Category: Dating Tips

The best sex of My Life started at 40 and Trust me so can yours to!

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

There’s a quiet lie we’re told as women: that sex peaks when we’re young, slim, inexperienced, and eager to please.

My reality has been the exact opposite.

Sex in my 20s was full of nerves. I was in my head. I was performing. I was worried about angles, stomach rolls, facial expressions, whether I was “too much” or “not enough.” I thought confidence meant pretending — pretending to orgasm, pretending to enjoy things, pretending I knew what I was doing.

Now, in my 40s, sex lives in my body, not my head.

And the difference is everything.

The Body Shift: Strength Changed My Sexuality

One of the biggest turning points for me wasn’t age, it was movement.

Since committing to Pilates, yoga, stretching, and strength-based movement, my relationship with my body has fundamentally changed. My body doesn’t just exist anymore, it moves with intention. I understand it. I feel it. I trust it.

Flexibility, stamina, and strength didn’t just improve my posture or how my clothes fit — they transformed how I experience sex.

I move with confidence.

I don’t fatigue the way I once did.

I feel grounded, present, and powerful.

I can stay engaged, connected, and responsive for longer.

And that stamina? It unlocked a level of sexual intensity I had never experienced before.

Honestly — extraordinary is the only word for it.

Weight Loss, Fitness, and the Confidence Loop

Let’s be honest, losing weight and becoming physically fitter did shift my confidence, however not in the way people assume. It wasn’t about being smaller. It was about being stronger, more capable, more embodied.

That physical confidence created a loop:

I felt good in my body.

So I trusted my body.

So I surrendered more during sex.

So sex became deeper, more intense.

Which made me feel even more confident.

In my 40s, when I’m into someone, I’m really into them. There’s no half-heartedness. No distraction. No performance. I show up fully, and that intensity is intoxicating, for me and for the person I’m with.

Intensity Grows With Age — If You Let It

One thing no one talks about enough is this: sexual intensity can increase as you get older.

For me, orgasms didn’t even really exist in my early 20s — I faked them, yep I did, like so many women do. At 27, I experienced my first real multiple orgasm, and since then? It’s been a steady, powerful evolution.

Now, in my 40s, my orgasms are deeper, more embodied, more consuming, and more connected to my breath and movement.

I experience different kinds of orgasms depending on the type of sex I’m having. That curiosity, that openness — is something I never allowed myself when I was younger.

This past year, despite being one of the worst years I’ve ever had for dating emotionally, I also experienced some of the best sex of my life.

Not because of luck.

Because of freedom.

Open-Mindedness Without Shame

I’m not interested in ticking boxes or sticking to scripts. I’m open-minded because I understand my body and because I want sex to evolve, not stagnate.

For me, that has meant being curious about introducing new sensations into my sex life and not being afraid to explore what heightens pleasure. That curiosity has included experimenting with things like poppers (alkyl nitrites), and honestly, the intensity they can bring to orgasm is on another level entirely, crazy you can buy these things on Amazon, for a girl that doesn’t even have caffeine in her coffee, this was quite the experience. I’ve never considered myself a drug taker and I never will be, but poppers are widely available and, when used intentionally, the heightened sensation they create during sex can feel absolutely explosive. The intensity is difficult to describe — it’s consuming, immersive, and unlike anything I had experienced before, however it only adds, to what needs to be incredible sex.

But exploration doesn’t have to mean anything extreme. Sometimes it’s the smaller ingredients that completely transform the experience. Teasing. Anticipation. Power dynamics. Touch. I know, as a woman, that I love to be teased. I love a sense of confidence and masculinity from a man. I love the energy shift when someone knows exactly what they’re doing and isn’t afraid to lean into it.

That’s the point: electrifying sex looks different for every woman.

And we’re allowed to ask ourselves what makes it electric for us.

Why limit ourselves to the same routine, the same positions, the same outcomes? Why assume sex has to look one way? Now as I have sexually matured, certain positions I just don’t enjoy anymore, mainly because I feel that break in connection, such as ‘Doggy Style’ , I mean it just feels a bit cheap, but hey reverse cowgirl, kinda still a turn on! Just exploring different types of intimacy, deeper connection through oral sex, different forms of touch, or new dynamics, can unlock entirely different kinds of pleasure and orgasmic experiences.

I don’t see exploration as reckless, I see it as intentional and embodied. When you’re grounded in yourself, you know your limits. You know your boundaries and you know what feels right for you.

Sex doesn’t have to be repetitive to be safe.

It doesn’t have to be predictable to be satisfying.

And it certainly doesn’t have to stay the same forever, you can keep a relationship for years and with the right amount of effort keep the power of sex off the scale..

Sex Stops Being About Impressing — And Starts Being About Pleasure

In my 30s, sex often felt like an audition. Trying to impress. Trying to be chosen. Trying to be desirable.

In my 40s, sex is something I do for me.

And here’s the secret no one tells you:

When you’re having sex for your pleasure, partners feel it immediately.

Confidence is contagious.

I take the lead when I want to. I give guidance without apology. I’m not afraid to say what I want, how I want it, or to invite someone to explore my body with me.

And presence? Presence is magnetic.

Fantasy, Anticipation, and the Power of Desire

Right now, I’m in a period of celibacy and yet, my desire feels more alive than ever.

I have my eye on someone and WOW the anticipation? Electric.

Fantasy has become richer with age, not desperate or rushed, but slow, intentional, delicious.

Masturbation, Self-Knowledge, and Sexual Ownership

A woman who knows how to pleasure herself is a woman who knows her body.

Masturbation isn’t something you “outgrow.” It’s something you grow into.

Self-pleasure builds confidence, awareness, and autonomy. It reminds you that your body belongs to you.

What I Know Now (That I Didn’t Then)

Confidence is sexier than perfection.

Strength and stamina matter more than youth.

Orgasms deepen when you’re embodied, not self-conscious.

Desire doesn’t disappear with age — it matures.

When you’re free in your body, your partner feels free too.

A Message to Women Reading This

If you’re in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or beyond, your most satisfying sex may still be ahead of you.

Move your body.

Get strong.

Touch yourself without shame.

Explore curiosity over performance.

Let confidence come from inside.

Sex doesn’t fade with age — it evolves.

And for me? I can honestly say:

I’ve never been more excited about sex, life and my future sex life— than I am now… and I want you to think to yourself, create your own story, create your own sexual future… enjoy every second…

‘If you want to learn how to develop your sexual being and sexual confidence, join me for confidence coaching, I will partner with you to ensure your best sex is only weeks away’ p

Email me on transformwithkerry@gmail.com or contact me http://www.transformwithkerry.co.uk

What Would Happen If We Walked Away From Dating Apps in 2026?

TheGirlWho1 Comment

Dating apps promised connection. Instead, they’ve left many of us anxious, disposable, and lonelier than ever.

My mum doesn’t believe me when I tell her that the only real way people meet these days is through dating apps. She’s from a different generation, one where people met through friends, work, chance encounters, or simple introductions. You met someone, you liked them, and you tried to make it work.

Today, dating feels nothing like that… it’s even hard to imagine, life was that simple, once!!

