective.

I don’t feel the need to give my body away simply because dating apps make casual intimacy feel normal, I mean what do I gain from that? Apart from making myself feel shit! Where is the reward for me? What a visit to the clinic, because men don’t want to wear protection? No THANKS!

I’ve reached a point where I value connection far more than attention.

Maybe that’s age, Maybe it’s healing, Maybe it’s simply knowing my own worth.

Either way, I no longer believe sex should be something we do because we’re lonely, bored or afraid someone else might come along. I’d rather wait for someone who genuinely values intimacy than collect experiences that leave me feeling empty.

It gives me such insight into the world, having this view, I know porn stars who have sex for money, but the sex they have on film, is not the sex they have with a partner. Many of them are choosing celibacy in their own life,  and you may sit there, not understanding that, but porn stars and sex workers, often become two people, and separate work and private life completely. The person they portray can be a million miles from the person they truly are. 

Are We Really Having Better Sex?

Dating apps have changed modern relationships. They’ve created endless choice, endless comparison and often a conveyor belt approach to dating.

But one question keeps coming back to me.

Are people actually having better sex because they have more opportunities? Or are they simply having more of it?

When I speak to people in long term relationships, it’s surprisingly common to hear things like, “We haven’t had sex for weeks”. Others describe intimacy that feels routine rather than exciting.

The statistics reflect this. Large surveys suggest that sexual frequency tends to decline in many long term relationships over time, and satisfaction depends far more on communication, emotional closeness and relationship quality than on how often couples have sex.

Perhaps the real issue isn’t how much sex we’re having.

It’s how connected we are while we’re having it.

Confidence Isn’t the Enemy

A sexually confident woman isn’t trying to compete.

She isn’t trying to dominate.

She isn’t trying to prove anything.

She’s simply comfortable enough to experience intimacy without apology.

The right man won’t feel threatened by that.

He’ll feel invited into something honest.

Because confidence isn’t about perfection.

It’s about authenticity.

And perhaps that’s the most attractive quality of all.

The Stories We Never Knew We Were Telling Ourselves: How Unconscious Bias Shapes Our Careers, Relationships and Happiness

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“The biggest barriers in our lives are often the ones we cannot see.”

Most of us like to believe we’re open minded.

We believe we judge people fairly. We tell ourselves we make decisions based on facts, personality and experience. We assume our opinions are our own.

But what if many of our decisions are being influenced by something we’ve never consciously questioned?

This is known as unconscious bias.

Unconscious bias refers to the automatic assumptions, beliefs and mental shortcuts our brains develop over time. These patterns are influenced by childhood experiences, family, culture, education, previous relationships, social media, television and even the conversations we overhear growing up.

They help our brains process information quickly, but they can also lead us to make unfair judgements without realising we’re doing it.

The truth is, every single one of us has unconscious biases. The difference isn’t whether we have them. It’s whether we’re willing to become aware of the,.

The Brain Likes Shortcuts

Imagine meeting someone for the first time. Within seconds you’ve already noticed their appearance, clothing, body language, accent, age and confidence. Your brain has begun creating a story before they’ve even finished introducing themselves.

Sometimes those stories are accurate, however quite often they aren’t.

The human brain is designed to look for patterns because it keeps us safe. Thousands of years ago this was useful for survival. Today, those same shortcuts can influence promotions at work, dating choices, friendships and even how we treat ourselves.

A prime example lies in meeting someone who looks like an ex partner who perhaps deceived our trust, we can meet someone with a resemblance, and before we know it, we are disregarding them without realising.

Unconscious Bias at Work

Think about a typical workplace. A manager interviews two candidates with identical qualifications. One reminds them of someone they worked well with years ago.

The other has a different communication style, dresses differently or appears quieter.

Without intending to, the manager may naturally feel more comfortable with the first candidate. Neither decision feels biased.

It simply feels like instinct.

But instinct is often influenced by previous experiences rather than objective evidence.

Unconscious bias can affect who gets hired, who receives opportunities, who gets promoted and who is viewed as having leadership potential. It can also affect how feedback is given.

Confident people may be described as natural leaders.

Quiet people may be labelled disengaged.

Someone who thinks differently may be seen as difficult rather than innovative.

