Tag: writing

The best sex of My Life started at 40 and Trust me so can yours to!

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

There’s a quiet lie we’re told as women: that sex peaks when we’re young, slim, inexperienced, and eager to please.

My reality has been the exact opposite.

Sex in my 20s was full of nerves. I was in my head. I was performing. I was worried about angles, stomach rolls, facial expressions, whether I was “too much” or “not enough.” I thought confidence meant pretending — pretending to orgasm, pretending to enjoy things, pretending I knew what I was doing.

Now, in my 40s, sex lives in my body, not my head.

And the difference is everything.

The Body Shift: Strength Changed My Sexuality

One of the biggest turning points for me wasn’t age, it was movement.

Since committing to Pilates, yoga, stretching, and strength-based movement, my relationship with my body has fundamentally changed. My body doesn’t just exist anymore, it moves with intention. I understand it. I feel it. I trust it.

Flexibility, stamina, and strength didn’t just improve my posture or how my clothes fit — they transformed how I experience sex.

I move with confidence.

I don’t fatigue the way I once did.

I feel grounded, present, and powerful.

I can stay engaged, connected, and responsive for longer.

And that stamina? It unlocked a level of sexual intensity I had never experienced before.

Honestly — extraordinary is the only word for it.

Weight Loss, Fitness, and the Confidence Loop

Let’s be honest, losing weight and becoming physically fitter did shift my confidence, however not in the way people assume. It wasn’t about being smaller. It was about being stronger, more capable, more embodied.

That physical confidence created a loop:

I felt good in my body.

So I trusted my body.

So I surrendered more during sex.

So sex became deeper, more intense.

Which made me feel even more confident.

In my 40s, when I’m into someone, I’m really into them. There’s no half-heartedness. No distraction. No performance. I show up fully, and that intensity is intoxicating, for me and for the person I’m with.

Intensity Grows With Age — If You Let It

One thing no one talks about enough is this: sexual intensity can increase as you get older.

For me, orgasms didn’t even really exist in my early 20s — I faked them, yep I did, like so many women do. At 27, I experienced my first real multiple orgasm, and since then? It’s been a steady, powerful evolution.

Now, in my 40s, my orgasms are deeper, more embodied, more consuming, and more connected to my breath and movement.

I experience different kinds of orgasms depending on the type of sex I’m having. That curiosity, that openness — is something I never allowed myself when I was younger.

This past year, despite being one of the worst years I’ve ever had for dating emotionally, I also experienced some of the best sex of my life.

Not because of luck.

Because of freedom.

Open-Mindedness Without Shame

I’m not interested in ticking boxes or sticking to scripts. I’m open-minded because I understand my body and because I want sex to evolve, not stagnate.

For me, that has meant being curious about introducing new sensations into my sex life and not being afraid to explore what heightens pleasure. That curiosity has included experimenting with things like poppers (alkyl nitrites), and honestly, the intensity they can bring to orgasm is on another level entirely, crazy you can buy these things on Amazon, for a girl that doesn’t even have caffeine in her coffee, this was quite the experience. I’ve never considered myself a drug taker and I never will be, but poppers are widely available and, when used intentionally, the heightened sensation they create during sex can feel absolutely explosive. The intensity is difficult to describe — it’s consuming, immersive, and unlike anything I had experienced before, however it only adds, to what needs to be incredible sex.

But exploration doesn’t have to mean anything extreme. Sometimes it’s the smaller ingredients that completely transform the experience. Teasing. Anticipation. Power dynamics. Touch. I know, as a woman, that I love to be teased. I love a sense of confidence and masculinity from a man. I love the energy shift when someone knows exactly what they’re doing and isn’t afraid to lean into it.

That’s the point: electrifying sex looks different for every woman.

And we’re allowed to ask ourselves what makes it electric for us.

Why limit ourselves to the same routine, the same positions, the same outcomes? Why assume sex has to look one way? Now as I have sexually matured, certain positions I just don’t enjoy anymore, mainly because I feel that break in connection, such as ‘Doggy Style’ , I mean it just feels a bit cheap, but hey reverse cowgirl, kinda still a turn on! Just exploring different types of intimacy, deeper connection through oral sex, different forms of touch, or new dynamics, can unlock entirely different kinds of pleasure and orgasmic experiences.

I don’t see exploration as reckless, I see it as intentional and embodied. When you’re grounded in yourself, you know your limits. You know your boundaries and you know what feels right for you.

Sex doesn’t have to be repetitive to be safe.

It doesn’t have to be predictable to be satisfying.

And it certainly doesn’t have to stay the same forever, you can keep a relationship for years and with the right amount of effort keep the power of sex off the scale..

Sex Stops Being About Impressing — And Starts Being About Pleasure

In my 30s, sex often felt like an audition. Trying to impress. Trying to be chosen. Trying to be desirable.

In my 40s, sex is something I do for me.

And here’s the secret no one tells you:

When you’re having sex for your pleasure, partners feel it immediately.

Confidence is contagious.

I take the lead when I want to. I give guidance without apology. I’m not afraid to say what I want, how I want it, or to invite someone to explore my body with me.

And presence? Presence is magnetic.

Fantasy, Anticipation, and the Power of Desire

Right now, I’m in a period of celibacy and yet, my desire feels more alive than ever.

I have my eye on someone and WOW the anticipation? Electric.

Fantasy has become richer with age, not desperate or rushed, but slow, intentional, delicious.

Masturbation, Self-Knowledge, and Sexual Ownership

A woman who knows how to pleasure herself is a woman who knows her body.

Masturbation isn’t something you “outgrow.” It’s something you grow into.

Self-pleasure builds confidence, awareness, and autonomy. It reminds you that your body belongs to you.

What I Know Now (That I Didn’t Then)

Confidence is sexier than perfection.

Strength and stamina matter more than youth.

Orgasms deepen when you’re embodied, not self-conscious.

Desire doesn’t disappear with age — it matures.

When you’re free in your body, your partner feels free too.

A Message to Women Reading This

If you’re in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or beyond, your most satisfying sex may still be ahead of you.

Move your body.

Get strong.

Touch yourself without shame.

Explore curiosity over performance.

Let confidence come from inside.

Sex doesn’t fade with age — it evolves.

And for me? I can honestly say:

I’ve never been more excited about sex, life and my future sex life— than I am now… and I want you to think to yourself, create your own story, create your own sexual future… enjoy every second…

‘If you want to learn how to develop your sexual being and sexual confidence, join me for confidence coaching, I will partner with you to ensure your best sex is only weeks away’ p

Email me on transformwithkerry@gmail.com or contact me http://www.transformwithkerry.co.uk

What Would Happen If We Walked Away From Dating Apps in 2026?

TheGirlWho1 Comment

Dating apps promised connection. Instead, they’ve left many of us anxious, disposable, and lonelier than ever.

My mum doesn’t believe me when I tell her that the only real way people meet these days is through dating apps. She’s from a different generation, one where people met through friends, work, chance encounters, or simple introductions. You met someone, you liked them, and you tried to make it work.

Today, dating feels nothing like that… it’s even hard to imagine, life was that simple, once!!

In 2026, dating apps dominate modern romance, yet, more people than ever feel emotionally burnt out, disconnected, and deeply unsure about love. So I keep asking myself the same question:

What would actually happen if we all made a conscious decision to walk away from dating apps?

Dating Apps and the Rise of Modern Dating Anxiety

There’s no denying it, dating apps have rewired how we connect.

Psychologically, they operate on the same reward systems as gambling: dopamine hits, intermittent validation, endless novelty. You swipe, you match, you wait. You check notifications. You compare. You question your worth.

Research over the last few years has consistently linked dating apps to:

  • Increased anxiety and stress
  • Lower self-esteem
  • Addictive usage patterns
  • Emotional burnout

So much so that users have attempted to sue dating apps, claiming the platforms are deliberately designed to encourage compulsive behaviour, emotional dependence, and prolonged singlehood rather than healthy relationships.

And honestly? I believe it, I have seen it with my own eyes, and my eyes are so tired of it..

