Tag: relationships

Can we ever Truly Walk Away from Someone We Really Love?

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Can we ever truly walk away from someone we really love — someone we deeply love, someone we were in love with? Can we ever really close the door on that kind of love, I mean FUCK, Where do we even begin to make that decision!

We like to tell ourselves that time heals everything, that distance makes the heart forget, that we’ll eventually move on and meet someone else who fills the spaces they once did. But does that ever really happen when your soul still aches for someone you can’t have? How do we pretend we’re healed? How do we pretend that it’s okay to watch them love another — to see them laugh, to see them move on, to see them build a life without you — while your heart quietly shatters in the background?

Because we do pretend, don’t we? We pretend we’re okay. We smile when their name comes up. We say, “I’m happy for them,” when deep down, a small, quiet part of us whispers, “That should’ve been me.”

I’ve loved somebody for a long, long time. For many years. And the hardest part isn’t that I stopped loving them, it’s that I still do. It’s that I know I can’t be with them, even though my heart still wants to be. It’s that somewhere inside me, I know they love me too — maybe not in the way they used to, or maybe not in the way I wish they would, or maybe the love story in my head plays out in theirs — but whichever way the love is still there.

And yet, we still can’t be together.

That’s one of the saddest facts about love, isn’t it? That sometimes love isn’t enough. That you can meet someone who feels like home, who feels like your mirror, your heart, your peace, and still, for a thousand reasons, you can’t make it work.

We cross paths with people all our lives. People who teach us something, people who change us, people who awaken something in us that never existed before. But it’s rare — almost painfully rare — that we meet someone who feels like they were meant for us, and yet we can’t keep them.

Why is that? Why does timing always seem to work against love? Why does the universe bring two souls together only to cruelly frisking tear them apart?

Some say the universe has a plan. That if two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back to each other, no matter how much time passes, no matter how much changes. But what if that’s not true?

What if not all soulmates are meant to stay?

What if the universe sends us certain people not to keep, but to teach us — to show us what love could be, to open our hearts, to break down our walls, to awaken us to a deeper understanding of ourselves?

Maybe that’s why the timing never seems right. Maybe the universe isn’t cruel, maybe it’s precise. Maybe it knows that we need to grow, to evolve, to learn lessons we wouldn’t have if we’d stayed where we were.

But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Because love, real love, doesn’t just fade with logic or understanding. You can rationalise it all you want. You can tell yourself, “It wasn’t meant to be,” but your heart doesn’t care about reason. It only knows what it feels.

What is it about love that breaks us so deeply? What is it about love that makes us cling to every single word they ever said to us, every moment, every look, every memory?

It’s almost like the mind becomes a museum of everything they ever gave us, every text, every song, every smile, every promise. The sad bloody thing is, we revisit that museum over and over again, because it’s all we have left of them.

We cling to hope, don’t we? I know I do, I still keep the dream alive in my head, and I think that’s why when im rejected the pain cuts deep. Even when we know, deep down, there probably isn’t any. We hold on to the tiniest thread, a look, a message, a song that feels like a sign, we look for synchronicity and we convince ourselves that maybe, just maybe, there’s still a chance. For me I feel the universe has random play with my head, I can drive away and our song will play, or I will see their name on the side of a van etc, there are always signs.

But the truth is, love doesn’t always find its way back. Sometimes the chapter just ends, no matter how much we wish it didn’t. Sometimes the universe delivers too early, or too late. And that’s one of the most heartbreaking things about being human, to love someone with everything you have, and to know that timing, circumstance, or fate decided otherwise.

We live in a world obsessed with closure. We’re told that every story must have an ending, that healing means letting go completely, that moving on means you no longer care. But love doesn’t work like that. How much easier would life be, if there was always closure, Kerrys world would be a peaceful world for sure.

Sometimes the door doesn’t close neatly. Sometimes the person you loved becomes a ghost you carry quietly inside you. You learn to live with the ache, to smile through the longing, to accept that some loves don’t fade, they just change shape.

You learn to live in a world where they exist, but not with you and that takes strength, more strength than most people will ever realise.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning how to breathe again in a world that no longer holds what you once dreamed of. It means learning how to hold both the pain and the gratitude — the sadness of what never was, and the beauty of having loved that deeply at all.

Maybe love isn’t meant to make sense. Maybe it’s not about happy endings or perfect timing. Maybe it’s about connection, raw, real, and often inconvenient, I wished I could deliver you the answers, but no expert or guru in the world, will ever give you the answers you want to hear, and most often the answers already lie within. I really personally study myself and work on myself deeply, and I found in most relationships I have had, I’ve already know the answers.

And maybe the people we can’t have are the ones who shape us the most. They show us what love truly means, not just in romance, but in patience, in loss, in letting go with grace.

Because sometimes, the bravest kind of love is the one that continues quietly, without expectation, without return, without possession. The kind of love that says, “I’ll always care for you, even if I can’t have you, I just want you to be happy”, maybe real love is putting that other person first, before yourself.

And maybe that’s what it means to walk away, not to stop loving, but to love differently. To love from afar. To love silently. To love enough to let them go.

Love isn’t always fair. It isn’t always kind. But it’s real. It’s the most human thing we ever get to experience. And even when it breaks us, even when it leaves us with more questions than answers, it’s still worth it — because to have loved deeply, truly, vulnerably… that’s what makes life mean something.

So maybe we never truly walk away from someone we love. Maybe they just become part of us — forever woven into the story of who we are.

And maybe that’s okay… and I tell myself regularly, Kerry its okay to love and let go…

Transform with Kerry

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

What My Role as a Coach Really Is

I get asked quite often what my job as a coach actually is. And truthfully, it’s not as simple as just helping people “feel better.”

Of course, I want my clients to feel safe, supported, and heard — that’s the foundation of any meaningful coaching relationship. But my role goes deeper than comfort. My job isn’t to validate misconceptions or help people stay in their comfort zone. My job is to help you get results — to move forward, to grow, and to become the version of yourself that’s waiting underneath all the doubt, fear, and old patterns.

Coaching isn’t always comfortable. Growth never is. But it’s always worth it.

