Month: December 2025

To the Man Turning 40: This Isn’t a Crisis — It’s a Reckoning

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

(A Coach/therapist’s letter to men who feel restless, disconnected, and quietly unfulfilled)

If you’re a man approaching 40, or already there climbing up the big steep hill to the next milestone, and you feel unsettled in a way you can’t quite explain — this is for you.

Not because something has gone “wrong”, but because something has finally become clear.

Most men don’t wake up at 40 and announce, “I’m having a midlife crisis.”

What actually happens is far quieter.

You start feeling bored by things that used to distract you.

You feel irritated by routines you once accepted.

You look at your relationship, your job, your social life — and can start to feel strangely disconnected from all of it.

And the most confusing part? Nothing is obviously broken….

Why This Age Hits Men So Hard – The Biological Facts!

As a coach and trainee therapist, I sit with men every week who say some version of:

“I don’t know what’s wrong. I should be happy, but I’m not.”

At 40, men reach a point where autopilot stops working.

Let’s pause and talk about something many guys never learn in school: your hormones are not static. They change over time, and that matters deeply for your energy, mood, desire, and how you experience life and relationships.

Around the age of 40, many men begin to feel changes that don’t feel random and that’s because they’re linked to very real shifts in hormone biology.

Testosterone Doesn’t Fall Off a Cliff – It Declines Gradually

Unlike what you might hear in the media, men don’t go through a sudden “male menopause” like women do. Instead, testosterone, the hormone most closely associated with male biological identity, begins to decline slowly and steadily from around your 30s onward. Research shows this decline is roughly about 1 % per year after age 30. 

To put that in perspective:

  • At 30, your testosterone is near its adult peak.
  • By 40, you’ve already experienced years of gradual decline.
  • By 50–60, the difference is more noticeable both physically and emotionally.  

This slow hormonal change is often referred to in medical literature as part of andropause or late-onset hypogonadism, though those terms can sometimes be misleading because the shift is gradual, not abrupt, and affects each man differently. 

What Testosterone Actually Does

Testosterone plays many roles in your body — far beyond libido:

  • It helps maintain muscle mass and strength.
  • It supports bone density and skeletal health.
  • It influences red blood cell production and overall energy.
  • It plays a part in mood, motivation, and emotional regulation.
  • It stimulates sexual desire and reproductive function.  

So when testosterone dips – even just a bit — it can show up in ways that feel psychological, emotional, and physical all at once.

Why You Might Not Notice at First

Because the decline is gradual, most men don’t feel a “switch flip.” Instead, you start noticing:

  • Less energy, even after decent sleep
  • Motivation that once came easily now requires effort
  • Lower drive and desire in sex and life
  • Mood shifts, more irritation, less patience
  • Reduced confidence or feeling “not quite myself”
  • Changes in body composition a bit more fat, a bit less muscle
  • A creeping sense that things aren’t as fun anymore  

These aren’t dramatic changes one day, they’re the subtle results of years of small hormonal shifts and because testosterone influences mood and motivation, these shifts can feel emotional before they feel biological.

It’s Not Just Testosterone — The Whole System Changes

The production of testosterone is governed by a feedback loop between your brain and your testes. With age, this loop becomes less efficient, meaning your body produces slightly less hormone and responds slightly differently to what it does produce. 

Plus, other hormones like growth hormone and adrenal androgens (which also affect vitality and stress response) decline over time too, so the whole hormonal landscape shifts. 

Why This Matters at 40

At 40, these hormonal shifts often intersect with life reality checks, relationship strains, career plateau, unmet goals, changing bodies, and the first real awareness of time passing.

That’s why what feels like a “crisis” often feels like:

  • low energy
  • lack of motivation
  • creeping dissatisfaction
  • longing for something more

Not because you’re weak —

but because your internal chemistry has changed, and your brain is suddenly comparing your inner experience to your outer life expectations and when your internal validation sources aren’t as strong as they once were, your brain starts searching externally, in relationships, sex, novelty, validation from others, and fantasies that feel exciting precisely because they promise a rush of feeling alive again.

Biologically, testosterone begins to fluctuate and slowly decline. This doesn’t just affect libido, it affects drive, confidence, tolerance, and motivation. What you once pushed down or ignored suddenly demands attention.