In 2026, dating apps dominate modern romance, yet, more people than ever feel emotionally burnt out, disconnected, and deeply unsure about love. So I keep asking myself the same question:

What would actually happen if we all made a conscious decision to walk away from dating apps?

Dating Apps and the Rise of Modern Dating Anxiety

There’s no denying it, dating apps have rewired how we connect.

Psychologically, they operate on the same reward systems as gambling: dopamine hits, intermittent validation, endless novelty. You swipe, you match, you wait. You check notifications. You compare. You question your worth.

Research over the last few years has consistently linked dating apps to:

  • Increased anxiety and stress
  • Lower self-esteem
  • Addictive usage patterns
  • Emotional burnout

So much so that users have attempted to sue dating apps, claiming the platforms are deliberately designed to encourage compulsive behaviour, emotional dependence, and prolonged singlehood rather than healthy relationships.

And honestly? I believe it, I have seen it with my own eyes, and my eyes are so tired of it..

Recently, I deleted Tinder and Bumble completely, I barely used Raya and have now set it to friends only. I thought everything was gone — until I realised I still had Hinge on my work phone. I hadn’t checked it in weeks.

There were 236 notifications.

And I didn’t feel excited. I didn’t feel curious.

I felt sick.

I didn’t even want to open it. I just wanted my pictures offline. I didn’t want to exist digitally anymore. That, in itself, says everything about what dating apps do to us. As soon as I clicked onto it, to delete, the universe spoke, on a dark reminder of why I want to be offline, lay before me on my screen, It was like I was being told… yes delete, delete, delete, because bad people lurk here…

The Illusion of Endless Choice

Dating apps sell the idea that more choice equals better outcomes, however psychologically, the opposite is often true.

Too much choice leads to:

  • Paralysis
  • Dissatisfaction
  • Constant comparison
  • A belief that something “better” is always out there

We find a diamond and still keep fucking digging anyway… why???

People become disposable, A face, A profile, A moment of interest, then… replaced. Not because something is wrong — but because the swipe never ends. It’s so cruel, not just to others but to ourselves..

We’ve become fickle and the apps reward it.

The Scariest Part of Online Dating: The 3–4 Week Pattern

This is the part nobody wants to admit — because once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

You meet someone, You talk every day, The connection feels consistent, Warm and Promising.

Then you hit week three or week four.

And something changes.

Replies slow down, Effort drops, the tone shifts. Suddenly they’re busy. Work is stressful. Life is overwhelming. They’ve got so much on.

The good mornings , the good nights disappear. The curiosity fades.

And you’re left asking:

Why does it always seem to end here? Why do people stop trying at the exact same point?

Dating apps encourage people to fantasise rather than commit, its all words and no action, To chase excitement without responsibility. To invest emotionally just enough, until someone else catches their eye.

Because someone always does.

A girl drops into their DMs. A new face swipes right. And before you know it, the excuses begin:

“I didn’t get a chance to reply.”

“I’ve been exhausted.”

“I’ve just been really busy.”

It’s not that they suddenly became busy.

It’s that their attention moved elsewhere… and it hurts…

When You Have a Good Heart, This Hurts More

This pattern cuts deeper when you’re someone who leads with sincerity, when your heart is pure, and you just simply hope for a glimmer of happiness in love…

When you like someone, you focus. You don’t browse. You don’t keep your options open “just in case.” Once you’ve met someone, you don’t feel the need to even look at an app.

So when things fade — again — it makes you question everything:

Who do I get close to?

Who do I trust?

When is it safe to let my barriers down?

As a woman, I sometimes wish I could be colder, more guarded, less emotionally available. Like friends of mine who can detach easily and give nothing away, and play the complete bitch, and they get treated like absolute royalty..

But I can’t help who I am.

And that softness — in a swipe culture — feels like a liability…

The Emotional Cost of Subtle Withdrawal

What makes this even harder is how quiet the withdrawal is.

If you’re intuitive, you feel it instantly. You notice the shift before it’s acknowledged. The delayed replies. The lack of effort. The energy change.

So when it happens again, it’s not just disappointment — it’s exhaustion.

It makes you not want to date at all. Not because you don’t want love, but because you’re tired of walking the same emotional loop with different faces.

Sometimes, you wish the internet didn’t exist, because people used to learn how to love. They worked through boredom. They chose each other. They didn’t disappear when novelty wore off.

Now, instead of asking “Can I grow with this person?”

People ask “Who else is out there?”

And that question alone destroys connection.

This is why celibacy is so key, because we can give part of our souls, but at least our body can remain untouched and we can hold onto some dignity. The real sadness these days, is how a lot of women, do give their bodies up too early, too freely, and the men take take take.. so you’ve given everything and feel left with nothing, and it hits you twice as hard.

Are Dating Apps Really How Most People Meet?

Despite how dominant apps feel, the data tells a different story.

While dating app usage has skyrocketed over the last decade, most long-term relationships still don’t start online. Even now, the majority of couples meet through:

  • Friends
  • Work
  • Social circles
  • Shared interests
  • Real-world environments

Apps feel unavoidable, but they aren’t the only way. They’ve just become the loudest.

What If We Walked Away From Dating Apps in 2026?

If we collectively stepped back, even temporarily, something interesting might happen.

  • Effort would return — because access wouldn’t be endless
  • Presence would matter more than performance
  • People would have to communicate instead of disappearing
  • Traditions would slowly reinstall themselves

When temptation isn’t constantly in your pocket, you’re more likely to lean into what’s in front of you.

And maybe — just maybe — if we stepped away from apps once we met someone, we’d actually try. We’d communicate. We’d work through discomfort instead of escaping it.

Choosing Depth in a World Addicted to Dopamine

As I step into 2026, I don’t have all the answers when it comes to love. I don’t know where life will take me romantically. What I do know is that I’m no longer willing to participate in something that leaves me feeling anxious, disposable, or disconnected from myself. I have hopes, I have dreams, I have affection, right now even desire, and I know where my heart points… but still trying to remain the ever optimist, and hope somewhere in this big wide world, a good man who aligns still exists.. somewhere.. maybe an ocean away… but there will be that man in the world, who brings calm, brings smiles, and brings a genuine love…

Right now, I’m single and you know what I’m okay with that… because I know my worth and what I deserve… and what’s more so If I feel the tone change, trust me, I will switch off quicker than any guy saying ‘Sorry Ive had a busy day’ – FU and FU …

So until a man asks me to be his girlfriend, his girl, until there is clarity, intention, and consistency — I choose to remain exactly where I am. Open-hearted, hopeful, but no longer available for half-effort, fantasy, or emotional breadcrumbs, darling, you we’re great for the 3 week Disney story, now I have shit to do, but yes, I use the word hopeful… you just never know, what’s around the corner!

Sadly Dating apps have trained us to believe that being alone is something to fix quickly, rather than something to sit with consciously. They’ve taught us that love is abundant but shallow, that connection is instant but disposable, and that if something feels hard, there’s always another option waiting.

But real love has never worked like that.

Love requires patience. It requires discomfort. It requires staying, even when the novelty fades and perhaps that’s why so many people feel lost now: not because love no longer exists, but because we’ve forgotten how to nurture it.

