Tag: toxic masculinity

Why Studying Relationships, Love and Sex -Changed My Dating Life

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Why I date different Now: Time, Boundaries and emotional capacity.

As I study to become a therapist – particularly in love, attachment, sexual development, and relationships, something unexpected has happened.

The more I understand relationships, the more intentional I’ve become about the ones I allow into my life.

That doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith in love.

It means I’ve gained clarity.

What Being a Gentleman Really Means

There’s a difference between manners and character. Small gestures matter, of course, but real emotional maturity goes deeper than surface charm. Consistency, integrity, and follow-through are what sustain connection over time.

Connection isn’t something you perform for a few weeks. It’s something you live, especially when things slow down, become familiar, or require effort.

Boundaries Are Not Barriers

People often assume that because I set boundaries clearly, I must be “hard work.”

But boundaries aren’t walls, they’re guidelines for respect.

If someone wants my mind, my connection, my body, and my energy, that should be mutual. I believe both people should earn each other, at the same pace, with the same intention.

My Love Language Is Time

One thing I’ve come to understand about myself is that my love language is time.

Not grand gestures. Not constant texting. BUT Presence.

Time is the clearest signal of intention. When someone makes time for you, they’re showing that they’re open, emotionally and practically, to building something. They’re showing availability, not just interest.

And equally important: not everyone can make time.

That doesn’t make someone wrong, unavailable, or unkind. Sometimes people are aligned with you in many ways, but they simply don’t have the capacity for a relationship, logistically, emotionally, or both. The age I’m at now, men and women are in their ‘Selfish’ phase recapturing the years as a parent or wrong relationship, so letting someone else in, doesn’t often work, until they’ve really healed. I spot it a mile off, and it makes me back off, because I will test the waters with availability, and I get a feeling very fast. However like I always say it is what it is, and one mans loss is another mans gain.. (I fucking hope so anyway)

And that has to be okay… I think?

Capacity Matters — On Both Sides

I often question whether I have the capacity for a relationship myself. Between my work, my studies, and the life I’ve built, I’ve had to ask that honestly.

This summer felt like a quiet test. What I noticed is that when someone genuinely captures my heart, I do make time. I create space. I shift priorities. There is with me a pull towards want, I may not need, but I would say ‘Like’ a relationship, and yes that key evidence is time..

That’s how I know time matters to me — because I offer it when it’s real.

What I don’t yet know is whether I’ve captured someone else’s heart in the same way. Post Covid dating, is a mile away from dating 10 years ago, and it’s literally horrific!

Intention Over Attention

I’m not interested in connection without direction.. I mean what is the point in one night stands, no thank you, I deserve better!

I don’t want endless messaging with no plan, or conversations that drift without purpose. I value intention, presence, and someone who wants to see me, and shows that through action. I value a man who is confident in dating women his own age, and not dating women 10 years younger just to find validation. Connection is so important.

There’s something deeply reassuring about someone who says, “I want to spend time with you,” and then follows through.

I’m Not a Text Pen Pal

What I have noticed lately is men wanting to access without intention.

They chat, They disappear, They return, they mirror your interests, They force connection. All desperation – not desire.

I don’t want nor need

  • A text pen pal
  • Endless FaceTimes to pass someones lonely nights
  • Swiping apps
  • Emotional ambiguity

I want leadership. I’m a traditional – Not in a submission, but in polarity. I’m not trying to be ‘one of the boys’. I’m very much in my feminine power, and I want a man who meets me in his masculine – Naturally, not performatively.

Consistency Is the Foundation

Consistency is the bare minimum. Inconsistency is just a flag for me (pink or red situation dependent) Inconsistency doesn’t make someone a bad person , it simply reveals misalignment.

I don’t need validation. I’m confident in who I am and the life I’ve created. What I look for is consistency, curiosity, and emotional availability, someone who shows up, communicates clearly, and understands that connection requires time, not just words.

My life, my look can intimidate men, but then I look at the exes I have remained friends with, and they know the real me, the soft, nurturing wife, mummy, friend. So I know those I intimidate.. aren’t right for me, I saw that this summer, he chipped away at everything he fell in love with it.. because as you will recall what was said ‘Kerry Men are 51% and women will always be 49%.

Alone Isn’t the Same as Lonely

I’m not afraid of being single. I value my independence and my peace. What I’m mindful of is choosing wisely. The fear isn’t weakness – It’s wisdom! 42 Years of Kerry wisdom perfected. My own self awareness so awake, that there is a completeness to knowing exactly what I want, but also what I deserve.

