Tag: love life

The sheer pain of modern dating in 2025 – Level of Fickleness exceeds….

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Why Dating in 2025 Feels So Hard — From Someone Who’s Tired of Trying

I don’t know about you, but dating in 2025 feels like an emotional rollercoaster with no seatbelt. Everyone says they want something real — loyalty, love, connection — but most people don’t actually show up for it. It’s like everyone’s addicted to attention, but terrified of intimacy…. and no I don’t mean Sex, I mean real intimacy of getting to know each other…

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve opened up to someone, only to be met with mixed signals, half-effort, or silence. People ghost like it’s nothing now. They breadcrumb you with “good mornings” and heart emojis, but no real intention behind them. It’s exhausting — trying to keep faith in love when it feels like most people are just playing games, its bloody hard, and this is why it exhausts me and I just can’t physically chat to more than 1-2 people, I get brain fog, then I worry I am becoming the ‘Ghoster’ . So whilst people will always say ‘Kerry, why do you put all your eggs in one basker’ – the answer is, with my busy life, I do not have the capacity to spread myself thinly, chatting to multiple people.

1. 

Everyone’s Scared to Settle — But Not in the Good Way

It’s not that people don’t want love — they just don’t want to choose it. We live in this swipe culture where everyone’s afraid to settle because they think there’s always something better one scroll away.

It’s like no one actually stops to appreciate what’s right in front of them. They keep chasing the next dopamine hit — the next “spark,” the next crush, the next temporary distraction — instead of investing in something that could actually grow into something meaningful.

2. 

People Use Each Other Like Emotional Placeholders

I’ve learned the hard way that some people don’t want you — they just don’t want to be alone. They’ll talk to you, flirt with you, maybe even make you feel special for a while. But deep down, they’re not building a connection — they’re just filling a void, something so missing in them, and they often don’t even realise. I have been there myself, until I pushed on with my self awareness journey.,

When people have got what they needed — validation, comfort, a distraction from their loneliness — they move on. No closure. No honesty. Just silence. And you’re left sitting there wondering what changed, when really… they were never ready for anything real in the first place.

3. 

We Mistake Attention for Affection

The lines are so blurry now. Someone sends you flirty texts, watches your stories, and gives you compliments — and it feels like something, right? But attention isn’t the same as affection. Just because they choose to orbit you, doesn’t mean they are interested. Right now I have someone I find attractive and would like to get to know, floating around in my socials, however even after I sent my number several days ago, still haven’t had a message.. and actions speak louder than…. we all know the script!

People are experts at giving just enough to keep you hooked, but never enough to build something solid. They like the feeling of being wanted, but they don’t actually want to show up for you. And that’s the part that hurts — realising someone only liked the idea of you, not the real you.

4. 

Everyone’s Wounded, But Few Are Healing

We’re all carrying heartbreak, disappointment, and emotional scars. But instead of dealing with them, people just keep dating over their pain — hoping a new person will make them forget the old one.

That’s why there’s so much inconsistency out there. You can meet someone amazing, have real chemistry, and then watch them pull away because they’re still stuck in their past. They’re not bad people — they’re just broken and too scared to admit it. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less when they disappear. Pain is very real, but people just refuse to admit they need to heal, or are so blind to their hurt, through their own sheer stubbornness, that it becomes a never ending cycle.

5. 

It’s All Surface-Level — Until It Isn’t

Everyone says they want something real, but as soon as it gets real — when feelings get involved, when vulnerability shows up — people panic. They shut down. They ghost. They tell you they’re “not ready” or they “need space.”

It’s like people want the connection without the commitment, the intimacy without the risk. But love doesn’t work that way. You can’t get the deep stuff without showing up for the hard stuff too.

6. 

And Honestly? It’s Lonely Out Here

I think a lot of us are tired. Tired of being almost loved. Tired of situationships that feel like relationships until they don’t. Tired of giving our best to people who only give us their bare minimum.

Dating in 2025 feels like trying to build something real in a world where most people are emotionally unavailable. Where being kind, genuine, and loyal makes you feel like a rare species.

But you know what? I’d still rather be real than play the game. I’d rather keep my heart soft, even after it’s been bruised, than turn cold just to fit in. Because at the end of the day, I still believe that real love exists — it’s just harder to find among all the noise. This year with Mr Narcissist, I did feel even if for a few months, that the ‘Instagram’ type of love does exist, it was bull-shit! The jetting off on trips, and 100 roses dream, must only be delivered by love bombers, fantasists or a very very low percentage of men who truly want the dream to.

So if you’re out there, trying to love with your whole heart in a world that feels disconnected — you’re not alone.

We may be the minority now, but we’re the ones who’ll eventually find something real — because we never stopped believing in it

When ADHD and Narcissists date!

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The story of the Lion & The Giraffe….

Can those with ADHD really date a true narcissist successfully? I mean I say true narcissist because 2025 sees us using that word so freely. However imagine a true Narcissist, one that ticks every single box, a true narcissist combines ASPD, formally known as the term we coined ‘Sociopath’ – and imagine this person, who never believes they’re in the wrong, never feels or truly sees anyone else but theirselves , lies solum and waiting on their prey, waiting for their next supply, and who lives in a fake reality because anything that doesn’t feel like a high is surplus to them.

So lets look at the person with ADHD, the childlike, the fun, the passion filled, the excitable, the one who wants to fix everyone, and mend everything, the ultimate people pleaser. The kind warm loving ADHD’er the one who chooses to ignore red flags because they can see every negative in the world, and thinks they have the remedy and know how, on how to right wrongs, not even their own, but those of others. The type of people pleaser that will shower someone with so much love and affection….

The ultimate supply..

or

The perfect prey..

