Category: dating

He’s just not that into you… or is he?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Do you feel it’s always you sending the first text? It’s annoying as Hell isn’t it, beyond frustrating, like where are all the gentlemen hiding!

The last thing anyone wants to do is come across needy, when they could be actually the opposite, but it does get to a point of hurt, when you’re the one instigating all of the chat.

Do you wonder what would happen if you didn’t contact him? Do you worry romance will fade? Does it feel that every week, you tell yourself ‘I’m not going to text him’ , but then after a few days you end up cracking.

When you text him, and he replies, do you sit there, thinking, ‘is he just bored, is he being polite, is he with anyone? It is so hard trying to figure men out, they play games, without realising they are playing games.

Lets talk about the reasons, it could be you texting first…

1.He has a crazy busy lifestyle

It is the simplest explanation but maybe he is just busy and stressed with life, so hasn’t got the time to sit and chat. You do need to think, if he doesn’t have time to chat, then he doesn’t really have the time for a relationship… sorry to say but true.

2. He just isn’t a texter

Guys just don’t communicate like girls do, I mean a % will, but its rare, and they don’t think like we do. Us women appreciate a ‘good morning text’ , ‘good night sweet dreams’ text, but only the very few gentlemen who feel lucky to have the girl will be thoughtful enough to do this, a clear indication if a guy likes you. If a guy is really into you, he will wake up in the morning, and want to text you, will want to see whats on your instagram story from the night before, he will do it without realising.

3. He isn’t sure on his feelings towards you, so doesn’t want to lead you on

Something about you intrigues him, but he isn’t sure if you’re right, if he’s ready for a relationship, or if he just wants to carry on playing the field, so rather than flirt with you (in his eyes by texting first may make you think he’s into you more than he is) , he probably does like you, and thats why he does think like this, but remember this isn’t about you, its about him. Some guys just don’t see what goodness is in front of them, and can talk theirselves out of what could be something incredible.

For guys like this, it really is worth not texting them, if they genuinely like you they will reach out, if they don’t reach out, you have your answer, and if you do not want the latter to happen, then we need to install the ‘Hero instinct’ , new psychology, has proved men want to be your hero.. take a peek at psychologist James Bauer, he provides great insight into the concept.

4. He is deliberately dangling the carrot and enjoying it..

There are guys out there sadly, that get off on the fantasy, that this gorgeous woman (you) wants them, wants them sexually and in every way, they fantasise about bumping into you, fantasise about you sexually, and get off on the idea that they could almost (in their heads) click their fingers and you would be there. This is a power trip and should be a huge red flag, run for the hills girls, because this man has issues. He does not deserve getting in your head. You’re worth more than a fantasy fuck.

5. He just wants to date and not commit to a relationship

You have probably been here yourself , liked someone but just not enough to give updating, and it could be they end up in your archived, but sadly it kills us, when this is returned, but this is the fact of life. This i not a reflection on your worth, please remember that. It could be he just isn’t looking for a relationship with anyone, or it could be he just isn’t sure if you are right for him just yet, and maybe he thinks he should cut you off, but can’t, because maybe he does consciously like you, or maybe he just can’t nail if he does or not. Confusing hey? But that’s human emotions for you…

No girl can convince a man to be with them, what tends to happen, is stereotypical, a guy will meet an amazing woman, but over time fish around, and then start to question if girl A (YOU) are right for him, in his head he will think, no I wouldnt be interested in girl B or girl C , if I liked girl A, and then the over thinking kicks in, but then when girl B and C disappear, he starts to think why is girl A. still around, or even still on his mind. You convince a man to like you girls, he will want someone to tick every box, but over time he will suddenly be like well she ticked 8 boxed out of 10 but is so special, and sadly by this time, you’d have been swept off your feet, by someone who doesn’t have to think twice.

Infatuation in a males mind, is driven deep by a primal drive, and yes you can introduce words and play on sexual compatiability , he is driven by sexual urge first and foremost, until he has time to think about this.

6. He has recently broken up with someone, or still in love with his ex?

Men just need time, and you wouldn’t want to rush or push. aman who is in this head space.