The right connection won’t require me to wonder where I stand. It will feel reciprocal, steady, and considered.

This isn’t just about me though, it’s about everyone.

Don’t settle, AIM HIGH!

No I don’t mean in the sense of constantly chasing ‘something better’ but in recognising real alignment when it happens, when it appears, and CHERISH IT!

When someone truly sees you, chooses you and shows up, that’s rare and that’s special – Hold onto that!

So Where Am I Now?

Right now, I’m here — grounded, open, and discerning.

As you mature, things change, the boat gets rocked, one day you wake up, and the boyfriend type who used to fit in with your friends and social circle, seems somewhat distant, the conforming boyfriends, seems a million miles away from where you want to be. Yes my 20’s and 30’s the looks, the social circle and friendship circles mattered, but as you mature, you start to realise, what seemed like perfect alignments, change.. and wow the last 2 years, I’ve felt the shift in me.

I believe there is someone out there who understands that time is love. Someone who has the capacity to show up, to plan, to be present and maybe not perfectly, but intentionally. Yes I closed the door on potentials very quickly, because I’m high value, and I don’t need ‘maybe’ in my life. You’re in or out.. let’s not work with blurred or grey lines.

And if that person hasn’t found me yet, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist..

It just means the story isn’t finished… and these mishaps (ahem Mistakes ssssh) that I keep having, are just part of my own journey… so I’m returning back to my morning coffee and all I can say is….

TO BE CONTINUED….

Why men say all the right things, then disappear after intimacy: The Psychology behind mixed signals..

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why someone could look you in the eyes, promise connection, talk about a future with you, make you feel chosen… only to vanish after sex, you’re not alone. In today’s dating world, this is one of the most common and painful experiences many women face. We hear all the right words, we feel the emotional spark, we start to trust what’s being built… and then suddenly, the warmth turns cold.

This blog explores why this happens, what’s really going on psychologically, emotionally, and behaviourally and most importantly, why this isn’t a reflection of your worth. If you’ve been ghosted, future-faked, or emotionally led on, I want you to feel seen, validated, and empowered by the end of this. It’s shitty but it happens, and we can’t help it when the anxiety sets in, finally you thought you’d met a good’un, only for them to turn out like everyone else!

The Good morning and sweet dreams texts vanish, the X at the end of messages vanish, the ‘We’ve got this’ is a long distance memory and the ‘next date’ talk dries up dryer than the Sahara. There is a real sadness to this, and its something I have studied deeply, yet I still don’t have the answers, I still cannot understand why people treat the other party like this, because its painful and hurtful, and however strong you are as a person, it can still be crushing, facing the reality, that they ‘Just aren’t into you’ – Wow now that reminds me of one of my first blogs! (Anyone remember)!

Why Do Some Men Say All the Right Things… Then disappear?

There’s a specific kind of heartbreak that doesn’t just hurt, it leaves you confused, doubting yourself, and second-guessing everything that felt real. One minute he’s saying, “I can’t wait to spend more time with you,” “We’re going to get through this together,” and “I see something with us.” The next minute? He’s cold, distant, silent, or suddenly dealing with problems that never existed before.

But here’s the part most women never get told: this pattern has nothing to do with your value. It has everything to do with his lack of integrity, emotional maturity, and capacity for real intimacy.. FACT!

Some people use Words as Tools, not Promises

There are men who treat words like currency, something they spend to get what they want in the moment. They say whatever will create closeness, comfort, and trust, without thinking about the emotional consequences.

They’re not necessarily masterminds or villains; they’re emotionally immature.

To them, phrases like:

  • “I’m really into you.”
  • “I can’t wait to see where this goes.”
  • “We could be great together.”

…are more about creating a vibe than establishing a genuine intention. Meanwhile, you take those words seriously, because you meant yours.

Sex and intimacy triggers Vulnerability, and Avoidant men panic

For emotionally unavailable or avoidant men, sex is the moment when everything suddenly feels “real.” This is when he realises he might need to follow through. He might need to show up. He might need to actually invest.

Instead of communicating like an adult, he withdraws.

He blames stress, work, family problems, mental health, anything that lets him exit the situation while saving face. These “problems” usually appear out of nowhere because they’re not genuine issues, they’re escape routes. They’re his reason to go cold, his reason to run away.

