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Why Studying Relationships, Love and Sex -Changed My Dating Life

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Why I date different Now: Time, Boundaries and emotional capacity.

As I study to become a therapist – particularly in love, attachment, sexual development, and relationships, something unexpected has happened.

The more I understand relationships, the more intentional I’ve become about the ones I allow into my life.

That doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith in love.

It means I’ve gained clarity.

What Being a Gentleman Really Means

There’s a difference between manners and character. Small gestures matter, of course, but real emotional maturity goes deeper than surface charm. Consistency, integrity, and follow-through are what sustain connection over time.

Connection isn’t something you perform for a few weeks. It’s something you live, especially when things slow down, become familiar, or require effort.

Boundaries Are Not Barriers

People often assume that because I set boundaries clearly, I must be “hard work.”

But boundaries aren’t walls, they’re guidelines for respect.

If someone wants my mind, my connection, my body, and my energy, that should be mutual. I believe both people should earn each other, at the same pace, with the same intention.

My Love Language Is Time

One thing I’ve come to understand about myself is that my love language is time.

Not grand gestures. Not constant texting. BUT Presence.

Time is the clearest signal of intention. When someone makes time for you, they’re showing that they’re open, emotionally and practically, to building something. They’re showing availability, not just interest.

And equally important: not everyone can make time.

That doesn’t make someone wrong, unavailable, or unkind. Sometimes people are aligned with you in many ways, but they simply don’t have the capacity for a relationship, logistically, emotionally, or both. The age I’m at now, men and women are in their ‘Selfish’ phase recapturing the years as a parent or wrong relationship, so letting someone else in, doesn’t often work, until they’ve really healed. I spot it a mile off, and it makes me back off, because I will test the waters with availability, and I get a feeling very fast. However like I always say it is what it is, and one mans loss is another mans gain.. (I fucking hope so anyway)

And that has to be okay… I think?

Capacity Matters — On Both Sides

I often question whether I have the capacity for a relationship myself. Between my work, my studies, and the life I’ve built, I’ve had to ask that honestly.

This summer felt like a quiet test. What I noticed is that when someone genuinely captures my heart, I do make time. I create space. I shift priorities. There is with me a pull towards want, I may not need, but I would say ‘Like’ a relationship, and yes that key evidence is time..

That’s how I know time matters to me — because I offer it when it’s real.

What I don’t yet know is whether I’ve captured someone else’s heart in the same way. Post Covid dating, is a mile away from dating 10 years ago, and it’s literally horrific!

Intention Over Attention

I’m not interested in connection without direction.. I mean what is the point in one night stands, no thank you, I deserve better!

I don’t want endless messaging with no plan, or conversations that drift without purpose. I value intention, presence, and someone who wants to see me, and shows that through action. I value a man who is confident in dating women his own age, and not dating women 10 years younger just to find validation. Connection is so important.

There’s something deeply reassuring about someone who says, “I want to spend time with you,” and then follows through.

I’m Not a Text Pen Pal

What I have noticed lately is men wanting to access without intention.

They chat, They disappear, They return, they mirror your interests, They force connection. All desperation – not desire.

I don’t want nor need

  • A text pen pal
  • Endless FaceTimes to pass someones lonely nights
  • Swiping apps
  • Emotional ambiguity

I want leadership. I’m a traditional – Not in a submission, but in polarity. I’m not trying to be ‘one of the boys’. I’m very much in my feminine power, and I want a man who meets me in his masculine – Naturally, not performatively.

Consistency Is the Foundation

Consistency is the bare minimum. Inconsistency is just a flag for me (pink or red situation dependent) Inconsistency doesn’t make someone a bad person , it simply reveals misalignment.

I don’t need validation. I’m confident in who I am and the life I’ve created. What I look for is consistency, curiosity, and emotional availability, someone who shows up, communicates clearly, and understands that connection requires time, not just words.

My life, my look can intimidate men, but then I look at the exes I have remained friends with, and they know the real me, the soft, nurturing wife, mummy, friend. So I know those I intimidate.. aren’t right for me, I saw that this summer, he chipped away at everything he fell in love with it.. because as you will recall what was said ‘Kerry Men are 51% and women will always be 49%.

Alone Isn’t the Same as Lonely

I’m not afraid of being single. I value my independence and my peace. What I’m mindful of is choosing wisely. The fear isn’t weakness – It’s wisdom! 42 Years of Kerry wisdom perfected. My own self awareness so awake, that there is a completeness to knowing exactly what I want, but also what I deserve.

The right connection won’t require me to wonder where I stand. It will feel reciprocal, steady, and considered.

This isn’t just about me though, it’s about everyone.

Don’t settle, AIM HIGH!

No I don’t mean in the sense of constantly chasing ‘something better’ but in recognising real alignment when it happens, when it appears, and CHERISH IT!

When someone truly sees you, chooses you and shows up, that’s rare and that’s special – Hold onto that!

So Where Am I Now?

Right now, I’m here — grounded, open, and discerning.

As you mature, things change, the boat gets rocked, one day you wake up, and the boyfriend type who used to fit in with your friends and social circle, seems somewhat distant, the conforming boyfriends, seems a million miles away from where you want to be. Yes my 20’s and 30’s the looks, the social circle and friendship circles mattered, but as you mature, you start to realise, what seemed like perfect alignments, change.. and wow the last 2 years, I’ve felt the shift in me.

I believe there is someone out there who understands that time is love. Someone who has the capacity to show up, to plan, to be present and maybe not perfectly, but intentionally. Yes I closed the door on potentials very quickly, because I’m high value, and I don’t need ‘maybe’ in my life. You’re in or out.. let’s not work with blurred or grey lines.

And if that person hasn’t found me yet, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist..

It just means the story isn’t finished… and these mishaps (ahem Mistakes ssssh) that I keep having, are just part of my own journey… so I’m returning back to my morning coffee and all I can say is….

TO BE CONTINUED….

Why Dating Feels Hard in 2025: Romance, Apps & Real Connection

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Modern dating feels harder than ever. From dating apps to emotional disconnect, here’s why relationships feel complicated in 2025 , and why real romance isn’t dead.

How Do We Meet People These Days , and Can We Still Find Something Real?

There was a time when meeting someone happened almost by accident. You’d bump into someone in the supermarket, catch a stranger’s eye in a coffee shop, (we all know this happens to me all the time lol) or be introduced through a friend, and romance seemed to unfold naturally. Our grandparents didn’t have dating apps, social media or an endless stream of profiles. If they found someone attractive, they simply had to talk to them or the moment would pass forever and sometimes I do wonder whether that made them braver. Not necessarily more confident, just more present in real life because they didn’t have another option.

These days, even if you see someone across a cafe whom you’re drawn to, you probably look away, second-guess yourself, or assume they’re unavailable. I’m the girl on a night out, who gets called ‘stuck up’ because I wear an engagement ring, when I’m single, and refuses to talk to anyone, and so be it, if people want to knock me for that, but I have this deep rooted personal issue, of not wanting to give people the wrong idea, and then when someone is attractive I’m too bloody shy to chat anyway, so apps have been for me the only way to truly meet someone.