7. Perhaps he is just scared

Maybe they do not trust women, maybe they have been hurt, maybe they are scared of getting into another ‘shit’ relationship.

Men and women can hurt each other, and he may be fearful and genuine, in not wanting to rush, or be hurt again.

8. Maybe he just is not into you?

I am truly pained writing this, I find it a struggle, but maybe it is the reality we all need to face at times. Perhaps he asked for the first date , because of that primal drive, but after that it quickly died off. Anyone can read body language, and a first date body language speaks volumes, in an ideal world, you will meet and want to kiss each other straight away, but then sadly we can meet people and be given the ick, within minutes, nothing worse.

If the first date went amazing, then its pretty clear a second date will follow within two weeks, now unless he is the tinder swindler and faked the whole chemistry of the first date, then you know you’re onto a winner, if a second date proceeds, and girls never ask for a second date, remember that.

9. He is super arrogant, and thinks you will always text first.

Oh these are the ones that say they are confident, but actually just RUDE AF. He will think he is better than you, and above you, and feels it is you who needs to chase him, walk away girls, walk away.

10. They like to play hard to get, and test you

Can. we take a moment, to just YAWNNNNNN!!! Guys like this just like to play the game on who likes each other more… they will obviously want you to really show you are into them, but sadly for most women, give it a month, and we see a boy and not a man..

He will give off this air of arrogance (he will call it confidence) , make out he has other options, just to keep us on our toes, but this man likes a woman to crave him, and likes the fact she is on her toes, again something in our primal brain that kills the attraction and respect very quickly.

SO….

Yes it is 2023 but a man expecting a woman to do all the chasing is disrespectful, and the balance isn’t right, balance is key for longevity, in a true partnership and true love, respect is what holds the love together, without this… there is nothing, so always tell yourself this..

The Game..

TheGirlWho1 Comment

The game! Here is where we go wrong, I can write this, you can read it, but honestly it won’t change you or me…

Ok…

Girl meets boy, girl and boy chat nice things, sex things, marriage things. Girl goes on a date with boy, girl and boy have sex, girl goes home smiling. Girl texts boy to thank him for an amazing night, no answer, Girl calls boy in her lunch break, no answer. Girl texts after work, with deliver report on, still no answer from boy. Girl texts boy good night. Still no answer.

Two days pass, girl texts boy a few more times, still no answer. Girl thinks, has boy died? Is boy ok? Has boy fell down a mine and needs rescuing? Girl texts boy, “are you ok?” , no answer, girl is confused! Girl logs onto instagram, searches boy, boy updated status two hours ago, pheeeew! Boy is still alive! Girl thinks, maybe girl has done something wrong? Girl texts boy, girl apologises, for something, but not sure what, still no answer from boy! Girl over thinks, girl gets upset, girl cries, girl can’t eat, girl can’t sleep, girl feels sad.

Girls great auntie dies, girl texts boy to tell boy, still no answer, it gets worse, girls pet gerbil dies, girl texts boy, still no answer, girl cries again. Girl goes back to dating website, chats to more boys, but still girl texts original boy, girl thinks, girl compares all nice guys to boy, girl texts boy, still no answer….. Girl demands answers… Still no answer..

FUCK!!! When do we stop, this is what we do!! This is what us women do, I mean surely he is interested right? Surely he liked us right? This is what girls do… 

The best of it is, this situation isn’t just about boy??!!! It’s the challenge we like. Competitive or not, this is what we do! You could be the most beautiful girl on the planet, yet this will still happen with at least 1 or 2 guys in your life time, you could run your own successful businesses, yet still you become girl who lies on the couch not knowing what is going on! As women we like to win, we like to succeed, we like to know if there is a problem, because we are super human after all, we can fix anything, yes?

It’s not the boy that’s the goal here, it’s the contact! We need it, we fantasies about it, we feel we need it, in order to function! It’s the dopamine hit, the adrenaline, the addiction. Because every-time we speak to boy our dopamine levels are increased and we like that feeling, it’s the feeling we want and desire, not always the boy. Meanwhile boy is a big headed dick, who has just had his ego inflated even more. Sorry buddy, its not you the girl is chasing!!