They want the Fantasy, not the responsibility

This is a big one.

Some men genuinely love the idea of connection.

They love the chase.

They love the emotional intensity.

They love feeling wanted.

But when it’s time to turn that fantasy into something real, consistency, communication, accountability, they freeze. They don’t want a relationship; they want a moment and when the moment is over, so is their effort.

Their Disappearance is not a Reflection of You

This part matters:

Just because someone wasn’t able to follow through doesn’t mean you weren’t enough. It means they weren’t capable.

A man who is ready, emotionally aware, and genuinely interested won’t go cold after intimacy. He won’t future-fake. He won’t treat closeness as a performance and then retreat as soon as the spotlight fades. His behavior says nothing about your desirability, beauty, value, or lovability.

It only reveals his emotional limits.

The Hard Truth: Some men chase the high, not the Connection

There are men who treat dating like a dopamine sport. The chase is intoxicating. The validation is addictive. The thrill keeps them engaged, but only until the novelty wears off.

Once the excitement shifts into something deeper and more vulnerable, they disconnect. Not because you changed, but because the game did, the hormones feel different, and they are not self aware or knowledgeable to realise, they’re playing on hormones.

It’s not Just “Rump and Dump” … It’s Emotional Dishonesty

The sexual part is only half the issue. The deeper betrayal is the emotional deception. He didn’t just use your body, he used your mind, your trust, your vulnerability, your openness. He convinced himself you were what he wanted, but then he knew he doesn’t know what he truly wants in life anyway!

And that kind of behaviour isn’t about sex; it’s about character.

Rump and dump is a term I got told this year, by my ex. ‘You’re not a Rump and Dump girl Kerry’ – I was like WTF!!! However my ex did mean this as a compliment, but for someone like him, the term almost felt immature and unintelligent, so it shocked me! I mean I’m glad I wasn’t lol, but what an awful expression.

It literally mean, fuck her and fuck her off!! Beautiful hey!!!!

The expression of ‘Rump and Dump’, ‘Pump and Dump’ is actually used by fraudsters – How apt – Given that situation!

What you felt was real, What he showed was his insecurities.

Your emotions were genuine, Your intentions were sincere, Your connection felt real because you were real. His disappearance wasn’t proof that you misread the situation, it was proof that he misrepresented himself. He isn’t capable of handling a woman like you.

You see with some men, avoidance isn’t about them being the enemy, its about their insecurities, it can also mean, they think they aren’t worthy of you, that you’ll get bored of them, that you’ll hurt them. Enter the over thinkers, those who have a real shot of happiness with you, but talk theirselves out of it, thinking you’re not into them, and this is so sad, because 9/10 times you are, you really are. However they would rather put up walls and talk theirselves out of what amazing relationships they could have, (and often need) , due to the fear of not being good enough.

So….

If you’ve ever been left wondering why someone could be so warm, so convincing, so emotionally intimate one moment, and then so distant the next, please hear this: You did nothing wrong. You weren’t “too much,” you weren’t naive, and you weren’t imagining things.

You were dealing with someone who lacked the depth, honesty, emotional availability and maybe sadly confidence, required for real connection.

This experience doesn’t define your future, it clarifies your standards… AGAIN!

It doesn’t diminish your value, it exposes THEIR limitations And it doesn’t mean love won’t find you, it means you’re learning to recognise who’s truly capable of offering it.

You deserve consistency, You deserve sincerity, You deserve someone who doesn’t disappear when things get real, but grows deeper into them with you, and however much you internalise this, and feel the rejection badly, think, your value, and your worth has not been diminished because of this, it’s yet, sadly another fucking learning curve! (Do they ever cease)

So hold your head high, and say my fave saying ‘Shit happens’ –

Why it feels like there is a shadow hanging over being a woman – Why are we treated like second class citizens.

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

A raw, honest exploration of why women around the world are still objectified, mistreated, silenced, and left to pick up the pieces. This blog post uncovers the social, psychological, and emotional forces behind entitlement, abuse, and violence. It offers a path toward healing, dignity and empowerment.

There’s a truth many of us carry, often silently, from early on, our bodies, our boundaries, our heartbreaks, and our dignity are under threat. Somewhere in how society functions we are taught ( or shown) that women are less than, or at risk of being treated as “available”, “used”, “taken from”. Why does this happen, why does it persist, and what does it leave in us? I was told this year by someone I was in a relationship with ‘No Kerry, Men will always be 51% and some 49%’ , Needless to say the relationship never worked out, but why in 2025 do we still face these issues!