A Safe Space — But Not a Soft One

When you work with me, I want you to know that you’ll always have a safe space. A space where you can be honest, raw, and real without judgment. But being “safe” doesn’t mean being “comfortable.”

I’m not here to sugar-coat the truth or tell you what you want to hear. I’m here to help you see things clearly — especially the things you’ve been avoiding. Sometimes that means tough conversations. Sometimes it means gentle reminders of your own strength. I consider myself after all my life experiences, to be straight to the point, however remaining personable at all times. However I will not feed you just what you want to hear, or agree with what you feel is right.

Growth happens when we lean into discomfort. My job is to hold you through that process, to be your rock when life feels heavy, and to remind you that clarity and confidence come on the other side of truth.

Coaching Is a Partnership

The coaching relationship is a partnership — one built on trust, respect, and accountability.

From our very first consultation, I see us as teammates. We’ll work together to understand where you are, what’s blocking you, and what you truly want to create in your life and relationships. I’ll always be honest with you, and I’ll expect honesty in return.

I believe the best growth comes when we’re both willing to show up fully — me as your coach, and you as someone ready to do the work.

Because coaching isn’t about me fixing you. It’s about us walking side by side as you begin to fix the parts of your life that don’t feel aligned anymore.

The Relationship With Yourself Comes First

My niche as a relationship coach is all about the relationships you have — not just with others, but with yourself.

Everything starts there.

If you don’t have a healthy, loving, and aligned relationship with yourself, every other relationship will feel harder than it needs to. The truth is, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You can’t give love freely if you’re still struggling to give it to yourself.

When we work together, we’ll look at how you connect to yourself — your self-worth, your inner voice, your boundaries, your patterns. Because when you begin to realign within, you start to naturally attract better connections, stronger relationships, and a calmer, more grounded sense of peace.

Alignment is everything.

If you’re not aligned with yourself or your partner, it often leads to frustration, miscommunication, and sometimes — heartbreak. My job is to help you see whether the relationship you’re in has room to grow, or whether it’s keeping you stagnant. From that awareness, real change can begin.

Accountability: The Key to Growth

One of the biggest parts of growth is accountability. It’s being brave enough to look at your own choices, your patterns, and your reactions — and take responsibility for them.

That’s not about blame. It’s about ownership.

When you take accountability, you reclaim your power. You move from “Why is this happening to me?” to “What can I do to change it?”

My role is to hold you accountable with compassion. I’ll challenge you when you need it, encourage you when you doubt yourself, and celebrate every win — no matter how small — because they all count towards your growth.

Looking Ahead, Not Back

While we may talk about past experiences and old wounds, my focus is always on moving forward. You can’t rewrite your past, but you can shape your future.

Coaching is about building momentum — setting goals, finding clarity, and creating a life that feels aligned with who you truly are.

Working with a coach isn’t just about relationships; it’s about wellbeing, mindset, and fulfilment. It’s about learning to live from a place of purpose rather than reaction, and rediscovering your ability to thrive — not just survive.

The Power of Self-Intimacy

One of the most powerful lessons I’ve seen in this work is that everything starts with self-intimacy — the ability to truly know, accept, and love yourself.

It’s about sitting with yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about learning to understand what you need, what you feel, and what you want.

When you develop that relationship with yourself, everything changes. You stop seeking external validation. You begin to attract healthier connections. You see the world — and yourself — in a softer, more loving way.

That’s where freedom begins.

In the End, My Job Is to Help You Grow

At the heart of everything I do, my mission as a coach is simple: to help you grow.

To help you ease your suffering, find alignment, and break through the limitations that have held you back. To give you the tools, support, and perspective to step into the life and relationships you truly deserve.

Growth isn’t always pretty, and it’s rarely easy. But with trust, honesty, and commitment, it’s absolutely possible.

If you’re ready to face yourself, embrace change, and step into alignment, then you’re ready for coaching. Together, we’ll build the foundation for your next chapter — stronger, clearer, and more connected than ever before.

The sheer pain of modern dating in 2025 – Level of Fickleness exceeds….

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Why Dating in 2025 Feels So Hard — From Someone Who’s Tired of Trying

I don’t know about you, but dating in 2025 feels like an emotional rollercoaster with no seatbelt. Everyone says they want something real — loyalty, love, connection — but most people don’t actually show up for it. It’s like everyone’s addicted to attention, but terrified of intimacy…. and no I don’t mean Sex, I mean real intimacy of getting to know each other…

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve opened up to someone, only to be met with mixed signals, half-effort, or silence. People ghost like it’s nothing now. They breadcrumb you with “good mornings” and heart emojis, but no real intention behind them. It’s exhausting — trying to keep faith in love when it feels like most people are just playing games, its bloody hard, and this is why it exhausts me and I just can’t physically chat to more than 1-2 people, I get brain fog, then I worry I am becoming the ‘Ghoster’ . So whilst people will always say ‘Kerry, why do you put all your eggs in one basker’ – the answer is, with my busy life, I do not have the capacity to spread myself thinly, chatting to multiple people.

1. 

Everyone’s Scared to Settle — But Not in the Good Way

It’s not that people don’t want love — they just don’t want to choose it. We live in this swipe culture where everyone’s afraid to settle because they think there’s always something better one scroll away.

It’s like no one actually stops to appreciate what’s right in front of them. They keep chasing the next dopamine hit — the next “spark,” the next crush, the next temporary distraction — instead of investing in something that could actually grow into something meaningful.

2. 

People Use Each Other Like Emotional Placeholders

I’ve learned the hard way that some people don’t want you — they just don’t want to be alone. They’ll talk to you, flirt with you, maybe even make you feel special for a while. But deep down, they’re not building a connection — they’re just filling a void, something so missing in them, and they often don’t even realise. I have been there myself, until I pushed on with my self awareness journey.,

When people have got what they needed — validation, comfort, a distraction from their loneliness — they move on. No closure. No honesty. Just silence. And you’re left sitting there wondering what changed, when really… they were never ready for anything real in the first place.

3. 

