Tag: sex

Narcissists and their constant need for admiration and love.

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Are you a supplier to a narcissist? Do you feed their habit, their ego?

But can a narcissist ever be happy and in love?

Quote ‘A leopard never changes its spots’ – Maybe not but can the right woman, over time watch those spots fade, and don’t we all have an essence of Narcissist deep within?

Narcissists can love, perhaps the majority just superficial, always with one step out the door. A narcissist can make you feel you’re all they need, all they desire and they’re in love, yet you have a bad day, they hurt you, and the love rears its head very different to the kind of love we thought we were receiving. Narcissists lack empathy, nature or nurture, they have a complete inability to put anyone else needs before their own.

Narcissists need and crave attention and validation, they are most often attracted to those who can provide them with the highest grandiose of self, those who can supply their fix. Narcissists are attracted to those who are kind people and givers, the type of people who will shower them with compliments, the kind of people they see as good and pure, who will supply them with exactly what they need to feed and boost their ego., This is why we see Narcissists deliver love-bombing, claiming you’re soul mates, saying its like a dream come true, weekends away, perfect dates, gifts, compliment giving, because Narcissists love the beginning of a relationship, dreams of getting married, and the problem is even the best narcissists can’t keep up the momentum. Whether it be 6 weeks or 6 months , narcissists are very excitement and thrill driven, they feel empowered from your attention, your affection, but as time goes on, little things will start to creep in, gas lighting, insults, back handed comments, correcting you, telling you they say things with love, but then insult you. The puzzle pieces start to fit together, and you will see these triggers come from frustration, anger, and the actual dark side of their personality, and they will try and double back, because they will still require their validation, however as they start to express their true self, perhaps in time of stress, over time there will be more and more of them, so you notice this exciting person you met and fell for, actually becomes almost flat line empty soul of a person, and you don’t want to compliment them, you don’t have that same butterfly feeling, and so you stop the supply, and rather than see this as their fault, (which it is) they will blame you, they’re very naturally novelty seeking people, they love the high feeling, this is why so many of them are drug or have been drug addicts, they love those dopaminergic feelings and in their make believe fantasy its you who is at fault, you who has made this go ‘boring’ you are the problem, never them! You’ve taken the excitement away! However the truth is, they were living in fantasy dream land, caught up in their high fix, and you were the drug, however once their true character kicked in, and they start putting you down, start winding you up for a reaction and start showing instability and inconsistency, it causes a huge imbalance in the relationship. One of you will be waiting and praying for their fun side to return, hoping it was really them, whilst walking on eggshells and never knowing what is around the corner, because their frame of mind actually scares you. One minute they love you more than life, the next they’re so cold, and you never know what personality you’ll be met with, so as the supplier, your anxiety takes over and you can’t be that fun person a giving constant praise, Because your energies are depleted, So the narcissist sees you as the one who has changed, sees you as the one not compatible, you as the one who its boring, when really it’s their fucked up view on life and how they treat others which has caused all this.

As good people we will naturally enter any relationship giving praise, and status and validation, however there are ways to spot a narcissist at the very start. Do they talk of children together, a house together a life together after just a date or two? We can’t call narcissists fake, they just live a false reality, a fantasy world, where they see visions and have desires, and they will want that, but its your supply that feeds these fantasies.

Narcissists are very precarious individuals, often very fickle jumping from one idea to another, completely driven in life by their own self worth, self interest and they will tread and hurt anyone to get what they want In life. To live out the fantasy they see in their head, they are hyper-competitive and impatient demanding everything their way, in their time, and everyone following their lead, because in their head narcissists are never wrong, so its their way or the highway. Once the fantasy of you dies off, they will already be onto their next victim, because many of them need a plan B and back up plan, so they can have that constant attention.

The idea of the classic grandiose narcissist – the most recognisable form of Narcissism, is characterised by entitlement, redness, arrogance, and a constant need for touch and admiration. They tend to have a high self esteem and believe there is a hierarchy In life and they are superior to others. They are often boastful and tell you their earnings, their materials, what cars they have driven, they often inflate numbers and exaggerate their achievements and they can become combative, aggressive and take a dislike to you if their superiority is challenged. The will dominate conversations, by talking at you not with you, they will accuse you of not listening almost like you are the child and they are the parent, what they say is right, based on their facts, and everyone else opinion doesn’t matter. They will often dominate relationships , with lines such as ‘I like things traditional, the man in charge’ all the time setting seeds and foundations, to conform you to their controlling ways, remember they are childlike in wanting everything their way. They will also want you almost scared of them, so will keep you on knife edge, on your toes, so you form attachment to them, because they will want you craving them, chasing them.

Many narcissists turn to criminal acts, such as fraud, because their ego and lack of empathy enables them to work and prosper and not have any empathy for the victims they steal from. They will take and take to fund their own luxury lifestyle, and not give AF about the consequences. This is the same in love. They will want you hand holding them constantly, praising them constantly, yet when you need them they fail to show up.

Narcissists don’t need love, they don’t feel love, they feel love for theirselves and the image of what they think love is, they will dream they want the fairy tale, but unless they recognise their traits and get the right therapy, they will never ever feel happiness. They will get their fix through shopping money, women, and cars, but they will never feel or love in the traditional sense, and sadly will end up very lonely, or dying young from drug addictions and gluttony problems such as heart attack from the over use of steroids and drug misuse.

Remember the 4 D’s are a narcissist Denial, Dismissal, Devaluation and Divorce. A pattern that will never cease unless the narcissist gets real help.

Denial – Narcissists often deny responsibility for their actions, blame others, or minimize the impact of their behavior. This can manifest as a persistent lack of accountability. If you try to explain their actions have hurt you, they will suddenly recall that one time you hurt them, because they struggle to take and accept blame, remember a narcissist is new wrong in their mind.

Dismissal – They may dismiss or invalidate the feelings, opinions, or experiences of others, often downplaying their significance or importance. They will speak over you, and not let you voice your opinions and when you do, they will disagree and often say you are wrong, wasn’t listening and dismiss your opinion.

Devaluation – This involves making someone feel inadequate, worthless, or inferior, often through criticism, belittling, or public humiliation. If you’re a confident partner, they will like that about you at first, but over time they will chip away. I recently found this myself, after years of body dismorphia and an eating disorder, I had my body, my looks criticised, which is abuse, whether I had, had disorders or not, but again, they will follow the insult with ‘I say this with love, but’ – And the strange thing was, the guy wasn’t my type in the beginning, his love bombing won me over, so I could of easily given my opinions on him, but I would never be so rude to. However a real narcissist will mark you beneath them, so if you display confidence, and for instance say ‘Oh I love my legs’ – low and behold they will say something detrimental about your legs.