Modern dating culture has conditioned us to believe that real-life connection is unusual, almost surprising, when not so long ago it was the most natural way people met. It’s not that our confidence has disappeared; it’s that the world around us has changed. Our social circles have become smaller, our work-life routines more insular, and the unspoken rule now is that if you’re single, you should be on a dating app.

In 2025, dating apps have become the dominant way to meet people. You match, chat, hope, and repeat. And while dating apps open doors, they also create complications. There’s choice overload, emotional burnout, lack of effort, and this strange feeling that everything has become disposable. Even though a large percentage of newly married couples meet online now, and around a third of adults have used apps, not all of them feel that deeper sense of connection or relationship satisfaction. In fact, some research suggests that couples who meet offline tend to feel more stable and more connected long term. So while apps give us access to more people, they don’t necessarily make it easier to find something meaningful.

What feels hardest in modern dating is how quickly things shift when two people start to genuinely like each other. You can meet someone amazing, feel a spark, be open and honest about how you feel, and suddenly the other person goes cold. It’s a pattern so many of us recognise now, and it hurts. Honesty, which should bring people closer, often seems to push one person away, And in 2025, people are terrified of being seen as “too keen,” “love bombing,” or “moving too fast,” so they hold their feelings back and hope the other person will magically intuit how they feel, and it all falls to shit! Sorry to be blunt but it does, ‘He’s not into me’ is what I think, and then as soon as I call it off, he’s like, ‘I really like you’ – TOO Late, i’ve checked out!

There are psychological and biological layers to this. When we meet someone who excites us, our bodies release dopamine and adrenaline the “new attraction” chemicals. It feels intense, addictive, hopeful. But after a few weeks, those chemicals naturally settle. If the connection doesn’t develop into deeper bonding — the oxytocin stage — the initial rush fades. Many women tend to become more emotionally invested during that bonding period, while some men may start feeling pressure, uncertainty or emotional withdrawal. It isn’t universal, but it helps explain why one person leans in while the other pulls back, and even the emotionally stable, can still be like this, I have seen men and women so incredibly self aware, not understand the biology of this period.

Then there’s the lifestyle side of modern dating. So many people say they want a relationship, yet their behaviour shows something different. They want the companionship, but not the compromise. They want closeness, but not change. We’ve normalised this idea of “this is my life — if you want me, you fit into it,” making relationships feel like something that must not disrupt personal freedom. The result? Many people like the idea of love far more than they like the reality of having to make space for it. Everyone these days is like “I love my own space”, “I enjoy my own company” – Great, good for you, but are you realising a real relationship that won’t fail = Adaptations, effort and change!

This is especially painful when you’re a giver. I know this personally. I’m a selfless person by nature — I care, I give, I show up for others emotionally and physically and because of that, people often take me for granted. I’ve experienced it in dating, friendships and even family. People get used to you being the one who understands, who adjusts, who nurtures, who comforts, who puts in the extra effort and they begin to rely on it without ever matching it. Takers are often drawn to givers because givers make their lives easier and givers, hoping for reciprocity, often hold on longer than they should. It’s a hard, painful imbalance that has become more visible in today’s dating world. I mean we are not going back to the Giraffe and Lion story, you don’t have to be a narcissist to feed off others…

It also ties into something else: fear of losing freedom. Modern dating has created a culture where people want emotional security without sacrificing independence. They want someone, but they don’t want to change anything about their life to accommodate that someone. They want connection, but not commitment that requires effort, and unless two people are equally ready to show up emotionally and practically, dating becomes an exhausting game of mismatched expectations.

But even with all of this, the apps, the fear, the disposability, the emotional imbalance, I do still believe romance exists. Not in a grand, cinematic way, but in the quiet, steady ways two people show up for each other. There are people who want to go above and beyond emotionally. People who want to care deeply, build a partnership, prioritise each other, and make their partner feel chosen and valued. These people are absolutely out there, even if they get overshadowed by the noise of modern dating apps, they could very well sat on dating apps, and they could be sat there with an inbox full, but waiting for someone like you, to show up!

The truth is, being on your own isn’t a failure. If anything, it’s where your strength grows. Being single gives you space to understand who you are, what you want, what you deserve, and what your boundaries are. Your independence becomes an asset, not a barrier. When you stand strong in yourself, you choose better. You stop tolerating less than you deserve. You recognise taking behaviour sooner. And you attract people who value your strength instead of draining it. You need to look in the mirror and love who looks back a you, love that person, and realise they need nurturing above anyone and all else. I make this a priority of mine, I look in the mirror or I take a selfie, and tell myself, Kerry you are worth more.. so do the same and never stop.

So yes, dating apps might be the main way to meet someone in 2025, and spontaneous real-life encounters might be rarer, however that doesn’t mean real love has disappeared. It means we approach dating with more awareness, more intention, and more self-worth. It means we stay open, but grounded. Hopeful, but realistic and it means we believe that the right person, whether found on an app, in a coffee shop, or through a friend, will match our effort, not take advantage of it. They will make space for us, not ask us to shrink. They will honour our giving nature, not drain it.

Romance is still alive. Good people do still exist. And no matter how complicated modern dating becomes, it’s always worth giving someone a chance when they show you they’re ready to show up too.

If we don’t keep taking chances , how will we ever know…

Why it feels like there is a shadow hanging over being a woman – Why are we treated like second class citizens.

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

A raw, honest exploration of why women around the world are still objectified, mistreated, silenced, and left to pick up the pieces. This blog post uncovers the social, psychological, and emotional forces behind entitlement, abuse, and violence. It offers a path toward healing, dignity and empowerment.

There’s a truth many of us carry, often silently, from early on, our bodies, our boundaries, our heartbreaks, and our dignity are under threat. Somewhere in how society functions we are taught ( or shown) that women are less than, or at risk of being treated as “available”, “used”, “taken from”. Why does this happen, why does it persist, and what does it leave in us? I was told this year by someone I was in a relationship with ‘No Kerry, Men will always be 51% and some 49%’ , Needless to say the relationship never worked out, but why in 2025 do we still face these issues!

From a young age many girls sense they are being looked at as a body, as something to be gazed upon, evaluated. Being beautiful becomes one of the strongest currencies. This isn’t just about one person’s fantasy, it’s built into social norms, media, family roles, expectations.

When women are objectified, their full humanity is diminished, they become “things to be consumed”, not equal human beings with agency. In many societies women are still paid less, expected to do more unpaid care, to fit into roles that sideline them.

Objectification and “second-class” status are deeply entwined, if you’re not free to say “no”, if your voice isn’t listened to, if your body is seen as someone else’s territory — then you’re treated as less than.