People with ADHD are often naturally drawn to narcissistic individuals in romantic relationships.This is because both personality disorders share many traits however take one as the angel and one as the devilish version… Impulsiveness, thrill seeking and competitiveness, and the ADHD’er able to understand more than most the narcissists full lack of empathy. ADHD’ers can struggle with empathy theirselves, because of the difficulties with their executive functioning, they have trouble recognising and regulating their emotions, which can take away their efforts and understanding, on the emotions of others. Quite often an ADHD can be straight to the point, almost rude, they don’t realise they do it, but when the words leave their mouth, it can cause panic when they realise what they say, albeit innocently. So as you can imagine, when someone with ADHD sees a narcissist, they often feel a strange common ground, and often wonder If the narcissist is ADHD to, as they recognise behaviour patterns, but lets face it, Narcissism is the evil big brother, the steroid version, of the very innocent ADHD traits, so of course the ADHD’er will feel there is common ground, not realising the danger that lies ahead with their innocent outlook on the situation.

ADHD is a neurological developmental disorder that affects self regulation and attention. Impulsive easily distracted and hard to stay focused, often with a need for speed and things to happen there and then. However all this is innocent, 99% wrapped in a loveable person, who wants to people please. Narcissists on the other hand, may have steroid version similar traits, however these are characterised by their grandiose self of self importance and constant need to be seen in that light and admired by all, they need validating by those lower than them, (In their eyes only) and they have zero empathy, because they don’t need to think about anyone but theirselves. They are controlling, manipulative and they use their minds wisely and their charm, to lure in the soft and the pure, into their orbit. Narcissism isn’t neuro-diversity, its a complex and dangerous personality disorder, which impacts every individual that surrounds them, from parents, to partners to their children. Narcissists can be hard to spot, and as mentioned many with ADHD will almost feel the Narc has ADHD. However common traits of a narcissist include:

A constant pre-occupation of visions and day dreams, of wealth, success, power and a family life where they hold the remote control.

A true belief they are special and unique and should only mix with people on their level, a constant need for hierarchy. Many Narcissists feel they are children of god, the feeling of special, can go off the scale.

A strong need for admiration and attention, a strong need for people to see them in a high position of authority and power.

An expectance of automatic control over other, and an expectance of others to obey and comply, and an expectancy of people to treat them ‘Special’.

An inner anger to be envious of others, and a constant feeling that others are envious of them.

A constant behaviour trait of exploiting others and manipulating others for their own gain, requirements and supply.

A split personality to the outsider, leading to outsiders never being able to settle and feel emotionally in control, as the narcissist can appear fickle and flippant, in what they want, who they are, and who they want to be with.

Narcissists can be both female and male, males tend to lead to more sociopath traits, and can often get involved in criminal activities, whilst females often get drawn into emotional and sexual manipulation of others.

The ADHD partner is the innocent Giraffe, head in the clouds, wondering the Serengeti, and the perfect prey for the Lion to take down, bit by bit, inch by inch, insult by insult… until eventually the giraffe is so damaged, its impossible to ever be able to walk on those long legs again, or dead… left as a carcus with no meat left, and surplus to the lions needs. The giraffe life changed forever, meanwhile the lion without empathy and with the notion of ‘I just needed my feed, its the circle of life’, moves on in the long grass ready for its next prey, feeding of snippets here and there, until they meet their next Giraffe.

The relationship between both disorders, starts off in a term ‘Euphoric’ for both parties, The ADHD’er has every single supply the Narc needs, and the Narc provides the perfect ingredients of love bombing, that gets the ADHD’er hooked. In fact, let’s scrap ADHD/NARC, let’s simply use LION for the Narc and GIRAFFE for the ADHD’er. Its so much easier, and we hate titles!! The chemistry between the two is mind blowing, for both, out of this world, the Lion gets the Giraffes needs perfect, and the Giraffe gets the Lion more than anyone ever has.. Its a sexual match made in heaven! For people with ADHD, narcissists can provide excitement and stimulation, which can counteract their boredom levels, because lets face it ADHD’ers hate being bored and often get frustrated. ADHD’ers are drawn to the attention and grandiose of the narcissist and pop them up on the peddle stool, exactly what the narcissist needs.

Giraffes struggle In life with various elements for instance spotting red flags, this makes them susceptible to the Lions manipulation. Lions exploit the emotional dysregulation that giraffes can often struggle with, leading to a pattern that is beyond dangerous, and will leave the giraffe walking on egg shells, and feeling beyond anxious, and scared, of the Lions mood, the lions feelings and never knowing what side of the bed the Lion is going to wake up on. The poor Giraffe will feel like they are sinking, unable to think of anything, through pure anxiety and fear, of the unexpected, and anyone knows those with ADHD struggle with the fear of the unknown. The emotional abuse and exploitation that can exacerbate already present difficulties, can lead to the most incredible sense of anxiety and depression, that the ADHD’er may have never felt before, so it can bring immense confusion and sadness to the positive ADHD’er.

Giraffes often have problems asserting theirselves, and this can be part of their softness, however this is putty in hands to the Lion, as they can push boundaries beyond the normal levels, and to the point the giraffe doesn’t have any because they are so worn down, with trying to set boundaries, but never being heard by the Lion. They will start off really trying to firm up their boundaries, yet the more and more the lion doesn’t listen, they feel backed into a corner and think, why bother?

Giraffes as we know have difficulties maintaining attention and can often have memory problems, especially short term memory. This is a key tool for the narcissist to who play on these memory problems to exploit the ADHD’er and they will take advantage by gaslighting to the full max of this situation, and psychologically manipulate the ADHD’er to make them question their own memory, perception and sanity. For instance and I have seen this myself the narcissist will deny conversations that occurred, and twist the truth to suit their narrative. For instance, a conversation factually for me, I was told, “Oh yes I rescued my friend from a brothel, and paid for the lads to go to the brothel”, so when I asked ‘Have you ever slept with a prostitute?’ I was told.. NO! Fact! Fast forward 3 months later a conversation that was completely normalised, became ‘Yeah of course I’ve slept with prostitutes, I told you this’ – I tried to argue I hadn’t been told, and was told ‘You don’t listen, I told you’ … leading me to rewind and rewind and rewind, over the initial conversation, and NO, it was not my fucking memory! However just being told that left me anxious, disorientated and almost feeling I needed to write down and document everything, as my self defence. To be honest I could of recorded the initial conversation, and he would of still tried to convince me, I was wrong and he was right.

