Tag: narcissistic-abuse

When ADHD and Narcissists date!

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

The story of the Lion & The Giraffe….

Can those with ADHD really date a true narcissist successfully? I mean I say true narcissist because 2025 sees us using that word so freely. However imagine a true Narcissist, one that ticks every single box, a true narcissist combines ASPD, formally known as the term we coined ‘Sociopath’ – and imagine this person, who never believes they’re in the wrong, never feels or truly sees anyone else but theirselves , lies solum and waiting on their prey, waiting for their next supply, and who lives in a fake reality because anything that doesn’t feel like a high is surplus to them.

So lets look at the person with ADHD, the childlike, the fun, the passion filled, the excitable, the one who wants to fix everyone, and mend everything, the ultimate people pleaser. The kind warm loving ADHD’er the one who chooses to ignore red flags because they can see every negative in the world, and thinks they have the remedy and know how, on how to right wrongs, not even their own, but those of others. The type of people pleaser that will shower someone with so much love and affection….

The ultimate supply..

or

The perfect prey..

People with ADHD are often naturally drawn to narcissistic individuals in romantic relationships.This is because both personality disorders share many traits however take one as the angel and one as the devilish version… Impulsiveness, thrill seeking and competitiveness, and the ADHD’er able to understand more than most the narcissists full lack of empathy. ADHD’ers can struggle with empathy theirselves, because of the difficulties with their executive functioning, they have trouble recognising and regulating their emotions, which can take away their efforts and understanding, on the emotions of others. Quite often an ADHD can be straight to the point, almost rude, they don’t realise they do it, but when the words leave their mouth, it can cause panic when they realise what they say, albeit innocently. So as you can imagine, when someone with ADHD sees a narcissist, they often feel a strange common ground, and often wonder If the narcissist is ADHD to, as they recognise behaviour patterns, but lets face it, Narcissism is the evil big brother, the steroid version, of the very innocent ADHD traits, so of course the ADHD’er will feel there is common ground, not realising the danger that lies ahead with their innocent outlook on the situation.

ADHD is a neurological developmental disorder that affects self regulation and attention. Impulsive easily distracted and hard to stay focused, often with a need for speed and things to happen there and then. However all this is innocent, 99% wrapped in a loveable person, who wants to people please. Narcissists on the other hand, may have steroid version similar traits, however these are characterised by their grandiose self of self importance and constant need to be seen in that light and admired by all, they need validating by those lower than them, (In their eyes only) and they have zero empathy, because they don’t need to think about anyone but theirselves. They are controlling, manipulative and they use their minds wisely and their charm, to lure in the soft and the pure, into their orbit. Narcissism isn’t neuro-diversity, its a complex and dangerous personality disorder, which impacts every individual that surrounds them, from parents, to partners to their children. Narcissists can be hard to spot, and as mentioned many with ADHD will almost feel the Narc has ADHD. However common traits of a narcissist include:

A constant pre-occupation of visions and day dreams, of wealth, success, power and a family life where they hold the remote control.

A true belief they are special and unique and should only mix with people on their level, a constant need for hierarchy. Many Narcissists feel they are children of god, the feeling of special, can go off the scale.

A strong need for admiration and attention, a strong need for people to see them in a high position of authority and power.

An expectance of automatic control over other, and an expectance of others to obey and comply, and an expectancy of people to treat them ‘Special’.

An inner anger to be envious of others, and a constant feeling that others are envious of them.

A constant behaviour trait of exploiting others and manipulating others for their own gain, requirements and supply.

A split personality to the outsider, leading to outsiders never being able to settle and feel emotionally in control, as the narcissist can appear fickle and flippant, in what they want, who they are, and who they want to be with.

Narcissists can be both female and male, males tend to lead to more sociopath traits, and can often get involved in criminal activities, whilst females often get drawn into emotional and sexual manipulation of others.

The ADHD partner is the innocent Giraffe, head in the clouds, wondering the Serengeti, and the perfect prey for the Lion to take down, bit by bit, inch by inch, insult by insult… until eventually the giraffe is so damaged, its impossible to ever be able to walk on those long legs again, or dead… left as a carcus with no meat left, and surplus to the lions needs. The giraffe life changed forever, meanwhile the lion without empathy and with the notion of ‘I just needed my feed, its the circle of life’, moves on in the long grass ready for its next prey, feeding of snippets here and there, until they meet their next Giraffe.