We Mistake Attention for Affection

The lines are so blurry now. Someone sends you flirty texts, watches your stories, and gives you compliments — and it feels like something, right? But attention isn’t the same as affection. Just because they choose to orbit you, doesn’t mean they are interested. Right now I have someone I find attractive and would like to get to know, floating around in my socials, however even after I sent my number several days ago, still haven’t had a message.. and actions speak louder than…. we all know the script!

People are experts at giving just enough to keep you hooked, but never enough to build something solid. They like the feeling of being wanted, but they don’t actually want to show up for you. And that’s the part that hurts — realising someone only liked the idea of you, not the real you.

4. 

Everyone’s Wounded, But Few Are Healing

We’re all carrying heartbreak, disappointment, and emotional scars. But instead of dealing with them, people just keep dating over their pain — hoping a new person will make them forget the old one.

That’s why there’s so much inconsistency out there. You can meet someone amazing, have real chemistry, and then watch them pull away because they’re still stuck in their past. They’re not bad people — they’re just broken and too scared to admit it. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less when they disappear. Pain is very real, but people just refuse to admit they need to heal, or are so blind to their hurt, through their own sheer stubbornness, that it becomes a never ending cycle.

5. 

It’s All Surface-Level — Until It Isn’t

Everyone says they want something real, but as soon as it gets real — when feelings get involved, when vulnerability shows up — people panic. They shut down. They ghost. They tell you they’re “not ready” or they “need space.”

It’s like people want the connection without the commitment, the intimacy without the risk. But love doesn’t work that way. You can’t get the deep stuff without showing up for the hard stuff too.

6. 

And Honestly? It’s Lonely Out Here

I think a lot of us are tired. Tired of being almost loved. Tired of situationships that feel like relationships until they don’t. Tired of giving our best to people who only give us their bare minimum.

Dating in 2025 feels like trying to build something real in a world where most people are emotionally unavailable. Where being kind, genuine, and loyal makes you feel like a rare species.

But you know what? I’d still rather be real than play the game. I’d rather keep my heart soft, even after it’s been bruised, than turn cold just to fit in. Because at the end of the day, I still believe that real love exists — it’s just harder to find among all the noise. This year with Mr Narcissist, I did feel even if for a few months, that the ‘Instagram’ type of love does exist, it was bull-shit! The jetting off on trips, and 100 roses dream, must only be delivered by love bombers, fantasists or a very very low percentage of men who truly want the dream to.

So if you’re out there, trying to love with your whole heart in a world that feels disconnected — you’re not alone.

We may be the minority now, but we’re the ones who’ll eventually find something real — because we never stopped believing in it

When ADHD and Narcissists date!

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The story of the Lion & The Giraffe….

Can those with ADHD really date a true narcissist successfully? I mean I say true narcissist because 2025 sees us using that word so freely. However imagine a true Narcissist, one that ticks every single box, a true narcissist combines ASPD, formally known as the term we coined ‘Sociopath’ – and imagine this person, who never believes they’re in the wrong, never feels or truly sees anyone else but theirselves , lies solum and waiting on their prey, waiting for their next supply, and who lives in a fake reality because anything that doesn’t feel like a high is surplus to them.

So lets look at the person with ADHD, the childlike, the fun, the passion filled, the excitable, the one who wants to fix everyone, and mend everything, the ultimate people pleaser. The kind warm loving ADHD’er the one who chooses to ignore red flags because they can see every negative in the world, and thinks they have the remedy and know how, on how to right wrongs, not even their own, but those of others. The type of people pleaser that will shower someone with so much love and affection….

The ultimate supply..

or

The perfect prey..

People with ADHD are often naturally drawn to narcissistic individuals in romantic relationships.This is because both personality disorders share many traits however take one as the angel and one as the devilish version… Impulsiveness, thrill seeking and competitiveness, and the ADHD’er able to understand more than most the narcissists full lack of empathy. ADHD’ers can struggle with empathy theirselves, because of the difficulties with their executive functioning, they have trouble recognising and regulating their emotions, which can take away their efforts and understanding, on the emotions of others. Quite often an ADHD can be straight to the point, almost rude, they don’t realise they do it, but when the words leave their mouth, it can cause panic when they realise what they say, albeit innocently. So as you can imagine, when someone with ADHD sees a narcissist, they often feel a strange common ground, and often wonder If the narcissist is ADHD to, as they recognise behaviour patterns, but lets face it, Narcissism is the evil big brother, the steroid version, of the very innocent ADHD traits, so of course the ADHD’er will feel there is common ground, not realising the danger that lies ahead with their innocent outlook on the situation.

ADHD is a neurological developmental disorder that affects self regulation and attention. Impulsive easily distracted and hard to stay focused, often with a need for speed and things to happen there and then. However all this is innocent, 99% wrapped in a loveable person, who wants to people please. Narcissists on the other hand, may have steroid version similar traits, however these are characterised by their grandiose self of self importance and constant need to be seen in that light and admired by all, they need validating by those lower than them, (In their eyes only) and they have zero empathy, because they don’t need to think about anyone but theirselves. They are controlling, manipulative and they use their minds wisely and their charm, to lure in the soft and the pure, into their orbit. Narcissism isn’t neuro-diversity, its a complex and dangerous personality disorder, which impacts every individual that surrounds them, from parents, to partners to their children. Narcissists can be hard to spot, and as mentioned many with ADHD will almost feel the Narc has ADHD. However common traits of a narcissist include:

A constant pre-occupation of visions and day dreams, of wealth, success, power and a family life where they hold the remote control.

A true belief they are special and unique and should only mix with people on their level, a constant need for hierarchy. Many Narcissists feel they are children of god, the feeling of special, can go off the scale.

A strong need for admiration and attention, a strong need for people to see them in a high position of authority and power.

An expectance of automatic control over other, and an expectance of others to obey and comply, and an expectancy of people to treat them ‘Special’.

An inner anger to be envious of others, and a constant feeling that others are envious of them.

A constant behaviour trait of exploiting others and manipulating others for their own gain, requirements and supply.

A split personality to the outsider, leading to outsiders never being able to settle and feel emotionally in control, as the narcissist can appear fickle and flippant, in what they want, who they are, and who they want to be with.