This is especially important when we consider neurodiversity. Many people with ADHD, autism or dyslexia communicate differently. They may process information differently, avoid eye contact, interrupt through excitement or need additional thinking time.

These differences are not character flaws.

Yet unconscious bias can lead others to misinterpret these behaviours as lack of interest, poor attitude or incompetence. When organisations become aware of unconscious bias, they often discover hidden talent that was overlooked simply because it didn’t fit traditional expectations.

It Doesn’t Stop at the Office Door.. Look at our love lives…

The same thing happens in our love lives. How often have we dismissed someone because they weren’t physically our usual type?

How often have we assumed someone wasn’t interested because they appeared quiet?

How often have we believed confidence equals emotional maturity?

Or assumed attractive people must be happier?

Perhaps you’ve met someone who looked perfect on paper. Successful career, Great appearance, Confident, Funny,

Yet emotionally unavailable.

Meanwhile someone else may have been overlooked because they were nervous on a first date, shy in conversation or didn’t immediately create fireworks. Our unconscious bias often creates a checklist of what love should look like.

Height.

Career.

Income.

Age.

Body type.

Social status.

Confidence.

Lifestyle.

But very few of those things predict whether someone will make us feel emotionally safe, respected or loved. Sometimes we reject wonderful people because they don’t match the picture we’ve created in our minds, or we are comparing them and instantly our mind tells us ‘Unsafe’.

Sometimes we chase people who repeatedly hurt us and reject those who could love us deeply, because of their jobs weight etc etc..

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Bias isn’t only about how we judge others. It’s also about how we judge ourselves.

Many people carry beliefs they never chose.

“I’m too old.”

“I’m too much.”

“People always leave.”

“No one finds people like me attractive.”

“I’ll never be successful.”

Those thoughts often feel like facts.

But where did they come from?

A childhood experience?

An ex partner?

A teacher?

A parent?

A single painful rejection years ago?

Our brains are incredibly good at collecting evidence to support beliefs we’ve carried for years. We rarely stop to question whether those beliefs are actually true.

Why Coaching Matters

This is one of the reasons I believe coaching can be so powerful. Coaching isn’t about giving people the answers. It’s about helping them discover the questions they’ve never thought to ask.

Why do I always choose emotionally unavailable partners?

Why do I keep avoiding opportunities at work?

Why do I assume people won’t like me?

Why do I believe I’m not good enough?

Why do I keep repeating the same patterns?

Why do I shut down when someone I’m genuinely interested in comes into my orbit?

Many of the answers lie beneath conscious awareness.

A coach helps bring those hidden patterns into the light.

Not through judgement, but through curiosity.

Together you begin noticing the automatic thoughts that influence behaviour. You explore where those thoughts originated. You test whether they’re still serving you and gradually you begin replacing automatic assumptions with conscious choices.

Looking Beyond Behaviour

One of the biggest shifts coaching creates is helping people separate behaviour from identity.

Someone interrupting you may not be rude. They may simply process conversations differently. This happens a lot with Neuro Diverse people.

Someone cancelling plans may not be rejecting you. They may genuinely be overwhelmed.

Someone who seems quiet in meetings may have brilliant ideas but need more time to think.

Equally, someone who appears incredibly confident may actually be masking insecurity.

The more curious we become, the fewer assumptions we make.

Curiosity almost always creates stronger relationships than certainty.

Flawed Thinking Isn’t Failure

One of the most common things coaching uncovers is flawed thinking. Psychologists often refer to these as cognitive distortions. These include believing we know what others are thinking.

Expecting the worst outcome.

Overgeneralising from one experience.

Seeing situations in black and white.

Filtering out positive experiences while focusing only on negatives.

These thinking patterns quietly influence both our personal and professional lives.

If one relationship ended badly, we may assume every future relationship will.

If one interview went poorly, we may decide we’re not capable.

If one manager criticised us, we may stop applying for promotions altogether.

The event ends.

The belief remains.

Coaching helps challenge those beliefs before they become permanent truths.

Awareness Changes Everything

The goal isn’t perfection. No one can completely eliminate unconscious bias.

We’re human.

Our brains will always create shortcuts.

