Category: Burnout recovery

The Girl Who

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

1 am Kerry.

The girl who was never really seen.

The girl who learned to read a room before she learned to read a book.

The girl who knew when to be quiet, when to disappear, when to hold her breath and wait for the storm to pass.

The girl who experienced things no child should ever have to live through.

The girl who learned that sometimes the people who should protect you are the people who hurt you.

The girl who grew up too quickly, The girl who learned to cope, to adapt, to make herself small, to survive.

The girl who carried pain that wasn’t hers to carry, and learned to keep going anyway.

The girl who, later in life, found herself in relationships that were unsafe, where love became control,

where kindness could turn to cruelty, and the people she trusted again chose their own needs over her safety.

The girl who learned that home isn’t always a safe place,

and that leaving can be the bravest thing you ever do.

The girl who picked herself up.

The girl who carried herself out.

The girl who learned not to ask for too much, not to need too much, not to expect too much.

The girl who could survive anything.

The girl who turned her pain into purpose.

The girl who fights for every woman to make a stand against those who hurt them.

The girl who believes every woman should be in charge of their own body, their own choices and hold their own agency.

The girl who speaks up when other women are silenced.

The girl who uses her story to support, empower and help other women.

And everyone called her strong.

But nobody knew that strong was simply

what happened when a little girl had no other choice.

Because underneath the woman is still the girl who sometimes wonders

what it might feel like to be someone’s first thought.

The girl who wanted someone to notice when she was tired.

The girl who wanted someone to say,

“You don’t have to be brave today.”

The girl who wanted somewhere safe to put down everything she’s been carrying.

The girl who wanted arms around her that didn’t eventually let go.

The girl who wanted to be loved

without having to be so strong all the time.

The girl who wanted to know what it felt like to be rescued, without having to fall apart first.

She didn’t want saving because she was weak.

She wanted to be held because she had been holding herself for far too long

And now, when I look back at her, I don’t see a girl who was broken.

I see the girl who survived

The girl who kept going even when nobody knew how hard going was.

But perhaps she deserves more than survival.

Perhaps she deserves to know what it feels like when somebody else stays.

When somebody else holds on.

When somebody else looks at her and decides,

“T’ve got you.”

Maybe every girl out there is a girl who doesn’t need rescuing, but needs somebody to notice.

A girl who needs to be loved.

A girl who needs to be held.

A girl who needs someone just to hold out their hand and say, “I’ve got you”

Because in each and every one of us, there is

‘A Girl Who.’

We’ve all overcome things in our lives that have brought us to where we are now.

And maybe, just maybe, we can stop trying to rescue ourselves and not be ashamed to ever ask for help.

Christianity and Sex: What does the Bible really say about Premarital Sex?

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The Christian Sex Debate Nobody Wants to Have

From premarital sex and sexual compatibility to fantasies, fidelity, and whether God really cares what happens in the bedroom.

Try Before You Buy? Does Christian sexual morality still make sense in 2026?

Let’s talk about sex.

More specifically, let’s talk about Christianity and sex.

Because there is something rather fascinating about the relationship between the two.

Christianity has a lot to say about love, marriage, fidelity, temptation, desire, self-control and sexual morality. And yet, for something that is such a fundamental part of being human, sex can still be one of those subjects that Christians find incredibly difficult to talk about openly.

And perhaps that is why I wanted to write this.

Not to attack Christianity, not to tell Christians what they should or shouldn’t believe and certainly not to suggest that there is only one way to be a Christian.

I am a Christian woman myself.

I have been married. I have been divorced. I have experienced love, heartbreak, intimacy and betrayal and as someone who has studied therapy and the psychosexual side of relationships, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what actually makes relationships work.

My own beliefs around sex are fairly simple.

I believe intimacy should mean something, I believe commitment matters, I believe trust matters, I believe kindness matters, I believe consent matters and I believe that when you become intimate with somebody, you are stepping into something that can be incredibly vulnerable for both people.

However, does that necessarily mean we have to wait until a wedding ceremony before we can discover whether we are sexually compatible?

Well, that’s where things get interesting.

Does the Bible actually say you can’t have sex before marriage?

The traditional Christian answer is essentially yes.

Catholic teaching is very clear that sexual intercourse belongs within marriage and that unmarried couples are called to live chastely rather than engaging in sexual relations. The Catechism describes marriage as a complete and lifelong mutual gift and says that sexual intimacy becomes part of that marital commitment. (Vatican⁠)

Many conservative Protestant and evangelical churches hold a similar position, interpreting biblical passages concerning sexual immorality, marriage and the “one flesh” relationship as teaching that sex belongs within marriage.

But there is an important distinction. The Bible doesn’t actually contain a simple sentence saying:

“Thou shalt not have sex before marriage.”

The traditional Christian position is an interpretation drawn from a collection of passages and theological principles. The traditional Christian teaching that sex belongs within marriage come from how a number of biblical passages about sexual immorality, marriage and sexual desire and the ‘One flesh’ relationship have been interpreted together, the traditional conclusion is simply very well established. If we look at examples to help us look deeper..

1. 1 Corinthians 6:18–20 – “Flee from sexual immorality”

This is probably one of the strongest passages for the traditional argument.

Paul says:

“Flee from sexual immorality… honour God with your bodies.”

He then connects sexual union with the “one flesh” language from Genesis 2:24. 

The traditional interpretation is essentially:

Sexual union is not morally neutral. Your body belongs to God, and sexual intimacy creates a profound bodily union, so Christians are called to avoid sexual relationships outside God’s intended framework.

The interesting bit is that Paul doesn’t spell out every prohibited scenario. He uses the broad category sexual immorality, which Christians have subsequently interpreted in different ways.

2. 1 Corinthians 7:2 – marriage as the answer to sexual desire

Paul writes:

“Since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.”

He then discusses mutual sexual responsibilities within marriage. 

The traditional interpretation is fairly obvious:

If sexual desire is difficult to control, marriage provides the appropriate context for sexual intimacy.

That’s one of the passages behind the historic Christian teaching that sex belongs within marriage.

But notice something important for your article: Paul is not writing a modern sex-Ed manual. He’s addressing a particular Christian community with particular questions about sexual behaviour, marriage and celibacy.

So we shouldn’t pretend the verse is more explicit than it actually is.

3. 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7 – “avoid sexual immorality”

This is another major passage.

Paul says:

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality…”

He goes on to talk about controlling one’s body “in a way that is holy and honorable” and not wronging or taking advantage of another person. 

Don’t exploit another person.

That fits beautifully with what you’ve been saying about kindness.

The traditional Christian sexual ethic isn’t only about “Don’t have sex.”

It is also about:

self-control + holiness + honour + not taking advantage of another person.

4. Hebrews 13:4 – “the marriage bed”

This is probably one of the most direct verses for the traditional position.

Hebrews says:

“Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure…”

and then contrasts the marriage bed with adultery and sexual immorality. 

Traditional Christians have understandably read this as supporting the idea that sexual intimacy has a particular place within marriage.

Again, though, it doesn’t literally say:

“Unmarried people must never have sex.”

It establishes a strong connection between marriage, sexual purity and the marriage bed.

5. Genesis 2:24 – “the two will become one flesh”

This one is incredibly important because it becomes a foundation for later Christian teaching.