From a young age many girls sense they are being looked at as a body, as something to be gazed upon, evaluated. Being beautiful becomes one of the strongest currencies. This isn’t just about one person’s fantasy, it’s built into social norms, media, family roles, expectations.

When women are objectified, their full humanity is diminished, they become “things to be consumed”, not equal human beings with agency. In many societies women are still paid less, expected to do more unpaid care, to fit into roles that sideline them.

Objectification and “second-class” status are deeply entwined, if you’re not free to say “no”, if your voice isn’t listened to, if your body is seen as someone else’s territory — then you’re treated as less than.

Why some men act as though they can “take” from women

There are many layers here. One is cultural: in many places men are raised with entitlement, that their desires matter more, that women exist in part to serve those desires, you only have to spend 5 minutes reading the ‘Are we dating the same guy’ groups, to see, that your situation, my situation is not just a one off! Another is psychological: research shows that among men who commit rape and assault, violent dominance, lack of empathy, peer culture and misogynistic beliefs all play a role. For example:

  • Studies of rapists who are in prison, found some view rape as “having sex without the person’s will … the one being raped doesn’t enjoy its pleasure, it’s the rapist that enjoy the pleasure.”  
  • The concept of “rape culture” captures how: victim-blaming, sexual objectification, trivialisation of assault, denial of harm, become socially normalised. 
    Society gives some men the message: your masculinity is proven by conquest, by insensitivity, by ignoring “no”. When these ideas dominate, then touching, luring, assaulting!! Some men see it not as the violation it is, but as “just what I do”.
    Another piece is power: in many sexual assaults, the issue is control, not sex. The assault is a way to dominate, humiliate, silence. That dynamic sits under many of the statistics and stories we hear.

I mean what world do we live in, but we can’t bury our heads girls… we can’t! This is factual and sadly so so close to home for so many of us!

What the numbers tell us

Some crucial, devastating statistics to ground the pain:

  • Globally, nearly 1 in 3 women have been subjected to physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime (by a partner or non-partner).  
  • In 2023, around 51,100 women and girls worldwide were killed by intimate partners or other family members.  
  • Violence isn’t just “out there”, these are mothers, daughters, friends, women we know or might know.
    These numbers are not remote. They show how the structures around us allow, and often fail to stop, the repeated violation of women’s rights, safety, dignity.

What this does to a woman—emotionally, mentally

It fucks us up for life… Fact!! Let’s not sugar coat this!!! To feel used, to feel like someone else decided your body’s value, your heart’s value, it hurts deeply. It can lead to:

  • Shame and self-doubt (“Why did I stay? Why did I go back? What’s wrong with me?”)
  • Emotional exhaustion: being “always on guard”, managing others’ needs, protecting yourself.
  • Loss of trust: in men, in relationships, sometimes in your own judgement.
  • Anger, grief, sometimes numbness. You might carry the belief you owe something, even when you don’t and that belief itself is born of the messages you’ve internalised.
  • Loneliness: because the society around you may minimise your pain, blame you, dismiss you.
    When a man comes and uses a woman, emotionally, physically, sexually and leaves without apology or regard, the hurt is real. It’s a violation of more than the body: it’s a violation of dignity, our self worth and our love for ourselves!! Men will never ever understand just how hard us women work just to gain that slight bit of self love, and they think nothing of taking it for their own selfish gain!!

Why women sometimes continue to stay with partners…

You asked: “Why as women do we feel we owe men something? Why do we go on in relationships or have consensual sex when the dynamic is bad?” It happens and wow, more than we dare to even think. A few psychological/social threads:

  • Social conditioning: From a young age many women are taught to please, to care, to nurture. The idea of “relationship” often comes with the unspoken cost: your needs are secondary.
  • Hope and love: You may see the potential in someone. You hope the person will change. You invest emotionally. That doesn’t make you foolish, it makes you human.
  • Fear of loss: The sense of “better the bad I know than the unknown” can hold you in place. The belief “maybe this is what I deserve” comes from internalised shame.
  • Power imbalance: If someone has made you feel low, if they’ve conditioned you to believe you’re unworthy, then leaving them or saying “No more” can feel impossible.
  • Trauma bond: After violation, there can be a confusing attachment, especially if kindness or apologies occasionally surface, or if you’ve internalised blame.
    None of this is easy to untangle. The fault lies not in you having feelings or wanting love. The fault lies in the system and in the person who treated you as less.