Recently, I deleted Tinder and Bumble completely, I barely used Raya and have now set it to friends only. I thought everything was gone — until I realised I still had Hinge on my work phone. I hadn’t checked it in weeks.

There were 236 notifications.

And I didn’t feel excited. I didn’t feel curious.

I felt sick.

I didn’t even want to open it. I just wanted my pictures offline. I didn’t want to exist digitally anymore. That, in itself, says everything about what dating apps do to us. As soon as I clicked onto it, to delete, the universe spoke, on a dark reminder of why I want to be offline, lay before me on my screen, It was like I was being told… yes delete, delete, delete, because bad people lurk here…

The Illusion of Endless Choice

Dating apps sell the idea that more choice equals better outcomes, however psychologically, the opposite is often true.

Too much choice leads to:

  • Paralysis
  • Dissatisfaction
  • Constant comparison
  • A belief that something “better” is always out there

We find a diamond and still keep fucking digging anyway… why???

People become disposable, A face, A profile, A moment of interest, then… replaced. Not because something is wrong — but because the swipe never ends. It’s so cruel, not just to others but to ourselves..

We’ve become fickle and the apps reward it.

The Scariest Part of Online Dating: The 3–4 Week Pattern

This is the part nobody wants to admit — because once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

You meet someone, You talk every day, The connection feels consistent, Warm and Promising.

Then you hit week three or week four.

And something changes.

Replies slow down, Effort drops, the tone shifts. Suddenly they’re busy. Work is stressful. Life is overwhelming. They’ve got so much on.

The good mornings , the good nights disappear. The curiosity fades.

And you’re left asking:

Why does it always seem to end here? Why do people stop trying at the exact same point?

Dating apps encourage people to fantasise rather than commit, its all words and no action, To chase excitement without responsibility. To invest emotionally just enough, until someone else catches their eye.

Because someone always does.

A girl drops into their DMs. A new face swipes right. And before you know it, the excuses begin:

“I didn’t get a chance to reply.”

“I’ve been exhausted.”

“I’ve just been really busy.”

It’s not that they suddenly became busy.

It’s that their attention moved elsewhere… and it hurts…

When You Have a Good Heart, This Hurts More

This pattern cuts deeper when you’re someone who leads with sincerity, when your heart is pure, and you just simply hope for a glimmer of happiness in love…

When you like someone, you focus. You don’t browse. You don’t keep your options open “just in case.” Once you’ve met someone, you don’t feel the need to even look at an app.

So when things fade — again — it makes you question everything:

Who do I get close to?

Who do I trust?

When is it safe to let my barriers down?

As a woman, I sometimes wish I could be colder, more guarded, less emotionally available. Like friends of mine who can detach easily and give nothing away, and play the complete bitch, and they get treated like absolute royalty..

But I can’t help who I am.

And that softness — in a swipe culture — feels like a liability…

The Emotional Cost of Subtle Withdrawal

What makes this even harder is how quiet the withdrawal is.

If you’re intuitive, you feel it instantly. You notice the shift before it’s acknowledged. The delayed replies. The lack of effort. The energy change.

So when it happens again, it’s not just disappointment — it’s exhaustion.

It makes you not want to date at all. Not because you don’t want love, but because you’re tired of walking the same emotional loop with different faces.

Sometimes, you wish the internet didn’t exist, because people used to learn how to love. They worked through boredom. They chose each other. They didn’t disappear when novelty wore off.

Now, instead of asking “Can I grow with this person?”

People ask “Who else is out there?”

And that question alone destroys connection.

This is why celibacy is so key, because we can give part of our souls, but at least our body can remain untouched and we can hold onto some dignity. The real sadness these days, is how a lot of women, do give their bodies up too early, too freely, and the men take take take.. so you’ve given everything and feel left with nothing, and it hits you twice as hard.

Are Dating Apps Really How Most People Meet?

Despite how dominant apps feel, the data tells a different story.

While dating app usage has skyrocketed over the last decade, most long-term relationships still don’t start online. Even now, the majority of couples meet through:

  • Friends
  • Work
  • Social circles
  • Shared interests
  • Real-world environments

Apps feel unavoidable, but they aren’t the only way. They’ve just become the loudest.

What If We Walked Away From Dating Apps in 2026?

If we collectively stepped back, even temporarily, something interesting might happen.

  • Effort would return — because access wouldn’t be endless
  • Presence would matter more than performance
  • People would have to communicate instead of disappearing
  • Traditions would slowly reinstall themselves

When temptation isn’t constantly in your pocket, you’re more likely to lean into what’s in front of you.

And maybe — just maybe — if we stepped away from apps once we met someone, we’d actually try. We’d communicate. We’d work through discomfort instead of escaping it.

Choosing Depth in a World Addicted to Dopamine

As I step into 2026, I don’t have all the answers when it comes to love. I don’t know where life will take me romantically. What I do know is that I’m no longer willing to participate in something that leaves me feeling anxious, disposable, or disconnected from myself. I have hopes, I have dreams, I have affection, right now even desire, and I know where my heart points… but still trying to remain the ever optimist, and hope somewhere in this big wide world, a good man who aligns still exists.. somewhere.. maybe an ocean away… but there will be that man in the world, who brings calm, brings smiles, and brings a genuine love…

Right now, I’m single and you know what I’m okay with that… because I know my worth and what I deserve… and what’s more so If I feel the tone change, trust me, I will switch off quicker than any guy saying ‘Sorry Ive had a busy day’ – FU and FU …

So until a man asks me to be his girlfriend, his girl, until there is clarity, intention, and consistency — I choose to remain exactly where I am. Open-hearted, hopeful, but no longer available for half-effort, fantasy, or emotional breadcrumbs, darling, you we’re great for the 3 week Disney story, now I have shit to do, but yes, I use the word hopeful… you just never know, what’s around the corner!

Sadly Dating apps have trained us to believe that being alone is something to fix quickly, rather than something to sit with consciously. They’ve taught us that love is abundant but shallow, that connection is instant but disposable, and that if something feels hard, there’s always another option waiting.

But real love has never worked like that.

Love requires patience. It requires discomfort. It requires staying, even when the novelty fades and perhaps that’s why so many people feel lost now: not because love no longer exists, but because we’ve forgotten how to nurture it.

We’re living in a time where people want the feeling of connection without the responsibility of maintaining it. Where intimacy is mistaken for attention. Where consistency feels rare, and emotional safety feels almost radical.

And yet — despite all of this — I don’t believe love is gone.

I believe it’s quieter now. Slower. Less performative. I believe it exists in real conversations, in shared experiences, in moments that aren’t filtered or curated for an audience. I believe it grows when temptation isn’t constantly whispering in your pocket, telling you someone else might be better.

Maybe walking away from dating apps isn’t about rejecting modern dating entirely. Maybe it’s about reclaiming our nervous systems. Relearning how to be present. Choosing depth over dopamine.

Because when you remove endless choice, what’s left is intention.

When you remove constant comparison, what’s left is appreciation.

And when you remove distraction, what’s left is the possibility of something real.

So perhaps the question isn’t “How do we find love in 2026?”

But rather:

“How do we protect it when it shows up?”

And maybe — just maybe — the answer starts with putting the phone down, stepping back into the world, and allowing connection to unfold the way it always did… slowly, imperfectly, and humanly. Maybe the olden day love is still out there, maybe we just need to allow our eyes to glance further than our phone screens, and maybe we should just cherish the connections we do make.. making our own Hollywood ending…

You never know, maybe love is already in your life.. and you’ll find it when the distractions cease…

Why Studying Relationships, Love and Sex -Changed My Dating Life

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Why I date different Now: Time, Boundaries and emotional capacity.

As I study to become a therapist – particularly in love, attachment, sexual development, and relationships, something unexpected has happened.

The more I understand relationships, the more intentional I’ve become about the ones I allow into my life.

That doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith in love.

It means I’ve gained clarity.

What Being a Gentleman Really Means

There’s a difference between manners and character. Small gestures matter, of course, but real emotional maturity goes deeper than surface charm. Consistency, integrity, and follow-through are what sustain connection over time.