Genesis describes marriage:

“A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

Then Jesus repeats this teaching in Matthew 19:4–6, and Paul uses it again in 1 Corinthians 6:16 when discussing sexual union. 

This is where the traditional Christian concept becomes really interesting.

Sex isn’t regarded simply as:

two people doing a physical activity.

It is associated with becoming “one flesh.”

So the theological argument becomes:

If sexual union creates a “one flesh” relationship, shouldn’t that union belong within the covenant of marriage?

That’s a theological inference rather than a direct prohibition, but you can see exactly how Christians got there.

6. Matthew 19:4–6 – Jesus connects sex, marriage and “one flesh”

Jesus quotes Genesis when discussing marriage and divorce.

He says:

“The two will become one flesh.”

And then:

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Again, Jesus isn’t specifically answering the question:

“Can an unmarried couple have sex?”

He’s talking about marriage and divorce.

But Christian theology has connected these passages together to develop the idea that sexual union belongs within the permanent marital relationship.

7. Ephesians 5:3 – “among you there must not be even a hint…”

Paul writes that there should not be:

“sexual immorality, or any kind of impurity…” among Christians.

This passage is particularly interesting because Paul places sexual behaviour alongside greed, obscenity, foolish talk and impurity.

So again, the emphasis isn’t simply biological.

It’s about character and how someone lives.

8. Colossians 3:5 – “put to death… sexual immorality”

Paul again tells Christians to put away:

“sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires…”

This becomes part of the traditional Christian argument that Christians are expected to exercise self-control over sexual desire, rather than allowing desire to dictate behaviour.

Christianity isn’t necessarily saying:

“Don’t have sexual desires.”

It’s saying:

“Your desires don’t have to control your actions.”

That’s a very different proposition.

9. Matthew 5:27–28 – Jesus and lust

This is the famous passage where Jesus says:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

This is important because Christianity’s sexual ethic isn’t confined to physical behaviour. Jesus moves the conversation towards intention, desire and the inner life and that is exactly why Christian debates about pornography, masturbation and sexual fantasies become so complicated.

The question becomes:

What happens inside our minds as well as what we physically do?

 “When people say the Bible teaches that sex belongs within marriage, they aren’t pulling that belief out of thin air. There is a substantial biblical foundation for the traditional Christian interpretation however, there is also a difference between saying the Bible contains a number of passages from which this teaching is derived and saying the Bible contains one simple sentence explicitly prohibiting all sex before marriage.”

That doesn’t make the traditional interpretation meaningless. It simply means that interpretation matters and Christians have been interpreting Scripture for centuries.

There isn’t one giant Christian committee sitting somewhere deciding what every Christian in the world must believe about sex.

There are Catholics, Orthodox Christians, Anglicans, Baptists, Methodists, Pentecostals, evangelicals, progressive Protestants and many other traditions.

And… they don’t all agree.

Even the Church of England acknowledges that there are differences within Christianity over relationships, sexuality and family life, and its Living in Love and Faith work has deliberately brought together biblical, theological, historical, scientific and lived-experience perspectives. (Church of England⁠)

Perhaps that’s one of the beautiful things about faith.

We can believe deeply without necessarily believing identically.

So why does traditional Christianity put sex inside marriage?

I actually think Christians deserve a fair hearing here.

Because the traditional Christian argument isn’t simply:

“Sex is dirty.”

In fact, it is almost the opposite.

The traditional argument is that sex is so powerful that it deserves a meaningful framework around it.

Sex can create emotional attachment.

It can create children.

It can create vulnerability.

It can deepen a relationship.

It can expose parts of us that we don’t show everybody and it can hurt enormously when trust is broken.

Christian marriage is therefore supposed to be more than a legal document.It is intended to be a covenant: a promise of love, commitment, fidelity and mutual giving.

The Catholic Catechism describes marital sexuality as part of the total gift spouses make to one another, rather than something merely biological. (Vatican⁠)

And I actually understand that…I really do.

Because when you have experienced what happens when somebody breaks a commitment, you understand that fidelity isn’t just a word. It matters.

But what happens when the world changes?

This is where I think Christians need to have an honest conversation. We don’t live in the same society that existed hundreds or thousands of years ago.

People marry later.

People date differently.

People live together before marriage.

People meet through apps.

People form relationships across countries.

..and perhaps most importantly, sex is more accessible than it has ever been.

You can literally meet someone, message them, flirt with them, exchange photographs and potentially begin an affair without leaving your bedroom.

Technology has changed the landscape of relationships and yet our desire for love, intimacy and connection hasn’t changed very much at all.

British attitudes have also changed dramatically over recent decades.

Research from the National Centre for Social Research shows a significant religious divide in attitudes towards premarital sex, but also demonstrates how much more permissive British society has become. In British Social Attitudes data, 93% of people identifying as non-religious regarded premarital sex as rarely wrong or not wrong at all, compared with 82% of those identifying as Anglican or Roman Catholic and 66% of people identifying as other Christian. (National Centre for Social Research⁠)

So Christianity hasn’t disappeared from the conversation.

But it is now having that conversation in a very different culture.

Try before you buy?

That phrase sounds awful when we’re talking about human beings.

People aren’t cars, People aren’t houses, People aren’t handbags and relationships certainly shouldn’t be treated like Amazon purchases with a fourteen-day return policy, but underneath the rather cheeky phrase is a genuine question.

Should sexual compatibility be something we discover before making a lifelong commitment?

Because we encourage people to discover compatibility in so many other areas.

Do you want children? Do you want to live in the same place? Do you have compatible financial values? Do you communicate well? Do you want the same kind of lifestyle? Can you resolve conflict? Do you share similar values?

Why, then, is sexual compatibility sometimes treated as the one area where we shouldn’t find out anything until after we’ve made the commitment?

The traditional Christian answer is that sex isn’t simply another compatibility test. It’s part of the covenant.

I understand that.

But as somebody who has explored relationships and sexuality from a therapeutic perspective, I also think we have to acknowledge something uncomfortable:

Two people can love each other deeply and still be sexually incompatible.

…and sadly love doesn’t always magically fix that.

What if the sex doesn’t grow?

We’ve all heard the advice:

“Wait for the right person. If you love each other enough, the sex will develop.”

Sometimes it probably does. Sometimes couples learn each other’s bodies.

They communicate.

They become more confident.

They discover what works.

They become safer with one another and the sexual relationship grows alongside the emotional one.

BUT….. sometimes it doesn’t.

One person may have a much higher libido.

One may want more physical affection.

One may have fantasies the other doesn’t share.

One may be adventurous and the other more reserved.

One may see sex as essential to feeling connected while the other doesn’t.

None of that necessarily means either person is bad.

It means they are human beings with different needs and this is why I think sexual compatibility deserves to be discussed without automatically dismissing it as shallow.

Sex isn’t everything, but for many couples, it is something.

What I believe as a Christian woman

This is where I want to make my own position very clear.

I don’t personally believe that a Christian has to follow exactly the same sexual boundaries as every other Christian. We are all individuals with our own minds, and bodies and opinions, and wow isn’t that what makes the world so great!!

Some Christians believe sex should only happen after marriage.