We’re living in a time where people want the feeling of connection without the responsibility of maintaining it. Where intimacy is mistaken for attention. Where consistency feels rare, and emotional safety feels almost radical.

And yet — despite all of this — I don’t believe love is gone.

I believe it’s quieter now. Slower. Less performative. I believe it exists in real conversations, in shared experiences, in moments that aren’t filtered or curated for an audience. I believe it grows when temptation isn’t constantly whispering in your pocket, telling you someone else might be better.

Maybe walking away from dating apps isn’t about rejecting modern dating entirely. Maybe it’s about reclaiming our nervous systems. Relearning how to be present. Choosing depth over dopamine.

Because when you remove endless choice, what’s left is intention.

When you remove constant comparison, what’s left is appreciation.

And when you remove distraction, what’s left is the possibility of something real.

So perhaps the question isn’t “How do we find love in 2026?”

But rather:

“How do we protect it when it shows up?”

And maybe — just maybe — the answer starts with putting the phone down, stepping back into the world, and allowing connection to unfold the way it always did… slowly, imperfectly, and humanly. Maybe the olden day love is still out there, maybe we just need to allow our eyes to glance further than our phone screens, and maybe we should just cherish the connections we do make.. making our own Hollywood ending…

You never know, maybe love is already in your life.. and you’ll find it when the distractions cease…

Crossing Into 2026: Choosing Love Over Distraction, Depth Over Drift

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

There is something sacred about crossing into a new year.

It isn’t just a change of numbers, it’s a psychological threshold. A pause, A moment where we are invited to ask ourselves not what happened, but what matters now.

As we step into 2026, the question isn’t simply What do I want this year? It’s not about setting resolutions that fade out in February, its about realising just how special love is, and learning to recognise how beautiful it can me.

It’s Who do I want to be and how do I want to love?

Because a new year isn’t meant to be dreaded. It’s meant to be welcomed, with intention, courage, and hope.

A New Year Is a Reset, Not a Carryover

One of the most powerful things about a new year is that it gives us permission to put the past to bed.

The disappointments, The heartbreaks, The almosts and what-ifs.

They don’t disappear, but they no longer get to drive the car.

Psychologists often talk about the “fresh start effect”, the idea that temporal landmarks (like a new year) increase motivation for meaningful change. We are more likely to recommit to our values when we feel we are beginning again. 2026 offers that doorway.

This is the year to say:

I’m not dragging old negativity into a new season.

The Question We Avoid: Are We Actually Choosing Love?

We live in a time of endless options, but shrinking commitment.

Dating apps promise abundance, yet study after study shows that choice overload leads to dissatisfaction, not fulfillment. When we believe something better, something easier, is always one swipe away, we stop tending to what’s right in front of us.

And that’s where love quietly slips through our fingers.

What if, instead of asking “Is there someone better? Something easier?”, we asked:

  • Is there potential here?
  • Does this have legs?
  • Could this grow into something meaningful if I actually stayed present?
  • What would happen if I offered consistency to this?

Love is rarely lightning every day. More often, it’s a slow burn that deepens with care, fondness and admiration.

If You’re Looking for Love in 2026

If you are single, this year doesn’t need to be about chasing love harder, it can be about meeting it differently. Do we need to stay on the swipe conveyor belt… because just one swipe can potentially change the course and direction of our whole lives… that one swipe..

Research consistently shows that long-term relationship satisfaction is less about instant chemistry and more about shared values, emotional safety, and mutual effort.

So when you meet someone:

  • Don’t rush to judge them against a fantasy.
  • Don’t treat them as disposable, they’re a human being!!
  • Don’t assume connection must feel explosive to be real, its about alignment, shared values and making each other smile.

What if this person is also looking for love, not entertainment, not validation, not distraction—but something real?

What if this meeting is a blessing? Trying doesn’t mean settling. Trying means honoring possibility.

So many of us are lost on the love journey right now, the phrase ‘I’m not ready’, has long become get out of jail free card. People run from love, and want it, however feel love is a prison, a commitment too far.. problem is, so many people will reach middle to old age, lonely, unloved and actually with more issues than they started with…

If You Already Have Love – This Is Where the Work Begins

If you’re already in a relationship, 2026 can be revolutionary, not by adding something new, but by seeing what you already have with new eyes.

Ask yourself:

  • When was the last time I truly cherished my partner?
  • When did I last remember who they were when we first fell in love?
  • Have I been loving them—or just coexisting?

Long-term studies on marriage and partnership show that relationships don’t fail from lack of love, they fail from lack of attention, consistency and communication.

So what would it look like to start again?

  • To date your partner again.
  • To speak to them with curiosity, not assumption.
  • To remember the laughter, the tenderness, the shared dreams.

Love grows where it is noticed.

The Courage of the Next Step

A new year is also a mirror.

If you’ve been together for years, ask the honest questions:

  • Why haven’t we taken the next step?
  • What fear is holding us back?
  • Are we avoiding commitment—or avoiding growth?

Commitment doesn’t trap love—it anchors it.

Moving in together.

Getting engaged.

Building a shared future.

Making a plan.

These aren’t obligations—they’re declarations:

I choose you. Not just today, but going forward the future… my life.

Becoming Better So Love Can Become Better

Healthy love requires healthy individuals.

Multiple longitudinal studies show that personal growth, emotional regulation, and self-awareness are directly linked to relationship satisfaction. Love doesn’t ask us to be perfect—but it does ask us to be responsible.

2026 is the year to:

  • Heal what you’ve been carrying.
  • Communicate instead of withdrawing.
  • Choose kindness over defensiveness.
  • Grow not just for love—but through it.

Why This Matters More Than Ever

Swipe culture trains us to consume people instead of connect with them. The data is sobering: despite more dating access than any generation before, rates of loneliness, anxiety, and relational burnout continue to rise, especially among younger adults.

A future built on disposability leads to emptiness.

A future built on intention leads to fulfillment.

A Happy 2026 Is a Chosen One

Happiness isn’t found by accident.

Love isn’t sustained by chance.

A joyful 2026 comes from deciding:

  • To stop running.
  • To stop comparing.
  • To stop assuming something better is elsewhere.

And to start believing:

What I build with care can become extraordinary.

This year isn’t about perfection.

It’s about presence.

It’s about choosing depth over distraction.

Love over fear.

Commitment over convenience.

Let 2026 be the year we stop drifting—and start developing.

Because love, when we nurture it, doesn’t just survive.

It thrives. 💫

To the Man Turning 40: This Isn’t a Crisis — It’s a Reckoning

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

(A Coach/therapist’s letter to men who feel restless, disconnected, and quietly unfulfilled)

If you’re a man approaching 40, or already there climbing up the big steep hill to the next milestone, and you feel unsettled in a way you can’t quite explain — this is for you.

Not because something has gone “wrong”, but because something has finally become clear.

Most men don’t wake up at 40 and announce, “I’m having a midlife crisis.”

What actually happens is far quieter.

You start feeling bored by things that used to distract you.

You feel irritated by routines you once accepted.

You look at your relationship, your job, your social life — and can start to feel strangely disconnected from all of it.

And the most confusing part? Nothing is obviously broken….

Why This Age Hits Men So Hard – The Biological Facts!

