The Girl who does everything, more ups and downs than the pepsi max, the girl with an opinion on most things, the girl who has an answer for everything, and fakes it till she makes it if she doesn’t! I was put on this earth as a twin who sadly died, but I often feel I carry their energy around with me, because I have an abundance of energy, that even I ask where it. comes from. I was always convinced I had bi-polar, until I ADHD had my diagnosis, not quite as scary as Bi-polar but in itself a super power that I see as a gift, that enables me to spin around 20 plates at the same time. ADHDers basically have a brain that is wired differently to everyone else, it functions very differently, and whilst this can be a hinderance to some, to me I maximise every aspect of it to retain, grow and develop my life. My cognitive skills flourish in subjects I enjoy, and almost become dormant in anything I find mundane, I have a need to win and succeed, a million ideas come to my mind some I can execute, some I just can’t quite grasp, because my mind is already telling me no.

ADHD affects quite a few things in my life, however one thing I cannot multi task is dating, how can I run 3 businesses and have a full time job, but can’t ever really chat to more than one person at a time. There are plenty of readings out there saying people with ADHD find it hard to stay faithful, but I think when you combine ADHD with my past and views on sex, for me this is very different. For me personally i’m a huge believer in monogamy, I have an intense relationship with sex and love, and old fashioned in my views, when I love , I really do love, I have only fallen for a few people in my life, and even long term relationships, I have loved but not ‘fallen’ in love, yet I have met people and find myself questioning myself why I have such strong feelings for them after a few weeks of knowing them. However much we can question ourselves, there are somethings we will never know the answers to. What makes us wake up and reach for our phone to view that persons profile, to see if they have text us, what makes us wake up and think of that person, it’s weird, and I guess it’s those subconscious moments, that really show what we really feel. There have been times in my life, I have convinced myself, nope they are not my type, nope it won’t work, but still they are under my skin, in my head, and I find myself absorbed in them, this isn’t ADHD , This is a spiritual connection, beyond physical lust, our brains and soul telling us, and trust me there have been men in my life, I have fucking hated this happening with. I met Mark in 2005, and moved to Manchester after 3 weeks of knowing him, then there was Manuel 2013, and both of these, were no good for me, and never became long term relationships, both just long term lovers, but the intensity was on another level. I mean I have loved in the past, I adored David my childs rather, loved him so very deeply, and always will, he is the father of my child, but whilst our sex life was incredible, the love was different, and yes it led to long term, but the passion fizzled out, and I find myself now single and not knowing who I want, or even if I want anyone at all. I can’t even see myself with a regular lover, because I know the next person I sleep with I will like them enough to take that next step. It is very difficult to not be seduced by excitement, after having sex with one person for 7/8 years, but sometimes you have to take a step back and work with your own body, your own mind, and learn to self love and appreciate.

ADHD people are typical risk takers with sex, and whilst sex excites me, I leave some things as fantasy, much easier then. They say ADHDers can make better lovers, because of hyper fixation, because of their addiction to wanting to orgasm and keep the duration going, we are addicted to dopamine after all, and what better way to achieve the ultimate fix, than through orgasm, fuck me, I can just keep going and going, Even knowing I will probably end up with cystitis for a week doesn’t stop me, lol! So when people have commented in the past or told me I am too much, I have be known to sulk, and be like FFS, but hey its nothing a toy can’t sort out, and putting on a show, often leads to another round anyway, so in some respects I often get what I want ha! Shame this doesn’t transpire to my relationship status.

ADHD can be found in 5% of us, and whilst I cannot sit here and diagnose you all, it takes more than just having 2/3 things in common with the tick list. Diagnosis isn’t easy, for me a clinical psychologist who has got to know me super well, gave me her initial thoughts, and from there it went to my GP, then to a questionnaire, then an interview and then to the board of psychologists, it wasn’t easy, its not like a GP. ticks a few boxes and suddenly just determines, you are asked about your childhood, your mannerisms, your quirks. For me personally I had an in-depth tick list

Never been able to play a musical instrument even though I tried so hard, it would never fully connect

Never been able to feel comfortable in social situations, unless I faked a big fat smile

Always over thinking

Always late

The most incredible long term memory, but constantly forgetting what I went upstairs for, or walked in the kitchen for

Always loosing things

Getting distracted super easy, I can sit there an do a to-do list, and ten minutes later, forget about my to-do list

Always forgetting to take pills, I can set alarms on my phone, have them on my desk, etc and still forget.

Not thinking rationally when my emotions are high, if i’m pissed off, i’m pissed off, especially if I think someone is being unfair, i’m a huge believer in fairness.

Avoiding friends and conversations, because I feel that it will take up too much of my time chatting, (this is something I have worked super hard on, because I just do not make enough time for those people that matter and love me.

Fidget constantly

Read the film plot to any film I watch because 9/10 I know I will no doubt become distracted at some point.

Compete with myself and others, I always used to think I was super competitive, but ADHD takes this. to the next level.

Difficulty concentrating

Impulsive shopping, and using shopping as a band aid, if feeling crap

Impulse decision making, again something I have hard on

Low frustration tolerance

Its a strange one, my ex didn’t ever really believe in mental health issues, as I was being diagnosed, he would just say, no Kerry thats just you, well of course its just me, lol, its not anyone else is it, a lot of people especially the over 60’s don’t want to see mental health, stuck in the 1900s mind set of ‘They’re barmy’ , such a cuntish way of thinking, anyone with depression or anxiety of anything ‘diagnosed’ isn’t real, because you can’t see it, and would rather label people bonkers and call it nonsense, but these are the same people that are probably racist homophobes to. People are Twats! Mental health awareness has become incredible and so advanced in the last 20 years, mental health has become part of our culture, an open culture, where we are all proud whoever we are in life, and say THIS IS ME!

Speaking to another of my long term exes recently, I asked him, would he change anything about me, and did my ADHD ever affect the 4years I spent with him, and his reply was – ‘Kerry you were different, but in a good way, because you pushed me to be where I am today, and we never stopped laughing and fucking’ !!! We only broke up due to his career taking off and him moving abroad, but I always like to ask exes what they thought of our relationship. One thing David recently said was, I was always busy, and he is super laid back, but I guess to some extent I did neglect our love, but post natal depression and PTSD also added to this, I would have to ask for a cuddle, when we went for meals he would be reading the news on his phone, rather than have conversation, so I got to a point and he did, of sleeping in separate rooms, and blaming his snoring, it’s amazing that you can live with someone and be around them day in and day out, and still feel so incredibly lonely, ADHD does make you feel rejection in a different way to the other 95% of the population, you take everything personally, its dressed up as saying you wear your heart on your sleeve, but wow, when you feel thrown in the rejection bin you can hit a real low, the same if you feel you’ve lost at something you really wanted to win. Sore looser is an understatement.

I would say if you can associate with any of this, you have nothing to loose by getting tested, because depending on the level of ADHD you have medication could really change your life… if you remember to take it 😉

If you have ADHD and want to write a guest post, contact me, as sharing is caring!!!

Love

Kerry xx