Tag: relationships

Narcissists and their constant need for admiration and love.

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Are you a supplier to a narcissist? Do you feed their habit, their ego?

But can a narcissist ever be happy and in love?

Quote ‘A leopard never changes its spots’ – Maybe not but can the right woman, over time watch those spots fade, and don’t we all have an essence of Narcissist deep within?

Narcissists can love, perhaps the majority just superficial, always with one step out the door. A narcissist can make you feel you’re all they need, all they desire and they’re in love, yet you have a bad day, they hurt you, and the love rears its head very different to the kind of love we thought we were receiving. Narcissists lack empathy, nature or nurture, they have a complete inability to put anyone else needs before their own.

Narcissists need and crave attention and validation, they are most often attracted to those who can provide them with the highest grandiose of self, those who can supply their fix. Narcissists are attracted to those who are kind people and givers, the type of people who will shower them with compliments, the kind of people they see as good and pure, who will supply them with exactly what they need to feed and boost their ego., This is why we see Narcissists deliver love-bombing, claiming you’re soul mates, saying its like a dream come true, weekends away, perfect dates, gifts, compliment giving, because Narcissists love the beginning of a relationship, dreams of getting married, and the problem is even the best narcissists can’t keep up the momentum. Whether it be 6 weeks or 6 months , narcissists are very excitement and thrill driven, they feel empowered from your attention, your affection, but as time goes on, little things will start to creep in, gas lighting, insults, back handed comments, correcting you, telling you they say things with love, but then insult you. The puzzle pieces start to fit together, and you will see these triggers come from frustration, anger, and the actual dark side of their personality, and they will try and double back, because they will still require their validation, however as they start to express their true self, perhaps in time of stress, over time there will be more and more of them, so you notice this exciting person you met and fell for, actually becomes almost flat line empty soul of a person, and you don’t want to compliment them, you don’t have that same butterfly feeling, and so you stop the supply, and rather than see this as their fault, (which it is) they will blame you, they’re very naturally novelty seeking people, they love the high feeling, this is why so many of them are drug or have been drug addicts, they love those dopaminergic feelings and in their make believe fantasy its you who is at fault, you who has made this go ‘boring’ you are the problem, never them! You’ve taken the excitement away! However the truth is, they were living in fantasy dream land, caught up in their high fix, and you were the drug, however once their true character kicked in, and they start putting you down, start winding you up for a reaction and start showing instability and inconsistency, it causes a huge imbalance in the relationship. One of you will be waiting and praying for their fun side to return, hoping it was really them, whilst walking on eggshells and never knowing what is around the corner, because their frame of mind actually scares you. One minute they love you more than life, the next they’re so cold, and you never know what personality you’ll be met with, so as the supplier, your anxiety takes over and you can’t be that fun person a giving constant praise, Because your energies are depleted, So the narcissist sees you as the one who has changed, sees you as the one not compatible, you as the one who its boring, when really it’s their fucked up view on life and how they treat others which has caused all this.

As good people we will naturally enter any relationship giving praise, and status and validation, however there are ways to spot a narcissist at the very start. Do they talk of children together, a house together a life together after just a date or two? We can’t call narcissists fake, they just live a false reality, a fantasy world, where they see visions and have desires, and they will want that, but its your supply that feeds these fantasies.

Narcissists are very precarious individuals, often very fickle jumping from one idea to another, completely driven in life by their own self worth, self interest and they will tread and hurt anyone to get what they want In life. To live out the fantasy they see in their head, they are hyper-competitive and impatient demanding everything their way, in their time, and everyone following their lead, because in their head narcissists are never wrong, so its their way or the highway. Once the fantasy of you dies off, they will already be onto their next victim, because many of them need a plan B and back up plan, so they can have that constant attention.

The idea of the classic grandiose narcissist – the most recognisable form of Narcissism, is characterised by entitlement, redness, arrogance, and a constant need for touch and admiration. They tend to have a high self esteem and believe there is a hierarchy In life and they are superior to others. They are often boastful and tell you their earnings, their materials, what cars they have driven, they often inflate numbers and exaggerate their achievements and they can become combative, aggressive and take a dislike to you if their superiority is challenged. The will dominate conversations, by talking at you not with you, they will accuse you of not listening almost like you are the child and they are the parent, what they say is right, based on their facts, and everyone else opinion doesn’t matter. They will often dominate relationships , with lines such as ‘I like things traditional, the man in charge’ all the time setting seeds and foundations, to conform you to their controlling ways, remember they are childlike in wanting everything their way. They will also want you almost scared of them, so will keep you on knife edge, on your toes, so you form attachment to them, because they will want you craving them, chasing them.