Why does this persist? Why do men think this behaviour is acceptable?

It’s not “just one reason”, it’s a mix of culture, power, upbringing, individual psychology, structural inequality. Some contributing factors:

  • Patriarchal norms: Societies where men hold economic, political, sexual dominance make it easier for entitlement and abuse to flourish.
  • Gender stereotypes: “Real men” don’t cry, they dominate; “good women” are submissive. These expectations crush humanity.
  • Normalisation of violence: In some contexts assault becomes hidden, ignored, written off. Victims are blamed. Rapists are not held fully accountable.
  • Lack of empathy: Some men (and people) may never truly perceive another’s “no” as valid, or believe their own desire must be fulfilled regardless. Research among rapists showed a mindset of “it’s his pleasure; she didn’t matter”.  
  • Peer dynamics: Some men act for social status, to impress friends, under the idea “boys will be boys”. Rape culture theories emphasise how society tolerates or downplays sexual violence.  
  • Institutional failure: When the justice system, the police, the culture protect abusers or minimise the victim’s voice.. behaviour doesn’t get curbed.
    In short: because the system and culture allow it. And until those change, the behaviour persists.

The implications for us women

When these dynamics are allowed to run rampant, the effects ripple:

  • Self-worth diminishes: Constantly being looked at as someone else’s “use” diminishes the idea you are whole and complete in yourself.
  • Emotional trauma: Assault, objectification, betrayal, abandonment, they can cause PTSD, depression, anxiety, trust issues.
  • Social and economic consequences: Women who survive violence may struggle with employment, health, relationships, support.
  • Generational trauma: The patterns get passed down. If a girl sees a mother being treated roughly, or internalises the idea that a woman must accept less, change becomes harder.
  • Relationship choices: You may end up choosing less, settling, staying in harmful dynamics because the alternative seems scarier than the known hurt.
  • Intersectional suffering: If you are a woman of colour, LGBTQ+, disabled, migrant or from a marginalised group you can face even more layers of objectification, invisibility and abuse.
    These are not just “individual problems”. They are societal problems. When half (or more) of humanity is treated as less, we all lose.

This isn’t just one place, one culture, one story, it’s a sadness that circles around the world. Around the world women are killed, assaulted, silenced, shamed. The number of daily femicides, the prevalence of rape, the under-reporting of violence, these are global. The more I go down a rabbit hole, trying to understand, trying to understand a perpetrators mind, im saddened, sat here in disbelief, how men think they can do what they do…

The sadness is multilayered, grief for what was taken, anger at the perpetrators, frustration at the silence, shame for having believed you were at fault. The sadness for the world that this still happens, that women still have to fear, still have to defend, still have to pick up the pieces.

But let me bring in a different note, true hope…

You are not just a victim. You are not just the piece left behind. Though you’ve been wounded, you can heal. Though you’ve been treated as less, you are whole. You are and I to, a survivor, a strong independent being, reclaiming yourself.. I look in the mirror daily, and I’m like ‘Kerry, Shit happens, but you got this’.

Recognising the problem is the first step. Naming it: objectification, entitlement, violence, misogyny. Then: reclaiming boundaries, your voice, your story. Surrounding yourself with people who honour you, who love you, who you can trust. Undoing the internalised beliefs you were “less than”.

Change also happens collectively, when women speak, when men listen and change, when institutions refuse to protect abusers, when culture shifts to value consent, respect, equality.

It’s your right, not an ask, to be safe, to be respected, to have your body and heart treated with dignity. And the world must change so that isn’t a radical statement, but a foundational one.

Men all around the world, refuse to accept accountability for the word NO, they victim blame.. they think it’s their right to take… my answer is NO!!

NO Means NO

No means no.

Asleep means no.

Unconscious means no.

Not sure means no.

Silence means no.

Men must accept accountability for ignoring the word NO.

And women must stop carrying the shame that never belonged to us

If you’re feeling that you were used, overlooked, treated as disposable, you deserved so much more.

If you’re still in pain from a man who left without apology, who touched you without regard, who made you doubt yourself, your feelings are valid. The shame is not yours. It’s theirs!