Deep down, we know boy is a twat, not worth our time, any man who does that, is not worth it, good banter, good sex! Check your contacts girls, there are already several replacements awaiting your attention!

However none of them are boy! Boy becomes unreachable, and as humans we aim for what we can’t have! We desire what we can’t have.. We become addicted, an adrenalin rush, it heightens our sexual desires, wanting something we can’t have! We chase the thrill…

How do we stop this? How do we stop fantasising, that boy is having a bad week, and will get in touch, turn up with flowers, and be become the one… on rare occasions, after boy has fished around, boy does return, and does become mr perfect, maybe he did like you but was scared by commitment!!! Blah blah blah, I’m calling bull shit on that! If a guy is a genuine guy, he will want you, and no-one else. If a guy can fill your world with attention and disappear and have no thought about how much you like him, then what kind of human being is this?? Ghosting is cruel AF, and I hear it happening more and more. Guys will meet a girl, like a girl, but then a) Think the grass is greener b) be scared of liking the girl c) not feel ready for commitment … its quite simple. Men are a strange species, they think with their dicks, and when that initial lust dies, they want to move on, but guaranteed if you’re a good woman, they will orbit the fuck out of you, because they may like you a lot, and be intrigued by you, but overthink the situation massively. It’s like, part of them thinks Nah she’s not for me, but then there is a part of them, that is like ‘What is it about her’ , something even they can’t figure out, but their subconscious is perhaps more keen than they realise. 

Let’s think… I mean after all, as a sex, we are constantly over thinking to! What is it about boy, that makes him so special, if you took the chase out of it.. What is left? What can big offer you… He’s already shown you he bails? He’s already when you, that you are second to his über ego, yes already shown you, that he can hurt you, without a glimpse of guilt!! Is this the kind of man you need in your life? Was he really amazing, or was it just a big fat lie! To get you in his bed!

What we need, and I speak for myself here, is a man mature enough to know what he wants in life, a man to want love and happiness, and to realise maybe he does like the girl.. but men have so much variety at the touch of a button, and this is where it all goes wrong, because a man could meet mrs right forever, but still think he wants Mrs right now, fact is most guys are closed books even to theirselves, women can mess guys heads up to, they can wrestle with the weighing everything up, they will ponder back and forth, and sometimes reach the wrong decision without realising, but so can we, its called being human. We all fuck up, it’s part of the lesson of life, we let go of diamonds, men and women, sometimes we just don’t realise what we have at the time. This has happened a few times to me, I tend to date guys who are so laid back, they’re lay flat on their backs, and they can’t keep up with me, they find me immature, too chatty, too affectionate, but then they realise when they’re married off, or back being single, that wow she was really the best! I don’t say that easily, its just fact. Lets take Dave, now its been nearly 20 years since we dated, and every now and then he pops up, i’m sure he is on my block list on IG, but considering I have been moderately behaved in my 40 years, the return ratio of people reaching out every year or two, is bloody high. Some guys, I was never romantically involved with, but just have been in my orbit 10-20 years, like a strange little fixation, maybe I just bring energy to their day, but they watch every single work story I post, because the only way they can access me is via my work profiles. Odd!! The girls have a running joke, because it always happens, and it’s like they all like to keep a check on me, I like to think i’m memorable 😉 the daft, crazy girl from the midlands. The one they let get away and regret lol!

When I mentioned in last nights post, a lot of people hide behind a fake persona, and aren’t theirselves, and become who you want them to be, or who they think you want them to be, and with me I’m me, I don’t have nothing to hide, and I want longevity in love and friendships, so I say to everyone just be yourself, don’t play games, show who you are from the start, and there will be boys that love you and boys that don’t… boys that like you, and boys that don’t!

Remember girls, boys don’t see it as game playing, their fucked up, do they want it, don’t they want it mind, but yes its games, they can’t quite give you up, but then can’t quite decide if you are a 7 or 8, the deciding number! But girls, let’s evaluate this, as much as we can like boy, do we really need that dopamine hit that much, that it makes us feel shit, do we really need to be beating ourselves up, that perhaps we got way too close?? 