Psychologically, your brain shifts from building mode to meaning mode. You start asking:

  • Is this the life I actually chose?
  • Have I lived for myself, or for everyone else?
  • Who am I?
  • If nothing changes, is this really how I want the next 40 years to look?

This is not weakness. This is self-awareness arriving late, because no one taught you how to access it earlier.

The Life of Convenience (And Why It Feels Like a Trap)

Many men arrive at 40 realising they didn’t consciously design their life – they slid into it.

The relationship made sense.

The job was stable.

The family structure worked.

The expectations were met.

But alignment and convenience are not the same thing.

A lot of men are not unhappy because their partner is “wrong” – they’re unhappy because they were never honest about who they were or what they needed, and do start to feel everything became about convenience, and now that’s not enough..

So now you feel:

  • tied down
  • under pressure
  • emotionally muted
  • resentful without knowing why

Not because someone is controlling you, but because you’ve been people-pleasing your way through adulthood.

You learned early that being a “good man” meant not rocking the boat. Now you’re suffocating in the boat you never questioned getting into.

Validation: The Missing Piece No One Talks About

Let’s talk about validation, because this is at the core of so much male behaviour at this age. Men are rarely taught how to validate themselves.

Your worth has likely been measured by:

  • productivity
  • providing
  • being wanted
  • being chosen
  • being a team player
  • being useful
  • being successful in sports and work

By 40, many men feel invisible. At work, you’re replaceable. At home, you’re functional. In your relationship, you’re familiar.

So your nervous system starts searching for external confirmation that you still matter.

This is where validation-seeking behaviours appear.

Let’s Talk About the Relationship You’re In

If you’re around 40, there’s a good chance the relationship you’re in wasn’t chosen with full awareness, because you weren’t the man you are now when you entered it.

You might be with your first love, the person you grew up with, changed with, adapted to, without ever stopping to ask whether you still fit each other.

You might be with your second or third serious partner, a relationship formed after heartbreak, loneliness, or the fear of starting again Or you might be in a relationship that simply worked at the time, it felt safe, sensible, and stable and now feels flat, distant, or restrictive.

None of this makes you a bad man. It makes you human – and honest enough to notice change.

Why You’re Still There, Even If You’re Unhappy

Let me say this clearly, because men rarely hear it said plainly.

You’re probably not staying because you’re happy.

You’re staying because you’re afraid.

Afraid of hurting someone you care about.

Afraid of being judged.

Afraid of losing access to your children.

Afraid of starting again at 40.

Afraid that you won’t be chosen again.

But underneath all of that is a quieter fear, one most men don’t name:

The fear of being alone with yourself.

If you’ve moved from one relationship to another, or if you’ve never truly been single as an adult, the idea of being alone can feel confronting rather than freeing, and it’s not what your ‘mates’ are doing –

This relationship may be doing more than offering companionship. It may be protecting you from having to face yourself, and providing that comforting feeling of conforming.

Be Honest: Did You Choose This, or Did You Settle?

I’m not asking this to shame you.

I’m asking because clarity matters.

Settling sounds like:

  • It’s not perfect, but nothing is.
  • I should be grateful.
  • It’s easier to stay.
  • I’ve already invested so much.
  • I do love her but…
  • I often think of someone else, but I couldn’t her
  • It just works.. I guess
  • Everyone else is married off..

Choosing sounds different:

  • I can be myself here, everything aligns perfect
  • I feel emotionally and physically connected.
  • I don’t have to shrink or perform.
  • This relationship supports the man I’m becoming.

If you’re honest, you already know which one you’re doing.

Why the Thought of Being Single Feels So Heavy

Being single at 40 can feel like failure, especially in a culture that measures men by stability and continuity. However the real weight isn’t social, It’s emotional.

Being single means:

  • no distraction
  • no automatic validation
  • no role to hide behind

It forces you to ask: Who am I without this relationship?

If you’ve never learned how to self-validate, self-soothe, or sit with your own emotions, that question can feel overwhelming.

So staying feels safer than facing it.

Here’s the Truth Most Men Avoid

If you can’t imagine being single, that doesn’t mean you should stay.

It means you haven’t yet built a relationship with yourself.

Being single at 40 isn’t a failure.

For many men, it’s a developmental stage you were never encouraged to enter earlier.