If you stayed, or stayed trying, or believed again, know this: that doesn’t make you weak, just because you may have consented once, doesn’t mean the time you said NO, or couldn’t say no, any different. It makes you human. It makes you someone who hoped, someone who wanted to love. Someone who deserves peace.

You don’t owe him anything. You owe you. Your healing, your future, your freedom.

And though you may still feel lost, you are not alone. The sadness is there, yes, but so is the possibility of transformation. The possibility of reclaiming your story. The possibility of being seen, heard, valued.

For every woman who has ever been used, hurt, abandoned or silenced:

You are not broken.

You are not less.

You are not the aftermath of what he did.

You can reclaim yourself.

Your voice.

Your boundaries.

Your identity.

Your future.

Healing starts when you name the truth.

When you recognise you deserved more.

When you surround yourself with people who honour your heart.

Your safety and dignity are not privileges.

They are rights.

And the world must change to reflect that.

A Final Message to Any Woman Reading This

If someone used you and walked away, you deserved so much more.

If he hurt you and didn’t apologise, the shame is not yours — it’s his.

If you stayed, hoped, forgave, tried again, you were loving. Not weak.

Even if you once consented, that does not erase the times you said no or the times you couldn’t say it.

You don’t owe him anything.

You owe you.

Your healing.

Your peace.

Your future.

And even if you feel lost right now, you are not alone.

The sadness is real, but so is the possibility of transformation, the possibility of reclaiming your story.

Be you, feel you… Love Kerry x

Feel free to reach out to me for transformational coaching support… transformwithkerry@gmail.com

Understanding sexualisation — Why women are still sexualised? And how we can break free!

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Why do men sexualise women – Even when we cover up, even when we say no, even when we swear we are off dating? I dive into the truth being objectification, biology and culture, and why real love can only truly begin with respect and a natural alignment.

All about being seen, mis-seen, and owning your story!

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I’ve experienced the world as a woman: how I’ve been seen, how I feel used, how I feel sexualised. It’s a weird mixture of vulnerability, strength, frustration, even anger.

This is me writing to carry that girlhood, to bear witness to it, to ask the hard questions: why do men, regardless of religion, background, race, so often treat women as sexual objects? And why, as women, do we sometimes allow it? How much of this is about biology, how much about culture, how much about power? And what happens when your own history (for me: childhood sexual abuse) means you’ve always felt marked, always felt like the woman people want for one thing, but not for more.

My story (just enough)

I grew up feeling a certain constant, the sense that I was always the woman people saw in a certain way. Even when I didn’t want to be seen in that way. As a young girl, as I discovered my body, my femininity, my style and body, I realised other people were looking, not just looking, but categorising. The “one-night-stand” woman, the affair partner, the glamorous woman who’s fun but not serious, the girl who had brains, but was ‘just a model’. Kerry the model. In all honesty I grew up not knowing any better, my young mind warped… And then I have the memory of abuse. Childhood sexual abuse means your relationship to your own body and your own woman-self is tangled: you know you mattered, you know you were seen, and you know it was wrong. You also know that others’ seeing you has perhaps always been complicated, we personalise even the slightest look, and sit there wondering how that person is judging us.

So when, later, I try to live my womanhood fully, I take care of my appearance, I have long hair, I might get fillers, I choose to be glamorous, and still I’m treated as a sexual object, I post a selfie and often think am I allowed to take pride in how I look, the questions arise: Are we not allowed to be glamorous? To look good? To love our appearance? And why on earth doesn’t that permit us to also be respected as full human beings?

The hard questions

Why do men sexualise women in this way?

There isn’t a single simple answer, but there are strands worth pulling.

Biology & chemistry.

Men and women are different in many ways. One thing that biology offers is that men, on average, have higher levels of testosterone; a hormone often associated with sexual drive. Some argue this means men are more driven sexually, more likely to think with desire, more likely to objectify. But it’s not a justification. Hormones don’t excuse behaviours. And sexualising someone isn’t the same as a healthy sexual interest in someone consenting. Biological impulses are real, but culture, upbringing, self-control and empathy matter hugely.

Mindset, power and culture.

Sexualising a woman often isn’t just about the sexual act. It’s about power. If a man treats a woman as an object, he is seeing her as “other”, reducing her to her body or her sexual availability, not her personhood. Society still carries hierarchies: men are “allowed” to look, to pursue, to demand; women often are taught to tolerate, to receive, to hope for more than the sexual.