Giraffes will love their lion at their worst, at their lowest, at their angriest, the giraffe can witness their lion eating another giraffe and still the giraffe will remain, because their love for their lion is so true, so pure and so real. However the Lion will not ever see this, because as all narcissists do, they only ever measure their own feelings, and do not have the capacity to feel, recognise, or appreciate others love. The giraffe will not care for what the Lion used to have, what prestige or title they have or had, the giraffe will fall in love with the heart of the lion, and this again another danger, because the Lion in their grandiose doesn’t want to be seen let alone loved at this low level, they aren’t accustomed to, the lion only wants the rest of the Serengeti to see them on pride rock, at the top of their game, at the top of the hiecharchy, so knowing the giraffe sees them at their most vulnerable, at the start the Lion will appreciate that, when they have a sense of fake reality, the sense that they don’t need to be up on pride rock showing off, however when pride takes over and they need to be seen, valued, little giraffe, how could they love that pathetic wonderer who isn’t up on their rock, giraffes should love their Lions when they’re up on their pride rock, where they want and need to be, and where everyone looks up to them, even giraffe. You see there will never be an equal part in their relationship, the Lion will always only ever go as low as 51/49, because their sense of needing to be seen in their hierarchy and at the top of the board, will always come first. Narcissists needs to feel above everyone else, even the ones who love them the most.

ADHD’ers, it’s a known fact, can often posses a level of low self esteem, which more than often stems from past traumas, and the sad fact of this, is they are far more tolerable of abusive behaviours the narcissist will put their way. The Narcissist will start with, hmm lets call them baby insults, the softened blow such as ‘I say it with love, however you have such a pretty face, but if you had your teeth done baby it will change your whole face and make you prettier’ – See anyone reading that, (bar for the narc theirselves) can see its a vile and hurtful insult, but in the moment, the ADHD partner won’t see that, it will stimulate their people pleasing notion, and they will start to think without realising ‘Maybe I do need my teeth doing’. This is how it starts, the undoing of the ADHD’er the Narc gaining control. In my own personal case it was followed with, I can’t deal with your job it reminds me of this, it triggers this, I need you to give it up. Followed by, awww baby, you tummy tuck scar, is so bad, why is it like this. In my head I was like “Its actually a brilliant scar only 14 months old so not faded white yet’ – The next about my boobs, so I went for a consultation, and the insult following that was ‘If you tie a brick to this one, and tie a brick to that one, then throw the brick over your shoulder, it will pull them up?? Ok… I mean here is a few sentences of a personal snap shot. However a true Narc cannot even see the wrong in what they say, and if you dare confront them… ‘You’re hard work’ , ‘You’re combative’ – even though just as any human being, you are simply doing the very basics of defending yourself.

ADHD’ers are the type of individuals who simply make it their quest to help, to help support and to think they can help others, to anyone in the world the ADHD’er will have a heart of gold, may be annoying, however they’re good people, its within them to want to help. However to a sociopath or narcissist, their goodness is massively undervalued, and they can irritate the Narc immensely, and unless the Narc goes away and deals with their inner anger and issues and pick up some serious CBT skills, the whole combination is beyond dangerous for the ADHD’er , because as we have covered already, the Lion will simply drag the giraffe down, slowly, painfully, until the ADHD’er and everything that once shone for them, is beyond damaged.

At the end of it all, it is possible for the two of them to work, and potentially have something Euphoric for life, but it’s crucial the ADHD’er is wide awake, and crucially, aware of the risks the ultimate predator possess. The euphoria will only truly work, when the narcissist knows their behaviour is abusive, and pushes and known they need to correct their behaviours, and also when the narc knows, that true love is about choosing someone other than theirselves, and showing up. Sadly the ironic thing about researching this is that the giraffe will always find happiness, yet the Lion often dies lonely… surrounded by superficial, and never truly being happy inside, happy who they’re with, and happy with their lives. They truly struggle more than any disorder out there to truly love others, and when they feel true love, it’s not as exciting as the honeymoon ‘being in love’ , so it fails to impress them, it fails to mean anything to them, and rather than choose that person, like we all do in the second phase of love, they dispose of them, or cheat on them and leave them sat at home disrespected and hurt.

The relationship of the Giraffe and Lion, could be totally described by both as a meeting of souls, a true soulmate, however it takes two of them working hard and showing up, and most often the Lion disposes yet later in life will regret letting go of their ‘Soulmate’ in the giraffe, but what goes around.. comes around, and karma always follows through..

Are there benefits to Celibacy?

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Pro’s and Con’s of Celibacy

Celibacy, abstinence, no sex, lots of sex, regular sex…

Yes I can almost hear your minds right now, reading that title, who in their right mind?

Celibacy has its pro’s and con’s and no therapist or human being can tell you, life with your legs shut tight, is healthy, I mean maybe against STD’s, however we are naturally wired, to crave and desire sex.

Sex positively impacts the body, improved immune system, reduced blood pressure, reduced stress levels and a a reduced risk of cardiovascular events, plus the high majority of individuals (hopefully nearly all) enjoy it! In men alone, regular ejaculation can improve prostrate health, A 2018 meta-analysisTrusted Source found ejaculating two to four times per week had associations with a lower risk of prostate cancer. So come on… Sex wins again doesn’t it?

For females, frequent sex again, either with a partner or solo, can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles that support the bladder. This can improve bladder function and reduce incontinence. I mean if you’ve had kids, this again surely a benefit?