I recently found myself having levels of conversations, I don’t quite think I have had before, and whilst it excited the hell out of me, and I thought, maybe there is life after my ex, I then started to think, well if he can have this conversation level with me, how many more girls is he like this with, and that scared me, because I realised , fuck I like this guy, A LOT! Then the overthinking on the return path started, what if he thinks, i’m having this level of conversation with others, and this scared me off chatting to people! I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, shame, and quite disgusted with myself, I mean I hadn’t done anything wrong in hindsight, and in my own little Kerry world, I was really convinced something was there, and something was going to happen, so I invested and let my guard down, like I hadn’t before, and to be honest I spent a few weeks after not being able to eat or sleep, because I felt so disappointed in myself, the situation, in him, I had been blinded, thinking, this jigsaw piece actually matches on so many levels, wow, but sadly for me, (maybe I should say him tbh) he wasn’t on the same page, and I cringe with the ‘Its not you its me’ , first time for everything in life! I’m defo a sore looser and I think more so because what I felt and feel is/was genuine, but thats the thing, I guess I have never played the field so to speak, I have always been in a relationship, so never found myself in a situationship. I went on a date with another guy the other week, and all the way through, I was trying to be optimistic, see the positives, and I had , had the girls bang on, saying give it a chance, but as enjoyable as it was, I still couldn’t feel it, so I called a second date off… I just guess thats what life feels like right now, a big game, always someone dumping someone somewhere, because we’re indecisive and unsure who is right, who is wrong, who we want, who we don’t want, variety or monogamy, a good person, or a good looking person, we want packages that don’t exist, we want a human that isn’t yet on the market or possibly ever available. Social media has led us to this world of craving perfection, but does it really exist. 

Some days I know what I want, some days I change my mind, but I do know, I want me and my little boy to be happy, I don’t want to be with someone who can’t work out if they like me, my life experiences and heart deserve better than that, I am far from perfect, who is? But we are human, and beneath the falseness and external appearance, we have hearts, and anyone willing to play with those hearts, in their games, their orbiting, their ghosting, isn’t worth our time, respect and love, have to come from within, however hard it may be, however much you can look at someone and melt, they are not worth it! Save your heart and maybe , just maybe, prince charming will sweep you off your feet, maybe he will wake most days thinking off you, maybe he will think you’re worth a second date , maybe he will shower you with genuine compliments and affection, and can’t wait to hold you in his arms… and maybe just maybe, when you kiss, its something else, and a kiss both of you haven’t felt before, or in a long time, hold out your mind and body for that person….

Love 

Kerry xxx

To swipe or not to swipe.. what a mistake..

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

You download the app, upload your very best pictures, write your bio of the shiny person you see yourself to be, and you’re off! 

You may as well be sat in the casino, it’s the hand held slot machine, dehumanising people, and un-romantizing love, desensitising us to emotions and thoughts, and us leading with our groins and the idea of spontaneous sex. The internet version of a sweet shop at your finger tips. Only the very best versions of everyone for sale…

I find myself using the apps out of boredom, my hand in continuous motion of swiping left, because realistically I don’t want to meet anyone off there.  I swipe left that quickly and constantly that I do occasionally think ‘fuck’ he was fit, and I’m certainly not paying a subscription to swipe back! 

I find with me everyone in my inbox looks like a clone of the next, 6ft+, stubble, nice eyes, floppy dark hair, tanned.. it’s quite the running theme for me. I have a type and unless people fit the type I tend to switch off very early! 

Now the difference between bumble and tinder, is bumble is about the girl making the first move, that really isn’t me! Someone once told me tinder is a hook up site, and bumble is more classy, nope… pretty much everyone inc that guy is on both sites anyway, but I prefer tinder as I prefer a guy to make the first move, in my head it sits with my kinda traditional values and wants in a guy. 

What I don’t understand is the cult like following these apps generate, the only thought and notion that this is the only way to meet someone, and sometimes in my own head I’m perplexed why I find myself thinking the same, maybe because I’m a single parent? I feel I’m in a rat race, and competition and it’s killing my soul, I’m judged at a swipe, my whole life and who I am judged by a swipe of someone’s disjointed view on reality because 80% of women are edited to fuck on there! Is it even a fair race! 