Many narcissists turn to criminal acts, such as fraud, because their ego and lack of empathy enables them to work and prosper and not have any empathy for the victims they steal from. They will take and take to fund their own luxury lifestyle, and not give AF about the consequences. This is the same in love. They will want you hand holding them constantly, praising them constantly, yet when you need them they fail to show up.

Narcissists don’t need love, they don’t feel love, they feel love for theirselves and the image of what they think love is, they will dream they want the fairy tale, but unless they recognise their traits and get the right therapy, they will never ever feel happiness. They will get their fix through shopping money, women, and cars, but they will never feel or love in the traditional sense, and sadly will end up very lonely, or dying young from drug addictions and gluttony problems such as heart attack from the over use of steroids and drug misuse.

Remember the 4 D’s are a narcissist Denial, Dismissal, Devaluation and Divorce. A pattern that will never cease unless the narcissist gets real help.

Denial – Narcissists often deny responsibility for their actions, blame others, or minimize the impact of their behavior. This can manifest as a persistent lack of accountability. If you try to explain their actions have hurt you, they will suddenly recall that one time you hurt them, because they struggle to take and accept blame, remember a narcissist is new wrong in their mind.

Dismissal – They may dismiss or invalidate the feelings, opinions, or experiences of others, often downplaying their significance or importance. They will speak over you, and not let you voice your opinions and when you do, they will disagree and often say you are wrong, wasn’t listening and dismiss your opinion.

Devaluation – This involves making someone feel inadequate, worthless, or inferior, often through criticism, belittling, or public humiliation. If you’re a confident partner, they will like that about you at first, but over time they will chip away. I recently found this myself, after years of body dismorphia and an eating disorder, I had my body, my looks criticised, which is abuse, whether I had, had disorders or not, but again, they will follow the insult with ‘I say this with love, but’ – And the strange thing was, the guy wasn’t my type in the beginning, his love bombing won me over, so I could of easily given my opinions on him, but I would never be so rude to. However a real narcissist will mark you beneath them, so if you display confidence, and for instance say ‘Oh I love my legs’ – low and behold they will say something detrimental about your legs.

Divorce/Discard – In the context of relationships, this can refer to the end of the relationship, either through physical separation or emotional withdrawal. The narcissist may discard the person they were previously idealizing, often with little regard for their feeling, they won’t care how they do this, and will most likely do it over the phone, so they can state their facts, not listen to yours and run the fuck away, because again your opinion doesn’t matter, there’s does, that’s how they feel, deal with it!!!! Their lack of emotional intelligence and empathy will see them on this path of self destruction all through their lives. From one woman/ man to the next, falling in love and lust, using the innocent person, manipulating them, knocking them down so the dynamics change, then blaming the poor victim, and making an excuse to move onto the next.

Whilst there is no cure for NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) in the sense of pure elimination, it has been found by investing in therapy, coupled with a sense of truly wanting to change, there can be dramatic improvements and they can almost go on to live normal lives, with the support of a very loving family and very patient partner. However as we have discussed this can be near impossible, because nearly all people with NPD, are in complete denial of their wrong doing, it will 99% of the time be somebody else’s fault, and you will very rarely hear them say Sorry or Thank you. They don’t feel they need to, Because in their world, YOU are beneath them, you are 49% and they are 51% they don’t view equality like a normal person, Because they have a constant need to impress others, look a certain way, act a certain way, show off a certain way. Remember they don’t care for you, they don’t care for their own children, their own mothers, they will care about theirselves only. On the surface they will proclaim all the love in the world, but when you need them, they will never show up.

Clinical research has shown, a reduction in grey matter in the brain of people with NPD, in areas of the brain like the anterior insult, which controls empathy. They had an unusual thinning of the brain in this area across all the study boards. When faced with testing and presented with tasks of social and emotional stimuli, Functional neuroimaging studies have revealed reduced activity in brain regions involved in empathy and compassion.

Research also suggests abnormalities and changes in the orbito-frontal cortex, which controls emotional intelligence and regulation and our social behaviours. Research suggests that the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the striatum n(a brain region involved in reward and motivation) may be disrupted in individuals with NPD, giving reason to hyper competitiveness, a lack of patience and a need to admired and praised. Whilst research continues into this field, we only have to look into the links between people with NPD and their high rate connection to violent crimes, they are very dangerous individuals with many prolific murderers being diagnosed with NPD. This condition is not just an instagram meme, its life changing and harmful for those caught up with a person who has NPD.