Why some men act as though they can “take” from women

There are many layers here. One is cultural: in many places men are raised with entitlement, that their desires matter more, that women exist in part to serve those desires, you only have to spend 5 minutes reading the ‘Are we dating the same guy’ groups, to see, that your situation, my situation is not just a one off! Another is psychological: research shows that among men who commit rape and assault, violent dominance, lack of empathy, peer culture and misogynistic beliefs all play a role. For example:

  • Studies of rapists who are in prison, found some view rape as “having sex without the person’s will … the one being raped doesn’t enjoy its pleasure, it’s the rapist that enjoy the pleasure.”  
  • The concept of “rape culture” captures how: victim-blaming, sexual objectification, trivialisation of assault, denial of harm, become socially normalised. 
    Society gives some men the message: your masculinity is proven by conquest, by insensitivity, by ignoring “no”. When these ideas dominate, then touching, luring, assaulting!! Some men see it not as the violation it is, but as “just what I do”.
    Another piece is power: in many sexual assaults, the issue is control, not sex. The assault is a way to dominate, humiliate, silence. That dynamic sits under many of the statistics and stories we hear.

I mean what world do we live in, but we can’t bury our heads girls… we can’t! This is factual and sadly so so close to home for so many of us!

What the numbers tell us

Some crucial, devastating statistics to ground the pain:

  • Globally, nearly 1 in 3 women have been subjected to physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime (by a partner or non-partner).  
  • In 2023, around 51,100 women and girls worldwide were killed by intimate partners or other family members.  
  • Violence isn’t just “out there”, these are mothers, daughters, friends, women we know or might know.
    These numbers are not remote. They show how the structures around us allow, and often fail to stop, the repeated violation of women’s rights, safety, dignity.

What this does to a woman—emotionally, mentally

It fucks us up for life… Fact!! Let’s not sugar coat this!!! To feel used, to feel like someone else decided your body’s value, your heart’s value, it hurts deeply. It can lead to:

  • Shame and self-doubt (“Why did I stay? Why did I go back? What’s wrong with me?”)
  • Emotional exhaustion: being “always on guard”, managing others’ needs, protecting yourself.
  • Loss of trust: in men, in relationships, sometimes in your own judgement.
  • Anger, grief, sometimes numbness. You might carry the belief you owe something, even when you don’t and that belief itself is born of the messages you’ve internalised.
  • Loneliness: because the society around you may minimise your pain, blame you, dismiss you.
    When a man comes and uses a woman, emotionally, physically, sexually and leaves without apology or regard, the hurt is real. It’s a violation of more than the body: it’s a violation of dignity, our self worth and our love for ourselves!! Men will never ever understand just how hard us women work just to gain that slight bit of self love, and they think nothing of taking it for their own selfish gain!!

Why women sometimes continue to stay with partners…

You asked: “Why as women do we feel we owe men something? Why do we go on in relationships or have consensual sex when the dynamic is bad?” It happens and wow, more than we dare to even think. A few psychological/social threads:

  • Social conditioning: From a young age many women are taught to please, to care, to nurture. The idea of “relationship” often comes with the unspoken cost: your needs are secondary.
  • Hope and love: You may see the potential in someone. You hope the person will change. You invest emotionally. That doesn’t make you foolish, it makes you human.
  • Fear of loss: The sense of “better the bad I know than the unknown” can hold you in place. The belief “maybe this is what I deserve” comes from internalised shame.
  • Power imbalance: If someone has made you feel low, if they’ve conditioned you to believe you’re unworthy, then leaving them or saying “No more” can feel impossible.
  • Trauma bond: After violation, there can be a confusing attachment, especially if kindness or apologies occasionally surface, or if you’ve internalised blame.
    None of this is easy to untangle. The fault lies not in you having feelings or wanting love. The fault lies in the system and in the person who treated you as less.

Why does this persist? Why do men think this behaviour is acceptable?

It’s not “just one reason”, it’s a mix of culture, power, upbringing, individual psychology, structural inequality. Some contributing factors:

  • Patriarchal norms: Societies where men hold economic, political, sexual dominance make it easier for entitlement and abuse to flourish.
  • Gender stereotypes: “Real men” don’t cry, they dominate; “good women” are submissive. These expectations crush humanity.
  • Normalisation of violence: In some contexts assault becomes hidden, ignored, written off. Victims are blamed. Rapists are not held fully accountable.
  • Lack of empathy: Some men (and people) may never truly perceive another’s “no” as valid, or believe their own desire must be fulfilled regardless. Research among rapists showed a mindset of “it’s his pleasure; she didn’t matter”.  
  • Peer dynamics: Some men act for social status, to impress friends, under the idea “boys will be boys”. Rape culture theories emphasise how society tolerates or downplays sexual violence.  
  • Institutional failure: When the justice system, the police, the culture protect abusers or minimise the victim’s voice.. behaviour doesn’t get curbed.
    In short: because the system and culture allow it. And until those change, the behaviour persists.

The implications for us women

When these dynamics are allowed to run rampant, the effects ripple:

  • Self-worth diminishes: Constantly being looked at as someone else’s “use” diminishes the idea you are whole and complete in yourself.
  • Emotional trauma: Assault, objectification, betrayal, abandonment, they can cause PTSD, depression, anxiety, trust issues.
  • Social and economic consequences: Women who survive violence may struggle with employment, health, relationships, support.
  • Generational trauma: The patterns get passed down. If a girl sees a mother being treated roughly, or internalises the idea that a woman must accept less, change becomes harder.
  • Relationship choices: You may end up choosing less, settling, staying in harmful dynamics because the alternative seems scarier than the known hurt.
  • Intersectional suffering: If you are a woman of colour, LGBTQ+, disabled, migrant or from a marginalised group you can face even more layers of objectification, invisibility and abuse.
    These are not just “individual problems”. They are societal problems. When half (or more) of humanity is treated as less, we all lose.

This isn’t just one place, one culture, one story, it’s a sadness that circles around the world. Around the world women are killed, assaulted, silenced, shamed. The number of daily femicides, the prevalence of rape, the under-reporting of violence, these are global. The more I go down a rabbit hole, trying to understand, trying to understand a perpetrators mind, im saddened, sat here in disbelief, how men think they can do what they do…

The sadness is multilayered, grief for what was taken, anger at the perpetrators, frustration at the silence, shame for having believed you were at fault. The sadness for the world that this still happens, that women still have to fear, still have to defend, still have to pick up the pieces.

But let me bring in a different note, true hope…

You are not just a victim. You are not just the piece left behind. Though you’ve been wounded, you can heal. Though you’ve been treated as less, you are whole. You are and I to, a survivor, a strong independent being, reclaiming yourself.. I look in the mirror daily, and I’m like ‘Kerry, Shit happens, but you got this’.

Recognising the problem is the first step. Naming it: objectification, entitlement, violence, misogyny. Then: reclaiming boundaries, your voice, your story. Surrounding yourself with people who honour you, who love you, who you can trust. Undoing the internalised beliefs you were “less than”.

Change also happens collectively, when women speak, when men listen and change, when institutions refuse to protect abusers, when culture shifts to value consent, respect, equality.

It’s your right, not an ask, to be safe, to be respected, to have your body and heart treated with dignity. And the world must change so that isn’t a radical statement, but a foundational one.

Men all around the world, refuse to accept accountability for the word NO, they victim blame.. they think it’s their right to take… my answer is NO!!

NO Means NO

No means no.

