Category: life

What Would Happen If We Walked Away From Dating Apps in 2026?

TheGirlWho1 Comment

Dating apps promised connection. Instead, they’ve left many of us anxious, disposable, and lonelier than ever.

My mum doesn’t believe me when I tell her that the only real way people meet these days is through dating apps. She’s from a different generation, one where people met through friends, work, chance encounters, or simple introductions. You met someone, you liked them, and you tried to make it work.

Today, dating feels nothing like that… it’s even hard to imagine, life was that simple, once!!

In 2026, dating apps dominate modern romance, yet, more people than ever feel emotionally burnt out, disconnected, and deeply unsure about love. So I keep asking myself the same question:

What would actually happen if we all made a conscious decision to walk away from dating apps?

Dating Apps and the Rise of Modern Dating Anxiety

There’s no denying it, dating apps have rewired how we connect.

Psychologically, they operate on the same reward systems as gambling: dopamine hits, intermittent validation, endless novelty. You swipe, you match, you wait. You check notifications. You compare. You question your worth.

Research over the last few years has consistently linked dating apps to:

  • Increased anxiety and stress
  • Lower self-esteem
  • Addictive usage patterns
  • Emotional burnout

So much so that users have attempted to sue dating apps, claiming the platforms are deliberately designed to encourage compulsive behaviour, emotional dependence, and prolonged singlehood rather than healthy relationships.

And honestly? I believe it, I have seen it with my own eyes, and my eyes are so tired of it..

Recently, I deleted Tinder and Bumble completely, I barely used Raya and have now set it to friends only. I thought everything was gone — until I realised I still had Hinge on my work phone. I hadn’t checked it in weeks.

There were 236 notifications.

And I didn’t feel excited. I didn’t feel curious.

I felt sick.

I didn’t even want to open it. I just wanted my pictures offline. I didn’t want to exist digitally anymore. That, in itself, says everything about what dating apps do to us. As soon as I clicked onto it, to delete, the universe spoke, on a dark reminder of why I want to be offline, lay before me on my screen, It was like I was being told… yes delete, delete, delete, because bad people lurk here…

The Illusion of Endless Choice

Dating apps sell the idea that more choice equals better outcomes, however psychologically, the opposite is often true.

Too much choice leads to:

  • Paralysis
  • Dissatisfaction
  • Constant comparison
  • A belief that something “better” is always out there

We find a diamond and still keep fucking digging anyway… why???

People become disposable, A face, A profile, A moment of interest, then… replaced. Not because something is wrong — but because the swipe never ends. It’s so cruel, not just to others but to ourselves..

We’ve become fickle and the apps reward it.

The Scariest Part of Online Dating: The 3–4 Week Pattern

This is the part nobody wants to admit — because once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

You meet someone, You talk every day, The connection feels consistent, Warm and Promising.

Then you hit week three or week four.

And something changes.

Replies slow down, Effort drops, the tone shifts. Suddenly they’re busy. Work is stressful. Life is overwhelming. They’ve got so much on.

The good mornings , the good nights disappear. The curiosity fades.

And you’re left asking:

Why does it always seem to end here? Why do people stop trying at the exact same point?

Dating apps encourage people to fantasise rather than commit, its all words and no action, To chase excitement without responsibility. To invest emotionally just enough, until someone else catches their eye.

Because someone always does.

A girl drops into their DMs. A new face swipes right. And before you know it, the excuses begin:

“I didn’t get a chance to reply.”

“I’ve been exhausted.”

“I’ve just been really busy.”

It’s not that they suddenly became busy.

It’s that their attention moved elsewhere… and it hurts…

When You Have a Good Heart, This Hurts More

This pattern cuts deeper when you’re someone who leads with sincerity, when your heart is pure, and you just simply hope for a glimmer of happiness in love…

When you like someone, you focus. You don’t browse. You don’t keep your options open “just in case.” Once you’ve met someone, you don’t feel the need to even look at an app.

So when things fade — again — it makes you question everything:

Who do I get close to?

Who do I trust?

When is it safe to let my barriers down?

As a woman, I sometimes wish I could be colder, more guarded, less emotionally available. Like friends of mine who can detach easily and give nothing away, and play the complete bitch, and they get treated like absolute royalty..

But I can’t help who I am.

And that softness — in a swipe culture — feels like a liability…

The Emotional Cost of Subtle Withdrawal

What makes this even harder is how quiet the withdrawal is.

If you’re intuitive, you feel it instantly. You notice the shift before it’s acknowledged. The delayed replies. The lack of effort. The energy change.

So when it happens again, it’s not just disappointment — it’s exhaustion.

It makes you not want to date at all. Not because you don’t want love, but because you’re tired of walking the same emotional loop with different faces.

Sometimes, you wish the internet didn’t exist, because people used to learn how to love. They worked through boredom. They chose each other. They didn’t disappear when novelty wore off.

Now, instead of asking “Can I grow with this person?”

People ask “Who else is out there?”

And that question alone destroys connection.

This is why celibacy is so key, because we can give part of our souls, but at least our body can remain untouched and we can hold onto some dignity. The real sadness these days, is how a lot of women, do give their bodies up too early, too freely, and the men take take take.. so you’ve given everything and feel left with nothing, and it hits you twice as hard.

Are Dating Apps Really How Most People Meet?

Despite how dominant apps feel, the data tells a different story.

While dating app usage has skyrocketed over the last decade, most long-term relationships still don’t start online. Even now, the majority of couples meet through:

  • Friends
  • Work
  • Social circles
  • Shared interests
  • Real-world environments

Apps feel unavoidable, but they aren’t the only way. They’ve just become the loudest.

What If We Walked Away From Dating Apps in 2026?

If we collectively stepped back, even temporarily, something interesting might happen.

  • Effort would return — because access wouldn’t be endless
  • Presence would matter more than performance
  • People would have to communicate instead of disappearing
  • Traditions would slowly reinstall themselves

When temptation isn’t constantly in your pocket, you’re more likely to lean into what’s in front of you.

And maybe — just maybe — if we stepped away from apps once we met someone, we’d actually try. We’d communicate. We’d work through discomfort instead of escaping it.

Choosing Depth in a World Addicted to Dopamine

As I step into 2026, I don’t have all the answers when it comes to love. I don’t know where life will take me romantically. What I do know is that I’m no longer willing to participate in something that leaves me feeling anxious, disposable, or disconnected from myself. I have hopes, I have dreams, I have affection, right now even desire, and I know where my heart points… but still trying to remain the ever optimist, and hope somewhere in this big wide world, a good man who aligns still exists.. somewhere.. maybe an ocean away… but there will be that man in the world, who brings calm, brings smiles, and brings a genuine love…

Right now, I’m single and you know what I’m okay with that… because I know my worth and what I deserve… and what’s more so If I feel the tone change, trust me, I will switch off quicker than any guy saying ‘Sorry Ive had a busy day’ – FU and FU …

So until a man asks me to be his girlfriend, his girl, until there is clarity, intention, and consistency — I choose to remain exactly where I am. Open-hearted, hopeful, but no longer available for half-effort, fantasy, or emotional breadcrumbs, darling, you we’re great for the 3 week Disney story, now I have shit to do, but yes, I use the word hopeful… you just never know, what’s around the corner!

Sadly Dating apps have trained us to believe that being alone is something to fix quickly, rather than something to sit with consciously. They’ve taught us that love is abundant but shallow, that connection is instant but disposable, and that if something feels hard, there’s always another option waiting.

But real love has never worked like that.

Love requires patience. It requires discomfort. It requires staying, even when the novelty fades and perhaps that’s why so many people feel lost now: not because love no longer exists, but because we’ve forgotten how to nurture it.

We’re living in a time where people want the feeling of connection without the responsibility of maintaining it. Where intimacy is mistaken for attention. Where consistency feels rare, and emotional safety feels almost radical.

And yet — despite all of this — I don’t believe love is gone.

I believe it’s quieter now. Slower. Less performative. I believe it exists in real conversations, in shared experiences, in moments that aren’t filtered or curated for an audience. I believe it grows when temptation isn’t constantly whispering in your pocket, telling you someone else might be better.

Maybe walking away from dating apps isn’t about rejecting modern dating entirely. Maybe it’s about reclaiming our nervous systems. Relearning how to be present. Choosing depth over dopamine.

Because when you remove endless choice, what’s left is intention.

When you remove constant comparison, what’s left is appreciation.

And when you remove distraction, what’s left is the possibility of something real.

So perhaps the question isn’t “How do we find love in 2026?”

But rather:

“How do we protect it when it shows up?”

And maybe — just maybe — the answer starts with putting the phone down, stepping back into the world, and allowing connection to unfold the way it always did… slowly, imperfectly, and humanly. Maybe the olden day love is still out there, maybe we just need to allow our eyes to glance further than our phone screens, and maybe we should just cherish the connections we do make.. making our own Hollywood ending…

You never know, maybe love is already in your life.. and you’ll find it when the distractions cease…

To the Man Turning 40: This Isn’t a Crisis — It’s a Reckoning

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(A Coach/therapist’s letter to men who feel restless, disconnected, and quietly unfulfilled)

If you’re a man approaching 40, or already there climbing up the big steep hill to the next milestone, and you feel unsettled in a way you can’t quite explain — this is for you.

