Category: lovelife

Everything Happens for a Reason – The American Dream

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

I flew 8,500 kilometres to follow my heart.

Not to chase anything, just to listen to that quiet inner pull that told me I needed to be here. I knew there was a risk. I knew the outcome might not be what I hoped for, and it wasn’t.

What I thought would happen didn’t happen.

But what did happen has changed my life.

Last year was one of the hardest years I’ve ever lived through. I’ve become very good at wearing a mask, hiding the sadness in my eyes, disguising the cracks in my confidence, especially in places where I once felt strong. I show up smiling, even when parts of me are still healing.

This trip stripped that mask away.

The first day here was filled with joy. The second day, it all disappeared. Everything I thought this journey was about was taken from me in an instant and instead of sitting in it, instead of becoming bitter, playing the victim, or feeling sorry for myself, I made a decision.

I chose kindness.

I chose to go out into the world and give what I still had left. Not because I expected anything back, but because being kind makes me feel whole. And if kindness returns, that’s beautiful, but it doesn’t need to.

So I complimented elderly women.

I bought an old man a mango tea.

I spoke to strangers.

I made friends.

I shared socials with photographers.

I laughed with people I’d never met before.

I had conversations with potential love matches that reminded me I’m still open, still hopeful.

And suddenly, this week became a week of discovery.

A week that felt… meant to be.

I’ve always felt drawn to America. No matter where I’ve lived, I’ve rarely felt truly at home, but every time I’m here, especially this time, there’s a deep, unexplainable sense of belonging. Not the kind you get when you’re on holiday and fantasise about a new life, but a quiet knowing. A feeling in my bones that says, this place matters.

I don’t know how that fits into my life yet, especially with a young child and a father who loves him deeply, but I trust that clarity will come when it’s meant to.

One thing that surprised me about LA is how obsessed the world thinks it is with perfection. Beautiful people, perfect faces, flawless bodies. You wonder how you could ever fit in.

And yet… everywhere I went this week, I was met with kindness and unexpected affirmation.

I went on a date with a truly lovely man, someone I’d known only as an Instagram connection for years. He drove an hour and a half just to spend the day with me, showed me the Hollywood sign, took me to dinner in Beverly Hills, and gave me his time and presence. There was no romantic compatibility, but he had one of the most beautiful souls I’ve encountered.

At one point he looked at me and said, “You’re the most American British woman I’ve ever met.”

As we walked around Beverley Hills, he told me to look, and he told me I stood out, He told me people noticed me, everyones heads turned…

And they did.

Women complimented my outfit.

Strangers asked if I worked in TV.

People asked if I modelled.

They told me my hair was fabulous, that I looked pretty, that I carried myself beautifully…

As a 42-year-old woman, that kind of attention can feel uncomfortable, even embarrassing. But this time, I let it in. I needed it. Not for my ego, but for my spirit. For the parts of me that had forgotten their worth.

This trip reminded me of something important:

There are two types of people in this world.

Those who say they are kind, and then hurt others without hesitation.

And those who show kindness through action, consistency, and integrity.

This week showed me exactly which one I am.

I don’t just call myself a Christian — I live it. I believe in the words from Matthew: “Treat others as you would like to be treated.” Being a Christian isn’t about what you say on Sundays; it’s about how you show up when it’s hard. When you’re hurting. When it would be easier to close your heart.

And I won’t close mine.

No matter how much pain I experience, I will never stop being kind.

I will never stop showing up.

I will never stop loving.

This journey, this unexpected, imperfect, emotional trip, has reminded me that everything truly does happen for a reason. I was pulled here for a reason, even if I don’t fully understand it yet.

The Signs I Couldn’t Ignore

As this week comes to an end, I’ve realised it wasn’t just the experiences that changed me, it was the signs, Quiet ones, Gentle ones, The kind you don’t notice unless you’re finally still enough to listen.

Yesterday I sat alone on the beach, the ocean stretched out in front of me, my heart heavy from the emotional rollercoaster of the week. I had a tear in my eye when someone came and sat a few metres away, music blaring from their speaker…. and then it played , Red Red Wine by UB40. You never hear that song anymore, But there it was and I won’t explain why it matters to me only that it does. Deeply. In that moment, looking out across a California beach with that song playing, I knew. I knew why I was here.