Asleep means no.

Unconscious means no.

Not sure means no.

Silence means no.

Men must accept accountability for ignoring the word NO.

And women must stop carrying the shame that never belonged to us

If you’re feeling that you were used, overlooked, treated as disposable, you deserved so much more.

If you’re still in pain from a man who left without apology, who touched you without regard, who made you doubt yourself, your feelings are valid. The shame is not yours. It’s theirs!

If you stayed, or stayed trying, or believed again, know this: that doesn’t make you weak, just because you may have consented once, doesn’t mean the time you said NO, or couldn’t say no, any different. It makes you human. It makes you someone who hoped, someone who wanted to love. Someone who deserves peace.

You don’t owe him anything. You owe you. Your healing, your future, your freedom.

And though you may still feel lost, you are not alone. The sadness is there, yes, but so is the possibility of transformation. The possibility of reclaiming your story. The possibility of being seen, heard, valued.

For every woman who has ever been used, hurt, abandoned or silenced:

You are not broken.

You are not less.

You are not the aftermath of what he did.

You can reclaim yourself.

Your voice.

Your boundaries.

Your identity.

Your future.

Healing starts when you name the truth.

When you recognise you deserved more.

When you surround yourself with people who honour your heart.

Your safety and dignity are not privileges.

They are rights.

And the world must change to reflect that.

A Final Message to Any Woman Reading This

If someone used you and walked away, you deserved so much more.

If he hurt you and didn’t apologise, the shame is not yours — it’s his.

If you stayed, hoped, forgave, tried again, you were loving. Not weak.

Even if you once consented, that does not erase the times you said no or the times you couldn’t say it.

You don’t owe him anything.

You owe you.

Your healing.

Your peace.

Your future.

And even if you feel lost right now, you are not alone.

The sadness is real, but so is the possibility of transformation, the possibility of reclaiming your story.

Be you, feel you… Love Kerry x

Feel free to reach out to me for transformational coaching support… transformwithkerry@gmail.com

Can we ever Truly Walk Away from Someone We Really Love?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Can we ever truly walk away from someone we really love — someone we deeply love, someone we were in love with? Can we ever really close the door on that kind of love, I mean FUCK, Where do we even begin to make that decision!

We like to tell ourselves that time heals everything, that distance makes the heart forget, that we’ll eventually move on and meet someone else who fills the spaces they once did. But does that ever really happen when your soul still aches for someone you can’t have? How do we pretend we’re healed? How do we pretend that it’s okay to watch them love another — to see them laugh, to see them move on, to see them build a life without you — while your heart quietly shatters in the background?

Because we do pretend, don’t we? We pretend we’re okay. We smile when their name comes up. We say, “I’m happy for them,” when deep down, a small, quiet part of us whispers, “That should’ve been me.”

I’ve loved somebody for a long, long time. For many years. And the hardest part isn’t that I stopped loving them, it’s that I still do. It’s that I know I can’t be with them, even though my heart still wants to be. It’s that somewhere inside me, I know they love me too — maybe not in the way they used to, or maybe not in the way I wish they would, or maybe the love story in my head plays out in theirs — but whichever way the love is still there.

And yet, we still can’t be together.

That’s one of the saddest facts about love, isn’t it? That sometimes love isn’t enough. That you can meet someone who feels like home, who feels like your mirror, your heart, your peace, and still, for a thousand reasons, you can’t make it work.

We cross paths with people all our lives. People who teach us something, people who change us, people who awaken something in us that never existed before. But it’s rare — almost painfully rare — that we meet someone who feels like they were meant for us, and yet we can’t keep them.

Why is that? Why does timing always seem to work against love? Why does the universe bring two souls together only to cruelly frisking tear them apart?

Some say the universe has a plan. That if two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back to each other, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much changes. But what if that’s not true?

What if not all soulmates are meant to stay?

What if the universe sends us certain people not to keep, but to teach us — to show us what love could be, to open our hearts, to break down our walls, to awaken us to a deeper understanding of ourselves?

Maybe that’s why the timing never seems right. Maybe the universe isn’t cruel, maybe it’s precise. Maybe it knows that we need to grow, to evolve, to learn lessons we wouldn’t have if we’d stayed where we were.

But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Because love, real love, doesn’t just fade with logic or understanding. You can rationalise it all you want. You can tell yourself, “It wasn’t meant to be,” but your heart doesn’t care about reason. It only knows what it feels.

What is it about love that breaks us so deeply? What is it about love that makes us cling to every single word they ever said to us, every moment, every look, every memory?

It’s almost like the mind becomes a museum of everything they ever gave us, every text, every song, every smile, every promise. The sad bloody thing is, we revisit that museum over and over again, because it’s all we have left of them.

We cling to hope, don’t we? I know I do, I still keep the dream alive in my head, and I think that’s why when im rejected the pain cuts deep. Even when we know, deep down, there probably isn’t any. We hold on to the tiniest thread, a look, a message, a song that feels like a sign, we look for synchronicity and we convince ourselves that maybe, just maybe, there’s still a chance. For me I feel the universe has random play with my head, I can drive away and our song will play, or I will see their name on the side of a van etc, there are always signs.

But the truth is, love doesn’t always find its way back. Sometimes the chapter just ends, no matter how much we wish it didn’t. Sometimes the universe delivers too early, or too late. And that’s one of the most heartbreaking things about being human, to love someone with everything you have, and to know that timing, circumstance, or fate decided otherwise.

We live in a world obsessed with closure. We’re told that every story must have an ending, that healing means letting go completely, that moving on means you no longer care. But love doesn’t work like that. How much easier would life be, if there was always closure, Kerrys world would be a peaceful world for sure.

Sometimes the door doesn’t close neatly. Sometimes the person you loved becomes a ghost you carry quietly inside you. You learn to live with the ache, to smile through the longing, to accept that some loves don’t fade, they just change shape.

You learn to live in a world where they exist, but not with you and that takes strength, more strength than most people will ever realise.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning how to breathe again in a world that no longer holds what you once dreamed of. It means learning how to hold both the pain and the gratitude — the sadness of what never was, and the beauty of having loved that deeply at all.

Maybe love isn’t meant to make sense. Maybe it’s not about happy endings or perfect timing. Maybe it’s about connection, raw, real, and often inconvenient, I wished I could deliver you the answers, but no expert or guru in the world, will ever give you the answers you want to hear, and most often the answers already lie within. I really personally study myself and work on myself deeply, and I found in most relationships I have had, I’ve already know the answers.

And maybe the people we can’t have are the ones who shape us the most. They show us what love truly means, not just in romance, but in patience, in loss, in letting go with grace.

Because sometimes, the bravest kind of love is the one that continues quietly, without expectation, without return, without possession. The kind of love that says, “I’ll always care for you, even if I can’t have you, I just want you to be happy”, maybe real love is putting that other person first, before yourself.

And maybe that’s what it means to walk away, not to stop loving, but to love differently. To love from afar. To love silently. To love enough to let them go.