Connection isn’t something you perform for a few weeks. It’s something you live, especially when things slow down, become familiar, or require effort.

Boundaries Are Not Barriers

People often assume that because I set boundaries clearly, I must be “hard work.”

But boundaries aren’t walls, they’re guidelines for respect.

If someone wants my mind, my connection, my body, and my energy, that should be mutual. I believe both people should earn each other, at the same pace, with the same intention.

My Love Language Is Time

One thing I’ve come to understand about myself is that my love language is time.

Not grand gestures. Not constant texting. BUT Presence.

Time is the clearest signal of intention. When someone makes time for you, they’re showing that they’re open, emotionally and practically, to building something. They’re showing availability, not just interest.

And equally important: not everyone can make time.

That doesn’t make someone wrong, unavailable, or unkind. Sometimes people are aligned with you in many ways, but they simply don’t have the capacity for a relationship, logistically, emotionally, or both. The age I’m at now, men and women are in their ‘Selfish’ phase recapturing the years as a parent or wrong relationship, so letting someone else in, doesn’t often work, until they’ve really healed. I spot it a mile off, and it makes me back off, because I will test the waters with availability, and I get a feeling very fast. However like I always say it is what it is, and one mans loss is another mans gain.. (I fucking hope so anyway)

And that has to be okay… I think?

Capacity Matters — On Both Sides

I often question whether I have the capacity for a relationship myself. Between my work, my studies, and the life I’ve built, I’ve had to ask that honestly.

This summer felt like a quiet test. What I noticed is that when someone genuinely captures my heart, I do make time. I create space. I shift priorities. There is with me a pull towards want, I may not need, but I would say ‘Like’ a relationship, and yes that key evidence is time..

That’s how I know time matters to me — because I offer it when it’s real.

What I don’t yet know is whether I’ve captured someone else’s heart in the same way. Post Covid dating, is a mile away from dating 10 years ago, and it’s literally horrific!

Intention Over Attention

I’m not interested in connection without direction.. I mean what is the point in one night stands, no thank you, I deserve better!

I don’t want endless messaging with no plan, or conversations that drift without purpose. I value intention, presence, and someone who wants to see me, and shows that through action. I value a man who is confident in dating women his own age, and not dating women 10 years younger just to find validation. Connection is so important.

There’s something deeply reassuring about someone who says, “I want to spend time with you,” and then follows through.

I’m Not a Text Pen Pal

What I have noticed lately is men wanting to access without intention.

They chat, They disappear, They return, they mirror your interests, They force connection. All desperation – not desire.

I don’t want nor need

  • A text pen pal
  • Endless FaceTimes to pass someones lonely nights
  • Swiping apps
  • Emotional ambiguity

I want leadership. I’m a traditional – Not in a submission, but in polarity. I’m not trying to be ‘one of the boys’. I’m very much in my feminine power, and I want a man who meets me in his masculine – Naturally, not performatively.

Consistency Is the Foundation

Consistency is the bare minimum. Inconsistency is just a flag for me (pink or red situation dependent) Inconsistency doesn’t make someone a bad person , it simply reveals misalignment.

I don’t need validation. I’m confident in who I am and the life I’ve created. What I look for is consistency, curiosity, and emotional availability, someone who shows up, communicates clearly, and understands that connection requires time, not just words.

My life, my look can intimidate men, but then I look at the exes I have remained friends with, and they know the real me, the soft, nurturing wife, mummy, friend. So I know those I intimidate.. aren’t right for me, I saw that this summer, he chipped away at everything he fell in love with it.. because as you will recall what was said ‘Kerry Men are 51% and women will always be 49%.

Alone Isn’t the Same as Lonely

I’m not afraid of being single. I value my independence and my peace. What I’m mindful of is choosing wisely. The fear isn’t weakness – It’s wisdom! 42 Years of Kerry wisdom perfected. My own self awareness so awake, that there is a completeness to knowing exactly what I want, but also what I deserve.

The right connection won’t require me to wonder where I stand. It will feel reciprocal, steady, and considered.

This isn’t just about me though, it’s about everyone.

Don’t settle, AIM HIGH!

No I don’t mean in the sense of constantly chasing ‘something better’ but in recognising real alignment when it happens, when it appears, and CHERISH IT!

When someone truly sees you, chooses you and shows up, that’s rare and that’s special – Hold onto that!

So Where Am I Now?

Right now, I’m here — grounded, open, and discerning.

As you mature, things change, the boat gets rocked, one day you wake up, and the boyfriend type who used to fit in with your friends and social circle, seems somewhat distant, the conforming boyfriends, seems a million miles away from where you want to be. Yes my 20’s and 30’s the looks, the social circle and friendship circles mattered, but as you mature, you start to realise, what seemed like perfect alignments, change.. and wow the last 2 years, I’ve felt the shift in me.

I believe there is someone out there who understands that time is love. Someone who has the capacity to show up, to plan, to be present and maybe not perfectly, but intentionally. Yes I closed the door on potentials very quickly, because I’m high value, and I don’t need ‘maybe’ in my life. You’re in or out.. let’s not work with blurred or grey lines.

And if that person hasn’t found me yet, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist..

It just means the story isn’t finished… and these mishaps (ahem Mistakes ssssh) that I keep having, are just part of my own journey… so I’m returning back to my morning coffee and all I can say is….

TO BE CONTINUED….

The WhatsApp Graveyard – The Hidden sadness behind the Archived chats.

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

There’s a sadness attached to the WhatsApp archived box that I don’t think people talk about enough. For me, it isn’t just a folder. It isn’t a feature. It isn’t even practical….

It’s a graveyard.

A quiet cemetery of conversations that once lit up my screen, once lit up my heart, once got me all excited, and then, slowly, silently – went dark. Every time I open it, I’m reminded not just of people I’ve spoken to, but people I had hope for. People who came, touched my life for a moment, said all the right things, and then floated out just as easily.

And I ask myself:

‘Kerry how did we end up here?’ How did words that felt full of potential turn into silence? How did light turn into dimness?

What the Archived Box Means to Me

The archived box feels like the place I put people when I can’t bear to see them dwindle down my chat list. Watching someone slide further and further down, past the group chats, past the random acquaitance chats, past the family you rarely reply to, is painful. It’s a visual reminder of how long it’s been since they cared enough to speak… or since I cared enough to try again.

I don’t like putting people in the archived box. I don’t enjoy the symbolic burial of a conversation that once mattered, but sometimes keeping them in my main inbox hurts even more, because every day they drift further down, it’s like watching a candle burn out in slow motion.

So I archive them, Not because I don’t care, But because maybe… I care too much.

“Out of sight, out of mind” never really works – but it gives me a moment of peace.

Why We Put People There – Psychologically Speaking

From a psychologist point of view, the archiving someone is a coping mechanism. It’s emotional self-preservation. It’s the digital version of pushing a painful memory into a drawer so it doesn’t stab you every time you pass it.

However as you know I love to do this, let’s break it down, Here’s what’s actually happening:

We’re protecting ourselves from dopamine withdrawal

When communication drops, dopamine drops. It feels like a crash. We’re wired to attach to patterns of attention, affection, and consistency… and when that suddenly stops, the brain reads it as rejection, danger, loss, and fuck me, it starts to hurt!

Archiving becomes a way to minimise triggers. In a way it’s managing pain rejection. Even psychology textbooks say the brain processes social rejection like physical pain. Seeing their name every time we open the app hurts. Archiving puts a plaster on the bruise.

We’re grieving potential – not just a person

We call this ambiguous loss. It’s grief with no closure.

The archive holds:

  • potential relationships that never became real
  • stories that could have been beautiful
  • versions of people we hoped they were
  • versions of ourselves we were becoming

When someone pulls away, we feel powerless. Archiving gives us one small act of agency and dignity…

One small click that says: “I won’t let this hurt me every day.”