It’s where you:

  • stop performing
  • rebuild self-trust
  • learn what you actually want
  • choose a partner rather than needing one

Men who never allow themselves this phase often repeat the same relationship – different person, same dynamic, because there hasn’t been growth, maybe healing, but not growth! Are you back on the couch each night? Are you secretly thinking about someone else?

Staying Isn’t Always the Noble Choice

Staying in the wrong relationship doesn’t protect anyone in the long run.

It creates:

  • quiet resentment
  • emotional withdrawal
  • sexual disconnection
  • fantasy lives outside the relationship
  • a slow erosion of self-respect

Leaving doesn’t make you selfish. Staying disconnected doesn’t make you loyal.

The real issue isn’t leaving or staying – it’s living unconsciously.

What I’d Ask You as Your Therapist

Before you ask yourself,

“Should I leave or stay?”

Ask yourself:

  • Am I here out of love, or out of fear?
  • Can I be fully honest in this relationship?
  • Do I feel more myself, or less, when I’m in it?
  • If nothing changed, could I accept this life forever?
  • Is she the one who blows my mind, and am I happy sleeping with her for the rest of my life?

You don’t need immediate answers. You do need the courage to stop avoiding the questions.

Because the most painful thing I see men do at this age

isn’t leaving a relationship – it’s staying silent and slowly disappearing inside it.

Men block away the questions, block away the doubt and try and plod on, and what the fuck for? To live a life you’ve never really wanted? To make do?? Is this all life means to you?

This is the problem – Because this is where the need for validation, can take strong hold, this is where affairs can creep in.. and suddenly your mind starts to wander..

Seeking out the answers..

Why Younger Women Suddenly start to stand out..

When a younger woman shows interest, it doesn’t just feel flattering – it feels restorative.

It says:

  • You’re still attractive.
  • You still have power.
  • You still have options.
  • You’re not past it.

This isn’t always about sex.

It’s about identity repair.

Dating apps amplify this. You lower your age. You lower the age you’re searching for. You chase the dopamine hit of being wanted rather than asking yourself what you actually want.

But here’s the part I challenge men on in coaching therapy:

If you don’t want more children, repeatedly choosing women without children, or significantly younger women, is not accidental.

It’s avoidance.

You’re outsourcing clarity to the future and hoping it won’t cost anyone.

That’s not malicious – but it is your responsibility.

You look at women, and think – “will my friends be impressed by her”, “Will she fit into my social circle”, “Will she make me feel younger” , I mean yes, yes and yes, but after the first year or two, you will realise, this isn’t enough. When your baby raising days are over, you’re sat now with a childless younger woman, and the question of “Do I really want to become a father again?” – Now do you people-please, or take the reigns and seek what you truly want.

Sex, Threesomes, and the Search for Validation

Around this age, many men suddenly start thinking about sexual exploration – threesomes, older women, young women, experimentation, novelty, fantasies they ignored earlier in life.

Let me be very clear:

This is not about being perverted, broken, or immature.

It’s about validation multiplied.

Being desired by one woman reassures you. Being desired by two feels like confirmation of masculinity, relevance, and power.

It can feel like stepping into a “boss era” — admired, wanted, envied.

But here’s the question I ask men:

“What do you think this experience would finally prove about you?”

Because sexual novelty often isn’t about pleasure – it’s about self-worth.

There is nothing wrong with curiosity. There is a risk when curiosity becomes a way to avoid looking at deeper dissatisfaction.

If your life feels flat, sex becomes the fantasy of aliveness. If your identity feels lost, desire becomes proof you still exist, so multiplying that in a ménage a trois.

Children, Regret, and the Illusion of Starting Over

Many men at 40 already have children – and for the first time in years, life is easing.

Your kids are more independent. You’re getting space back.

You can breathe.

This is why the idea of another baby creates such conflict.

A new child can symbolise youth, purpose, and renewal, that fresh feeling of a new little love in your life, but it also means losing autonomy again, and as stats prove, children 2nd time around can cause much more conflict. The woman you chose second time around, who made you feel young, alive again, suddenly becomes mum, and the circle that trapped you in the first cycle, starts all over again.

I work with men who agree to another child not because they want one, but because they don’t want to disappoint their partner or face difficult conversations – again people-pleasing!!