The relationship between both disorders, starts off in a term ‘Euphoric’ for both parties, The ADHD’er has every single supply the Narc needs, and the Narc provides the perfect ingredients of love bombing, that gets the ADHD’er hooked. In fact, let’s scrap ADHD/NARC, let’s simply use LION for the Narc and GIRAFFE for the ADHD’er. Its so much easier, and we hate titles!! The chemistry between the two is mind blowing, for both, out of this world, the Lion gets the Giraffes needs perfect, and the Giraffe gets the Lion more than anyone ever has.. Its a sexual match made in heaven! For people with ADHD, narcissists can provide excitement and stimulation, which can counteract their boredom levels, because lets face it ADHD’ers hate being bored and often get frustrated. ADHD’ers are drawn to the attention and grandiose of the narcissist and pop them up on the peddle stool, exactly what the narcissist needs.

Giraffes struggle In life with various elements for instance spotting red flags, this makes them susceptible to the Lions manipulation. Lions exploit the emotional dysregulation that giraffes can often struggle with, leading to a pattern that is beyond dangerous, and will leave the giraffe walking on egg shells, and feeling beyond anxious, and scared, of the Lions mood, the lions feelings and never knowing what side of the bed the Lion is going to wake up on. The poor Giraffe will feel like they are sinking, unable to think of anything, through pure anxiety and fear, of the unexpected, and anyone knows those with ADHD struggle with the fear of the unknown. The emotional abuse and exploitation that can exacerbate already present difficulties, can lead to the most incredible sense of anxiety and depression, that the ADHD’er may have never felt before, so it can bring immense confusion and sadness to the positive ADHD’er.

Giraffes often have problems asserting theirselves, and this can be part of their softness, however this is putty in hands to the Lion, as they can push boundaries beyond the normal levels, and to the point the giraffe doesn’t have any because they are so worn down, with trying to set boundaries, but never being heard by the Lion. They will start off really trying to firm up their boundaries, yet the more and more the lion doesn’t listen, they feel backed into a corner and think, why bother?

Giraffes as we know have difficulties maintaining attention and can often have memory problems, especially short term memory. This is a key tool for the narcissist to who play on these memory problems to exploit the ADHD’er and they will take advantage by gaslighting to the full max of this situation, and psychologically manipulate the ADHD’er to make them question their own memory, perception and sanity. For instance and I have seen this myself the narcissist will deny conversations that occurred, and twist the truth to suit their narrative. For instance, a conversation factually for me, I was told, “Oh yes I rescued my friend from a brothel, and paid for the lads to go to the brothel”, so when I asked ‘Have you ever slept with a prostitute?’ I was told.. NO! Fact! Fast forward 3 months later a conversation that was completely normalised, became ‘Yeah of course I’ve slept with prostitutes, I told you this’ – I tried to argue I hadn’t been told, and was told ‘You don’t listen, I told you’ … leading me to rewind and rewind and rewind, over the initial conversation, and NO, it was not my fucking memory! However just being told that left me anxious, disorientated and almost feeling I needed to write down and document everything, as my self defence. To be honest I could of recorded the initial conversation, and he would of still tried to convince me, I was wrong and he was right.

Giraffes will love their lion at their worst, at their lowest, at their angriest, the giraffe can witness their lion eating another giraffe and still the giraffe will remain, because their love for their lion is so true, so pure and so real. However the Lion will not ever see this, because as all narcissists do, they only ever measure their own feelings, and do not have the capacity to feel, recognise, or appreciate others love. The giraffe will not care for what the Lion used to have, what prestige or title they have or had, the giraffe will fall in love with the heart of the lion, and this again another danger, because the Lion in their grandiose doesn’t want to be seen let alone loved at this low level, they aren’t accustomed to, the lion only wants the rest of the Serengeti to see them on pride rock, at the top of their game, at the top of the hiecharchy, so knowing the giraffe sees them at their most vulnerable, at the start the Lion will appreciate that, when they have a sense of fake reality, the sense that they don’t need to be up on pride rock showing off, however when pride takes over and they need to be seen, valued, little giraffe, how could they love that pathetic wonderer who isn’t up on their rock, giraffes should love their Lions when they’re up on their pride rock, where they want and need to be, and where everyone looks up to them, even giraffe. You see there will never be an equal part in their relationship, the Lion will always only ever go as low as 51/49, because their sense of needing to be seen in their hierarchy and at the top of the board, will always come first. Narcissists needs to feel above everyone else, even the ones who love them the most.