Divorce/Discard – In the context of relationships, this can refer to the end of the relationship, either through physical separation or emotional withdrawal. The narcissist may discard the person they were previously idealizing, often with little regard for their feeling, they won’t care how they do this, and will most likely do it over the phone, so they can state their facts, not listen to yours and run the fuck away, because again your opinion doesn’t matter, there’s does, that’s how they feel, deal with it!!!! Their lack of emotional intelligence and empathy will see them on this path of self destruction all through their lives. From one woman/ man to the next, falling in love and lust, using the innocent person, manipulating them, knocking them down so the dynamics change, then blaming the poor victim, and making an excuse to move onto the next.

Whilst there is no cure for NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) in the sense of pure elimination, it has been found by investing in therapy, coupled with a sense of truly wanting to change, there can be dramatic improvements and they can almost go on to live normal lives, with the support of a very loving family and very patient partner. However as we have discussed this can be near impossible, because nearly all people with NPD, are in complete denial of their wrong doing, it will 99% of the time be somebody else’s fault, and you will very rarely hear them say Sorry or Thank you. They don’t feel they need to, Because in their world, YOU are beneath them, you are 49% and they are 51% they don’t view equality like a normal person, Because they have a constant need to impress others, look a certain way, act a certain way, show off a certain way. Remember they don’t care for you, they don’t care for their own children, their own mothers, they will care about theirselves only. On the surface they will proclaim all the love in the world, but when you need them, they will never show up.

Clinical research has shown, a reduction in grey matter in the brain of people with NPD, in areas of the brain like the anterior insult, which controls empathy. They had an unusual thinning of the brain in this area across all the study boards. When faced with testing and presented with tasks of social and emotional stimuli, Functional neuroimaging studies have revealed reduced activity in brain regions involved in empathy and compassion.

Research also suggests abnormalities and changes in the orbito-frontal cortex, which controls emotional intelligence and regulation and our social behaviours. Research suggests that the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the striatum n(a brain region involved in reward and motivation) may be disrupted in individuals with NPD, giving reason to hyper competitiveness, a lack of patience and a need to admired and praised. Whilst research continues into this field, we only have to look into the links between people with NPD and their high rate connection to violent crimes, they are very dangerous individuals with many prolific murderers being diagnosed with NPD. This condition is not just an instagram meme, its life changing and harmful for those caught up with a person who has NPD.

Remember a narcissist will deny they need therapy, and if they do feel they have to entertain the idea to please others, they will attend maybe one or two sessions, and rank theirselves higher at sorting their problems, than a trained Doctor, if they and very rarely do stick at it, then it can potentially work and turn their lives around, but narcissist may recognise their behaviour for a week or two then want to change, then suddenly it will be back to everyone else being a mess, to blame, at fault. So trying to get them to commit long term, when they are so fickle will be the biggest test of all.

It may be heart breaking to know and realise when the jigsaw pieces match up that you’re actually dating a narcissist, you may be like how I was so down trodden, so emotionally exhausted and feel so duped that there may be a sad sigh of relief. They are super tuned in, if they see you starting to get second thoughts, they will reel you back in, feed you a little, to keep you hanging off their carrot, then once you’re back, return back, and its like they have a bag of treats and you’re the puppy, and a tiny rewarder and there, will have your tail wagging.

Remember you are human to, and you will have your heart broken by this person, who will love you one day, and finish you the next with a whole barrage of excuses. You deserve better… always remember. You don’t need to change, its them, and if they cannot see that, then sadly you only get one life, its time to move on, as he’s probably already got his next victim lined up, so he can dispose of your attention because someone else is picking up the tab.

Look after yourselves… not them… you can’t keep supplying them, its mentally exhausting, it will leave you walking on egg shells, anxious, nervous and scared. So worried you will say the wrong thing, wear something they don’t like, or even have your own opinion. Stay safe…

Are there benefits to Celibacy?

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Pro’s and Con’s of Celibacy

Celibacy, abstinence, no sex, lots of sex, regular sex…

Yes I can almost hear your minds right now, reading that title, who in their right mind?

Celibacy has its pro’s and con’s and no therapist or human being can tell you, life with your legs shut tight, is healthy, I mean maybe against STD’s, however we are naturally wired, to crave and desire sex.

Sex positively impacts the body, improved immune system, reduced blood pressure, reduced stress levels and a a reduced risk of cardiovascular events, plus the high majority of individuals (hopefully nearly all) enjoy it! In men alone, regular ejaculation can improve prostrate health, A 2018 meta-analysisTrusted Source found ejaculating two to four times per week had associations with a lower risk of prostate cancer. So come on… Sex wins again doesn’t it?

For females, frequent sex again, either with a partner or solo, can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles that support the bladder. This can improve bladder function and reduce incontinence. I mean if you’ve had kids, this again surely a benefit?

Measured in mental health surveys, a recent 2020 survey actually found regular sex can lift depression and anxiety, where as bouts of abstinence can lead to a feeling of loneliness, a feeling of being unwanted, and whether preference or not, it can lead to bouts of depression.

However, lets take time to think about this, my own journey of celibacy has been an interesting one. As a woman who has such an open mind and high sex drive, why would I opt for celibacy?

Now, trust me, its not for not wanting sex? I miss good sex! However it has more to do with the journey of self love, self appreciation, appreciating, what giving my body away, truly means.

Celibacy in itself is a reward, and although may seem like endurance and a form of punishment to oneself , it really is a chance to heal, nurture and protect your mind, body and soul. Don’t be afraid to belong to you, we often find ourselves belonging to others, and pleasing others, however this is giving others power over our bodies and who we are. If we look at celibacy as a way to keeping our own power and a healing tool, an opportunity for internal growth. Celibacy is used in many cultures and paths in life. Many people feel by maintaining celibacy is will strengthen their relationship with God or higher power. Celibacy can give more energy to dedicate to spiritual practices. If we look at hinduism and Buddhism , their culture views it as a way to detach from desires and addictions, and sees celibacy as a cleanse and rebirth.

For me, and many other celibacy is a time for self reflection, self nurturing and a chance to explore and understand oneself. It can help with emotional maturity and emotional stability, allowing you to take a back seat and view decisions you have made, and what you would do differently, we can harbour the energy for growth and personal goals, and for clarity and clear thinking, which in itself eases mental health pressures.

Celibacy is a personal journey and only we can enter celibacy off our own backs, only we can make decisions like that to know we have the own power to control, and be in charge of our own strengths. Whether we opt to try it or give it a miss, I personally think over our life time its worth doing the journey at least once, and whether it be for a few weeks or a few months, give your body and mind enough time to see and feel the benefits. You’ll thank me later…

Breadcrumbing Vs Ghosting – Are we all addicts?

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We cannot even Eenie, meanie, mo this one, because the 2024 get of men, don’t provide a 3rd option. Yes I speak for the masses on this. I recently posted on a ‘Dating group’ filled with 100k women, and the post went off the scale..