As a coach and trainee therapist, I sit with men every week who say some version of:

“I don’t know what’s wrong. I should be happy, but I’m not.”

At 40, men reach a point where autopilot stops working.

Let’s pause and talk about something many guys never learn in school: your hormones are not static. They change over time, and that matters deeply for your energy, mood, desire, and how you experience life and relationships.

Around the age of 40, many men begin to feel changes that don’t feel random and that’s because they’re linked to very real shifts in hormone biology.

Testosterone Doesn’t Fall Off a Cliff – It Declines Gradually

Unlike what you might hear in the media, men don’t go through a sudden “male menopause” like women do. Instead, testosterone, the hormone most closely associated with male biological identity, begins to decline slowly and steadily from around your 30s onward. Research shows this decline is roughly about 1 % per year after age 30. 

To put that in perspective:

  • At 30, your testosterone is near its adult peak.
  • By 40, you’ve already experienced years of gradual decline.
  • By 50–60, the difference is more noticeable both physically and emotionally.  

This slow hormonal change is often referred to in medical literature as part of andropause or late-onset hypogonadism, though those terms can sometimes be misleading because the shift is gradual, not abrupt, and affects each man differently. 

What Testosterone Actually Does

Testosterone plays many roles in your body — far beyond libido:

  • It helps maintain muscle mass and strength.
  • It supports bone density and skeletal health.
  • It influences red blood cell production and overall energy.
  • It plays a part in mood, motivation, and emotional regulation.
  • It stimulates sexual desire and reproductive function.  

So when testosterone dips – even just a bit — it can show up in ways that feel psychological, emotional, and physical all at once.

Why You Might Not Notice at First

Because the decline is gradual, most men don’t feel a “switch flip.” Instead, you start noticing:

  • Less energy, even after decent sleep
  • Motivation that once came easily now requires effort
  • Lower drive and desire in sex and life
  • Mood shifts, more irritation, less patience
  • Reduced confidence or feeling “not quite myself”
  • Changes in body composition a bit more fat, a bit less muscle
  • A creeping sense that things aren’t as fun anymore  

These aren’t dramatic changes one day, they’re the subtle results of years of small hormonal shifts and because testosterone influences mood and motivation, these shifts can feel emotional before they feel biological.

It’s Not Just Testosterone — The Whole System Changes

The production of testosterone is governed by a feedback loop between your brain and your testes. With age, this loop becomes less efficient, meaning your body produces slightly less hormone and responds slightly differently to what it does produce. 

Plus, other hormones like growth hormone and adrenal androgens (which also affect vitality and stress response) decline over time too, so the whole hormonal landscape shifts. 

Why This Matters at 40

At 40, these hormonal shifts often intersect with life reality checks, relationship strains, career plateau, unmet goals, changing bodies, and the first real awareness of time passing.

That’s why what feels like a “crisis” often feels like:

  • low energy
  • lack of motivation
  • creeping dissatisfaction
  • longing for something more

Not because you’re weak —

but because your internal chemistry has changed, and your brain is suddenly comparing your inner experience to your outer life expectations and when your internal validation sources aren’t as strong as they once were, your brain starts searching externally, in relationships, sex, novelty, validation from others, and fantasies that feel exciting precisely because they promise a rush of feeling alive again.

Biologically, testosterone begins to fluctuate and slowly decline. This doesn’t just affect libido, it affects drive, confidence, tolerance, and motivation. What you once pushed down or ignored suddenly demands attention.

Psychologically, your brain shifts from building mode to meaning mode. You start asking:

  • Is this the life I actually chose?
  • Have I lived for myself, or for everyone else?
  • Who am I?
  • If nothing changes, is this really how I want the next 40 years to look?

This is not weakness. This is self-awareness arriving late, because no one taught you how to access it earlier.

The Life of Convenience (And Why It Feels Like a Trap)

Many men arrive at 40 realising they didn’t consciously design their life – they slid into it.

The relationship made sense.

The job was stable.

The family structure worked.

The expectations were met.

But alignment and convenience are not the same thing.

A lot of men are not unhappy because their partner is “wrong” – they’re unhappy because they were never honest about who they were or what they needed, and do start to feel everything became about convenience, and now that’s not enough..

So now you feel:

  • tied down
  • under pressure
  • emotionally muted
  • resentful without knowing why

Not because someone is controlling you, but because you’ve been people-pleasing your way through adulthood.

You learned early that being a “good man” meant not rocking the boat. Now you’re suffocating in the boat you never questioned getting into.

Validation: The Missing Piece No One Talks About

Let’s talk about validation, because this is at the core of so much male behaviour at this age. Men are rarely taught how to validate themselves.

Your worth has likely been measured by:

  • productivity
  • providing
  • being wanted
  • being chosen
  • being a team player
  • being useful
  • being successful in sports and work

By 40, many men feel invisible. At work, you’re replaceable. At home, you’re functional. In your relationship, you’re familiar.

So your nervous system starts searching for external confirmation that you still matter.

This is where validation-seeking behaviours appear.

Let’s Talk About the Relationship You’re In

If you’re around 40, there’s a good chance the relationship you’re in wasn’t chosen with full awareness, because you weren’t the man you are now when you entered it.

You might be with your first love, the person you grew up with, changed with, adapted to, without ever stopping to ask whether you still fit each other.

You might be with your second or third serious partner, a relationship formed after heartbreak, loneliness, or the fear of starting again Or you might be in a relationship that simply worked at the time, it felt safe, sensible, and stable and now feels flat, distant, or restrictive.

None of this makes you a bad man. It makes you human – and honest enough to notice change.

Why You’re Still There, Even If You’re Unhappy

Let me say this clearly, because men rarely hear it said plainly.

You’re probably not staying because you’re happy.

You’re staying because you’re afraid.

Afraid of hurting someone you care about.

Afraid of being judged.

Afraid of losing access to your children.

Afraid of starting again at 40.

Afraid that you won’t be chosen again.

But underneath all of that is a quieter fear, one most men don’t name:

The fear of being alone with yourself.

If you’ve moved from one relationship to another, or if you’ve never truly been single as an adult, the idea of being alone can feel confronting rather than freeing, and it’s not what your ‘mates’ are doing –

This relationship may be doing more than offering companionship. It may be protecting you from having to face yourself, and providing that comforting feeling of conforming.

Be Honest: Did You Choose This, or Did You Settle?

I’m not asking this to shame you.

I’m asking because clarity matters.

Settling sounds like:

  • It’s not perfect, but nothing is.
  • I should be grateful.
  • It’s easier to stay.
  • I’ve already invested so much.
  • I do love her but…
  • I often think of someone else, but I couldn’t her
  • It just works.. I guess
  • Everyone else is married off..

Choosing sounds different:

  • I can be myself here, everything aligns perfect
  • I feel emotionally and physically connected.
  • I don’t have to shrink or perform.
  • This relationship supports the man I’m becoming.

If you’re honest, you already know which one you’re doing.

Why the Thought of Being Single Feels So Heavy

Being single at 40 can feel like failure, especially in a culture that measures men by stability and continuity. However the real weight isn’t social, It’s emotional.

Being single means:

  • no distraction
  • no automatic validation
  • no role to hide behind

It forces you to ask: Who am I without this relationship?

