2026 – The year Choosing Me: The Moment I Stopped Waiting to Be Chosen

There’s a truth I’ve had to learn the long way round:

Sometimes you have to experience the wrong people to finally understand your worth.

Not in a cliché way and not in a “everything happens for a reason” way, but in a very real, very lived way, where each connection leaves a mark, teaches you something, and slowly pulls you back to yourself.

I’ve loved different kinds of men.

Last year I met the one who felt electric at the start, passionate, intense, everything turned up to 100. The sex was something else, I mean girls, there is good and then there is WILD! Insane until it wasn’t. Until the warmth turned into walking on eggshells. The subtle put-downs. The control disguised as care. The disappearing acts followed by apologies that reset everything… until the cycle began again and I lost myself in that, not just emotionally, but physically too. So swept up in the sex, attention, gifts and love-bombing, I suddenly realised after watch him down pink cocaine for two weeks, that this was not the kind of man who should be in mine or my Childs life.

Then came along a good man, Kind-hearted, Safe, I thought. Someone I let myself open up to in a way I hadn’t in a good few years. We built something slowly, calls, messages, shared moments across distance, it felt so familiar… And then… he shut down.

No warning. No gradual fade. Just a switch.

One minute, he was planning a weekend with me, so excited I was in his country. The next, it was “this feels like pressure, I should respect my boundary, I can’t do long distance”, That kind of emotional whiplash does something to you. It doesn’t just hurt, it changes how you see people. How you trust. How you show up. I’m so glad I didn’t have sex with him, because in all honesty seeing his insecurities at play with avoidance, makes me feel there would have been disappointment. I think it felt familiar, because it threw me back into the summer of 2023, another situation, the calls, messages, consistency, deep intimacy on all levels except sex.

and somewhere underneath all of that, there’s been another truth sitting quietly in my life:

There is someone I love… who didn’t choose me, and it was after the experience with my Californian guy, I realised, it simply reminded me of that! The heartbreak of 2023, where I wasn’t chosen, but had fallen anyway..

For a long time, I told myself it was limerence, Infatuation. Something I’d grow out of, however time has a way of clarifying things, not erasing them and the truth is some feelings don’t fade just because they’re inconvenient, they simply get avoided.

But here’s what I’ve realised:

Someone not choosing you doesn’t make them “the one.” It makes them unavailable.

The Pattern I Couldn’t Ignore

There’s something else I started to notice.

Men would leave… choose someone else… build lives with other women.

Then years later, they’d come back, Telling me I was always the one, That they see me now, That they made the wrong choice. It happened last summer. I had a call, with an ex asking to meet me, I was seeing the narcissist at the time, and I declined, but he pushed and pushed, so I agreed ten mins in a public place only. I showed up, and was met with, basically I was the one perfect for them, I was the one they loved, I was the one aligned, I was so shocked, but its not the first time this has happened.

But by then, it’s too late, Because love isn’t just about recognition, It’s about timing. It’s about courage. It’s about choosing.

And I deserve to be chosen in real time, not in hindsight.

I appreciate if things don’t work out with someone else they chose, and then try and rekindle, but I will never be the other woman, whilst you keep someone there incase I say NO, and I did say NO!

The Misunderstanding of Who I Am

I think part of my story is this:

People think they know me when they first meet me, I get judged all the time. They see confidence, Strength, Independence.
They assume I’m “a lot.”, That I’ll be hard to handle. People see the Kerry now before them, not the Kerry I was for all of my life, they see the girl with the lips, the tan, the hair, taking images and posing, and they see me in a certain way, because that’s what their ind interprets.

But the truth?

In a relationship, I’m soft, I’m calm, I’m loyal, I’m simple in what I want.

A quiet life.
A genuine connection.
A partner to build with, not perform for.

And it’s only later, when they’ve already chosen someone else, that they realise actually she’s the opposite to who she comes across as, But I’m not waiting around to be understood after the fact anymore. Judgement is on them, Darlings, not me!

What I See Clearly Now

I see the half-effort.

The “let’s plan something” followed by inconsistency.
The words that don’t match actions.
The low-level energy that expects access to me.

And I’m done with it, yep over it! You will remain in the archived, because quite frankly, I cannot be arsed seeing your face!

Because here’s the truth:

There is no attraction without consistency.
There is no connection without effort.
And there is no future where I am not fully chosen.

What I Actually Want

It’s not complicated.

I want someone grounded, Calm, Emotionally available.
Someone who values routine, health, stability. Someone who has kids already, maybe similar age to my child, so we can just enjoy watching the kids grow, rather than the stress and worry of having another! I love my life now to start all over again with a new baby. Someone who wants to build a life, not escape into one.