Not because something has gone “wrong”, but because something has finally become clear.

Most men don’t wake up at 40 and announce, “I’m having a midlife crisis.”

What actually happens is far quieter.

You start feeling bored by things that used to distract you.

You feel irritated by routines you once accepted.

You look at your relationship, your job, your social life — and can start to feel strangely disconnected from all of it.

And the most confusing part? Nothing is obviously broken….

Why This Age Hits Men So Hard – The Biological Facts!

As a coach and trainee therapist, I sit with men every week who say some version of:

“I don’t know what’s wrong. I should be happy, but I’m not.”

At 40, men reach a point where autopilot stops working.

Let’s pause and talk about something many guys never learn in school: your hormones are not static. They change over time, and that matters deeply for your energy, mood, desire, and how you experience life and relationships.

Around the age of 40, many men begin to feel changes that don’t feel random and that’s because they’re linked to very real shifts in hormone biology.

Testosterone Doesn’t Fall Off a Cliff – It Declines Gradually

Unlike what you might hear in the media, men don’t go through a sudden “male menopause” like women do. Instead, testosterone, the hormone most closely associated with male biological identity, begins to decline slowly and steadily from around your 30s onward. Research shows this decline is roughly about 1 % per year after age 30. 

To put that in perspective:

  • At 30, your testosterone is near its adult peak.
  • By 40, you’ve already experienced years of gradual decline.
  • By 50–60, the difference is more noticeable both physically and emotionally.  

This slow hormonal change is often referred to in medical literature as part of andropause or late-onset hypogonadism, though those terms can sometimes be misleading because the shift is gradual, not abrupt, and affects each man differently. 

What Testosterone Actually Does

Testosterone plays many roles in your body — far beyond libido:

  • It helps maintain muscle mass and strength.
  • It supports bone density and skeletal health.
  • It influences red blood cell production and overall energy.
  • It plays a part in mood, motivation, and emotional regulation.
  • It stimulates sexual desire and reproductive function.  

So when testosterone dips – even just a bit — it can show up in ways that feel psychological, emotional, and physical all at once.

Why You Might Not Notice at First

Because the decline is gradual, most men don’t feel a “switch flip.” Instead, you start noticing:

  • Less energy, even after decent sleep
  • Motivation that once came easily now requires effort
  • Lower drive and desire in sex and life
  • Mood shifts, more irritation, less patience
  • Reduced confidence or feeling “not quite myself”
  • Changes in body composition a bit more fat, a bit less muscle
  • A creeping sense that things aren’t as fun anymore  

These aren’t dramatic changes one day, they’re the subtle results of years of small hormonal shifts and because testosterone influences mood and motivation, these shifts can feel emotional before they feel biological.

It’s Not Just Testosterone — The Whole System Changes

The production of testosterone is governed by a feedback loop between your brain and your testes. With age, this loop becomes less efficient, meaning your body produces slightly less hormone and responds slightly differently to what it does produce. 

Plus, other hormones like growth hormone and adrenal androgens (which also affect vitality and stress response) decline over time too, so the whole hormonal landscape shifts. 

Why This Matters at 40

At 40, these hormonal shifts often intersect with life reality checks, relationship strains, career plateau, unmet goals, changing bodies, and the first real awareness of time passing.

That’s why what feels like a “crisis” often feels like:

  • low energy
  • lack of motivation
  • creeping dissatisfaction
  • longing for something more

Not because you’re weak —

but because your internal chemistry has changed, and your brain is suddenly comparing your inner experience to your outer life expectations and when your internal validation sources aren’t as strong as they once were, your brain starts searching externally, in relationships, sex, novelty, validation from others, and fantasies that feel exciting precisely because they promise a rush of feeling alive again.

Biologically, testosterone begins to fluctuate and slowly decline. This doesn’t just affect libido, it affects drive, confidence, tolerance, and motivation. What you once pushed down or ignored suddenly demands attention.

Psychologically, your brain shifts from building mode to meaning mode. You start asking:

  • Is this the life I actually chose?
  • Have I lived for myself, or for everyone else?
  • Who am I?
  • If nothing changes, is this really how I want the next 40 years to look?

This is not weakness. This is self-awareness arriving late, because no one taught you how to access it earlier.

The Life of Convenience (And Why It Feels Like a Trap)

Many men arrive at 40 realising they didn’t consciously design their life – they slid into it.

The relationship made sense.

The job was stable.

The family structure worked.

The expectations were met.

But alignment and convenience are not the same thing.

A lot of men are not unhappy because their partner is “wrong” – they’re unhappy because they were never honest about who they were or what they needed, and do start to feel everything became about convenience, and now that’s not enough..

So now you feel:

  • tied down
  • under pressure
  • emotionally muted
  • resentful without knowing why

Not because someone is controlling you, but because you’ve been people-pleasing your way through adulthood.

You learned early that being a “good man” meant not rocking the boat. Now you’re suffocating in the boat you never questioned getting into.

Validation: The Missing Piece No One Talks About

Let’s talk about validation, because this is at the core of so much male behaviour at this age. Men are rarely taught how to validate themselves.

Your worth has likely been measured by:

  • productivity
  • providing
  • being wanted
  • being chosen
  • being a team player
  • being useful
  • being successful in sports and work

By 40, many men feel invisible. At work, you’re replaceable. At home, you’re functional. In your relationship, you’re familiar.

So your nervous system starts searching for external confirmation that you still matter.

This is where validation-seeking behaviours appear.

Let’s Talk About the Relationship You’re In

If you’re around 40, there’s a good chance the relationship you’re in wasn’t chosen with full awareness, because you weren’t the man you are now when you entered it.

You might be with your first love, the person you grew up with, changed with, adapted to, without ever stopping to ask whether you still fit each other.

You might be with your second or third serious partner, a relationship formed after heartbreak, loneliness, or the fear of starting again Or you might be in a relationship that simply worked at the time, it felt safe, sensible, and stable and now feels flat, distant, or restrictive.

None of this makes you a bad man. It makes you human – and honest enough to notice change.

Why You’re Still There, Even If You’re Unhappy

Let me say this clearly, because men rarely hear it said plainly.

You’re probably not staying because you’re happy.

You’re staying because you’re afraid.

Afraid of hurting someone you care about.

Afraid of being judged.

Afraid of losing access to your children.

Afraid of starting again at 40.

Afraid that you won’t be chosen again.

But underneath all of that is a quieter fear, one most men don’t name:

The fear of being alone with yourself.

If you’ve moved from one relationship to another, or if you’ve never truly been single as an adult, the idea of being alone can feel confronting rather than freeing, and it’s not what your ‘mates’ are doing –

This relationship may be doing more than offering companionship. It may be protecting you from having to face yourself, and providing that comforting feeling of conforming.

Be Honest: Did You Choose This, or Did You Settle?

I’m not asking this to shame you.

I’m asking because clarity matters.

Settling sounds like:

  • It’s not perfect, but nothing is.
  • I should be grateful.
  • It’s easier to stay.
  • I’ve already invested so much.
  • I do love her but…
  • I often think of someone else, but I couldn’t her
  • It just works.. I guess
  • Everyone else is married off..

Choosing sounds different:

  • I can be myself here, everything aligns perfect
  • I feel emotionally and physically connected.
  • I don’t have to shrink or perform.
  • This relationship supports the man I’m becoming.

If you’re honest, you already know which one you’re doing.

Why the Thought of Being Single Feels So Heavy

Being single at 40 can feel like failure, especially in a culture that measures men by stability and continuity. However the real weight isn’t social, It’s emotional.

Being single means:

  • no distraction
  • no automatic validation
  • no role to hide behind

It forces you to ask: Who am I without this relationship?

If you’ve never learned how to self-validate, self-soothe, or sit with your own emotions, that question can feel overwhelming.

So staying feels safer than facing it.

Here’s the Truth Most Men Avoid

If you can’t imagine being single, that doesn’t mean you should stay.

It means you haven’t yet built a relationship with yourself.

Being single at 40 isn’t a failure.

For many men, it’s a developmental stage you were never encouraged to enter earlier.

It’s where you:

  • stop performing
  • rebuild self-trust
  • learn what you actually want
  • choose a partner rather than needing one

Men who never allow themselves this phase often repeat the same relationship – different person, same dynamic, because there hasn’t been growth, maybe healing, but not growth! Are you back on the couch each night? Are you secretly thinking about someone else?

Staying Isn’t Always the Noble Choice

Staying in the wrong relationship doesn’t protect anyone in the long run.

It creates:

  • quiet resentment
  • emotional withdrawal
  • sexual disconnection
  • fantasy lives outside the relationship
  • a slow erosion of self-respect

Leaving doesn’t make you selfish. Staying disconnected doesn’t make you loyal.

The real issue isn’t leaving or staying – it’s living unconsciously.

What I’d Ask You as Your Therapist

Before you ask yourself,

“Should I leave or stay?”

Ask yourself:

  • Am I here out of love, or out of fear?
  • Can I be fully honest in this relationship?
  • Do I feel more myself, or less, when I’m in it?
  • If nothing changed, could I accept this life forever?
  • Is she the one who blows my mind, and am I happy sleeping with her for the rest of my life?

You don’t need immediate answers. You do need the courage to stop avoiding the questions.