Love isn’t always fair. It isn’t always kind. But it’s real. It’s the most human thing we ever get to experience. And even when it breaks us, even when it leaves us with more questions than answers, it’s still worth it — because to have loved deeply, truly, vulnerably… that’s what makes life mean something.

So maybe we never truly walk away from someone we love. Maybe they just become part of us — forever woven into the story of who we are.

And maybe that’s okay… and I tell myself regularly, Kerry its okay to love and let go…

Transform with Kerry

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What My Role as a Coach Really Is

I get asked quite often what my job as a coach actually is. And truthfully, it’s not as simple as just helping people “feel better.”

Of course, I want my clients to feel safe, supported, and heard — that’s the foundation of any meaningful coaching relationship. But my role goes deeper than comfort. My job isn’t to validate misconceptions or help people stay in their comfort zone. My job is to help you get results — to move forward, to grow, and to become the version of yourself that’s waiting underneath all the doubt, fear, and old patterns.

Coaching isn’t always comfortable. Growth never is. But it’s always worth it.

A Safe Space — But Not a Soft One

When you work with me, I want you to know that you’ll always have a safe space. A space where you can be honest, raw, and real without judgment. But being “safe” doesn’t mean being “comfortable.”

I’m not here to sugar-coat the truth or tell you what you want to hear. I’m here to help you see things clearly — especially the things you’ve been avoiding. Sometimes that means tough conversations. Sometimes it means gentle reminders of your own strength. I consider myself after all my life experiences, to be straight to the point, however remaining personable at all times. However I will not feed you just what you want to hear, or agree with what you feel is right.

Growth happens when we lean into discomfort. My job is to hold you through that process, to be your rock when life feels heavy, and to remind you that clarity and confidence come on the other side of truth.

Coaching Is a Partnership

The coaching relationship is a partnership — one built on trust, respect, and accountability.

From our very first consultation, I see us as teammates. We’ll work together to understand where you are, what’s blocking you, and what you truly want to create in your life and relationships. I’ll always be honest with you, and I’ll expect honesty in return.

I believe the best growth comes when we’re both willing to show up fully — me as your coach, and you as someone ready to do the work.

Because coaching isn’t about me fixing you. It’s about us walking side by side as you begin to fix the parts of your life that don’t feel aligned anymore.

The Relationship With Yourself Comes First

My niche as a relationship coach is all about the relationships you have — not just with others, but with yourself.

Everything starts there.

If you don’t have a healthy, loving, and aligned relationship with yourself, every other relationship will feel harder than it needs to. The truth is, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t give love freely if you’re still struggling to give it to yourself.

When we work together, we’ll look at how you connect to yourself — your self-worth, your inner voice, your boundaries, your patterns. Because when you begin to realign within, you start to naturally attract better connections, stronger relationships, and a calmer, more grounded sense of peace.

Alignment is everything.

If you’re not aligned with yourself or your partner, it often leads to frustration, miscommunication, and sometimes — heartbreak. My job is to help you see whether the relationship you’re in has room to grow, or whether it’s keeping you stagnant. From that awareness, real change can begin.

Accountability: The Key to Growth

One of the biggest parts of growth is accountability. It’s being brave enough to look at your own choices, your patterns, and your reactions — and take responsibility for them.

That’s not about blame. It’s about ownership.

When you take accountability, you reclaim your power. You move from “Why is this happening to me?” to “What can I do to change it?”

My role is to hold you accountable with compassion. I’ll challenge you when you need it, encourage you when you doubt yourself, and celebrate every win — no matter how small — because they all count towards your growth.

Looking Ahead, Not Back

While we may talk about past experiences and old wounds, my focus is always on moving forward. You can’t rewrite your past, but you can shape your future.

Coaching is about building momentum — setting goals, finding clarity, and creating a life that feels aligned with who you truly are.

Working with a coach isn’t just about relationships; it’s about wellbeing, mindset, and fulfilment. It’s about learning to live from a place of purpose rather than reaction, and rediscovering your ability to thrive — not just survive.

The Power of Self-Intimacy

One of the most powerful lessons I’ve seen in this work is that everything starts with self-intimacy — the ability to truly know, accept, and love yourself.

It’s about sitting with yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about learning to understand what you need, what you feel, and what you want.

When you develop that relationship with yourself, everything changes. You stop seeking external validation. You begin to attract healthier connections. You see the world — and yourself — in a softer, more loving way.

That’s where freedom begins.

In the End, My Job Is to Help You Grow

At the heart of everything I do, my mission as a coach is simple: to help you grow.

To help you ease your suffering, find alignment, and break through the limitations that have held you back. To give you the tools, support, and perspective to step into the life and relationships you truly deserve.

Growth isn’t always pretty, and it’s rarely easy. But with trust, honesty, and commitment, it’s absolutely possible.

If you’re ready to face yourself, embrace change, and step into alignment, then you’re ready for coaching. Together, we’ll build the foundation for your next chapter — stronger, clearer, and more connected than ever before.

The sheer pain of modern dating in 2025 – Level of Fickleness exceeds….

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Why Dating in 2025 Feels So Hard — From Someone Who’s Tired of Trying

I don’t know about you, but dating in 2025 feels like an emotional rollercoaster with no seatbelt. Everyone says they want something real — loyalty, love, connection — but most people don’t actually show up for it. It’s like everyone’s addicted to attention, but terrified of intimacy…. and no I don’t mean Sex, I mean real intimacy of getting to know each other…

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve opened up to someone, only to be met with mixed signals, half-effort, or silence. People ghost like it’s nothing now. They breadcrumb you with “good mornings” and heart emojis, but no real intention behind them. It’s exhausting — trying to keep faith in love when it feels like most people are just playing games, its bloody hard, and this is why it exhausts me and I just can’t physically chat to more than 1-2 people, I get brain fog, then I worry I am becoming the ‘Ghoster’ . So whilst people will always say ‘Kerry, why do you put all your eggs in one basker’ – the answer is, with my busy life, I do not have the capacity to spread myself thinly, chatting to multiple people.

1. 

Everyone’s Scared to Settle — But Not in the Good Way

It’s not that people don’t want love — they just don’t want to choose it. We live in this swipe culture where everyone’s afraid to settle because they think there’s always something better one scroll away.

It’s like no one actually stops to appreciate what’s right in front of them. They keep chasing the next dopamine hit — the next “spark,” the next crush, the next temporary distraction — instead of investing in something that could actually grow into something meaningful.

2. 

People Use Each Other Like Emotional Placeholders

I’ve learned the hard way that some people don’t want you — they just don’t want to be alone. They’ll talk to you, flirt with you, maybe even make you feel special for a while. But deep down, they’re not building a connection — they’re just filling a void, something so missing in them, and they often don’t even realise. I have been there myself, until I pushed on with my self awareness journey.,

When people have got what they needed — validation, comfort, a distraction from their loneliness — they move on. No closure. No honesty. Just silence. And you’re left sitting there wondering what changed, when really… they were never ready for anything real in the first place.

3. 