Narcissists can be both female and male, males tend to lead to more sociopath traits, and can often get involved in criminal activities, whilst females often get drawn into emotional and sexual manipulation of others.

The ADHD partner is the innocent Giraffe, head in the clouds, wondering the Serengeti, and the perfect prey for the Lion to take down, bit by bit, inch by inch, insult by insult… until eventually the giraffe is so damaged, its impossible to ever be able to walk on those long legs again, or dead… left as a carcus with no meat left, and surplus to the lions needs. The giraffe life changed forever, meanwhile the lion without empathy and with the notion of ‘I just needed my feed, its the circle of life’, moves on in the long grass ready for its next prey, feeding of snippets here and there, until they meet their next Giraffe.

The relationship between both disorders, starts off in a term ‘Euphoric’ for both parties, The ADHD’er has every single supply the Narc needs, and the Narc provides the perfect ingredients of love bombing, that gets the ADHD’er hooked. In fact, let’s scrap ADHD/NARC, let’s simply use LION for the Narc and GIRAFFE for the ADHD’er. Its so much easier, and we hate titles!! The chemistry between the two is mind blowing, for both, out of this world, the Lion gets the Giraffes needs perfect, and the Giraffe gets the Lion more than anyone ever has.. Its a sexual match made in heaven! For people with ADHD, narcissists can provide excitement and stimulation, which can counteract their boredom levels, because lets face it ADHD’ers hate being bored and often get frustrated. ADHD’ers are drawn to the attention and grandiose of the narcissist and pop them up on the peddle stool, exactly what the narcissist needs.

Giraffes struggle In life with various elements for instance spotting red flags, this makes them susceptible to the Lions manipulation. Lions exploit the emotional dysregulation that giraffes can often struggle with, leading to a pattern that is beyond dangerous, and will leave the giraffe walking on egg shells, and feeling beyond anxious, and scared, of the Lions mood, the lions feelings and never knowing what side of the bed the Lion is going to wake up on. The poor Giraffe will feel like they are sinking, unable to think of anything, through pure anxiety and fear, of the unexpected, and anyone knows those with ADHD struggle with the fear of the unknown. The emotional abuse and exploitation that can exacerbate already present difficulties, can lead to the most incredible sense of anxiety and depression, that the ADHD’er may have never felt before, so it can bring immense confusion and sadness to the positive ADHD’er.

Giraffes often have problems asserting theirselves, and this can be part of their softness, however this is putty in hands to the Lion, as they can push boundaries beyond the normal levels, and to the point the giraffe doesn’t have any because they are so worn down, with trying to set boundaries, but never being heard by the Lion. They will start off really trying to firm up their boundaries, yet the more and more the lion doesn’t listen, they feel backed into a corner and think, why bother?

Giraffes as we know have difficulties maintaining attention and can often have memory problems, especially short term memory. This is a key tool for the narcissist to who play on these memory problems to exploit the ADHD’er and they will take advantage by gaslighting to the full max of this situation, and psychologically manipulate the ADHD’er to make them question their own memory, perception and sanity. For instance and I have seen this myself the narcissist will deny conversations that occurred, and twist the truth to suit their narrative. For instance, a conversation factually for me, I was told, “Oh yes I rescued my friend from a brothel, and paid for the lads to go to the brothel”, so when I asked ‘Have you ever slept with a prostitute?’ I was told.. NO! Fact! Fast forward 3 months later a conversation that was completely normalised, became ‘Yeah of course I’ve slept with prostitutes, I told you this’ – I tried to argue I hadn’t been told, and was told ‘You don’t listen, I told you’ … leading me to rewind and rewind and rewind, over the initial conversation, and NO, it was not my fucking memory! However just being told that left me anxious, disorientated and almost feeling I needed to write down and document everything, as my self defence. To be honest I could of recorded the initial conversation, and he would of still tried to convince me, I was wrong and he was right.

Giraffes will love their lion at their worst, at their lowest, at their angriest, the giraffe can witness their lion eating another giraffe and still the giraffe will remain, because their love for their lion is so true, so pure and so real. However the Lion will not ever see this, because as all narcissists do, they only ever measure their own feelings, and do not have the capacity to feel, recognise, or appreciate others love. The giraffe will not care for what the Lion used to have, what prestige or title they have or had, the giraffe will fall in love with the heart of the lion, and this again another danger, because the Lion in their grandiose doesn’t want to be seen let alone loved at this low level, they aren’t accustomed to, the lion only wants the rest of the Serengeti to see them on pride rock, at the top of their game, at the top of the hiecharchy, so knowing the giraffe sees them at their most vulnerable, at the start the Lion will appreciate that, when they have a sense of fake reality, the sense that they don’t need to be up on pride rock showing off, however when pride takes over and they need to be seen, valued, little giraffe, how could they love that pathetic wonderer who isn’t up on their rock, giraffes should love their Lions when they’re up on their pride rock, where they want and need to be, and where everyone looks up to them, even giraffe. You see there will never be an equal part in their relationship, the Lion will always only ever go as low as 51/49, because their sense of needing to be seen in their hierarchy and at the top of the board, will always come first. Narcissists needs to feel above everyone else, even the ones who love them the most.

ADHD’ers, it’s a known fact, can often posses a level of low self esteem, which more than often stems from past traumas, and the sad fact of this, is they are far more tolerable of abusive behaviours the narcissist will put their way. The Narcissist will start with, hmm lets call them baby insults, the softened blow such as ‘I say it with love, however you have such a pretty face, but if you had your teeth done baby it will change your whole face and make you prettier’ – See anyone reading that, (bar for the narc theirselves) can see its a vile and hurtful insult, but in the moment, the ADHD partner won’t see that, it will stimulate their people pleasing notion, and they will start to think without realising ‘Maybe I do need my teeth doing’. This is how it starts, the undoing of the ADHD’er the Narc gaining control. In my own personal case it was followed with, I can’t deal with your job it reminds me of this, it triggers this, I need you to give it up. Followed by, awww baby, you tummy tuck scar, is so bad, why is it like this. In my head I was like “Its actually a brilliant scar only 14 months old so not faded white yet’ – The next about my boobs, so I went for a consultation, and the insult following that was ‘If you tie a brick to this one, and tie a brick to that one, then throw the brick over your shoulder, it will pull them up?? Ok… I mean here is a few sentences of a personal snap shot. However a true Narc cannot even see the wrong in what they say, and if you dare confront them… ‘You’re hard work’ , ‘You’re combative’ – even though just as any human being, you are simply doing the very basics of defending yourself.