Because the most painful thing I see men do at this age

isn’t leaving a relationship – it’s staying silent and slowly disappearing inside it.

Men block away the questions, block away the doubt and try and plod on, and what the fuck for? To live a life you’ve never really wanted? To make do?? Is this all life means to you?

This is the problem – Because this is where the need for validation, can take strong hold, this is where affairs can creep in.. and suddenly your mind starts to wander..

Seeking out the answers..

Why Younger Women Suddenly start to stand out..

When a younger woman shows interest, it doesn’t just feel flattering – it feels restorative.

It says:

  • You’re still attractive.
  • You still have power.
  • You still have options.
  • You’re not past it.

This isn’t always about sex.

It’s about identity repair.

Dating apps amplify this. You lower your age. You lower the age you’re searching for. You chase the dopamine hit of being wanted rather than asking yourself what you actually want.

But here’s the part I challenge men on in coaching therapy:

If you don’t want more children, repeatedly choosing women without children, or significantly younger women, is not accidental.

It’s avoidance.

You’re outsourcing clarity to the future and hoping it won’t cost anyone.

That’s not malicious – but it is your responsibility.

You look at women, and think – “will my friends be impressed by her”, “Will she fit into my social circle”, “Will she make me feel younger” , I mean yes, yes and yes, but after the first year or two, you will realise, this isn’t enough. When your baby raising days are over, you’re sat now with a childless younger woman, and the question of “Do I really want to become a father again?” – Now do you people-please, or take the reigns and seek what you truly want.

Sex, Threesomes, and the Search for Validation

Around this age, many men suddenly start thinking about sexual exploration – threesomes, older women, young women, experimentation, novelty, fantasies they ignored earlier in life.

Let me be very clear:

This is not about being perverted, broken, or immature.

It’s about validation multiplied.

Being desired by one woman reassures you. Being desired by two feels like confirmation of masculinity, relevance, and power.

It can feel like stepping into a “boss era” — admired, wanted, envied.

But here’s the question I ask men:

“What do you think this experience would finally prove about you?”

Because sexual novelty often isn’t about pleasure – it’s about self-worth.

There is nothing wrong with curiosity. There is a risk when curiosity becomes a way to avoid looking at deeper dissatisfaction.

If your life feels flat, sex becomes the fantasy of aliveness. If your identity feels lost, desire becomes proof you still exist, so multiplying that in a ménage a trois.

Children, Regret, and the Illusion of Starting Over

Many men at 40 already have children – and for the first time in years, life is easing.

Your kids are more independent. You’re getting space back.

You can breathe.

This is why the idea of another baby creates such conflict.

A new child can symbolise youth, purpose, and renewal, that fresh feeling of a new little love in your life, but it also means losing autonomy again, and as stats prove, children 2nd time around can cause much more conflict. The woman you chose second time around, who made you feel young, alive again, suddenly becomes mum, and the circle that trapped you in the first cycle, starts all over again.

I work with men who agree to another child not because they want one, but because they don’t want to disappoint their partner or face difficult conversations – again people-pleasing!!

That isn’t selflessness.

That’s fear and fear-based choices are where resentment is born.

Men’s Mental Health at 40: What I See in the coaching Room

Men don’t usually talk about this stage — they act it out.

They:

  • withdraw emotionally
  • fantasise about escape
  • chase validation
  • avoid honesty
  • live parallel lives

Not because they’re selfish – but because no one taught them how to process change without running from it.

If you recognise yourself here, I want you to hear this:

You are not broken.

You are not failing.

You are waking up.

My Advice…

Before you change your relationship, your partner, your sex life, or your future – pause.

Ask yourself:

  • Where am I seeking validation instead of self-acceptance?
  • What have I never allowed myself to say out loud?
  • Am I avoiding discomfort, or avoiding truth?
  • If I keep living this way, who do I become?

You don’t need to implode your life.

You do need to stop abandoning yourself.

Sometimes staying and rebuilding is the bravest thing. Sometimes leaving honestly is the healthiest thing.

What matters is that you choose, consciously – instead of drifting.

What do you really want? Who do you really want? Are you happy to conform? Are you happy with you? What is missing? What brought you here…

To the Man Reading This

You’re allowed to want more than convenience.

You’re allowed to evolve.

You’re allowed to change your mind.

You’re allowed to prioritise authenticity over approval.

Turning 40 isn’t about getting your youth back.

It’s about finally becoming the man you never had space to be.

And that journey doesn’t start with validation from women, sex, or novelty — it starts with honesty.

With yourself..

(Contact me for Coaching – transformwithkerry@gmail.com)

Why Studying Relationships, Love and Sex -Changed My Dating Life

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Why I date different Now: Time, Boundaries and emotional capacity.

As I study to become a therapist – particularly in love, attachment, sexual development, and relationships, something unexpected has happened.

The more I understand relationships, the more intentional I’ve become about the ones I allow into my life.

That doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith in love.

It means I’ve gained clarity.

What Being a Gentleman Really Means

There’s a difference between manners and character. Small gestures matter, of course, but real emotional maturity goes deeper than surface charm. Consistency, integrity, and follow-through are what sustain connection over time.

Connection isn’t something you perform for a few weeks. It’s something you live, especially when things slow down, become familiar, or require effort.

Boundaries Are Not Barriers

People often assume that because I set boundaries clearly, I must be “hard work.”

But boundaries aren’t walls, they’re guidelines for respect.

If someone wants my mind, my connection, my body, and my energy, that should be mutual. I believe both people should earn each other, at the same pace, with the same intention.

My Love Language Is Time

One thing I’ve come to understand about myself is that my love language is time.

Not grand gestures. Not constant texting. BUT Presence.

Time is the clearest signal of intention. When someone makes time for you, they’re showing that they’re open, emotionally and practically, to building something. They’re showing availability, not just interest.

And equally important: not everyone can make time.

That doesn’t make someone wrong, unavailable, or unkind. Sometimes people are aligned with you in many ways, but they simply don’t have the capacity for a relationship, logistically, emotionally, or both. The age I’m at now, men and women are in their ‘Selfish’ phase recapturing the years as a parent or wrong relationship, so letting someone else in, doesn’t often work, until they’ve really healed. I spot it a mile off, and it makes me back off, because I will test the waters with availability, and I get a feeling very fast. However like I always say it is what it is, and one mans loss is another mans gain.. (I fucking hope so anyway)

And that has to be okay… I think?

Capacity Matters — On Both Sides

I often question whether I have the capacity for a relationship myself. Between my work, my studies, and the life I’ve built, I’ve had to ask that honestly.

This summer felt like a quiet test. What I noticed is that when someone genuinely captures my heart, I do make time. I create space. I shift priorities. There is with me a pull towards want, I may not need, but I would say ‘Like’ a relationship, and yes that key evidence is time..

That’s how I know time matters to me — because I offer it when it’s real.

What I don’t yet know is whether I’ve captured someone else’s heart in the same way. Post Covid dating, is a mile away from dating 10 years ago, and it’s literally horrific!

Intention Over Attention

I’m not interested in connection without direction.. I mean what is the point in one night stands, no thank you, I deserve better!

I don’t want endless messaging with no plan, or conversations that drift without purpose. I value intention, presence, and someone who wants to see me, and shows that through action. I value a man who is confident in dating women his own age, and not dating women 10 years younger just to find validation. Connection is so important.

There’s something deeply reassuring about someone who says, “I want to spend time with you,” and then follows through.

I’m Not a Text Pen Pal

What I have noticed lately is men wanting to access without intention.

They chat, They disappear, They return, they mirror your interests, They force connection. All desperation – not desire.

I don’t want nor need

  • A text pen pal
  • Endless FaceTimes to pass someones lonely nights
  • Swiping apps
  • Emotional ambiguity

I want leadership. I’m a traditional – Not in a submission, but in polarity. I’m not trying to be ‘one of the boys’. I’m very much in my feminine power, and I want a man who meets me in his masculine – Naturally, not performatively.

Consistency Is the Foundation

Consistency is the bare minimum. Inconsistency is just a flag for me (pink or red situation dependent) Inconsistency doesn’t make someone a bad person , it simply reveals misalignment.

I don’t need validation. I’m confident in who I am and the life I’ve created. What I look for is consistency, curiosity, and emotional availability, someone who shows up, communicates clearly, and understands that connection requires time, not just words.

My life, my look can intimidate men, but then I look at the exes I have remained friends with, and they know the real me, the soft, nurturing wife, mummy, friend. So I know those I intimidate.. aren’t right for me, I saw that this summer, he chipped away at everything he fell in love with it.. because as you will recall what was said ‘Kerry Men are 51% and women will always be 49%.

Alone Isn’t the Same as Lonely

I’m not afraid of being single. I value my independence and my peace. What I’m mindful of is choosing wisely. The fear isn’t weakness – It’s wisdom! 42 Years of Kerry wisdom perfected. My own self awareness so awake, that there is a completeness to knowing exactly what I want, but also what I deserve.

The right connection won’t require me to wonder where I stand. It will feel reciprocal, steady, and considered.

This isn’t just about me though, it’s about everyone.

Don’t settle, AIM HIGH!

No I don’t mean in the sense of constantly chasing ‘something better’ but in recognising real alignment when it happens, when it appears, and CHERISH IT!