ADHD’ers, it’s a known fact, can often posses a level of low self esteem, which more than often stems from past traumas, and the sad fact of this, is they are far more tolerable of abusive behaviours the narcissist will put their way. The Narcissist will start with, hmm lets call them baby insults, the softened blow such as ‘I say it with love, however you have such a pretty face, but if you had your teeth done baby it will change your whole face and make you prettier’ – See anyone reading that, (bar for the narc theirselves) can see its a vile and hurtful insult, but in the moment, the ADHD partner won’t see that, it will stimulate their people pleasing notion, and they will start to think without realising ‘Maybe I do need my teeth doing’. This is how it starts, the undoing of the ADHD’er the Narc gaining control. In my own personal case it was followed with, I can’t deal with your job it reminds me of this, it triggers this, I need you to give it up. Followed by, awww baby, you tummy tuck scar, is so bad, why is it like this. In my head I was like “Its actually a brilliant scar only 14 months old so not faded white yet’ – The next about my boobs, so I went for a consultation, and the insult following that was ‘If you tie a brick to this one, and tie a brick to that one, then throw the brick over your shoulder, it will pull them up?? Ok… I mean here is a few sentences of a personal snap shot. However a true Narc cannot even see the wrong in what they say, and if you dare confront them… ‘You’re hard work’ , ‘You’re combative’ – even though just as any human being, you are simply doing the very basics of defending yourself.

ADHD’ers are the type of individuals who simply make it their quest to help, to help support and to think they can help others, to anyone in the world the ADHD’er will have a heart of gold, may be annoying, however they’re good people, its within them to want to help. However to a sociopath or narcissist, their goodness is massively undervalued, and they can irritate the Narc immensely, and unless the Narc goes away and deals with their inner anger and issues and pick up some serious CBT skills, the whole combination is beyond dangerous for the ADHD’er , because as we have covered already, the Lion will simply drag the giraffe down, slowly, painfully, until the ADHD’er and everything that once shone for them, is beyond damaged.

At the end of it all, it is possible for the two of them to work, and potentially have something Euphoric for life, but it’s crucial the ADHD’er is wide awake, and crucially, aware of the risks the ultimate predator possess. The euphoria will only truly work, when the narcissist knows their behaviour is abusive, and pushes and known they need to correct their behaviours, and also when the narc knows, that true love is about choosing someone other than theirselves, and showing up. Sadly the ironic thing about researching this is that the giraffe will always find happiness, yet the Lion often dies lonely… surrounded by superficial, and never truly being happy inside, happy who they’re with, and happy with their lives. They truly struggle more than any disorder out there to truly love others, and when they feel true love, it’s not as exciting as the honeymoon ‘being in love’ , so it fails to impress them, it fails to mean anything to them, and rather than choose that person, like we all do in the second phase of love, they dispose of them, or cheat on them and leave them sat at home disrespected and hurt.

The relationship of the Giraffe and Lion, could be totally described by both as a meeting of souls, a true soulmate, however it takes two of them working hard and showing up, and most often the Lion disposes yet later in life will regret letting go of their ‘Soulmate’ in the giraffe, but what goes around.. comes around, and karma always follows through..

Narcissists and their constant need for admiration and love.

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Are you a supplier to a narcissist? Do you feed their habit, their ego?

But can a narcissist ever be happy and in love?

Quote ‘A leopard never changes its spots’ – Maybe not but can the right woman, over time watch those spots fade, and don’t we all have an essence of Narcissist deep within?

Narcissists can love, perhaps the majority just superficial, always with one step out the door. A narcissist can make you feel you’re all they need, all they desire and they’re in love, yet you have a bad day, they hurt you, and the love rears its head very different to the kind of love we thought we were receiving. Narcissists lack empathy, nature or nurture, they have a complete inability to put anyone else needs before their own.