ADHD’ers are the type of individuals who simply make it their quest to help, to help support and to think they can help others, to anyone in the world the ADHD’er will have a heart of gold, may be annoying, however they’re good people, its within them to want to help. However to a sociopath or narcissist, their goodness is massively undervalued, and they can irritate the Narc immensely, and unless the Narc goes away and deals with their inner anger and issues and pick up some serious CBT skills, the whole combination is beyond dangerous for the ADHD’er , because as we have covered already, the Lion will simply drag the giraffe down, slowly, painfully, until the ADHD’er and everything that once shone for them, is beyond damaged.

At the end of it all, it is possible for the two of them to work, and potentially have something Euphoric for life, but it’s crucial the ADHD’er is wide awake, and crucially, aware of the risks the ultimate predator possess. The euphoria will only truly work, when the narcissist knows their behaviour is abusive, and pushes and known they need to correct their behaviours, and also when the narc knows, that true love is about choosing someone other than theirselves, and showing up. Sadly the ironic thing about researching this is that the giraffe will always find happiness, yet the Lion often dies lonely… surrounded by superficial, and never truly being happy inside, happy who they’re with, and happy with their lives. They truly struggle more than any disorder out there to truly love others, and when they feel true love, it’s not as exciting as the honeymoon ‘being in love’ , so it fails to impress them, it fails to mean anything to them, and rather than choose that person, like we all do in the second phase of love, they dispose of them, or cheat on them and leave them sat at home disrespected and hurt.

The relationship of the Giraffe and Lion, could be totally described by both as a meeting of souls, a true soulmate, however it takes two of them working hard and showing up, and most often the Lion disposes yet later in life will regret letting go of their ‘Soulmate’ in the giraffe, but what goes around.. comes around, and karma always follows through..

Narcissists and their constant need for admiration and love.

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Are you a supplier to a narcissist? Do you feed their habit, their ego?

But can a narcissist ever be happy and in love?

Quote ‘A leopard never changes its spots’ – Maybe not but can the right woman, over time watch those spots fade, and don’t we all have an essence of Narcissist deep within?

Narcissists can love, perhaps the majority just superficial, always with one step out the door. A narcissist can make you feel you’re all they need, all they desire and they’re in love, yet you have a bad day, they hurt you, and the love rears its head very different to the kind of love we thought we were receiving. Narcissists lack empathy, nature or nurture, they have a complete inability to put anyone else needs before their own.

Narcissists need and crave attention and validation, they are most often attracted to those who can provide them with the highest grandiose of self, those who can supply their fix. Narcissists are attracted to those who are kind people and givers, the type of people who will shower them with compliments, the kind of people they see as good and pure, who will supply them with exactly what they need to feed and boost their ego., This is why we see Narcissists deliver love-bombing, claiming you’re soul mates, saying its like a dream come true, weekends away, perfect dates, gifts, compliment giving, because Narcissists love the beginning of a relationship, dreams of getting married, and the problem is even the best narcissists can’t keep up the momentum. Whether it be 6 weeks or 6 months , narcissists are very excitement and thrill driven, they feel empowered from your attention, your affection, but as time goes on, little things will start to creep in, gas lighting, insults, back handed comments, correcting you, telling you they say things with love, but then insult you. The puzzle pieces start to fit together, and you will see these triggers come from frustration, anger, and the actual dark side of their personality, and they will try and double back, because they will still require their validation, however as they start to express their true self, perhaps in time of stress, over time there will be more and more of them, so you notice this exciting person you met and fell for, actually becomes almost flat line empty soul of a person, and you don’t want to compliment them, you don’t have that same butterfly feeling, and so you stop the supply, and rather than see this as their fault, (which it is) they will blame you, they’re very naturally novelty seeking people, they love the high feeling, this is why so many of them are drug or have been drug addicts, they love those dopaminergic feelings and in their make believe fantasy its you who is at fault, you who has made this go ‘boring’ you are the problem, never them! You’ve taken the excitement away! However the truth is, they were living in fantasy dream land, caught up in their high fix, and you were the drug, however once their true character kicked in, and they start putting you down, start winding you up for a reaction and start showing instability and inconsistency, it causes a huge imbalance in the relationship. One of you will be waiting and praying for their fun side to return, hoping it was really them, whilst walking on eggshells and never knowing what is around the corner, because their frame of mind actually scares you. One minute they love you more than life, the next they’re so cold, and you never know what personality you’ll be met with, so as the supplier, your anxiety takes over and you can’t be that fun person a giving constant praise, Because your energies are depleted, So the narcissist sees you as the one who has changed, sees you as the one not compatible, you as the one who its boring, when really it’s their fucked up view on life and how they treat others which has caused all this.

As good people we will naturally enter any relationship giving praise, and status and validation, however there are ways to spot a narcissist at the very start. Do they talk of children together, a house together a life together after just a date or two? We can’t call narcissists fake, they just live a false reality, a fantasy world, where they see visions and have desires, and they will want that, but its your supply that feeds these fantasies.

Narcissists are very precarious individuals, often very fickle jumping from one idea to another, completely driven in life by their own self worth, self interest and they will tread and hurt anyone to get what they want In life. To live out the fantasy they see in their head, they are hyper-competitive and impatient demanding everything their way, in their time, and everyone following their lead, because in their head narcissists are never wrong, so its their way or the highway. Once the fantasy of you dies off, they will already be onto their next victim, because many of them need a plan B and back up plan, so they can have that constant attention.