Remember a narcissist will deny they need therapy, and if they do feel they have to entertain the idea to please others, they will attend maybe one or two sessions, and rank theirselves higher at sorting their problems, than a trained Doctor, if they and very rarely do stick at it, then it can potentially work and turn their lives around, but narcissist may recognise their behaviour for a week or two then want to change, then suddenly it will be back to everyone else being a mess, to blame, at fault. So trying to get them to commit long term, when they are so fickle will be the biggest test of all.

It may be heart breaking to know and realise when the jigsaw pieces match up that you’re actually dating a narcissist, you may be like how I was so down trodden, so emotionally exhausted and feel so duped that there may be a sad sigh of relief. They are super tuned in, if they see you starting to get second thoughts, they will reel you back in, feed you a little, to keep you hanging off their carrot, then once you’re back, return back, and its like they have a bag of treats and you’re the puppy, and a tiny rewarder and there, will have your tail wagging.

Remember you are human to, and you will have your heart broken by this person, who will love you one day, and finish you the next with a whole barrage of excuses. You deserve better… always remember. You don’t need to change, its them, and if they cannot see that, then sadly you only get one life, its time to move on, as he’s probably already got his next victim lined up, so he can dispose of your attention because someone else is picking up the tab.

Look after yourselves… not them… you can’t keep supplying them, its mentally exhausting, it will leave you walking on egg shells, anxious, nervous and scared. So worried you will say the wrong thing, wear something they don’t like, or even have your own opinion. Stay safe…

Are there benefits to Celibacy?

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Pro’s and Con’s of Celibacy

Celibacy, abstinence, no sex, lots of sex, regular sex…

Yes I can almost hear your minds right now, reading that title, who in their right mind?

Celibacy has its pro’s and con’s and no therapist or human being can tell you, life with your legs shut tight, is healthy, I mean maybe against STD’s, however we are naturally wired, to crave and desire sex.

Sex positively impacts the body, improved immune system, reduced blood pressure, reduced stress levels and a a reduced risk of cardiovascular events, plus the high majority of individuals (hopefully nearly all) enjoy it! In men alone, regular ejaculation can improve prostrate health, A 2018 meta-analysisTrusted Source found ejaculating two to four times per week had associations with a lower risk of prostate cancer. So come on… Sex wins again doesn’t it?

For females, frequent sex again, either with a partner or solo, can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles that support the bladder. This can improve bladder function and reduce incontinence. I mean if you’ve had kids, this again surely a benefit?

Measured in mental health surveys, a recent 2020 survey actually found regular sex can lift depression and anxiety, where as bouts of abstinence can lead to a feeling of loneliness, a feeling of being unwanted, and whether preference or not, it can lead to bouts of depression.

However, lets take time to think about this, my own journey of celibacy has been an interesting one. As a woman who has such an open mind and high sex drive, why would I opt for celibacy?

Now, trust me, its not for not wanting sex? I miss good sex! However it has more to do with the journey of self love, self appreciation, appreciating, what giving my body away, truly means.

Celibacy in itself is a reward, and although may seem like endurance and a form of punishment to oneself , it really is a chance to heal, nurture and protect your mind, body and soul. Don’t be afraid to belong to you, we often find ourselves belonging to others, and pleasing others, however this is giving others power over our bodies and who we are. If we look at celibacy as a way to keeping our own power and a healing tool, an opportunity for internal growth. Celibacy is used in many cultures and paths in life. Many people feel by maintaining celibacy is will strengthen their relationship with God or higher power. Celibacy can give more energy to dedicate to spiritual practices. If we look at hinduism and Buddhism , their culture views it as a way to detach from desires and addictions, and sees celibacy as a cleanse and rebirth.

For me, and many other celibacy is a time for self reflection, self nurturing and a chance to explore and understand oneself. It can help with emotional maturity and emotional stability, allowing you to take a back seat and view decisions you have made, and what you would do differently, we can harbour the energy for growth and personal goals, and for clarity and clear thinking, which in itself eases mental health pressures.

Celibacy is a personal journey and only we can enter celibacy off our own backs, only we can make decisions like that to know we have the own power to control, and be in charge of our own strengths. Whether we opt to try it or give it a miss, I personally think over our life time its worth doing the journey at least once, and whether it be for a few weeks or a few months, give your body and mind enough time to see and feel the benefits. You’ll thank me later…

The Game..