That isn’t selflessness.

That’s fear and fear-based choices are where resentment is born.

Men’s Mental Health at 40: What I See in the coaching Room

Men don’t usually talk about this stage — they act it out.

They:

  • withdraw emotionally
  • fantasise about escape
  • chase validation
  • avoid honesty
  • live parallel lives

Not because they’re selfish – but because no one taught them how to process change without running from it.

If you recognise yourself here, I want you to hear this:

You are not broken.

You are not failing.

You are waking up.

My Advice…

Before you change your relationship, your partner, your sex life, or your future – pause.

Ask yourself:

  • Where am I seeking validation instead of self-acceptance?
  • What have I never allowed myself to say out loud?
  • Am I avoiding discomfort, or avoiding truth?
  • If I keep living this way, who do I become?

You don’t need to implode your life.

You do need to stop abandoning yourself.

Sometimes staying and rebuilding is the bravest thing. Sometimes leaving honestly is the healthiest thing.

What matters is that you choose, consciously – instead of drifting.

What do you really want? Who do you really want? Are you happy to conform? Are you happy with you? What is missing? What brought you here…

To the Man Reading This

You’re allowed to want more than convenience.

You’re allowed to evolve.

You’re allowed to change your mind.

You’re allowed to prioritise authenticity over approval.

Turning 40 isn’t about getting your youth back.

It’s about finally becoming the man you never had space to be.

And that journey doesn’t start with validation from women, sex, or novelty — it starts with honesty.

With yourself..

(Contact me for Coaching – transformwithkerry@gmail.com)

Why Studying Relationships, Love and Sex -Changed My Dating Life

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Why I date different Now: Time, Boundaries and emotional capacity.

As I study to become a therapist – particularly in love, attachment, sexual development, and relationships, something unexpected has happened.

The more I understand relationships, the more intentional I’ve become about the ones I allow into my life.

That doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith in love.

It means I’ve gained clarity.

What Being a Gentleman Really Means

There’s a difference between manners and character. Small gestures matter, of course, but real emotional maturity goes deeper than surface charm. Consistency, integrity, and follow-through are what sustain connection over time.

Connection isn’t something you perform for a few weeks. It’s something you live, especially when things slow down, become familiar, or require effort.

Boundaries Are Not Barriers

People often assume that because I set boundaries clearly, I must be “hard work.”

But boundaries aren’t walls, they’re guidelines for respect.

If someone wants my mind, my connection, my body, and my energy, that should be mutual. I believe both people should earn each other, at the same pace, with the same intention.

My Love Language Is Time

One thing I’ve come to understand about myself is that my love language is time.

Not grand gestures. Not constant texting. BUT Presence.

Time is the clearest signal of intention. When someone makes time for you, they’re showing that they’re open, emotionally and practically, to building something. They’re showing availability, not just interest.

And equally important: not everyone can make time.

That doesn’t make someone wrong, unavailable, or unkind. Sometimes people are aligned with you in many ways, but they simply don’t have the capacity for a relationship, logistically, emotionally, or both. The age I’m at now, men and women are in their ‘Selfish’ phase recapturing the years as a parent or wrong relationship, so letting someone else in, doesn’t often work, until they’ve really healed. I spot it a mile off, and it makes me back off, because I will test the waters with availability, and I get a feeling very fast. However like I always say it is what it is, and one mans loss is another mans gain.. (I fucking hope so anyway)

And that has to be okay… I think?

Capacity Matters — On Both Sides

I often question whether I have the capacity for a relationship myself. Between my work, my studies, and the life I’ve built, I’ve had to ask that honestly.

This summer felt like a quiet test. What I noticed is that when someone genuinely captures my heart, I do make time. I create space. I shift priorities. There is with me a pull towards want, I may not need, but I would say ‘Like’ a relationship, and yes that key evidence is time..

That’s how I know time matters to me — because I offer it when it’s real.

What I don’t yet know is whether I’ve captured someone else’s heart in the same way. Post Covid dating, is a mile away from dating 10 years ago, and it’s literally horrific!

Intention Over Attention

I’m not interested in connection without direction.. I mean what is the point in one night stands, no thank you, I deserve better!