Initially I thought is this an age bracket issue, but hell no, this is age irrelevant.

Recently a lawsuit was filed in California against a very well known dating app, stating that its platform is designed to cause addiction. Having worked in corporate roles myself for two of the biggest adult gambling businesses, I spent a lot of time understanding just how the house wins, how the player is manipulated and how addictions are formed. Whilst studying I worked on a project about how a certain social platform was indeed designed to cause addiction. Our very own chemical processes manipulated for financial gain, and neither gambling, social or dating apps, give a fuck, yet daily, suicide after suicide from everyone of those avenues, but do these large corporations care?? No because we’re say paying for memberships, paying a board in CA to live their very best life, at the expense of us all, but most of all at the expense of real love.

With any addiction, people do not realise just how addicted they are.

Lets side by side..

A player goes 50/50 black or red, opts for red, wins, has a sensational feeling, a complete adrenalin fix leading up-to that win, and then that warm feeling of dopamine kicking in when they do win, what happens next, the rare few maybe walk away, thank the lord, they’re up, and feel blessed with their win, but a very very high majority with the attitude, ‘I want that fix again’ , ‘I could win more next time’ , ‘I can here with nothing will leave with nothing’ …

Now lets flip that side by side..

A player goes on a dating app, he swipes left on many girls, but swiped right on 5 other players, all gorgeous, they start a chat with all, but one stands out, they place their bet, they chat intensely, adrenalin pumping, sexual tension exciting, they arrange a date, date goes amazing, adrenalin is crazy through the roof, they ago home, they kiss, or even have sex, the moment, the chemistry, the pure raw dopamine, feels amazing, the next day, – again the very are few think – ‘Ive met someone special here, going to see what happens. The vast majority, feel smiley, a little happy, but as their dopamine levels naturally drop back down, they don’t realise, so they automatically presume, ‘No they’re not my one’ – again not realising this is all chemical, so instantly they want the fix again, and they wonder, I wonder if the other 4 matches have messages so log back on the apps, whilst there lets swipe again.. wonder who else is out there.

😳

It’s dangerous, and even those who feel they are the most confident, aren’t, something in them has an insecurity even if they shout to the world ‘Hey Im mr/mrs confident’ , something in them, forgets that people they date are human beings, and this… is what leads to breadcrumbing and ghosting.

So we have been here before discussing this, but what is the worse, now we can either leave another human being hanging on a ledge, for if we decide to return, maybe a day we need a pick me up, or maybe a day we’re in their area and fancy some fun, or we can totally ignore someone like they’re invisible… like they are not human, like we feel we are so much superior we can treat another human, with a heart like that. I cannot lie, I’ve never breadcrumbed anyone, but I have ghosted, and that’s because I have been a coward, and not wanted to hurt someone, but then at the same time, I was so wrong for presumming they wanted anything anyway 😂😂!!!

So what is breadcrumbing? Breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation, when someone makes out they are interested but deep down aren’t, they lust you, that’s it, they want nothing more. Sometimes people who breadcrumb, don’t even mean to manipulate on purpose, as strange as it sounds, they are genuinely unsure what they want In life. The standard situation, is they give a little of their time, here and there, when you try and break away, they offer their excuses, as to why they aren’t more available, they say, well walk away, but I like you. You will know when its bread crumbing, because after a month in, you will know nothing about them, they stop liking your instagram images, and they stop watching your story, they don’t give a fuck about your life and what you are upto, and girls you have to realise, you are a last resort here, an option, and most of these men, not all, but most, have underlying issues, they like the idea of an everlasting love, but they’ve either been coupled up in a long term relationship that ended, or are in mid-life crisis mode. However guys who breadcrumb, will give you a bit of time here and there, and they simply can’t give no more, because in the time they’re away they’re spending time on Instagram liking other women, chatting on whatssap to others, and swiping to boost their ego. They simply have a new flavour of the week, and when they get bored, will return.

So what is ghosting and how does it differ, I mean either way at this point, the word ‘Dick’ should have crossed your mind. However ghosting, is just as RUDE, but I have done it myself, rather than prolong the agony, and be undecided, I pretty much decide straight away, if i’m in or out, and I simply never have the heart to really say, no this isn’t for me, I kind of just drift away, don’t get me wrong, sometimes I have said it, but sometimes, I’ve simply archived and blocked, because I just don’t want to hurt someone. Another thing personal for me is ADHD, I simply forgot to reply. My current whatssap is at ’17’ unread, and that’s not me being rude. I’m just personally a nightmare. Ghosting echoes past rejections, it brings a feeling of self questioning, one minute everything fine, next, are they even alive? It leads to questions ‘What did we do’, ‘Is there something wrong with me’, and ‘Am I good enough’ .. and that’s the sad thing about it all. Yes you are good enough, but that person, you admired, doesn’t admire you. However because they haven’t told you, you don’t know the truth, so you hope for the best, but still, left on a cliff edge, however after time there is a finalé to it, you come to realise, yep their loss.

So if you ask, what is worse, breadcrumbing or ghosting? It has to be breadcrumbing, because people are toying with someone else’s heart, and not letting go, and to treat another human like this is so wrong, but leading someone on, is as low as it can be, because keeping someone hanging whilst we are unsure, isn’t kind. Years ago people used to value others emotions, others feelings, however in todays swipe culture, people don’t care.. people care about their body count, their own self sense of validation in the world.

The Cycle

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Your heart skips a beat, you swipe right, and guess what ‘It’s a match’ – there really is something about that uncertainty surrounding that Right swipe, that is part of the hardwire of our brain, a primal drive to find a mate.

When a match happens, the reward pathway is activated, our Brains Ventral Tegental Area which is part of the brains reward system, that makes dopamine a neurotransmitter, that gets us on edge, alert, energised and focused, the brain memorises this pleasurable experience, and looks to seek it out again and again, almost as if this is a rush from a line of cocaine, its an addiction through and through. In addition to this being wanted and admired, gives us a feeling of love which pushes our level of oxytocin, a bonding hormone, through the roof, and it brings down our cortisol levels, so we feel less stress, and boy, is this a good feeling. So are we to blame each other for the 3 week stagnant period when perhaps those levels deplenish a little, its a chemical reaction that leads to the ‘My heads a mess, I’m not sure what I am feeling here’ – A level of confusion, we like this person, however the dopamine levels are reducing, and we don’t feel as excited, is it because we don’t like this person as much as we thought we did? Do we like them? Maybe not? Maybe I need to jump on the apps, and find someone who gives me that feeling again?