Measured in mental health surveys, a recent 2020 survey actually found regular sex can lift depression and anxiety, where as bouts of abstinence can lead to a feeling of loneliness, a feeling of being unwanted, and whether preference or not, it can lead to bouts of depression.

However, lets take time to think about this, my own journey of celibacy has been an interesting one. As a woman who has such an open mind and high sex drive, why would I opt for celibacy?

Now, trust me, its not for not wanting sex? I miss good sex! However it has more to do with the journey of self love, self appreciation, appreciating, what giving my body away, truly means.

Celibacy in itself is a reward, and although may seem like endurance and a form of punishment to oneself , it really is a chance to heal, nurture and protect your mind, body and soul. Don’t be afraid to belong to you, we often find ourselves belonging to others, and pleasing others, however this is giving others power over our bodies and who we are. If we look at celibacy as a way to keeping our own power and a healing tool, an opportunity for internal growth. Celibacy is used in many cultures and paths in life. Many people feel by maintaining celibacy is will strengthen their relationship with God or higher power. Celibacy can give more energy to dedicate to spiritual practices. If we look at hinduism and Buddhism , their culture views it as a way to detach from desires and addictions, and sees celibacy as a cleanse and rebirth.

For me, and many other celibacy is a time for self reflection, self nurturing and a chance to explore and understand oneself. It can help with emotional maturity and emotional stability, allowing you to take a back seat and view decisions you have made, and what you would do differently, we can harbour the energy for growth and personal goals, and for clarity and clear thinking, which in itself eases mental health pressures.

Celibacy is a personal journey and only we can enter celibacy off our own backs, only we can make decisions like that to know we have the own power to control, and be in charge of our own strengths. Whether we opt to try it or give it a miss, I personally think over our life time its worth doing the journey at least once, and whether it be for a few weeks or a few months, give your body and mind enough time to see and feel the benefits. You’ll thank me later…

Breadcrumbing Vs Ghosting – Are we all addicts?

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We cannot even Eenie, meanie, mo this one, because the 2024 get of men, don’t provide a 3rd option. Yes I speak for the masses on this. I recently posted on a ‘Dating group’ filled with 100k women, and the post went off the scale..

Initially I thought is this an age bracket issue, but hell no, this is age irrelevant.

Recently a lawsuit was filed in California against a very well known dating app, stating that its platform is designed to cause addiction. Having worked in corporate roles myself for two of the biggest adult gambling businesses, I spent a lot of time understanding just how the house wins, how the player is manipulated and how addictions are formed. Whilst studying I worked on a project about how a certain social platform was indeed designed to cause addiction. Our very own chemical processes manipulated for financial gain, and neither gambling, social or dating apps, give a fuck, yet daily, suicide after suicide from everyone of those avenues, but do these large corporations care?? No because we’re say paying for memberships, paying a board in CA to live their very best life, at the expense of us all, but most of all at the expense of real love.

With any addiction, people do not realise just how addicted they are.

Lets side by side..

A player goes 50/50 black or red, opts for red, wins, has a sensational feeling, a complete adrenalin fix leading up-to that win, and then that warm feeling of dopamine kicking in when they do win, what happens next, the rare few maybe walk away, thank the lord, they’re up, and feel blessed with their win, but a very very high majority with the attitude, ‘I want that fix again’ , ‘I could win more next time’ , ‘I can here with nothing will leave with nothing’ …

Now lets flip that side by side..

A player goes on a dating app, he swipes left on many girls, but swiped right on 5 other players, all gorgeous, they start a chat with all, but one stands out, they place their bet, they chat intensely, adrenalin pumping, sexual tension exciting, they arrange a date, date goes amazing, adrenalin is crazy through the roof, they ago home, they kiss, or even have sex, the moment, the chemistry, the pure raw dopamine, feels amazing, the next day, – again the very are few think – ‘Ive met someone special here, going to see what happens. The vast majority, feel smiley, a little happy, but as their dopamine levels naturally drop back down, they don’t realise, so they automatically presume, ‘No they’re not my one’ – again not realising this is all chemical, so instantly they want the fix again, and they wonder, I wonder if the other 4 matches have messages so log back on the apps, whilst there lets swipe again.. wonder who else is out there.

😳

It’s dangerous, and even those who feel they are the most confident, aren’t, something in them has an insecurity even if they shout to the world ‘Hey Im mr/mrs confident’ , something in them, forgets that people they date are human beings, and this… is what leads to breadcrumbing and ghosting.

So we have been here before discussing this, but what is the worse, now we can either leave another human being hanging on a ledge, for if we decide to return, maybe a day we need a pick me up, or maybe a day we’re in their area and fancy some fun, or we can totally ignore someone like they’re invisible… like they are not human, like we feel we are so much superior we can treat another human, with a heart like that. I cannot lie, I’ve never breadcrumbed anyone, but I have ghosted, and that’s because I have been a coward, and not wanted to hurt someone, but then at the same time, I was so wrong for presumming they wanted anything anyway 😂😂!!!

So what is breadcrumbing? Breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation, when someone makes out they are interested but deep down aren’t, they lust you, that’s it, they want nothing more. Sometimes people who breadcrumb, don’t even mean to manipulate on purpose, as strange as it sounds, they are genuinely unsure what they want In life. The standard situation, is they give a little of their time, here and there, when you try and break away, they offer their excuses, as to why they aren’t more available, they say, well walk away, but I like you. You will know when its bread crumbing, because after a month in, you will know nothing about them, they stop liking your instagram images, and they stop watching your story, they don’t give a fuck about your life and what you are upto, and girls you have to realise, you are a last resort here, an option, and most of these men, not all, but most, have underlying issues, they like the idea of an everlasting love, but they’ve either been coupled up in a long term relationship that ended, or are in mid-life crisis mode. However guys who breadcrumb, will give you a bit of time here and there, and they simply can’t give no more, because in the time they’re away they’re spending time on Instagram liking other women, chatting on whatssap to others, and swiping to boost their ego. They simply have a new flavour of the week, and when they get bored, will return.