The Hope That Lives in the Archive

What makes it even sadder is that the archived box isn’t just grief – it’s hope. Every time a WhatsApp notification pops up, there’s a flicker of excitement. A tiny spark. A second of wondering if one of the voices from the archive has come back to life.

And sometimes… it’s just AliExpress… That sigh of disappointment says everything. Just seeing that (1) feels like a gamble, like Russian Roulette.. The archived box is where hope and heartbreak sit next to each other, quietly. Sad isn’t it.

So I know you’re wondering, what chats and who are in your archived Kerry.. it’s very simple

My Ex Husband (RIP), My best friend who passed 7 years ago, 4 Old business chats, Two men I fell for, and 6 men I got bored of chat with, and one who didn’t know if he was coming or going… 2017 – 2025!

When Do I Decide to Archive Someone?

For me, it’s when communication starts to hurt more than it feels good. When messages slow.When replies turn into half-hearted sentences. When 10 minute podcasts turn into ‘You ok’ … Noooo Inconsistency and emotional immaturity, does not work for me! Sorry but true!

When someone who once told you they liked you begins to backtrack internally… inventing flaws in you that don’t exist, inventing “I’ve been busy”, “I’ve got so much on” , bull shit with the excuses hun, In or OUT, it’s simple.. we don’t do bread crumbing!

That’s when I archive… NOT because I want to, but because watching the decline pains me, I see it as a Soft goodbye, a gentle retreat, it could have been.. but you fucked it mate! It’s my way of saying, I deserve more!!

Are We in Someone’s Archived Box Too?

We’ll never know for sure, but we know when communication drops. We know when someone judges us silently. We know when enthusiasm fades.

And the sad truth is:

we end up in their archive the same way they end up in ours – through silence, avoidance, miscommunication, fear, or simply choosing someone else.

The Graveyard of “Almost” Relationships

When I scroll through my archive, it feels like looking at a cemetery of could-have-beens.

People I let go, People who let me go. Opportunities that slipped away, Men who chose the wrong partner over me and now speak about feeling unloved, stay in my orbit, like I am the one that got away… No Darling, you let me get away!

I sit there thinking:

If you were that unhappy… why didn’t you see me? Why didn’t you realise I’m the opposite of everything that broke you? Why didn’t you recognise sincerity when it stood right in front of you?

They didn’t. The sad thing is by the time people realise they want you, their games and inconsistency, the communication stopping…

Me being archived… Or they being archived… It’s all just a digital tombstone for a story that might have been.

Maybe the Archive Tells Us More About Them Than About Us

In the end, people often put themselves in the archived box through:

  • mixed signals
  • fear
  • avoidance
  • emotional immaturity
  • choosing comfort over connection
  • choosing chaos over calm

And maybe that’s the real graveyard – not the WhatsApp folder, but the emotional space inside someone who never let themselves love fully. Those miss out, because out of self preservation, they talk theirselves out of real happiness, and maybe you could of helped them to find real happiness..

As much as the archive feels like a graveyard, I’m learning that I don’t have to keep visiting it like a mourner. Moving on isn’t about deleting people – it’s about understanding why the story didn’t progress and why that’s okay…

How I heal, and how I move on…

1. I Accept That Silence Is an Answer

Lack of communication is communication. Confusion is clarity.

2. I Focus on My Behaviour, Not Theirs

I can’t control why someone pulled away – but I can control how I respond.

3. I Reduce Triggers Without Punishing Myself

Archiving is a soft boundary, not a failure.

4. I Let Myself Feel the Micro-Grief

Losing potential hurts – but only for a moment, not forever.

5. I Remember That Genuine Connection Doesn’t Need Forcing

The right person won’t need convincing, won’t need chasing, just to boost their own ego, they could feel scared of the whole situation, but you know what… They still show up!

6. I Let New Conversations Start Fresh

Healing is attachment repair, not emotional replacement.

7. I Rewrite the Meaning of the Archive

It’s not a grave anymore.

It’s a record of how I’ve grown.

And that’s where the shift begins: when you stop chasing the ones who keep you guessing and start choosing the ones who make you feel safe, seen, and certain. When you realise that consistency isn’t boring – it’s calming. That genuine interest isn’t overwhelming – it’s reassuring. That real connection doesn’t spike your anxiety, their emotional chaos doesn’t throw you in fight or flight, – it steadies your nervous system, you feel at home, at peace.. You can’t wait to be in their arms again!

The moment you understand this, you reclaim your attention from the chaos and redirect it toward people who actually show up. People who don’t leave you hanging in the grey area. People who don’t make you fight for scraps of effort. People who choose you in a way you don’t have to earn.

Because the right connection won’t make you overthink – it will make you exhale.

And once you’ve felt that difference, the old patterns stop feeling tempting.

What ambition really means: Purpose, Relationships and becoming a Power Couple..

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Ambition is more than chasing titles or money. It’s about growth, purpose, relationships and becoming the best version of yourself, individually and as a couple. This blog explores the psychology of ambition, why it differs for everyone, how it affects relationships, and how true ambition can build the ultimate power couple..

Ambition is often misunderstood. People assume it is about job titles, financial milestones or fame, yet the truth is far more personal. Ambition is a desire to grow, to stretch beyond who we were yesterday. For some, it burns from childhood; for others, it awakens over time through experience, opportunity or encouragement. It can feel innate or it can develop slowly, shaped by our environment and the people who influence us.

In the UK, many people value stability over striving. Research shows a nation where a large proportion are satisfied with a steady routine rather than fuelled by upward momentum, however that doesn’t make ambition rare, it simply means ambition takes different shapes. Some hearts crave peace; some crave progress; some strive for both.

Ambition is neither good nor bad on its own. It depends on what it is rooted in. When ambition grows from ego, insecurity or comparison, it becomes hollow, empty and will never lead to happiness. When it grows from purpose, meaning, kindness and a desire to contribute, it becomes powerful, it leads to freedom and peace.

What Ambition Really Means

Society often portrays ambition as a ladder to climb, a race to win or an image to uphold, however ambition can be quiet and gentle. It can be the ambition to be a loving parent, a supportive friend, a generous soul, a positive force. It can be the ambition to help others, to heal, to create, to lead with compassion. For years people have said “Kerry, I wished I had your drive and ambition” , and yes in some aspects I have succeeded, with academia, with a woman growing a business in a mans world, and my focus on self development, but my biggest ambition in life is to help others, and share wisdom and knowledge to encourage and support others.

Many people lose their grounding when ambition becomes performance. True ambition stays humble. It acknowledges gratitude for what we have while still striving for personal growth. It does not demand praise or spotlight. It simply asks: How can I become better, kinder, stronger, wiser and more impactful than I was before? I don’t say this because it resonates with me, this really is what it boils down to.

For me personally, ambition is rooted in being a good mother, a good person, a good partner and someone who lifts others. That is ambition in its purest form.

Why Some People Are Driven and Others Are Content

Not everyone feels the same pull towards growth or achievement. Some find fulfilment in routine, in stability, in a nine-to-five life where peace is the priority. Others feel restless without challenges or new goals. Personality, upbringing, environment and mindset all shape our relationship with ambition.

Those who appear unambitious may actually be deeply motivated, just in different, less outward-facing ways and there is no right or wrong, because aren’t we all just striving for happiness in the end? Those who chase achievement may be seeking meaning rather than superiority. The beauty lies in recognising that people flourish in different ways. The goal is not to judge, but to understand.

Why Ambition Can Trigger Jealousy or Misunderstanding

Ambition can make people uncomfortable. They say they want like-minded, driven people around them, yet when they encounter someone truly ambitious, admiration is often mixed with insecurity. Someone else’s growth can highlight our own fears or unfulfilled dreams. Instead of saying, “I wish I had that courage,” people sometimes say, “I don’t like what they do”, “They’re doing it wrong”, and are so quick to criticise how others push or portray theirselves.

But in reality, what they dislike is the reflection ambition holds up to them.

Learning to celebrate ambition in others , to look at someone and think, “Good for them” , is a sign of emotional maturity a sign of our own inner security. We all deserve to chase what lights us up, and to be unashamed of striving for better, however if we are quick to critique or shame others for pushing theirselves, that bitterness, is a sure sign of the un-happiness we hold inside.

