Tag: situationships

Why Modern Dating Hurts So Much: Attachment, Rejection, and Healing in Today’s Post-COVID World

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Modern dating is changing us. Not just how we meet partners, but how we relate to ourselves, our self-worth, our boundaries, our hope for connection. Something in today’s dating culture is making us forget who we are, what we deserve, and how to love ourselves first.

I’ve been watching, not just in my life, but in conversations, in friends’ stories, in what feels like the general pulse of modern love, and I’ve realised there’s something dark and quiet happening inside us. There’s something about today’s post-COVID dating world that’s not just reshaping the way we date, but the way we see ourselves. and I think it’s worth calling it out and us taking time to visit this…

Today’s post-COVID dating world is fast, unpredictable, and constantly in motion. Apps give us swipe-based access to hundreds of faces we never would have met 20 years ago. On paper, it looks like endless choice. In reality, it often produces:

  • emotional burnout
  • attachment anxiety
  • confusion and insecurity
  • fear of intimacy
  • fear of rejection

We’re wired for love – but we’re living in a culture that prioritises availability over authenticity and options over depth.

We’re wired for connection – but the environment keeps pulling us away

As human beings, our biology and psychology are designed for connection, belonging, intimacy. From the moment we were born, being seen, held, accepted mattered. Security, attachment, we evolved to crave these things because they helped us survive and thrive.

But fast forward to now, apps, social media, endless options, midnight messages, “situationships,” and ghosting. On paper, we have more “freedom” and “choice” than ever. But in practice, many of us are more isolated, more anxious, more starved for real connection.

We’ve built a dating culture that normalises disposability and emotional detachment, a culture where it’s normal to treat intimacy like a transaction, and then wonder why we feel hollow.

So when someone shows even a gesture of interest, a kind smile, a compliment,  a deep chat, even just attention, our nervous system reacts like it’s light. We crave that light. We lean into that possibility of warmth the way a plant leans toward the sun. It’s instinct, it awakens us, we WANT the light!

The biology of intimacy – why “casual” doesn’t stay casual

We tell ourselves we’re fine with casual. However our biology often thinks differently. Intimacy, emotional or physical – releases chemicals: hormones like oxytocin, bound up with bonding and trust; neurotransmitters like dopamine, tied with reward, pleasure, anticipation. Touch, warmth, closeness – they make us feel safe, seen, wanted.

Human beings aren’t built for disposability. Physically, emotionally, chemically:

  • Oxytocin (bonding + connection hormone)
  • Dopamine (reward + longing chemical)
  • Vasopressin (attachment + pair-bonding hormone)

These aren’t psychological myths — they’re biology. Intimacy signals to the brain:

Once those signals hit us, we begin to tether, Not necessarily consciously, but deep in our limbic system: “This person made me feel something real.” Maybe for a night, Maybe for a conversation. But real enough.

When that tether is formed, the weight of rejection doesn’t just feel like a lost relationship – it feels like a disruption of safety, of attachment, of self-value.

That’s why sometimes, after the “casual thing,” heartbreak doesn’t feel casual at all. It feels raw, visceral, heavy, because we attached, and tried to convince ourselves “We just wanted fun”. 

Attachment styles, vulnerability and the modern dating trap

Part of the struggle lies in our variation in attachment styles. Some of us find comfort in closeness; some recoil at it; some oscillate between the two. Roughly a third to two-fifths of adults show some kind of insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant or disorganised). Among those, some lean toward anxious attachment – craving closeness and validation, but haunted by fear of abandonment or rejection.

In a dating environment rife with uncertainty (ghosting, mixed signals, hot-and-cold behaviour, ambiguous “situationships”), anxious people get caught in a loop:

  • They seek validation: “If I can just get this person to like me – text me, stay with me – I’ll feel safe.”
  • They become available, open, emotionally generous, seeking connection.
  • But availability sometimes gets misinterpreted as access, not value.
  • They stay, hoping for stability or love; but often meet inconsistency, indifference, or rejection.
  • Their own emotional need is dismissed, ignored, or undercut – and they’re left feeling replaceable.

That leaves a deeper wound than just being single. It chips away at self-worth. It consumes us. We try to convince ourselves we have the power, but we don’t! We don’t at all, but our conscious mind will do anything to convince us, ‘We’re ok!’ 

