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Narcissists and their constant need for admiration and love.

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Are you a supplier to a narcissist? Do you feed their habit, their ego?

But can a narcissist ever be happy and in love?

Quote ‘A leopard never changes its spots’ – Maybe not but can the right woman, over time watch those spots fade, and don’t we all have an essence of Narcissist deep within?

Narcissists can love, perhaps the majority just superficial, always with one step out the door. A narcissist can make you feel you’re all they need, all they desire and they’re in love, yet you have a bad day, they hurt you, and the love rears its head very different to the kind of love we thought we were receiving. Narcissists lack empathy, nature or nurture, they have a complete inability to put anyone else needs before their own.

Narcissists need and crave attention and validation, they are most often attracted to those who can provide them with the highest grandiose of self, those who can supply their fix. Narcissists are attracted to those who are kind people and givers, the type of people who will shower them with compliments, the kind of people they see as good and pure, who will supply them with exactly what they need to feed and boost their ego., This is why we see Narcissists deliver love-bombing, claiming you’re soul mates, saying its like a dream come true, weekends away, perfect dates, gifts, compliment giving, because Narcissists love the beginning of a relationship, dreams of getting married, and the problem is even the best narcissists can’t keep up the momentum. Whether it be 6 weeks or 6 months , narcissists are very excitement and thrill driven, they feel empowered from your attention, your affection, but as time goes on, little things will start to creep in, gas lighting, insults, back handed comments, correcting you, telling you they say things with love, but then insult you. The puzzle pieces start to fit together, and you will see these triggers come from frustration, anger, and the actual dark side of their personality, and they will try and double back, because they will still require their validation, however as they start to express their true self, perhaps in time of stress, over time there will be more and more of them, so you notice this exciting person you met and fell for, actually becomes almost flat line empty soul of a person, and you don’t want to compliment them, you don’t have that same butterfly feeling, and so you stop the supply, and rather than see this as their fault, (which it is) they will blame you, they’re very naturally novelty seeking people, they love the high feeling, this is why so many of them are drug or have been drug addicts, they love those dopaminergic feelings and in their make believe fantasy its you who is at fault, you who has made this go ‘boring’ you are the problem, never them! You’ve taken the excitement away! However the truth is, they were living in fantasy dream land, caught up in their high fix, and you were the drug, however once their true character kicked in, and they start putting you down, start winding you up for a reaction and start showing instability and inconsistency, it causes a huge imbalance in the relationship. One of you will be waiting and praying for their fun side to return, hoping it was really them, whilst walking on eggshells and never knowing what is around the corner, because their frame of mind actually scares you. One minute they love you more than life, the next they’re so cold, and you never know what personality you’ll be met with, so as the supplier, your anxiety takes over and you can’t be that fun person a giving constant praise, Because your energies are depleted, So the narcissist sees you as the one who has changed, sees you as the one not compatible, you as the one who its boring, when really it’s their fucked up view on life and how they treat others which has caused all this.

As good people we will naturally enter any relationship giving praise, and status and validation, however there are ways to spot a narcissist at the very start. Do they talk of children together, a house together a life together after just a date or two? We can’t call narcissists fake, they just live a false reality, a fantasy world, where they see visions and have desires, and they will want that, but its your supply that feeds these fantasies.

Narcissists are very precarious individuals, often very fickle jumping from one idea to another, completely driven in life by their own self worth, self interest and they will tread and hurt anyone to get what they want In life. To live out the fantasy they see in their head, they are hyper-competitive and impatient demanding everything their way, in their time, and everyone following their lead, because in their head narcissists are never wrong, so its their way or the highway. Once the fantasy of you dies off, they will already be onto their next victim, because many of them need a plan B and back up plan, so they can have that constant attention.

The idea of the classic grandiose narcissist – the most recognisable form of Narcissism, is characterised by entitlement, redness, arrogance, and a constant need for touch and admiration. They tend to have a high self esteem and believe there is a hierarchy In life and they are superior to others. They are often boastful and tell you their earnings, their materials, what cars they have driven, they often inflate numbers and exaggerate their achievements and they can become combative, aggressive and take a dislike to you if their superiority is challenged. The will dominate conversations, by talking at you not with you, they will accuse you of not listening almost like you are the child and they are the parent, what they say is right, based on their facts, and everyone else opinion doesn’t matter. They will often dominate relationships , with lines such as ‘I like things traditional, the man in charge’ all the time setting seeds and foundations, to conform you to their controlling ways, remember they are childlike in wanting everything their way. They will also want you almost scared of them, so will keep you on knife edge, on your toes, so you form attachment to them, because they will want you craving them, chasing them.

Many narcissists turn to criminal acts, such as fraud, because their ego and lack of empathy enables them to work and prosper and not have any empathy for the victims they steal from. They will take and take to fund their own luxury lifestyle, and not give AF about the consequences. This is the same in love. They will want you hand holding them constantly, praising them constantly, yet when you need them they fail to show up.

Narcissists don’t need love, they don’t feel love, they feel love for theirselves and the image of what they think love is, they will dream they want the fairy tale, but unless they recognise their traits and get the right therapy, they will never ever feel happiness. They will get their fix through shopping money, women, and cars, but they will never feel or love in the traditional sense, and sadly will end up very lonely, or dying young from drug addictions and gluttony problems such as heart attack from the over use of steroids and drug misuse.

Remember the 4 D’s are a narcissist Denial, Dismissal, Devaluation and Divorce. A pattern that will never cease unless the narcissist gets real help.

Denial – Narcissists often deny responsibility for their actions, blame others, or minimize the impact of their behavior. This can manifest as a persistent lack of accountability. If you try to explain their actions have hurt you, they will suddenly recall that one time you hurt them, because they struggle to take and accept blame, remember a narcissist is new wrong in their mind.

Dismissal – They may dismiss or invalidate the feelings, opinions, or experiences of others, often downplaying their significance or importance. They will speak over you, and not let you voice your opinions and when you do, they will disagree and often say you are wrong, wasn’t listening and dismiss your opinion.

Devaluation – This involves making someone feel inadequate, worthless, or inferior, often through criticism, belittling, or public humiliation. If you’re a confident partner, they will like that about you at first, but over time they will chip away. I recently found this myself, after years of body dismorphia and an eating disorder, I had my body, my looks criticised, which is abuse, whether I had, had disorders or not, but again, they will follow the insult with ‘I say this with love, but’ – And the strange thing was, the guy wasn’t my type in the beginning, his love bombing won me over, so I could of easily given my opinions on him, but I would never be so rude to. However a real narcissist will mark you beneath them, so if you display confidence, and for instance say ‘Oh I love my legs’ – low and behold they will say something detrimental about your legs.