If you’ve never learned how to self-validate, self-soothe, or sit with your own emotions, that question can feel overwhelming.

So staying feels safer than facing it.

Here’s the Truth Most Men Avoid

If you can’t imagine being single, that doesn’t mean you should stay.

It means you haven’t yet built a relationship with yourself.

Being single at 40 isn’t a failure.

For many men, it’s a developmental stage you were never encouraged to enter earlier.

It’s where you:

  • stop performing
  • rebuild self-trust
  • learn what you actually want
  • choose a partner rather than needing one

Men who never allow themselves this phase often repeat the same relationship – different person, same dynamic, because there hasn’t been growth, maybe healing, but not growth! Are you back on the couch each night? Are you secretly thinking about someone else?

Staying Isn’t Always the Noble Choice

Staying in the wrong relationship doesn’t protect anyone in the long run.

It creates:

  • quiet resentment
  • emotional withdrawal
  • sexual disconnection
  • fantasy lives outside the relationship
  • a slow erosion of self-respect

Leaving doesn’t make you selfish. Staying disconnected doesn’t make you loyal.

The real issue isn’t leaving or staying – it’s living unconsciously.

What I’d Ask You as Your Therapist

Before you ask yourself,

“Should I leave or stay?”

Ask yourself:

  • Am I here out of love, or out of fear?
  • Can I be fully honest in this relationship?
  • Do I feel more myself, or less, when I’m in it?
  • If nothing changed, could I accept this life forever?
  • Is she the one who blows my mind, and am I happy sleeping with her for the rest of my life?

You don’t need immediate answers. You do need the courage to stop avoiding the questions.

Because the most painful thing I see men do at this age

isn’t leaving a relationship – it’s staying silent and slowly disappearing inside it.

Men block away the questions, block away the doubt and try and plod on, and what the fuck for? To live a life you’ve never really wanted? To make do?? Is this all life means to you?

This is the problem – Because this is where the need for validation, can take strong hold, this is where affairs can creep in.. and suddenly your mind starts to wander..

Seeking out the answers..

Why Younger Women Suddenly start to stand out..

When a younger woman shows interest, it doesn’t just feel flattering – it feels restorative.

It says:

  • You’re still attractive.
  • You still have power.
  • You still have options.
  • You’re not past it.

This isn’t always about sex.

It’s about identity repair.

Dating apps amplify this. You lower your age. You lower the age you’re searching for. You chase the dopamine hit of being wanted rather than asking yourself what you actually want.

But here’s the part I challenge men on in coaching therapy:

If you don’t want more children, repeatedly choosing women without children, or significantly younger women, is not accidental.

It’s avoidance.

You’re outsourcing clarity to the future and hoping it won’t cost anyone.

That’s not malicious – but it is your responsibility.

You look at women, and think – “will my friends be impressed by her”, “Will she fit into my social circle”, “Will she make me feel younger” , I mean yes, yes and yes, but after the first year or two, you will realise, this isn’t enough. When your baby raising days are over, you’re sat now with a childless younger woman, and the question of “Do I really want to become a father again?” – Now do you people-please, or take the reigns and seek what you truly want.

Sex, Threesomes, and the Search for Validation

Around this age, many men suddenly start thinking about sexual exploration – threesomes, older women, young women, experimentation, novelty, fantasies they ignored earlier in life.

Let me be very clear:

This is not about being perverted, broken, or immature.

It’s about validation multiplied.

Being desired by one woman reassures you. Being desired by two feels like confirmation of masculinity, relevance, and power.

It can feel like stepping into a “boss era” — admired, wanted, envied.

But here’s the question I ask men:

“What do you think this experience would finally prove about you?”

Because sexual novelty often isn’t about pleasure – it’s about self-worth.

There is nothing wrong with curiosity. There is a risk when curiosity becomes a way to avoid looking at deeper dissatisfaction.

If your life feels flat, sex becomes the fantasy of aliveness. If your identity feels lost, desire becomes proof you still exist, so multiplying that in a ménage a trois.

Children, Regret, and the Illusion of Starting Over

Many men at 40 already have children – and for the first time in years, life is easing.

Your kids are more independent. You’re getting space back.

You can breathe.

This is why the idea of another baby creates such conflict.

A new child can symbolise youth, purpose, and renewal, that fresh feeling of a new little love in your life, but it also means losing autonomy again, and as stats prove, children 2nd time around can cause much more conflict. The woman you chose second time around, who made you feel young, alive again, suddenly becomes mum, and the circle that trapped you in the first cycle, starts all over again.

I work with men who agree to another child not because they want one, but because they don’t want to disappoint their partner or face difficult conversations – again people-pleasing!!

That isn’t selflessness.

That’s fear and fear-based choices are where resentment is born.

Men’s Mental Health at 40: What I See in the coaching Room

Men don’t usually talk about this stage — they act it out.

They:

  • withdraw emotionally
  • fantasise about escape
  • chase validation
  • avoid honesty
  • live parallel lives

Not because they’re selfish – but because no one taught them how to process change without running from it.

If you recognise yourself here, I want you to hear this:

You are not broken.

You are not failing.

You are waking up.

My Advice…

Before you change your relationship, your partner, your sex life, or your future – pause.

Ask yourself:

  • Where am I seeking validation instead of self-acceptance?
  • What have I never allowed myself to say out loud?
  • Am I avoiding discomfort, or avoiding truth?
  • If I keep living this way, who do I become?

You don’t need to implode your life.

You do need to stop abandoning yourself.

Sometimes staying and rebuilding is the bravest thing. Sometimes leaving honestly is the healthiest thing.

What matters is that you choose, consciously – instead of drifting.

What do you really want? Who do you really want? Are you happy to conform? Are you happy with you? What is missing? What brought you here…

To the Man Reading This

You’re allowed to want more than convenience.

You’re allowed to evolve.

You’re allowed to change your mind.

You’re allowed to prioritise authenticity over approval.

Turning 40 isn’t about getting your youth back.

It’s about finally becoming the man you never had space to be.

And that journey doesn’t start with validation from women, sex, or novelty — it starts with honesty.

With yourself..

(Contact me for Coaching – transformwithkerry@gmail.com)

Why Studying Relationships, Love and Sex -Changed My Dating Life

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Why I date different Now: Time, Boundaries and emotional capacity.

As I study to become a therapist – particularly in love, attachment, sexual development, and relationships, something unexpected has happened.

The more I understand relationships, the more intentional I’ve become about the ones I allow into my life.

That doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith in love.

It means I’ve gained clarity.

What Being a Gentleman Really Means

There’s a difference between manners and character. Small gestures matter, of course, but real emotional maturity goes deeper than surface charm. Consistency, integrity, and follow-through are what sustain connection over time.

Connection isn’t something you perform for a few weeks. It’s something you live, especially when things slow down, become familiar, or require effort.

Boundaries Are Not Barriers

People often assume that because I set boundaries clearly, I must be “hard work.”

But boundaries aren’t walls, they’re guidelines for respect.

If someone wants my mind, my connection, my body, and my energy, that should be mutual. I believe both people should earn each other, at the same pace, with the same intention.

My Love Language Is Time

One thing I’ve come to understand about myself is that my love language is time.