Every time sadness crept in this week, I walked, and every time I walked, I was reminded of something familiar, something grounding. One day, while quietly sharing my sadness, Dexys Midnight Runners came on, my life anthem. The song that has carried me through more than anyone knows. Hearing it felt like a nudge: Back in the room, Kerry. You’re okay.

And then there was the word Joe.

Everywhere I looked, it appeared. Cafes, Fridge magnets, Sign, Small ordinary places, to me, it wasn’t ordinary. It reminded me of my son, It reminded me of my Grandad. It gave me strength when I needed it most. Too many times to be coincidence, this week.

There is a reason I’m here. I don’t know what it is yet, and I wish I had the answers now. I trust that one day I will. Whether the reason is joyful or painful, big or subtle, it matters, America has always felt like this to me, I never feel home anywhere, but here.. yes my God, I feel home. There is a pull here, the strongest pull I’ve ever felt.

And no, it has nothing to do with the original reason I came. That chapter ended, not by my choice, but by having my vulnerability met with unkindness, by being left in shock when all I needed was compassion. But instead of letting that define this journey, I chose goodness.

I rode the buses, trams, bikes even though everyone told me not to use public transport, I am no snob and I wanted to feel part of something, To see everything, To experience the city as it really is. I ended up on the weirdest, most wonderful bus journeys through LA’s rougher parts, and then somehow found myself walking through Rodeo Drive, feeling like I’d stepped into a Pretty Woman dream.

And that’s when it hit me.

Life really is special.

Even in pain.

Even in disappointment.

Even when plans fall apart.

Especially then.

This week reminded me that meaning doesn’t always arrive the way we expect, but it always arrives when we’re open enough to receive it, and for that, I am endlessly grateful, and as I conclude this, just finishing a call with my son and his father, I’ve just been told, my ex would move here in a flash, and has offices all over here.. maybe the dream isn’t too far away…

I can’t wait to bring Joe back … Is this home? Let’s see…

The Men of 2025: How my year of Dating Hell, and Hard-Learnt Lessons, can help you spot Red Flags!

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

What the hell happened!!??

Sex, fantasy, consistency — and why modern dating keeps breaking women

After a long period of celibacy, I met my ex-boyfriend — let’s call him The Lion. We don’t need his real name.

The Lion, The narcissist.

In fact The grandiose narcissist.

He was very handsome, Beautiful, actually. Perfect white teeth. A full head of hair, (two hair transplants because one wasn’t enough). He was sexy, but not my usual type. I normally go for taller, lean, athletic men with no tattoos. He was huge. Six foot tall, probably six foot wide. Muscly. Strong. Dominant.

He wasn’t my type — and yet something about him completely undid me.

I found him intensely attractive, in a way I hadn’t experienced before. Maybe because he wasn’t my normal type. Who knows. But the sex between us was off the scale. Raw. Animalistic. Lust-driven. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had.

We couldn’t get enough of each other. Sexy weekends away. Him telling me how to dress. The gifts, ( And for anyone who knows me, Im not normally into this) The energy. The chemistry. The obsession.

I almost felt like his doll — something he couldn’t put down, and that, I think, is where most of the attraction came from.

And that’s all it was.

Sex.

There was no substance. No emotional safety. No real love. Just intensity masquerading as connection. My therapist later told me clearly: the “connection” existed because I had been celibate, and my body and mind craved attention.

The first three or four months felt incredible.

Then everything shifted.

The final two months were hell.

I dropped from 9st 4 to 7st 10, living in pure survival mode.

He became verbally abusive — at first subtly, then relentlessly. Comments about my body. My teeth. My weight. My scars. Criticism disguised as jokes or “help.” Tiny cuts, over and over again.

This was a man who knew my history with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia. All the “I want to know everything about you” had been a ploy — to gather ammunition.

I treated him like a king.

He treated me like something and someone he owned…

He’d say things like, “Why do you have this effect on me? I just can’t give you up.”

As if I was the problem. As if I was doing something to him.

Once, sitting in my car, he pulled me onto his lap and said,

“Kerry, you do this to me. I’m not sure I want this, but you have this way of winning me back.”

I hadn’t done anything wrong.

Then he hugged me and said,

“I’m scared I could become abusive towards you — you’re too soft and nurturing.”

Let that sink in.

I’ve been told before that I have a presence, that I make people feel seen. With him, that became a weapon. He leaned into my kindness while resenting me for it.