Some Christians believe that sex can be morally acceptable within a deeply committed relationship even if that relationship isn’t formally married.

Some Christians take a much more conservative interpretation of sexual behaviour.

Others are considerably more liberal.

And I think we can have those disagreements without turning on one another.

Personally, I believe commitment matters enormously.

If I were becoming intimate with somebody now, I wouldn’t want it to be casual in the sense of emotionally meaningless.

I would want trust, I would want to know the person, I would want to feel safe, I would want honesty, I would want mutual attraction, I would want emotional connection and I would want to know that if we became intimate, neither of us was treating the other person as disposable.

That, for me, is where my Christianity and my personal values meet.

Not necessarily in a list of sexual positions.

Not in a rulebook.

But in how I treat another human being. So recently for me, I moved away from celibacy and did have intimacy with someone I genuinely looked at and thought.. there was a genuine chance of a future together. 

Because intimacy creates responsibility

I’ve thought about this particularly recently.

When you become intimate with somebody and then that person pulls away, it can leave you sitting with an enormous amount of confusion.

You can find yourself asking: Was it something I did? Did I misread the connection? Did intimacy mean something different to them? Did I become attached? Did they?

Why did it feel close one minute and distant the next?

And whether you’re Christian or not, there is something we need to remember.

There is another human being on the other side of our choices.

That matters….

If you know that intimacy creates vulnerability, then kindness matters. If you know somebody is becoming emotionally attached, honesty matters. If you know you’re not looking for a relationship, communication matters and if you’ve changed your mind, you are still entitled to change your mind.

But you should do so with kindness.

That’s important to me.

Because consent isn’t just about whether somebody agreed to have sex.

A healthy sexual relationship also involves honesty, respect and consideration for the emotional consequences.

Does God ask us to take responsibility for our choices?

I believe Christianity does.

The Bible repeatedly presents human beings as responsible moral agents.

Paul writes in Romans 14:12 that each person will give an account of themselves to God.

Galatians 6:5 speaks about each person carrying their own load.

Christianity’s concept of repentance only really makes sense if our choices matter.

But here’s the beautiful part.

Christianity doesn’t say:

“You must be perfect.”

It says:

“You are responsible for what you do, and when you get it wrong, there is a path back.”

That’s very different from shame and I think that’s something we sometimes lose.

Guilt doesn’t automatically make us better Christians

There is a difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt says:

“I did something I believe was wrong.”

Shame says:

“There is something fundamentally wrong with me.”

Those are not the same thing.

I don’t believe carrying enormous shame about sexuality automatically makes somebody a better Christian.

The Catholic Catechism itself recognises that when assessing personal responsibility, factors including psychological and social circumstances, anxiety, immaturity and habitual behaviour can affect culpability. (Vatican⁠)

Christianity has a concept called grace for a reason.

If the Christian life were simply about never making a mistake, none of us would stand much of a chance.

Are Christians supposed to have vanilla sex?

This might be my favourite question.

Because where exactly does the Bible say that good Christian sex has to be boring? It doesn’t. There isn’t a biblical list saying:

Missionary: yes.

Oral sex: maybe.

Anal sex: absolutely not.

Role play: consult your priest.

Lights on: questionable.

Lights off: definitely holier.

I’m being deliberately ridiculous here because sometimes we talk about Christian sexuality as though God handed humanity a bedroom instruction manual.

The reality is much more complicated.

The Song of Solomon is one of the Bible’s most sensual books, celebrating physical attraction, desire and erotic love.

Christianity isn’t inherently anti-sex.

Traditional Christianity is actually saying something much more interesting:

Sex is good, but it belongs within a particular moral framework.

The disagreement is about what that framework should be.

What about fantasies?

This is another area where Christians disagree.

Jesus’ teaching about lust in Matthew 5:28 has traditionally been interpreted as an important warning about the internal life of desire.

Catholic teaching, for example, places considerable emphasis on purity of heart, self-mastery and the intention behind sexual desire. (Vatican⁠)

But having a sexual thought isn’t necessarily the same thing as acting upon it.

Human beings have imaginations, we have fantasies, we have curiosity, we have desires that sometimes surprise us.

And perhaps the healthier question isn’t:

“Did I have a sexual thought?”

but:

“What do I choose to do with it?”

There is a world of difference between having a fantasy and exploiting another person. There is a difference between imagination and coercion. There is a difference between two consenting adults exploring their sexuality and somebody being pressured into something they don’t want and those distinctions matter.

What about being sexually adventurous within marriage?

Again, Christians disagree.

Some traditions impose considerably more restrictions on sexual behaviour than others.

Catholic teaching, for example, connects marital sexuality with both its unitive and procreative dimensions and places significant limits around what it considers morally permissible. (Vatican⁠)

Other Christians place greater emphasis on mutual consent, love, fidelity, conscience and the absence of harm.

So I don’t think it is fair to say:

“Christian sex must be vanilla.”

Nor is it fair to say:

“Anything goes because you’re married.”

There are Christians on both sides of that conversation.

..and that’s okay. People are allowed to interpret their faith differently. Everything is always down to those two consenting adults.

Catholicism, Protestantism and the importance of context

This is why I think we have to be careful whenever somebody says:

“Christians believe…”

Which Christians?

The Catholic Church has an authoritative Catechism and a very developed theology of sexuality, chastity and marriage.

Protestant Christianity is much more decentralised.

The Church of England is currently continuing its work on relationships, sexuality and gender following the Living in Love and Faith process.

The Methodist Church has also developed its understanding of marriage and relationships over recent years, explicitly acknowledging different understandings within the Church. Its guidance on relationships has described good relationships in terms including commitment, care and mutuality, while recognising that Christians can hold differing convictions. (The Methodist Church⁠)

That doesn’t mean every Protestant church agrees with every other Protestant church.

Quite the opposite and I think that’s worth celebrating rather than fearing.

What about other cultures and religions?

Christianity isn’t the only religion to have a strong sexual ethic.

Islam places significant emphasis on sex within marriage and discourages premarital sexual relationships.

Judaism has its own rich and varied traditions concerning marriage, intimacy and sexual ethics.

Hindu traditions are diverse, with different philosophical and cultural approaches to sexuality, marriage and desire.

Plus secular societies increasingly tend to frame sexual ethics around consent, autonomy, equality, safety and responsibility rather than religious prohibition.

There isn’t one global human consensus about sex.

There never has been.

Cultures develop different answers because sex sits at the intersection of biology, reproduction, family, religion, morality, identity and social organisation.

So perhaps the question isn’t:

“Which culture has the one perfect answer?”

Perhaps the question is:

“What values do we want our sexual relationships to embody?”

What does modern science tell us?

Science can’t tell us whether God considers premarital sex sinful.

That’s a theological question. However science can tell us about sexual health, relationships and the consequences of different forms of education.

The World Health Organization’s current guidance supports comprehensive sexuality education that includes relationships, consent, bodily autonomy, contraception, pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. It says high-quality comprehensive sexuality education can delay sexual initiation and reduce sexual risk-taking while increasing contraceptive use. It also states that abstinence-only programmes are ineffective at preventing early sexual activity and risk-taking. (World Health Organization⁠)

That doesn’t mean Christians shouldn’t teach abstinence.