Divorce/Discard – In the context of relationships, this can refer to the end of the relationship, either through physical separation or emotional withdrawal. The narcissist may discard the person they were previously idealizing, often with little regard for their feeling, they won’t care how they do this, and will most likely do it over the phone, so they can state their facts, not listen to yours and run the fuck away, because again your opinion doesn’t matter, there’s does, that’s how they feel, deal with it!!!! Their lack of emotional intelligence and empathy will see them on this path of self destruction all through their lives. From one woman/ man to the next, falling in love and lust, using the innocent person, manipulating them, knocking them down so the dynamics change, then blaming the poor victim, and making an excuse to move onto the next.

Whilst there is no cure for NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) in the sense of pure elimination, it has been found by investing in therapy, coupled with a sense of truly wanting to change, there can be dramatic improvements and they can almost go on to live normal lives, with the support of a very loving family and very patient partner. However as we have discussed this can be near impossible, because nearly all people with NPD, are in complete denial of their wrong doing, it will 99% of the time be somebody else’s fault, and you will very rarely hear them say Sorry or Thank you. They don’t feel they need to, Because in their world, YOU are beneath them, you are 49% and they are 51% they don’t view equality like a normal person, Because they have a constant need to impress others, look a certain way, act a certain way, show off a certain way. Remember they don’t care for you, they don’t care for their own children, their own mothers, they will care about theirselves only. On the surface they will proclaim all the love in the world, but when you need them, they will never show up.

Clinical research has shown, a reduction in grey matter in the brain of people with NPD, in areas of the brain like the anterior insult, which controls empathy. They had an unusual thinning of the brain in this area across all the study boards. When faced with testing and presented with tasks of social and emotional stimuli, Functional neuroimaging studies have revealed reduced activity in brain regions involved in empathy and compassion.

Research also suggests abnormalities and changes in the orbito-frontal cortex, which controls emotional intelligence and regulation and our social behaviours. Research suggests that the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the striatum n(a brain region involved in reward and motivation) may be disrupted in individuals with NPD, giving reason to hyper competitiveness, a lack of patience and a need to admired and praised. Whilst research continues into this field, we only have to look into the links between people with NPD and their high rate connection to violent crimes, they are very dangerous individuals with many prolific murderers being diagnosed with NPD. This condition is not just an instagram meme, its life changing and harmful for those caught up with a person who has NPD.

Remember a narcissist will deny they need therapy, and if they do feel they have to entertain the idea to please others, they will attend maybe one or two sessions, and rank theirselves higher at sorting their problems, than a trained Doctor, if they and very rarely do stick at it, then it can potentially work and turn their lives around, but narcissist may recognise their behaviour for a week or two then want to change, then suddenly it will be back to everyone else being a mess, to blame, at fault. So trying to get them to commit long term, when they are so fickle will be the biggest test of all.

It may be heart breaking to know and realise when the jigsaw pieces match up that you’re actually dating a narcissist, you may be like how I was so down trodden, so emotionally exhausted and feel so duped that there may be a sad sigh of relief. They are super tuned in, if they see you starting to get second thoughts, they will reel you back in, feed you a little, to keep you hanging off their carrot, then once you’re back, return back, and its like they have a bag of treats and you’re the puppy, and a tiny rewarder and there, will have your tail wagging.

Remember you are human to, and you will have your heart broken by this person, who will love you one day, and finish you the next with a whole barrage of excuses. You deserve better… always remember. You don’t need to change, its them, and if they cannot see that, then sadly you only get one life, its time to move on, as he’s probably already got his next victim lined up, so he can dispose of your attention because someone else is picking up the tab.

Look after yourselves… not them… you can’t keep supplying them, its mentally exhausting, it will leave you walking on egg shells, anxious, nervous and scared. So worried you will say the wrong thing, wear something they don’t like, or even have your own opinion. Stay safe…

Are there benefits to Celibacy?

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Pro’s and Con’s of Celibacy

Celibacy, abstinence, no sex, lots of sex, regular sex…

Yes I can almost hear your minds right now, reading that title, who in their right mind?

Celibacy has its pro’s and con’s and no therapist or human being can tell you, life with your legs shut tight, is healthy, I mean maybe against STD’s, however we are naturally wired, to crave and desire sex.

Sex positively impacts the body, improved immune system, reduced blood pressure, reduced stress levels and a a reduced risk of cardiovascular events, plus the high majority of individuals (hopefully nearly all) enjoy it! In men alone, regular ejaculation can improve prostrate health, A 2018 meta-analysisTrusted Source found ejaculating two to four times per week had associations with a lower risk of prostate cancer. So come on… Sex wins again doesn’t it?

For females, frequent sex again, either with a partner or solo, can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles that support the bladder. This can improve bladder function and reduce incontinence. I mean if you’ve had kids, this again surely a benefit?

Measured in mental health surveys, a recent 2020 survey actually found regular sex can lift depression and anxiety, where as bouts of abstinence can lead to a feeling of loneliness, a feeling of being unwanted, and whether preference or not, it can lead to bouts of depression.

However, lets take time to think about this, my own journey of celibacy has been an interesting one. As a woman who has such an open mind and high sex drive, why would I opt for celibacy?

Now, trust me, its not for not wanting sex? I miss good sex! However it has more to do with the journey of self love, self appreciation, appreciating, what giving my body away, truly means.

Celibacy in itself is a reward, and although may seem like endurance and a form of punishment to oneself , it really is a chance to heal, nurture and protect your mind, body and soul. Don’t be afraid to belong to you, we often find ourselves belonging to others, and pleasing others, however this is giving others power over our bodies and who we are. If we look at celibacy as a way to keeping our own power and a healing tool, an opportunity for internal growth. Celibacy is used in many cultures and paths in life. Many people feel by maintaining celibacy is will strengthen their relationship with God or higher power. Celibacy can give more energy to dedicate to spiritual practices. If we look at hinduism and Buddhism , their culture views it as a way to detach from desires and addictions, and sees celibacy as a cleanse and rebirth.

For me, and many other celibacy is a time for self reflection, self nurturing and a chance to explore and understand oneself. It can help with emotional maturity and emotional stability, allowing you to take a back seat and view decisions you have made, and what you would do differently, we can harbour the energy for growth and personal goals, and for clarity and clear thinking, which in itself eases mental health pressures.

Celibacy is a personal journey and only we can enter celibacy off our own backs, only we can make decisions like that to know we have the own power to control, and be in charge of our own strengths. Whether we opt to try it or give it a miss, I personally think over our life time its worth doing the journey at least once, and whether it be for a few weeks or a few months, give your body and mind enough time to see and feel the benefits. You’ll thank me later…

The female. Vs The Male – Midlife crisis

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The female. Vs The Male – Midlife crisis

Firstly, what is a midlife crisis?

Carl Jung identified this as a normal part of maturing, a peak of adulting, we climb up the stairs of age, and then we peak and plateau, and life becomes a tad dull, we don’t know what to do, or what to expect? Is the only way off this landing, down?

It’s a feeling of ‘we want to be young and down with the kids’ but realistically we are neither young or old, we are in the middle, and we don’t want to see that, feel that, believe that.

Often seen as depression, we are at an emotional transition in life, taking a view of where we are, what we have achieved and a glance into where we are heading.