Our culture promotes the look-and-be-seen idea: glamorous women get attention. But then that attention becomes entitlement in someone else’s mind. A one-night stand becomes justification: “You looked that way, you must want it, you’re fair game.” The sad fact is, you can decide to sleep with someone quite quickly, however what follows the next week is a whole tornado of ‘self abuse’ – Why did I do that? Are they judging me? Am I cheap? And when women do say no, or want more than the sexual, they’re cast as “difficult”, “cold”, “too high maintenance”. It’s unfair. But it’s real. Men will want you in the moment, but then sadly a lot of guys, especially those who aren’t self aware, will mark you as ‘Not the girlfriend type’, and trust me girls, I won’t sleep with 99% of the guys I date, but because of my look, my strong personality, I still get that ‘Yeah not sure’! In all respect to those I have dated, I have become to recognise when a guy isn’t self aware, and cut my losses, and not pursued, the last few dates I have been on, straight away, I’ve had them figured out, and through my own journey as a coach and therapist training, I feel I have antennas looking for signs straight away. However why should how we look determine how desirable we are in. some circumstances, and I say ‘Some’ because women covering fully in hijabs are still victim…

Why covering up doesn’t always protect you.

You might ask: “If a woman covers up or wears a hijab, why can she still be a victim of sexual violence?” Because the root isn’t always about what she wears, but how the perpetrator sees. If he already views women as objects, or sees her body or vulnerability as a target, then what she wears may shift the context, but not the dynamic.

Here are some reference numbers:

  • According to a key charity, more than 1 in 4 women have been raped or sexually assaulted as an adult.  
  • For child sexual abuse: about 7.5% of all adults in England & Wales are estimated to have been sexually abused before age 16.  
  • As per the Office for National Statistics (ONS) the survey found that for year ending March 2022, 86% of sexual offence victims recorded by police were female; 91% of rape victims recorded were female.  

These aren’t just statistics—they reflect the lived reality of so many of us.

Relationship between men’s drive and women’s responses

There’s an imbalance in how men and women are taught to relate to sex and relationships.

Men’s drive / women’s response.

Men are often socialised to pursue, to conquer, to take. Women are often socialised to be pursued, to respond, to hope. If a man’s sexual drive is given free rein, and his empathy or accountability not sufficiently nurtured, sexualising becomes easy and relationship-building becomes harder.

Women meanwhile may yearn for connection, for being seen beyond the body, for being loved. That yearning, when combined with social messages like “you’ll be alone without a man” or “you’re nothing without love”, can mean we put our heart into new relationships too fast, or we accept less than we deserve.

Swipe-culture, first-date sex, casual affair mentality—all of that can feed the pattern. Women can ask: why are we letting men take advantage? Why do we give our first date, first night, so much of our self-worth? Because we want to be loved, wanted, affirmed. Because we’ve been taught our value includes being desirable. But the flaw is when desirable becomes the only value. Then we are easily used, not honoured. I have tried so many different ‘experiments’ lets call them, with my dating life, and still whatever side of my personality I show, whatever side of my sexuality I show, the result has been the same, and I came to realise through so much research and reading – is that us women take it personally, however this problem isn’t with us, its the men who have changed, and that’s fact.

For instance, every few months I will attempt the apps, and just last week, I started chatting to a couple of people, and wow, the dopamine fix for men having a flavour of the week, was too much for me to handle, because you know a week later, they’ll be swiping again, when you can’t give them the attention they think they deserve (from a stranger, ODD yes), so they swipe, and move on. No-one is really trying to find any depth other than the superficial. Yawn fucking Yawn! Although I will say if they can last a week and still peak my interest and there is a deeper alignment, then hallelujah!

Are we sexualising men more?

Yes, the culture changes. Women now have more public profiles, more sexual agency, more freedom to pursue men or express desire. But the asymmetry remains: when women sexualise men, men are less socially permitted to complain or to be objectified in the same way, fact girls. The power structure is different. So yes, perhaps women are more sexual in their expression now, but we are not (at least not yet) the overseers of objectification. The system still treats women differently, and how can we move away from this, can we???

What about us—the women who say “enough”

You say you’re going to swear to celibacy. That’s powerful. Whether you choose celibacy, choose slower relationships, choose deeper connection, your decision is yours, and it’s a statement: I will not be used. I will not be reduced.