We Mistake Attention for Affection

The lines are so blurry now. Someone sends you flirty texts, watches your stories, and gives you compliments — and it feels like something, right? But attention isn’t the same as affection. Just because they choose to orbit you, doesn’t mean they are interested. Right now I have someone I find attractive and would like to get to know, floating around in my socials, however even after I sent my number several days ago, still haven’t had a message.. and actions speak louder than…. we all know the script!

People are experts at giving just enough to keep you hooked, but never enough to build something solid. They like the feeling of being wanted, but they don’t actually want to show up for you. And that’s the part that hurts — realising someone only liked the idea of you, not the real you.

4. 

Everyone’s Wounded, But Few Are Healing

We’re all carrying heartbreak, disappointment, and emotional scars. But instead of dealing with them, people just keep dating over their pain — hoping a new person will make them forget the old one.

That’s why there’s so much inconsistency out there. You can meet someone amazing, have real chemistry, and then watch them pull away because they’re still stuck in their past. They’re not bad people — they’re just broken and too scared to admit it. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less when they disappear. Pain is very real, but people just refuse to admit they need to heal, or are so blind to their hurt, through their own sheer stubbornness, that it becomes a never ending cycle.

5. 

It’s All Surface-Level — Until It Isn’t

Everyone says they want something real, but as soon as it gets real — when feelings get involved, when vulnerability shows up — people panic. They shut down. They ghost. They tell you they’re “not ready” or they “need space.”

It’s like people want the connection without the commitment, the intimacy without the risk. But love doesn’t work that way. You can’t get the deep stuff without showing up for the hard stuff too.

6. 

And Honestly? It’s Lonely Out Here

I think a lot of us are tired. Tired of being almost loved. Tired of situationships that feel like relationships until they don’t. Tired of giving our best to people who only give us their bare minimum.

Dating in 2025 feels like trying to build something real in a world where most people are emotionally unavailable. Where being kind, genuine, and loyal makes you feel like a rare species.

But you know what? I’d still rather be real than play the game. I’d rather keep my heart soft, even after it’s been bruised, than turn cold just to fit in. Because at the end of the day, I still believe that real love exists — it’s just harder to find among all the noise. This year with Mr Narcissist, I did feel even if for a few months, that the ‘Instagram’ type of love does exist, it was bull-shit! The jetting off on trips, and 100 roses dream, must only be delivered by love bombers, fantasists or a very very low percentage of men who truly want the dream to.

So if you’re out there, trying to love with your whole heart in a world that feels disconnected — you’re not alone.

We may be the minority now, but we’re the ones who’ll eventually find something real — because we never stopped believing in it

Narcissists and their constant need for admiration and love.

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Are you a supplier to a narcissist? Do you feed their habit, their ego?

But can a narcissist ever be happy and in love?

Quote ‘A leopard never changes its spots’ – Maybe not but can the right woman, over time watch those spots fade, and don’t we all have an essence of Narcissist deep within?

Narcissists can love, perhaps the majority just superficial, always with one step out the door. A narcissist can make you feel you’re all they need, all they desire and they’re in love, yet you have a bad day, they hurt you, and the love rears its head very different to the kind of love we thought we were receiving. Narcissists lack empathy, nature or nurture, they have a complete inability to put anyone else needs before their own.

Narcissists need and crave attention and validation, they are most often attracted to those who can provide them with the highest grandiose of self, those who can supply their fix. Narcissists are attracted to those who are kind people and givers, the type of people who will shower them with compliments, the kind of people they see as good and pure, who will supply them with exactly what they need to feed and boost their ego., This is why we see Narcissists deliver love-bombing, claiming you’re soul mates, saying its like a dream come true, weekends away, perfect dates, gifts, compliment giving, because Narcissists love the beginning of a relationship, dreams of getting married, and the problem is even the best narcissists can’t keep up the momentum. Whether it be 6 weeks or 6 months , narcissists are very excitement and thrill driven, they feel empowered from your attention, your affection, but as time goes on, little things will start to creep in, gas lighting, insults, back handed comments, correcting you, telling you they say things with love, but then insult you. The puzzle pieces start to fit together, and you will see these triggers come from frustration, anger, and the actual dark side of their personality, and they will try and double back, because they will still require their validation, however as they start to express their true self, perhaps in time of stress, over time there will be more and more of them, so you notice this exciting person you met and fell for, actually becomes almost flat line empty soul of a person, and you don’t want to compliment them, you don’t have that same butterfly feeling, and so you stop the supply, and rather than see this as their fault, (which it is) they will blame you, they’re very naturally novelty seeking people, they love the high feeling, this is why so many of them are drug or have been drug addicts, they love those dopaminergic feelings and in their make believe fantasy its you who is at fault, you who has made this go ‘boring’ you are the problem, never them! You’ve taken the excitement away! However the truth is, they were living in fantasy dream land, caught up in their high fix, and you were the drug, however once their true character kicked in, and they start putting you down, start winding you up for a reaction and start showing instability and inconsistency, it causes a huge imbalance in the relationship. One of you will be waiting and praying for their fun side to return, hoping it was really them, whilst walking on eggshells and never knowing what is around the corner, because their frame of mind actually scares you. One minute they love you more than life, the next they’re so cold, and you never know what personality you’ll be met with, so as the supplier, your anxiety takes over and you can’t be that fun person a giving constant praise, Because your energies are depleted, So the narcissist sees you as the one who has changed, sees you as the one not compatible, you as the one who its boring, when really it’s their fucked up view on life and how they treat others which has caused all this.

As good people we will naturally enter any relationship giving praise, and status and validation, however there are ways to spot a narcissist at the very start. Do they talk of children together, a house together a life together after just a date or two? We can’t call narcissists fake, they just live a false reality, a fantasy world, where they see visions and have desires, and they will want that, but its your supply that feeds these fantasies.

Narcissists are very precarious individuals, often very fickle jumping from one idea to another, completely driven in life by their own self worth, self interest and they will tread and hurt anyone to get what they want In life. To live out the fantasy they see in their head, they are hyper-competitive and impatient demanding everything their way, in their time, and everyone following their lead, because in their head narcissists are never wrong, so its their way or the highway. Once the fantasy of you dies off, they will already be onto their next victim, because many of them need a plan B and back up plan, so they can have that constant attention.

The idea of the classic grandiose narcissist – the most recognisable form of Narcissism, is characterised by entitlement, redness, arrogance, and a constant need for touch and admiration. They tend to have a high self esteem and believe there is a hierarchy In life and they are superior to others. They are often boastful and tell you their earnings, their materials, what cars they have driven, they often inflate numbers and exaggerate their achievements and they can become combative, aggressive and take a dislike to you if their superiority is challenged. The will dominate conversations, by talking at you not with you, they will accuse you of not listening almost like you are the child and they are the parent, what they say is right, based on their facts, and everyone else opinion doesn’t matter. They will often dominate relationships , with lines such as ‘I like things traditional, the man in charge’ all the time setting seeds and foundations, to conform you to their controlling ways, remember they are childlike in wanting everything their way. They will also want you almost scared of them, so will keep you on knife edge, on your toes, so you form attachment to them, because they will want you craving them, chasing them.