The paradox of “availability” vs “value” in modern dating

Here’s the painful paradox I keep seeing and not only that, what I have experienced myself:

  • If a person (often a woman) is warm, available, open to love – they are ready for connection. They offer emotional honesty, clarity, possibility.
  • Yet, sometimes the people who are genuinely looking for that kind of connection don’t recognise its value. They expect something easier: fun, convenience, less emotional labour.
  • On the other hand, a person who seems harder to get – more aloof, more “mysterious,” more reserved – can sometimes be perceived as more desirable simply because there’s a sense of challenge, of scarcity, of chase.

Sociologically and psychologically, it’s a glaring mismatch between what we need (authentic connection, emotional honesty, mutual respect) and what gets rewarded (scarcity, challenge, detachment).

It’s not about “blame” – it’s about recognising that the marketplace of modern dating values the wrong things and for those who come to it with softness, vulnerability, readiness for love –  it’s often the hardest place to find what they genuinely seek.

Rejection: more than just “loss” it’s an identity fracture

When we get rejected, when someone disappears, or treats us like we were never a priority, it doesn’t just sting. It shakes something deeper. I myself have struggled over the years with this, even trying with various therapists to understand the root cause of it all, and I know the answers now, however for most of my life, I was left feeling unwanted, unloved and rejected..

  • Validation-based self-worth: If a lot of our self-esteem depends on “being wanted,” then rejection becomes proof of inadequacy, unworthiness, or invisibility.
  • Attachment rupture: Because our nervous system may have already started to bond, rejection doesn’t feel like a story that ends , it feels like a safe place collapsing, and our whole world is crumbling
  • Internalising blame: We tend to whisper (or shout) to ourselves: “I’m too much / not enough / unlovable.” And instead of seeing that the system is what’s broken, we turn the mirror on ourselves.

In today’s environment, rejection isn’t just a breakup. It’s often felt like a personal failure.

What are we really chasing and what’s missing?

Maybe what we’re seeking is not another person. Maybe we’re seeking:

  • To be seen, to feel that someone understands us beyond the surface.
  • To be valued, to believe that who we are, what we bring, matters.
  • To be safe , emotionally, physically, mentally.
  • To belong,  to connect, to share, to build.

What so many of us discover and sometimes too late, is that these things likely begin with self. If we don’t see ourselves as worthy, safe, valuable, and whole … then no external validation can truly fill that void.

And what gets missing in that chase is often self-respect, self-compassion, self-understanding.

Healing isn’t about “not wanting love” – it’s about redefining where love starts

We can’t necessarily change the system. We can’t rename apps. We can’t make society stop valuing challenge over emotional availability. But we can start changing ourselves. We can build a different inner story. One grounded not in external validation, but internal integrity.

Here’s a rough “healing script” I’m writing for myself , maybe you, or anyone reading this, might relate too:

  1. Recognise my own worth – independent of attention. I am worthy whether someone texts me or not. I am love; I don’t need someone else to confirm it.
  2. Slow down intimacy – emotional and physical. Intimacy doesn’t have to be fast. I give my body, my heart the time to read: “Is this person safe? Do I feel respected?” before I lean in. Of course as any sexual being, of course I crave intimacy, but after my celibacy journey I realised, what I have holds value to me.
  3. Cultivate inner validation, with self-care, self-love, self-respect. I get to look in the mirror and say: “You matter. You deserve respect. You don’t need to chase love – you need to walk towards it.”
  4. Seek emotional clarity – not just physical. I value people who show up with words and actions that match. I’m not afraid to ask: “What do you want? Why are you here?”!!! Don’t be afraid to as that! Sleeping with someone will not suddenly make them fall in love with you! Trust me im pretty confident in the bedroom, but it doesn’t cast them under some love spell!
  5. Set boundaries – protect my time, energy, heart. I will not compromise my self-respect just to feel desired or accepted. I will leave what feels like convenience rather than connection.
  • Find belonging in my community and self-worth in purpose. Real love, trust, and belonging may come from friendships, passions, creativity – not just romantic pursuit.
  • Hold space for growth, patience, and self-compassion. Healing takes time. I might stumble, I might be impatient. I choose to believe that I and the people who deserve me, are worth waiting for.