The idea of the classic grandiose narcissist – the most recognisable form of Narcissism, is characterised by entitlement, redness, arrogance, and a constant need for touch and admiration. They tend to have a high self esteem and believe there is a hierarchy In life and they are superior to others. They are often boastful and tell you their earnings, their materials, what cars they have driven, they often inflate numbers and exaggerate their achievements and they can become combative, aggressive and take a dislike to you if their superiority is challenged. The will dominate conversations, by talking at you not with you, they will accuse you of not listening almost like you are the child and they are the parent, what they say is right, based on their facts, and everyone else opinion doesn’t matter. They will often dominate relationships , with lines such as ‘I like things traditional, the man in charge’ all the time setting seeds and foundations, to conform you to their controlling ways, remember they are childlike in wanting everything their way. They will also want you almost scared of them, so will keep you on knife edge, on your toes, so you form attachment to them, because they will want you craving them, chasing them.

Many narcissists turn to criminal acts, such as fraud, because their ego and lack of empathy enables them to work and prosper and not have any empathy for the victims they steal from. They will take and take to fund their own luxury lifestyle, and not give AF about the consequences. This is the same in love. They will want you hand holding them constantly, praising them constantly, yet when you need them they fail to show up.

Narcissists don’t need love, they don’t feel love, they feel love for theirselves and the image of what they think love is, they will dream they want the fairy tale, but unless they recognise their traits and get the right therapy, they will never ever feel happiness. They will get their fix through shopping money, women, and cars, but they will never feel or love in the traditional sense, and sadly will end up very lonely, or dying young from drug addictions and gluttony problems such as heart attack from the over use of steroids and drug misuse.

Remember the 4 D’s are a narcissist Denial, Dismissal, Devaluation and Divorce. A pattern that will never cease unless the narcissist gets real help.

Denial – Narcissists often deny responsibility for their actions, blame others, or minimize the impact of their behavior. This can manifest as a persistent lack of accountability. If you try to explain their actions have hurt you, they will suddenly recall that one time you hurt them, because they struggle to take and accept blame, remember a narcissist is new wrong in their mind.

Dismissal – They may dismiss or invalidate the feelings, opinions, or experiences of others, often downplaying their significance or importance. They will speak over you, and not let you voice your opinions and when you do, they will disagree and often say you are wrong, wasn’t listening and dismiss your opinion.

Devaluation – This involves making someone feel inadequate, worthless, or inferior, often through criticism, belittling, or public humiliation. If you’re a confident partner, they will like that about you at first, but over time they will chip away. I recently found this myself, after years of body dismorphia and an eating disorder, I had my body, my looks criticised, which is abuse, whether I had, had disorders or not, but again, they will follow the insult with ‘I say this with love, but’ – And the strange thing was, the guy wasn’t my type in the beginning, his love bombing won me over, so I could of easily given my opinions on him, but I would never be so rude to. However a real narcissist will mark you beneath them, so if you display confidence, and for instance say ‘Oh I love my legs’ – low and behold they will say something detrimental about your legs.

Divorce/Discard – In the context of relationships, this can refer to the end of the relationship, either through physical separation or emotional withdrawal. The narcissist may discard the person they were previously idealizing, often with little regard for their feeling, they won’t care how they do this, and will most likely do it over the phone, so they can state their facts, not listen to yours and run the fuck away, because again your opinion doesn’t matter, there’s does, that’s how they feel, deal with it!!!! Their lack of emotional intelligence and empathy will see them on this path of self destruction all through their lives. From one woman/ man to the next, falling in love and lust, using the innocent person, manipulating them, knocking them down so the dynamics change, then blaming the poor victim, and making an excuse to move onto the next.

Whilst there is no cure for NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) in the sense of pure elimination, it has been found by investing in therapy, coupled with a sense of truly wanting to change, there can be dramatic improvements and they can almost go on to live normal lives, with the support of a very loving family and very patient partner. However as we have discussed this can be near impossible, because nearly all people with NPD, are in complete denial of their wrong doing, it will 99% of the time be somebody else’s fault, and you will very rarely hear them say Sorry or Thank you. They don’t feel they need to, Because in their world, YOU are beneath them, you are 49% and they are 51% they don’t view equality like a normal person, Because they have a constant need to impress others, look a certain way, act a certain way, show off a certain way. Remember they don’t care for you, they don’t care for their own children, their own mothers, they will care about theirselves only. On the surface they will proclaim all the love in the world, but when you need them, they will never show up.

Clinical research has shown, a reduction in grey matter in the brain of people with NPD, in areas of the brain like the anterior insult, which controls empathy. They had an unusual thinning of the brain in this area across all the study boards. When faced with testing and presented with tasks of social and emotional stimuli, Functional neuroimaging studies have revealed reduced activity in brain regions involved in empathy and compassion.

Research also suggests abnormalities and changes in the orbito-frontal cortex, which controls emotional intelligence and regulation and our social behaviours. Research suggests that the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the striatum n(a brain region involved in reward and motivation) may be disrupted in individuals with NPD, giving reason to hyper competitiveness, a lack of patience and a need to admired and praised. Whilst research continues into this field, we only have to look into the links between people with NPD and their high rate connection to violent crimes, they are very dangerous individuals with many prolific murderers being diagnosed with NPD. This condition is not just an instagram meme, its life changing and harmful for those caught up with a person who has NPD.

Remember a narcissist will deny they need therapy, and if they do feel they have to entertain the idea to please others, they will attend maybe one or two sessions, and rank theirselves higher at sorting their problems, than a trained Doctor, if they and very rarely do stick at it, then it can potentially work and turn their lives around, but narcissist may recognise their behaviour for a week or two then want to change, then suddenly it will be back to everyone else being a mess, to blame, at fault. So trying to get them to commit long term, when they are so fickle will be the biggest test of all.

It may be heart breaking to know and realise when the jigsaw pieces match up that you’re actually dating a narcissist, you may be like how I was so down trodden, so emotionally exhausted and feel so duped that there may be a sad sigh of relief. They are super tuned in, if they see you starting to get second thoughts, they will reel you back in, feed you a little, to keep you hanging off their carrot, then once you’re back, return back, and its like they have a bag of treats and you’re the puppy, and a tiny rewarder and there, will have your tail wagging.