When someone truly sees you, chooses you and shows up, that’s rare and that’s special – Hold onto that!

So Where Am I Now?

Right now, I’m here — grounded, open, and discerning.

As you mature, things change, the boat gets rocked, one day you wake up, and the boyfriend type who used to fit in with your friends and social circle, seems somewhat distant, the conforming boyfriends, seems a million miles away from where you want to be. Yes my 20’s and 30’s the looks, the social circle and friendship circles mattered, but as you mature, you start to realise, what seemed like perfect alignments, change.. and wow the last 2 years, I’ve felt the shift in me.

I believe there is someone out there who understands that time is love. Someone who has the capacity to show up, to plan, to be present and maybe not perfectly, but intentionally. Yes I closed the door on potentials very quickly, because I’m high value, and I don’t need ‘maybe’ in my life. You’re in or out.. let’s not work with blurred or grey lines.

And if that person hasn’t found me yet, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist..

It just means the story isn’t finished… and these mishaps (ahem Mistakes ssssh) that I keep having, are just part of my own journey… so I’m returning back to my morning coffee and all I can say is….

TO BE CONTINUED….

The WhatsApp Graveyard – The Hidden sadness behind the Archived chats.

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There’s a sadness attached to the WhatsApp archived box that I don’t think people talk about enough. For me, it isn’t just a folder. It isn’t a feature. It isn’t even practical….

It’s a graveyard.

A quiet cemetery of conversations that once lit up my screen, once lit up my heart, once got me all excited, and then, slowly, silently – went dark. Every time I open it, I’m reminded not just of people I’ve spoken to, but people I had hope for. People who came, touched my life for a moment, said all the right things, and then floated out just as easily.

And I ask myself:

‘Kerry how did we end up here?’ How did words that felt full of potential turn into silence? How did light turn into dimness?

What the Archived Box Means to Me

The archived box feels like the place I put people when I can’t bear to see them dwindle down my chat list. Watching someone slide further and further down, past the group chats, past the random acquaitance chats, past the family you rarely reply to, is painful. It’s a visual reminder of how long it’s been since they cared enough to speak… or since I cared enough to try again.

I don’t like putting people in the archived box. I don’t enjoy the symbolic burial of a conversation that once mattered, but sometimes keeping them in my main inbox hurts even more, because every day they drift further down, it’s like watching a candle burn out in slow motion.

So I archive them, Not because I don’t care, But because maybe… I care too much.

“Out of sight, out of mind” never really works – but it gives me a moment of peace.

Why We Put People There – Psychologically Speaking

From a psychologist point of view, the archiving someone is a coping mechanism. It’s emotional self-preservation. It’s the digital version of pushing a painful memory into a drawer so it doesn’t stab you every time you pass it.

However as you know I love to do this, let’s break it down, Here’s what’s actually happening:

We’re protecting ourselves from dopamine withdrawal

When communication drops, dopamine drops. It feels like a crash. We’re wired to attach to patterns of attention, affection, and consistency… and when that suddenly stops, the brain reads it as rejection, danger, loss, and fuck me, it starts to hurt!

Archiving becomes a way to minimise triggers. In a way it’s managing pain rejection. Even psychology textbooks say the brain processes social rejection like physical pain. Seeing their name every time we open the app hurts. Archiving puts a plaster on the bruise.

We’re grieving potential – not just a person

We call this ambiguous loss. It’s grief with no closure.

The archive holds:

  • potential relationships that never became real
  • stories that could have been beautiful
  • versions of people we hoped they were
  • versions of ourselves we were becoming

When someone pulls away, we feel powerless. Archiving gives us one small act of agency and dignity…

One small click that says: “I won’t let this hurt me every day.”

The Hope That Lives in the Archive

What makes it even sadder is that the archived box isn’t just grief – it’s hope. Every time a WhatsApp notification pops up, there’s a flicker of excitement. A tiny spark. A second of wondering if one of the voices from the archive has come back to life.

And sometimes… it’s just AliExpress… That sigh of disappointment says everything. Just seeing that (1) feels like a gamble, like Russian Roulette.. The archived box is where hope and heartbreak sit next to each other, quietly. Sad isn’t it.

So I know you’re wondering, what chats and who are in your archived Kerry.. it’s very simple

My Ex Husband (RIP), My best friend who passed 7 years ago, 4 Old business chats, Two men I fell for, and 6 men I got bored of chat with, and one who didn’t know if he was coming or going… 2017 – 2025!

When Do I Decide to Archive Someone?

For me, it’s when communication starts to hurt more than it feels good. When messages slow.When replies turn into half-hearted sentences. When 10 minute podcasts turn into ‘You ok’ … Noooo Inconsistency and emotional immaturity, does not work for me! Sorry but true!

When someone who once told you they liked you begins to backtrack internally… inventing flaws in you that don’t exist, inventing “I’ve been busy”, “I’ve got so much on” , bull shit with the excuses hun, In or OUT, it’s simple.. we don’t do bread crumbing!

That’s when I archive… NOT because I want to, but because watching the decline pains me, I see it as a Soft goodbye, a gentle retreat, it could have been.. but you fucked it mate! It’s my way of saying, I deserve more!!

Are We in Someone’s Archived Box Too?

We’ll never know for sure, but we know when communication drops. We know when someone judges us silently. We know when enthusiasm fades.

And the sad truth is:

we end up in their archive the same way they end up in ours – through silence, avoidance, miscommunication, fear, or simply choosing someone else.

The Graveyard of “Almost” Relationships

When I scroll through my archive, it feels like looking at a cemetery of could-have-beens.

People I let go, People who let me go. Opportunities that slipped away, Men who chose the wrong partner over me and now speak about feeling unloved, stay in my orbit, like I am the one that got away… No Darling, you let me get away!

I sit there thinking:

If you were that unhappy… why didn’t you see me? Why didn’t you realise I’m the opposite of everything that broke you? Why didn’t you recognise sincerity when it stood right in front of you?

They didn’t. The sad thing is by the time people realise they want you, their games and inconsistency, the communication stopping…

Me being archived… Or they being archived… It’s all just a digital tombstone for a story that might have been.

Maybe the Archive Tells Us More About Them Than About Us

In the end, people often put themselves in the archived box through:

  • mixed signals
  • fear
  • avoidance
  • emotional immaturity
  • choosing comfort over connection
  • choosing chaos over calm

And maybe that’s the real graveyard – not the WhatsApp folder, but the emotional space inside someone who never let themselves love fully. Those miss out, because out of self preservation, they talk theirselves out of real happiness, and maybe you could of helped them to find real happiness..

As much as the archive feels like a graveyard, I’m learning that I don’t have to keep visiting it like a mourner. Moving on isn’t about deleting people – it’s about understanding why the story didn’t progress and why that’s okay…

How I heal, and how I move on…

1. I Accept That Silence Is an Answer

Lack of communication is communication. Confusion is clarity.

2. I Focus on My Behaviour, Not Theirs

I can’t control why someone pulled away – but I can control how I respond.

3. I Reduce Triggers Without Punishing Myself

Archiving is a soft boundary, not a failure.

4. I Let Myself Feel the Micro-Grief

Losing potential hurts – but only for a moment, not forever.

5. I Remember That Genuine Connection Doesn’t Need Forcing

The right person won’t need convincing, won’t need chasing, just to boost their own ego, they could feel scared of the whole situation, but you know what… They still show up!

6. I Let New Conversations Start Fresh

Healing is attachment repair, not emotional replacement.

7. I Rewrite the Meaning of the Archive

It’s not a grave anymore.

It’s a record of how I’ve grown.

And that’s where the shift begins: when you stop chasing the ones who keep you guessing and start choosing the ones who make you feel safe, seen, and certain. When you realise that consistency isn’t boring – it’s calming. That genuine interest isn’t overwhelming – it’s reassuring. That real connection doesn’t spike your anxiety, their emotional chaos doesn’t throw you in fight or flight, – it steadies your nervous system, you feel at home, at peace.. You can’t wait to be in their arms again!

The moment you understand this, you reclaim your attention from the chaos and redirect it toward people who actually show up. People who don’t leave you hanging in the grey area. People who don’t make you fight for scraps of effort. People who choose you in a way you don’t have to earn.

Because the right connection won’t make you overthink – it will make you exhale.

And once you’ve felt that difference, the old patterns stop feeling tempting.

What ambition really means: Purpose, Relationships and becoming a Power Couple..

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Ambition is more than chasing titles or money. It’s about growth, purpose, relationships and becoming the best version of yourself, individually and as a couple. This blog explores the psychology of ambition, why it differs for everyone, how it affects relationships, and how true ambition can build the ultimate power couple..

Ambition is often misunderstood. People assume it is about job titles, financial milestones or fame, yet the truth is far more personal. Ambition is a desire to grow, to stretch beyond who we were yesterday. For some, it burns from childhood; for others, it awakens over time through experience, opportunity or encouragement. It can feel innate or it can develop slowly, shaped by our environment and the people who influence us.

In the UK, many people value stability over striving. Research shows a nation where a large proportion are satisfied with a steady routine rather than fuelled by upward momentum, however that doesn’t make ambition rare, it simply means ambition takes different shapes. Some hearts crave peace; some crave progress; some strive for both.