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The game! Here is where we go wrong, I can write this, you can read it, but honestly it won’t change you or me…

Ok…

Girl meets boy, girl and boy chat nice things, sex things, marriage things. Girl goes on a date with boy, girl and boy have sex, girl goes home smiling. Girl texts boy to thank him for an amazing night, no answer, Girl calls boy in her lunch break, no answer. Girl texts after work, with deliver report on, still no answer from boy. Girl texts boy good night. Still no answer.

Two days pass, girl texts boy a few more times, still no answer. Girl thinks, has boy died? Is boy ok? Has boy fell down a mine and needs rescuing? Girl texts boy, “are you ok?” , no answer, girl is confused! Girl logs onto instagram, searches boy, boy updated status two hours ago, pheeeew! Boy is still alive! Girl thinks, maybe girl has done something wrong? Girl texts boy, girl apologises, for something, but not sure what, still no answer from boy! Girl over thinks, girl gets upset, girl cries, girl can’t eat, girl can’t sleep, girl feels sad.

Girls great auntie dies, girl texts boy to tell boy, still no answer, it gets worse, girls pet gerbil dies, girl texts boy, still no answer, girl cries again. Girl goes back to dating website, chats to more boys, but still girl texts original boy, girl thinks, girl compares all nice guys to boy, girl texts boy, still no answer….. Girl demands answers… Still no answer..

FUCK!!! When do we stop, this is what we do!! This is what us women do, I mean surely he is interested right? Surely he liked us right? This is what girls do… 

The best of it is, this situation isn’t just about boy??!!! It’s the challenge we like. Competitive or not, this is what we do! You could be the most beautiful girl on the planet, yet this will still happen with at least 1 or 2 guys in your life time, you could run your own successful businesses, yet still you become girl who lies on the couch not knowing what is going on! As women we like to win, we like to succeed, we like to know if there is a problem, because we are super human after all, we can fix anything, yes?

It’s not the boy that’s the goal here, it’s the contact! We need it, we fantasies about it, we feel we need it, in order to function! It’s the dopamine hit, the adrenaline, the addiction. Because every-time we speak to boy our dopamine levels are increased and we like that feeling, it’s the feeling we want and desire, not always the boy. Meanwhile boy is a big headed dick, who has just had his ego inflated even more. Sorry buddy, its not you the girl is chasing!!

Deep down, we know boy is a twat, not worth our time, any man who does that, is not worth it, good banter, good sex! Check your contacts girls, there are already several replacements awaiting your attention!

However none of them are boy! Boy becomes unreachable, and as humans we aim for what we can’t have! We desire what we can’t have.. We become addicted, an adrenalin rush, it heightens our sexual desires, wanting something we can’t have! We chase the thrill…

How do we stop this? How do we stop fantasising, that boy is having a bad week, and will get in touch, turn up with flowers, and be become the one… on rare occasions, after boy has fished around, boy does return, and does become mr perfect, maybe he did like you but was scared by commitment!!! Blah blah blah, I’m calling bull shit on that! If a guy is a genuine guy, he will want you, and no-one else. If a guy can fill your world with attention and disappear and have no thought about how much you like him, then what kind of human being is this?? Ghosting is cruel AF, and I hear it happening more and more. Guys will meet a girl, like a girl, but then a) Think the grass is greener b) be scared of liking the girl c) not feel ready for commitment … its quite simple. Men are a strange species, they think with their dicks, and when that initial lust dies, they want to move on, but guaranteed if you’re a good woman, they will orbit the fuck out of you, because they may like you a lot, and be intrigued by you, but overthink the situation massively. It’s like, part of them thinks Nah she’s not for me, but then there is a part of them, that is like ‘What is it about her’ , something even they can’t figure out, but their subconscious is perhaps more keen than they realise. 

Let’s think… I mean after all, as a sex, we are constantly over thinking to! What is it about boy, that makes him so special, if you took the chase out of it.. What is left? What can big offer you… He’s already shown you he bails? He’s already when you, that you are second to his über ego, yes already shown you, that he can hurt you, without a glimpse of guilt!! Is this the kind of man you need in your life? Was he really amazing, or was it just a big fat lie! To get you in his bed!