The worst moment came on a drug-fuelled Ibiza trip. Pink cocaine from 7am to midnight. Then the comedown.

For twelve hours — hotel, airport, plane — he broke me down.

Told me I was a bad person. Needed therapy. Needed to change my career. Needed to look different. This was Loudly, Publicly, to the point people noticed.

Every time I looked away, he physically lifted my chin and told me I wasn’t listening.

I hadn’t done a single thing wrong.

At one point a stranger followed me into an airport toilet and said,

“This is not okay. I’m worried about you, as this is dangerous’

And I still made excuses for him.

That’s how deep it was, and I knew I was hours away from the safety of my own home..

After that, he love-bombed me, Promises. Romance. Safety. Then after one trip, I fell seriously unwell, to the point I was hospitalised for 8 days — He then broke off with me saying ‘I didn’t sign up for this’ – Meaning his Girl in hospital and being super unwell, then nothing. Coldness. Disinterest. Silence.

And that’s when I finally saw it.

This was just sex.

And no sex — no matter how good — is worth fear.

He did wonders to my body sexually I thought at the time, and then I realised, No, I made that happen, I had gone so long without sex that I think anyone could of made that happen.

What he did to my head nearly destroyed me.

He tried to break me.

And I very nearly let him.

Reflection: The Narcissist

This wasn’t love. It was trauma bonding. Intensity without safety. Power without care. He fed on devotion, then punished me for giving it.

Narcissists don’t want partners — they want mirrors, supply, and control.

Lessons Learned: If You Meet a Narcissist

  • Intensity is not intimacy
  • Amazing sex does not cancel abuse
  • If he uses your vulnerabilities against you, leave
  • If your body is deteriorating, your nervous system is screaming
  • Love never requires survival mode

Airport Guy: When Kindness Still Isn’t Compatibility

A few days after splitting with my Ex, I flew abroad with my little boy.

I was still fragile. Still healing. Still very much in recovery mode — physically and emotionally.

At the airport, a man stared at me so intensely it actually made me blush — and I am not easily flustered. I mean, his neck nearly broke turning to look back at me. Later, delayed on my flight, I opened a dating app.

And there he was.

We matched. Of course we did.

Airport Guy.

He was kind, sweet, down to earth, handsome — and back to my usual type: dark, tall, athletic. After everything I’d been through, he felt… safe. Gentle. Normal.

We talked for weeks. He was attentive and consistent with messaging. There was warmth there, ease, laughter. But as time went on, I realised something was missing. There was no real depth. No emotional intelligence. No stimulation that made me feel mentally alive.

Still, I agreed to a date.

And actually, we had a ball.

It was last minute, impulsive, a “fuck it” moment. The evening was easy and fun, and before it ended, we’d already agreed to a second date.

On the second date, he went all out. He booked Louie’s in Manchester and really made an effort. That night, he stayed over. We cuddled, talked, laughed, but lying there, I found myself thinking something that surprised me.

I really fancied him – but I didn’t want sex with him.

Not in that way.

There was attraction, but no pull. No hunger. No emotional spark that made me want to cross that line. And I can’t fake that, nor should I.

We ended up seeing each other six times over several weeks. I kept hoping something would ignite. I wanted it to. He was good company, however instead of things deepening, cracks started to show.

He moaned constantly about the two-hour distance.

He lacked curiosity and depth.

When life got hard, he disappeared into drug-fuelled benders.

One night, he rang me 37 times, completely off his head, telling me he’d fallen for me — but his mind was a mess, I was too far away, and I was “too good for him.”

That sentence told me everything I needed to know.

I don’t do drugs. I won’t tolerate them in a partner, especially after what I’d just survived and while he was genuinely lovely, he was also lost, unhealed, and not self-aware enough to know it — without playing the victim role.

I wasn’t the woman who could save him.

And in truth, I also wasn’t ready to progress intimacy with anyone. You can’t force a spark. It’s either there or it isn’t. And without it, nothing meaningful grows.

So I ended it.

Not because he was bad — but because nice isn’t enough.

Reflection: The “Good on Paper” Man

Airport Guy represents a difficult truth: not every connection that feels safe is right. After abuse, kindness can feel like chemistry — but they are not the same thing.