The goal is awareness. Awareness gives us choice. Instead of immediately believing every thought, we become curious. Instead of reacting automatically, we pause. Instead of assuming we know someone’s story, we ask questions.

That pause can completely change a conversation.

It can save relationships.

It can create more inclusive workplaces.

It can open doors we never realised we’d closed.

Imagine What Could Change

Imagine interviewing someone without letting first impressions dominate your decision.

Imagine going on a date with genuine curiosity rather than comparing them with every previous partner.

Imagine recognising when your inner critic is speaking instead of accepting every thought as fact.

Imagine leading a team where different ways of thinking are valued rather than judged.

Imagine choosing people based on emotional compatibility instead of a checklist.

Imagine not judging people on. decisions they’ve made for their lives, just because they don’t match up to your values.

Those small shifts have enormous consequences.

Not only for careers and relationships, but for confidence, wellbeing and happiness.

Final Thoughts

Some of the most important conversations we’ll ever have are the ones we have with ourselves.

Every assumption deserves to be questioned.

Every belief deserves to be explored.

Every pattern deserves our curiosity.

Because when we become aware of our unconscious biases, we don’t just change the way we see other people.

We change the way we see ourselves and that may be the most powerful transformation of all.

If you’ve ever found yourself repeating the same relationship patterns, doubting your own potential or wondering why certain situations keep playing out in your life, coaching offers a space to explore those patterns without judgement. Together, we can uncover the beliefs driving your decisions, challenge thinking that no longer serves you and help you make choices that are aligned with who you are today, rather than who your past taught you to be.

Sometimes, changing your life doesn’t begin with changing your circumstances.

It begins with changing the story you’ve been unconsciously telling yourself.

The Context we Meet in: Why we judge women by circumstance instead of Character

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There is a scene in Pretty Woman that has stayed with me for years.

Edward, played by Richard Gere, looks at Vivian and says, “I’ve never treated you like a prostitute.”

Her response is immediate.

“You just did.”

For a long time, I watched that scene and thought it was simply about a man saying the wrong thing. As I have grown older, spent more time listening to people’s stories and worked with women from all walks of life, I have come to realise that the scene is about something much bigger than a wealthy businessman falling in love with an escort. It is about judgement. It is about the labels we place on people. Most importantly, it is about how often women are judged by the circumstances in which they are found rather than the character they possess.

What strikes me most about that exchange is that Vivian never asks the obvious question. Why is she carrying the burden of judgement when Edward was equally involved? He may have been the wealthy businessman and she may have been the escort, but both of them participated in the same encounter. Without Edward, there is no transaction. Without his choices, there is no story. Yet somehow society finds it easier to judge Vivian than it does Edward. He is seen as successful. She is seen as shameful. He is allowed complexity. She is reduced to a label, she could be incredibly successful in her own right, but it’s always the man casting judgement, without the understanding.

That scene has always felt like a reflection of something much bigger that still exists today. Women continue to be judged differently for the very same situations that men willingly participate in. The details may have changed. Dating apps have replaced chance meetings in bars. Social media has transformed how people connect. Entire industries have emerged that did not exist twenty years ago. Yet the underlying double standard remains surprisingly familiar.

A woman can meet a man on Tinder, spend an evening talking, laughing and building what she believes is a genuine connection, sleep with him, and then discover she has been quietly disqualified from relationship status because she slept with him too quickly. The irony is extraordinary. He was there too. He made the same decision. He participated in exactly the same experience. Yet somehow he walks away feeling entitled to judge her for behaviour he willingly took part in himself.

What fascinates me is that many women do not think this way. They are often looking at the bigger picture. They are wondering whether there is chemistry, whether there is potential, whether this person could become a meaningful part of their life. Of course there are exceptions. Both men and women can be manipulative. Both men and women can seek validation. Both men and women can be dishonest. This is not about pretending one gender is innocent and the other is guilty. Human beings are complicated. What interests me is the imbalance in how judgement is applied. Society still seems far more comfortable attaching shame to women than it does to men.

One of the most interesting questions in modern dating is why some men automatically assume that a woman on Hinge is more suitable for a relationship than a woman they meet in a lap dancing club or who perhaps has worked as an escort. Why? What evidence do they actually have? Have they spent time understanding her values? Do they know how she treats people? Do they know whether she is loyal, emotionally available, trustworthy or kind? Usually the answer is no. What they are really judging is not the woman herself. They are judging the story attached to her, and the crazy thing is from my day to day life, I actually hear that ‘BodyCount’ can often reign higher in the women they perceive as ‘Marriage material’.