Remember you are human to, and you will have your heart broken by this person, who will love you one day, and finish you the next with a whole barrage of excuses. You deserve better… always remember. You don’t need to change, its them, and if they cannot see that, then sadly you only get one life, its time to move on, as he’s probably already got his next victim lined up, so he can dispose of your attention because someone else is picking up the tab.

Look after yourselves… not them… you can’t keep supplying them, its mentally exhausting, it will leave you walking on egg shells, anxious, nervous and scared. So worried you will say the wrong thing, wear something they don’t like, or even have your own opinion. Stay safe…

Are there benefits to Celibacy?

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Pro’s and Con’s of Celibacy

Celibacy, abstinence, no sex, lots of sex, regular sex…

Yes I can almost hear your minds right now, reading that title, who in their right mind?

Celibacy has its pro’s and con’s and no therapist or human being can tell you, life with your legs shut tight, is healthy, I mean maybe against STD’s, however we are naturally wired, to crave and desire sex.

Sex positively impacts the body, improved immune system, reduced blood pressure, reduced stress levels and a a reduced risk of cardiovascular events, plus the high majority of individuals (hopefully nearly all) enjoy it! In men alone, regular ejaculation can improve prostrate health, A 2018 meta-analysisTrusted Source found ejaculating two to four times per week had associations with a lower risk of prostate cancer. So come on… Sex wins again doesn’t it?

For females, frequent sex again, either with a partner or solo, can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles that support the bladder. This can improve bladder function and reduce incontinence. I mean if you’ve had kids, this again surely a benefit?

Measured in mental health surveys, a recent 2020 survey actually found regular sex can lift depression and anxiety, where as bouts of abstinence can lead to a feeling of loneliness, a feeling of being unwanted, and whether preference or not, it can lead to bouts of depression.

However, lets take time to think about this, my own journey of celibacy has been an interesting one. As a woman who has such an open mind and high sex drive, why would I opt for celibacy?

Now, trust me, its not for not wanting sex? I miss good sex! However it has more to do with the journey of self love, self appreciation, appreciating, what giving my body away, truly means.

Celibacy in itself is a reward, and although may seem like endurance and a form of punishment to oneself , it really is a chance to heal, nurture and protect your mind, body and soul. Don’t be afraid to belong to you, we often find ourselves belonging to others, and pleasing others, however this is giving others power over our bodies and who we are. If we look at celibacy as a way to keeping our own power and a healing tool, an opportunity for internal growth. Celibacy is used in many cultures and paths in life. Many people feel by maintaining celibacy is will strengthen their relationship with God or higher power. Celibacy can give more energy to dedicate to spiritual practices. If we look at hinduism and Buddhism , their culture views it as a way to detach from desires and addictions, and sees celibacy as a cleanse and rebirth.

For me, and many other celibacy is a time for self reflection, self nurturing and a chance to explore and understand oneself. It can help with emotional maturity and emotional stability, allowing you to take a back seat and view decisions you have made, and what you would do differently, we can harbour the energy for growth and personal goals, and for clarity and clear thinking, which in itself eases mental health pressures.

Celibacy is a personal journey and only we can enter celibacy off our own backs, only we can make decisions like that to know we have the own power to control, and be in charge of our own strengths. Whether we opt to try it or give it a miss, I personally think over our life time its worth doing the journey at least once, and whether it be for a few weeks or a few months, give your body and mind enough time to see and feel the benefits. You’ll thank me later…

The Game..

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The game! Here is where we go wrong, I can write this, you can read it, but honestly it won’t change you or me…

Ok…

Girl meets boy, girl and boy chat nice things, sex things, marriage things. Girl goes on a date with boy, girl and boy have sex, girl goes home smiling. Girl texts boy to thank him for an amazing night, no answer, Girl calls boy in her lunch break, no answer. Girl texts after work, with deliver report on, still no answer from boy. Girl texts boy good night. Still no answer.

Two days pass, girl texts boy a few more times, still no answer. Girl thinks, has boy died? Is boy ok? Has boy fell down a mine and needs rescuing? Girl texts boy, “are you ok?” , no answer, girl is confused! Girl logs onto instagram, searches boy, boy updated status two hours ago, pheeeew! Boy is still alive! Girl thinks, maybe girl has done something wrong? Girl texts boy, girl apologises, for something, but not sure what, still no answer from boy! Girl over thinks, girl gets upset, girl cries, girl can’t eat, girl can’t sleep, girl feels sad.

Girls great auntie dies, girl texts boy to tell boy, still no answer, it gets worse, girls pet gerbil dies, girl texts boy, still no answer, girl cries again. Girl goes back to dating website, chats to more boys, but still girl texts original boy, girl thinks, girl compares all nice guys to boy, girl texts boy, still no answer….. Girl demands answers… Still no answer..

FUCK!!! When do we stop, this is what we do!! This is what us women do, I mean surely he is interested right? Surely he liked us right? This is what girls do… 

The best of it is, this situation isn’t just about boy??!!! It’s the challenge we like. Competitive or not, this is what we do! You could be the most beautiful girl on the planet, yet this will still happen with at least 1 or 2 guys in your life time, you could run your own successful businesses, yet still you become girl who lies on the couch not knowing what is going on! As women we like to win, we like to succeed, we like to know if there is a problem, because we are super human after all, we can fix anything, yes?

It’s not the boy that’s the goal here, it’s the contact! We need it, we fantasies about it, we feel we need it, in order to function! It’s the dopamine hit, the adrenaline, the addiction. Because every-time we speak to boy our dopamine levels are increased and we like that feeling, it’s the feeling we want and desire, not always the boy. Meanwhile boy is a big headed dick, who has just had his ego inflated even more. Sorry buddy, its not you the girl is chasing!!

Deep down, we know boy is a twat, not worth our time, any man who does that, is not worth it, good banter, good sex! Check your contacts girls, there are already several replacements awaiting your attention!