Narcissists need and crave attention and validation, they are most often attracted to those who can provide them with the highest grandiose of self, those who can supply their fix. Narcissists are attracted to those who are kind people and givers, the type of people who will shower them with compliments, the kind of people they see as good and pure, who will supply them with exactly what they need to feed and boost their ego., This is why we see Narcissists deliver love-bombing, claiming you’re soul mates, saying its like a dream come true, weekends away, perfect dates, gifts, compliment giving, because Narcissists love the beginning of a relationship, dreams of getting married, and the problem is even the best narcissists can’t keep up the momentum. Whether it be 6 weeks or 6 months , narcissists are very excitement and thrill driven, they feel empowered from your attention, your affection, but as time goes on, little things will start to creep in, gas lighting, insults, back handed comments, correcting you, telling you they say things with love, but then insult you. The puzzle pieces start to fit together, and you will see these triggers come from frustration, anger, and the actual dark side of their personality, and they will try and double back, because they will still require their validation, however as they start to express their true self, perhaps in time of stress, over time there will be more and more of them, so you notice this exciting person you met and fell for, actually becomes almost flat line empty soul of a person, and you don’t want to compliment them, you don’t have that same butterfly feeling, and so you stop the supply, and rather than see this as their fault, (which it is) they will blame you, they’re very naturally novelty seeking people, they love the high feeling, this is why so many of them are drug or have been drug addicts, they love those dopaminergic feelings and in their make believe fantasy its you who is at fault, you who has made this go ‘boring’ you are the problem, never them! You’ve taken the excitement away! However the truth is, they were living in fantasy dream land, caught up in their high fix, and you were the drug, however once their true character kicked in, and they start putting you down, start winding you up for a reaction and start showing instability and inconsistency, it causes a huge imbalance in the relationship. One of you will be waiting and praying for their fun side to return, hoping it was really them, whilst walking on eggshells and never knowing what is around the corner, because their frame of mind actually scares you. One minute they love you more than life, the next they’re so cold, and you never know what personality you’ll be met with, so as the supplier, your anxiety takes over and you can’t be that fun person a giving constant praise, Because your energies are depleted, So the narcissist sees you as the one who has changed, sees you as the one not compatible, you as the one who its boring, when really it’s their fucked up view on life and how they treat others which has caused all this.

As good people we will naturally enter any relationship giving praise, and status and validation, however there are ways to spot a narcissist at the very start. Do they talk of children together, a house together a life together after just a date or two? We can’t call narcissists fake, they just live a false reality, a fantasy world, where they see visions and have desires, and they will want that, but its your supply that feeds these fantasies.

Narcissists are very precarious individuals, often very fickle jumping from one idea to another, completely driven in life by their own self worth, self interest and they will tread and hurt anyone to get what they want In life. To live out the fantasy they see in their head, they are hyper-competitive and impatient demanding everything their way, in their time, and everyone following their lead, because in their head narcissists are never wrong, so its their way or the highway. Once the fantasy of you dies off, they will already be onto their next victim, because many of them need a plan B and back up plan, so they can have that constant attention.

The idea of the classic grandiose narcissist – the most recognisable form of Narcissism, is characterised by entitlement, redness, arrogance, and a constant need for touch and admiration. They tend to have a high self esteem and believe there is a hierarchy In life and they are superior to others. They are often boastful and tell you their earnings, their materials, what cars they have driven, they often inflate numbers and exaggerate their achievements and they can become combative, aggressive and take a dislike to you if their superiority is challenged. The will dominate conversations, by talking at you not with you, they will accuse you of not listening almost like you are the child and they are the parent, what they say is right, based on their facts, and everyone else opinion doesn’t matter. They will often dominate relationships , with lines such as ‘I like things traditional, the man in charge’ all the time setting seeds and foundations, to conform you to their controlling ways, remember they are childlike in wanting everything their way. They will also want you almost scared of them, so will keep you on knife edge, on your toes, so you form attachment to them, because they will want you craving them, chasing them.

Many narcissists turn to criminal acts, such as fraud, because their ego and lack of empathy enables them to work and prosper and not have any empathy for the victims they steal from. They will take and take to fund their own luxury lifestyle, and not give AF about the consequences. This is the same in love. They will want you hand holding them constantly, praising them constantly, yet when you need them they fail to show up.

Narcissists don’t need love, they don’t feel love, they feel love for theirselves and the image of what they think love is, they will dream they want the fairy tale, but unless they recognise their traits and get the right therapy, they will never ever feel happiness. They will get their fix through shopping money, women, and cars, but they will never feel or love in the traditional sense, and sadly will end up very lonely, or dying young from drug addictions and gluttony problems such as heart attack from the over use of steroids and drug misuse.

Remember the 4 D’s are a narcissist Denial, Dismissal, Devaluation and Divorce. A pattern that will never cease unless the narcissist gets real help.

Denial – Narcissists often deny responsibility for their actions, blame others, or minimize the impact of their behavior. This can manifest as a persistent lack of accountability. If you try to explain their actions have hurt you, they will suddenly recall that one time you hurt them, because they struggle to take and accept blame, remember a narcissist is new wrong in their mind.

Dismissal – They may dismiss or invalidate the feelings, opinions, or experiences of others, often downplaying their significance or importance. They will speak over you, and not let you voice your opinions and when you do, they will disagree and often say you are wrong, wasn’t listening and dismiss your opinion.