Not grand gestures. Not constant texting. BUT Presence.

Time is the clearest signal of intention. When someone makes time for you, they’re showing that they’re open, emotionally and practically, to building something. They’re showing availability, not just interest.

And equally important: not everyone can make time.

That doesn’t make someone wrong, unavailable, or unkind. Sometimes people are aligned with you in many ways, but they simply don’t have the capacity for a relationship, logistically, emotionally, or both. The age I’m at now, men and women are in their ‘Selfish’ phase recapturing the years as a parent or wrong relationship, so letting someone else in, doesn’t often work, until they’ve really healed. I spot it a mile off, and it makes me back off, because I will test the waters with availability, and I get a feeling very fast. However like I always say it is what it is, and one mans loss is another mans gain.. (I fucking hope so anyway)

And that has to be okay… I think?

Capacity Matters — On Both Sides

I often question whether I have the capacity for a relationship myself. Between my work, my studies, and the life I’ve built, I’ve had to ask that honestly.

This summer felt like a quiet test. What I noticed is that when someone genuinely captures my heart, I do make time. I create space. I shift priorities. There is with me a pull towards want, I may not need, but I would say ‘Like’ a relationship, and yes that key evidence is time..

That’s how I know time matters to me — because I offer it when it’s real.

What I don’t yet know is whether I’ve captured someone else’s heart in the same way. Post Covid dating, is a mile away from dating 10 years ago, and it’s literally horrific!

Intention Over Attention

I’m not interested in connection without direction.. I mean what is the point in one night stands, no thank you, I deserve better!

I don’t want endless messaging with no plan, or conversations that drift without purpose. I value intention, presence, and someone who wants to see me, and shows that through action. I value a man who is confident in dating women his own age, and not dating women 10 years younger just to find validation. Connection is so important.

There’s something deeply reassuring about someone who says, “I want to spend time with you,” and then follows through.

I’m Not a Text Pen Pal

What I have noticed lately is men wanting to access without intention.

They chat, They disappear, They return, they mirror your interests, They force connection. All desperation – not desire.

I don’t want nor need

  • A text pen pal
  • Endless FaceTimes to pass someones lonely nights
  • Swiping apps
  • Emotional ambiguity

I want leadership. I’m a traditional – Not in a submission, but in polarity. I’m not trying to be ‘one of the boys’. I’m very much in my feminine power, and I want a man who meets me in his masculine – Naturally, not performatively.

Consistency Is the Foundation

Consistency is the bare minimum. Inconsistency is just a flag for me (pink or red situation dependent) Inconsistency doesn’t make someone a bad person , it simply reveals misalignment.

I don’t need validation. I’m confident in who I am and the life I’ve created. What I look for is consistency, curiosity, and emotional availability, someone who shows up, communicates clearly, and understands that connection requires time, not just words.

My life, my look can intimidate men, but then I look at the exes I have remained friends with, and they know the real me, the soft, nurturing wife, mummy, friend. So I know those I intimidate.. aren’t right for me, I saw that this summer, he chipped away at everything he fell in love with it.. because as you will recall what was said ‘Kerry Men are 51% and women will always be 49%.

Alone Isn’t the Same as Lonely

I’m not afraid of being single. I value my independence and my peace. What I’m mindful of is choosing wisely. The fear isn’t weakness – It’s wisdom! 42 Years of Kerry wisdom perfected. My own self awareness so awake, that there is a completeness to knowing exactly what I want, but also what I deserve.

The right connection won’t require me to wonder where I stand. It will feel reciprocal, steady, and considered.

This isn’t just about me though, it’s about everyone.

Don’t settle, AIM HIGH!

No I don’t mean in the sense of constantly chasing ‘something better’ but in recognising real alignment when it happens, when it appears, and CHERISH IT!

When someone truly sees you, chooses you and shows up, that’s rare and that’s special – Hold onto that!

So Where Am I Now?

Right now, I’m here — grounded, open, and discerning.

As you mature, things change, the boat gets rocked, one day you wake up, and the boyfriend type who used to fit in with your friends and social circle, seems somewhat distant, the conforming boyfriends, seems a million miles away from where you want to be. Yes my 20’s and 30’s the looks, the social circle and friendship circles mattered, but as you mature, you start to realise, what seemed like perfect alignments, change.. and wow the last 2 years, I’ve felt the shift in me.

I believe there is someone out there who understands that time is love. Someone who has the capacity to show up, to plan, to be present and maybe not perfectly, but intentionally. Yes I closed the door on potentials very quickly, because I’m high value, and I don’t need ‘maybe’ in my life. You’re in or out.. let’s not work with blurred or grey lines.

And if that person hasn’t found me yet, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist..

It just means the story isn’t finished… and these mishaps (ahem Mistakes ssssh) that I keep having, are just part of my own journey… so I’m returning back to my morning coffee and all I can say is….

TO BE CONTINUED….

Why Modern Dating Hurts So Much: Attachment, Rejection, and Healing in Today’s Post-COVID World

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Modern dating is changing us. Not just how we meet partners, but how we relate to ourselves, our self-worth, our boundaries, our hope for connection. Something in today’s dating culture is making us forget who we are, what we deserve, and how to love ourselves first.

I’ve been watching, not just in my life, but in conversations, in friends’ stories, in what feels like the general pulse of modern love, and I’ve realised there’s something dark and quiet happening inside us. There’s something about today’s post-COVID dating world that’s not just reshaping the way we date, but the way we see ourselves. and I think it’s worth calling it out and us taking time to visit this…

Today’s post-COVID dating world is fast, unpredictable, and constantly in motion. Apps give us swipe-based access to hundreds of faces we never would have met 20 years ago. On paper, it looks like endless choice. In reality, it often produces:

  • emotional burnout
  • attachment anxiety
  • confusion and insecurity
  • fear of intimacy
  • fear of rejection

We’re wired for love – but we’re living in a culture that prioritises availability over authenticity and options over depth.

We’re wired for connection – but the environment keeps pulling us away

As human beings, our biology and psychology are designed for connection, belonging, intimacy. From the moment we were born, being seen, held, accepted mattered. Security, attachment, we evolved to crave these things because they helped us survive and thrive.

But fast forward to now, apps, social media, endless options, midnight messages, “situationships,” and ghosting. On paper, we have more “freedom” and “choice” than ever. But in practice, many of us are more isolated, more anxious, more starved for real connection.

We’ve built a dating culture that normalises disposability and emotional detachment, a culture where it’s normal to treat intimacy like a transaction, and then wonder why we feel hollow.

So when someone shows even a gesture of interest, a kind smile, a compliment,  a deep chat, even just attention, our nervous system reacts like it’s light. We crave that light. We lean into that possibility of warmth the way a plant leans toward the sun. It’s instinct, it awakens us, we WANT the light!

The biology of intimacy – why “casual” doesn’t stay casual

We tell ourselves we’re fine with casual. However our biology often thinks differently. Intimacy, emotional or physical – releases chemicals: hormones like oxytocin, bound up with bonding and trust; neurotransmitters like dopamine, tied with reward, pleasure, anticipation. Touch, warmth, closeness – they make us feel safe, seen, wanted.