Conclusion: Relearning love from the inside out

This isn’t a manifesto against dating, sex, or modern love. I still believe in love. I still believe in connection. I still believe in the power of human closeness.

What we’re really fighting against,  what we need to heal from, is the dissonance between what our hearts and bodies crave, and what this fast-moving world offers.

We’re not broken for wanting love, or for wanting closeness. We’re human. We’re wired for bonding, for care, for tenderness.

But maybe the first step is to stop chasing love as a drug. Maybe the first step is to reclaim love from within, to remind ourselves that we are already whole, already worthy, already enough. To remind ourselves its all just chemical reactions… 

Maybe then, when we do open ourselves to another person, it won’t be out of desperation, longing, or validation-hunger, but out of a surplus of self-love.

Because the love we truly deserve isn’t transactional. It’s not earned by being “easy to get” or “hard to win.” It’s simply a reflection, of how much we respect ourselves, believe in ourselves, and hold ourselves worthy of loyalty, kindness, and care.

Maybe, if enough of us do that , change the way we love ourselves first,  we begin to change the way we let others love us.

Why Dating Feels Hard in 2025: Romance, Apps & Real Connection

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Modern dating feels harder than ever. From dating apps to emotional disconnect, here’s why relationships feel complicated in 2025 , and why real romance isn’t dead.

How Do We Meet People These Days , and Can We Still Find Something Real?

There was a time when meeting someone happened almost by accident. You’d bump into someone in the supermarket, catch a stranger’s eye in a coffee shop, (we all know this happens to me all the time lol) or be introduced through a friend, and romance seemed to unfold naturally. Our grandparents didn’t have dating apps, social media or an endless stream of profiles. If they found someone attractive, they simply had to talk to them or the moment would pass forever and sometimes I do wonder whether that made them braver. Not necessarily more confident, just more present in real life because they didn’t have another option.

These days, even if you see someone across a cafe whom you’re drawn to, you probably look away, second-guess yourself, or assume they’re unavailable. I’m the girl on a night out, who gets called ‘stuck up’ because I wear an engagement ring, when I’m single, and refuses to talk to anyone, and so be it, if people want to knock me for that, but I have this deep rooted personal issue, of not wanting to give people the wrong idea, and then when someone is attractive I’m too bloody shy to chat anyway, so apps have been for me the only way to truly meet someone.

Modern dating culture has conditioned us to believe that real-life connection is unusual, almost surprising, when not so long ago it was the most natural way people met. It’s not that our confidence has disappeared; it’s that the world around us has changed. Our social circles have become smaller, our work-life routines more insular, and the unspoken rule now is that if you’re single, you should be on a dating app.

In 2025, dating apps have become the dominant way to meet people. You match, chat, hope, and repeat. And while dating apps open doors, they also create complications. There’s choice overload, emotional burnout, lack of effort, and this strange feeling that everything has become disposable. Even though a large percentage of newly married couples meet online now, and around a third of adults have used apps, not all of them feel that deeper sense of connection or relationship satisfaction. In fact, some research suggests that couples who meet offline tend to feel more stable and more connected long term. So while apps give us access to more people, they don’t necessarily make it easier to find something meaningful.

What feels hardest in modern dating is how quickly things shift when two people start to genuinely like each other. You can meet someone amazing, feel a spark, be open and honest about how you feel, and suddenly the other person goes cold. It’s a pattern so many of us recognise now, and it hurts. Honesty, which should bring people closer, often seems to push one person away, And in 2025, people are terrified of being seen as “too keen,” “love bombing,” or “moving too fast,” so they hold their feelings back and hope the other person will magically intuit how they feel, and it all falls to shit! Sorry to be blunt but it does, ‘He’s not into me’ is what I think, and then as soon as I call it off, he’s like, ‘I really like you’ – TOO Late, i’ve checked out!