And so…

We have a cycle… and overwhelming need to feel that something special long term, not realising, that its all down to fucking chemicals…

There are so many posts on groups such as ‘Are we Dating the same Guy’ – of women wanting to know, why men constantly seek the 3 week love affair, then vanish, like they never existed…

The answer is here girls… the change in levels of hormones is the factor here, men are not naturally self aware like us, and if there are men out there, its because they have been on the journey of therapy, and. probably had a trauma in their lives that have pushed them to understand theirselves, but most men, are so reluctant to even communicate with theirselves, let alone others, so they could have the girl of their dreams on their arm, but then suddenly, start to question, why things feel a little different, why they feel different, and look to their new girl, and automatically think ‘yep, you’re not the one’ – when really they could be, but the confusion in their minds leads to the whole ‘Its not you its me’ conversation.

So next time someone bins you off, goes from ‘You’re the one’ , to ‘I’m not ready for this’ – this person is not deserving of you, because they are not self aware, and not ready to see what happens when the dopamine dips, not ready to just go with it, because they crave the fix of the chase and match..

You are worth more…

To Ghost or To be Ghosted

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The dreaded word, the word that takes us from feeling incredible, to a piece of shit! Questioning, are we worthy? Are we not likeable, do they not fancy us? Lets face it its fucking horrible.

However that’s from one side of the fence, what about the people we have ghosted, see we never think about that, do we! However I recently had a big wake up call on this. A lovely lovely guy I had started chatting to was great, handsome, I mean this guy would have been a hottie on Love Island, and he clearly liked me, lived in my area and we crossed paths, and matched on a dating app to, however I couldn’t ignore the fact he was 8 years younger than me, he had kids, so there was maturity there, but still, the age gap got to me, and after a few weeks talking, I did, I’m afraid to admit, go quiet on him. After a few days, I received a really long message about how rude I was, and how disappointed he was, and I couldn’t help but respect his message, even if it was hard hitting. It was a message I had typed out a few times to people, but never had the guts to send..

The emotional pain, caused by ghosting, can be a lot more traumatic, that what it seems on the surface. Think about this girls, the intensity of the last chat, the excitement, or even the last date with that person, to then have nothing, its like raising our dopamine (or theirs) to the highest peak and then crashing it to zero.. life feeling so perfect, then nothing. Every text they send/ you send, raises a smile, makes our heart skip a beat, then suddenly nothing, and the best thing about all of this is, its not always the person, at the other end of the phone that we are addicted to, its the hit their contact gives us, we are/ or they are, addicts, addicted to that smile, that excitement of receiving your text, so when the contact stops, cold turkey sets in.

As time passes, the overthinking kicks in, what did we do wrong? are we god enough? what did I say? They may change their hinge image, their profile picture, so you know they aren’t dead, and they haven’t blocked you, so why aren’t they replying! However remember its in this moment, you should realise, it’s not the person you are missing, it’s the attention and the good feel, you’re missing, not them.

A survey of 5,000 people conducted by Forbes Health found that 76 percent of participants had either ghosted the other person or had been ghosted themselves when dating. WOW! It’s a surprise anyone is even talking hey!

With ghosting, the not knowing can be more overwhelming and upsetting, than the actual knowing, because as human beings we naturally ponder on our thoughts, and however optimistic, our default is set to negative it seems, our minds want to know more, and this drives overthinking, which leads to a deep anxiety, which can worsen our already disheartened symptoms. Sat there trying to piece together the jigsaw, and wonder what the missing piece is.

Ghosting can also lead us to feel rejected, and that can open the pandoras box of past trauma, a time when we failed, a time when we were dumped, a time someone in our life, simply didn’t want us, this person who has spent 5 minutes in our world, can open up the most traumatic memories, by simply choosing to ignore us, and again, we can do the same to others by rejecting them.

Ghosting can also almost feel like we are also confirming our inner doubts on ourselves. We all, and it doesn’t matter how confident we are, sit there and think at times, am I good enough, so when we face being ghosted, sometimes for individuals, this can almost act a reconfirmation for what they may be thinking, so we can truly amplify someones inner self doubt, and make them feel not good enough. It may also lead people to doubt that they can truly judge people, was it all fake, have they been duped, are they stupid? How did they not read the room? How could they fall for that person? How could they have not seen it coming? So not only does the gravity of not feeling aesthetically good enough feel, the feeling of stupidity and naivety can actually make us feel even worse.

Nobody likes the thought of rejection, let alone social rejection with someone we do not even know, our brains feel the physical pain, like a real break up with a long love, it associates, and like I stated, opens a pandoras box of emotions.

People ghost for various reasons, we only have to look at how and why we ghosted, to find the answers. Someone can be so attracted to you, but simply not be ready for a relationship. I guess with me, I don’t even know if I am ready for a relationship, so it gets so far, and yes I go quiet, if I feel their is pressure then I go quiet, but I know that’s my issue, and I know that sooner or later there will be an energy match there with someone, that I won’t want to disappear on. Sometimes it could simply be, that the person has luckily found their energy match elsewhere, and sometimes it could just be they’re a fucking player.. it is what it is..

Following my recent lesson, and hmm, telling off, I realised, Yes I’m a kind person, so however hard it may be to write the words of rejection, that good person deserves to know I am not interested, because it will give them an acceptance, and not leave them lost in their thoughts, so deep down, lets be kind, lets say it black and white, because words can be kinder than ghosting…

Infatuation vs Love

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Fire in your belly, and an intensity so deep, it makes you feel euphoric (a word I love btw), an overwhelming feeling of nerves, and giddiness that you cannot describe, you simply cannot fathom the words, and both can be the best feeling and worst feeling in the world. The adrenaline of seeing them, combined with empty sense of goodbye as once again they walk back out your life, what is it that drives that very strange, almost alien like feeling, the feeling that effects us both physically and mentally.

I recall this feeling, and praying for the feeling to be over, praying one day I can go for coffee and not have this feeling, but as time went on, it never faded, and still to this day there. For me personally after facing rejection a long time ago with this person, I was adamant it would fade, but trust me its still there, and I think always will be, I go into full on Bridgette jones mode still to this day, and one Christmas happened to go flat on my face literally right next to him and his new girlfriend,(not sure if they saw it but I felt it – wow) especially when I hadn’t even known he had a girlfriend, and I had a sinking feeling that when he had dumped me 3 months before, it was a realisation that, I had indeed been pipped to the post, and I hate loosing at the best of times.