So what is ghosting and how does it differ, I mean either way at this point, the word ‘Dick’ should have crossed your mind. However ghosting, is just as RUDE, but I have done it myself, rather than prolong the agony, and be undecided, I pretty much decide straight away, if i’m in or out, and I simply never have the heart to really say, no this isn’t for me, I kind of just drift away, don’t get me wrong, sometimes I have said it, but sometimes, I’ve simply archived and blocked, because I just don’t want to hurt someone. Another thing personal for me is ADHD, I simply forgot to reply. My current whatssap is at ’17’ unread, and that’s not me being rude. I’m just personally a nightmare. Ghosting echoes past rejections, it brings a feeling of self questioning, one minute everything fine, next, are they even alive? It leads to questions ‘What did we do’, ‘Is there something wrong with me’, and ‘Am I good enough’ .. and that’s the sad thing about it all. Yes you are good enough, but that person, you admired, doesn’t admire you. However because they haven’t told you, you don’t know the truth, so you hope for the best, but still, left on a cliff edge, however after time there is a finalé to it, you come to realise, yep their loss.

So if you ask, what is worse, breadcrumbing or ghosting? It has to be breadcrumbing, because people are toying with someone else’s heart, and not letting go, and to treat another human like this is so wrong, but leading someone on, is as low as it can be, because keeping someone hanging whilst we are unsure, isn’t kind. Years ago people used to value others emotions, others feelings, however in todays swipe culture, people don’t care.. people care about their body count, their own self sense of validation in the world.

The Cycle

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Your heart skips a beat, you swipe right, and guess what ‘It’s a match’ – there really is something about that uncertainty surrounding that Right swipe, that is part of the hardwire of our brain, a primal drive to find a mate.

When a match happens, the reward pathway is activated, our Brains Ventral Tegental Area which is part of the brains reward system, that makes dopamine a neurotransmitter, that gets us on edge, alert, energised and focused, the brain memorises this pleasurable experience, and looks to seek it out again and again, almost as if this is a rush from a line of cocaine, its an addiction through and through. In addition to this being wanted and admired, gives us a feeling of love which pushes our level of oxytocin, a bonding hormone, through the roof, and it brings down our cortisol levels, so we feel less stress, and boy, is this a good feeling. So are we to blame each other for the 3 week stagnant period when perhaps those levels deplenish a little, its a chemical reaction that leads to the ‘My heads a mess, I’m not sure what I am feeling here’ – A level of confusion, we like this person, however the dopamine levels are reducing, and we don’t feel as excited, is it because we don’t like this person as much as we thought we did? Do we like them? Maybe not? Maybe I need to jump on the apps, and find someone who gives me that feeling again?

And so…

We have a cycle… and overwhelming need to feel that something special long term, not realising, that its all down to fucking chemicals…

There are so many posts on groups such as ‘Are we Dating the same Guy’ – of women wanting to know, why men constantly seek the 3 week love affair, then vanish, like they never existed…

The answer is here girls… the change in levels of hormones is the factor here, men are not naturally self aware like us, and if there are men out there, its because they have been on the journey of therapy, and. probably had a trauma in their lives that have pushed them to understand theirselves, but most men, are so reluctant to even communicate with theirselves, let alone others, so they could have the girl of their dreams on their arm, but then suddenly, start to question, why things feel a little different, why they feel different, and look to their new girl, and automatically think ‘yep, you’re not the one’ – when really they could be, but the confusion in their minds leads to the whole ‘Its not you its me’ conversation.

So next time someone bins you off, goes from ‘You’re the one’ , to ‘I’m not ready for this’ – this person is not deserving of you, because they are not self aware, and not ready to see what happens when the dopamine dips, not ready to just go with it, because they crave the fix of the chase and match..

You are worth more…

To Ghost or To be Ghosted

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The dreaded word, the word that takes us from feeling incredible, to a piece of shit! Questioning, are we worthy? Are we not likeable, do they not fancy us? Lets face it its fucking horrible.

However that’s from one side of the fence, what about the people we have ghosted, see we never think about that, do we! However I recently had a big wake up call on this. A lovely lovely guy I had started chatting to was great, handsome, I mean this guy would have been a hottie on Love Island, and he clearly liked me, lived in my area and we crossed paths, and matched on a dating app to, however I couldn’t ignore the fact he was 8 years younger than me, he had kids, so there was maturity there, but still, the age gap got to me, and after a few weeks talking, I did, I’m afraid to admit, go quiet on him. After a few days, I received a really long message about how rude I was, and how disappointed he was, and I couldn’t help but respect his message, even if it was hard hitting. It was a message I had typed out a few times to people, but never had the guts to send..

The emotional pain, caused by ghosting, can be a lot more traumatic, that what it seems on the surface. Think about this girls, the intensity of the last chat, the excitement, or even the last date with that person, to then have nothing, its like raising our dopamine (or theirs) to the highest peak and then crashing it to zero.. life feeling so perfect, then nothing. Every text they send/ you send, raises a smile, makes our heart skip a beat, then suddenly nothing, and the best thing about all of this is, its not always the person, at the other end of the phone that we are addicted to, its the hit their contact gives us, we are/ or they are, addicts, addicted to that smile, that excitement of receiving your text, so when the contact stops, cold turkey sets in.

As time passes, the overthinking kicks in, what did we do wrong? are we god enough? what did I say? They may change their hinge image, their profile picture, so you know they aren’t dead, and they haven’t blocked you, so why aren’t they replying! However remember its in this moment, you should realise, it’s not the person you are missing, it’s the attention and the good feel, you’re missing, not them.

A survey of 5,000 people conducted by Forbes Health found that 76 percent of participants had either ghosted the other person or had been ghosted themselves when dating. WOW! It’s a surprise anyone is even talking hey!