There are psychological and biological layers to this. When we meet someone who excites us, our bodies release dopamine and adrenaline the “new attraction” chemicals. It feels intense, addictive, hopeful. But after a few weeks, those chemicals naturally settle. If the connection doesn’t develop into deeper bonding — the oxytocin stage — the initial rush fades. Many women tend to become more emotionally invested during that bonding period, while some men may start feeling pressure, uncertainty or emotional withdrawal. It isn’t universal, but it helps explain why one person leans in while the other pulls back, and even the emotionally stable, can still be like this, I have seen men and women so incredibly self aware, not understand the biology of this period.

Then there’s the lifestyle side of modern dating. So many people say they want a relationship, yet their behaviour shows something different. They want the companionship, but not the compromise. They want closeness, but not change. We’ve normalised this idea of “this is my life — if you want me, you fit into it,” making relationships feel like something that must not disrupt personal freedom. The result? Many people like the idea of love far more than they like the reality of having to make space for it. Everyone these days is like “I love my own space”, “I enjoy my own company” – Great, good for you, but are you realising a real relationship that won’t fail = Adaptations, effort and change!

This is especially painful when you’re a giver. I know this personally. I’m a selfless person by nature — I care, I give, I show up for others emotionally and physically and because of that, people often take me for granted. I’ve experienced it in dating, friendships and even family. People get used to you being the one who understands, who adjusts, who nurtures, who comforts, who puts in the extra effort and they begin to rely on it without ever matching it. Takers are often drawn to givers because givers make their lives easier and givers, hoping for reciprocity, often hold on longer than they should. It’s a hard, painful imbalance that has become more visible in today’s dating world. I mean we are not going back to the Giraffe and Lion story, you don’t have to be a narcissist to feed off others…

It also ties into something else: fear of losing freedom. Modern dating has created a culture where people want emotional security without sacrificing independence. They want someone, but they don’t want to change anything about their life to accommodate that someone. They want connection, but not commitment that requires effort, and unless two people are equally ready to show up emotionally and practically, dating becomes an exhausting game of mismatched expectations.

But even with all of this, the apps, the fear, the disposability, the emotional imbalance, I do still believe romance exists. Not in a grand, cinematic way, but in the quiet, steady ways two people show up for each other. There are people who want to go above and beyond emotionally. People who want to care deeply, build a partnership, prioritise each other, and make their partner feel chosen and valued. These people are absolutely out there, even if they get overshadowed by the noise of modern dating apps, they could very well sat on dating apps, and they could be sat there with an inbox full, but waiting for someone like you, to show up!

The truth is, being on your own isn’t a failure. If anything, it’s where your strength grows. Being single gives you space to understand who you are, what you want, what you deserve, and what your boundaries are. Your independence becomes an asset, not a barrier. When you stand strong in yourself, you choose better. You stop tolerating less than you deserve. You recognise taking behaviour sooner. And you attract people who value your strength instead of draining it. You need to look in the mirror and love who looks back a you, love that person, and realise they need nurturing above anyone and all else. I make this a priority of mine, I look in the mirror or I take a selfie, and tell myself, Kerry you are worth more.. so do the same and never stop.

So yes, dating apps might be the main way to meet someone in 2025, and spontaneous real-life encounters might be rarer, however that doesn’t mean real love has disappeared. It means we approach dating with more awareness, more intention, and more self-worth. It means we stay open, but grounded. Hopeful, but realistic and it means we believe that the right person, whether found on an app, in a coffee shop, or through a friend, will match our effort, not take advantage of it. They will make space for us, not ask us to shrink. They will honour our giving nature, not drain it.

Romance is still alive. Good people do still exist. And no matter how complicated modern dating becomes, it’s always worth giving someone a chance when they show you they’re ready to show up too.

If we don’t keep taking chances , how will we ever know…

The Game..

TheGirlWho1 Comment

The game! Here is where we go wrong, I can write this, you can read it, but honestly it won’t change you or me…

Ok…

Girl meets boy, girl and boy chat nice things, sex things, marriage things. Girl goes on a date with boy, girl and boy have sex, girl goes home smiling. Girl texts boy to thank him for an amazing night, no answer, Girl calls boy in her lunch break, no answer. Girl texts after work, with deliver report on, still no answer from boy. Girl texts boy good night. Still no answer.