Human beings aren’t built for disposability. Physically, emotionally, chemically:

  • Oxytocin (bonding + connection hormone)
  • Dopamine (reward + longing chemical)
  • Vasopressin (attachment + pair-bonding hormone)

These aren’t psychological myths — they’re biology. Intimacy signals to the brain:

Once those signals hit us, we begin to tether, Not necessarily consciously, but deep in our limbic system: “This person made me feel something real.” Maybe for a night, Maybe for a conversation. But real enough.

When that tether is formed, the weight of rejection doesn’t just feel like a lost relationship – it feels like a disruption of safety, of attachment, of self-value.

That’s why sometimes, after the “casual thing,” heartbreak doesn’t feel casual at all. It feels raw, visceral, heavy, because we attached, and tried to convince ourselves “We just wanted fun”. 

Attachment styles, vulnerability and the modern dating trap

Part of the struggle lies in our variation in attachment styles. Some of us find comfort in closeness; some recoil at it; some oscillate between the two. Roughly a third to two-fifths of adults show some kind of insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant or disorganised). Among those, some lean toward anxious attachment – craving closeness and validation, but haunted by fear of abandonment or rejection.

In a dating environment rife with uncertainty (ghosting, mixed signals, hot-and-cold behaviour, ambiguous “situationships”), anxious people get caught in a loop:

  • They seek validation: “If I can just get this person to like me – text me, stay with me – I’ll feel safe.”
  • They become available, open, emotionally generous, seeking connection.
  • But availability sometimes gets misinterpreted as access, not value.
  • They stay, hoping for stability or love; but often meet inconsistency, indifference, or rejection.
  • Their own emotional need is dismissed, ignored, or undercut – and they’re left feeling replaceable.

That leaves a deeper wound than just being single. It chips away at self-worth. It consumes us. We try to convince ourselves we have the power, but we don’t! We don’t at all, but our conscious mind will do anything to convince us, ‘We’re ok!’ 

The paradox of “availability” vs “value” in modern dating

Here’s the painful paradox I keep seeing and not only that, what I have experienced myself:

  • If a person (often a woman) is warm, available, open to love – they are ready for connection. They offer emotional honesty, clarity, possibility.
  • Yet, sometimes the people who are genuinely looking for that kind of connection don’t recognise its value. They expect something easier: fun, convenience, less emotional labour.
  • On the other hand, a person who seems harder to get – more aloof, more “mysterious,” more reserved – can sometimes be perceived as more desirable simply because there’s a sense of challenge, of scarcity, of chase.

Sociologically and psychologically, it’s a glaring mismatch between what we need (authentic connection, emotional honesty, mutual respect) and what gets rewarded (scarcity, challenge, detachment).

It’s not about “blame” – it’s about recognising that the marketplace of modern dating values the wrong things and for those who come to it with softness, vulnerability, readiness for love –  it’s often the hardest place to find what they genuinely seek.

Rejection: more than just “loss” it’s an identity fracture

When we get rejected, when someone disappears, or treats us like we were never a priority, it doesn’t just sting. It shakes something deeper. I myself have struggled over the years with this, even trying with various therapists to understand the root cause of it all, and I know the answers now, however for most of my life, I was left feeling unwanted, unloved and rejected..

  • Validation-based self-worth: If a lot of our self-esteem depends on “being wanted,” then rejection becomes proof of inadequacy, unworthiness, or invisibility.
  • Attachment rupture: Because our nervous system may have already started to bond, rejection doesn’t feel like a story that ends , it feels like a safe place collapsing, and our whole world is crumbling
  • Internalising blame: We tend to whisper (or shout) to ourselves: “I’m too much / not enough / unlovable.” And instead of seeing that the system is what’s broken, we turn the mirror on ourselves.

In today’s environment, rejection isn’t just a breakup. It’s often felt like a personal failure.

What are we really chasing and what’s missing?

Maybe what we’re seeking is not another person. Maybe we’re seeking:

  • To be seen, to feel that someone understands us beyond the surface.
  • To be valued, to believe that who we are, what we bring, matters.
  • To be safe , emotionally, physically, mentally.
  • To belong,  to connect, to share, to build.

What so many of us discover and sometimes too late, is that these things likely begin with self. If we don’t see ourselves as worthy, safe, valuable, and whole … then no external validation can truly fill that void.

And what gets missing in that chase is often self-respect, self-compassion, self-understanding.

Healing isn’t about “not wanting love” – it’s about redefining where love starts

We can’t necessarily change the system. We can’t rename apps. We can’t make society stop valuing challenge over emotional availability. But we can start changing ourselves. We can build a different inner story. One grounded not in external validation, but internal integrity.

Here’s a rough “healing script” I’m writing for myself , maybe you, or anyone reading this, might relate too:

  1. Recognise my own worth – independent of attention. I am worthy whether someone texts me or not. I am love; I don’t need someone else to confirm it.
  2. Slow down intimacy – emotional and physical. Intimacy doesn’t have to be fast. I give my body, my heart the time to read: “Is this person safe? Do I feel respected?” before I lean in. Of course as any sexual being, of course I crave intimacy, but after my celibacy journey I realised, what I have holds value to me.
  3. Cultivate inner validation, with self-care, self-love, self-respect. I get to look in the mirror and say: “You matter. You deserve respect. You don’t need to chase love – you need to walk towards it.”
  4. Seek emotional clarity – not just physical. I value people who show up with words and actions that match. I’m not afraid to ask: “What do you want? Why are you here?”!!! Don’t be afraid to as that! Sleeping with someone will not suddenly make them fall in love with you! Trust me im pretty confident in the bedroom, but it doesn’t cast them under some love spell!
  5. Set boundaries – protect my time, energy, heart. I will not compromise my self-respect just to feel desired or accepted. I will leave what feels like convenience rather than connection.
  • Find belonging in my community and self-worth in purpose. Real love, trust, and belonging may come from friendships, passions, creativity – not just romantic pursuit.
  • Hold space for growth, patience, and self-compassion. Healing takes time. I might stumble, I might be impatient. I choose to believe that I and the people who deserve me, are worth waiting for.

Conclusion: Relearning love from the inside out

This isn’t a manifesto against dating, sex, or modern love. I still believe in love. I still believe in connection. I still believe in the power of human closeness.

What we’re really fighting against,  what we need to heal from, is the dissonance between what our hearts and bodies crave, and what this fast-moving world offers.

We’re not broken for wanting love, or for wanting closeness. We’re human. We’re wired for bonding, for care, for tenderness.

But maybe the first step is to stop chasing love as a drug. Maybe the first step is to reclaim love from within, to remind ourselves that we are already whole, already worthy, already enough. To remind ourselves its all just chemical reactions… 

Maybe then, when we do open ourselves to another person, it won’t be out of desperation, longing, or validation-hunger, but out of a surplus of self-love.

Because the love we truly deserve isn’t transactional. It’s not earned by being “easy to get” or “hard to win.” It’s simply a reflection, of how much we respect ourselves, believe in ourselves, and hold ourselves worthy of loyalty, kindness, and care.

Maybe, if enough of us do that , change the way we love ourselves first,  we begin to change the way we let others love us.

The WhatsApp Graveyard – The Hidden sadness behind the Archived chats.