Devaluation – This involves making someone feel inadequate, worthless, or inferior, often through criticism, belittling, or public humiliation. If you’re a confident partner, they will like that about you at first, but over time they will chip away. I recently found this myself, after years of body dismorphia and an eating disorder, I had my body, my looks criticised, which is abuse, whether I had, had disorders or not, but again, they will follow the insult with ‘I say this with love, but’ – And the strange thing was, the guy wasn’t my type in the beginning, his love bombing won me over, so I could of easily given my opinions on him, but I would never be so rude to. However a real narcissist will mark you beneath them, so if you display confidence, and for instance say ‘Oh I love my legs’ – low and behold they will say something detrimental about your legs.

Divorce/Discard – In the context of relationships, this can refer to the end of the relationship, either through physical separation or emotional withdrawal. The narcissist may discard the person they were previously idealizing, often with little regard for their feeling, they won’t care how they do this, and will most likely do it over the phone, so they can state their facts, not listen to yours and run the fuck away, because again your opinion doesn’t matter, there’s does, that’s how they feel, deal with it!!!! Their lack of emotional intelligence and empathy will see them on this path of self destruction all through their lives. From one woman/ man to the next, falling in love and lust, using the innocent person, manipulating them, knocking them down so the dynamics change, then blaming the poor victim, and making an excuse to move onto the next.

Whilst there is no cure for NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) in the sense of pure elimination, it has been found by investing in therapy, coupled with a sense of truly wanting to change, there can be dramatic improvements and they can almost go on to live normal lives, with the support of a very loving family and very patient partner. However as we have discussed this can be near impossible, because nearly all people with NPD, are in complete denial of their wrong doing, it will 99% of the time be somebody else’s fault, and you will very rarely hear them say Sorry or Thank you. They don’t feel they need to, Because in their world, YOU are beneath them, you are 49% and they are 51% they don’t view equality like a normal person, Because they have a constant need to impress others, look a certain way, act a certain way, show off a certain way. Remember they don’t care for you, they don’t care for their own children, their own mothers, they will care about theirselves only. On the surface they will proclaim all the love in the world, but when you need them, they will never show up.

Clinical research has shown, a reduction in grey matter in the brain of people with NPD, in areas of the brain like the anterior insult, which controls empathy. They had an unusual thinning of the brain in this area across all the study boards. When faced with testing and presented with tasks of social and emotional stimuli, Functional neuroimaging studies have revealed reduced activity in brain regions involved in empathy and compassion.

Research also suggests abnormalities and changes in the orbito-frontal cortex, which controls emotional intelligence and regulation and our social behaviours. Research suggests that the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the striatum n(a brain region involved in reward and motivation) may be disrupted in individuals with NPD, giving reason to hyper competitiveness, a lack of patience and a need to admired and praised. Whilst research continues into this field, we only have to look into the links between people with NPD and their high rate connection to violent crimes, they are very dangerous individuals with many prolific murderers being diagnosed with NPD. This condition is not just an instagram meme, its life changing and harmful for those caught up with a person who has NPD.

Remember a narcissist will deny they need therapy, and if they do feel they have to entertain the idea to please others, they will attend maybe one or two sessions, and rank theirselves higher at sorting their problems, than a trained Doctor, if they and very rarely do stick at it, then it can potentially work and turn their lives around, but narcissist may recognise their behaviour for a week or two then want to change, then suddenly it will be back to everyone else being a mess, to blame, at fault. So trying to get them to commit long term, when they are so fickle will be the biggest test of all.

It may be heart breaking to know and realise when the jigsaw pieces match up that you’re actually dating a narcissist, you may be like how I was so down trodden, so emotionally exhausted and feel so duped that there may be a sad sigh of relief. They are super tuned in, if they see you starting to get second thoughts, they will reel you back in, feed you a little, to keep you hanging off their carrot, then once you’re back, return back, and its like they have a bag of treats and you’re the puppy, and a tiny rewarder and there, will have your tail wagging.

Remember you are human to, and you will have your heart broken by this person, who will love you one day, and finish you the next with a whole barrage of excuses. You deserve better… always remember. You don’t need to change, its them, and if they cannot see that, then sadly you only get one life, its time to move on, as he’s probably already got his next victim lined up, so he can dispose of your attention because someone else is picking up the tab.

Look after yourselves… not them… you can’t keep supplying them, its mentally exhausting, it will leave you walking on egg shells, anxious, nervous and scared. So worried you will say the wrong thing, wear something they don’t like, or even have your own opinion. Stay safe…