Ambition in Relationships: The Foundation of a Strong Partnership

Ambition is powerful on its own, but within a relationship, it becomes transformative. The right partnership doesn’t compete with ambition – it strengthens it. An ideal couple supports each other’s drive even when their dreams differ. It is not necessary for both partners to want the same things; it is necessary that they just want each other to succeed.

Two ambitious people together can create a remarkable dynamic. They understand each other’s need for focus, passion and growth. They celebrate each other’s wins, uplift each other through challenges and inspire each other to become better. They become a team, not rivals. Something I personally revel in, as having that support drives me even more, and firing up my partner, creates something deep inside me I simply cannot explain.

My relationship this summer, started out with him loving a strong, independent successful woman, however he started to criticise my every business move, my socials, my staff choices, my working hours, and to a point, he wanted me to sell my main business and get a ‘hobby’ job, as he would support me.. WOW! No matter how successful a partner may be, I will never just take a hobby job. But deeper than this it wasn’t just about that, it was the fact, he didn’t want to push me to succeed, he wanted me to take a back seat and ‘Be a woman’ – However I can do it all! He failed to recognise.

Even when ambitions do not align, one partner chasing a creative career, the other seeking stability; one wanting expansion, the other contentment, support remains the heartbeat of a healthy relationship. A partner who says, “I may not choose your dream for myself, or the way you do it, but I support you fully,” is a partner who loves without fear or insecurity. That is partnership in its highest form.

Becoming the Ultimate Power Couple

A power couple is not defined by wealth, status or external success. A true power couple is defined by mutual respect, emotional safety, encouragement and an unshakeable belief in one another. It is two people who look at each other and think, Your dreams matter, your growth matters, your purpose matters and I am proud to stand beside you.

Becoming a power couple requires more than ambition; it requires emotional maturity. It requires celebrating each other instead of competing, communicating openly, and holding space for dreams even when they diverge. It means understanding that your partner’s journey will not always mirror your own and that their ambitions may look nothing like yours. You do not need to love their ideas; you simply need to love their passion for them. I personally don’t like putting my face to social media, and going deep into the depths of me, but to make my career go the way I need it to, I have to push that; However, would I be comfortable with a partner doing the same,…. Nope… but if that’s what they need to do, and it genuinely aligns with their business and marketing, it’s something I would need to accept.

Power couples are built when two individuals refuse to dim each other’s light. They rise together, they learn from each other. They balance each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They become a home for both ambition and vulnerability, the grow together.

When support, ambition and love intertwine, they create a bond strong enough to withstand challenges and inspiring enough to carry both people further than they could go alone.

Can Ambitious People Find Contentment?

There is a belief that ambitious people are never satisfied, forever chasing the next thing. However grounded ambition, ambition rooted in purpose and humility, does not deprive someone of peace. It simply encourages them not to settle for less than they are capable of. The most balanced ambitious people appreciate what they have while gently moving towards more meaning, more impact, more growth.

They understand that everything extra is a bonus. Not a requirement.

Ambition becomes peaceful when it is no longer tied to validation but instead tied to purpose.

So…

Ambition is not about being better than others; it is about becoming better than the person you were yesterday. It is about purpose, impact, love, humility and growth. It is about living fully and showing up for your life with intention.

In relationships, ambition becomes even more powerful. When both partners support each other wholeheartedly and treat each other’s dreams with respect, they become unstoppable. Two people driven by purpose, grounded in mutual admiration, and committed to lifting each other higher – that is a true power couple.

Ambition is not a competition, It is a journey.

The most beautiful journey is the one where you walk towards your dreams alongside someone who believes in you just as strongly as you believe in them.

If you feel ambition burning, but not sure how to dig deep and work towards achieving success, then drop me a message. Working as a transformative coach, I work with many individuals, on working towards their goal mindset, turning that glass half empty into glass half full.. and if you want to look towards releasing that ambition and leaning to support yourself or a partner more, then contact me today…

Why men say all the right things, then disappear after intimacy: The Psychology behind mixed signals..

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If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why someone could look you in the eyes, promise connection, talk about a future with you, make you feel chosen… only to vanish after sex, you’re not alone. In today’s dating world, this is one of the most common and painful experiences many women face. We hear all the right words, we feel the emotional spark, we start to trust what’s being built… and then suddenly, the warmth turns cold.

This blog explores why this happens, what’s really going on psychologically, emotionally, and behaviourally and most importantly, why this isn’t a reflection of your worth. If you’ve been ghosted, future-faked, or emotionally led on, I want you to feel seen, validated, and empowered by the end of this. It’s shitty but it happens, and we can’t help it when the anxiety sets in, finally you thought you’d met a good’un, only for them to turn out like everyone else!

The Good morning and sweet dreams texts vanish, the X at the end of messages vanish, the ‘We’ve got this’ is a long distance memory and the ‘next date’ talk dries up dryer than the Sahara. There is a real sadness to this, and its something I have studied deeply, yet I still don’t have the answers, I still cannot understand why people treat the other party like this, because its painful and hurtful, and however strong you are as a person, it can still be crushing, facing the reality, that they ‘Just aren’t into you’ – Wow now that reminds me of one of my first blogs! (Anyone remember)!

Why Do Some Men Say All the Right Things… Then disappear?

There’s a specific kind of heartbreak that doesn’t just hurt, it leaves you confused, doubting yourself, and second-guessing everything that felt real. One minute he’s saying, “I can’t wait to spend more time with you,” “We’re going to get through this together,” and “I see something with us.” The next minute? He’s cold, distant, silent, or suddenly dealing with problems that never existed before.

But here’s the part most women never get told: this pattern has nothing to do with your value. It has everything to do with his lack of integrity, emotional maturity, and capacity for real intimacy.. FACT!

Some people use Words as Tools, not Promises

There are men who treat words like currency, something they spend to get what they want in the moment. They say whatever will create closeness, comfort, and trust, without thinking about the emotional consequences.

They’re not necessarily masterminds or villains; they’re emotionally immature.

To them, phrases like:

  • “I’m really into you.”
  • “I can’t wait to see where this goes.”
  • “We could be great together.”

…are more about creating a vibe than establishing a genuine intention. Meanwhile, you take those words seriously, because you meant yours.

Sex and intimacy triggers Vulnerability, and Avoidant men panic

For emotionally unavailable or avoidant men, sex is the moment when everything suddenly feels “real.” This is when he realises he might need to follow through. He might need to show up. He might need to actually invest.

Instead of communicating like an adult, he withdraws.

He blames stress, work, family problems, mental health, anything that lets him exit the situation while saving face. These “problems” usually appear out of nowhere because they’re not genuine issues, they’re escape routes. They’re his reason to go cold, his reason to run away.

They want the Fantasy, not the responsibility

This is a big one.

Some men genuinely love the idea of connection.

They love the chase.

They love the emotional intensity.

They love feeling wanted.

But when it’s time to turn that fantasy into something real, consistency, communication, accountability, they freeze. They don’t want a relationship; they want a moment and when the moment is over, so is their effort.

Their Disappearance is not a Reflection of You

This part matters:

Just because someone wasn’t able to follow through doesn’t mean you weren’t enough. It means they weren’t capable.

A man who is ready, emotionally aware, and genuinely interested won’t go cold after intimacy. He won’t future-fake. He won’t treat closeness as a performance and then retreat as soon as the spotlight fades. His behavior says nothing about your desirability, beauty, value, or lovability.

It only reveals his emotional limits.

The Hard Truth: Some men chase the high, not the Connection

There are men who treat dating like a dopamine sport. The chase is intoxicating. The validation is addictive. The thrill keeps them engaged, but only until the novelty wears off.

Once the excitement shifts into something deeper and more vulnerable, they disconnect. Not because you changed, but because the game did, the hormones feel different, and they are not self aware or knowledgeable to realise, they’re playing on hormones.