Friends will question why you feel like this, in fact you will question yourself, the thought of them leaves you in some fluttery day dream not only do you want him picking you up against a wall, but also you romaticise about just living the life with him. However the hard reality of saying ‘Tough Shit girl’ to yourself snaps you back into the present, and you realise, nope never gonna happen. My infatuation had turned to love, and I cannot explain or even understand in my own head, how or why, it just happened, and now I spend my time trying to pretend he doesn’t exist, but he does, just with another woman…

So are love and infatuation the same thing? Is infatuation just a pure lust and desire? short lived and more of an obsession, infatuation bring a sheer intensity that, the other person consumes you day in and day out, and I only think when you pass that stage, and they are still on your mind that you figure, this could actually be love. Infatuation is often lust filled, fantasy filled, and a want to talk to that person so much, even if you’re with someone else, you will think about them, what they’re upto, you till try and manifest bumping into them, knowing what you feel is wrong, because you or they could be with another, and even if you are both single, the more you talk to them the more you want them, their hands on you, their lips on yours, and my god, this feeling is intense, overwhelming, another is no doubt in your head at this point, they will be the fuck of the century, tbh they could be a sack of spuds, without a clue what to do, but your desire would make sure you’re the fuck of their century, and it’s this sheer want that is the proverbial of infatuation, only described in feeling, only really known in that moment. Where as love is the aftermath, a nice aftermath if met with two hearts, a desire to be with this person long term, to want to hold them, to care for them, for them to be yours always, to not keep them in archived, but in your heart where they belong, where they have earned their place, but if one heart is left standing after the infatuation has faded, then of course, there is nothing sadder than one person being in love, and the other being -well on another page.

Like me, what happens if this situation happens with someone you cannot have, or who doesn’t want you, again tick tick ✅✅ this is moi! How do we simply move on, because even I, do not know the answers to this, and those who know me, know I have an answer for most things, but in my 41 years on this planet, it’s this one guy, I have never been able to shift, understand why I feel, and deal with the rejection. So most people, including myself, literally Ban them from our thoughts, yes we pop them in the archived list, and can’t seem to find the courage to delete any previous chat, but we really should do, we have to work hard to not think of them, and warning here, because synconicity is very real, the more I tried to stop thinking about this person, I would see their name everywhere, side of trucks, street names, online, so be wary guys, our subconscious minds, will try and make you remember this person, popping their name up and ramming it down out throat, till guess what, you’re day dreaming again, so moving on is bloody hard!

Truth be told, I personally feel infatuation and love, are quite often one and the same, both cause intense feelings we cannot shake, perhaps if we define them against lust, we would see a difference there, but infatuation leads to love in most cases, a love we accept or deny and try and banish, and pretend isn’t there, or a love that flourishes, when two people are indeed on the same page…

What are you looking for, looks or personality?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

I mean do we know the answer to this? One day it can all seem so clear, we know exactly, and then the next, it’s like hmmmm!!

Even in my sexual prime, I’m at a stand still thinking, I cannot be arsed with this! Ok, lets correct that., I can be arsed with sex, Jesus, however its what comes after that! I struggle to go from APP to text and then the impossible seems to be meet! The need for touch is very real, but the need for stress is not so real.

You get me?

Ok so, we all have a type, yes? I’m rather specific, perhaps too specific, oh maybe who am I kidding, they’re all bloody clones of each other. Although recent guy, lovely person, a Barrister from Manchester, great chat, and totally admired the field he practised in, however in the words of my best friend ‘I think he gives you the ick’ , I mean I’m not 100% sure on that, but he was very different looking than my normal type, but I think she meant in the chat, as he seemed to agree with me, and if I said black was my fave colour, there is a high probability he would of said the same, something just did not feel right in our chats, and maybe because my heart is elsewhere, however it did make me think, what am I actually looking for? How do we strike the balance, between kind and genuine, but not too soft!

I mean who we think we want in our heads, do not always match up to who our hearts and sexual beings desire. We have this image in our heads, 6ft 2, dark thick hair, good arms and athletic shape, and nice eyes and lips, (ok I told you I was specific and probably describing the man I’m infatuated with there, (well no probably, I am), however, why do I find myself sexually drawn to those who aren’t my type, and girls we have all been there, plain old Joe blogs, giving us the flutters! We deny it and think ‘WTF’ but isn’t chemistry a strange thing.

We all want that mate, who is easy live with, stress free and looks good, but I don’t know if you’re like me, I have had that, and the first few years are fabulous, but statistics have shown, those stress free relationships we have all craved, when we get them, actually lead to the biggest infidelities of all. Its getting the cocktail just right isn’t it, having a bit of that, but also needing that obsession with them to, we can love and like, and have great sex, but do they drive us wild? Are they a fantasy and someone who would probably test us and change our world a little, yes we may be in the safety of Mr or Miss nice, cosy nights in and cuddles on the couch, and good sex, but what if we went for wild sex, someone out the box, someone who drives us wild. Have you ever met someone, and even though you’re friends, every time you stop and talk to them, your head is saying ‘Kiss him’ – Yes he may be married off, but the intensity of wanting him, can be crazy, so much so you have to force yourself to not think him and ban him from your head, now that us the shit that will get me settled down!

Take the show ‘Love is blind’ – the concept of this show, is strangers talking for hours on end through a wall, and over 3 weeks of fall in love with the person that they have never even lay eyes on, I mean this is tough, they cannot even describe their physical attributes, its an experiment based on getting to know someone for who they are, and OMG I have been here, I was surprised at the time, but I had a head start, I had matched this person, and our kiss after our first date has been something else, but the relationship (ok situationship) developed through hours and hours of texts and talk, to the point I was shocked at what feelings I had, I had fallen in love, so when the ‘Its not you its me’ chat came from him, it actually effected me like a real break up, I lost weight and I never wanted to chat to a guy again, and this was just one date, but calls and texts every day for months, so the concept of ‘Love is blind’ actually is so amazing, because again this guy was good looking, but line him up against previous exes and he was a good 7, but not the type you’d be like WOW, and I think this guy had a fondness for me, but he settled elsewhere, and whilst part of me is probably still a little in love, we have to move on, and I did and have, but Guess in life there will be these people that we are drawn to and they may not be the normal type we go for, but what if something had of developed?

Sexual attraction is a desire to become sexually involved with someone. While it often occurs alongside romantic attraction, they are not the same. Sexual chemistry can happen without a romantic attraction, and this can be a real problem, because the evolution of dating apps, draws us to who we are sexually attracted to, without knowing the person, (do we ever read the BS in bios) , and sometimes as much as we can be, wow he’s fit, once we get chatting, we can tell pretty quickly if there is going to be longevity in the conversation, and once we realise there is no romantic long term spark there, we move on very quickly.

I guess we just have to choose wisely and hope one day we strike a balance, and we will know, because when we find our true life mate, it won’t be because its easy, because its relaxed and no drama, it will be when sex with anyone else will never enter our minds, and we aren’t doing our best like a dog with a bone, to bury the thought of someone else.. because however much we try, we cannot live a life banning someone from our thoughts… so don’t move in till that mind is free… and also never just settle, for what we think our minds want and need, lets listen to our bodies to.. it all has to connect!

Are we Dating the Same Guy

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Yes I have been a bit MIA, however I feel, I have been on a bit of a journey, or should I say experiment, in order to obtain material, for more juicy posts.