If a Christian believes abstinence is part of their faith, they should be free to teach and practise it, but education and personal conviction are two different things.

We can teach young people:

“You don’t have to have sex.”

while also teaching:

“If you do become sexually active, you need to understand consent, contraception, sexual health, boundaries, emotional consequences and respect.”

That’s not undermining morality, That’s responsibility.

Does having sex before marriage make you less of a Christian?

This is perhaps the question underneath all of this.

And I would say:

It depends upon what you mean by “less of a Christian.”

If somebody belongs to a Christian tradition that teaches premarital sex is sinful, then having sex outside marriage would be considered contrary to that teaching.

We shouldn’t pretend otherwise.

But does one sexual decision erase somebody’s faith?

Does it mean they no longer love God?

Does it mean they are incapable of being kind?

Does it mean they cannot repent?

Does it mean they are morally inferior to somebody who has never had sex?

I don’t think we can reduce Christianity to a sexual purity scoreboard.

What actually makes somebody a good person?

This is where I keep coming back to character.

You can be sexually inexperienced and still be cruel.

You can be sexually experienced and incredibly compassionate.

You can be religious and unfaithful.

You can be non-religious and deeply committed.

You can be married and betray somebody.

You can be unmarried and treat someone with extraordinary care.

Sexual history tells us something about a person.

But it doesn’t tell us everything.

And certainly not their worth.

Maybe kindness is the missing piece

Perhaps this is the part I most want to emphasise.

Whether you’re Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, atheist, agnostic or anything else, kindness should matter in our sexual relationships.

If you know somebody is vulnerable, be careful with them.

If you know they are developing feelings, don’t deliberately exploit that.

If you know you’re not available for a relationship, be honest.

If you change your mind, communicate.

If you make a mistake, own it….

If you hurt somebody, don’t hide behind technicalities.

and if somebody hurts you, remember that their behaviour doesn’t determine your worth.

That, to me, feels deeply compatible with Christianity.

Because Christianity is not simply about rules.

It is about how we love one another.

Love, sex and the reality of compatibility

I don’t believe that sex should be treated as the most important part of a relationship, but I also don’t believe we should pretend it doesn’t matter.

For some people, physical intimacy is a central expression of love. For others, it is less important. Neither person is necessarily wrong.

The challenge comes when two people have fundamentally different needs and neither feels able to talk about them. That is where communication becomes so important.

Perhaps we need to teach people that sexual compatibility isn’t about finding somebody who performs perfectly. It is about finding somebody with whom you can communicate.

Somebody who listens, Somebody who respects boundaries, Somebody who can tell you what they like without humiliating you for what you like. Somebody who can hear “no” without taking it personally, Somebody who can say “I don’t know” without feeling ashamed.

And somebody who can say:

“Let’s work this out together.”

Would I abstain from sex until marriage?

Personally?

No.

Not at this stage of my life. I’m 43. I’m an adult woman. I understand my values. I understand consequences. I take responsibility for my choices and I don’t think being Christian means I have to hand over my entire decision-making process to somebody else’s interpretation of Scripture.

That doesn’t mean I have no boundaries.

Quite the opposite.

There are things I would only explore with somebody I deeply trusted. There are things I would only do within a secure, committed relationship. There are things I would say no to regardless of how much I loved somebody and there are things I might say yes to because they felt right for me and the person I was with.

Those decisions would be mine.

And I Kerry, would take responsibility for them.

Perhaps that is what being liberated actually means

Being sexually liberated doesn’t have to mean:

“I will sleep with anybody and do anything.”

It can mean:

“I know myself.”

“I know my boundaries.”

“I know my values.”

“I can make an informed decision.”

“I can say yes without shame.”

“I can say no without guilt.”

“I can change my mind.”

“I can take responsibility for the consequences of my choices.”

And perhaps most importantly:

“I can respect somebody else’s humanity while still honouring my own.”

That’s a very different definition of sexual liberation.

So, is the Bible a bedroom rule book?

Maybe that’s the question we should leave ourselves with, because I don’t think Christianity needs to be afraid of conversations about sex.

I don’t think Christians need to be embarrassed about having sexual desires. I don’t think having fantasies automatically makes somebody dirty. I don’t think a person’s sexual history determines their spiritual worth and I don’t think sexual liberation automatically means moral recklessness.

But equally, I don’t think we should dismiss the traditional Christian sexual ethic as old-fashioned nonsense.

There is something profoundly valuable in the Christian insistence on fidelity, commitment, self-control, responsibility and the dignity of another person.

Those are values I can get behind.

The question is whether those values necessarily require exactly the same sexual rules for every Christian and I don’t think we can answer that honestly without acknowledging that Christians themselves disagree.

Maybe there isn’t one answer

Some Christians will wait until marriage.

Some won’t.

Some will believe sex outside marriage is sinful.

Some will believe that committed, loving relationships can have a moral sexual foundation even without marriage.

Some Christians will have very traditional sexual boundaries.

Others will be much more adventurous.

Some will have no problem with fantasies.

Others will feel uncomfortable with them.

Some will believe that particular sexual practices are wrong.

Others will believe that between consenting adults in a committed relationship, those decisions belong to the couple.

And I think we can disagree.

Actually, I think we should be able to disagree.

Because faith is personal.

Morality is personal.

Values are personal.

And ultimately, each of us has to live with our own decisions.

The Christian sex debate nobody wants to have

Perhaps the question isn’t:

“Are Christians allowed to have sex?”

Perhaps it’s:

“What makes sex loving?”

Is it marriage?

Is it commitment?

Is it consent?

Is it fidelity?

Is it responsibility?

Is it emotional safety?

Is it all of those things?

And perhaps the answer isn’t exactly the same for everyone. I can respect the Christian who chooses abstinence. I can respect the Christian who believes deeply that sex belongs within marriage and I can also respect the Christian who has wrestled with Scripture, thought deeply about their faith and reached a different conclusion.

What I don’t think we need is shame.

What I don’t think we need is judgement.

And what I definitely don’t think we need is the idea that somebody’s sexual choices automatically tell us whether they are a “good” or “bad” Christian.

Because perhaps the more important question is not simply what happened in the bedroom.

Perhaps it’s what happened between two human beings.

Was there honesty?

Was there kindness?

Was there respect?

Was there consent?

Was there responsibility?

Was there care?

Was there love?

Those questions matter to me.

Perhaps they should matter to all of us, regardless of what we believe happens after we die because if Christianity teaches us anything, surely one of the most important lessons is this:

We are responsible for how we love one another.

Perhaps that’s where sex, faith and morality meet.

Not in a perfect bedroom.

Not in a list of rules.

Not in shame.

But in love, responsibility, kindness and the choices we make when another human being has trusted us with something vulnerable.

Late Autism diagnosis in Women; Why Autistic women are so often misdiagnosed

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

I was speaking to a psychiatrist today, and it got me thinking about how many women reach their 30s and 40s before anyone realises they are autistic.

For decades, their difficulties may have been labelled as anxiety.

Depression, PTSD, being “too sensitive”, Being “overly emotional”, Being difficult, being unable to cope and sometimes, they are simply given antidepressants and sent on their way.

“Why is everything so overwhelming?”

Not just:

“Are you anxious?”