He wasn’t cruel. He wasn’t manipulative. He was simply unhealed. And unhealed people often look for partners to steady them, soothe them, or anchor them through chaos.

That isn’t partnership — it’s emotional dependency in waiting.

Lessons Learned: When the Man Is Kind but Not Ready

  • Safety alone does not equal compatibility
  • Attraction without depth leads nowhere
  • You cannot build intimacy with someone who avoids their own pain
  • Substance abuse is not a “phase” — it’s a coping mechanism
  • It’s okay to walk away from someone good because you need something right

Choosing yourself doesn’t always mean leaving bad men.

Sometimes it means leaving good men who aren’t capable of meeting you where you are.

The Mistake Guy: When Your Body Knows Before You Do

Then came The Mistake.

We matched on Hinge — and as anyone who’s been on dating apps knows, even getting off them and exchanging numbers takes effort. This man had recently moved back to the UK from Dubai, Ex-soldier. Worked on high-end military contracts, Father of three.

On paper, he sounded solid.

He was intelligent, direct, keen to align. We shared beliefs around supporting the military — but beyond that, there wasn’t much emotional alignment. I felt he tried to force more alignments than there were, and I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him, beyond recognising that he was tall, dark, and handsome.

Still, as always, he was the only person I was speaking to.

He was persistent, offered date after date and even though he lived four hours away, he kept pushing to see me.

At the time, I’d been off work and unwell so on week three of chatting, he badgered me for a date and offered to drive to my city. With hesitation — and, if I’m honest, feeling a little guilt-tripped — I agreed.

On one condition: I would drive myself.

Within minutes of me saying yes, he told me he’d booked a hotel (for himself), chosen the restaurant, and planned the evening. Later, I discovered he’d lied about part of this, but at the time, I put it down to enthusiasm.

When we met, I was late and had misunderstood the bar he’d suggested, so I went straight to the restaurant. Standing at the bar waiting, I suddenly felt someone come up behind me and pick me up and squeeze me.

Anyone who knows me knows I have strong boundaries — and I hate being picked up unexpectedly.

I froze.

I told myself to calm down. He’s just excited to see you.

At dinner, he commented that he didn’t like sitting opposite me. I replied that I was comfortable where I was. When I went to the bathroom and came back, he’d moved to my side of the booth. I felt cornered. I slid back into my seat, forcing him to stand up, and angled my body so I wasn’t fully facing him.

He put his arm around me and went in to kiss me.

I pecked him — more out of politeness and shock than desire.

I think he felt my energy change, because suddenly he pulled back and shifted tone. For the next few hours, he was a perfect gentleman. I relaxed. I enjoyed the date.

And that’s where I made the mistake.

I ignored my intuition — the tight chest, the internal warning — because nothing “bad” had happened yet, and I put it down to my own over-thinking.

What followed was something I won’t detail publicly, but it was enough to teach me a lesson I will never forget.

He is well and truly blocked and I hope our paths never cross again.

Reflection: This Is What Happens When You Override Your Gut

Nothing dramatic has to happen for something to be wrong. Women are taught to override discomfort to avoid appearing rude, dramatic, or ungrateful.

Predatory or unsafe men rely on that conditioning.

Your body recognised danger long before your mind caught up.

Lessons Learned: What Women Need to Hear About “The Mistake”

  • Discomfort is information, not anxiety
  • You don’t need proof to leave a situation
  • Being polite has put women in danger for generations
  • A man who ignores physical boundaries early will ignore bigger ones later
  • If your intuition whispers, listen — if it screams, run

Ignoring your gut doesn’t make you open-minded.

It makes you vulnerable.

Mr Avoidant: The Fantasist Who Never Intended to Stay

Then there was Mr Avoidant — someone I’d known briefly before, who had actually helped and advised me after The Mistake.

At first, he seemed different.

Attentive, Caring. Emotionally available. He listened. Asked questions. Showed understanding. I told him early on that I’d sworn to celibacy — that my body needed to belong to me again.

He said he respected it.

He talked about the future, About long-term plans, About a relationship. Even about going to Auschwitz together — somewhere I’ve always wanted to go but this was from the off and straight away I recognised the feeling immediately: love bombing.

I’ve learned something important about myself — I attract fantasists. Men who talk. Men who imagine. Men who build futures with words rather than actions.

Men who want the idea of me.