The woman on Hinge is viewed as someone searching for love. The woman in the club is viewed as someone selling fantasy. One is placed into a socially approved category. The other is placed into a socially disapproved category. Yet neither label tells us very much. The woman in the club may have stronger boundaries than anyone the man has ever met. She may have spent years single because she refuses to settle for relationships that do not meet her standards. She may be fiercely loyal once she commits to someone. She may have had fewer sexual partners than many of the women being praised as relationship material. Meanwhile, the woman on Hinge may be dating multiple people, have no interest in commitment and be seeking validation rather than connection. Or the opposite may be true. The point is that nobody knows.

Character cannot be determined by profession. It cannot be determined by appearance. It cannot be determined by where somebody happened to meet you. Yet people continue to make assumptions every single day based on these things. They judge a book by its cover and then convince themselves they know the entire story.

What I have learned over the years is that public image and private reality are often worlds apart. We live in a culture where people carefully curate how they are perceived. Dating profiles are curated. Social media accounts are curated. Influencer brands are curated. Even ordinary people curate versions of themselves for public consumption. We look at photographs, captions and carefully selected moments and convince ourselves we know somebody. The truth is that we rarely do.

There are women with enormous social media followings who are admired by millions. There are reality television personalities, influencers and public figures who have built highly successful brands around their image. Some have found ways to monetise their beauty, fame and desirability in ways previous generations could never have imagined, and behind closed doors are being sent out on secret Whatssap groups for £10k for the night. Personally, I do not see anything wrong with that. If somebody has built an audience, worked hard to create opportunities and found a way to capitalise on their success, then fair play to them. What interests me is not what they do. What interests me is how society responds to them depending on what information is publicly available.

The same man who judges a woman working openly within the adult industry may spend years admiring, following and fantasising about a public figure whose private life he knows nothing about. The difference is not necessarily morality. The difference is visibility. One woman is judged because people know. The other escapes judgement because people do not. Yet both may be making similar choices in private. This is why assumptions are so dangerous. They are built on incomplete information and presented as certainty.

Another aspect of this conversation that deserves far more compassion is the reality that some women carry experiences most people know nothing about. Some women working within parts of the adult industry have histories of childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, coercive relationships or profound emotional neglect. Of course this is not true of everyone and it would be wrong to make assumptions. Every woman’s story is different. Yet it is important to recognise that for some women, their relationship with their body, sexuality and sense of control has been shaped by experiences that occurred long before anyone met them. I work with one lady in the industry, who was date raped, and is simply too scared to date, and maybe she’s lost her way a little, but who are we to sit and judge.

What often frustrates me is how quickly people jump to judgement without any curiosity about what might have brought someone to where they are today. We see a profession and assume we understand a person. We see a choice and assume we know the story behind it. Yet human beings are rarely that simple. For some women, stepping into a space where they choose the terms, set the boundaries and decide what access people have to them can feel very different from experiences where control was taken away. What outsiders may perceive as exploitation, another person may experience as autonomy. Whether people agree with those choices or not is almost irrelevant. The point is that we cannot understand someone’s life by reducing them to a label.

Perhaps that is another reason I find judgement so problematic. It leaves no room for complexity. It leaves no room for empathy. It leaves no room for the possibility that the person standing in front of us has survived things we cannot imagine. We do not know their history. We do not know their struggles. We do not know what they have overcome to become the person they are today. Yet society is often quick to condemn women for the choices they make while showing very little interest in understanding the experiences that shaped those choices in the first place.

As the film draws to a close, something interesting happens. Edward finally understands what he could not see at the beginning. The issue was never Vivian’s profession. It was never the circumstances in which they met. It was never the label he had attached to her. The real obstacle was his inability to look beyond those things. Only when he lets go of his assumptions is he able to see the woman standing in front of him.