Ambition is neither good nor bad on its own. It depends on what it is rooted in. When ambition grows from ego, insecurity or comparison, it becomes hollow, empty and will never lead to happiness. When it grows from purpose, meaning, kindness and a desire to contribute, it becomes powerful, it leads to freedom and peace.

What Ambition Really Means

Society often portrays ambition as a ladder to climb, a race to win or an image to uphold, however ambition can be quiet and gentle. It can be the ambition to be a loving parent, a supportive friend, a generous soul, a positive force. It can be the ambition to help others, to heal, to create, to lead with compassion. For years people have said “Kerry, I wished I had your drive and ambition” , and yes in some aspects I have succeeded, with academia, with a woman growing a business in a mans world, and my focus on self development, but my biggest ambition in life is to help others, and share wisdom and knowledge to encourage and support others.

Many people lose their grounding when ambition becomes performance. True ambition stays humble. It acknowledges gratitude for what we have while still striving for personal growth. It does not demand praise or spotlight. It simply asks: How can I become better, kinder, stronger, wiser and more impactful than I was before? I don’t say this because it resonates with me, this really is what it boils down to.

For me personally, ambition is rooted in being a good mother, a good person, a good partner and someone who lifts others. That is ambition in its purest form.

Why Some People Are Driven and Others Are Content

Not everyone feels the same pull towards growth or achievement. Some find fulfilment in routine, in stability, in a nine-to-five life where peace is the priority. Others feel restless without challenges or new goals. Personality, upbringing, environment and mindset all shape our relationship with ambition.

Those who appear unambitious may actually be deeply motivated, just in different, less outward-facing ways and there is no right or wrong, because aren’t we all just striving for happiness in the end? Those who chase achievement may be seeking meaning rather than superiority. The beauty lies in recognising that people flourish in different ways. The goal is not to judge, but to understand.

Why Ambition Can Trigger Jealousy or Misunderstanding

Ambition can make people uncomfortable. They say they want like-minded, driven people around them, yet when they encounter someone truly ambitious, admiration is often mixed with insecurity. Someone else’s growth can highlight our own fears or unfulfilled dreams. Instead of saying, “I wish I had that courage,” people sometimes say, “I don’t like what they do”, “They’re doing it wrong”, and are so quick to criticise how others push or portray theirselves.

But in reality, what they dislike is the reflection ambition holds up to them.

Learning to celebrate ambition in others , to look at someone and think, “Good for them” , is a sign of emotional maturity a sign of our own inner security. We all deserve to chase what lights us up, and to be unashamed of striving for better, however if we are quick to critique or shame others for pushing theirselves, that bitterness, is a sure sign of the un-happiness we hold inside.

Ambition in Relationships: The Foundation of a Strong Partnership

Ambition is powerful on its own, but within a relationship, it becomes transformative. The right partnership doesn’t compete with ambition – it strengthens it. An ideal couple supports each other’s drive even when their dreams differ. It is not necessary for both partners to want the same things; it is necessary that they just want each other to succeed.

Two ambitious people together can create a remarkable dynamic. They understand each other’s need for focus, passion and growth. They celebrate each other’s wins, uplift each other through challenges and inspire each other to become better. They become a team, not rivals. Something I personally revel in, as having that support drives me even more, and firing up my partner, creates something deep inside me I simply cannot explain.

My relationship this summer, started out with him loving a strong, independent successful woman, however he started to criticise my every business move, my socials, my staff choices, my working hours, and to a point, he wanted me to sell my main business and get a ‘hobby’ job, as he would support me.. WOW! No matter how successful a partner may be, I will never just take a hobby job. But deeper than this it wasn’t just about that, it was the fact, he didn’t want to push me to succeed, he wanted me to take a back seat and ‘Be a woman’ – However I can do it all! He failed to recognise.

Even when ambitions do not align, one partner chasing a creative career, the other seeking stability; one wanting expansion, the other contentment, support remains the heartbeat of a healthy relationship. A partner who says, “I may not choose your dream for myself, or the way you do it, but I support you fully,” is a partner who loves without fear or insecurity. That is partnership in its highest form.

Becoming the Ultimate Power Couple

A power couple is not defined by wealth, status or external success. A true power couple is defined by mutual respect, emotional safety, encouragement and an unshakeable belief in one another. It is two people who look at each other and think, Your dreams matter, your growth matters, your purpose matters and I am proud to stand beside you.

Becoming a power couple requires more than ambition; it requires emotional maturity. It requires celebrating each other instead of competing, communicating openly, and holding space for dreams even when they diverge. It means understanding that your partner’s journey will not always mirror your own and that their ambitions may look nothing like yours. You do not need to love their ideas; you simply need to love their passion for them. I personally don’t like putting my face to social media, and going deep into the depths of me, but to make my career go the way I need it to, I have to push that; However, would I be comfortable with a partner doing the same,…. Nope… but if that’s what they need to do, and it genuinely aligns with their business and marketing, it’s something I would need to accept.

Power couples are built when two individuals refuse to dim each other’s light. They rise together, they learn from each other. They balance each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They become a home for both ambition and vulnerability, the grow together.

When support, ambition and love intertwine, they create a bond strong enough to withstand challenges and inspiring enough to carry both people further than they could go alone.

Can Ambitious People Find Contentment?

There is a belief that ambitious people are never satisfied, forever chasing the next thing. However grounded ambition, ambition rooted in purpose and humility, does not deprive someone of peace. It simply encourages them not to settle for less than they are capable of. The most balanced ambitious people appreciate what they have while gently moving towards more meaning, more impact, more growth.

They understand that everything extra is a bonus. Not a requirement.

Ambition becomes peaceful when it is no longer tied to validation but instead tied to purpose.

So…

Ambition is not about being better than others; it is about becoming better than the person you were yesterday. It is about purpose, impact, love, humility and growth. It is about living fully and showing up for your life with intention.

In relationships, ambition becomes even more powerful. When both partners support each other wholeheartedly and treat each other’s dreams with respect, they become unstoppable. Two people driven by purpose, grounded in mutual admiration, and committed to lifting each other higher – that is a true power couple.

Ambition is not a competition, It is a journey.

The most beautiful journey is the one where you walk towards your dreams alongside someone who believes in you just as strongly as you believe in them.

If you feel ambition burning, but not sure how to dig deep and work towards achieving success, then drop me a message. Working as a transformative coach, I work with many individuals, on working towards their goal mindset, turning that glass half empty into glass half full.. and if you want to look towards releasing that ambition and leaning to support yourself or a partner more, then contact me today…

Why men say all the right things, then disappear after intimacy: The Psychology behind mixed signals..

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If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why someone could look you in the eyes, promise connection, talk about a future with you, make you feel chosen… only to vanish after sex, you’re not alone. In today’s dating world, this is one of the most common and painful experiences many women face. We hear all the right words, we feel the emotional spark, we start to trust what’s being built… and then suddenly, the warmth turns cold.

This blog explores why this happens, what’s really going on psychologically, emotionally, and behaviourally and most importantly, why this isn’t a reflection of your worth. If you’ve been ghosted, future-faked, or emotionally led on, I want you to feel seen, validated, and empowered by the end of this. It’s shitty but it happens, and we can’t help it when the anxiety sets in, finally you thought you’d met a good’un, only for them to turn out like everyone else!

The Good morning and sweet dreams texts vanish, the X at the end of messages vanish, the ‘We’ve got this’ is a long distance memory and the ‘next date’ talk dries up dryer than the Sahara. There is a real sadness to this, and its something I have studied deeply, yet I still don’t have the answers, I still cannot understand why people treat the other party like this, because its painful and hurtful, and however strong you are as a person, it can still be crushing, facing the reality, that they ‘Just aren’t into you’ – Wow now that reminds me of one of my first blogs! (Anyone remember)!

Why Do Some Men Say All the Right Things… Then disappear?

There’s a specific kind of heartbreak that doesn’t just hurt, it leaves you confused, doubting yourself, and second-guessing everything that felt real. One minute he’s saying, “I can’t wait to spend more time with you,” “We’re going to get through this together,” and “I see something with us.” The next minute? He’s cold, distant, silent, or suddenly dealing with problems that never existed before.

But here’s the part most women never get told: this pattern has nothing to do with your value. It has everything to do with his lack of integrity, emotional maturity, and capacity for real intimacy.. FACT!

Some people use Words as Tools, not Promises

There are men who treat words like currency, something they spend to get what they want in the moment. They say whatever will create closeness, comfort, and trust, without thinking about the emotional consequences.

They’re not necessarily masterminds or villains; they’re emotionally immature.

To them, phrases like:

  • “I’m really into you.”
  • “I can’t wait to see where this goes.”
  • “We could be great together.”

…are more about creating a vibe than establishing a genuine intention. Meanwhile, you take those words seriously, because you meant yours.

Sex and intimacy triggers Vulnerability, and Avoidant men panic

For emotionally unavailable or avoidant men, sex is the moment when everything suddenly feels “real.” This is when he realises he might need to follow through. He might need to show up. He might need to actually invest.

Instead of communicating like an adult, he withdraws.

He blames stress, work, family problems, mental health, anything that lets him exit the situation while saving face. These “problems” usually appear out of nowhere because they’re not genuine issues, they’re escape routes. They’re his reason to go cold, his reason to run away.