One night, we kissed. Just a kiss. A cuddle. No intimacy. During that moment, he said, “You’re dangerous.” I asked what he meant. He brushed it off — but I knew exactly what he meant.

After that night, the shift was immediate.

Avoidance. Excuses. Distance. Mixed signals.

Too ill to see me with a supposed chest infection — yet somehow well enough to win a padel tournament. Constant viewing of my Instagram stories within minutes of posting. Suddenly posting stories himself, despite never doing so before.

WhatsApp messages sent — then deleted before I could read them.

It felt unhinged.

I don’t do games.

There is a short window with me. Once I feel self-protection kick in, the switch goes off — and that’s not self-sabotage. That’s self-preservation.

The following week, I went back on dating apps.

And there he was, Back on them too.

You don’t get access to me while shopping for someone else. You don’t get my emotional energy while keeping your options open.

Reflection: Fantasists Want Access, Not Responsibility

Avoidant men love connection — until it requires consistency. They crave intimacy but panic when it becomes real.

They want you close enough to soothe them, but far enough that they don’t have to commit.

Lessons Learned: How to Spot an Avoidant Early

  • Words without follow-through are a red flag
  • If he’s still on dating apps, you’re not chosen
  • Mixed signals are the signal
  • Consistency is emotional maturity
  • If he disappears after intimacy (even emotional), believe the pattern

A man who wants you doesn’t confuse you.

He makes space. He makes plans. He shows up.

The Red Flags I Will Never Ignore Again

(And Neither Should You)

These aren’t dramatic.

They aren’t always obvious.

Most of them appear early — and we talk ourselves out of them.

Early Behavioural Red Flags

  • Intensity too soon — fair enough if its a month in, but i’m talking week 1 week 2.
  • Boundary testing on first or early dates (touching, closeness, pressure)
  • Discomfort in your body that you rationalise away
  • Inconsistent communication disguised as “busy” or “overwhelmed”
  • Charm paired with entitlement

Emotional & Psychological Red Flags

  • Making their feelings your responsibility
  • Subtle criticism framed as jokes, concern, or “help”
  • Playing victim while avoiding accountability
  • Blaming stress, substances, or mental health for harmful behaviour
  • Turning your empathy into a weapon

Consistency & Availability Red Flags

  • Talking about commitment without backing it up with action
  • Keeping you in conversation but vague about seeing you
  • Still active on dating apps while claiming interest
  • Hot–cold behaviour after intimacy (even emotional intimacy)
  • Making you feel anxious instead of grounded

Lifestyle & Coping Red Flags

  • Using drugs or alcohol to escape discomfort
  • Chaotic lives with no evidence of self-work
  • Expecting you to stabilise or rescue them
  • Treating therapy, growth, or accountability as optional

The Biggest Red Flag of All

  • You feel smaller, quieter, or less yourself around him
  • You start editing your needs to keep the peace
  • Your nervous system is on edge more than it’s at rest

Love does not feel like walking on eggshells.

Connection does not cost your health.

Desire does not require self-betrayal.

What 2025 Really Taught Me

It would be easy to frame 2025 as a year where I simply met the wrong men.

But that would let me off too lightly.

The truth is, I chose them.

Not consciously. Not maliciously. But through patterns I hadn’t fully interrupted yet.

The narcissist wanted power.

Airport Guy wanted comfort.

The Mistake wanted access.

The Avoidant wanted fantasy.

Different men — same outcome.

And while each of them was responsible for their behaviour, I have to be honest about my part in letting them close.

My Accountability

I didn’t attract these men because I’m weak.

I attracted them because I am open, emotionally literate, warm, and capable of holding space. I listen deeply. I give generously. I see people for who they could be — not just who they are in front of me.

That’s not a flaw.

But here’s where my responsibility lies:

I stayed too long in potential.

I rationalised early discomfort.

I confused intensity, kindness, or familiarity with readiness.

I allowed words to carry more weight than actions.

I also entered dating while still healing — believing I was strong enough to spot danger, without fully respecting how vulnerable that season made me.

That vulnerability didn’t make me stupid.

But it did lower my tolerance for red flags.

The Pattern I Finally Saw

Each of these men was offering something that looked like connection — but none of them were offering consistency.

And consistency is the only thing that makes love safe.

They talked.

They imagined.

They promised.

They performed.

But when it came to showing up — emotionally, practically, predictably — they disappeared, destabilised, or turned harmful.