Many narcissists turn to criminal acts, such as fraud, because their ego and lack of empathy enables them to work and prosper and not have any empathy for the victims they steal from. They will take and take to fund their own luxury lifestyle, and not give AF about the consequences. This is the same in love. They will want you hand holding them constantly, praising them constantly, yet when you need them they fail to show up.

Narcissists don’t need love, they don’t feel love, they feel love for theirselves and the image of what they think love is, they will dream they want the fairy tale, but unless they recognise their traits and get the right therapy, they will never ever feel happiness. They will get their fix through shopping money, women, and cars, but they will never feel or love in the traditional sense, and sadly will end up very lonely, or dying young from drug addictions and gluttony problems such as heart attack from the over use of steroids and drug misuse.

Remember the 4 D’s are a narcissist Denial, Dismissal, Devaluation and Divorce. A pattern that will never cease unless the narcissist gets real help.

Denial – Narcissists often deny responsibility for their actions, blame others, or minimize the impact of their behavior. This can manifest as a persistent lack of accountability. If you try to explain their actions have hurt you, they will suddenly recall that one time you hurt them, because they struggle to take and accept blame, remember a narcissist is new wrong in their mind.

Dismissal – They may dismiss or invalidate the feelings, opinions, or experiences of others, often downplaying their significance or importance. They will speak over you, and not let you voice your opinions and when you do, they will disagree and often say you are wrong, wasn’t listening and dismiss your opinion.

Devaluation – This involves making someone feel inadequate, worthless, or inferior, often through criticism, belittling, or public humiliation. If you’re a confident partner, they will like that about you at first, but over time they will chip away. I recently found this myself, after years of body dismorphia and an eating disorder, I had my body, my looks criticised, which is abuse, whether I had, had disorders or not, but again, they will follow the insult with ‘I say this with love, but’ – And the strange thing was, the guy wasn’t my type in the beginning, his love bombing won me over, so I could of easily given my opinions on him, but I would never be so rude to. However a real narcissist will mark you beneath them, so if you display confidence, and for instance say ‘Oh I love my legs’ – low and behold they will say something detrimental about your legs.

Divorce/Discard – In the context of relationships, this can refer to the end of the relationship, either through physical separation or emotional withdrawal. The narcissist may discard the person they were previously idealizing, often with little regard for their feeling, they won’t care how they do this, and will most likely do it over the phone, so they can state their facts, not listen to yours and run the fuck away, because again your opinion doesn’t matter, there’s does, that’s how they feel, deal with it!!!! Their lack of emotional intelligence and empathy will see them on this path of self destruction all through their lives. From one woman/ man to the next, falling in love and lust, using the innocent person, manipulating them, knocking them down so the dynamics change, then blaming the poor victim, and making an excuse to move onto the next.

Whilst there is no cure for NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) in the sense of pure elimination, it has been found by investing in therapy, coupled with a sense of truly wanting to change, there can be dramatic improvements and they can almost go on to live normal lives, with the support of a very loving family and very patient partner. However as we have discussed this can be near impossible, because nearly all people with NPD, are in complete denial of their wrong doing, it will 99% of the time be somebody else’s fault, and you will very rarely hear them say Sorry or Thank you. They don’t feel they need to, Because in their world, YOU are beneath them, you are 49% and they are 51% they don’t view equality like a normal person, Because they have a constant need to impress others, look a certain way, act a certain way, show off a certain way. Remember they don’t care for you, they don’t care for their own children, their own mothers, they will care about theirselves only. On the surface they will proclaim all the love in the world, but when you need them, they will never show up.

Clinical research has shown, a reduction in grey matter in the brain of people with NPD, in areas of the brain like the anterior insult, which controls empathy. They had an unusual thinning of the brain in this area across all the study boards. When faced with testing and presented with tasks of social and emotional stimuli, Functional neuroimaging studies have revealed reduced activity in brain regions involved in empathy and compassion.

Research also suggests abnormalities and changes in the orbito-frontal cortex, which controls emotional intelligence and regulation and our social behaviours. Research suggests that the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the striatum n(a brain region involved in reward and motivation) may be disrupted in individuals with NPD, giving reason to hyper competitiveness, a lack of patience and a need to admired and praised. Whilst research continues into this field, we only have to look into the links between people with NPD and their high rate connection to violent crimes, they are very dangerous individuals with many prolific murderers being diagnosed with NPD. This condition is not just an instagram meme, its life changing and harmful for those caught up with a person who has NPD.

Remember a narcissist will deny they need therapy, and if they do feel they have to entertain the idea to please others, they will attend maybe one or two sessions, and rank theirselves higher at sorting their problems, than a trained Doctor, if they and very rarely do stick at it, then it can potentially work and turn their lives around, but narcissist may recognise their behaviour for a week or two then want to change, then suddenly it will be back to everyone else being a mess, to blame, at fault. So trying to get them to commit long term, when they are so fickle will be the biggest test of all.

It may be heart breaking to know and realise when the jigsaw pieces match up that you’re actually dating a narcissist, you may be like how I was so down trodden, so emotionally exhausted and feel so duped that there may be a sad sigh of relief. They are super tuned in, if they see you starting to get second thoughts, they will reel you back in, feed you a little, to keep you hanging off their carrot, then once you’re back, return back, and its like they have a bag of treats and you’re the puppy, and a tiny rewarder and there, will have your tail wagging.

Remember you are human to, and you will have your heart broken by this person, who will love you one day, and finish you the next with a whole barrage of excuses. You deserve better… always remember. You don’t need to change, its them, and if they cannot see that, then sadly you only get one life, its time to move on, as he’s probably already got his next victim lined up, so he can dispose of your attention because someone else is picking up the tab.

Look after yourselves… not them… you can’t keep supplying them, its mentally exhausting, it will leave you walking on egg shells, anxious, nervous and scared. So worried you will say the wrong thing, wear something they don’t like, or even have your own opinion. Stay safe…

Are there benefits to Celibacy?

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Pro’s and Con’s of Celibacy

Celibacy, abstinence, no sex, lots of sex, regular sex…

Yes I can almost hear your minds right now, reading that title, who in their right mind?

Celibacy has its pro’s and con’s and no therapist or human being can tell you, life with your legs shut tight, is healthy, I mean maybe against STD’s, however we are naturally wired, to crave and desire sex.

Sex positively impacts the body, improved immune system, reduced blood pressure, reduced stress levels and a a reduced risk of cardiovascular events, plus the high majority of individuals (hopefully nearly all) enjoy it! In men alone, regular ejaculation can improve prostrate health, A 2018 meta-analysisTrusted Source found ejaculating two to four times per week had associations with a lower risk of prostate cancer. So come on… Sex wins again doesn’t it?

For females, frequent sex again, either with a partner or solo, can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles that support the bladder. This can improve bladder function and reduce incontinence. I mean if you’ve had kids, this again surely a benefit?

Measured in mental health surveys, a recent 2020 survey actually found regular sex can lift depression and anxiety, where as bouts of abstinence can lead to a feeling of loneliness, a feeling of being unwanted, and whether preference or not, it can lead to bouts of depression.