A home.
A partnership.
A quiet, real kind of love, that will last

Not the loud, chaotic kind that burns fast and leaves damage behind.

Just… a good man…

Here’s Where Everything Changed

At some point over the last 8-9 months, something shifted in me. In that time, I dated a narcissist, was sexually assaulted by someone I went on a date with, and then I met the ultimate avoidant. This was all meant to happen, and I don’t say that to minimise it, I say it not through bitterness or coldness, but

Clarity.

I realised I’ve spent so much time pouring into other people, trying to understand them, support them, love them, hold space for them…And not enough time choosing myself. Too much time not filling up my own cup.

So now?

I’m not chasing.
I’m not convincing.
I’m not waiting to be picked.

You either show me, consistently, clearly, and show that you choose me…
or you don’t get access to me at all.
..

There is no in-between anymore my body, my mind, my heart. No, you are not welcome!

It’s taken 42 years to reach this point, and I realise, I’m worth something, and it’s a deep routed find, and wow, my eyes are open.

For Any Woman Reading This

If you’ve ever felt like the one they come back to… but never the one they choose first…

If you’ve ever been “almost” loved properly…

If you’ve ever questioned your worth because someone couldn’t meet you where you are…

This is your reminder:

You are not too much.
You are not misunderstood.
You are not “almost.”

You are just no longer available for half-hearted love, and please hold your value high, hold it for someone who offers consistency, but offers to show up to! Not just a lunchtime meet in costa! Because the coffee dates are devaluing romance!!

However the true message stands, the moment you truly choose yourself, set your boundaries and recognise your value matters, is the moment the shift will happen!

Celibacy and Masturbation: Can Self-Pleasure Be Part of a Celibate Journey?

In a world that constantly talks about sex, relationships, and connection with others, we rarely talk about something quieter but just as meaningful: our relationship with our own body.

For some people, celibacy is a religious choice, For others, it’s a period of healing, reflection, or simply a break from the emotional complexity of relationships.

But one question often sits quietly underneath the surface:

If you’re practicing celibacy, is masturbation still okay?

It’s a question that doesn’t always have a clear answer. Some people believe celibacy should include abstaining from all sexual activity, including self-pleasure. Others believe masturbation can actually be a healthy part of understanding and respecting our bodies.

For me, the conversation around this topic feels very personal.

There have been long stretches of time in my life where I’ve chosen celibacy. Sometimes it came from heartbreak, sometimes from exhaustion with dating, and sometimes simply from the desire to focus on myself, and my own healing journey.

During those times, I noticed something interesting.

Even while stepping away from intimacy with others, my body didn’t stop being alive and sometimes, masturbation became a surprisingly grounding experience.

Rediscovering the Body When You’re Alone

One thing that celibacy can do is shift your attention inward. When you’re not thinking about someone else’s touch, expectations, or desires, you begin to notice your own body differently. For me, masturbation during celibacy has sometimes felt less like sexual indulgence and more like a form of self-connection.

There’s a strange kind of peace in knowing that your body belongs entirely to you.

No pressure.

No performance.

No wondering what someone else wants or expects.

Just you.

And sometimes, that simple experience can bring unexpected comfort.

There have been mornings where the day felt heavy, where getting out of bed felt like a challenge. In those moments, something as simple as self-pleasure gave me a little spark of energy, a reminder that my body is still capable of joy, that life isn’t always so depressing!! Let’s call it the ultimate self validation hey!

It’s not always about sexuality, Sometimes it’s about feeling alive again, sometimes its just about the Ooooooh and Aaaaah!

The Biology of Masturbation and the Brain

From a biological perspective, masturbation isn’t just psychological, it’s neurological. When the body experiences sexual arousal or orgasm, the brain releases several important chemicals:

Dopamine – associated with pleasure and reward

Oxytocin – often called the bonding hormone

Endorphins – natural pain and stress relievers

Prolactin – linked with relaxation after orgasm

These chemicals affect our mood, stress levels, and overall well-being.

This is one reason why masturbation can sometimes feel like a natural mood booster. The body responds with a chemical cascade that can reduce tension and create a sense of calm.

Some studies even suggest that sexual release may help with:

  • Stress reduction
  • Better sleep
  • Improved mood
  • Relief from physical tension

In this sense, masturbation isn’t necessarily separate from overall health. It’s part of the body’s natural reward system. However like many things tied to dopamine and pleasure, balance matters.

When Masturbation Becomes Habit Rather Than Choice

While masturbation can be healthy, it’s also possible for it to become automatic rather than intentional. Modern technology has changed the way we experience sexual stimulation. Endless access to digital content can overstimulate the brain’s reward system, leading to patterns where pleasure becomes more about dopamine hits than genuine connection with the body.

This is one of the reasons some people choose complete abstinence during celibacy.