What we need, and I speak for myself here, is a man mature enough to know what he wants in life, a man to want love and happiness, and to realise maybe he does like the girl.. but men have so much variety at the touch of a button, and this is where it all goes wrong, because a man could meet mrs right forever, but still think he wants Mrs right now, fact is most guys are closed books even to theirselves, women can mess guys heads up to, they can wrestle with the weighing everything up, they will ponder back and forth, and sometimes reach the wrong decision without realising, but so can we, its called being human. We all fuck up, it’s part of the lesson of life, we let go of diamonds, men and women, sometimes we just don’t realise what we have at the time. This has happened a few times to me, I tend to date guys who are so laid back, they’re lay flat on their backs, and they can’t keep up with me, they find me immature, too chatty, too affectionate, but then they realise when they’re married off, or back being single, that wow she was really the best! I don’t say that easily, its just fact. Lets take Dave, now its been nearly 20 years since we dated, and every now and then he pops up, i’m sure he is on my block list on IG, but considering I have been moderately behaved in my 40 years, the return ratio of people reaching out every year or two, is bloody high. Some guys, I was never romantically involved with, but just have been in my orbit 10-20 years, like a strange little fixation, maybe I just bring energy to their day, but they watch every single work story I post, because the only way they can access me is via my work profiles. Odd!! The girls have a running joke, because it always happens, and it’s like they all like to keep a check on me, I like to think i’m memorable 😉 the daft, crazy girl from the midlands. The one they let get away and regret lol!

When I mentioned in last nights post, a lot of people hide behind a fake persona, and aren’t theirselves, and become who you want them to be, or who they think you want them to be, and with me I’m me, I don’t have nothing to hide, and I want longevity in love and friendships, so I say to everyone just be yourself, don’t play games, show who you are from the start, and there will be boys that love you and boys that don’t… boys that like you, and boys that don’t!

Remember girls, boys don’t see it as game playing, their fucked up, do they want it, don’t they want it mind, but yes its games, they can’t quite give you up, but then can’t quite decide if you are a 7 or 8, the deciding number! But girls, let’s evaluate this, as much as we can like boy, do we really need that dopamine hit that much, that it makes us feel shit, do we really need to be beating ourselves up, that perhaps we got way too close?? 

I recently found myself having levels of conversations, I don’t quite think I have had before, and whilst it excited the hell out of me, and I thought, maybe there is life after my ex, I then started to think, well if he can have this conversation level with me, how many more girls is he like this with, and that scared me, because I realised , fuck I like this guy, A LOT! Then the overthinking on the return path started, what if he thinks, i’m having this level of conversation with others, and this scared me off chatting to people! I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, shame, and quite disgusted with myself, I mean I hadn’t done anything wrong in hindsight, and in my own little Kerry world, I was really convinced something was there, and something was going to happen, so I invested and let my guard down, like I hadn’t before, and to be honest I spent a few weeks after not being able to eat or sleep, because I felt so disappointed in myself, the situation, in him, I had been blinded, thinking, this jigsaw piece actually matches on so many levels, wow, but sadly for me, (maybe I should say him tbh) he wasn’t on the same page, and I cringe with the ‘Its not you its me’ , first time for everything in life! I’m defo a sore looser and I think more so because what I felt and feel is/was genuine, but thats the thing, I guess I have never played the field so to speak, I have always been in a relationship, so never found myself in a situationship. I went on a date with another guy the other week, and all the way through, I was trying to be optimistic, see the positives, and I had , had the girls bang on, saying give it a chance, but as enjoyable as it was, I still couldn’t feel it, so I called a second date off… I just guess thats what life feels like right now, a big game, always someone dumping someone somewhere, because we’re indecisive and unsure who is right, who is wrong, who we want, who we don’t want, variety or monogamy, a good person, or a good looking person, we want packages that don’t exist, we want a human that isn’t yet on the market or possibly ever available. Social media has led us to this world of craving perfection, but does it really exist. 

Some days I know what I want, some days I change my mind, but I do know, I want me and my little boy to be happy, I don’t want to be with someone who can’t work out if they like me, my life experiences and heart deserve better than that, I am far from perfect, who is? But we are human, and beneath the falseness and external appearance, we have hearts, and anyone willing to play with those hearts, in their games, their orbiting, their ghosting, isn’t worth our time, respect and love, have to come from within, however hard it may be, however much you can look at someone and melt, they are not worth it! Save your heart and maybe , just maybe, prince charming will sweep you off your feet, maybe he will wake most days thinking off you, maybe he will think you’re worth a second date , maybe he will shower you with genuine compliments and affection, and can’t wait to hold you in his arms… and maybe just maybe, when you kiss, its something else, and a kiss both of you haven’t felt before, or in a long time, hold out your mind and body for that person….

Love 

Kerry xxx