If we return back to the film ‘Pretty woman’ in one of the most iconic scenes in the film, Edward arrives with flowers and climbs the fire escape despite his fear of heights. He becomes the knight in shining armour Vivian once dreamed about as a little girl. Of course, we live in a different world now. Most women are not waiting to be rescued. Women build careers, raise families, buy their own flowers and save themselves every single day. The fantasy was never really about being rescued anyway. The fantasy was about being chosen. Being valued. Being seen… finally the little girl who had led such a traumatic and sad life, was seen.

Perhaps that is what so many people are searching for beneath all the noise of modern dating. Not perfection, Not status, Not somebody who ticks every box on paper. Just somebody willing to look beyond the stereotypes, beyond the assumptions and beyond the story attached to how they met.

Because love does not arrive wrapped in social approval. It does not ask whether someone was met through friends, on a dating app, in a club, at work or during the most unexpected chapter of their life. Love only asks whether two people are willing to know each other honestly.

And perhaps that is the real lesson hidden inside Pretty Woman. The greatest relationships are not built by people who meet in the perfect circumstances…. They are built by people brave enough to see beyond them….

Maybe the real question is not where are the women worth loving. Maybe the real question is where are the men willing to put down their judgement long enough to recognise them.

Because the most beautiful love stories have never been about how two people met.

They have always been about what happened when they decided to truly see one another.

Survival Mode in Relationships: When Emotional Abandonment Pushes the Body Into Crisis

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How avoidant and narcissistic relationship patterns trigger fight-or-flight, hormonal disruption, and physical collapse, especially in women

There is a kind of stress that doesn’t stay in the mind.

It moves into the body.

It shuts down appetite.

It steals sleep.

It disrupts hormones.

It turns love into a medical emergency.

For me, stress from romantic relationships affects my body more than anything else in my life, Not work, Not money, Not external pressure. Love, or more accurately, emotional instability disguised as love, is what pushes my body into survival mode.

And once I’m there, I can’t simply “calm down.”

My body is panicking.

What Survival Mode Really Is (Fight, Flight, and Freeze)

Survival mode is not a metaphor. It is a physiological nervous system response that occurs when safety is threatened.

In relationships with avoidant partners or narcissistic partners, the body does not experience emotional inconsistency as inconvenience, it experiences it as danger.

Hot-and-cold behaviour.

Sudden withdrawal.

Love-bombing followed by emotional abandonment.

Connection offered, then removed.

The nervous system responds by activating the sympathetic response, fight, flight, or freeze. This response is meant for short-term danger. In emotionally unstable relationships, the threat is ongoing.

So the body stays switched on.

The Avoidant Attachment Cycle — Step by Step in the Body

Avoidant attachment is often unconscious. But its impact on the other person’s nervous system is very real.

1. Connection Phase: “This Feels Safe”

What the avoidant does

  • Emotional intimacy
  • Deep conversations
  • Strong sense of alignment
  • Feeling chosen and secure
  • A perfect mirror to you, which helps secure a sense of bond

What happens in your body

  • Oxytocin increases (bonding hormone)
  • Dopamine rises (hope and reward)
  • Nervous system softens
  • Appetite and sleep may stabilise

Your body begins to wire this person as safety.

2. Deactivation Phase: Emotional Withdrawal

What the avoidant does

  • Becomes distant
  • Reduces communication
  • Feels “overwhelmed”
  • Shuts down emotionally

What you begin to feel

  • Unease
  • Tight chest
  • Anxiety
  • A sense that something is wrong

Physiological response

  • Cortisol begins to rise
  • Vagus nerve regulation drops
  • Fight-or-flight activates

Your body senses danger before your mind understands it.

3. Push–Pull Dynamics and Intermittent Reinforcement

What the avoidant does- Sometimes , may I add, however most are too weak to return and do not have the emotional bandwidth

  • Returns briefly
  • Reassures you
  • Withdraws again

What you feel

  • Relief followed by panic
  • Hypervigilance
  • Emotional preoccupation

What happens in the body

  • Cortisol remains elevated
  • Adrenal system overstimulated
  • Digestion suppressed → appetite loss
  • Sleep disrupted

This is where survival mode becomes chronic.