What I learned is this:

If a man cannot meet you in reality, he will meet you in fantasy — and fantasy always collapses, its unsustainable!

We need to spot Green Flags!

The Green Flags of Real Love

(The Signs You Can Trust and Build With)

These are the behaviours and qualities that signal safety, consistency, and emotional availability. They’re not flashy or dramatic, they’re grounded in reality.

Early Behavioural Green Flags

  • Respects your boundaries — physical, emotional, and temporal
  • Doesn’t rush intimacy — values connection over convenience
  • Takes your discomfort seriously — validates it instead of brushing it off
  • Consistent communication — not overbearing, not disappearing

Emotional & Psychological Green Flags

  • Owns their emotions and mistakes — doesn’t blame you for their problems
  • Shows empathy without expectation — can see your perspective without needing to fix it
  • Encourages your growth — celebrates your strengths and supports your goals
  • Balances give-and-take — emotional labor isn’t one-sided

Consistency & Availability Green Flags

  • Follows through on plans — action matches words
  • Prioritizes quality time with you — without making excuses or distractions
  • Shows a genuine interest in getting to know you as a person
  • Keeps commitments — from simple promises to long-term discussions

Lifestyle & Coping Green Flags

  • Manages stress in healthy ways — doesn’t turn to substances to escape reality
  • Engages in self-work — therapy, reflection, or intentional growth
  • Seeks partnership, not rescue — wants a relationship of equals, not a project
  • Communicates openly — expresses needs and feelings honestly

The Biggest Green Flag of All

  • You feel fully yourself — at ease, grounded, excited, and safe
  • You can voice your needs without fear
  • You don’t feel anxious just being near him
  • You see a future and it feels like a shared love story…but you can still keep each other grounded without fear of love bombing.

Love should feel like a homecoming, not a battle.

Safety, respect, a man who is self aware and consistency are far sexier than drama, intensity, or unpredictability.

What I Want Other Women to Take From This

This isn’t about becoming colder, harder, or closed.

It’s about becoming clear.

  • Attraction without safety is not chemistry — it’s your nervous system reacting
  • Kindness without emotional capacity is not partnership
  • Words without follow-through are not hope — they are placeholders
  • If your body is in distress, your intuition already knows the truth

And most importantly:

You are not “too much” for wanting consistency.

You are not demanding for wanting clarity.

You are not difficult for expecting follow-through.

Those are the bare minimum requirements for love.

Where I Am Now

I no longer chase intensity, reassurance, or potential.

I look for:

  • Actions
  • Effort
  • Emotional regulation
  • Consistency over time

And if those things aren’t present, I don’t negotiate with myself anymore.

This isn’t bitterness.

It’s self-respect.

2025 didn’t break me.

It taught me how to stop abandoning myself.

And that lesson will change everything that comes next.

The best sex of My Life started at 40 and Trust me so can yours to!

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

There’s a quiet lie we’re told as women: that sex peaks when we’re young, slim, inexperienced, and eager to please.

My reality has been the exact opposite.

Sex in my 20s was full of nerves. I was in my head. I was performing. I was worried about angles, stomach rolls, facial expressions, whether I was “too much” or “not enough.” I thought confidence meant pretending — pretending to orgasm, pretending to enjoy things, pretending I knew what I was doing.

Now, in my 40s, sex lives in my body, not my head.

And the difference is everything.

The Body Shift: Strength Changed My Sexuality

One of the biggest turning points for me wasn’t age, it was movement.

Since committing to Pilates, yoga, stretching, and strength-based movement, my relationship with my body has fundamentally changed. My body doesn’t just exist anymore, it moves with intention. I understand it. I feel it. I trust it.

Flexibility, stamina, and strength didn’t just improve my posture or how my clothes fit — they transformed how I experience sex.

I move with confidence.

I don’t fatigue the way I once did.

I feel grounded, present, and powerful.

I can stay engaged, connected, and responsive for longer.

And that stamina? It unlocked a level of sexual intensity I had never experienced before.

Honestly — extraordinary is the only word for it.

Weight Loss, Fitness, and the Confidence Loop

Let’s be honest, losing weight and becoming physically fitter did shift my confidence, however not in the way people assume. It wasn’t about being smaller. It was about being stronger, more capable, more embodied.

That physical confidence created a loop:

I felt good in my body.