But:

“What has your relationship with the world, people and change always been like?”

Not just:

“Why can’t you move on from this relationship?”

But:

“What exactly is your brain trying to process about what happened?”

Because sometimes the woman who has spent her entire life wondering why she finds everything so much harder than everybody else isn’t broken.

She isn’t lazy, she isn’t dramatic, she isn’t anxious, she isn’t a recluse and She isn’t too sensitive.

She may simply have spent decades trying to navigate a world that wasn’t designed around the way her brain works and for some women, an autism diagnosis in their 30s or 40s isn’t discovering something new.

It’s finally being given an explanation for a lifetime of things that never quite made sense, and a final chance to understand their selves as a whole. 

For me personally, getting my own diagnosis was a long and difficult process. For a long time, I had essentially been written off as ADHD, but I always felt that there were parts of me that didn’t quite fit that explanation. I felt that so many of my traits were much more aligned with autism, but getting someone to actually look at the bigger picture wasn’t straightforward. 

There were several assessments, a lot of questioning and a lot of trying to make sense of things I’d experienced throughout my life. Then, finally, I got my autism diagnosis, and I cried, because these two Doctors understood everything and said what I was experiencing was just ‘My way’ and that I had been putting up a fight all my life, to conform to a Neurotypical world. 

What surprised me most wasn’t just receiving the diagnosis itself, but how much my understanding of autism changed afterwards. I had always associated the word “autism” with disability and, if I’m completely honest, I had my own stigma around it. It wasn’t until my son was diagnosed that I started looking at autism differently and becoming much more accepting of it. 

Then, when I began to understand my own autism, I started seeing the benefits too. I started understanding that my brain isn’t wrong , it simply works differently. It helped me look back at my life and understand why I’ve always been different, why I’ve always been quirky, why I’ve always had this intensity to me, why I experience emotions so deeply and why certain things that seem completely ordinary to other people can feel overwhelming to me. 

I realised why so many past lovers, had always said I become utterly fixated in the bedroom, ‘I apparently get a look in my eyes and I don’t focus on how I look, or bull shit, I’m just completely in the Sex Zone’, and this is actually down to Monotropism, where Autistic attention can become extremely  concentrated on one thing. In an intimate situation, that intense focus can mean you’re completely in the experience, rather than simultaneously thinking about how you’re appearing, what you should be doing next, or what your partner thing, and it’s one of the only times an autistic brain can be silenced, and become quiet because the intensity in sex in which you’re engaged in becomes the only thing your senses want. 

Now Monotropism doesn’t mean every Autistic woman is passionate or sexually responsive, but emotional responses, intense attraction, becoming absorbed, fixations and experiences sensory experiences different, is a high of intensity, and many of the Neurotypical people you’re Intimate with can be totally mind blown or on the other hand often intimidated.

So, whilst this doesn’t mean Autistic women can be better in bed, it just means, autistic women can experience intimacy, attraction and sensory experiences more intensely.

With my diagnosis, it even made me reconsider things people have said to me throughout my life. My child’s father, for example, would often tell me that I “lead with emotion and not logic.” Friends have said things to me that I don’t necessarily believe they intended to be hurtful, but I couldn’t understand why they were saying them because I genuinely assumed that people thought in the same way I did. I couldn’t comprehend why they couldn’t see things the way I could, just as they couldn’t comprehend why I saw things so differently. 

I think that’s one of the biggest misunderstandings between neurotypical and neurodivergent people: we can look at the same situation through completely different neurological lenses and assume the other person is simply being difficult, irrational, intense or weird. They’re not necessarily being any of those things. Their brain may simply be processing the world differently. My diagnosis has given me a completely different way of understanding myself. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” I’m learning to ask, “Why does my brain work this way?” And that shift has been enormous for me.

But what if we started looking at the whole picture?

What if we asked questions about how that woman has actually experienced life from childhood onwards?

Did she always prefer having one really close friend, rather than a big group?

Did having one person she trusted make friendships feel much easier?

Did she always prefer staying at home rather than going out?

Did social situations exhaust her, even when she seemed perfectly capable of handling them?

Did she become overwhelmed incredibly easily?

Did she struggle when plans changed?

Did she retreat from the world when everything became too much?

Did she spend enormous amounts of time thinking about decisions, analysing every possible outcome and then struggle to actually make the decision?

Did she have intense interests or become completely absorbed in particular subjects?

Did she repeatedly buy books, research things obsessively or become fixated on a new interest?

Did she experience a profound sense of injustice when something felt unfair?

And perhaps most interestingly…

Did she struggle to let go of people, situations or relationships that she felt had treated her unfairly? Because.. stop the press, this is something I think deserves far more understanding and discussing!!

There are women who become completely consumed by an ex-partner, a baby father, a friendship breakdown or a relationship that ended years ago, for what seems like most of their lives…

And their friends might say:

“Why are you still talking about him?”

“You need to let it go.”

“He’s moved on. Why haven’t you?”

But sometimes it isn’t simply that the woman is “hung up” on somebody.

There can also be a difference in how an autistic woman processes the ending of a relationship. If someone sits down with her, explains clearly that they don’t want to continue the relationship, gives her a reason and there is some sense of closure, she may actually be able to accept it, even if it hurts deeply. But when somebody suddenly disappears, ends things without explanation, changes their behaviour overnight, cheats or leaves her with unanswered questions, it can be much harder to process. The brain can get stuck on the why. What happened? What changed? What did I miss? Why wasn’t I told? Why wasn’t I given the opportunity to understand? And that unresolved sense of injustice or lack of closure can become something she keeps returning to. It isn’t necessarily that she wants the person back, it can be that she simply cannot make sense of what happened. 

For some autistic women, when something doesn’t have a logical ending, the mind can keep trying to solve it long after the relationship itself has ended. Sometimes there is a combination of fixation, emotional intensity, difficulty processing an unresolved situation and a powerful sense of injustice.

If something doesn’t make sense to her, if she believes she has been treated unfairly, or if there are unanswered questions, her brain may continue returning to it.

Not because she necessarily wants the person back. Not because she is deliberately dwelling on it, but because her brain hasn’t reached a sense of resolution and this is where autism can sometimes be misunderstood. 

That doesn’t mean every woman who struggles to move on from an ex is autistic. It doesn’t mean every woman with anxiety is autistic. It doesn’t mean every woman who stays at home, overthinks, feels overwhelmed or experiences relationship difficulties is autistic.

But there is a growing recognition that autistic women can present very differently from the stereotypical picture of autism , particularly women who have spent their lives masking, adapting and trying desperately to appear as though everything is fine.

They can become incredibly good at functioning.

Until they aren’t.

They can hold everything together until the demands of life become too much.

Then they may experience burnout, shutdown, anxiety, depression or what looks like an inability to cope.

And because the autism underneath it hasn’t been recognised, the treatment focuses on the symptoms rather than understanding the underlying reason for them. So, they get fed anti-depressants, higher dose, after higher dose, this tablet, that tablet, and still they feel the same… 

So perhaps we need to start asking different questions.

Not just:

“Are you depressed?”

But:

“Why is everything so overwhelming?”

Not just:

“Are you anxious?”

But:

“What has your relationship with the world, people and change always been like?”