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There’s a sadness attached to the WhatsApp archived box that I don’t think people talk about enough. For me, it isn’t just a folder. It isn’t a feature. It isn’t even practical….

It’s a graveyard.

A quiet cemetery of conversations that once lit up my screen, once lit up my heart, once got me all excited, and then, slowly, silently – went dark. Every time I open it, I’m reminded not just of people I’ve spoken to, but people I had hope for. People who came, touched my life for a moment, said all the right things, and then floated out just as easily.

And I ask myself:

‘Kerry how did we end up here?’ How did words that felt full of potential turn into silence? How did light turn into dimness?

What the Archived Box Means to Me

The archived box feels like the place I put people when I can’t bear to see them dwindle down my chat list. Watching someone slide further and further down, past the group chats, past the random acquaitance chats, past the family you rarely reply to, is painful. It’s a visual reminder of how long it’s been since they cared enough to speak… or since I cared enough to try again.

I don’t like putting people in the archived box. I don’t enjoy the symbolic burial of a conversation that once mattered, but sometimes keeping them in my main inbox hurts even more, because every day they drift further down, it’s like watching a candle burn out in slow motion.

So I archive them, Not because I don’t care, But because maybe… I care too much.

“Out of sight, out of mind” never really works – but it gives me a moment of peace.

Why We Put People There – Psychologically Speaking

From a psychologist point of view, the archiving someone is a coping mechanism. It’s emotional self-preservation. It’s the digital version of pushing a painful memory into a drawer so it doesn’t stab you every time you pass it.

However as you know I love to do this, let’s break it down, Here’s what’s actually happening:

We’re protecting ourselves from dopamine withdrawal

When communication drops, dopamine drops. It feels like a crash. We’re wired to attach to patterns of attention, affection, and consistency… and when that suddenly stops, the brain reads it as rejection, danger, loss, and fuck me, it starts to hurt!

Archiving becomes a way to minimise triggers. In a way it’s managing pain rejection. Even psychology textbooks say the brain processes social rejection like physical pain. Seeing their name every time we open the app hurts. Archiving puts a plaster on the bruise.

We’re grieving potential – not just a person

We call this ambiguous loss. It’s grief with no closure.

The archive holds:

  • potential relationships that never became real
  • stories that could have been beautiful
  • versions of people we hoped they were
  • versions of ourselves we were becoming

When someone pulls away, we feel powerless. Archiving gives us one small act of agency and dignity…

One small click that says: “I won’t let this hurt me every day.”

The Hope That Lives in the Archive

What makes it even sadder is that the archived box isn’t just grief – it’s hope. Every time a WhatsApp notification pops up, there’s a flicker of excitement. A tiny spark. A second of wondering if one of the voices from the archive has come back to life.

And sometimes… it’s just AliExpress… That sigh of disappointment says everything. Just seeing that (1) feels like a gamble, like Russian Roulette.. The archived box is where hope and heartbreak sit next to each other, quietly. Sad isn’t it.

So I know you’re wondering, what chats and who are in your archived Kerry.. it’s very simple

My Ex Husband (RIP), My best friend who passed 7 years ago, 4 Old business chats, Two men I fell for, and 6 men I got bored of chat with, and one who didn’t know if he was coming or going… 2017 – 2025!

When Do I Decide to Archive Someone?

For me, it’s when communication starts to hurt more than it feels good. When messages slow.When replies turn into half-hearted sentences. When 10 minute podcasts turn into ‘You ok’ … Noooo Inconsistency and emotional immaturity, does not work for me! Sorry but true!

When someone who once told you they liked you begins to backtrack internally… inventing flaws in you that don’t exist, inventing “I’ve been busy”, “I’ve got so much on” , bull shit with the excuses hun, In or OUT, it’s simple.. we don’t do bread crumbing!

That’s when I archive… NOT because I want to, but because watching the decline pains me, I see it as a Soft goodbye, a gentle retreat, it could have been.. but you fucked it mate! It’s my way of saying, I deserve more!!

Are We in Someone’s Archived Box Too?

We’ll never know for sure, but we know when communication drops. We know when someone judges us silently. We know when enthusiasm fades.

And the sad truth is:

we end up in their archive the same way they end up in ours – through silence, avoidance, miscommunication, fear, or simply choosing someone else.

The Graveyard of “Almost” Relationships

When I scroll through my archive, it feels like looking at a cemetery of could-have-beens.

People I let go, People who let me go. Opportunities that slipped away, Men who chose the wrong partner over me and now speak about feeling unloved, stay in my orbit, like I am the one that got away… No Darling, you let me get away!

I sit there thinking:

If you were that unhappy… why didn’t you see me? Why didn’t you realise I’m the opposite of everything that broke you? Why didn’t you recognise sincerity when it stood right in front of you?

They didn’t. The sad thing is by the time people realise they want you, their games and inconsistency, the communication stopping…

Me being archived… Or they being archived… It’s all just a digital tombstone for a story that might have been.

Maybe the Archive Tells Us More About Them Than About Us

In the end, people often put themselves in the archived box through:

  • mixed signals
  • fear
  • avoidance
  • emotional immaturity
  • choosing comfort over connection
  • choosing chaos over calm

And maybe that’s the real graveyard – not the WhatsApp folder, but the emotional space inside someone who never let themselves love fully. Those miss out, because out of self preservation, they talk theirselves out of real happiness, and maybe you could of helped them to find real happiness..

As much as the archive feels like a graveyard, I’m learning that I don’t have to keep visiting it like a mourner. Moving on isn’t about deleting people – it’s about understanding why the story didn’t progress and why that’s okay…

How I heal, and how I move on…

1. I Accept That Silence Is an Answer

Lack of communication is communication. Confusion is clarity.

2. I Focus on My Behaviour, Not Theirs

I can’t control why someone pulled away – but I can control how I respond.

3. I Reduce Triggers Without Punishing Myself

Archiving is a soft boundary, not a failure.

4. I Let Myself Feel the Micro-Grief

Losing potential hurts – but only for a moment, not forever.

5. I Remember That Genuine Connection Doesn’t Need Forcing

The right person won’t need convincing, won’t need chasing, just to boost their own ego, they could feel scared of the whole situation, but you know what… They still show up!

6. I Let New Conversations Start Fresh

Healing is attachment repair, not emotional replacement.

7. I Rewrite the Meaning of the Archive

It’s not a grave anymore.

It’s a record of how I’ve grown.

And that’s where the shift begins: when you stop chasing the ones who keep you guessing and start choosing the ones who make you feel safe, seen, and certain. When you realise that consistency isn’t boring – it’s calming. That genuine interest isn’t overwhelming – it’s reassuring. That real connection doesn’t spike your anxiety, their emotional chaos doesn’t throw you in fight or flight, – it steadies your nervous system, you feel at home, at peace.. You can’t wait to be in their arms again!

The moment you understand this, you reclaim your attention from the chaos and redirect it toward people who actually show up. People who don’t leave you hanging in the grey area. People who don’t make you fight for scraps of effort. People who choose you in a way you don’t have to earn.

Because the right connection won’t make you overthink – it will make you exhale.

And once you’ve felt that difference, the old patterns stop feeling tempting.