I don’t want endless messaging with no plan, or conversations that drift without purpose. I value intention, presence, and someone who wants to see me, and shows that through action. I value a man who is confident in dating women his own age, and not dating women 10 years younger just to find validation. Connection is so important.

There’s something deeply reassuring about someone who says, “I want to spend time with you,” and then follows through.

I’m Not a Text Pen Pal

What I have noticed lately is men wanting to access without intention.

They chat, They disappear, They return, they mirror your interests, They force connection. All desperation – not desire.

I don’t want nor need

  • A text pen pal
  • Endless FaceTimes to pass someones lonely nights
  • Swiping apps
  • Emotional ambiguity

I want leadership. I’m a traditional – Not in a submission, but in polarity. I’m not trying to be ‘one of the boys’. I’m very much in my feminine power, and I want a man who meets me in his masculine – Naturally, not performatively.

Consistency Is the Foundation

Consistency is the bare minimum. Inconsistency is just a flag for me (pink or red situation dependent) Inconsistency doesn’t make someone a bad person , it simply reveals misalignment.

I don’t need validation. I’m confident in who I am and the life I’ve created. What I look for is consistency, curiosity, and emotional availability, someone who shows up, communicates clearly, and understands that connection requires time, not just words.

My life, my look can intimidate men, but then I look at the exes I have remained friends with, and they know the real me, the soft, nurturing wife, mummy, friend. So I know those I intimidate.. aren’t right for me, I saw that this summer, he chipped away at everything he fell in love with it.. because as you will recall what was said ‘Kerry Men are 51% and women will always be 49%.

Alone Isn’t the Same as Lonely

I’m not afraid of being single. I value my independence and my peace. What I’m mindful of is choosing wisely. The fear isn’t weakness – It’s wisdom! 42 Years of Kerry wisdom perfected. My own self awareness so awake, that there is a completeness to knowing exactly what I want, but also what I deserve.

The right connection won’t require me to wonder where I stand. It will feel reciprocal, steady, and considered.

This isn’t just about me though, it’s about everyone.

Don’t settle, AIM HIGH!

No I don’t mean in the sense of constantly chasing ‘something better’ but in recognising real alignment when it happens, when it appears, and CHERISH IT!

When someone truly sees you, chooses you and shows up, that’s rare and that’s special – Hold onto that!

So Where Am I Now?

Right now, I’m here — grounded, open, and discerning.

As you mature, things change, the boat gets rocked, one day you wake up, and the boyfriend type who used to fit in with your friends and social circle, seems somewhat distant, the conforming boyfriends, seems a million miles away from where you want to be. Yes my 20’s and 30’s the looks, the social circle and friendship circles mattered, but as you mature, you start to realise, what seemed like perfect alignments, change.. and wow the last 2 years, I’ve felt the shift in me.

I believe there is someone out there who understands that time is love. Someone who has the capacity to show up, to plan, to be present and maybe not perfectly, but intentionally. Yes I closed the door on potentials very quickly, because I’m high value, and I don’t need ‘maybe’ in my life. You’re in or out.. let’s not work with blurred or grey lines.

And if that person hasn’t found me yet, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist..

It just means the story isn’t finished… and these mishaps (ahem Mistakes ssssh) that I keep having, are just part of my own journey… so I’m returning back to my morning coffee and all I can say is….

TO BE CONTINUED….

Why Modern Dating Hurts So Much: Attachment, Rejection, and Healing in Today’s Post-COVID World

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Modern dating is changing us. Not just how we meet partners, but how we relate to ourselves, our self-worth, our boundaries, our hope for connection. Something in today’s dating culture is making us forget who we are, what we deserve, and how to love ourselves first.

I’ve been watching, not just in my life, but in conversations, in friends’ stories, in what feels like the general pulse of modern love, and I’ve realised there’s something dark and quiet happening inside us. There’s something about today’s post-COVID dating world that’s not just reshaping the way we date, but the way we see ourselves. and I think it’s worth calling it out and us taking time to visit this…

Today’s post-COVID dating world is fast, unpredictable, and constantly in motion. Apps give us swipe-based access to hundreds of faces we never would have met 20 years ago. On paper, it looks like endless choice. In reality, it often produces:

  • emotional burnout
  • attachment anxiety
  • confusion and insecurity
  • fear of intimacy
  • fear of rejection

We’re wired for love – but we’re living in a culture that prioritises availability over authenticity and options over depth.