The Male midlife crisis over the years has been called the Porsche era, a man will start to look at his younger friends, and want what they have, being a dad, living the 2.4 lifestyle scares them, the realisation that this is life, starts to bare down on their dad bod, so they try and hit the gym to prove that their 38 year old dad bod, can still look as ripped as their 28 year old saturday night hang-out buddies. They start to look at their wives and mothers of their children thinking ‘Is this it?’ , is this the woman I should be with, and they start to develop the ‘mid-life ego’ and start to want to date, childless 26 year olds.

As a woman with many younger single friends, the stories I hear of 40 year old men, trying to step-mum off 26 year olds, just blows my mind. It makes me realise just how selfish men can be when they think with their dicks.

My girl won’t mind me using her story, but my friend is 28, stunning, pre baby body, no ties, decent job, no baggage, no emotional instability (she hides it well, she stalks and has bad mental health days like every other woman, but he deems her as private, she’s perfect! However, her man who is 39 has expressed he may consider another child, may….. and so she has told him, she isn’t fussed about kids, and may decide on one.. but really (I know her well, and trust me I have been her before) , she wants 2-3 kids, but she loves older men, the stability, and she happily plays step mum again, second time around for her, until soccer drop offs, and becoming tea becomes too much, and festivals and holidays start, then being step mum, just doesn’t have the same love when summer hits.

I was 31 when I met 44 year old Manuel and 45 year old Bruno, successful, millionaires, living the dream, but they didn’t want children, and so at 31 I didn’t think I really did, so I was happy telling them I didn’t want kids either. I wanted a future, especially at the time with Manuel, he was the epitome of James Bond crossed with Jude law, likewise, Spanish and Irish mixed, with a posh english accent, an Aston martin and oh my goodness, did that man look good in a tux, he was what every young woman who likes older guys, would crave, and no weird Christian grey shit, just a hot guy and hotter sex. It was defiantly a fantasy fuck, the same with Bruno my hot Austrian captain, with the best penthouse overlooking JBR. My life in that year was probably one of the best in my life sexually, but at the time, was I really willing to sacrifice not having children for love, lust? At the time I didn’t mind, but at 31, I didn’t know what I wanted, and I for sure couldn’t have lived that life, if they’d have had children, knowing I would be bringing up their children and not my own, or perhaps persuading them to have one more? Maybe? Deep down I knew, after the fun wore off, resentment would have set in.



We can’t fight a guys mid-life crisis, we have to let them do their thing, until they wake up one day, and think yep i’m 40. For those of us who have a partner going through this, the signs will be there, the questioning of life, the quietness, the second glances at other women, the ‘I can still dress on trend’ , the ‘I’m still fit enough to cane the gym and play football every week’ .. and what do we do?



Now what is the female mid-life crisis ? How does it differ, I mean does it even differ? We are midlife, wen again, want to be young, but not, we want to wear short skirts, but they now need to be an inch or two longer, we refuse to cut our hair short, (we are not 65 yet), but the difference being, us women, Know the signs, and what is happening, we aren’t like men, we accept it, and we embrace it. We are inbetween seven year cycles, we hit a sexual peak at 35, our bodies and minds evolve mid 30’s and we become different, how we act, think, fuck, once we hit 35, the game changes we start to think of ourselves, for the first time in all the years, we fuck to please ourselves, we start to work harder on our bodies, we start to crave more sex, and unlike men, its not directed to someone ten years younger, its to anyone we find sexually appealling, age irrelevant, as long as they can keep up.

Women also become more open, more open with feelings, emotions and not afraid to show they’re passionate and feisty. We are no longer that young girl, that stays quiet and becomes a yes woman, to please her man, we are present.

‘Every man wants a woman with a big heart, but what men don’t understand is a woman with a big heart, comes with BIG emotions. She is passionate, she cares, she gets sad, she gets impatient, and she loves you like no other. You can’t have a woman with a big heart and expect her to have small emotions’

This quote rings so true, if you’re used to dating younger women, then can you really handle and older more confident woman?? A man who is insecure, or facing his own midlife crisis, will not be able to handle a confident woman his own age, but a man who has passed the man-child phase will.

So if men around the 40 mark are dating and marrying off 30 year olds, who should us 40 year old women be dating? Do we date younger, do we date older? Do we stay where we are and date the same age? Do we want more kids? Younger guys means, 80% want for them to have their own kids? Can an older guy take on our kids, a younger guy take on our kids? I mean do we date men with kids, without kids? Does it even matter? Right now my own mind is in mega overdrive, do we over think this?

At 38 years old, I met my mid-life crisis with a bang, the reigns of a relationship tired me, being a size 18 saddened me, post natal depression over-powered me, and grief of loss, consumed me. I crashed and hit a wall, I needed to change me, my world, my future.. and I let my midlife crisis flow, and wow what a 2 years it has been…..Ssssh the rest is secret!

Reaching out to our higher sexual being..

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How do we look within, and begin to understand our bodies, and what sex means to them.

For most people, sex is about attraction, lust, stimulation and pleasure, but what is we can have all that and more, what if we can have more, enjoy more, and go beyond the realms of what is the norm.

How can we harness our energy flows, to become better lovers, for ourselves and for our partner, how can we go beyond orgasm, to orgasms that blow both our own mind and our partners. The way we determine sex, is very black and white, we like, we fancy, we fuck, we enjoy, our primal instinct desires pleasure and we deliver it to ourselves, and it seems to please the other person to, great, job done!!! Really? The fact is most people on this planet actually consider theirselves a good lover, but demonstrations in their being and how they treat others, determines the egotistical ones from the genuine.

If you think about it, everything in nature has a sexual energy, from pollination, to animals, to humans, everything has a sex drive, effectively it’s what makes the world go round. So when your tinder date tells you, they have a high sex drive, well sorry mate so does 99% of the world, sex is at the centre of life, everything we look at around us, has been driven by desire.

What is sex? What does sex mean to you, let’s take a moment to think, what are the words that come to mind when you think about sex? Think of 5 words that spring to mind when we think about sex – just sit for 30 seconds now, and what words and thoughts come into your head?

How do you see sex? Is t something you can live without, something you cannot live without? How do you see your relationship with sex? Have you ever sat down and thought about your sexual being, and what sex truly means to you? If you have never sat down and reflected on past sex, why not? It’s thinking like this, that builds our knowledge and understanding of sex and love.

Choose several past lovers, and write down, what they meant to you, the best sex with them, and the worst sex with them? Why was it good, why was it bad? Why are they not still lovers? Where did they go? We seem to simply close the book and move onto the next, with the term ‘its not you its me’ , installed into our brains, we could of been better at stacking the dishwasher, we could of been less argumentative, but do we ever look to those relationships and think ‘We could of been better lovers’ … NO we don’t because we all think we are fucking great in bed! We cannot even bruise our own ego’s by thinking anything less.. why can we put ourselves down and address issues, in every other aspect, but addressing our own love making, NOPE we can’t do that, women perhaps some of us, but hey can you imagine a guy sat there, thinking, ‘Oh if only I had been less selfish” ‘Oh if only I had been more open minded’ , Guys do not think like this, they possess a level of ego in this department, that blocks out any negative thinking , that can question (in their eyes) their masculinity.