With ghosting, the not knowing can be more overwhelming and upsetting, than the actual knowing, because as human beings we naturally ponder on our thoughts, and however optimistic, our default is set to negative it seems, our minds want to know more, and this drives overthinking, which leads to a deep anxiety, which can worsen our already disheartened symptoms. Sat there trying to piece together the jigsaw, and wonder what the missing piece is.

Ghosting can also lead us to feel rejected, and that can open the pandoras box of past trauma, a time when we failed, a time when we were dumped, a time someone in our life, simply didn’t want us, this person who has spent 5 minutes in our world, can open up the most traumatic memories, by simply choosing to ignore us, and again, we can do the same to others by rejecting them.

Ghosting can also almost feel like we are also confirming our inner doubts on ourselves. We all, and it doesn’t matter how confident we are, sit there and think at times, am I good enough, so when we face being ghosted, sometimes for individuals, this can almost act a reconfirmation for what they may be thinking, so we can truly amplify someones inner self doubt, and make them feel not good enough. It may also lead people to doubt that they can truly judge people, was it all fake, have they been duped, are they stupid? How did they not read the room? How could they fall for that person? How could they have not seen it coming? So not only does the gravity of not feeling aesthetically good enough feel, the feeling of stupidity and naivety can actually make us feel even worse.

Nobody likes the thought of rejection, let alone social rejection with someone we do not even know, our brains feel the physical pain, like a real break up with a long love, it associates, and like I stated, opens a pandoras box of emotions.

People ghost for various reasons, we only have to look at how and why we ghosted, to find the answers. Someone can be so attracted to you, but simply not be ready for a relationship. I guess with me, I don’t even know if I am ready for a relationship, so it gets so far, and yes I go quiet, if I feel their is pressure then I go quiet, but I know that’s my issue, and I know that sooner or later there will be an energy match there with someone, that I won’t want to disappear on. Sometimes it could simply be, that the person has luckily found their energy match elsewhere, and sometimes it could just be they’re a fucking player.. it is what it is..

Following my recent lesson, and hmm, telling off, I realised, Yes I’m a kind person, so however hard it may be to write the words of rejection, that good person deserves to know I am not interested, because it will give them an acceptance, and not leave them lost in their thoughts, so deep down, lets be kind, lets say it black and white, because words can be kinder than ghosting…

What are you looking for, looks or personality?

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I mean do we know the answer to this? One day it can all seem so clear, we know exactly, and then the next, it’s like hmmmm!!

Even in my sexual prime, I’m at a stand still thinking, I cannot be arsed with this! Ok, lets correct that., I can be arsed with sex, Jesus, however its what comes after that! I struggle to go from APP to text and then the impossible seems to be meet! The need for touch is very real, but the need for stress is not so real.

You get me?

Ok so, we all have a type, yes? I’m rather specific, perhaps too specific, oh maybe who am I kidding, they’re all bloody clones of each other. Although recent guy, lovely person, a Barrister from Manchester, great chat, and totally admired the field he practised in, however in the words of my best friend ‘I think he gives you the ick’ , I mean I’m not 100% sure on that, but he was very different looking than my normal type, but I think she meant in the chat, as he seemed to agree with me, and if I said black was my fave colour, there is a high probability he would of said the same, something just did not feel right in our chats, and maybe because my heart is elsewhere, however it did make me think, what am I actually looking for? How do we strike the balance, between kind and genuine, but not too soft!

I mean who we think we want in our heads, do not always match up to who our hearts and sexual beings desire. We have this image in our heads, 6ft 2, dark thick hair, good arms and athletic shape, and nice eyes and lips, (ok I told you I was specific and probably describing the man I’m infatuated with there, (well no probably, I am), however, why do I find myself sexually drawn to those who aren’t my type, and girls we have all been there, plain old Joe blogs, giving us the flutters! We deny it and think ‘WTF’ but isn’t chemistry a strange thing.

We all want that mate, who is easy live with, stress free and looks good, but I don’t know if you’re like me, I have had that, and the first few years are fabulous, but statistics have shown, those stress free relationships we have all craved, when we get them, actually lead to the biggest infidelities of all. Its getting the cocktail just right isn’t it, having a bit of that, but also needing that obsession with them to, we can love and like, and have great sex, but do they drive us wild? Are they a fantasy and someone who would probably test us and change our world a little, yes we may be in the safety of Mr or Miss nice, cosy nights in and cuddles on the couch, and good sex, but what if we went for wild sex, someone out the box, someone who drives us wild. Have you ever met someone, and even though you’re friends, every time you stop and talk to them, your head is saying ‘Kiss him’ – Yes he may be married off, but the intensity of wanting him, can be crazy, so much so you have to force yourself to not think him and ban him from your head, now that us the shit that will get me settled down!

Take the show ‘Love is blind’ – the concept of this show, is strangers talking for hours on end through a wall, and over 3 weeks of fall in love with the person that they have never even lay eyes on, I mean this is tough, they cannot even describe their physical attributes, its an experiment based on getting to know someone for who they are, and OMG I have been here, I was surprised at the time, but I had a head start, I had matched this person, and our kiss after our first date has been something else, but the relationship (ok situationship) developed through hours and hours of texts and talk, to the point I was shocked at what feelings I had, I had fallen in love, so when the ‘Its not you its me’ chat came from him, it actually effected me like a real break up, I lost weight and I never wanted to chat to a guy again, and this was just one date, but calls and texts every day for months, so the concept of ‘Love is blind’ actually is so amazing, because again this guy was good looking, but line him up against previous exes and he was a good 7, but not the type you’d be like WOW, and I think this guy had a fondness for me, but he settled elsewhere, and whilst part of me is probably still a little in love, we have to move on, and I did and have, but Guess in life there will be these people that we are drawn to and they may not be the normal type we go for, but what if something had of developed?