However, lets take time to think about this, my own journey of celibacy has been an interesting one. As a woman who has such an open mind and high sex drive, why would I opt for celibacy?

Now, trust me, its not for not wanting sex? I miss good sex! However it has more to do with the journey of self love, self appreciation, appreciating, what giving my body away, truly means.

Celibacy in itself is a reward, and although may seem like endurance and a form of punishment to oneself , it really is a chance to heal, nurture and protect your mind, body and soul. Don’t be afraid to belong to you, we often find ourselves belonging to others, and pleasing others, however this is giving others power over our bodies and who we are. If we look at celibacy as a way to keeping our own power and a healing tool, an opportunity for internal growth. Celibacy is used in many cultures and paths in life. Many people feel by maintaining celibacy is will strengthen their relationship with God or higher power. Celibacy can give more energy to dedicate to spiritual practices. If we look at hinduism and Buddhism , their culture views it as a way to detach from desires and addictions, and sees celibacy as a cleanse and rebirth.

For me, and many other celibacy is a time for self reflection, self nurturing and a chance to explore and understand oneself. It can help with emotional maturity and emotional stability, allowing you to take a back seat and view decisions you have made, and what you would do differently, we can harbour the energy for growth and personal goals, and for clarity and clear thinking, which in itself eases mental health pressures.

Celibacy is a personal journey and only we can enter celibacy off our own backs, only we can make decisions like that to know we have the own power to control, and be in charge of our own strengths. Whether we opt to try it or give it a miss, I personally think over our life time its worth doing the journey at least once, and whether it be for a few weeks or a few months, give your body and mind enough time to see and feel the benefits. You’ll thank me later…

The female. Vs The Male – Midlife crisis

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The female. Vs The Male – Midlife crisis

Firstly, what is a midlife crisis?

Carl Jung identified this as a normal part of maturing, a peak of adulting, we climb up the stairs of age, and then we peak and plateau, and life becomes a tad dull, we don’t know what to do, or what to expect? Is the only way off this landing, down?

It’s a feeling of ‘we want to be young and down with the kids’ but realistically we are neither young or old, we are in the middle, and we don’t want to see that, feel that, believe that.

Often seen as depression, we are at an emotional transition in life, taking a view of where we are, what we have achieved and a glance into where we are heading.

The Male midlife crisis over the years has been called the Porsche era, a man will start to look at his younger friends, and want what they have, being a dad, living the 2.4 lifestyle scares them, the realisation that this is life, starts to bare down on their dad bod, so they try and hit the gym to prove that their 38 year old dad bod, can still look as ripped as their 28 year old saturday night hang-out buddies. They start to look at their wives and mothers of their children thinking ‘Is this it?’ , is this the woman I should be with, and they start to develop the ‘mid-life ego’ and start to want to date, childless 26 year olds.

As a woman with many younger single friends, the stories I hear of 40 year old men, trying to step-mum off 26 year olds, just blows my mind. It makes me realise just how selfish men can be when they think with their dicks.

My girl won’t mind me using her story, but my friend is 28, stunning, pre baby body, no ties, decent job, no baggage, no emotional instability (she hides it well, she stalks and has bad mental health days like every other woman, but he deems her as private, she’s perfect! However, her man who is 39 has expressed he may consider another child, may….. and so she has told him, she isn’t fussed about kids, and may decide on one.. but really (I know her well, and trust me I have been her before) , she wants 2-3 kids, but she loves older men, the stability, and she happily plays step mum again, second time around for her, until soccer drop offs, and becoming tea becomes too much, and festivals and holidays start, then being step mum, just doesn’t have the same love when summer hits.

I was 31 when I met 44 year old Manuel and 45 year old Bruno, successful, millionaires, living the dream, but they didn’t want children, and so at 31 I didn’t think I really did, so I was happy telling them I didn’t want kids either. I wanted a future, especially at the time with Manuel, he was the epitome of James Bond crossed with Jude law, likewise, Spanish and Irish mixed, with a posh english accent, an Aston martin and oh my goodness, did that man look good in a tux, he was what every young woman who likes older guys, would crave, and no weird Christian grey shit, just a hot guy and hotter sex. It was defiantly a fantasy fuck, the same with Bruno my hot Austrian captain, with the best penthouse overlooking JBR. My life in that year was probably one of the best in my life sexually, but at the time, was I really willing to sacrifice not having children for love, lust? At the time I didn’t mind, but at 31, I didn’t know what I wanted, and I for sure couldn’t have lived that life, if they’d have had children, knowing I would be bringing up their children and not my own, or perhaps persuading them to have one more? Maybe? Deep down I knew, after the fun wore off, resentment would have set in.



We can’t fight a guys mid-life crisis, we have to let them do their thing, until they wake up one day, and think yep i’m 40. For those of us who have a partner going through this, the signs will be there, the questioning of life, the quietness, the second glances at other women, the ‘I can still dress on trend’ , the ‘I’m still fit enough to cane the gym and play football every week’ .. and what do we do?



Now what is the female mid-life crisis ? How does it differ, I mean does it even differ? We are midlife, wen again, want to be young, but not, we want to wear short skirts, but they now need to be an inch or two longer, we refuse to cut our hair short, (we are not 65 yet), but the difference being, us women, Know the signs, and what is happening, we aren’t like men, we accept it, and we embrace it. We are inbetween seven year cycles, we hit a sexual peak at 35, our bodies and minds evolve mid 30’s and we become different, how we act, think, fuck, once we hit 35, the game changes we start to think of ourselves, for the first time in all the years, we fuck to please ourselves, we start to work harder on our bodies, we start to crave more sex, and unlike men, its not directed to someone ten years younger, its to anyone we find sexually appealling, age irrelevant, as long as they can keep up.

Women also become more open, more open with feelings, emotions and not afraid to show they’re passionate and feisty. We are no longer that young girl, that stays quiet and becomes a yes woman, to please her man, we are present.

‘Every man wants a woman with a big heart, but what men don’t understand is a woman with a big heart, comes with BIG emotions. She is passionate, she cares, she gets sad, she gets impatient, and she loves you like no other. You can’t have a woman with a big heart and expect her to have small emotions’

This quote rings so true, if you’re used to dating younger women, then can you really handle and older more confident woman?? A man who is insecure, or facing his own midlife crisis, will not be able to handle a confident woman his own age, but a man who has passed the man-child phase will.

So if men around the 40 mark are dating and marrying off 30 year olds, who should us 40 year old women be dating? Do we date younger, do we date older? Do we stay where we are and date the same age? Do we want more kids? Younger guys means, 80% want for them to have their own kids? Can an older guy take on our kids, a younger guy take on our kids? I mean do we date men with kids, without kids? Does it even matter? Right now my own mind is in mega overdrive, do we over think this?

At 38 years old, I met my mid-life crisis with a bang, the reigns of a relationship tired me, being a size 18 saddened me, post natal depression over-powered me, and grief of loss, consumed me. I crashed and hit a wall, I needed to change me, my world, my future.. and I let my midlife crisis flow, and wow what a 2 years it has been…..Ssssh the rest is secret!