It’s not Just “Rump and Dump” … It’s Emotional Dishonesty

The sexual part is only half the issue. The deeper betrayal is the emotional deception. He didn’t just use your body, he used your mind, your trust, your vulnerability, your openness. He convinced himself you were what he wanted, but then he knew he doesn’t know what he truly wants in life anyway!

And that kind of behaviour isn’t about sex; it’s about character.

Rump and dump is a term I got told this year, by my ex. ‘You’re not a Rump and Dump girl Kerry’ – I was like WTF!!! However my ex did mean this as a compliment, but for someone like him, the term almost felt immature and unintelligent, so it shocked me! I mean I’m glad I wasn’t lol, but what an awful expression.

It literally mean, fuck her and fuck her off!! Beautiful hey!!!!

The expression of ‘Rump and Dump’, ‘Pump and Dump’ is actually used by fraudsters – How apt – Given that situation!

What you felt was real, What he showed was his insecurities.

Your emotions were genuine, Your intentions were sincere, Your connection felt real because you were real. His disappearance wasn’t proof that you misread the situation, it was proof that he misrepresented himself. He isn’t capable of handling a woman like you.

You see with some men, avoidance isn’t about them being the enemy, its about their insecurities, it can also mean, they think they aren’t worthy of you, that you’ll get bored of them, that you’ll hurt them. Enter the over thinkers, those who have a real shot of happiness with you, but talk theirselves out of it, thinking you’re not into them, and this is so sad, because 9/10 times you are, you really are. However they would rather put up walls and talk theirselves out of what amazing relationships they could have, (and often need) , due to the fear of not being good enough.

So….

If you’ve ever been left wondering why someone could be so warm, so convincing, so emotionally intimate one moment, and then so distant the next, please hear this: You did nothing wrong. You weren’t “too much,” you weren’t naive, and you weren’t imagining things.

You were dealing with someone who lacked the depth, honesty, emotional availability and maybe sadly confidence, required for real connection.

This experience doesn’t define your future, it clarifies your standards… AGAIN!

It doesn’t diminish your value, it exposes THEIR limitations And it doesn’t mean love won’t find you, it means you’re learning to recognise who’s truly capable of offering it.

You deserve consistency, You deserve sincerity, You deserve someone who doesn’t disappear when things get real, but grows deeper into them with you, and however much you internalise this, and feel the rejection badly, think, your value, and your worth has not been diminished because of this, it’s yet, sadly another fucking learning curve! (Do they ever cease)

So hold your head high, and say my fave saying ‘Shit happens’ –

Understanding sexualisation — Why women are still sexualised? And how we can break free!

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Why do men sexualise women – Even when we cover up, even when we say no, even when we swear we are off dating? I dive into the truth being objectification, biology and culture, and why real love can only truly begin with respect and a natural alignment.

All about being seen, mis-seen, and owning your story!

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I’ve experienced the world as a woman: how I’ve been seen, how I feel used, how I feel sexualised. It’s a weird mixture of vulnerability, strength, frustration, even anger.

This is me writing to carry that girlhood, to bear witness to it, to ask the hard questions: why do men, regardless of religion, background, race, so often treat women as sexual objects? And why, as women, do we sometimes allow it? How much of this is about biology, how much about culture, how much about power? And what happens when your own history (for me: childhood sexual abuse) means you’ve always felt marked, always felt like the woman people want for one thing, but not for more.

My story (just enough)

I grew up feeling a certain constant, the sense that I was always the woman people saw in a certain way. Even when I didn’t want to be seen in that way. As a young girl, as I discovered my body, my femininity, my style and body, I realised other people were looking, not just looking, but categorising. The “one-night-stand” woman, the affair partner, the glamorous woman who’s fun but not serious, the girl who had brains, but was ‘just a model’. Kerry the model. In all honesty I grew up not knowing any better, my young mind warped… And then I have the memory of abuse. Childhood sexual abuse means your relationship to your own body and your own woman-self is tangled: you know you mattered, you know you were seen, and you know it was wrong. You also know that others’ seeing you has perhaps always been complicated, we personalise even the slightest look, and sit there wondering how that person is judging us.

So when, later, I try to live my womanhood fully, I take care of my appearance, I have long hair, I might get fillers, I choose to be glamorous, and still I’m treated as a sexual object, I post a selfie and often think am I allowed to take pride in how I look, the questions arise: Are we not allowed to be glamorous? To look good? To love our appearance? And why on earth doesn’t that permit us to also be respected as full human beings?

The hard questions

Why do men sexualise women in this way?

There isn’t a single simple answer, but there are strands worth pulling.

Biology & chemistry.

Men and women are different in many ways. One thing that biology offers is that men, on average, have higher levels of testosterone; a hormone often associated with sexual drive. Some argue this means men are more driven sexually, more likely to think with desire, more likely to objectify. But it’s not a justification. Hormones don’t excuse behaviours. And sexualising someone isn’t the same as a healthy sexual interest in someone consenting. Biological impulses are real, but culture, upbringing, self-control and empathy matter hugely.

Mindset, power and culture.

Sexualising a woman often isn’t just about the sexual act. It’s about power. If a man treats a woman as an object, he is seeing her as “other”, reducing her to her body or her sexual availability, not her personhood. Society still carries hierarchies: men are “allowed” to look, to pursue, to demand; women often are taught to tolerate, to receive, to hope for more than the sexual.

Our culture promotes the look-and-be-seen idea: glamorous women get attention. But then that attention becomes entitlement in someone else’s mind. A one-night stand becomes justification: “You looked that way, you must want it, you’re fair game.” The sad fact is, you can decide to sleep with someone quite quickly, however what follows the next week is a whole tornado of ‘self abuse’ – Why did I do that? Are they judging me? Am I cheap? And when women do say no, or want more than the sexual, they’re cast as “difficult”, “cold”, “too high maintenance”. It’s unfair. But it’s real. Men will want you in the moment, but then sadly a lot of guys, especially those who aren’t self aware, will mark you as ‘Not the girlfriend type’, and trust me girls, I won’t sleep with 99% of the guys I date, but because of my look, my strong personality, I still get that ‘Yeah not sure’! In all respect to those I have dated, I have become to recognise when a guy isn’t self aware, and cut my losses, and not pursued, the last few dates I have been on, straight away, I’ve had them figured out, and through my own journey as a coach and therapist training, I feel I have antennas looking for signs straight away. However why should how we look determine how desirable we are in. some circumstances, and I say ‘Some’ because women covering fully in hijabs are still victim…

Why covering up doesn’t always protect you.

You might ask: “If a woman covers up or wears a hijab, why can she still be a victim of sexual violence?” Because the root isn’t always about what she wears, but how the perpetrator sees. If he already views women as objects, or sees her body or vulnerability as a target, then what she wears may shift the context, but not the dynamic.

Here are some reference numbers:

  • According to a key charity, more than 1 in 4 women have been raped or sexually assaulted as an adult.  
  • For child sexual abuse: about 7.5% of all adults in England & Wales are estimated to have been sexually abused before age 16.  
  • As per the Office for National Statistics (ONS) the survey found that for year ending March 2022, 86% of sexual offence victims recorded by police were female; 91% of rape victims recorded were female.  

These aren’t just statistics—they reflect the lived reality of so many of us.

Relationship between men’s drive and women’s responses

There’s an imbalance in how men and women are taught to relate to sex and relationships.

Men’s drive / women’s response.

Men are often socialised to pursue, to conquer, to take. Women are often socialised to be pursued, to respond, to hope. If a man’s sexual drive is given free rein, and his empathy or accountability not sufficiently nurtured, sexualising becomes easy and relationship-building becomes harder.

Women meanwhile may yearn for connection, for being seen beyond the body, for being loved. That yearning, when combined with social messages like “you’ll be alone without a man” or “you’re nothing without love”, can mean we put our heart into new relationships too fast, or we accept less than we deserve.