Do we have to reject glamour, fillers, long hair, looking good, posting an instagram selfie? Absolutely not, I love seeing who I am now, what I represent, as I don’t see beauty, I see growth, the story of Kerry. Feminine beauty is not a sin. Wanting to feel good in your body is not an invitation to be sexualised as an object. Wanting to be seen as beautiful, to have fun, to feel empowered, that is your right. The problem isn’t you. The problem is the viewer who won’t let you be.

So, you owe nothing but your full self to anyone. If someone says “I want you just for one night,” you are allowed to say No. You are allowed to say I am worth more. You are allowed to say I want connection, I want respect, I want mutual desire and mutual regard. And if you don’t get that, you walk away. None of us are desperate enough, that we hurt ourselves in the pursuit of love.

Mindset change & how to find real love

Because here’s the truth, no one is going to find real love this way, not deep, lasting, meaningful love—if the foundation is “I want you for the night, for the moment, for the body”. That’s not love. That’s use, that’s being abused by yourself and others.

And if we keep playing that game (even passively) we become complicit in the cycle. Mindset shift time.

What we need to shift – as women

  • From “Am I desirable?” → to “Am I worthy of respect?”
  • From “Do they want me?” → to “Do they value me?”
  • From “Can I make this work?” → to “Will this bring me happiness, safety, growth?”
  • From “I’ll settle to be loved” → to “I’ll wait to be loved deeply”

What we need to shift – culture and for men

  • From “She looked that way therefore…” → to “Her appearance doesn’t give you rights.”
  • From “Pursuit equals proof of worth” → to “Willingness to stay, to walk the long road, matters more than the chase.”
  • From “Casual is fine if consenting” → to “Even consenting should bring mutual regard, not just use.”

What to do: practical steps

  • Set clear boundaries: Know what you will accept, what you won’t. Practice saying the words (in your mind or out loud – I deserve love)! Say it loud and clear!
  • Slow things down: If someone meets you and all they want is the sexual yet they neglect to ask your story, your mind, your soul, walk away. Real love takes time.
  • Check the foundation: When you meet someone, ask: “Do I feel safe? Do I feel known? Do I feel valued?” If the answer isn’t “yes, absolutely,” step back.
  • Honor your history: If your history involves sexual abuse, you have every right to heal, to protect your boundaries, to choose differently. That makes you stronger, not broken.
  • Seek community & role models: Talk with women who are choosing differently, men who are doing differently. Your story matters, your values matter.
  • Redefine your worth: Gaining respect, kindness, depth matters more than gaining “likes”, “matches”, “attention”. Your beauty, your glamour, it’s yours, enjoy it. Just make sure it’s rooted in you, not in someone else’s idea of you.

Why the system still fails—and what gives me hope

It’s not enough to talk about individual men or women. The system fails in many ways:

  • So many sexual offences go unreported, under-prosecuted. For example, for the year ending March 2024, rape made up 36% of all sexual offences, yet only around 2.6% of rape offences resulted in a charge/summons.  
  • Child sexual abuse remains huge: Children make up only 20% of the population but are victims in 40% of all sexual offences.  
  • And despite the glamour, the independence, the strength of many women, we still live in a culture that “allows” men to treat women as less, to use women as bodies instead of full beings.

But, I’m hopeful. Because more women are speaking, more men are rethinking, more boundaries are being drawn. You swearing to celibacy isn’t shame, it’s power. Saying you will not be reduced is fierce. Yes I find celibacy can be lonely, you will crave the touch and excitement, and sorry but however much I have tried, I struggle, however sometimes its better to have your mind and body, kept for you and only you.

And as women step into full ownership of their stories, full ownership of their beauty, full agency over their bodies and relationships, that is where change happens.

My Final thoughts…. or let’s call it Kerrys conclusion

To the girl you were, to the woman you are becoming: you are not here just to be looked at. You’re here to be seen, yes, but to be known. You’re not just a body, you’re a brain, a heart, a soul. And the fact you’ve felt sexualised, misunderstood, used doesn’t mean you accept it forever.

Men might have hormones, might have impulses, might have culture training them wrongly. But you have the power to choose how you respond, who you let in, what you demand. You have the power to glam, to glow, to live your femininity, on your terms.

If someone wants you only for one night and nothing more, that’s their choice, and you don’t have to play the part they wrote for you. You can write your own.

Carry your girlhood. Honour your story. Choose respect. And if anyone tells you your beauty is the problem, you know better. Your beauty is your gift. Your self-worth is not negotiable.