Not just:

“Why can’t you move on from this relationship?”

But:

“What exactly is your brain trying to process about what happened?”

Because sometimes the woman who has spent her entire life wondering why she finds everything so much harder than everybody else isn’t broken.

She isn’t lazy.

She isn’t dramatic.

She isn’t too sensitive.

She may simply have spent decades trying to navigate a world that wasn’t designed around the way her brain works.

For some autistic women, social situations can involve a constant awareness of social conformity and how they are being perceived. A woman might be walking into the playground to pick up her child while her mind is already running through a hundred questions: 

Do I fit in here?

Does that mum like me?

Have I said something wrong?

Why aren’t they talking to me?

Do they think I’m strange? 

She might walk into a Pilates class and instinctively choose a place at the back, not because she doesn’t want to participate, but because she isn’t sure how she will be received or whether she might embarrass herself. This constant monitoring can make ordinary social situations exhausting. 

There can also be a tendency to analyse relationships and social dynamics very deeply, noticing changes in people’s tone, behaviour or body language and trying to work out what they mean. Forming friendships can also be different. Rather than wanting a large social circle, some autistic women may feel much more comfortable with one or two deep, trusted friendships where there is less need to constantly work out the rules of the group. Learning to step back from social conformity can sometimes help: instead of asking “Do these people like me?”, it can be more useful to ask “What do these people actually bring to my life, and how relevant are their opinions to me?” That shift doesn’t necessarily remove social awareness , autistic women can be extremely perceptive about other people, however it can help separate noticing someone’s reaction from feeling responsible for it. Someone else’s opinion doesn’t have to determine how a woman feels about herself, and she doesn’t have to change who she is simply to fit into a social environment. I learned long ago to look at people and think ‘What fucking joy do you bring to my lovely life’ – and most of the time it was Fuck all!! So what relevance do these people have, does it even matter if they like you or not, their judgement is on them, and not you. You be you, and realise you don’t need everyone to like you in this life, you are beautiful and just wired differently.

And for some women, an autism diagnosis in their 30s or 40s isn’t discovering something new.

It’s finally being given an explanation for a lifetime of things that never quite made sense.

The Evolution of a Woman: Redefining success in 2026

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There is something incredibly powerful about walking into a room full of women who genuinely want to see one another succeed.

As I sat surrounded by other female entrepreneurs, business owners, professionals and creatives at a networking event yesterday, I found myself reflecting on just how much the world has changed. The conversations weren’t about competing with one another. They weren’t about who earned the most money, who drove the nicest car or who carried the newest designer handbag. Instead, they were about sharing ideas, opening doors, celebrating achievements and encouraging one another to take the next step.

It made me wonder whether we’ve quietly witnessed one of the biggest social shifts in modern history.

Forty years ago, the opportunities available to women looked very different. Whilst there have always been remarkable women who challenged expectations, many still grew up believing that security came from finding the right partner rather than creating opportunities for themselves. Financial independence was harder to achieve, business ownership was less common for women than it is today, and the expectation that men would be the primary breadwinner remained deeply rooted in society.

Those expectations didn’t appear overnight. For thousands of years, human societies evolved around different roles within families and communities. In many cultures, men often undertook physically demanding tasks such as hunting, protection and resource acquisition, while women played vital roles in raising children, gathering food, maintaining communities and creating the social bonds that allowed families to survive. Modern anthropology reminds us that these roles were often far more flexible than popular myths suggest, but they shaped expectations that lasted for generations.


One of the most fascinating things about psychology is that whilst our brains evolved in environments that looked very different from today’s world, they continue to adapt to the society we live in. For generations, survival often depended upon clear family roles, with security coming from stability and cooperation within small communities. Today, many women find themselves navigating entirely different expectations. We’re encouraged to build careers, raise children, nurture relationships, care for ageing parents, maintain friendships, prioritise our wellbeing and somehow succeed in every area simultaneously. It’s hardly surprising that so many women feel mentally exhausted. Modern psychology reminds us that whilst our opportunities have expanded dramatically, our brains are still learning how to navigate a world that asks us to wear so many different hats.

Fast forward to today and the picture is changing at an extraordinary pace.

Across the UK and around the world, women have been founding businesses, leading organisations, entering industries that were once dominated by men and creating financial independence on their own terms. Female entrepreneurship continues to grow, more women than ever are pursuing higher education, and increasing numbers are balancing careers, business ownership and motherhood simultaneously. Progress hasn’t removed every barrier, but it has undoubtedly expanded the possibilities available to women.

When I look around a room full of women in business at networking events, I don’t just see accountants, consultants, scientists, creatives, therapists or entrepreneurs.

I see courage.

I see women taking risks that previous generations often couldn’t.

I see women rebuilding after divorce, changing careers in their forties, launching businesses whilst raising children, studying for degrees at night and refusing to believe that one chapter of life should define the rest of it.

Perhaps that’s why these rooms feel different, they aren’t built on competition, they’re built on possibility.

I Sometimes I wonder what the women who fought for equal opportunities would think if they walked into a room like this today. A room filled with female entrepreneurs, business owners, professionals and leaders, openly sharing ideas, encouraging one another and building opportunities together. I suspect many would feel proud. Not because the journey is complete, but because each generation of women has continued to build upon the progress of those who came before them.

Before we talk about success today, it’s worth remembering how extraordinary the journey of women has been. My grandmother’s generation lived in a world with very different expectations. My mother’s generation pushed against many of those boundaries. My generation was raised believing we could have it all, Careers, Businesses, Families, Financial independence, Freedom. Yet with every new opportunity came new expectations, and perhaps that’s one of the greatest paradoxes of modern womanhood. We’ve gained choices our grandmothers could only dream of, but we’ve also inherited pressures they never experienced.

The twentieth century changed everything. Women won the right to vote, entered universities in greater numbers, broke into professions once closed to them and gradually moved into leadership positions across business, politics, science and the arts. Women such as Rosa Parks, Margaret Thatcher, Marie Curie, Maya Angelou, Oprah Winfrey, Anita Roddick and Sara Blakely each challenged expectations in different ways. Whether or not we agree with every decision they made, they demonstrated something powerful: that women could shape industries, influence societies and redefine leadership on their own terms. Every generation has built another step in the staircase the next generation climbs.

When I think about my own journey, I realise that success has worn many different faces.

At thirty years old, I thought I’d achieved everything I’d ever wanted.

I’d built my own house from the ground up, my own design and dream. I had a six figure income. There was a brand new Range Rover on the drive and I’d bought my then husband a brand new Audi. My wardrobe was filled with designer labels, from Christian Louboutin to Jimmy Choo, and from the outside looking in, life appeared exactly as I’d imagined success would look.

At that age, I was incredibly proud of what I’d achieved, and I still am. No one can ever take away the fact that I built those businesses, took those risks or created that life.

Those achievements are part of my story.

But if I’m completely honest…

I wasn’t happy.

Looking back now, I can see that I had become consumed by achievement. Every milestone simply led to another target. Every success became another expectation. I measured progress by numbers, possessions and productivity because that was the language I’d learnt success was supposed to speak.