I consider myself a good person, but I find myself questioning with every session on the apps, in my head it’s a constant no, no, no, no.. it becomes boring, and when I do find a hottie, I’m like, ok is he a cat fish! 😜

A few months ago now, I kept coming across a profile of a guy who was kind of my type, but wasn’t, hard to explain, and I had this gut feeling that nope ‘judgemental, chasing 25 year olds, loves himself, fuckboy’ , but he kept popping up in my radius, and I found myself thinking just swipe right, and as bumble is, I made the first move, and looking back with how I feel now, I love and hate the fact I matched! It’s a strange one with this guy, as we have children the same age, we frequent the same coffee shop and he lived just a few miles from me pretty much the last decade, but we never crossed paths, and in all honesty, being in love with David, I never would even look at another man, so maybe I just didn’t notice him. Fast forward on 2-3 months and I’m left even after the last few weeks, feeling like I don’t want to date or talk to a man ever again! 

So conversation started and I can’t explain but something about this conversation felt perfectly safe, easy, nice, we would speak and text for hours on end, and like I said I can’t explain, it felt different. I would find myself absorbed in him, infected by a lust and addicted to his chat, hours would go by of my day, and I would be sat laughing at our whole chat. When we wouldn’t speak for a few days I found myself missing him! My friends were convinced he had a girlfriend, but nope he was single, he would just vanish for a few days, and then bounce back into my life and the chat would start all over again! 

After 3 weeks chatting we went on a date, something about his company felt different, and like I said in some ways he was my type esp height wise, but perhaps facially a little different to my norm, but I found myself so shy, so excited and so turned on in his company, I spent the whole date wanting him, thinking about wanting him, then we parted on a kiss, and left! Five minutes drive later I realised I was behind him in My car, and he asked me to follow him, the excitement was incredible and I found myself jumping in his car to kiss him, and I can honestly say it’s one of the most passionate kisses I have ever had, it left me wanting a lot more. 

From that moment on the intensity and chat grew, and I couldn’t wait to see him again, we still spoke daily, but he still wasn’t asking me for a second date, the weeks went on and my girls warned and warned me, but you know me always wants to see the good in someone, and always holding out for that belief prince charming did exist, I mean we spoke daily, pretty much, of the normal and sexual chat, so in my head, I was like he is just a busy person like me, and he must like me? We exchange pics and chat! I even found myself dropping hints and taking the mick as to when the second date will be, and still he skipped over the subject, part of me was like ‘This is ridic’ and thinking in my head, this guy is on the look out for another. Then when he was on holiday the girls said to me, check his Bumble location, as I didn’t realise it changes to where you are when you are using it, WOW to say I was crushed when I saw his location was spain was an understatement, and after thinking all night, I sent him a message to say goodbye and all the best, it coincided with a very serious issue my friend had, had over her pics being sent around, and thankfully he didn’t have anything quite like that, but still the whole episode filled me with major anxiety, and I said by goodbyes, but I found myself not being able to delete our chat or his number, so a few hours later, before he had seen the message, I was able to delete!!! This was my error, I should have walked away!! It was just so hard because he really is a good person and not your typical dick!

Now anyone who has been deeply in love with a long term ex, this will resonate, when you finally meet someone you ‘feel’ something for, the overwhelming sense of guilt, even though I have been single for so long, I felt like I was cheating on David, he is what feels like my life long love in so many ways, and I felt ashamed that I finally really liked someone else, even now I sit here with such conflicting thoughts. The ship with David has sailed, and there will always be a love, I recently asked him if he still fancied me, and he does, lol, but with family drama, he has said himself now, from my actions and his actions, too much has gone on, and in a real outside look, we know there is no future, but as father of my child, I cannot help but feel guilty, and I know thats because the love I had with him was very real.