So how do we become better lovers?

We need to tune ourselves into directing our sexual energy to achieve our sexual goals, to be able to experience that higher, intense level of sexual consciousness, we need to understand ourselves and others more.

As a writer who takes time to ground, chakra cleanse and deeply connect with myself, I have began to seek learning and development in the art of sex and personal development, because whilst I know my own abilities, I feel I’m a bad judge of person when it comes to connecting to others, I feel personally for me, I buy into a fantasy more, and as that persons true colours emerge later on down the line, I start to find them ugly, and see beyond their flirt or sexual chat, and I feel of late, I have saved myself from one or two people, where in the initial instance I thought wow, the sexual flow and energy together is a positive charge, but as immaturity, disregard to other humans, and selfishness has become apparent, I find myself thinking thank fuck, I was never physically intimate, because we would of ‘fucked’ mauybe had a cuddle, but my body wouldn’t have reached that soul connection, so whilst it may have been a 7/8 (prob thanks to me) , i’m craving an 11, and this is why seeking celibacy and time on my own for development and self admiration is key. We spend so many years in relationships, where we just do not have the key time to give to ourselves, and MY GOD is the year 40 for me a time to do that!

Have you heard of sexual transmutation ? Changing our sexual being, and developing its form, taking that raw dense sexual energy taking it from chaos to a higher level.

Sexual energy can control us, from setting imbalance, in our hormones, creating irresponsible behaviours, disease, sexual dysfunction and chaotic emotions, sex can harm us, we look after our physical and mental beings, but how often have we thought about looking after our sexual beings? It needs to be nurtured to.

Transforming our sexual energy, can change our lives, from a deep moral understanding, to how we love ourselves and others around us, to simply having order in our own lives.

Benefits to aligning our sexual energy, can encourage drive, determination, physical energy, confidence, mental clarity, focus, self awareness, spirituality, provide ability to manifest and generally improve our overall lives. It is so key to point out, that this does not mean go out and sleep with someone, but more so sleep with yourself for a while. Only you know you, take time out from giving yourself to others, and have a relationship with yourself.

Recently I realised that my bad judge of character with sexual partners or lovers, was much more deep rooted that I thought it could be, Even now I look and think, wow how wrong was I, on judging that character, but that is what sexual desire and fantasy can do to us, lead us down negative paths, to people who simply take to pleasure their own boredom and fantasy, and it was this summer that made me realise, because I see the good in people, it is actually quite damaging and detrimental to my own being, i’m damaging my own self, in the quest of trying to please others, and win over the wrong people who don’t actually give a flying toots about me and my world, and trust me, the world is full of those, so I set off on a quest to help me strengthen my mind, my desires and my body. My mind set always will try and see ‘Glass half full’ however being realistic and protecting oneself, is not about negative mindset , there is nothing wrong with valuing yourself to protect.

For thousands of years different cultures have recognised sexual transformation and the importance of sex, and whilst sex through the ages transitioned itself to be condemned in some cultures, in others it transformed into a higher level. if we look at Tantric, Taoist and Kabbalah, yogic philosophy, seeing our sexual energy as dormant until we align and awaken with specific practices.

Take Carl Jung theory on Sexual alchemy and Freuds focus of sexual sublimination, how can we transform this raw energy and transcend it into something deeper with meaning and creativity, how do we enhance and develop it deeper.

It is a proven fact, those with a higher level of creative energy and skill, are better lovers, and whilst there is nothing wrong in enjoying regular sex , there is so much more than can be, than simply ‘Getting off with an orgasm’ , what if you can achieve more? Sexual transformation, is releasing energy and receiving pleasure in more ways than just being naked with some hot guy on top of you, its about how we connect to everything around us. Think about it after sex, we feel calm, at one, satisfied (most of the time), and we have temporarily given ourselves that ‘fix’ , but soon enough the hunger is back again, and again it needs feeding, our inner beast, never fully satisfied, so how can we channel that energy to reach that high level of pleasure in all we do,

Sexual abstinence and sexual expression, can lead you to incredible level of the most powerful transformations. Think about an orgasm, think of the energy created in that moment, a free-mind moment, where you don’t think, you are liberated, so how can we increase that feeling of oneness, imaging caging that power and energy for a short time, and learning what to do with that energy, that can build more intensity.

When driven by desire, we develop imagination, courage and tenacity, we want, we crave, we desire.. but when we achieve, for a negative, selfish lover its done then, the attraction is over, and they fulfilled their goal, you were nothing more than a means to an end goal, and that feeling can crush you, there is nothing worse in this world, than feeling that exploited and used. Even if we judge ourselves as good people, our sexual energy can cause us to hurt others, deeply, and we do not realise we do it, because for us our sexual energy is at the centre of our universe, getting ourselves off, overides our regard for how we treat others, and each of us are so capable of truly hurting others just to feed our own desires.

Sexual transformation isn’t about running away or overcoming your desire for sexual gratifcation, it is about transforming all that energy to take you to a higher state of understanding and development, it’s not about detaching yourself from sex, and going against nature, orgasm and pleasure is why we have g-spots and ca feel pleasure, they are something that are meant to be, so we don’t have to deny ourselves our birth right.

Its is important to look at how we feel and what we feel, lets not just label it off as ‘sexual energy’ what do we feel is sexual energy? How does it make us feel? How can we observe and begin to feel stimulation without physical touch? When we think of sex, what led us to think of it? Observe the path, observe what led us there.

Let’s try and go without sex for a week or two, lets think about the negative and positive emotions that manifest over that period, some of us will flourish, some of us will struggle, it will give you clarity on whether abstinence or expression is right for you.

Let’s try and visualise, let’s use our minds to take ourselves higher, without touch or physical sex. Think about your drive in life, what are you working to achieve, now as you engage in sex and are about to reach that point of orgasm, visualise that goal, that dream, ans the image you are creating in your head can give a profound more higher-ful energy flow, and whilst, we do not want to be dismissive to our partners, it would be in itself, simply like an orgasm we have anyway, when in that moment of climax do we think of anyone but ourselves? So please do not feel any guilt with visualisation.

Let’s try and focus on reaching that tantric edge, the point to which you are so close to orgasm, but edging and taking it back, the on off flow, of keep building to that higher level over and over again.

Another way, something I truly enjoy, is regulating and focusing on breath-work, breathing slowly, and connecting with your sexual energy, feeling it build inside, as you breathe out, take that energy with you, let it rise and fall, bringing balance and helping you brim on the edge, encouraging that energy to ride up and down your spine, move and ride with it, in motion, as you breathe and connect to your partner, feel their energy connect with your spine, your genitals, engaging in breath work together, locking eye contact and close body contact, is key in developing your sexual relationship with each other and on your own.

Not everyone is able to connect or wants to connect with their chakra, but by learning to ground and working towards cleansing your Chakras, this can work to align and channel your sexual energy through your body.