So I trusted my body.

So I surrendered more during sex.

So sex became deeper, more intense.

Which made me feel even more confident.

In my 40s, when I’m into someone, I’m really into them. There’s no half-heartedness. No distraction. No performance. I show up fully, and that intensity is intoxicating, for me and for the person I’m with.

Intensity Grows With Age — If You Let It

One thing no one talks about enough is this: sexual intensity can increase as you get older.

For me, orgasms didn’t even really exist in my early 20s — I faked them, yep I did, like so many women do. At 27, I experienced my first real multiple orgasm, and since then? It’s been a steady, powerful evolution.

Now, in my 40s, my orgasms are deeper, more embodied, more consuming, and more connected to my breath and movement.

I experience different kinds of orgasms depending on the type of sex I’m having. That curiosity, that openness — is something I never allowed myself when I was younger.

This past year, despite being one of the worst years I’ve ever had for dating emotionally, I also experienced some of the best sex of my life.

Not because of luck.

Because of freedom.

Open-Mindedness Without Shame

I’m not interested in ticking boxes or sticking to scripts. I’m open-minded because I understand my body and because I want sex to evolve, not stagnate.

For me, that has meant being curious about introducing new sensations into my sex life and not being afraid to explore what heightens pleasure. That curiosity has included experimenting with things like poppers (alkyl nitrites), and honestly, the intensity they can bring to orgasm is on another level entirely, crazy you can buy these things on Amazon, for a girl that doesn’t even have caffeine in her coffee, this was quite the experience. I’ve never considered myself a drug taker and I never will be, but poppers are widely available and, when used intentionally, the heightened sensation they create during sex can feel absolutely explosive. The intensity is difficult to describe — it’s consuming, immersive, and unlike anything I had experienced before, however it only adds, to what needs to be incredible sex.

But exploration doesn’t have to mean anything extreme. Sometimes it’s the smaller ingredients that completely transform the experience. Teasing. Anticipation. Power dynamics. Touch. I know, as a woman, that I love to be teased. I love a sense of confidence and masculinity from a man. I love the energy shift when someone knows exactly what they’re doing and isn’t afraid to lean into it.

That’s the point: electrifying sex looks different for every woman.

And we’re allowed to ask ourselves what makes it electric for us.

Why limit ourselves to the same routine, the same positions, the same outcomes? Why assume sex has to look one way? Now as I have sexually matured, certain positions I just don’t enjoy anymore, mainly because I feel that break in connection, such as ‘Doggy Style’ , I mean it just feels a bit cheap, but hey reverse cowgirl, kinda still a turn on! Just exploring different types of intimacy, deeper connection through oral sex, different forms of touch, or new dynamics, can unlock entirely different kinds of pleasure and orgasmic experiences.

I don’t see exploration as reckless, I see it as intentional and embodied. When you’re grounded in yourself, you know your limits. You know your boundaries and you know what feels right for you.

Sex doesn’t have to be repetitive to be safe.

It doesn’t have to be predictable to be satisfying.

And it certainly doesn’t have to stay the same forever, you can keep a relationship for years and with the right amount of effort keep the power of sex off the scale..

Sex Stops Being About Impressing — And Starts Being About Pleasure

In my 30s, sex often felt like an audition. Trying to impress. Trying to be chosen. Trying to be desirable.

In my 40s, sex is something I do for me.

And here’s the secret no one tells you:

When you’re having sex for your pleasure, partners feel it immediately.

Confidence is contagious.

I take the lead when I want to. I give guidance without apology. I’m not afraid to say what I want, how I want it, or to invite someone to explore my body with me.

And presence? Presence is magnetic.

Fantasy, Anticipation, and the Power of Desire

Right now, I’m in a period of celibacy and yet, my desire feels more alive than ever.

I have my eye on someone and WOW the anticipation? Electric.

Fantasy has become richer with age, not desperate or rushed, but slow, intentional, delicious.

Masturbation, Self-Knowledge, and Sexual Ownership

A woman who knows how to pleasure herself is a woman who knows her body.

Masturbation isn’t something you “outgrow.” It’s something you grow into.

Self-pleasure builds confidence, awareness, and autonomy. It reminds you that your body belongs to you.

What I Know Now (That I Didn’t Then)

Confidence is sexier than perfection.

Strength and stamina matter more than youth.