Positive psychology has transformed the way we understand success. For many years, researchers assumed that achievement, income and status naturally led to happiness. Yet decades of research suggest something far more interesting. Once our basic financial needs are met, lasting wellbeing is influenced far more by purpose, meaningful relationships, autonomy and a sense of belonging than by accumulating more possessions. Looking back, I can clearly see that I was chasing external measures of success because I believed they would eventually make me feel fulfilled. What I didn’t realise was that fulfilment isn’t something we buy; it’s something we build through the life we create and the people we choose to become.

I was constantly chasing.

Constantly working.

Constantly thinking about the next goal.

At the time, I didn’t know any different.

Business wasn’t simply something I did; it had become who I was.

Years later, I would begin to understand something that psychology has explored for decades. Whilst financial security matters enormously, particularly when our basic needs are being met, lasting wellbeing tends to come from something much deeper than status or possessions. Research consistently shows that purpose, meaningful relationships, autonomy and a sense of belonging contribute far more to long term happiness than material success alone.

I didn’t know that at thirty, I just knew how to work and work I did.

People often asked me why I continued working for other companies whilst running several businesses of my own. The answer was simple. I wanted financial freedom. I wanted choices. I wanted to build something that nobody could ever take away from me.

As a woman, and later as a single mother, that independence mattered.

It still does.

Last year someone I dated suggested that I should give up my businesses, let go of my studies and find what he described as a “hobby job.” His view was that he would provide financially and that no wife of his would need to work. I’m sure those words were spoken from his own beliefs about relationships rather than with any intention to offend.

But they landed very differently.

For someone who had spent over two decades building businesses, taking risks, succeeding, failing, starting again and creating opportunities for herself, it wasn’t romantic.

It felt like someone was asking me to give away a part of my identity.

Not because I believe every woman should own a business.

Not because I think everyone should prioritise work.

But because every woman deserves the freedom to choose the life she wants to build.

That, to me, is what empowerment really means.

It’s not about earning more than somebody else.

It’s not about proving anything.

It’s about having choices.

Looking back now, I often describe the biggest change in my life as a shift in my energy. Some people might call it moving from a lower frequency to a higher frequency. Others might describe it as growing emotionally, becoming more secure or simply discovering what truly matters. Whatever language you choose, the change was profound. I stopped asking, “How do I look successful?” and started asking, “What kind of life actually feels meaningful?”

That single question changed everything.


If somebody had told the thirty year old version of me that one day I’d happily swap designer shoes for a pair from Primark, I’d probably have laughed. Not because there is anything wrong with either, but because my priorities were completely different.

Back then, success was something I could see. It was measured in cars, salaries, business growth and the life I had built around me. Today, success is something I feel. Somewhere along the journey, my perspective changed.

Perhaps it was becoming a mother.

Perhaps it was experiencing burnout.

Perhaps it was losing everything I once believed defined me.

Or perhaps growth simply has a way of stripping away everything that isn’t truly important.

The truth is, I no longer care about impressing anyone.

That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being ambitious. If anything, I’m more ambitious than I’ve ever been. The difference is that my ambition now has purpose behind it. I no longer work to prove my worth. I work to create a life that aligns with my values.

For years, people would often say to me, “You’re crazy.” Looking back, they probably weren’t wrong.

There was a period when I left my childs father with nothing but a spare bed and two seater sofa, where I worked a full time job whilst running multiple businesses at the same time. I was determined to create financial security, buy my own home and build a future that nobody could take away from me. I genuinely believed that if I just worked a little harder, slept a little less and pushed myself a little further, everything would eventually fall into place.

What I didn’t understand was that there is always a price to pay when we live as though we’re machines instead of human beings. Eventually, my body made the decision that my mind refused to make. I burnt out, I had been awake at 5am every day and not going to bed till midnight, trying to juggle a corporate role and run my own businesses, and this was not just Monday to Friday, it was every day for nearly two years. My weight dropped dramatically, my health deteriorated and I fell unwell both physically and mentally, perhaps hardest of all, I realised my son wasn’t getting the best version of me. That was the wake up call I needed

Modern psychology tells us that today’s women are often carrying an invisible mental load. Beyond paid work, many continue to organise family life, manage relationships, remember birthdays, arrange appointments, plan meals and carry the emotional wellbeing of those around them. Researchers describe this as cognitive and emotional labour, and whilst it often goes unnoticed, it consumes enormous mental energy. Perhaps it’s no surprise that so many capable women find themselves exhausted. We aren’t simply doing more than previous generations; we’re often expected to be exceptional in every area of life at once.

No business, no salary and no ambition is worth sacrificing the moments you can never get back. I was missing his little life. However as any single parent knows, to afford household bills and nursery bills, you need two salaries and even then it’s not enough.

That doesn’t mean I regret those years.

Far from it.

Those years taught me resilience. They taught me discipline. They taught me how to solve problems, how to manage people, how to build businesses and how to recover when things didn’t go to plan.

Some of my businesses flourished. Others didn’t.

One of the hardest decisions I ever made was closing my e-commerce business. It wasn’t simply a business. It represented years of hard work, creativity and relationships with incredible people. I had the privilege of working alongside talented staff, models and videographers who poured their own passion into making it successful.

Closing that chapter wasn’t failure.

It was recognising that life had changed, and so had I, moving towards and over the 40 mark changed me, I finally felt grounded.

One lesson entrepreneurship teaches you very quickly is that success isn’t always about holding on. Sometimes it’s about knowing when to let go so that you can create space for something new.

That’s exactly what I chose to do.

To the frustration of my accountant, who had looked after me for many years, I made another decision that surprised people.

I chose education over income. On paper, it probably didn’t make sense to others, Why walk away from businesses that were generating money to study in your forties?

Because, for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t making decisions based purely on financial return.

I was making decisions based on purpose, on fulfilment, with my heart.

Like many people, I’d spent years trying to work out where I truly belonged. I enjoyed recruitment. I enjoyed sales. I loved building businesses. I competed against others and myself and it gave me that reward and chase that had felt at the time so satisfying, yet every role taught me something valuable. But none of them quite answered the question I’d been asking myself for years.

“What work makes me feel most alive?”

Studying relationship psychology, coaching and therapeutic approaches finally gave me that answer.

For the first time, I wasn’t simply building businesses. I was building a career that reflected who I was becoming and deep down I think I was recognising who I had always been…

That shift changed everything. It also changed the way I looked at money. When I was younger, I thought wealth was measured by what I owned.

Now, wealth looks very different.

It’s sitting on a beach in California watching my little boy laugh as the waves crash onto the shore.

It’s collecting memories instead of possessions, It’s having dinner with friends and people who inspire me. It’s being able to choose work that feels meaningful rather than simply profitable.

It’s having enough, rather than constantly chasing more.

Don’t misunderstand me, Financial independence still matters enormously to me. I’ve worked too hard to pretend otherwise.

As a single mother, I understand exactly what it means to carry responsibility. Bills don’t disappear because you’ve decided to become more spiritual. Mortgages don’t pay themselves because you’ve embraced mindfulness. Financial security creates freedom, and freedom creates choice.

That’s one of the reasons I still take on additional work when opportunities arise, not because I’m chasing status, but because responsibility matters.

People often forget that behind every business are human beings. When you employ people, you’re not simply paying wages. You’re helping someone pay their rent. You’re helping another family cover their mortgage. You’re contributing towards school uniforms, holidays, food shopping and futures.