Two days pass, girl texts boy a few more times, still no answer. Girl thinks, has boy died? Is boy ok? Has boy fell down a mine and needs rescuing? Girl texts boy, “are you ok?” , no answer, girl is confused! Girl logs onto instagram, searches boy, boy updated status two hours ago, pheeeew! Boy is still alive! Girl thinks, maybe girl has done something wrong? Girl texts boy, girl apologises, for something, but not sure what, still no answer from boy! Girl over thinks, girl gets upset, girl cries, girl can’t eat, girl can’t sleep, girl feels sad.

Girls great auntie dies, girl texts boy to tell boy, still no answer, it gets worse, girls pet gerbil dies, girl texts boy, still no answer, girl cries again. Girl goes back to dating website, chats to more boys, but still girl texts original boy, girl thinks, girl compares all nice guys to boy, girl texts boy, still no answer….. Girl demands answers… Still no answer..

FUCK!!! When do we stop, this is what we do!! This is what us women do, I mean surely he is interested right? Surely he liked us right? This is what girls do… 

The best of it is, this situation isn’t just about boy??!!! It’s the challenge we like. Competitive or not, this is what we do! You could be the most beautiful girl on the planet, yet this will still happen with at least 1 or 2 guys in your life time, you could run your own successful businesses, yet still you become girl who lies on the couch not knowing what is going on! As women we like to win, we like to succeed, we like to know if there is a problem, because we are super human after all, we can fix anything, yes?

It’s not the boy that’s the goal here, it’s the contact! We need it, we fantasies about it, we feel we need it, in order to function! It’s the dopamine hit, the adrenaline, the addiction. Because every-time we speak to boy our dopamine levels are increased and we like that feeling, it’s the feeling we want and desire, not always the boy. Meanwhile boy is a big headed dick, who has just had his ego inflated even more. Sorry buddy, its not you the girl is chasing!!

Deep down, we know boy is a twat, not worth our time, any man who does that, is not worth it, good banter, good sex! Check your contacts girls, there are already several replacements awaiting your attention!

However none of them are boy! Boy becomes unreachable, and as humans we aim for what we can’t have! We desire what we can’t have.. We become addicted, an adrenalin rush, it heightens our sexual desires, wanting something we can’t have! We chase the thrill…

How do we stop this? How do we stop fantasising, that boy is having a bad week, and will get in touch, turn up with flowers, and be become the one… on rare occasions, after boy has fished around, boy does return, and does become mr perfect, maybe he did like you but was scared by commitment!!! Blah blah blah, I’m calling bull shit on that! If a guy is a genuine guy, he will want you, and no-one else. If a guy can fill your world with attention and disappear and have no thought about how much you like him, then what kind of human being is this?? Ghosting is cruel AF, and I hear it happening more and more. Guys will meet a girl, like a girl, but then a) Think the grass is greener b) be scared of liking the girl c) not feel ready for commitment … its quite simple. Men are a strange species, they think with their dicks, and when that initial lust dies, they want to move on, but guaranteed if you’re a good woman, they will orbit the fuck out of you, because they may like you a lot, and be intrigued by you, but overthink the situation massively. It’s like, part of them thinks Nah she’s not for me, but then there is a part of them, that is like ‘What is it about her’ , something even they can’t figure out, but their subconscious is perhaps more keen than they realise. 

Let’s think… I mean after all, as a sex, we are constantly over thinking to! What is it about boy, that makes him so special, if you took the chase out of it.. What is left? What can big offer you… He’s already shown you he bails? He’s already when you, that you are second to his über ego, yes already shown you, that he can hurt you, without a glimpse of guilt!! Is this the kind of man you need in your life? Was he really amazing, or was it just a big fat lie! To get you in his bed!