Sexual attraction is a desire to become sexually involved with someone. While it often occurs alongside romantic attraction, they are not the same. Sexual chemistry can happen without a romantic attraction, and this can be a real problem, because the evolution of dating apps, draws us to who we are sexually attracted to, without knowing the person, (do we ever read the BS in bios) , and sometimes as much as we can be, wow he’s fit, once we get chatting, we can tell pretty quickly if there is going to be longevity in the conversation, and once we realise there is no romantic long term spark there, we move on very quickly.

I guess we just have to choose wisely and hope one day we strike a balance, and we will know, because when we find our true life mate, it won’t be because its easy, because its relaxed and no drama, it will be when sex with anyone else will never enter our minds, and we aren’t doing our best like a dog with a bone, to bury the thought of someone else.. because however much we try, we cannot live a life banning someone from our thoughts… so don’t move in till that mind is free… and also never just settle, for what we think our minds want and need, lets listen to our bodies to.. it all has to connect!

Are we Dating the Same Guy

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Yes I have been a bit MIA, however I feel, I have been on a bit of a journey, or should I say experiment, in order to obtain material, for more juicy posts.

The story of dating in the 2020’s… the rise and popularities of these groups, has brought a lot of women expectations on availability to a fucking full stop! FOREVER! However a few months later, we try the apps again, and crash, bang, wallop, we’re back in the same spot.

What is failing us ladies in 2024 dating, we sit their overthinking, and taking everything so personal, however my journey of dating and sharing the experiences of others, as made me and again others, come to the realisation, that the divide amongst the sexes has never been bigger.

As women we are at a point where we even look to lower our standards because we try and meet ‘a nice guy’ – well ALERT Girls, that will not be happening again in a rush! I mean I’m not saying being fucked over by a 9/10 is any better, but wow, we are just here as lab rats boosting the self esteem of guys we wouldn’t normally look at, and their ego’s are making them think they’re an 11!!!

The way I see it, and friends of mine see it, is they’re all just fat kids in a sweet shop, hungry and greedy, the little Augustus Gloops of the adult dating world, with their dirty hands spread muck and filth and stickiness across everything in their path! We really need to be more Willy Wonka and fuck these greedy kids off, yet as women, it seems to be in our DNA like some big life impairment that we think we will be the ‘one to make a difference’ 😂😂😂😂 , we want to be the Mary Poppins and save all the children!

The rise of ‘Are we dating the same guy Groups’ gives dating a bit of a safety net and a comical view, what on earth has society become, that we have to beg for information on the guy we have just matched to. There feels a real sadness that women have to resort to this, but at the same time, there should be a realisation that we are enabling this, it is a vicious circle. The new circle of life, hope for love, give our minds and bodies to these guys who seem genuine, in the hope they’re the new ‘one’ , and get fucked off! They are all 3 date wonders max girls! Why? Because when we open up and give our mind and even our bodies, to them, its a notch, a body count’ and the next one is just a swipe away. So all these middle aged men and lets face it, some only a 6/7 at best, with their love handles, hair systems, and botox’d to death faces, think they’re Gods fucking gift! I noticed this year, I thought ok, lets chat to guys I wouldn’t normally look at, and Jesus, I think they’re the worse! Growing up average at best so not having the best of luck with women, then suddenly make a bit of money and have a glow up, and they’re banging (or trying to bang) anything that moves. Dating to these guys has become a hyper fixation, a woman a day, keeps the ugly guy at bay! We are feeding their EGO’s girls.

Sadly I feel dating apps and the swipe culture has killed, what we know as romance, I think we are truly past the point of no return.. and I don’t say that easily. We are in a throw away society and this isn’t just about the clothes we wear on our back, we have become just as disposable, and our hearts and souls, and goodness as the women we are, are just enabling it to happen more and more.

‘Are we dating the same guy’ Groups, Christina Wang of Virginia Beach, murdered her husband after he appeared on ‘Are we dating the same guy’, Then a group post led to a woman being murdered by her ex she shared info over, and recently in May 2024, an Irish guy was driven to suicide because someone posted about him, thankfully he survived, but what are we all doing to each other, we should be making Love not War, but this does truly feel like a war of the sexes, Man Vs Woman, we are dicing with death, just to find out if guys are good guys, when sadly around 70% of men 30-45 are not wanting to be in relationships. Guys are bored of relationships it seems, they are living the Wayne Linekar lifestyle, pulling women 15-20 years younger than them,, they are living their best dream, and technically there isn’t anything illegal in the way they are living their lives, but as women, perhaps we are the ones who need to realise, Mr Marbella 2024, has found his own path, and even a 10, isn’t going to pursuede him otherwise. They may give the spiel, how they want cosy nights, want a partner in crime, or … wait for it… a ride or die, I recently got told! Come on Lols at that! However one of the sad things about these groups is, they should be ANONYMOUS, but because guys have friends, family, potentials, on these groups, wanting to score brownie points, post after post is being shared with the guy, and what a shame, I feel they’re out of control now.

Deep down I know for a fact that some of the 30% ‘Good boys’ are still thinking about fucking other women, trying to ban that woman they lust after, out of their mind. So whilst they’re banishing other women from their mind, and technically physically not cheating, the fact they desire someone else, shows a lot, and I have male mates who have openly admitted this, when they have amazing partners. What they should be doing is being with the person they sexually desire, not the women who feels safe, prettier, etc, because the woman they crave will be the one to keep that dopamine going for a life time.

Personally for me, dating, I have no qualms at all checking someone out, all you need these days is a name and age, and you can find anything if you look in the right places.

However remember posting on these groups can lead to Death, and threats, and after my friend recently posted my experience, I then received the most awful call, and guys, blame you girls… they don’t think of their actions are what drove you or your friend to post about them, they just HATE you, but as I said to someone lately, actions lead to reactions, and this is dating 2024!