The story of dating in the 2020’s… the rise and popularities of these groups, has brought a lot of women expectations on availability to a fucking full stop! FOREVER! However a few months later, we try the apps again, and crash, bang, wallop, we’re back in the same spot.

What is failing us ladies in 2024 dating, we sit their overthinking, and taking everything so personal, however my journey of dating and sharing the experiences of others, as made me and again others, come to the realisation, that the divide amongst the sexes has never been bigger.

As women we are at a point where we even look to lower our standards because we try and meet ‘a nice guy’ – well ALERT Girls, that will not be happening again in a rush! I mean I’m not saying being fucked over by a 9/10 is any better, but wow, we are just here as lab rats boosting the self esteem of guys we wouldn’t normally look at, and their ego’s are making them think they’re an 11!!!

The way I see it, and friends of mine see it, is they’re all just fat kids in a sweet shop, hungry and greedy, the little Augustus Gloops of the adult dating world, with their dirty hands spread muck and filth and stickiness across everything in their path! We really need to be more Willy Wonka and fuck these greedy kids off, yet as women, it seems to be in our DNA like some big life impairment that we think we will be the ‘one to make a difference’ 😂😂😂😂 , we want to be the Mary Poppins and save all the children!

The rise of ‘Are we dating the same guy Groups’ gives dating a bit of a safety net and a comical view, what on earth has society become, that we have to beg for information on the guy we have just matched to. There feels a real sadness that women have to resort to this, but at the same time, there should be a realisation that we are enabling this, it is a vicious circle. The new circle of life, hope for love, give our minds and bodies to these guys who seem genuine, in the hope they’re the new ‘one’ , and get fucked off! They are all 3 date wonders max girls! Why? Because when we open up and give our mind and even our bodies, to them, its a notch, a body count’ and the next one is just a swipe away. So all these middle aged men and lets face it, some only a 6/7 at best, with their love handles, hair systems, and botox’d to death faces, think they’re Gods fucking gift! I noticed this year, I thought ok, lets chat to guys I wouldn’t normally look at, and Jesus, I think they’re the worse! Growing up average at best so not having the best of luck with women, then suddenly make a bit of money and have a glow up, and they’re banging (or trying to bang) anything that moves. Dating to these guys has become a hyper fixation, a woman a day, keeps the ugly guy at bay! We are feeding their EGO’s girls.

Sadly I feel dating apps and the swipe culture has killed, what we know as romance, I think we are truly past the point of no return.. and I don’t say that easily. We are in a throw away society and this isn’t just about the clothes we wear on our back, we have become just as disposable, and our hearts and souls, and goodness as the women we are, are just enabling it to happen more and more.

‘Are we dating the same guy’ Groups, Christina Wang of Virginia Beach, murdered her husband after he appeared on ‘Are we dating the same guy’, Then a group post led to a woman being murdered by her ex she shared info over, and recently in May 2024, an Irish guy was driven to suicide because someone posted about him, thankfully he survived, but what are we all doing to each other, we should be making Love not War, but this does truly feel like a war of the sexes, Man Vs Woman, we are dicing with death, just to find out if guys are good guys, when sadly around 70% of men 30-45 are not wanting to be in relationships. Guys are bored of relationships it seems, they are living the Wayne Linekar lifestyle, pulling women 15-20 years younger than them,, they are living their best dream, and technically there isn’t anything illegal in the way they are living their lives, but as women, perhaps we are the ones who need to realise, Mr Marbella 2024, has found his own path, and even a 10, isn’t going to pursuede him otherwise. They may give the spiel, how they want cosy nights, want a partner in crime, or … wait for it… a ride or die, I recently got told! Come on Lols at that! However one of the sad things about these groups is, they should be ANONYMOUS, but because guys have friends, family, potentials, on these groups, wanting to score brownie points, post after post is being shared with the guy, and what a shame, I feel they’re out of control now.

Deep down I know for a fact that some of the 30% ‘Good boys’ are still thinking about fucking other women, trying to ban that woman they lust after, out of their mind. So whilst they’re banishing other women from their mind, and technically physically not cheating, the fact they desire someone else, shows a lot, and I have male mates who have openly admitted this, when they have amazing partners. What they should be doing is being with the person they sexually desire, not the women who feels safe, prettier, etc, because the woman they crave will be the one to keep that dopamine going for a life time.

Personally for me, dating, I have no qualms at all checking someone out, all you need these days is a name and age, and you can find anything if you look in the right places.

However remember posting on these groups can lead to Death, and threats, and after my friend recently posted my experience, I then received the most awful call, and guys, blame you girls… they don’t think of their actions are what drove you or your friend to post about them, they just HATE you, but as I said to someone lately, actions lead to reactions, and this is dating 2024!

If we all took the oath of celibacy and deleted our apps for a month, the world would be a better place… and men may learn some manner, respect and most of all MORALS, because why do they need them now? They piss one girl off and hurt one girl, they take another out the next night… easy prey…

Reaching out to our higher sexual being..

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

How do we look within, and begin to understand our bodies, and what sex means to them.

For most people, sex is about attraction, lust, stimulation and pleasure, but what is we can have all that and more, what if we can have more, enjoy more, and go beyond the realms of what is the norm.

How can we harness our energy flows, to become better lovers, for ourselves and for our partner, how can we go beyond orgasm, to orgasms that blow both our own mind and our partners. The way we determine sex, is very black and white, we like, we fancy, we fuck, we enjoy, our primal instinct desires pleasure and we deliver it to ourselves, and it seems to please the other person to, great, job done!!! Really? The fact is most people on this planet actually consider theirselves a good lover, but demonstrations in their being and how they treat others, determines the egotistical ones from the genuine.

If you think about it, everything in nature has a sexual energy, from pollination, to animals, to humans, everything has a sex drive, effectively it’s what makes the world go round. So when your tinder date tells you, they have a high sex drive, well sorry mate so does 99% of the world, sex is at the centre of life, everything we look at around us, has been driven by desire.

What is sex? What does sex mean to you, let’s take a moment to think, what are the words that come to mind when you think about sex? Think of 5 words that spring to mind when we think about sex – just sit for 30 seconds now, and what words and thoughts come into your head?

How do you see sex? Is t something you can live without, something you cannot live without? How do you see your relationship with sex? Have you ever sat down and thought about your sexual being, and what sex truly means to you? If you have never sat down and reflected on past sex, why not? It’s thinking like this, that builds our knowledge and understanding of sex and love.

Choose several past lovers, and write down, what they meant to you, the best sex with them, and the worst sex with them? Why was it good, why was it bad? Why are they not still lovers? Where did they go? We seem to simply close the book and move onto the next, with the term ‘its not you its me’ , installed into our brains, we could of been better at stacking the dishwasher, we could of been less argumentative, but do we ever look to those relationships and think ‘We could of been better lovers’ … NO we don’t because we all think we are fucking great in bed! We cannot even bruise our own ego’s by thinking anything less.. why can we put ourselves down and address issues, in every other aspect, but addressing our own love making, NOPE we can’t do that, women perhaps some of us, but hey can you imagine a guy sat there, thinking, ‘Oh if only I had been less selfish” ‘Oh if only I had been more open minded’ , Guys do not think like this, they possess a level of ego in this department, that blocks out any negative thinking , that can question (in their eyes) their masculinity.