They want the Fantasy, not the responsibility

This is a big one.

Some men genuinely love the idea of connection.

They love the chase.

They love the emotional intensity.

They love feeling wanted.

But when it’s time to turn that fantasy into something real, consistency, communication, accountability, they freeze. They don’t want a relationship; they want a moment and when the moment is over, so is their effort.

Their Disappearance is not a Reflection of You

This part matters:

Just because someone wasn’t able to follow through doesn’t mean you weren’t enough. It means they weren’t capable.

A man who is ready, emotionally aware, and genuinely interested won’t go cold after intimacy. He won’t future-fake. He won’t treat closeness as a performance and then retreat as soon as the spotlight fades. His behavior says nothing about your desirability, beauty, value, or lovability.

It only reveals his emotional limits.

The Hard Truth: Some men chase the high, not the Connection

There are men who treat dating like a dopamine sport. The chase is intoxicating. The validation is addictive. The thrill keeps them engaged, but only until the novelty wears off.

Once the excitement shifts into something deeper and more vulnerable, they disconnect. Not because you changed, but because the game did, the hormones feel different, and they are not self aware or knowledgeable to realise, they’re playing on hormones.

It’s not Just “Rump and Dump” … It’s Emotional Dishonesty

The sexual part is only half the issue. The deeper betrayal is the emotional deception. He didn’t just use your body, he used your mind, your trust, your vulnerability, your openness. He convinced himself you were what he wanted, but then he knew he doesn’t know what he truly wants in life anyway!

And that kind of behaviour isn’t about sex; it’s about character.

Rump and dump is a term I got told this year, by my ex. ‘You’re not a Rump and Dump girl Kerry’ – I was like WTF!!! However my ex did mean this as a compliment, but for someone like him, the term almost felt immature and unintelligent, so it shocked me! I mean I’m glad I wasn’t lol, but what an awful expression.

It literally mean, fuck her and fuck her off!! Beautiful hey!!!!

The expression of ‘Rump and Dump’, ‘Pump and Dump’ is actually used by fraudsters – How apt – Given that situation!

What you felt was real, What he showed was his insecurities.

Your emotions were genuine, Your intentions were sincere, Your connection felt real because you were real. His disappearance wasn’t proof that you misread the situation, it was proof that he misrepresented himself. He isn’t capable of handling a woman like you.

You see with some men, avoidance isn’t about them being the enemy, its about their insecurities, it can also mean, they think they aren’t worthy of you, that you’ll get bored of them, that you’ll hurt them. Enter the over thinkers, those who have a real shot of happiness with you, but talk theirselves out of it, thinking you’re not into them, and this is so sad, because 9/10 times you are, you really are. However they would rather put up walls and talk theirselves out of what amazing relationships they could have, (and often need) , due to the fear of not being good enough.

So….

If you’ve ever been left wondering why someone could be so warm, so convincing, so emotionally intimate one moment, and then so distant the next, please hear this: You did nothing wrong. You weren’t “too much,” you weren’t naive, and you weren’t imagining things.

You were dealing with someone who lacked the depth, honesty, emotional availability and maybe sadly confidence, required for real connection.

This experience doesn’t define your future, it clarifies your standards… AGAIN!

It doesn’t diminish your value, it exposes THEIR limitations And it doesn’t mean love won’t find you, it means you’re learning to recognise who’s truly capable of offering it.

You deserve consistency, You deserve sincerity, You deserve someone who doesn’t disappear when things get real, but grows deeper into them with you, and however much you internalise this, and feel the rejection badly, think, your value, and your worth has not been diminished because of this, it’s yet, sadly another fucking learning curve! (Do they ever cease)

So hold your head high, and say my fave saying ‘Shit happens’ –

Breadcrumbing Vs Ghosting – Are we all addicts?

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We cannot even Eenie, meanie, mo this one, because the 2024 get of men, don’t provide a 3rd option. Yes I speak for the masses on this. I recently posted on a ‘Dating group’ filled with 100k women, and the post went off the scale..

Initially I thought is this an age bracket issue, but hell no, this is age irrelevant.

Recently a lawsuit was filed in California against a very well known dating app, stating that its platform is designed to cause addiction. Having worked in corporate roles myself for two of the biggest adult gambling businesses, I spent a lot of time understanding just how the house wins, how the player is manipulated and how addictions are formed. Whilst studying I worked on a project about how a certain social platform was indeed designed to cause addiction. Our very own chemical processes manipulated for financial gain, and neither gambling, social or dating apps, give a fuck, yet daily, suicide after suicide from everyone of those avenues, but do these large corporations care?? No because we’re say paying for memberships, paying a board in CA to live their very best life, at the expense of us all, but most of all at the expense of real love.

With any addiction, people do not realise just how addicted they are.

Lets side by side..

A player goes 50/50 black or red, opts for red, wins, has a sensational feeling, a complete adrenalin fix leading up-to that win, and then that warm feeling of dopamine kicking in when they do win, what happens next, the rare few maybe walk away, thank the lord, they’re up, and feel blessed with their win, but a very very high majority with the attitude, ‘I want that fix again’ , ‘I could win more next time’ , ‘I can here with nothing will leave with nothing’ …

Now lets flip that side by side..

A player goes on a dating app, he swipes left on many girls, but swiped right on 5 other players, all gorgeous, they start a chat with all, but one stands out, they place their bet, they chat intensely, adrenalin pumping, sexual tension exciting, they arrange a date, date goes amazing, adrenalin is crazy through the roof, they ago home, they kiss, or even have sex, the moment, the chemistry, the pure raw dopamine, feels amazing, the next day, – again the very are few think – ‘Ive met someone special here, going to see what happens. The vast majority, feel smiley, a little happy, but as their dopamine levels naturally drop back down, they don’t realise, so they automatically presume, ‘No they’re not my one’ – again not realising this is all chemical, so instantly they want the fix again, and they wonder, I wonder if the other 4 matches have messages so log back on the apps, whilst there lets swipe again.. wonder who else is out there.

😳

It’s dangerous, and even those who feel they are the most confident, aren’t, something in them has an insecurity even if they shout to the world ‘Hey Im mr/mrs confident’ , something in them, forgets that people they date are human beings, and this… is what leads to breadcrumbing and ghosting.

So we have been here before discussing this, but what is the worse, now we can either leave another human being hanging on a ledge, for if we decide to return, maybe a day we need a pick me up, or maybe a day we’re in their area and fancy some fun, or we can totally ignore someone like they’re invisible… like they are not human, like we feel we are so much superior we can treat another human, with a heart like that. I cannot lie, I’ve never breadcrumbed anyone, but I have ghosted, and that’s because I have been a coward, and not wanted to hurt someone, but then at the same time, I was so wrong for presumming they wanted anything anyway 😂😂!!!

So what is breadcrumbing? Breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation, when someone makes out they are interested but deep down aren’t, they lust you, that’s it, they want nothing more. Sometimes people who breadcrumb, don’t even mean to manipulate on purpose, as strange as it sounds, they are genuinely unsure what they want In life. The standard situation, is they give a little of their time, here and there, when you try and break away, they offer their excuses, as to why they aren’t more available, they say, well walk away, but I like you. You will know when its bread crumbing, because after a month in, you will know nothing about them, they stop liking your instagram images, and they stop watching your story, they don’t give a fuck about your life and what you are upto, and girls you have to realise, you are a last resort here, an option, and most of these men, not all, but most, have underlying issues, they like the idea of an everlasting love, but they’ve either been coupled up in a long term relationship that ended, or are in mid-life crisis mode. However guys who breadcrumb, will give you a bit of time here and there, and they simply can’t give no more, because in the time they’re away they’re spending time on Instagram liking other women, chatting on whatssap to others, and swiping to boost their ego. They simply have a new flavour of the week, and when they get bored, will return.

So what is ghosting and how does it differ, I mean either way at this point, the word ‘Dick’ should have crossed your mind. However ghosting, is just as RUDE, but I have done it myself, rather than prolong the agony, and be undecided, I pretty much decide straight away, if i’m in or out, and I simply never have the heart to really say, no this isn’t for me, I kind of just drift away, don’t get me wrong, sometimes I have said it, but sometimes, I’ve simply archived and blocked, because I just don’t want to hurt someone. Another thing personal for me is ADHD, I simply forgot to reply. My current whatssap is at ’17’ unread, and that’s not me being rude. I’m just personally a nightmare. Ghosting echoes past rejections, it brings a feeling of self questioning, one minute everything fine, next, are they even alive? It leads to questions ‘What did we do’, ‘Is there something wrong with me’, and ‘Am I good enough’ .. and that’s the sad thing about it all. Yes you are good enough, but that person, you admired, doesn’t admire you. However because they haven’t told you, you don’t know the truth, so you hope for the best, but still, left on a cliff edge, however after time there is a finalé to it, you come to realise, yep their loss.

So if you ask, what is worse, breadcrumbing or ghosting? It has to be breadcrumbing, because people are toying with someone else’s heart, and not letting go, and to treat another human like this is so wrong, but leading someone on, is as low as it can be, because keeping someone hanging whilst we are unsure, isn’t kind. Years ago people used to value others emotions, others feelings, however in todays swipe culture, people don’t care.. people care about their body count, their own self sense of validation in the world.

