Why do men sexualise women – Even when we cover up, even when we say no, even when we swear we are off dating? I dive into the truth being objectification, biology and culture, and why real love can only truly begin with respect and a natural alignment.

All about being seen, mis-seen, and owning your story!

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I’ve experienced the world as a woman: how I’ve been seen, how I feel used, how I feel sexualised. It’s a weird mixture of vulnerability, strength, frustration, even anger.

This is me writing to carry that girlhood, to bear witness to it, to ask the hard questions: why do men, regardless of religion, background, race, so often treat women as sexual objects? And why, as women, do we sometimes allow it? How much of this is about biology, how much about culture, how much about power? And what happens when your own history (for me: childhood sexual abuse) means you’ve always felt marked, always felt like the woman people want for one thing, but not for more.

My story (just enough)

I grew up feeling a certain constant, the sense that I was always the woman people saw in a certain way. Even when I didn’t want to be seen in that way. As a young girl, as I discovered my body, my femininity, my style and body, I realised other people were looking, not just looking, but categorising. The “one-night-stand” woman, the affair partner, the glamorous woman who’s fun but not serious, the girl who had brains, but was ‘just a model’. Kerry the model. In all honesty I grew up not knowing any better, my young mind warped… And then I have the memory of abuse. Childhood sexual abuse means your relationship to your own body and your own woman-self is tangled: you know you mattered, you know you were seen, and you know it was wrong. You also know that others’ seeing you has perhaps always been complicated, we personalise even the slightest look, and sit there wondering how that person is judging us.

So when, later, I try to live my womanhood fully, I take care of my appearance, I have long hair, I might get fillers, I choose to be glamorous, and still I’m treated as a sexual object, I post a selfie and often think am I allowed to take pride in how I look, the questions arise: Are we not allowed to be glamorous? To look good? To love our appearance? And why on earth doesn’t that permit us to also be respected as full human beings?

The hard questions

Why do men sexualise women in this way?

There isn’t a single simple answer, but there are strands worth pulling.

Biology & chemistry.

Men and women are different in many ways. One thing that biology offers is that men, on average, have higher levels of testosterone; a hormone often associated with sexual drive. Some argue this means men are more driven sexually, more likely to think with desire, more likely to objectify. But it’s not a justification. Hormones don’t excuse behaviours. And sexualising someone isn’t the same as a healthy sexual interest in someone consenting. Biological impulses are real, but culture, upbringing, self-control and empathy matter hugely.

Mindset, power and culture.

Sexualising a woman often isn’t just about the sexual act. It’s about power. If a man treats a woman as an object, he is seeing her as “other”, reducing her to her body or her sexual availability, not her personhood. Society still carries hierarchies: men are “allowed” to look, to pursue, to demand; women often are taught to tolerate, to receive, to hope for more than the sexual.

Our culture promotes the look-and-be-seen idea: glamorous women get attention. But then that attention becomes entitlement in someone else’s mind. A one-night stand becomes justification: “You looked that way, you must want it, you’re fair game.” The sad fact is, you can decide to sleep with someone quite quickly, however what follows the next week is a whole tornado of ‘self abuse’ – Why did I do that? Are they judging me? Am I cheap? And when women do say no, or want more than the sexual, they’re cast as “difficult”, “cold”, “too high maintenance”. It’s unfair. But it’s real. Men will want you in the moment, but then sadly a lot of guys, especially those who aren’t self aware, will mark you as ‘Not the girlfriend type’, and trust me girls, I won’t sleep with 99% of the guys I date, but because of my look, my strong personality, I still get that ‘Yeah not sure’! In all respect to those I have dated, I have become to recognise when a guy isn’t self aware, and cut my losses, and not pursued, the last few dates I have been on, straight away, I’ve had them figured out, and through my own journey as a coach and therapist training, I feel I have antennas looking for signs straight away. However why should how we look determine how desirable we are in. some circumstances, and I say ‘Some’ because women covering fully in hijabs are still victim…

Why covering up doesn’t always protect you.

You might ask: “If a woman covers up or wears a hijab, why can she still be a victim of sexual violence?” Because the root isn’t always about what she wears, but how the perpetrator sees. If he already views women as objects, or sees her body or vulnerability as a target, then what she wears may shift the context, but not the dynamic.

Here are some reference numbers:

• According to a key charity, more than 1 in 4 women have been raped or sexually assaulted as an adult.  
• For child sexual abuse: about 7.5% of all adults in England & Wales are estimated to have been sexually abused before age 16.  
• As per the Office for National Statistics (ONS) the survey found that for year ending March 2022, 86% of sexual offence victims recorded by police were female; 91% of rape victims recorded were female.  

These aren’t just statistics—they reflect the lived reality of so many of us.

Relationship between men’s drive and women’s responses

There’s an imbalance in how men and women are taught to relate to sex and relationships.

Men’s drive / women’s response.

Men are often socialised to pursue, to conquer, to take. Women are often socialised to be pursued, to respond, to hope. If a man’s sexual drive is given free rein, and his empathy or accountability not sufficiently nurtured, sexualising becomes easy and relationship-building becomes harder.

Women meanwhile may yearn for connection, for being seen beyond the body, for being loved. That yearning, when combined with social messages like “you’ll be alone without a man” or “you’re nothing without love”, can mean we put our heart into new relationships too fast, or we accept less than we deserve.

Swipe-culture, first-date sex, casual affair mentality—all of that can feed the pattern. Women can ask: why are we letting men take advantage? Why do we give our first date, first night, so much of our self-worth? Because we want to be loved, wanted, affirmed. Because we’ve been taught our value includes being desirable. But the flaw is when desirable becomes the only value. Then we are easily used, not honoured. I have tried so many different ‘experiments’ lets call them, with my dating life, and still whatever side of my personality I show, whatever side of my sexuality I show, the result has been the same, and I came to realise through so much research and reading – is that us women take it personally, however this problem isn’t with us, its the men who have changed, and that’s fact.