The ways to develop your sexual relationship with yourself and others, is a lot deeper than what people think, people dismiss sex and its enormity and see it as a means to an end, people fail to see just how sexual energy controls us, how it can take over our lives, the lack of acknowledgement is what can ultimately make us selfish lovers, people, an d without understanding our own sexual beings and needs, how can we expect others to.

Take time to reconnect with yourselves, and learn to self love and appreciate, understand how directing those strong sexual desires and learning how to channel, can develop who we are, and how we treat others.. it takes more than stamina to truly be a good lover, lets look after our mind, body and soul…

Endometriosis the silent war…

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So this post is a little different, its a post on where I want this blog to go, your own contributions…

Endometriosis, is the unspoken subject that , no-one really understands..

Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the womb grows in other places, such as the ovaries and fallopian tubes.

Endometriosis can affect women of any age, including teenagers.

It’s a long-term condition that can have a significant impact on your life, but there are treatments that can help.

Date 18th Sept 2023 , Source,https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/endometriosis/

I mean do Doctors, educate us on Endo Belly? Do they advise us what to do, when we have a tampax in, and an overnight pad for day time use?? Do they advise us what else we can do than set 2 hour alarms each night? No… they don’t! So with sharing awareness we can look to educate each other..

I have taken the time to speak to a few of you, and share a few of your own experiences on just how Endometriosis can make you feel..

‘Endometriosis and PCOS have controlled my entire, teenage and adult life, and for the past year or two, I have suffered in extreme silence and hidden my struggle with everyone in my life. I was told by GP’s to basically ‘Man up’,and that I was lying because everything looked ‘Normal’ , that I was too. young for anything to be wrong, and most of all met with ‘Just go on the pill'(Don’t even get me started on this), worst of all the surgery I had done in 2019, hadn’t even been done properly! LADIES, PARENTS, SIBLINGS, EVERYONE… EXTREME PERIOD PAIN IS ‘NOT’ NORMAL!! If you feel you need the help, fight for it. Don’t wait like me until you’re in the back of an ambulance, not wanting to live through the pain any more. There is no award for suffering in silence. Today re-found many cysts and endometriosis adhesions in multiple areas of my body. … So yes , that pain causing my body to collapse and fit, the 24/7 chronic fatigue, and mental health struggles, ARE NOT NORMAL. Yes my diagnosis is a good, but the relief is indescribable

@parisaysabelle

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Since I was a teenager I’ve always had painful periods and was just told this was normal and to get on with it. I then started expecting painful intercourse as I got older and just knew something wasn’t right. I got diagnosed when I was 19 and have just had my 3rd surgery at age 25. Learning about Endo has been such a journey as it’s so under researched and I try to promote its awareness as much as I can. For me I used to suffer with the bloating, pain so bad I couldn’t stand, random bleeding, painful intercourse, and fatigue. Through trial and error I found out caffeine and vodka really trigger a flare up, I’ve also tried a keto diet to reduce my carb intake to help reduce the bloating. I’m now cycle syncing and have recently come off my contraceptive implant to try and control my symptoms more naturally and so far I’m doing okay but it’s all a big learning curve. The biggest thing for me is professionals almost don’t want to know and don’t often take you seriously 

I’ve helped raise money and awareness for Endo through photo shoots for an organisation my friend set up called making the invisible visible. It’s about showing the effects of invisible illnesses and we write words on our body that represent how our illness makes us feel but also how it makes us feel despite having the illness. I try not to let Endo define me as there is so much more to me than that but it’s so important to raise awareness for something that impacts 1 in 10 women 💛

@Charleyrodgers

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I have endo and adeno and it’s ruining my life it is under researched they just think it’s period pain and then their only solution is surgery which may relieve some symptoms not all as it grows back and they mistake for a hormone disorder when it’s a pain disability I can’t breathe properly walk sleep chest pains back pains bowl pain chronic fatigue and look physically sick when it flares up sending love and healing xxx 

@Christinajb_

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Endometriosis sucks! Sorry to be blunt, but some days I do not even want to get out of bed! I struggle to have sex, most positions kill me off, and I refuse, to leave my house until day 3/4! Men do not get it, Doctors do not get it, friends do not get it! It feels like people just think ‘It is a period, get over it’. It feels like people don’t want it to exist, and my work do NOT get it at all, no surprise, it is run by men!

Anon

The above is just 4 of the stories I was sent, and you can feel the hurt and anger that lies behind the misunderstanding of this illness.

Endometriosis for me is on my womb, my bladder, my bowel, its inside the cavity of the womb walls (adenomyosis), its fused my left ovary to the back of my womb, its left a ridiculous amount of scar tissue, making such a mess inside, its caused fibroids/ polyps, its led to a big mass (benign) on my right ovary, and cysts, its led me to 6 miscarriages, and it leaves me flooding with a simple sneeze. I cannot thank my ex enough, and any woman reading this who has a boyfriend, I think this illness, shows you just how good of a man you have, if they can help you shower, when you’re weak, scrub the mattress when you flood, and sit with you for hours in A&E, and understand his fave sexual position, may be your most painful, a good man is fundamental with this illness, because the anger, the pain, the passing out, the flooding, and the infertility is just to hard to deal with on our own, but we do because we’re women, and any shit life throws at us, we get through it, in all our glory, because we are WOMEN!

The Game..

TheGirlWho1 Comment

The game! Here is where we go wrong, I can write this, you can read it, but honestly it won’t change you or me…

Ok…

Girl meets boy, girl and boy chat nice things, sex things, marriage things. Girl goes on a date with boy, girl and boy have sex, girl goes home smiling. Girl texts boy to thank him for an amazing night, no answer, Girl calls boy in her lunch break, no answer. Girl texts after work, with deliver report on, still no answer from boy. Girl texts boy good night. Still no answer.

Two days pass, girl texts boy a few more times, still no answer. Girl thinks, has boy died? Is boy ok? Has boy fell down a mine and needs rescuing? Girl texts boy, “are you ok?” , no answer, girl is confused! Girl logs onto instagram, searches boy, boy updated status two hours ago, pheeeew! Boy is still alive! Girl thinks, maybe girl has done something wrong? Girl texts boy, girl apologises, for something, but not sure what, still no answer from boy! Girl over thinks, girl gets upset, girl cries, girl can’t eat, girl can’t sleep, girl feels sad.

Girls great auntie dies, girl texts boy to tell boy, still no answer, it gets worse, girls pet gerbil dies, girl texts boy, still no answer, girl cries again. Girl goes back to dating website, chats to more boys, but still girl texts original boy, girl thinks, girl compares all nice guys to boy, girl texts boy, still no answer….. Girl demands answers… Still no answer..

FUCK!!! When do we stop, this is what we do!! This is what us women do, I mean surely he is interested right? Surely he liked us right? This is what girls do… 

The best of it is, this situation isn’t just about boy??!!! It’s the challenge we like. Competitive or not, this is what we do! You could be the most beautiful girl on the planet, yet this will still happen with at least 1 or 2 guys in your life time, you could run your own successful businesses, yet still you become girl who lies on the couch not knowing what is going on! As women we like to win, we like to succeed, we like to know if there is a problem, because we are super human after all, we can fix anything, yes?