To Ghost or To be Ghosted

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

The dreaded word, the word that takes us from feeling incredible, to a piece of shit! Questioning, are we worthy? Are we not likeable, do they not fancy us? Lets face it its fucking horrible.

However that’s from one side of the fence, what about the people we have ghosted, see we never think about that, do we! However I recently had a big wake up call on this. A lovely lovely guy I had started chatting to was great, handsome, I mean this guy would have been a hottie on Love Island, and he clearly liked me, lived in my area and we crossed paths, and matched on a dating app to, however I couldn’t ignore the fact he was 8 years younger than me, he had kids, so there was maturity there, but still, the age gap got to me, and after a few weeks talking, I did, I’m afraid to admit, go quiet on him. After a few days, I received a really long message about how rude I was, and how disappointed he was, and I couldn’t help but respect his message, even if it was hard hitting. It was a message I had typed out a few times to people, but never had the guts to send..

The emotional pain, caused by ghosting, can be a lot more traumatic, that what it seems on the surface. Think about this girls, the intensity of the last chat, the excitement, or even the last date with that person, to then have nothing, its like raising our dopamine (or theirs) to the highest peak and then crashing it to zero.. life feeling so perfect, then nothing. Every text they send/ you send, raises a smile, makes our heart skip a beat, then suddenly nothing, and the best thing about all of this is, its not always the person, at the other end of the phone that we are addicted to, its the hit their contact gives us, we are/ or they are, addicts, addicted to that smile, that excitement of receiving your text, so when the contact stops, cold turkey sets in.

As time passes, the overthinking kicks in, what did we do wrong? are we god enough? what did I say? They may change their hinge image, their profile picture, so you know they aren’t dead, and they haven’t blocked you, so why aren’t they replying! However remember its in this moment, you should realise, it’s not the person you are missing, it’s the attention and the good feel, you’re missing, not them.

A survey of 5,000 people conducted by Forbes Health found that 76 percent of participants had either ghosted the other person or had been ghosted themselves when dating. WOW! It’s a surprise anyone is even talking hey!

With ghosting, the not knowing can be more overwhelming and upsetting, than the actual knowing, because as human beings we naturally ponder on our thoughts, and however optimistic, our default is set to negative it seems, our minds want to know more, and this drives overthinking, which leads to a deep anxiety, which can worsen our already disheartened symptoms. Sat there trying to piece together the jigsaw, and wonder what the missing piece is.

Ghosting can also lead us to feel rejected, and that can open the pandoras box of past trauma, a time when we failed, a time when we were dumped, a time someone in our life, simply didn’t want us, this person who has spent 5 minutes in our world, can open up the most traumatic memories, by simply choosing to ignore us, and again, we can do the same to others by rejecting them.

Ghosting can also almost feel like we are also confirming our inner doubts on ourselves. We all, and it doesn’t matter how confident we are, sit there and think at times, am I good enough, so when we face being ghosted, sometimes for individuals, this can almost act a reconfirmation for what they may be thinking, so we can truly amplify someones inner self doubt, and make them feel not good enough. It may also lead people to doubt that they can truly judge people, was it all fake, have they been duped, are they stupid? How did they not read the room? How could they fall for that person? How could they have not seen it coming? So not only does the gravity of not feeling aesthetically good enough feel, the feeling of stupidity and naivety can actually make us feel even worse.

Nobody likes the thought of rejection, let alone social rejection with someone we do not even know, our brains feel the physical pain, like a real break up with a long love, it associates, and like I stated, opens a pandoras box of emotions.

People ghost for various reasons, we only have to look at how and why we ghosted, to find the answers. Someone can be so attracted to you, but simply not be ready for a relationship. I guess with me, I don’t even know if I am ready for a relationship, so it gets so far, and yes I go quiet, if I feel their is pressure then I go quiet, but I know that’s my issue, and I know that sooner or later there will be an energy match there with someone, that I won’t want to disappear on. Sometimes it could simply be, that the person has luckily found their energy match elsewhere, and sometimes it could just be they’re a fucking player.. it is what it is..

Following my recent lesson, and hmm, telling off, I realised, Yes I’m a kind person, so however hard it may be to write the words of rejection, that good person deserves to know I am not interested, because it will give them an acceptance, and not leave them lost in their thoughts, so deep down, lets be kind, lets say it black and white, because words can be kinder than ghosting…

What are you looking for, looks or personality?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

I mean do we know the answer to this? One day it can all seem so clear, we know exactly, and then the next, it’s like hmmmm!!

Even in my sexual prime, I’m at a stand still thinking, I cannot be arsed with this! Ok, lets correct that., I can be arsed with sex, Jesus, however its what comes after that! I struggle to go from APP to text and then the impossible seems to be meet! The need for touch is very real, but the need for stress is not so real.

You get me?

Ok so, we all have a type, yes? I’m rather specific, perhaps too specific, oh maybe who am I kidding, they’re all bloody clones of each other. Although recent guy, lovely person, a Barrister from Manchester, great chat, and totally admired the field he practised in, however in the words of my best friend ‘I think he gives you the ick’ , I mean I’m not 100% sure on that, but he was very different looking than my normal type, but I think she meant in the chat, as he seemed to agree with me, and if I said black was my fave colour, there is a high probability he would of said the same, something just did not feel right in our chats, and maybe because my heart is elsewhere, however it did make me think, what am I actually looking for? How do we strike the balance, between kind and genuine, but not too soft!

I mean who we think we want in our heads, do not always match up to who our hearts and sexual beings desire. We have this image in our heads, 6ft 2, dark thick hair, good arms and athletic shape, and nice eyes and lips, (ok I told you I was specific and probably describing the man I’m infatuated with there, (well no probably, I am), however, why do I find myself sexually drawn to those who aren’t my type, and girls we have all been there, plain old Joe blogs, giving us the flutters! We deny it and think ‘WTF’ but isn’t chemistry a strange thing.

We all want that mate, who is easy live with, stress free and looks good, but I don’t know if you’re like me, I have had that, and the first few years are fabulous, but statistics have shown, those stress free relationships we have all craved, when we get them, actually lead to the biggest infidelities of all. Its getting the cocktail just right isn’t it, having a bit of that, but also needing that obsession with them to, we can love and like, and have great sex, but do they drive us wild? Are they a fantasy and someone who would probably test us and change our world a little, yes we may be in the safety of Mr or Miss nice, cosy nights in and cuddles on the couch, and good sex, but what if we went for wild sex, someone out the box, someone who drives us wild. Have you ever met someone, and even though you’re friends, every time you stop and talk to them, your head is saying ‘Kiss him’ – Yes he may be married off, but the intensity of wanting him, can be crazy, so much so you have to force yourself to not think him and ban him from your head, now that us the shit that will get me settled down!

Take the show ‘Love is blind’ – the concept of this show, is strangers talking for hours on end through a wall, and over 3 weeks of fall in love with the person that they have never even lay eyes on, I mean this is tough, they cannot even describe their physical attributes, its an experiment based on getting to know someone for who they are, and OMG I have been here, I was surprised at the time, but I had a head start, I had matched this person, and our kiss after our first date has been something else, but the relationship (ok situationship) developed through hours and hours of texts and talk, to the point I was shocked at what feelings I had, I had fallen in love, so when the ‘Its not you its me’ chat came from him, it actually effected me like a real break up, I lost weight and I never wanted to chat to a guy again, and this was just one date, but calls and texts every day for months, so the concept of ‘Love is blind’ actually is so amazing, because again this guy was good looking, but line him up against previous exes and he was a good 7, but not the type you’d be like WOW, and I think this guy had a fondness for me, but he settled elsewhere, and whilst part of me is probably still a little in love, we have to move on, and I did and have, but Guess in life there will be these people that we are drawn to and they may not be the normal type we go for, but what if something had of developed?

Sexual attraction is a desire to become sexually involved with someone. While it often occurs alongside romantic attraction, they are not the same. Sexual chemistry can happen without a romantic attraction, and this can be a real problem, because the evolution of dating apps, draws us to who we are sexually attracted to, without knowing the person, (do we ever read the BS in bios) , and sometimes as much as we can be, wow he’s fit, once we get chatting, we can tell pretty quickly if there is going to be longevity in the conversation, and once we realise there is no romantic long term spark there, we move on very quickly.

I guess we just have to choose wisely and hope one day we strike a balance, and we will know, because when we find our true life mate, it won’t be because its easy, because its relaxed and no drama, it will be when sex with anyone else will never enter our minds, and we aren’t doing our best like a dog with a bone, to bury the thought of someone else.. because however much we try, we cannot live a life banning someone from our thoughts… so don’t move in till that mind is free… and also never just settle, for what we think our minds want and need, lets listen to our bodies to.. it all has to connect!

Reaching out to our higher sexual being..

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

How do we look within, and begin to understand our bodies, and what sex means to them.

For most people, sex is about attraction, lust, stimulation and pleasure, but what is we can have all that and more, what if we can have more, enjoy more, and go beyond the realms of what is the norm.

How can we harness our energy flows, to become better lovers, for ourselves and for our partner, how can we go beyond orgasm, to orgasms that blow both our own mind and our partners. The way we determine sex, is very black and white, we like, we fancy, we fuck, we enjoy, our primal instinct desires pleasure and we deliver it to ourselves, and it seems to please the other person to, great, job done!!! Really? The fact is most people on this planet actually consider theirselves a good lover, but demonstrations in their being and how they treat others, determines the egotistical ones from the genuine.