For instance, every few months I will attempt the apps, and just last week, I started chatting to a couple of people, and wow, the dopamine fix for men having a flavour of the week, was too much for me to handle, because you know a week later, they’ll be swiping again, when you can’t give them the attention they think they deserve (from a stranger, ODD yes), so they swipe, and move on. No-one is really trying to find any depth other than the superficial. Yawn fucking Yawn! Although I will say if they can last a week and still peak my interest and there is a deeper alignment, then hallelujah!

Are we sexualising men more?

Yes, the culture changes. Women now have more public profiles, more sexual agency, more freedom to pursue men or express desire. But the asymmetry remains: when women sexualise men, men are less socially permitted to complain or to be objectified in the same way, fact girls. The power structure is different. So yes, perhaps women are more sexual in their expression now, but we are not (at least not yet) the overseers of objectification. The system still treats women differently, and how can we move away from this, can we???

What about us—the women who say “enough”

You say you’re going to swear to celibacy. That’s powerful. Whether you choose celibacy, choose slower relationships, choose deeper connection, your decision is yours, and it’s a statement: I will not be used. I will not be reduced.

Do we have to reject glamour, fillers, long hair, looking good, posting an instagram selfie? Absolutely not, I love seeing who I am now, what I represent, as I don’t see beauty, I see growth, the story of Kerry. Feminine beauty is not a sin. Wanting to feel good in your body is not an invitation to be sexualised as an object. Wanting to be seen as beautiful, to have fun, to feel empowered, that is your right. The problem isn’t you. The problem is the viewer who won’t let you be.

So, you owe nothing but your full self to anyone. If someone says “I want you just for one night,” you are allowed to say No. You are allowed to say I am worth more. You are allowed to say I want connection, I want respect, I want mutual desire and mutual regard. And if you don’t get that, you walk away. None of us are desperate enough, that we hurt ourselves in the pursuit of love.

Mindset change & how to find real love

Because here’s the truth, no one is going to find real love this way, not deep, lasting, meaningful love—if the foundation is “I want you for the night, for the moment, for the body”. That’s not love. That’s use, that’s being abused by yourself and others.

And if we keep playing that game (even passively) we become complicit in the cycle. Mindset shift time.

What we need to shift – as women

• From “Am I desirable?” → to “Am I worthy of respect?”
• From “Do they want me?” → to “Do they value me?”
• From “Can I make this work?” → to “Will this bring me happiness, safety, growth?”
• From “I’ll settle to be loved” → to “I’ll wait to be loved deeply”

What we need to shift – culture and for men

• From “She looked that way therefore…” → to “Her appearance doesn’t give you rights.”
• From “Pursuit equals proof of worth” → to “Willingness to stay, to walk the long road, matters more than the chase.”
• From “Casual is fine if consenting” → to “Even consenting should bring mutual regard, not just use.”

What to do: practical steps

• Set clear boundaries: Know what you will accept, what you won’t. Practice saying the words (in your mind or out loud – I deserve love)! Say it loud and clear!
• Slow things down: If someone meets you and all they want is the sexual yet they neglect to ask your story, your mind, your soul, walk away. Real love takes time.
• Check the foundation: When you meet someone, ask: “Do I feel safe? Do I feel known? Do I feel valued?” If the answer isn’t “yes, absolutely,” step back.
• Honor your history: If your history involves sexual abuse, you have every right to heal, to protect your boundaries, to choose differently. That makes you stronger, not broken.
• Seek community & role models: Talk with women who are choosing differently, men who are doing differently. Your story matters, your values matter.
• Redefine your worth: Gaining respect, kindness, depth matters more than gaining “likes”, “matches”, “attention”. Your beauty, your glamour, it’s yours, enjoy it. Just make sure it’s rooted in you, not in someone else’s idea of you.

Why the system still fails—and what gives me hope

It’s not enough to talk about individual men or women. The system fails in many ways:

• So many sexual offences go unreported, under-prosecuted. For example, for the year ending March 2024, rape made up 36% of all sexual offences, yet only around 2.6% of rape offences resulted in a charge/summons.  
• Child sexual abuse remains huge: Children make up only 20% of the population but are victims in 40% of all sexual offences.  
• And despite the glamour, the independence, the strength of many women, we still live in a culture that “allows” men to treat women as less, to use women as bodies instead of full beings.

But, I’m hopeful. Because more women are speaking, more men are rethinking, more boundaries are being drawn. You swearing to celibacy isn’t shame, it’s power. Saying you will not be reduced is fierce. Yes I find celibacy can be lonely, you will crave the touch and excitement, and sorry but however much I have tried, I struggle, however sometimes its better to have your mind and body, kept for you and only you.

And as women step into full ownership of their stories, full ownership of their beauty, full agency over their bodies and relationships, that is where change happens.

My Final thoughts…. or let’s call it Kerrys conclusion

To the girl you were, to the woman you are becoming: you are not here just to be looked at. You’re here to be seen, yes, but to be known. You’re not just a body, you’re a brain, a heart, a soul. And the fact you’ve felt sexualised, misunderstood, used doesn’t mean you accept it forever.

Men might have hormones, might have impulses, might have culture training them wrongly. But you have the power to choose how you respond, who you let in, what you demand. You have the power to glam, to glow, to live your femininity, on your terms.

If someone wants you only for one night and nothing more, that’s their choice, and you don’t have to play the part they wrote for you. You can write your own.

Carry your girlhood. Honour your story. Choose respect. And if anyone tells you your beauty is the problem, you know better. Your beauty is your gift. Your self-worth is not negotiable.