What we need, and I speak for myself here, is a man mature enough to know what he wants in life, a man to want love and happiness, and to realise maybe he does like the girl.. but men have so much variety at the touch of a button, and this is where it all goes wrong, because a man could meet mrs right forever, but still think he wants Mrs right now, fact is most guys are closed books even to theirselves, women can mess guys heads up to, they can wrestle with the weighing everything up, they will ponder back and forth, and sometimes reach the wrong decision without realising, but so can we, its called being human. We all fuck up, it’s part of the lesson of life, we let go of diamonds, men and women, sometimes we just don’t realise what we have at the time. This has happened a few times to me, I tend to date guys who are so laid back, they’re lay flat on their backs, and they can’t keep up with me, they find me immature, too chatty, too affectionate, but then they realise when they’re married off, or back being single, that wow she was really the best! I don’t say that easily, its just fact. Lets take Dave, now its been nearly 20 years since we dated, and every now and then he pops up, i’m sure he is on my block list on IG, but considering I have been moderately behaved in my 40 years, the return ratio of people reaching out every year or two, is bloody high. Some guys, I was never romantically involved with, but just have been in my orbit 10-20 years, like a strange little fixation, maybe I just bring energy to their day, but they watch every single work story I post, because the only way they can access me is via my work profiles. Odd!! The girls have a running joke, because it always happens, and it’s like they all like to keep a check on me, I like to think i’m memorable 😉 the daft, crazy girl from the midlands. The one they let get away and regret lol!

When I mentioned in last nights post, a lot of people hide behind a fake persona, and aren’t theirselves, and become who you want them to be, or who they think you want them to be, and with me I’m me, I don’t have nothing to hide, and I want longevity in love and friendships, so I say to everyone just be yourself, don’t play games, show who you are from the start, and there will be boys that love you and boys that don’t… boys that like you, and boys that don’t!

Remember girls, boys don’t see it as game playing, their fucked up, do they want it, don’t they want it mind, but yes its games, they can’t quite give you up, but then can’t quite decide if you are a 7 or 8, the deciding number! But girls, let’s evaluate this, as much as we can like boy, do we really need that dopamine hit that much, that it makes us feel shit, do we really need to be beating ourselves up, that perhaps we got way too close?? 

I recently found myself having levels of conversations, I don’t quite think I have had before, and whilst it excited the hell out of me, and I thought, maybe there is life after my ex, I then started to think, well if he can have this conversation level with me, how many more girls is he like this with, and that scared me, because I realised , fuck I like this guy, A LOT! Then the overthinking on the return path started, what if he thinks, i’m having this level of conversation with others, and this scared me off chatting to people! I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, shame, and quite disgusted with myself, I mean I hadn’t done anything wrong in hindsight, and in my own little Kerry world, I was really convinced something was there, and something was going to happen, so I invested and let my guard down, like I hadn’t before, and to be honest I spent a few weeks after not being able to eat or sleep, because I felt so disappointed in myself, the situation, in him, I had been blinded, thinking, this jigsaw piece actually matches on so many levels, wow, but sadly for me, (maybe I should say him tbh) he wasn’t on the same page, and I cringe with the ‘Its not you its me’ , first time for everything in life! I’m defo a sore looser and I think more so because what I felt and feel is/was genuine, but thats the thing, I guess I have never played the field so to speak, I have always been in a relationship, so never found myself in a situationship. I went on a date with another guy the other week, and all the way through, I was trying to be optimistic, see the positives, and I had , had the girls bang on, saying give it a chance, but as enjoyable as it was, I still couldn’t feel it, so I called a second date off… I just guess thats what life feels like right now, a big game, always someone dumping someone somewhere, because we’re indecisive and unsure who is right, who is wrong, who we want, who we don’t want, variety or monogamy, a good person, or a good looking person, we want packages that don’t exist, we want a human that isn’t yet on the market or possibly ever available. Social media has led us to this world of craving perfection, but does it really exist. 

Some days I know what I want, some days I change my mind, but I do know, I want me and my little boy to be happy, I don’t want to be with someone who can’t work out if they like me, my life experiences and heart deserve better than that, I am far from perfect, who is? But we are human, and beneath the falseness and external appearance, we have hearts, and anyone willing to play with those hearts, in their games, their orbiting, their ghosting, isn’t worth our time, respect and love, have to come from within, however hard it may be, however much you can look at someone and melt, they are not worth it! Save your heart and maybe , just maybe, prince charming will sweep you off your feet, maybe he will wake most days thinking off you, maybe he will think you’re worth a second date , maybe he will shower you with genuine compliments and affection, and can’t wait to hold you in his arms… and maybe just maybe, when you kiss, its something else, and a kiss both of you haven’t felt before, or in a long time, hold out your mind and body for that person….

Love 

Kerry xxx