Taking a break from sexual stimulation can allow the brain’s reward pathways to reset. People sometimes report feeling clearer, more focused, or more emotionally grounded during periods of abstinence.

But this doesn’t necessarily mean masturbation itself is unhealthy. The key difference often lies in how we approach it.

Is it a conscious experience of self-connection?

Or a quick escape from boredom, loneliness, or stress?

Those motivations can lead to very different outcomes.

The Spiritual Perspective on Sexual Energy

Beyond biology and psychology, many spiritual traditions have explored sexuality and self-pleasure for thousands of years. In some traditions, sexual energy is viewed as one of the most powerful forces within the human body. Certain schools of Taoism and yoga teach that sexual energy can be transformed into creative or spiritual energy. Practices related to celibacy sometimes encourage people to conserve this energy rather than release it.

From this perspective, abstaining from masturbation is believed to strengthen discipline, mental clarity, and vitality.

However, other spiritual traditions take a very different view.

Some tantric teachings emphasise conscious awareness of the body, suggesting that sexuality, including self-pleasure, can be part of spiritual exploration if approached with mindfulness and respect. Rather than something to suppress, sexual energy becomes something to observe, understand, and honor. In that sense, masturbation could be seen not as indulgence, but as a way of cultivating presence within the body. The truth is that spirituality rarely offers a single answer. Instead, it invites us to explore our relationship with our own energy and intention.

Celibacy as a Relationship With Yourself

One of the most surprising things about celibacy is that it can teach you a lot about yourself. Without the distraction of romantic or sexual relationships,

You start to notice patterns.

You notice how you seek comfort.

You notice how you cope with loneliness.

You notice how you treat your own body.

For many people, celibacy becomes less about denying desire and more about building a healthier relationship with themselves. That relationship might include masturbation, or it might not. What matters is the intention behind the choice. If self-pleasure comes from curiosity, appreciation, and self-love, it can feel empowering. However, if it becomes a way of avoiding emotions or constantly chasing stimulation, it may be worth stepping back and reflecting.

The Power of Self-Ownership

One of the things I’ve come to appreciate most during celibate periods is the simple idea that my body belongs to me.

In relationships, we sometimes forget that. We become aware of another person’s desires, expectations, and needs. Even healthy relationships involve a kind of shared physical space.

Celibacy creates a different dynamic.

It reminds you that your body isn’t something that exists for someone else’s pleasure.

It exists for you.

That awareness can make masturbation feel less like a taboo subject and more like a quiet act of self-ownership. It’s a reminder that you don’t need someone else to validate your physical existence.

Sometimes your own touch is enough.

Finding a Personal Balance

So should someone masturbate during celibacy?

The honest answer is that there isn’t a universal rule. For some people, abstaining completely from sexual stimulation helps them feel focused and emotionally grounded. For others, occasional self-pleasure feels natural and healthy.

The important thing is to remain aware of your motivations and how your choices affect your well-being.

You might ask yourself questions like:

  • Does this make me feel connected to my body or disconnected from it?
  • Am I doing this consciously or out of habit?
  • Does this support my emotional healing or distract from it?
  • Does this align with why I chose celibacy in the first place?

These questions can help guide a relationship with sexuality that feels authentic rather than imposed.

Celibacy Isn’t About Denying Pleasure

One of the biggest misconceptions about celibacy is that it’s about repression, But for many people, it’s actually about clarity.

Stepping away from sexual relationships can create space to understand our desires more deeply. It allows us to notice where pleasure comes from, what intimacy means to us, and how we relate to our own bodies. In that sense, celibacy isn’t the absence of sexuality. It’s a chance to experience sexuality in a more conscious way.

Sometimes that includes self-pleasure.

Sometimes it means abstaining completely.

Both paths can lead to growth if they’re chosen intentionally.

Final Thoughts: Listening to Your Body

If there’s one thing celibacy has taught me, it’s that our bodies have their own quiet wisdom.

We often try to fit our lives into rules about what we should or shouldn’t do, yet sexuality rarely works that way.

Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is simply listen.

Listen to our emotions.

Listen to our energy levels.

Listen to how our body responds.

For me, there have been moments during celibacy when masturbation brought a small spark of joy on an otherwise depressing day A reminder that my body still holds warmth, curiosity, and life and there have been other moments where abstaining felt more aligned with the kind of clarity I was seeking. For instance now, abstaining since my last serious relationship has been soul saving, just knowing, I will enjoy intimacy when I meet my person and both experiences taught me something valuable.

Celibacy isn’t about shutting down desire, It’s about becoming aware of it.

And sometimes that awareness begins with the simplest realisation of all:

Your body is yours.

How you choose to care for it, explore it, or honor it is a deeply personal journey.