So how do we become better lovers?

We need to tune ourselves into directing our sexual energy to achieve our sexual goals, to be able to experience that higher, intense level of sexual consciousness, we need to understand ourselves and others more.

As a writer who takes time to ground, chakra cleanse and deeply connect with myself, I have began to seek learning and development in the art of sex and personal development, because whilst I know my own abilities, I feel I’m a bad judge of person when it comes to connecting to others, I feel personally for me, I buy into a fantasy more, and as that persons true colours emerge later on down the line, I start to find them ugly, and see beyond their flirt or sexual chat, and I feel of late, I have saved myself from one or two people, where in the initial instance I thought wow, the sexual flow and energy together is a positive charge, but as immaturity, disregard to other humans, and selfishness has become apparent, I find myself thinking thank fuck, I was never physically intimate, because we would of ‘fucked’ mauybe had a cuddle, but my body wouldn’t have reached that soul connection, so whilst it may have been a 7/8 (prob thanks to me) , i’m craving an 11, and this is why seeking celibacy and time on my own for development and self admiration is key. We spend so many years in relationships, where we just do not have the key time to give to ourselves, and MY GOD is the year 40 for me a time to do that!

Have you heard of sexual transmutation ? Changing our sexual being, and developing its form, taking that raw dense sexual energy taking it from chaos to a higher level.

Sexual energy can control us, from setting imbalance, in our hormones, creating irresponsible behaviours, disease, sexual dysfunction and chaotic emotions, sex can harm us, we look after our physical and mental beings, but how often have we thought about looking after our sexual beings? It needs to be nurtured to.

Transforming our sexual energy, can change our lives, from a deep moral understanding, to how we love ourselves and others around us, to simply having order in our own lives.

Benefits to aligning our sexual energy, can encourage drive, determination, physical energy, confidence, mental clarity, focus, self awareness, spirituality, provide ability to manifest and generally improve our overall lives. It is so key to point out, that this does not mean go out and sleep with someone, but more so sleep with yourself for a while. Only you know you, take time out from giving yourself to others, and have a relationship with yourself.

Recently I realised that my bad judge of character with sexual partners or lovers, was much more deep rooted that I thought it could be, Even now I look and think, wow how wrong was I, on judging that character, but that is what sexual desire and fantasy can do to us, lead us down negative paths, to people who simply take to pleasure their own boredom and fantasy, and it was this summer that made me realise, because I see the good in people, it is actually quite damaging and detrimental to my own being, i’m damaging my own self, in the quest of trying to please others, and win over the wrong people who don’t actually give a flying toots about me and my world, and trust me, the world is full of those, so I set off on a quest to help me strengthen my mind, my desires and my body. My mind set always will try and see ‘Glass half full’ however being realistic and protecting oneself, is not about negative mindset , there is nothing wrong with valuing yourself to protect.

For thousands of years different cultures have recognised sexual transformation and the importance of sex, and whilst sex through the ages transitioned itself to be condemned in some cultures, in others it transformed into a higher level. if we look at Tantric, Taoist and Kabbalah, yogic philosophy, seeing our sexual energy as dormant until we align and awaken with specific practices.

Take Carl Jung theory on Sexual alchemy and Freuds focus of sexual sublimination, how can we transform this raw energy and transcend it into something deeper with meaning and creativity, how do we enhance and develop it deeper.

It is a proven fact, those with a higher level of creative energy and skill, are better lovers, and whilst there is nothing wrong in enjoying regular sex , there is so much more than can be, than simply ‘Getting off with an orgasm’ , what if you can achieve more? Sexual transformation, is releasing energy and receiving pleasure in more ways than just being naked with some hot guy on top of you, its about how we connect to everything around us. Think about it after sex, we feel calm, at one, satisfied (most of the time), and we have temporarily given ourselves that ‘fix’ , but soon enough the hunger is back again, and again it needs feeding, our inner beast, never fully satisfied, so how can we channel that energy to reach that high level of pleasure in all we do,

Sexual abstinence and sexual expression, can lead you to incredible level of the most powerful transformations. Think about an orgasm, think of the energy created in that moment, a free-mind moment, where you don’t think, you are liberated, so how can we increase that feeling of oneness, imaging caging that power and energy for a short time, and learning what to do with that energy, that can build more intensity.

When driven by desire, we develop imagination, courage and tenacity, we want, we crave, we desire.. but when we achieve, for a negative, selfish lover its done then, the attraction is over, and they fulfilled their goal, you were nothing more than a means to an end goal, and that feeling can crush you, there is nothing worse in this world, than feeling that exploited and used. Even if we judge ourselves as good people, our sexual energy can cause us to hurt others, deeply, and we do not realise we do it, because for us our sexual energy is at the centre of our universe, getting ourselves off, overides our regard for how we treat others, and each of us are so capable of truly hurting others just to feed our own desires.

Sexual transformation isn’t about running away or overcoming your desire for sexual gratifcation, it is about transforming all that energy to take you to a higher state of understanding and development, it’s not about detaching yourself from sex, and going against nature, orgasm and pleasure is why we have g-spots and ca feel pleasure, they are something that are meant to be, so we don’t have to deny ourselves our birth right.

Its is important to look at how we feel and what we feel, lets not just label it off as ‘sexual energy’ what do we feel is sexual energy? How does it make us feel? How can we observe and begin to feel stimulation without physical touch? When we think of sex, what led us to think of it? Observe the path, observe what led us there.

Let’s try and go without sex for a week or two, lets think about the negative and positive emotions that manifest over that period, some of us will flourish, some of us will struggle, it will give you clarity on whether abstinence or expression is right for you.

Let’s try and visualise, let’s use our minds to take ourselves higher, without touch or physical sex. Think about your drive in life, what are you working to achieve, now as you engage in sex and are about to reach that point of orgasm, visualise that goal, that dream, ans the image you are creating in your head can give a profound more higher-ful energy flow, and whilst, we do not want to be dismissive to our partners, it would be in itself, simply like an orgasm we have anyway, when in that moment of climax do we think of anyone but ourselves? So please do not feel any guilt with visualisation.

Let’s try and focus on reaching that tantric edge, the point to which you are so close to orgasm, but edging and taking it back, the on off flow, of keep building to that higher level over and over again.