Now back to my bumble situ, the weeks had passed, and one morning when I was an absolute shit state of a mum on the school run, I went into get my normal morning coffee, and I cannot even begin to explain what happened!!!!!! He was in there, so rather than be my normal self and bounce over to him, I mean we had spoken daily and already met, my anxiety took over and, coupled with the fact his ex knows everyone in the coffee shop, for a few moments I had a million thoughts in my head, will he appreciate me speaking to him?? Will the staff notice? Is he busy working? So I sat away, and had work to do myself, but then found myself texting him from a few tables away, feeling so foolish, thinking, I just want to, go and sit by him, but then it was time to leave, and I went and sat in the car, kicking myself, then he came up-to the passenger window, and I found myself almost back to normal with his smile, like I said, facially he wasn’t my normal type, but he has the most kindest eyes and cute face, and I cheekily asked him to get in (slightly embarrassed by the state of my car, joe and I are complete car scruffs) , I pulled around the. corner to his car, and in my head I was like, wow I look a shit state, my face is puffy from steroids, I have endo belly, and I’m in my scruffs, but at the same time, I was like no this is him, he knows me, its fine, we kissed in my car for a few mins, and he was on his way, for a few hours after we exchanged messages, and all seemed normal, then nothing… nothing for 2/3 days, I went into the coffee shop and the weirdest thing happened, I realised his ex and daughter were sat right next to me, after I heard her name called, after they left I sat there looking at the couple of messages I had sent him, and deleted them, and I drove home, then a text came through from him, asking if I had deleted them because he hadn’t been in touch, and had I got five minutes to speak! FUCK MY LIFE, in my 40 years on this planet I got my first, ‘Its not you its me’ , I listened to what he had to say, and could feel myself feeling an immense sense of being crushed, and I came off the call and sobbed, almost like a boyfriend had broken up with me, then I was crying, because I felt stupid, I mean what even was it, why was I so connected to him, why did it weirdly feel like it was something, when really it hadn’t been, but like my friends told me, chatting to someone daily for hours on end, is like a relationship, label or not, 2 whole months of this, not just a few weeks! Its been 2/3 weeks now, and its beyond crushed me, because I genuinely like the guy, and he said we are not on the same page, and he wants to be on his own, which is clearly ‘Ive met someone else’ or ‘I don’t fancy you’ , because if someone likes someone, they make time and they want to be in your life and you in theres, its just fact! I stepped away and didn’t speak to him for a while, but I found myself missing him, missing his chat, and the other day he hinted I must have dates lined up, (talk about friendzone comment), and I just said nope, you’ve put me off men, what I really wanted to say was, ‘I’ve fallen for you so much’, …but hey I’m not that much of a dick, he isn’t stupid, he knows , he’s just a nice guy, who tried to dress up hurting me with the ‘Its not you its me’ , because like my gut told me, he’s probably the type of guy going after 25 year old influencers.

…..And this folks is the reality of internet dating, everyone the majority of times ends up on the wrong page, driven by lust and desire, because after all we are driven by chemical reaction, and not the person behind the image, the sad thing about us women, is we want to believe the good in people, especially if any of you are like me, and when we chat and get on so so well with someone, it almost sets a foundation for ‘what ifs’ to creep in. I can’t say what the hell happened to me on this one, and perhaps now i’m still delusional thinking, that kind of connection is rare, but however much it was real on my side, it wasn’t for him, and reality is he’s probably like that with everyone he swipes right on. The only thing I’m left with is ‘what a shame’ if anything was ever real on his side, we didn’t even have sex or get intimate, which knowing me, would have solidified a big yey or ney, but after a few months, I really did think, that was the next step.

When everyone says to me, “Forget him, there are plenty more, look at your matches,” I just cannot act like that. My friends love me because they are brutally honest. One of my best friends even said, “You probably feel more guilty because you were with your ex for so long.” I guess that is true to some extent, but whatever we were, this guy and I, it was genuine for me. I’ll still feel the same a few weeks on. And when this week he asked what my plans were, I was romanticizing of him asking me out, or to see me, but I find a lot of his chat weirdly made me feel like that, so maybe all along it was in my head, and the sexy talk time, was a means to an end to pass his lunch hour..

So ladies, what are your thoughts on app dating, what are your stories? Has this ever happened to you? Have you fallen for a stranger? Lets share our dating app stories, have you fallen for someone who has given you the ‘Its not you its me’ ??? Very interested to hear…