If you think about it, everything in nature has a sexual energy, from pollination, to animals, to humans, everything has a sex drive, effectively it’s what makes the world go round. So when your tinder date tells you, they have a high sex drive, well sorry mate so does 99% of the world, sex is at the centre of life, everything we look at around us, has been driven by desire.

What is sex? What does sex mean to you, let’s take a moment to think, what are the words that come to mind when you think about sex? Think of 5 words that spring to mind when we think about sex – just sit for 30 seconds now, and what words and thoughts come into your head?

How do you see sex? Is t something you can live without, something you cannot live without? How do you see your relationship with sex? Have you ever sat down and thought about your sexual being, and what sex truly means to you? If you have never sat down and reflected on past sex, why not? It’s thinking like this, that builds our knowledge and understanding of sex and love.

Choose several past lovers, and write down, what they meant to you, the best sex with them, and the worst sex with them? Why was it good, why was it bad? Why are they not still lovers? Where did they go? We seem to simply close the book and move onto the next, with the term ‘its not you its me’ , installed into our brains, we could of been better at stacking the dishwasher, we could of been less argumentative, but do we ever look to those relationships and think ‘We could of been better lovers’ … NO we don’t because we all think we are fucking great in bed! We cannot even bruise our own ego’s by thinking anything less.. why can we put ourselves down and address issues, in every other aspect, but addressing our own love making, NOPE we can’t do that, women perhaps some of us, but hey can you imagine a guy sat there, thinking, ‘Oh if only I had been less selfish” ‘Oh if only I had been more open minded’ , Guys do not think like this, they possess a level of ego in this department, that blocks out any negative thinking , that can question (in their eyes) their masculinity.

So how do we become better lovers?

We need to tune ourselves into directing our sexual energy to achieve our sexual goals, to be able to experience that higher, intense level of sexual consciousness, we need to understand ourselves and others more.

As a writer who takes time to ground, chakra cleanse and deeply connect with myself, I have began to seek learning and development in the art of sex and personal development, because whilst I know my own abilities, I feel I’m a bad judge of person when it comes to connecting to others, I feel personally for me, I buy into a fantasy more, and as that persons true colours emerge later on down the line, I start to find them ugly, and see beyond their flirt or sexual chat, and I feel of late, I have saved myself from one or two people, where in the initial instance I thought wow, the sexual flow and energy together is a positive charge, but as immaturity, disregard to other humans, and selfishness has become apparent, I find myself thinking thank fuck, I was never physically intimate, because we would of ‘fucked’ mauybe had a cuddle, but my body wouldn’t have reached that soul connection, so whilst it may have been a 7/8 (prob thanks to me) , i’m craving an 11, and this is why seeking celibacy and time on my own for development and self admiration is key. We spend so many years in relationships, where we just do not have the key time to give to ourselves, and MY GOD is the year 40 for me a time to do that!

Have you heard of sexual transmutation ? Changing our sexual being, and developing its form, taking that raw dense sexual energy taking it from chaos to a higher level.

Sexual energy can control us, from setting imbalance, in our hormones, creating irresponsible behaviours, disease, sexual dysfunction and chaotic emotions, sex can harm us, we look after our physical and mental beings, but how often have we thought about looking after our sexual beings? It needs to be nurtured to.

Transforming our sexual energy, can change our lives, from a deep moral understanding, to how we love ourselves and others around us, to simply having order in our own lives.

Benefits to aligning our sexual energy, can encourage drive, determination, physical energy, confidence, mental clarity, focus, self awareness, spirituality, provide ability to manifest and generally improve our overall lives. It is so key to point out, that this does not mean go out and sleep with someone, but more so sleep with yourself for a while. Only you know you, take time out from giving yourself to others, and have a relationship with yourself.

Recently I realised that my bad judge of character with sexual partners or lovers, was much more deep rooted that I thought it could be, Even now I look and think, wow how wrong was I, on judging that character, but that is what sexual desire and fantasy can do to us, lead us down negative paths, to people who simply take to pleasure their own boredom and fantasy, and it was this summer that made me realise, because I see the good in people, it is actually quite damaging and detrimental to my own being, i’m damaging my own self, in the quest of trying to please others, and win over the wrong people who don’t actually give a flying toots about me and my world, and trust me, the world is full of those, so I set off on a quest to help me strengthen my mind, my desires and my body. My mind set always will try and see ‘Glass half full’ however being realistic and protecting oneself, is not about negative mindset , there is nothing wrong with valuing yourself to protect.

For thousands of years different cultures have recognised sexual transformation and the importance of sex, and whilst sex through the ages transitioned itself to be condemned in some cultures, in others it transformed into a higher level. if we look at Tantric, Taoist and Kabbalah, yogic philosophy, seeing our sexual energy as dormant until we align and awaken with specific practices.

Take Carl Jung theory on Sexual alchemy and Freuds focus of sexual sublimination, how can we transform this raw energy and transcend it into something deeper with meaning and creativity, how do we enhance and develop it deeper.

It is a proven fact, those with a higher level of creative energy and skill, are better lovers, and whilst there is nothing wrong in enjoying regular sex , there is so much more than can be, than simply ‘Getting off with an orgasm’ , what if you can achieve more? Sexual transformation, is releasing energy and receiving pleasure in more ways than just being naked with some hot guy on top of you, its about how we connect to everything around us. Think about it after sex, we feel calm, at one, satisfied (most of the time), and we have temporarily given ourselves that ‘fix’ , but soon enough the hunger is back again, and again it needs feeding, our inner beast, never fully satisfied, so how can we channel that energy to reach that high level of pleasure in all we do,

Sexual abstinence and sexual expression, can lead you to incredible level of the most powerful transformations. Think about an orgasm, think of the energy created in that moment, a free-mind moment, where you don’t think, you are liberated, so how can we increase that feeling of oneness, imaging caging that power and energy for a short time, and learning what to do with that energy, that can build more intensity.

When driven by desire, we develop imagination, courage and tenacity, we want, we crave, we desire.. but when we achieve, for a negative, selfish lover its done then, the attraction is over, and they fulfilled their goal, you were nothing more than a means to an end goal, and that feeling can crush you, there is nothing worse in this world, than feeling that exploited and used. Even if we judge ourselves as good people, our sexual energy can cause us to hurt others, deeply, and we do not realise we do it, because for us our sexual energy is at the centre of our universe, getting ourselves off, overides our regard for how we treat others, and each of us are so capable of truly hurting others just to feed our own desires.

Sexual transformation isn’t about running away or overcoming your desire for sexual gratifcation, it is about transforming all that energy to take you to a higher state of understanding and development, it’s not about detaching yourself from sex, and going against nature, orgasm and pleasure is why we have g-spots and ca feel pleasure, they are something that are meant to be, so we don’t have to deny ourselves our birth right.

Its is important to look at how we feel and what we feel, lets not just label it off as ‘sexual energy’ what do we feel is sexual energy? How does it make us feel? How can we observe and begin to feel stimulation without physical touch? When we think of sex, what led us to think of it? Observe the path, observe what led us there.

Let’s try and go without sex for a week or two, lets think about the negative and positive emotions that manifest over that period, some of us will flourish, some of us will struggle, it will give you clarity on whether abstinence or expression is right for you.

Let’s try and visualise, let’s use our minds to take ourselves higher, without touch or physical sex. Think about your drive in life, what are you working to achieve, now as you engage in sex and are about to reach that point of orgasm, visualise that goal, that dream, ans the image you are creating in your head can give a profound more higher-ful energy flow, and whilst, we do not want to be dismissive to our partners, it would be in itself, simply like an orgasm we have anyway, when in that moment of climax do we think of anyone but ourselves? So please do not feel any guilt with visualisation.

Let’s try and focus on reaching that tantric edge, the point to which you are so close to orgasm, but edging and taking it back, the on off flow, of keep building to that higher level over and over again.

Another way, something I truly enjoy, is regulating and focusing on breath-work, breathing slowly, and connecting with your sexual energy, feeling it build inside, as you breathe out, take that energy with you, let it rise and fall, bringing balance and helping you brim on the edge, encouraging that energy to ride up and down your spine, move and ride with it, in motion, as you breathe and connect to your partner, feel their energy connect with your spine, your genitals, engaging in breath work together, locking eye contact and close body contact, is key in developing your sexual relationship with each other and on your own.

Not everyone is able to connect or wants to connect with their chakra, but by learning to ground and working towards cleansing your Chakras, this can work to align and channel your sexual energy through your body.

The ways to develop your sexual relationship with yourself and others, is a lot deeper than what people think, people dismiss sex and its enormity and see it as a means to an end, people fail to see just how sexual energy controls us, how it can take over our lives, the lack of acknowledgement is what can ultimately make us selfish lovers, people, an d without understanding our own sexual beings and needs, how can we expect others to.

Take time to reconnect with yourselves, and learn to self love and appreciate, understand how directing those strong sexual desires and learning how to channel, can develop who we are, and how we treat others.. it takes more than stamina to truly be a good lover, lets look after our mind, body and soul…