That responsibility never leaves you.

If taking on another project means protecting somebody else’s livelihood, I’ll do it every time, and that’s a dedication I make to the women I employ, when the business dips, I feel the weight and I work my ass off to ensure I don’t have to disappoint or let people down.

I’ve realised that leadership isn’t about standing in front.

It’s about standing behind people when they need you most.

Motherhood has reinforced that lesson more than anything else.

Today, when I budget, I don’t see limitation. I see intention. I don’t feel deprived because I choose high street over designer labels.

I feel grateful that I can spend that money taking my son travelling, introducing him to different cultures and creating memories that neither of us will ever forget.

Ironically, I feel wealthier now than I did when I owned far more, because peace has become my greatest luxury and that’s something money alone could never buy.

The Women We Are Becoming

As I looked around the room at the networking event, I found myself smiling.

Not because every woman there had the same story, but because every woman there had a different one.

Some were just starting their first business. Others had built companies over decades. Some were returning to work after raising children. Others were changing careers in their forties or fifties. Some were leading teams, while others were taking the terrifying first step towards becoming self-employed.

Every journey was different.

Yet there was one thing that connected us all.

Courage.

For all the conversations about women supporting women, it was refreshing to experience it rather than simply read about it. There was no sense of competition. Nobody was trying to prove they were the most successful person in the room. Conversations flowed naturally, advice was shared generously and introductions were made without expecting anything in return.

That, to me, is what real networking should look like.

It’s not about collecting business cards.

It’s about building relationships.

Perhaps that’s why rooms full of supportive women feel so different. Psychology has consistently shown that human beings thrive when they experience connection, encouragement and psychological safety. We become more creative when we don’t fear judgement, more resilient when we feel supported and more confident when someone believes in us before we fully believe in ourselves. Maybe that’s why women supporting women is so much more than a slogan. It isn’t simply good for business; it’s good for our wellbeing, our confidence and, ultimately, for the next generation of women watching us.

Psychologists have long understood that human beings thrive through connection. We are wired to belong. Supportive relationships improve resilience, reduce stress and even encourage us to take opportunities we might never have taken alone. Behind almost every successful entrepreneur is a network of people who believed in them, challenged them or simply reminded them to keep going on the difficult days.

Perhaps that’s why these rooms feel so energising. When people celebrate one another instead of competing, something changes.

Ideas grow.

Confidence grows.

People grow.

Perhaps another fascinating shift is what we’re learning about the diversity of women’s minds. In recent years, thousands of women have received diagnoses of ADHD and autism later in life after decades of being overlooked. It raises an interesting question. Are women’s brains changing, or are we finally beginning to understand them properly? The evidence suggests the latter, but it reminds us that our understanding of women continues to evolve. Every decade seems to uncover something previous generations simply didn’t recognise.

Looking back over the last twenty one years of running businesses, I can honestly say there isn’t one perfect path to success.

I’ve made brilliant decisions, I’ve made expensive mistakes, I’ve started businesses, I’ve closed businesses, I’ve changed direction more than once.

I’ve taken risks that paid off beyond my expectations, and I’ve taken others that taught me lessons no textbook ever could.

Would I change any of it?

No, because every success and every setback has brought me to where I am today.

People sometimes describe me as a “jack of all trades.” Years ago, I wasn’t always sure whether that was meant as a compliment.

Today, I wear it with pride.

Every industry I’ve worked in has taught me something about people. Every business has taught me resilience. Every role has developed skills that I now carry into the next chapter of my life.

There is no such thing as wasted experience. Only experience we haven’t yet understood the value of.

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learnt is that success is never a straight line. Life doesn’t move neatly from one achievement to the next. Sometimes we have to step backwards before we can move forwards. Sometimes we close a business to discover a calling. Sometimes we leave a career we’ve spent years building because we’ve finally found one that feels like home. Sometimes we lose everything we thought defined us, only to realise that our greatest strength was never what we owned.

It was who we became while building it. That’s why nobody can ever take away what I achieved at thirty.

Yes, the house is gone. The cars are gone. The designer wardrobe has long since lost its importance.

But nobody can erase the determination, courage and resilience it took to build that life in the first place.

Those qualities are still mine and if I built it once, I know I can build again.

The difference is this time, I may have a smaller house, and a cheaper car, but the house is mine, and its my home, my little boys home, and I brought it. 

I’m no longer chasing success because I want people to admire it. I’m building a life my son can learn from. I want him to grow up understanding that success isn’t about what somebody owns.

It’s about how they treat people.

It’s about integrity.

It’s about showing kindness when nobody is watching.

It’s about having the courage to keep going when life doesn’t unfold as planned.

He’s already beginning to understand that.

If he wants something, he earns it.

If he wants a new toy, he helps around the house.

If we travel, he understands that those experiences come from hard work, planning and sacrifice.

They’re not things to be taken for granted.

They’re things to appreciate.

More than anything, I hope he grows up seeing a mother who wasn’t afraid to start again, because that’s another lesson we don’t talk about enough.

Starting again isn’t failure.

It’s courage.

Women have spent generations proving that they belong in boardrooms, lecture theatres, laboratories, creative industries and businesses of every kind. Today, I believe the conversation is changing again.

It’s no longer simply about proving we belong, It’s about deciding how we want to lead.

Do we lead with ego or empathy?

Do we build businesses that simply generate profit, or businesses that genuinely improve people’s lives?

Do we compete with one another, or do we open doors for the women walking behind us?

For me, the answer has become incredibly simple.

Success means lifting other people as you climb.

It means celebrating another woman’s promotion without questioning your own worth.

It means recommending someone else’s business because you genuinely believe in what they do.

It means recognising that there is enough room for all of us to succeed.

Years ago, I thought life was about reaching the destination. Now I know life is about becoming the person you meet along the way. The woman I am today isn’t the woman I was at thirty.

She’s calmer, She’s kinder to herself, She’s less interested in impressing people and more interested in understanding them.

She still dreams big, She still works hard, She still believes in building businesses and creating financial independence but she also knows that the richest life isn’t measured by numbers on a bank statement. It’s measured by the conversations that change us.

The friendships that sustain us, The work that gives us purpose, The memories we create with the people we love.

Perhaps this is the real evolution of women. It isn’t simply that we can vote, own businesses or build careers, important as those milestones are. It’s that more women are beginning to define success for themselves. Success no longer has to mean following a script written by society, family or tradition. It can mean building a business, raising children, travelling the world, changing careers at forty, returning to university, or simply creating a life that feels authentic. That freedom to choose may be one of the greatest achievements of all.

As women, we’ve come further than many of our grandmothers could ever have imagined. We still have challenges to overcome, inequalities to address and barriers to break, but we’ve also created opportunities that previous generations fought hard for us to have.

That deserves celebrating.

So, here’s to the women who dare to start businesses.

To the women changing careers in their forties.

To the women rebuilding after divorce.

To the women raising children whilst studying for degrees.

To the women quietly carrying responsibilities that nobody else ever sees.

To the women taking risks.

To the women starting again.

And to every woman who has ever looked in the mirror and wondered whether she was capable of more.

You are.

You always were.

Sometimes, you simply need another woman to remind you.