Swipe-culture, first-date sex, casual affair mentality—all of that can feed the pattern. Women can ask: why are we letting men take advantage? Why do we give our first date, first night, so much of our self-worth? Because we want to be loved, wanted, affirmed. Because we’ve been taught our value includes being desirable. But the flaw is when desirable becomes the only value. Then we are easily used, not honoured. I have tried so many different ‘experiments’ lets call them, with my dating life, and still whatever side of my personality I show, whatever side of my sexuality I show, the result has been the same, and I came to realise through so much research and reading – is that us women take it personally, however this problem isn’t with us, its the men who have changed, and that’s fact.

For instance, every few months I will attempt the apps, and just last week, I started chatting to a couple of people, and wow, the dopamine fix for men having a flavour of the week, was too much for me to handle, because you know a week later, they’ll be swiping again, when you can’t give them the attention they think they deserve (from a stranger, ODD yes), so they swipe, and move on. No-one is really trying to find any depth other than the superficial. Yawn fucking Yawn! Although I will say if they can last a week and still peak my interest and there is a deeper alignment, then hallelujah!

Are we sexualising men more?

Yes, the culture changes. Women now have more public profiles, more sexual agency, more freedom to pursue men or express desire. But the asymmetry remains: when women sexualise men, men are less socially permitted to complain or to be objectified in the same way, fact girls. The power structure is different. So yes, perhaps women are more sexual in their expression now, but we are not (at least not yet) the overseers of objectification. The system still treats women differently, and how can we move away from this, can we???

What about us—the women who say “enough”

You say you’re going to swear to celibacy. That’s powerful. Whether you choose celibacy, choose slower relationships, choose deeper connection, your decision is yours, and it’s a statement: I will not be used. I will not be reduced.

Do we have to reject glamour, fillers, long hair, looking good, posting an instagram selfie? Absolutely not, I love seeing who I am now, what I represent, as I don’t see beauty, I see growth, the story of Kerry. Feminine beauty is not a sin. Wanting to feel good in your body is not an invitation to be sexualised as an object. Wanting to be seen as beautiful, to have fun, to feel empowered, that is your right. The problem isn’t you. The problem is the viewer who won’t let you be.

So, you owe nothing but your full self to anyone. If someone says “I want you just for one night,” you are allowed to say No. You are allowed to say I am worth more. You are allowed to say I want connection, I want respect, I want mutual desire and mutual regard. And if you don’t get that, you walk away. None of us are desperate enough, that we hurt ourselves in the pursuit of love.

Mindset change & how to find real love

Because here’s the truth, no one is going to find real love this way, not deep, lasting, meaningful love—if the foundation is “I want you for the night, for the moment, for the body”. That’s not love. That’s use, that’s being abused by yourself and others.

And if we keep playing that game (even passively) we become complicit in the cycle. Mindset shift time.

What we need to shift – as women

  • From “Am I desirable?” → to “Am I worthy of respect?”
  • From “Do they want me?” → to “Do they value me?”
  • From “Can I make this work?” → to “Will this bring me happiness, safety, growth?”
  • From “I’ll settle to be loved” → to “I’ll wait to be loved deeply”

What we need to shift – culture and for men

  • From “She looked that way therefore…” → to “Her appearance doesn’t give you rights.”
  • From “Pursuit equals proof of worth” → to “Willingness to stay, to walk the long road, matters more than the chase.”
  • From “Casual is fine if consenting” → to “Even consenting should bring mutual regard, not just use.”

What to do: practical steps

  • Set clear boundaries: Know what you will accept, what you won’t. Practice saying the words (in your mind or out loud – I deserve love)! Say it loud and clear!
  • Slow things down: If someone meets you and all they want is the sexual yet they neglect to ask your story, your mind, your soul, walk away. Real love takes time.
  • Check the foundation: When you meet someone, ask: “Do I feel safe? Do I feel known? Do I feel valued?” If the answer isn’t “yes, absolutely,” step back.
  • Honor your history: If your history involves sexual abuse, you have every right to heal, to protect your boundaries, to choose differently. That makes you stronger, not broken.
  • Seek community & role models: Talk with women who are choosing differently, men who are doing differently. Your story matters, your values matter.
  • Redefine your worth: Gaining respect, kindness, depth matters more than gaining “likes”, “matches”, “attention”. Your beauty, your glamour, it’s yours, enjoy it. Just make sure it’s rooted in you, not in someone else’s idea of you.

Why the system still fails—and what gives me hope

It’s not enough to talk about individual men or women. The system fails in many ways:

  • So many sexual offences go unreported, under-prosecuted. For example, for the year ending March 2024, rape made up 36% of all sexual offences, yet only around 2.6% of rape offences resulted in a charge/summons.  
  • Child sexual abuse remains huge: Children make up only 20% of the population but are victims in 40% of all sexual offences.  
  • And despite the glamour, the independence, the strength of many women, we still live in a culture that “allows” men to treat women as less, to use women as bodies instead of full beings.

But, I’m hopeful. Because more women are speaking, more men are rethinking, more boundaries are being drawn. You swearing to celibacy isn’t shame, it’s power. Saying you will not be reduced is fierce. Yes I find celibacy can be lonely, you will crave the touch and excitement, and sorry but however much I have tried, I struggle, however sometimes its better to have your mind and body, kept for you and only you.

And as women step into full ownership of their stories, full ownership of their beauty, full agency over their bodies and relationships, that is where change happens.

My Final thoughts…. or let’s call it Kerrys conclusion

To the girl you were, to the woman you are becoming: you are not here just to be looked at. You’re here to be seen, yes, but to be known. You’re not just a body, you’re a brain, a heart, a soul. And the fact you’ve felt sexualised, misunderstood, used doesn’t mean you accept it forever.

Men might have hormones, might have impulses, might have culture training them wrongly. But you have the power to choose how you respond, who you let in, what you demand. You have the power to glam, to glow, to live your femininity, on your terms.

If someone wants you only for one night and nothing more, that’s their choice, and you don’t have to play the part they wrote for you. You can write your own.

Carry your girlhood. Honour your story. Choose respect. And if anyone tells you your beauty is the problem, you know better. Your beauty is your gift. Your self-worth is not negotiable.

Can we ever Truly Walk Away from Someone We Really Love?

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Can we ever truly walk away from someone we really love — someone we deeply love, someone we were in love with? Can we ever really close the door on that kind of love, I mean FUCK, Where do we even begin to make that decision!

We like to tell ourselves that time heals everything, that distance makes the heart forget, that we’ll eventually move on and meet someone else who fills the spaces they once did. But does that ever really happen when your soul still aches for someone you can’t have? How do we pretend we’re healed? How do we pretend that it’s okay to watch them love another — to see them laugh, to see them move on, to see them build a life without you — while your heart quietly shatters in the background?

Because we do pretend, don’t we? We pretend we’re okay. We smile when their name comes up. We say, “I’m happy for them,” when deep down, a small, quiet part of us whispers, “That should’ve been me.”

I’ve loved somebody for a long, long time. For many years. And the hardest part isn’t that I stopped loving them, it’s that I still do. It’s that I know I can’t be with them, even though my heart still wants to be. It’s that somewhere inside me, I know they love me too — maybe not in the way they used to, or maybe not in the way I wish they would, or maybe the love story in my head plays out in theirs — but whichever way the love is still there.

And yet, we still can’t be together.

That’s one of the saddest facts about love, isn’t it? That sometimes love isn’t enough. That you can meet someone who feels like home, who feels like your mirror, your heart, your peace, and still, for a thousand reasons, you can’t make it work.

We cross paths with people all our lives. People who teach us something, people who change us, people who awaken something in us that never existed before. But it’s rare — almost painfully rare — that we meet someone who feels like they were meant for us, and yet we can’t keep them.

Why is that? Why does timing always seem to work against love? Why does the universe bring two souls together only to cruelly frisking tear them apart?

Some say the universe has a plan. That if two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back to each other, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much changes. But what if that’s not true?

What if not all soulmates are meant to stay?

What if the universe sends us certain people not to keep, but to teach us — to show us what love could be, to open our hearts, to break down our walls, to awaken us to a deeper understanding of ourselves?