However none of them are boy! Boy becomes unreachable, and as humans we aim for what we can’t have! We desire what we can’t have.. We become addicted, an adrenalin rush, it heightens our sexual desires, wanting something we can’t have! We chase the thrill…

How do we stop this? How do we stop fantasising, that boy is having a bad week, and will get in touch, turn up with flowers, and be become the one… on rare occasions, after boy has fished around, boy does return, and does become mr perfect, maybe he did like you but was scared by commitment!!! Blah blah blah, I’m calling bull shit on that! If a guy is a genuine guy, he will want you, and no-one else. If a guy can fill your world with attention and disappear and have no thought about how much you like him, then what kind of human being is this?? Ghosting is cruel AF, and I hear it happening more and more. Guys will meet a girl, like a girl, but then a) Think the grass is greener b) be scared of liking the girl c) not feel ready for commitment … its quite simple. Men are a strange species, they think with their dicks, and when that initial lust dies, they want to move on, but guaranteed if you’re a good woman, they will orbit the fuck out of you, because they may like you a lot, and be intrigued by you, but overthink the situation massively. It’s like, part of them thinks Nah she’s not for me, but then there is a part of them, that is like ‘What is it about her’ , something even they can’t figure out, but their subconscious is perhaps more keen than they realise. 

Let’s think… I mean after all, as a sex, we are constantly over thinking to! What is it about boy, that makes him so special, if you took the chase out of it.. What is left? What can big offer you… He’s already shown you he bails? He’s already when you, that you are second to his über ego, yes already shown you, that he can hurt you, without a glimpse of guilt!! Is this the kind of man you need in your life? Was he really amazing, or was it just a big fat lie! To get you in his bed!

What we need, and I speak for myself here, is a man mature enough to know what he wants in life, a man to want love and happiness, and to realise maybe he does like the girl.. but men have so much variety at the touch of a button, and this is where it all goes wrong, because a man could meet mrs right forever, but still think he wants Mrs right now, fact is most guys are closed books even to theirselves, women can mess guys heads up to, they can wrestle with the weighing everything up, they will ponder back and forth, and sometimes reach the wrong decision without realising, but so can we, its called being human. We all fuck up, it’s part of the lesson of life, we let go of diamonds, men and women, sometimes we just don’t realise what we have at the time. This has happened a few times to me, I tend to date guys who are so laid back, they’re lay flat on their backs, and they can’t keep up with me, they find me immature, too chatty, too affectionate, but then they realise when they’re married off, or back being single, that wow she was really the best! I don’t say that easily, its just fact. Lets take Dave, now its been nearly 20 years since we dated, and every now and then he pops up, i’m sure he is on my block list on IG, but considering I have been moderately behaved in my 40 years, the return ratio of people reaching out every year or two, is bloody high. Some guys, I was never romantically involved with, but just have been in my orbit 10-20 years, like a strange little fixation, maybe I just bring energy to their day, but they watch every single work story I post, because the only way they can access me is via my work profiles. Odd!! The girls have a running joke, because it always happens, and it’s like they all like to keep a check on me, I like to think i’m memorable 😉 the daft, crazy girl from the midlands. The one they let get away and regret lol!

When I mentioned in last nights post, a lot of people hide behind a fake persona, and aren’t theirselves, and become who you want them to be, or who they think you want them to be, and with me I’m me, I don’t have nothing to hide, and I want longevity in love and friendships, so I say to everyone just be yourself, don’t play games, show who you are from the start, and there will be boys that love you and boys that don’t… boys that like you, and boys that don’t!

Remember girls, boys don’t see it as game playing, their fucked up, do they want it, don’t they want it mind, but yes its games, they can’t quite give you up, but then can’t quite decide if you are a 7 or 8, the deciding number! But girls, let’s evaluate this, as much as we can like boy, do we really need that dopamine hit that much, that it makes us feel shit, do we really need to be beating ourselves up, that perhaps we got way too close?? 

I recently found myself having levels of conversations, I don’t quite think I have had before, and whilst it excited the hell out of me, and I thought, maybe there is life after my ex, I then started to think, well if he can have this conversation level with me, how many more girls is he like this with, and that scared me, because I realised , fuck I like this guy, A LOT! Then the overthinking on the return path started, what if he thinks, i’m having this level of conversation with others, and this scared me off chatting to people! I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, shame, and quite disgusted with myself, I mean I hadn’t done anything wrong in hindsight, and in my own little Kerry world, I was really convinced something was there, and something was going to happen, so I invested and let my guard down, like I hadn’t before, and to be honest I spent a few weeks after not being able to eat or sleep, because I felt so disappointed in myself, the situation, in him, I had been blinded, thinking, this jigsaw piece actually matches on so many levels, wow, but sadly for me, (maybe I should say him tbh) he wasn’t on the same page, and I cringe with the ‘Its not you its me’ , first time for everything in life! I’m defo a sore looser and I think more so because what I felt and feel is/was genuine, but thats the thing, I guess I have never played the field so to speak, I have always been in a relationship, so never found myself in a situationship. I went on a date with another guy the other week, and all the way through, I was trying to be optimistic, see the positives, and I had , had the girls bang on, saying give it a chance, but as enjoyable as it was, I still couldn’t feel it, so I called a second date off… I just guess thats what life feels like right now, a big game, always someone dumping someone somewhere, because we’re indecisive and unsure who is right, who is wrong, who we want, who we don’t want, variety or monogamy, a good person, or a good looking person, we want packages that don’t exist, we want a human that isn’t yet on the market or possibly ever available. Social media has led us to this world of craving perfection, but does it really exist. 

Some days I know what I want, some days I change my mind, but I do know, I want me and my little boy to be happy, I don’t want to be with someone who can’t work out if they like me, my life experiences and heart deserve better than that, I am far from perfect, who is? But we are human, and beneath the falseness and external appearance, we have hearts, and anyone willing to play with those hearts, in their games, their orbiting, their ghosting, isn’t worth our time, respect and love, have to come from within, however hard it may be, however much you can look at someone and melt, they are not worth it! Save your heart and maybe , just maybe, prince charming will sweep you off your feet, maybe he will wake most days thinking off you, maybe he will think you’re worth a second date , maybe he will shower you with genuine compliments and affection, and can’t wait to hold you in his arms… and maybe just maybe, when you kiss, its something else, and a kiss both of you haven’t felt before, or in a long time, hold out your mind and body for that person….

Love 

Kerry xxx