If we all took the oath of celibacy and deleted our apps for a month, the world would be a better place… and men may learn some manner, respect and most of all MORALS, because why do they need them now? They piss one girl off and hurt one girl, they take another out the next night… easy prey…

He’s just not that into you… or is he?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Do you feel it’s always you sending the first text? It’s annoying as Hell isn’t it, beyond frustrating, like where are all the gentlemen hiding!

The last thing anyone wants to do is come across needy, when they could be actually the opposite, but it does get to a point of hurt, when you’re the one instigating all of the chat.

Do you wonder what would happen if you didn’t contact him? Do you worry romance will fade? Does it feel that every week, you tell yourself ‘I’m not going to text him’ , but then after a few days you end up cracking.

When you text him, and he replies, do you sit there, thinking, ‘is he just bored, is he being polite, is he with anyone? It is so hard trying to figure men out, they play games, without realising they are playing games.

Lets talk about the reasons, it could be you texting first…

1.He has a crazy busy lifestyle

It is the simplest explanation but maybe he is just busy and stressed with life, so hasn’t got the time to sit and chat. You do need to think, if he doesn’t have time to chat, then he doesn’t really have the time for a relationship… sorry to say but true.

2. He just isn’t a texter

Guys just don’t communicate like girls do, I mean a % will, but its rare, and they don’t think like we do. Us women appreciate a ‘good morning text’ , ‘good night sweet dreams’ text, but only the very few gentlemen who feel lucky to have the girl will be thoughtful enough to do this, a clear indication if a guy likes you. If a guy is really into you, he will wake up in the morning, and want to text you, will want to see whats on your instagram story from the night before, he will do it without realising.

3. He isn’t sure on his feelings towards you, so doesn’t want to lead you on

Something about you intrigues him, but he isn’t sure if you’re right, if he’s ready for a relationship, or if he just wants to carry on playing the field, so rather than flirt with you (in his eyes by texting first may make you think he’s into you more than he is) , he probably does like you, and thats why he does think like this, but remember this isn’t about you, its about him. Some guys just don’t see what goodness is in front of them, and can talk theirselves out of what could be something incredible.

For guys like this, it really is worth not texting them, if they genuinely like you they will reach out, if they don’t reach out, you have your answer, and if you do not want the latter to happen, then we need to install the ‘Hero instinct’ , new psychology, has proved men want to be your hero.. take a peek at psychologist James Bauer, he provides great insight into the concept.

4. He is deliberately dangling the carrot and enjoying it..

There are guys out there sadly, that get off on the fantasy, that this gorgeous woman (you) wants them, wants them sexually and in every way, they fantasise about bumping into you, fantasise about you sexually, and get off on the idea that they could almost (in their heads) click their fingers and you would be there. This is a power trip and should be a huge red flag, run for the hills girls, because this man has issues. He does not deserve getting in your head. You’re worth more than a fantasy fuck.

5. He just wants to date and not commit to a relationship

You have probably been here yourself , liked someone but just not enough to give updating, and it could be they end up in your archived, but sadly it kills us, when this is returned, but this is the fact of life. This i not a reflection on your worth, please remember that. It could be he just isn’t looking for a relationship with anyone, or it could be he just isn’t sure if you are right for him just yet, and maybe he thinks he should cut you off, but can’t, because maybe he does consciously like you, or maybe he just can’t nail if he does or not. Confusing hey? But that’s human emotions for you…

No girl can convince a man to be with them, what tends to happen, is stereotypical, a guy will meet an amazing woman, but over time fish around, and then start to question if girl A (YOU) are right for him, in his head he will think, no I wouldnt be interested in girl B or girl C , if I liked girl A, and then the over thinking kicks in, but then when girl B and C disappear, he starts to think why is girl A. still around, or even still on his mind. You convince a man to like you girls, he will want someone to tick every box, but over time he will suddenly be like well she ticked 8 boxed out of 10 but is so special, and sadly by this time, you’d have been swept off your feet, by someone who doesn’t have to think twice.

Infatuation in a males mind, is driven deep by a primal drive, and yes you can introduce words and play on sexual compatiability , he is driven by sexual urge first and foremost, until he has time to think about this.

6. He has recently broken up with someone, or still in love with his ex?

Men just need time, and you wouldn’t want to rush or push. aman who is in this head space.

7. Perhaps he is just scared

Maybe they do not trust women, maybe they have been hurt, maybe they are scared of getting into another ‘shit’ relationship.

Men and women can hurt each other, and he may be fearful and genuine, in not wanting to rush, or be hurt again.

8. Maybe he just is not into you?

I am truly pained writing this, I find it a struggle, but maybe it is the reality we all need to face at times. Perhaps he asked for the first date , because of that primal drive, but after that it quickly died off. Anyone can read body language, and a first date body language speaks volumes, in an ideal world, you will meet and want to kiss each other straight away, but then sadly we can meet people and be given the ick, within minutes, nothing worse.

If the first date went amazing, then its pretty clear a second date will follow within two weeks, now unless he is the tinder swindler and faked the whole chemistry of the first date, then you know you’re onto a winner, if a second date proceeds, and girls never ask for a second date, remember that.

9. He is super arrogant, and thinks you will always text first.

Oh these are the ones that say they are confident, but actually just RUDE AF. He will think he is better than you, and above you, and feels it is you who needs to chase him, walk away girls, walk away.

10. They like to play hard to get, and test you

Can. we take a moment, to just YAWNNNNNN!!! Guys like this just like to play the game on who likes each other more… they will obviously want you to really show you are into them, but sadly for most women, give it a month, and we see a boy and not a man..

He will give off this air of arrogance (he will call it confidence) , make out he has other options, just to keep us on our toes, but this man likes a woman to crave him, and likes the fact she is on her toes, again something in our primal brain that kills the attraction and respect very quickly.

SO….

Yes it is 2023 but a man expecting a woman to do all the chasing is disrespectful, and the balance isn’t right, balance is key for longevity, in a true partnership and true love, respect is what holds the love together, without this… there is nothing, so always tell yourself this..