Maybe that’s why the timing never seems right. Maybe the universe isn’t cruel, maybe it’s precise. Maybe it knows that we need to grow, to evolve, to learn lessons we wouldn’t have if we’d stayed where we were.

But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Because love, real love, doesn’t just fade with logic or understanding. You can rationalise it all you want. You can tell yourself, “It wasn’t meant to be,” but your heart doesn’t care about reason. It only knows what it feels.

What is it about love that breaks us so deeply? What is it about love that makes us cling to every single word they ever said to us, every moment, every look, every memory?

It’s almost like the mind becomes a museum of everything they ever gave us, every text, every song, every smile, every promise. The sad bloody thing is, we revisit that museum over and over again, because it’s all we have left of them.

We cling to hope, don’t we? I know I do, I still keep the dream alive in my head, and I think that’s why when im rejected the pain cuts deep. Even when we know, deep down, there probably isn’t any. We hold on to the tiniest thread, a look, a message, a song that feels like a sign, we look for synchronicity and we convince ourselves that maybe, just maybe, there’s still a chance. For me I feel the universe has random play with my head, I can drive away and our song will play, or I will see their name on the side of a van etc, there are always signs.

But the truth is, love doesn’t always find its way back. Sometimes the chapter just ends, no matter how much we wish it didn’t. Sometimes the universe delivers too early, or too late. And that’s one of the most heartbreaking things about being human, to love someone with everything you have, and to know that timing, circumstance, or fate decided otherwise.

We live in a world obsessed with closure. We’re told that every story must have an ending, that healing means letting go completely, that moving on means you no longer care. But love doesn’t work like that. How much easier would life be, if there was always closure, Kerrys world would be a peaceful world for sure.

Sometimes the door doesn’t close neatly. Sometimes the person you loved becomes a ghost you carry quietly inside you. You learn to live with the ache, to smile through the longing, to accept that some loves don’t fade, they just change shape.

You learn to live in a world where they exist, but not with you and that takes strength, more strength than most people will ever realise.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning how to breathe again in a world that no longer holds what you once dreamed of. It means learning how to hold both the pain and the gratitude — the sadness of what never was, and the beauty of having loved that deeply at all.

Maybe love isn’t meant to make sense. Maybe it’s not about happy endings or perfect timing. Maybe it’s about connection, raw, real, and often inconvenient, I wished I could deliver you the answers, but no expert or guru in the world, will ever give you the answers you want to hear, and most often the answers already lie within. I really personally study myself and work on myself deeply, and I found in most relationships I have had, I’ve already know the answers.

And maybe the people we can’t have are the ones who shape us the most. They show us what love truly means, not just in romance, but in patience, in loss, in letting go with grace.

Because sometimes, the bravest kind of love is the one that continues quietly, without expectation, without return, without possession. The kind of love that says, “I’ll always care for you, even if I can’t have you, I just want you to be happy”, maybe real love is putting that other person first, before yourself.

And maybe that’s what it means to walk away, not to stop loving, but to love differently. To love from afar. To love silently. To love enough to let them go.

Love isn’t always fair. It isn’t always kind. But it’s real. It’s the most human thing we ever get to experience. And even when it breaks us, even when it leaves us with more questions than answers, it’s still worth it — because to have loved deeply, truly, vulnerably… that’s what makes life mean something.

So maybe we never truly walk away from someone we love. Maybe they just become part of us — forever woven into the story of who we are.

And maybe that’s okay… and I tell myself regularly, Kerry its okay to love and let go…

The sheer pain of modern dating in 2025 – Level of Fickleness exceeds….

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Why Dating in 2025 Feels So Hard — From Someone Who’s Tired of Trying

I don’t know about you, but dating in 2025 feels like an emotional rollercoaster with no seatbelt. Everyone says they want something real — loyalty, love, connection — but most people don’t actually show up for it. It’s like everyone’s addicted to attention, but terrified of intimacy…. and no I don’t mean Sex, I mean real intimacy of getting to know each other…

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve opened up to someone, only to be met with mixed signals, half-effort, or silence. People ghost like it’s nothing now. They breadcrumb you with “good mornings” and heart emojis, but no real intention behind them. It’s exhausting — trying to keep faith in love when it feels like most people are just playing games, its bloody hard, and this is why it exhausts me and I just can’t physically chat to more than 1-2 people, I get brain fog, then I worry I am becoming the ‘Ghoster’ . So whilst people will always say ‘Kerry, why do you put all your eggs in one basker’ – the answer is, with my busy life, I do not have the capacity to spread myself thinly, chatting to multiple people.

1. 

Everyone’s Scared to Settle — But Not in the Good Way

It’s not that people don’t want love — they just don’t want to choose it. We live in this swipe culture where everyone’s afraid to settle because they think there’s always something better one scroll away.

It’s like no one actually stops to appreciate what’s right in front of them. They keep chasing the next dopamine hit — the next “spark,” the next crush, the next temporary distraction — instead of investing in something that could actually grow into something meaningful.

2. 

People Use Each Other Like Emotional Placeholders

I’ve learned the hard way that some people don’t want you — they just don’t want to be alone. They’ll talk to you, flirt with you, maybe even make you feel special for a while. But deep down, they’re not building a connection — they’re just filling a void, something so missing in them, and they often don’t even realise. I have been there myself, until I pushed on with my self awareness journey.,

When people have got what they needed — validation, comfort, a distraction from their loneliness — they move on. No closure. No honesty. Just silence. And you’re left sitting there wondering what changed, when really… they were never ready for anything real in the first place.

3. 

We Mistake Attention for Affection

The lines are so blurry now. Someone sends you flirty texts, watches your stories, and gives you compliments — and it feels like something, right? But attention isn’t the same as affection. Just because they choose to orbit you, doesn’t mean they are interested. Right now I have someone I find attractive and would like to get to know, floating around in my socials, however even after I sent my number several days ago, still haven’t had a message.. and actions speak louder than…. we all know the script!

People are experts at giving just enough to keep you hooked, but never enough to build something solid. They like the feeling of being wanted, but they don’t actually want to show up for you. And that’s the part that hurts — realising someone only liked the idea of you, not the real you.

4. 

Everyone’s Wounded, But Few Are Healing

We’re all carrying heartbreak, disappointment, and emotional scars. But instead of dealing with them, people just keep dating over their pain — hoping a new person will make them forget the old one.

That’s why there’s so much inconsistency out there. You can meet someone amazing, have real chemistry, and then watch them pull away because they’re still stuck in their past. They’re not bad people — they’re just broken and too scared to admit it. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less when they disappear. Pain is very real, but people just refuse to admit they need to heal, or are so blind to their hurt, through their own sheer stubbornness, that it becomes a never ending cycle.

5. 

It’s All Surface-Level — Until It Isn’t

Everyone says they want something real, but as soon as it gets real — when feelings get involved, when vulnerability shows up — people panic. They shut down. They ghost. They tell you they’re “not ready” or they “need space.”

It’s like people want the connection without the commitment, the intimacy without the risk. But love doesn’t work that way. You can’t get the deep stuff without showing up for the hard stuff too.

6. 

And Honestly? It’s Lonely Out Here

I think a lot of us are tired. Tired of being almost loved. Tired of situationships that feel like relationships until they don’t. Tired of giving our best to people who only give us their bare minimum.

Dating in 2025 feels like trying to build something real in a world where most people are emotionally unavailable. Where being kind, genuine, and loyal makes you feel like a rare species.

But you know what? I’d still rather be real than play the game. I’d rather keep my heart soft, even after it’s been bruised, than turn cold just to fit in. Because at the end of the day, I still believe that real love exists — it’s just harder to find among all the noise. This year with Mr Narcissist, I did feel even if for a few months, that the ‘Instagram’ type of love does exist, it was bull-shit! The jetting off on trips, and 100 roses dream, must only be delivered by love bombers, fantasists or a very very low percentage of men who truly want the dream to.

So if you’re out there, trying to love with your whole heart in a world that feels disconnected — you’re not alone.

We may be the minority now, but we’re the ones who’ll eventually find something real — because we never stopped believing in it