Another way, something I truly enjoy, is regulating and focusing on breath-work, breathing slowly, and connecting with your sexual energy, feeling it build inside, as you breathe out, take that energy with you, let it rise and fall, bringing balance and helping you brim on the edge, encouraging that energy to ride up and down your spine, move and ride with it, in motion, as you breathe and connect to your partner, feel their energy connect with your spine, your genitals, engaging in breath work together, locking eye contact and close body contact, is key in developing your sexual relationship with each other and on your own.

Not everyone is able to connect or wants to connect with their chakra, but by learning to ground and working towards cleansing your Chakras, this can work to align and channel your sexual energy through your body.

The ways to develop your sexual relationship with yourself and others, is a lot deeper than what people think, people dismiss sex and its enormity and see it as a means to an end, people fail to see just how sexual energy controls us, how it can take over our lives, the lack of acknowledgement is what can ultimately make us selfish lovers, people, an d without understanding our own sexual beings and needs, how can we expect others to.

Take time to reconnect with yourselves, and learn to self love and appreciate, understand how directing those strong sexual desires and learning how to channel, can develop who we are, and how we treat others.. it takes more than stamina to truly be a good lover, lets look after our mind, body and soul…

He’s just not that into you… or is he?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Do you feel it’s always you sending the first text? It’s annoying as Hell isn’t it, beyond frustrating, like where are all the gentlemen hiding!

The last thing anyone wants to do is come across needy, when they could be actually the opposite, but it does get to a point of hurt, when you’re the one instigating all of the chat.

Do you wonder what would happen if you didn’t contact him? Do you worry romance will fade? Does it feel that every week, you tell yourself ‘I’m not going to text him’ , but then after a few days you end up cracking.

When you text him, and he replies, do you sit there, thinking, ‘is he just bored, is he being polite, is he with anyone? It is so hard trying to figure men out, they play games, without realising they are playing games.

Lets talk about the reasons, it could be you texting first…

1.He has a crazy busy lifestyle

It is the simplest explanation but maybe he is just busy and stressed with life, so hasn’t got the time to sit and chat. You do need to think, if he doesn’t have time to chat, then he doesn’t really have the time for a relationship… sorry to say but true.

2. He just isn’t a texter

Guys just don’t communicate like girls do, I mean a % will, but its rare, and they don’t think like we do. Us women appreciate a ‘good morning text’ , ‘good night sweet dreams’ text, but only the very few gentlemen who feel lucky to have the girl will be thoughtful enough to do this, a clear indication if a guy likes you. If a guy is really into you, he will wake up in the morning, and want to text you, will want to see whats on your instagram story from the night before, he will do it without realising.

3. He isn’t sure on his feelings towards you, so doesn’t want to lead you on

Something about you intrigues him, but he isn’t sure if you’re right, if he’s ready for a relationship, or if he just wants to carry on playing the field, so rather than flirt with you (in his eyes by texting first may make you think he’s into you more than he is) , he probably does like you, and thats why he does think like this, but remember this isn’t about you, its about him. Some guys just don’t see what goodness is in front of them, and can talk theirselves out of what could be something incredible.

For guys like this, it really is worth not texting them, if they genuinely like you they will reach out, if they don’t reach out, you have your answer, and if you do not want the latter to happen, then we need to install the ‘Hero instinct’ , new psychology, has proved men want to be your hero.. take a peek at psychologist James Bauer, he provides great insight into the concept.

4. He is deliberately dangling the carrot and enjoying it..

There are guys out there sadly, that get off on the fantasy, that this gorgeous woman (you) wants them, wants them sexually and in every way, they fantasise about bumping into you, fantasise about you sexually, and get off on the idea that they could almost (in their heads) click their fingers and you would be there. This is a power trip and should be a huge red flag, run for the hills girls, because this man has issues. He does not deserve getting in your head. You’re worth more than a fantasy fuck.

5. He just wants to date and not commit to a relationship

You have probably been here yourself , liked someone but just not enough to give updating, and it could be they end up in your archived, but sadly it kills us, when this is returned, but this is the fact of life. This i not a reflection on your worth, please remember that. It could be he just isn’t looking for a relationship with anyone, or it could be he just isn’t sure if you are right for him just yet, and maybe he thinks he should cut you off, but can’t, because maybe he does consciously like you, or maybe he just can’t nail if he does or not. Confusing hey? But that’s human emotions for you…

No girl can convince a man to be with them, what tends to happen, is stereotypical, a guy will meet an amazing woman, but over time fish around, and then start to question if girl A (YOU) are right for him, in his head he will think, no I wouldnt be interested in girl B or girl C , if I liked girl A, and then the over thinking kicks in, but then when girl B and C disappear, he starts to think why is girl A. still around, or even still on his mind. You convince a man to like you girls, he will want someone to tick every box, but over time he will suddenly be like well she ticked 8 boxed out of 10 but is so special, and sadly by this time, you’d have been swept off your feet, by someone who doesn’t have to think twice.

Infatuation in a males mind, is driven deep by a primal drive, and yes you can introduce words and play on sexual compatiability , he is driven by sexual urge first and foremost, until he has time to think about this.

6. He has recently broken up with someone, or still in love with his ex?

Men just need time, and you wouldn’t want to rush or push. aman who is in this head space.

7. Perhaps he is just scared

Maybe they do not trust women, maybe they have been hurt, maybe they are scared of getting into another ‘shit’ relationship.

Men and women can hurt each other, and he may be fearful and genuine, in not wanting to rush, or be hurt again.

8. Maybe he just is not into you?

I am truly pained writing this, I find it a struggle, but maybe it is the reality we all need to face at times. Perhaps he asked for the first date , because of that primal drive, but after that it quickly died off. Anyone can read body language, and a first date body language speaks volumes, in an ideal world, you will meet and want to kiss each other straight away, but then sadly we can meet people and be given the ick, within minutes, nothing worse.

If the first date went amazing, then its pretty clear a second date will follow within two weeks, now unless he is the tinder swindler and faked the whole chemistry of the first date, then you know you’re onto a winner, if a second date proceeds, and girls never ask for a second date, remember that.

9. He is super arrogant, and thinks you will always text first.

Oh these are the ones that say they are confident, but actually just RUDE AF. He will think he is better than you, and above you, and feels it is you who needs to chase him, walk away girls, walk away.

10. They like to play hard to get, and test you

Can. we take a moment, to just YAWNNNNNN!!! Guys like this just like to play the game on who likes each other more… they will obviously want you to really show you are into them, but sadly for most women, give it a month, and we see a boy and not a man..

He will give off this air of arrogance (he will call it confidence) , make out he has other options, just to keep us on our toes, but this man likes a woman to crave him, and likes the fact she is on her toes, again something in our primal brain that kills the attraction and respect very quickly.

SO….

Yes it is 2023 but a man expecting a woman to do all the chasing is disrespectful, and the balance isn’t right, balance is key for longevity, in a true partnership and true love, respect is what holds the love together, without this… there is nothing, so always tell yourself this..