4. Sudden Breakup or Emotional Disappearance

What the avoidant does

  • Ends the relationship abruptly
  • Avoids closure
  • Emotionally shuts the door
  • Blocks you everywhere

What happens to you

  • Shock
  • Disbelief
  • Inability to eat
  • Inability to sleep
  • Inability to just function with day to day life

Physiology

  • Cortisol spikes
  • Melatonin suppressed
  • Blood pressure may drop
  • Immune system weakens

This is often the point people say:

“I don’t recognise myself anymore.”

The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle — And Why It Damages the Body

Narcissistic relationship patterns are different because the instability is often manipulative rather than avoidant.

1. Love-Bombing and Idealisation

What they do

  • Intense attention
  • Excessive affection
  • Fast emotional bonding

Body response

  • Dopamine surge
  • Oxytocin surge
  • Rapid attachment

The body bonds before trust has time to develop.

2. Devaluation and Emotional Withholding

What they do

  • Withdraw affection
  • Criticise or invalidate
  • Create emotional insecurity

What you feel

  • Anxiety
  • Self-doubt
  • Trying harder to regain safety

Physical impact

  • Cortisol rises
  • Appetite shuts down
  • Gut function slows
  • Weight loss begins

3. Discard, Return, Repeat

What they do

  • End the relationship
  • Return
  • End it again

Each cycle re-activates the trauma response.

The body never fully resets.

During one such relationship, my weight fell from nine stone (around 57 kg) to seven stone ten (around 49–50 kg). I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. My periods became severe and prolonged, leading to hospitalisation.

This was not just emotional distress. It was physiological breakdown caused by chronic stress.

Blocking: The Nervous System Impact of Sudden Disappearance

Blocking is not neutral.

Blocking is digital abandonment.

Psychological and Neurological Impact

Research shows that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain. Blocking removes:

  • Access
  • Repair
  • Explanation

The brain interprets this as:

“You no longer exist.”

What Blocking Does to the Body

  • Sudden cortisol spike
  • Panic response
  • Obsessive thinking
  • Appetite shutdown
  • Severe insomnia

For bonded individuals, blocking can:

  • Disrupt menstrual cycles
  • Lower blood pressure
  • Trigger medical symptoms
  • Psychologically impact their whole future

There is no nervous system regulation without closure.

Why Emotional Stress Affects Women’s Bodies So Deeply

Chronic relational stress disrupts the HPA axis (hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis), which governs stress hormones.

This impacts:

  • Cortisol regulation
  • Progesterone production
  • Oestrogen balance
  • Ovulation and menstrual cycles

This is why emotional stress can cause:

  • Heavy or prolonged periods
  • Hormonal imbalance
  • Faintness or low blood pressure
  • Hospital admissions

Women don’t just experience stress psychologically.

We carry it physically.

The Core Truth About Survival Mode in Love

Avoidant partners regulate by leaving, a selfish act for their own self preservation and to maintain their narrative ‘As the good guy’ – Which sadly to you and to an outsider not in their orbit, is actually anything but.

Narcissistic partners regulate by controlling, they can’t control someone who starts to remember their own self worth, and who starts to call them out…

The person left behind regulates by breaking down internally.

They close the door, and your body absorbs the impact.

Grounding: Gently Returning the Body to Safety

If you are in survival mode, your body is not betraying you.

It is protecting you.

Healing does not come from forcing yourself to move on. It comes from restoring safety slowly:

  • Eating what you can, when you can
  • Sleeping without self-judgment
  • Reducing exposure to emotional chaos
  • Choosing calm over intensity

Your nervous system does not need answers.

It needs consistency, gentleness, and time.

My little tip…

This blog is written from my own lived experience.

I share my story, including weight loss, hormonal disruption, hospital admissions, and the physical effects of emotional abandonment, not for sympathy, but for validation. To them you may not matter, but the key thing is, you should matter to you. They tried to rob you of dignity, clarity, and validation… but you have to remember, stop investing all that into them, and protect yourself… I mean we literally have no hope right now when it comes to dating, do we girls? Because everyone left who isn’t taken has that much trauma they become Avoidants or Narcissists, however remember, our own trauma can simply be making us anxious attachments… we need to stop the cycle!

Too many women are told they are “too sensitive” when their bodies react to relational stress. In reality, these reactions are often normal nervous system responses to instability and loss of safety.

If this resonates with you, please know:

You are not broken.

Your body has been fighting for you.