It’s not the boy that’s the goal here, it’s the contact! We need it, we fantasies about it, we feel we need it, in order to function! It’s the dopamine hit, the adrenaline, the addiction. Because every-time we speak to boy our dopamine levels are increased and we like that feeling, it’s the feeling we want and desire, not always the boy. Meanwhile boy is a big headed dick, who has just had his ego inflated even more. Sorry buddy, its not you the girl is chasing!!

Deep down, we know boy is a twat, not worth our time, any man who does that, is not worth it, good banter, good sex! Check your contacts girls, there are already several replacements awaiting your attention!

However none of them are boy! Boy becomes unreachable, and as humans we aim for what we can’t have! We desire what we can’t have.. We become addicted, an adrenalin rush, it heightens our sexual desires, wanting something we can’t have! We chase the thrill…

How do we stop this? How do we stop fantasising, that boy is having a bad week, and will get in touch, turn up with flowers, and be become the one… on rare occasions, after boy has fished around, boy does return, and does become mr perfect, maybe he did like you but was scared by commitment!!! Blah blah blah, I’m calling bull shit on that! If a guy is a genuine guy, he will want you, and no-one else. If a guy can fill your world with attention and disappear and have no thought about how much you like him, then what kind of human being is this?? Ghosting is cruel AF, and I hear it happening more and more. Guys will meet a girl, like a girl, but then a) Think the grass is greener b) be scared of liking the girl c) not feel ready for commitment … its quite simple. Men are a strange species, they think with their dicks, and when that initial lust dies, they want to move on, but guaranteed if you’re a good woman, they will orbit the fuck out of you, because they may like you a lot, and be intrigued by you, but overthink the situation massively. It’s like, part of them thinks Nah she’s not for me, but then there is a part of them, that is like ‘What is it about her’ , something even they can’t figure out, but their subconscious is perhaps more keen than they realise. 

Let’s think… I mean after all, as a sex, we are constantly over thinking to! What is it about boy, that makes him so special, if you took the chase out of it.. What is left? What can big offer you… He’s already shown you he bails? He’s already when you, that you are second to his über ego, yes already shown you, that he can hurt you, without a glimpse of guilt!! Is this the kind of man you need in your life? Was he really amazing, or was it just a big fat lie! To get you in his bed!

What we need, and I speak for myself here, is a man mature enough to know what he wants in life, a man to want love and happiness, and to realise maybe he does like the girl.. but men have so much variety at the touch of a button, and this is where it all goes wrong, because a man could meet mrs right forever, but still think he wants Mrs right now, fact is most guys are closed books even to theirselves, women can mess guys heads up to, they can wrestle with the weighing everything up, they will ponder back and forth, and sometimes reach the wrong decision without realising, but so can we, its called being human. We all fuck up, it’s part of the lesson of life, we let go of diamonds, men and women, sometimes we just don’t realise what we have at the time. This has happened a few times to me, I tend to date guys who are so laid back, they’re lay flat on their backs, and they can’t keep up with me, they find me immature, too chatty, too affectionate, but then they realise when they’re married off, or back being single, that wow she was really the best! I don’t say that easily, its just fact. Lets take Dave, now its been nearly 20 years since we dated, and every now and then he pops up, i’m sure he is on my block list on IG, but considering I have been moderately behaved in my 40 years, the return ratio of people reaching out every year or two, is bloody high. Some guys, I was never romantically involved with, but just have been in my orbit 10-20 years, like a strange little fixation, maybe I just bring energy to their day, but they watch every single work story I post, because the only way they can access me is via my work profiles. Odd!! The girls have a running joke, because it always happens, and it’s like they all like to keep a check on me, I like to think i’m memorable 😉 the daft, crazy girl from the midlands. The one they let get away and regret lol!

When I mentioned in last nights post, a lot of people hide behind a fake persona, and aren’t theirselves, and become who you want them to be, or who they think you want them to be, and with me I’m me, I don’t have nothing to hide, and I want longevity in love and friendships, so I say to everyone just be yourself, don’t play games, show who you are from the start, and there will be boys that love you and boys that don’t… boys that like you, and boys that don’t!

Remember girls, boys don’t see it as game playing, their fucked up, do they want it, don’t they want it mind, but yes its games, they can’t quite give you up, but then can’t quite decide if you are a 7 or 8, the deciding number! But girls, let’s evaluate this, as much as we can like boy, do we really need that dopamine hit that much, that it makes us feel shit, do we really need to be beating ourselves up, that perhaps we got way too close?? 

I recently found myself having levels of conversations, I don’t quite think I have had before, and whilst it excited the hell out of me, and I thought, maybe there is life after my ex, I then started to think, well if he can have this conversation level with me, how many more girls is he like this with, and that scared me, because I realised , fuck I like this guy, A LOT! Then the overthinking on the return path started, what if he thinks, i’m having this level of conversation with others, and this scared me off chatting to people! I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, shame, and quite disgusted with myself, I mean I hadn’t done anything wrong in hindsight, and in my own little Kerry world, I was really convinced something was there, and something was going to happen, so I invested and let my guard down, like I hadn’t before, and to be honest I spent a few weeks after not being able to eat or sleep, because I felt so disappointed in myself, the situation, in him, I had been blinded, thinking, this jigsaw piece actually matches on so many levels, wow, but sadly for me, (maybe I should say him tbh) he wasn’t on the same page, and I cringe with the ‘Its not you its me’ , first time for everything in life! I’m defo a sore looser and I think more so because what I felt and feel is/was genuine, but thats the thing, I guess I have never played the field so to speak, I have always been in a relationship, so never found myself in a situationship. I went on a date with another guy the other week, and all the way through, I was trying to be optimistic, see the positives, and I had , had the girls bang on, saying give it a chance, but as enjoyable as it was, I still couldn’t feel it, so I called a second date off… I just guess thats what life feels like right now, a big game, always someone dumping someone somewhere, because we’re indecisive and unsure who is right, who is wrong, who we want, who we don’t want, variety or monogamy, a good person, or a good looking person, we want packages that don’t exist, we want a human that isn’t yet on the market or possibly ever available. Social media has led us to this world of craving perfection, but does it really exist. 

Some days I know what I want, some days I change my mind, but I do know, I want me and my little boy to be happy, I don’t want to be with someone who can’t work out if they like me, my life experiences and heart deserve better than that, I am far from perfect, who is? But we are human, and beneath the falseness and external appearance, we have hearts, and anyone willing to play with those hearts, in their games, their orbiting, their ghosting, isn’t worth our time, respect and love, have to come from within, however hard it may be, however much you can look at someone and melt, they are not worth it! Save your heart and maybe , just maybe, prince charming will sweep you off your feet, maybe he will wake most days thinking off you, maybe he will think you’re worth a second date , maybe he will shower you with genuine compliments and affection, and can’t wait to hold you in his arms… and maybe just maybe, when you kiss, its something else, and a kiss both of you haven’t felt before, or in a long time, hold out your mind and body for that person….