We’re wired for connection – but the environment keeps pulling us away

As human beings, our biology and psychology are designed for connection, belonging, intimacy. From the moment we were born, being seen, held, accepted mattered. Security, attachment, we evolved to crave these things because they helped us survive and thrive.

But fast forward to now, apps, social media, endless options, midnight messages, “situationships,” and ghosting. On paper, we have more “freedom” and “choice” than ever. But in practice, many of us are more isolated, more anxious, more starved for real connection.

We’ve built a dating culture that normalises disposability and emotional detachment, a culture where it’s normal to treat intimacy like a transaction, and then wonder why we feel hollow.

So when someone shows even a gesture of interest, a kind smile, a compliment,  a deep chat, even just attention, our nervous system reacts like it’s light. We crave that light. We lean into that possibility of warmth the way a plant leans toward the sun. It’s instinct, it awakens us, we WANT the light!

The biology of intimacy – why “casual” doesn’t stay casual

We tell ourselves we’re fine with casual. However our biology often thinks differently. Intimacy, emotional or physical – releases chemicals: hormones like oxytocin, bound up with bonding and trust; neurotransmitters like dopamine, tied with reward, pleasure, anticipation. Touch, warmth, closeness – they make us feel safe, seen, wanted.

Human beings aren’t built for disposability. Physically, emotionally, chemically:

  • Oxytocin (bonding + connection hormone)
  • Dopamine (reward + longing chemical)
  • Vasopressin (attachment + pair-bonding hormone)

These aren’t psychological myths — they’re biology. Intimacy signals to the brain:

Once those signals hit us, we begin to tether, Not necessarily consciously, but deep in our limbic system: “This person made me feel something real.” Maybe for a night, Maybe for a conversation. But real enough.

When that tether is formed, the weight of rejection doesn’t just feel like a lost relationship – it feels like a disruption of safety, of attachment, of self-value.

That’s why sometimes, after the “casual thing,” heartbreak doesn’t feel casual at all. It feels raw, visceral, heavy, because we attached, and tried to convince ourselves “We just wanted fun”. 

Attachment styles, vulnerability and the modern dating trap

Part of the struggle lies in our variation in attachment styles. Some of us find comfort in closeness; some recoil at it; some oscillate between the two. Roughly a third to two-fifths of adults show some kind of insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant or disorganised). Among those, some lean toward anxious attachment – craving closeness and validation, but haunted by fear of abandonment or rejection.

In a dating environment rife with uncertainty (ghosting, mixed signals, hot-and-cold behaviour, ambiguous “situationships”), anxious people get caught in a loop:

  • They seek validation: “If I can just get this person to like me – text me, stay with me – I’ll feel safe.”
  • They become available, open, emotionally generous, seeking connection.
  • But availability sometimes gets misinterpreted as access, not value.
  • They stay, hoping for stability or love; but often meet inconsistency, indifference, or rejection.
  • Their own emotional need is dismissed, ignored, or undercut – and they’re left feeling replaceable.

That leaves a deeper wound than just being single. It chips away at self-worth. It consumes us. We try to convince ourselves we have the power, but we don’t! We don’t at all, but our conscious mind will do anything to convince us, ‘We’re ok!’ 

The paradox of “availability” vs “value” in modern dating

Here’s the painful paradox I keep seeing and not only that, what I have experienced myself:

  • If a person (often a woman) is warm, available, open to love – they are ready for connection. They offer emotional honesty, clarity, possibility.
  • Yet, sometimes the people who are genuinely looking for that kind of connection don’t recognise its value. They expect something easier: fun, convenience, less emotional labour.
  • On the other hand, a person who seems harder to get – more aloof, more “mysterious,” more reserved – can sometimes be perceived as more desirable simply because there’s a sense of challenge, of scarcity, of chase.

Sociologically and psychologically, it’s a glaring mismatch between what we need (authentic connection, emotional honesty, mutual respect) and what gets rewarded (scarcity, challenge, detachment).

It’s not about “blame” – it’s about recognising that the marketplace of modern dating values the wrong things and for those who come to it with softness, vulnerability, readiness for love –  it’s often the hardest place to find what they genuinely seek.