Love 

Kerry xxx

Dating as a single parent V Dating with no kids

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Over 60% of Single parents want to meet someone with children of a similar age to their own, makes sense right?

However only 15% of single people without children would consider dating people with children, and this statistic reduces further so as you get to know that person.

When it comes to dating, especially app dating, people are seduced by what they see, and who they are physically attracted to, this obviously leads to chatting and then dating, so at this stage, its all fun, all smiles, all flirting!! Perfect… surely!! For the single life of people without kids!!

Now throw into the mix, the guy or girl who starts to want more, but you only have a limited amount of time, you have your child half the week, and you do want to see them, but have to be realistic! Those with kids will be more understanding, and those without kids, will like you a lot, but eventually the jealousy and issues start to creep in! Its fact!

Any parents priority is their child, and unless someone has been through the same, they are not going to truly understand, and true colours do show. We cannot be angry with someone for not understanding, why they will always be number 2 in our life, and when we date someone without children, of course initially they will say the right things ‘I love kids’ , ‘I want to date someone with kids’ , because they look at us, like we are a good loving source, we are settled, and obviously mature, because we have kids, and on top of that they fancy us, and like us, so will say they will welcome our children, however over time, the lack of spontaneity can be a huge issue, we can’t just drop our weekends, we have to cancel dates if our little one is unwell, we can’t date certain nights, because our kids. There is a whole lot for someone without children, to understand, so whilst initially it may seem like a good choice, and we hope they will understand, sadly it rarely works.

Dating as a parent, is something new, we only know how to date pre-children, and its a while other ball game, it’s new, and a difficult process to navigate.

Pre children its all about the sex, the desire, the partying together, how good you look together, now after children, we want and need all that, but the tick list just went off the frikking scale. What we really have to look at is, is this person right for my child? Dating as a parent, is not just dating for ourselves, we are dating for our ‘family’ , we are trying to find a suitor that will fundamentally become a big part of our childs life. How do we even attempt to get this right? I mean this is a huge fucking thing right? How do we know this person is a good human being! The problem with dating these days, is I see it myself time and time again, with men, and the women I work with to, people always appear nice, but after a month or two , this can fade and the real them can show, and this is the concerning factor, and in addition to this, just because someone has kids, doesn’t make them a good person either. Sound like pressure? Jesus!

We go on the most amazing date, feel the chemistry, and physically want and desire this person, but they live a party life style, have no kids, but they look soooooo good, I bet they even feel, and taste so good, every part of you wants them, desires them, but think about it, before it gets too deep, too connected, is this person right for my child/ children.

As I sit here now as a single mother, dating actually makes me feel anxious at the best of times, but seriously thinking about it, I have to be a grown up, put my big girl pants on, and think right, im dating for the two of us kid, because this is our future! I want to and need it right to get! The odds are against me, where do I find a plus 35 year old male, a good dad, into the same interests, loyal, and has kids, and would accept my kid, all whilst being a good human, hot as hell and great in bed!

As single parents, This is reality.. talking about bed time wee practice, school runs, and temper tantrums… not everyone gets it! We want to date like we’re in our 20s again, we may want to fuck about like we missed out in our 20’s and 30’s, but we are parents, and whilst we are entitled to our time, we also need to ensure we are not leading some potential on, by getting a few months or dates in and deciding they are not right for our children. The game has changed now folks! It may be our desires match a 7 but the match for our kids is a 10, we have to grow up now, be wise, and leave our own needs second!

Welcome to single parent dating…

Love – What does it mean?

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The one thing I know for sure, is feelings are rarely mutual, not everyone will meet on the same page..

So when we meet someone when the feeling is mutual, why are we still holding back, rather than dropping the game and hard to get facade, forget the bull shit of letting the negatives and overthinking set in, because what you’ve found with this mutual feeling, is something the rest of the world are chasing on a daily basis. Love is all we have ever needed, all we deep down have ever craved, yet these days we seem to take love for granted, has it lost its meaning?

When we find love and that connection, we should be taking a deep breath, a step forward and giving way to caution, and diving head first. Throw the rules out the window, opinions of others not matter, because girls and boys, love is rare, love will give you one hell of a ride, enjoy the lust, the passion, the infatuation.

We cross paths with potential suitors daily, some we are aware of, some we don’t notice, but when two worlds collide with such intensity, fuck common sense!!! This is all we need!!

As sexual beings, our lust and desire are intensified even more so with feelings, feelings just make everything run more smoothly.

What I have realised lately is love has no rules, no boundaries, it doesn’t just arrive a few months down the line, sometimes it can be instant, beyond a feeling of desire, it can take you by surprise when you never saw it coming, and blow you away, and its at that point we reach for fight or flight, to flee or not to flee… we start to question if we are ready for it, does it fit into our current life, what happened to just going with it and enjoying it. Have we started becoming scared of love, scared about the prospect of loving another person thats not ourselves. Are we becoming selfish not just to others but to ourselves to. Depriving ourselves of true happiness and being loved.

Love should be un-directional and a feeling of being independent and free with expression, but why isn’t it? Why when we feel something we start to feel shame, start to feel we cannot express how we feel, because of boundaries of time limitations, or scared of love bombing our potential other half!

The way in which love has changed through the generations, is demonstrated with phrases such as ‘I love you’ , its a phrase now that seems to be so freely signed off on a text or call to most people we care about, it’s almost as if without noticing and realising the repercussions, of diluting love.

These days, telling another we love them, feels like a passing comment, the words are shoved down our throat so much, that most of the times, its almost accepted that we don’t need to or want to hear it back. True love seems to be a thing of movies past, something the world aspired to, something we all wanted, but now we often run a mile. We love to love everything and everyone, but fear loving someone who could potentially change our future…

Love isn’t a plaster either, its not simply a bandage to use, to hold together a failing romance, it isn’t just a phrase to use, when the going gets tough, a lot of guys esp seem to struggle with the words, and many times they crop up, when its time for forgiveness and sorry, almost like ‘You have to forgive me,I love you’ I mean its a slip of the tongue, an a cling of desperation to make things right, again normalising us to do away with its true meaning.

True love should be defined, defined in a way that tells us in our hearts that we simply can’t loose this person in our life, and our face, our actions, and our reactions should demonstrate it, in all its glory. Love isn’t defined by materials, by sorry’s, by time.

We are only cheating ourselves on this one.. lets stop pretending we have no emotions, lets not pretending that we can’t be arsed with romance, or that its corny, lets learn how to feel again and lets make sure we really mean it, when we do say it…

Life and love is special, here before any materials, here before any hobbies, here before any careers, here before any social media, imagine if we gave the same amount of effort to love, that we did to everything else! Does anyone feel the world would be a much happier place??