Rejection: more than just “loss” it’s an identity fracture

When we get rejected, when someone disappears, or treats us like we were never a priority, it doesn’t just sting. It shakes something deeper. I myself have struggled over the years with this, even trying with various therapists to understand the root cause of it all, and I know the answers now, however for most of my life, I was left feeling unwanted, unloved and rejected..

  • Validation-based self-worth: If a lot of our self-esteem depends on “being wanted,” then rejection becomes proof of inadequacy, unworthiness, or invisibility.
  • Attachment rupture: Because our nervous system may have already started to bond, rejection doesn’t feel like a story that ends , it feels like a safe place collapsing, and our whole world is crumbling
  • Internalising blame: We tend to whisper (or shout) to ourselves: “I’m too much / not enough / unlovable.” And instead of seeing that the system is what’s broken, we turn the mirror on ourselves.

In today’s environment, rejection isn’t just a breakup. It’s often felt like a personal failure.

What are we really chasing and what’s missing?

Maybe what we’re seeking is not another person. Maybe we’re seeking:

  • To be seen, to feel that someone understands us beyond the surface.
  • To be valued, to believe that who we are, what we bring, matters.
  • To be safe , emotionally, physically, mentally.
  • To belong,  to connect, to share, to build.

What so many of us discover and sometimes too late, is that these things likely begin with self. If we don’t see ourselves as worthy, safe, valuable, and whole … then no external validation can truly fill that void.

And what gets missing in that chase is often self-respect, self-compassion, self-understanding.

Healing isn’t about “not wanting love” – it’s about redefining where love starts

We can’t necessarily change the system. We can’t rename apps. We can’t make society stop valuing challenge over emotional availability. But we can start changing ourselves. We can build a different inner story. One grounded not in external validation, but internal integrity.

Here’s a rough “healing script” I’m writing for myself , maybe you, or anyone reading this, might relate too:

  1. Recognise my own worth – independent of attention. I am worthy whether someone texts me or not. I am love; I don’t need someone else to confirm it.
  2. Slow down intimacy – emotional and physical. Intimacy doesn’t have to be fast. I give my body, my heart the time to read: “Is this person safe? Do I feel respected?” before I lean in. Of course as any sexual being, of course I crave intimacy, but after my celibacy journey I realised, what I have holds value to me.
  3. Cultivate inner validation, with self-care, self-love, self-respect. I get to look in the mirror and say: “You matter. You deserve respect. You don’t need to chase love – you need to walk towards it.”
  4. Seek emotional clarity – not just physical. I value people who show up with words and actions that match. I’m not afraid to ask: “What do you want? Why are you here?”!!! Don’t be afraid to as that! Sleeping with someone will not suddenly make them fall in love with you! Trust me im pretty confident in the bedroom, but it doesn’t cast them under some love spell!
  5. Set boundaries – protect my time, energy, heart. I will not compromise my self-respect just to feel desired or accepted. I will leave what feels like convenience rather than connection.
  • Find belonging in my community and self-worth in purpose. Real love, trust, and belonging may come from friendships, passions, creativity – not just romantic pursuit.
  • Hold space for growth, patience, and self-compassion. Healing takes time. I might stumble, I might be impatient. I choose to believe that I and the people who deserve me, are worth waiting for.

Conclusion: Relearning love from the inside out

This isn’t a manifesto against dating, sex, or modern love. I still believe in love. I still believe in connection. I still believe in the power of human closeness.

What we’re really fighting against,  what we need to heal from, is the dissonance between what our hearts and bodies crave, and what this fast-moving world offers.

We’re not broken for wanting love, or for wanting closeness. We’re human. We’re wired for bonding, for care, for tenderness.

But maybe the first step is to stop chasing love as a drug. Maybe the first step is to reclaim love from within, to remind ourselves that we are already whole, already worthy, already enough. To remind ourselves its all just chemical reactions… 

Maybe then, when we do open ourselves to another person, it won’t be out of desperation, longing, or validation-hunger, but out of a surplus of self-love.

Because the love we truly deserve isn’t transactional. It’s not earned by being “easy to get” or “hard to win.” It’s simply a reflection, of how much we respect ourselves, believe in ourselves, and hold ourselves worthy of loyalty, kindness, and care.

Maybe, if enough of us do that , change the way we love ourselves first,  we begin to change the way we let others love us.