ADHD through my eyes

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The Girl who does everything, more ups and downs than the pepsi max, the girl with an opinion on most things, the girl who has an answer for everything, and fakes it till she makes it if she doesn’t! I was put on this earth as a twin who sadly died, but I often feel I carry their energy around with me, because I have an abundance of energy, that even I ask where it. comes from. I was always convinced I had bi-polar, until I ADHD had my diagnosis, not quite as scary as Bi-polar but in itself a super power that I see as a gift, that enables me to spin around 20 plates at the same time. ADHDers basically have a brain that is wired differently to everyone else, it functions very differently, and whilst this can be a hinderance to some, to me I maximise every aspect of it to retain, grow and develop my life. My cognitive skills flourish in subjects I enjoy, and almost become dormant in anything I find mundane, I have a need to win and succeed, a million ideas come to my mind some I can execute, some I just can’t quite grasp, because my mind is already telling me no.

ADHD affects quite a few things in my life, however one thing I cannot multi task is dating, how can I run 3 businesses and have a full time job, but can’t ever really chat to more than one person at a time. There are plenty of readings out there saying people with ADHD find it hard to stay faithful, but I think when you combine ADHD with my past and views on sex, for me this is very different. For me personally i’m a huge believer in monogamy, I have an intense relationship with sex and love, and old fashioned in my views, when I love , I really do love, I have only fallen for a few people in my life, and even long term relationships, I have loved but not ‘fallen’ in love, yet I have met people and find myself questioning myself why I have such strong feelings for them after a few weeks of knowing them. However much we can question ourselves, there are somethings we will never know the answers to. What makes us wake up and reach for our phone to view that persons profile, to see if they have text us, what makes us wake up and think of that person, it’s weird, and I guess it’s those subconscious moments, that really show what we really feel. There have been times in my life, I have convinced myself, nope they are not my type, nope it won’t work, but still they are under my skin, in my head, and I find myself absorbed in them, this isn’t ADHD , This is a spiritual connection, beyond physical lust, our brains and soul telling us, and trust me there have been men in my life, I have fucking hated this happening with. I met Mark in 2005, and moved to Manchester after 3 weeks of knowing him, then there was Manuel 2013, and both of these, were no good for me, and never became long term relationships, both just long term lovers, but the intensity was on another level. I mean I have loved in the past, I adored David my childs rather, loved him so very deeply, and always will, he is the father of my child, but whilst our sex life was incredible, the love was different, and yes it led to long term, but the passion fizzled out, and I find myself now single and not knowing who I want, or even if I want anyone at all. I can’t even see myself with a regular lover, because I know the next person I sleep with I will like them enough to take that next step. It is very difficult to not be seduced by excitement, after having sex with one person for 7/8 years, but sometimes you have to take a step back and work with your own body, your own mind, and learn to self love and appreciate.

ADHD people are typical risk takers with sex, and whilst sex excites me, I leave some things as fantasy, much easier then. They say ADHDers can make better lovers, because of hyper fixation, because of their addiction to wanting to orgasm and keep the duration going, we are addicted to dopamine after all, and what better way to achieve the ultimate fix, than through orgasm, fuck me, I can just keep going and going, Even knowing I will probably end up with cystitis for a week doesn’t stop me, lol! So when people have commented in the past or told me I am too much, I have be known to sulk, and be like FFS, but hey its nothing a toy can’t sort out, and putting on a show, often leads to another round anyway, so in some respects I often get what I want ha! Shame this doesn’t transpire to my relationship status.

ADHD can be found in 5% of us, and whilst I cannot sit here and diagnose you all, it takes more than just having 2/3 things in common with the tick list. Diagnosis isn’t easy, for me a clinical psychologist who has got to know me super well, gave me her initial thoughts, and from there it went to my GP, then to a questionnaire, then an interview and then to the board of psychologists, it wasn’t easy, its not like a GP. ticks a few boxes and suddenly just determines, you are asked about your childhood, your mannerisms, your quirks. For me personally I had an in-depth tick list

Never been able to play a musical instrument even though I tried so hard, it would never fully connect

Never been able to feel comfortable in social situations, unless I faked a big fat smile

Always over thinking

Always late

The most incredible long term memory, but constantly forgetting what I went upstairs for, or walked in the kitchen for

Always loosing things

Getting distracted super easy, I can sit there an do a to-do list, and ten minutes later, forget about my to-do list

Always forgetting to take pills, I can set alarms on my phone, have them on my desk, etc and still forget.

Not thinking rationally when my emotions are high, if i’m pissed off, i’m pissed off, especially if I think someone is being unfair, i’m a huge believer in fairness.

Avoiding friends and conversations, because I feel that it will take up too much of my time chatting, (this is something I have worked super hard on, because I just do not make enough time for those people that matter and love me.

Fidget constantly

Read the film plot to any film I watch because 9/10 I know I will no doubt become distracted at some point.

Compete with myself and others, I always used to think I was super competitive, but ADHD takes this. to the next level.

Difficulty concentrating

Impulsive shopping, and using shopping as a band aid, if feeling crap

Impulse decision making, again something I have hard on

Low frustration tolerance

Its a strange one, my ex didn’t ever really believe in mental health issues, as I was being diagnosed, he would just say, no Kerry thats just you, well of course its just me, lol, its not anyone else is it, a lot of people especially the over 60’s don’t want to see mental health, stuck in the 1900s mind set of ‘They’re barmy’ , such a cuntish way of thinking, anyone with depression or anxiety of anything ‘diagnosed’ isn’t real, because you can’t see it, and would rather label people bonkers and call it nonsense, but these are the same people that are probably racist homophobes to. People are Twats! Mental health awareness has become incredible and so advanced in the last 20 years, mental health has become part of our culture, an open culture, where we are all proud whoever we are in life, and say THIS IS ME!

Speaking to another of my long term exes recently, I asked him, would he change anything about me, and did my ADHD ever affect the 4years I spent with him, and his reply was – ‘Kerry you were different, but in a good way, because you pushed me to be where I am today, and we never stopped laughing and fucking’ !!! We only broke up due to his career taking off and him moving abroad, but I always like to ask exes what they thought of our relationship. One thing David recently said was, I was always busy, and he is super laid back, but I guess to some extent I did neglect our love, but post natal depression and PTSD also added to this, I would have to ask for a cuddle, when we went for meals he would be reading the news on his phone, rather than have conversation, so I got to a point and he did, of sleeping in separate rooms, and blaming his snoring, it’s amazing that you can live with someone and be around them day in and day out, and still feel so incredibly lonely, ADHD does make you feel rejection in a different way to the other 95% of the population, you take everything personally, its dressed up as saying you wear your heart on your sleeve, but wow, when you feel thrown in the rejection bin you can hit a real low, the same if you feel you’ve lost at something you really wanted to win. Sore looser is an understatement.

I would say if you can associate with any of this, you have nothing to loose by getting tested, because depending on the level of ADHD you have medication could really change your life… if you remember to take it 😉

If you have ADHD and want to write a guest post, contact me, as sharing is caring!!!

Love

Kerry xx