Orgasms deepen when you’re embodied, not self-conscious.

Desire doesn’t disappear with age — it matures.

When you’re free in your body, your partner feels free too.

A Message to Women Reading This

If you’re in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or beyond, your most satisfying sex may still be ahead of you.

Move your body.

Get strong.

Touch yourself without shame.

Explore curiosity over performance.

Let confidence come from inside.

Sex doesn’t fade with age — it evolves.

And for me? I can honestly say:

I’ve never been more excited about sex, life and my future sex life— than I am now… and I want you to think to yourself, create your own story, create your own sexual future… enjoy every second…

‘If you want to learn how to develop your sexual being and sexual confidence, join me for confidence coaching, I will partner with you to ensure your best sex is only weeks away’ p

Email me on transformwithkerry@gmail.com or contact me http://www.transformwithkerry.co.uk

What Would Happen If We Walked Away From Dating Apps in 2026?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Dating apps promised connection. Instead, they’ve left many of us anxious, disposable, and lonelier than ever.

My mum doesn’t believe me when I tell her that the only real way people meet these days is through dating apps. She’s from a different generation, one where people met through friends, work, chance encounters, or simple introductions. You met someone, you liked them, and you tried to make it work.

Today, dating feels nothing like that… it’s even hard to imagine, life was that simple, once!!

In 2026, dating apps dominate modern romance, yet, more people than ever feel emotionally burnt out, disconnected, and deeply unsure about love. So I keep asking myself the same question:

What would actually happen if we all made a conscious decision to walk away from dating apps?

Dating Apps and the Rise of Modern Dating Anxiety

There’s no denying it, dating apps have rewired how we connect.

Psychologically, they operate on the same reward systems as gambling: dopamine hits, intermittent validation, endless novelty. You swipe, you match, you wait. You check notifications. You compare. You question your worth.

Research over the last few years has consistently linked dating apps to:

  • Increased anxiety and stress
  • Lower self-esteem
  • Addictive usage patterns
  • Emotional burnout

So much so that users have attempted to sue dating apps, claiming the platforms are deliberately designed to encourage compulsive behaviour, emotional dependence, and prolonged singlehood rather than healthy relationships.

And honestly? I believe it, I have seen it with my own eyes, and my eyes are so tired of it..

Recently, I deleted Tinder and Bumble completely, I barely used Raya and have now set it to friends only. I thought everything was gone — until I realised I still had Hinge on my work phone. I hadn’t checked it in weeks.

There were 236 notifications.

And I didn’t feel excited. I didn’t feel curious.

I felt sick.

I didn’t even want to open it. I just wanted my pictures offline. I didn’t want to exist digitally anymore. That, in itself, says everything about what dating apps do to us. As soon as I clicked onto it, to delete, the universe spoke, on a dark reminder of why I want to be offline, lay before me on my screen, It was like I was being told… yes delete, delete, delete, because bad people lurk here…

The Illusion of Endless Choice

Dating apps sell the idea that more choice equals better outcomes, however psychologically, the opposite is often true.

Too much choice leads to:

  • Paralysis
  • Dissatisfaction
  • Constant comparison
  • A belief that something “better” is always out there

We find a diamond and still keep fucking digging anyway… why???

People become disposable, A face, A profile, A moment of interest, then… replaced. Not because something is wrong — but because the swipe never ends. It’s so cruel, not just to others but to ourselves..

We’ve become fickle and the apps reward it.

The Scariest Part of Online Dating: The 3–4 Week Pattern

This is the part nobody wants to admit — because once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

You meet someone, You talk every day, The connection feels consistent, Warm and Promising.

Then you hit week three or week four.

And something changes.

Replies slow down, Effort drops, the tone shifts. Suddenly they’re busy. Work is stressful. Life is overwhelming. They’ve got so much on.

The good mornings , the good nights disappear. The curiosity fades.

And you’re left asking:

Why does it always seem to end here? Why do people stop trying at the exact same point?

Dating apps encourage people to fantasise rather than commit, its all words and no action, To chase excitement without responsibility. To invest emotionally just enough, until someone else catches their eye.

Because someone always does.

A girl drops into their DMs. A new face swipes right. And before you know it, the excuses begin:

“I didn’t get a chance to reply.”

“I’ve been exhausted.”

“I’ve just been really busy.”

It’s not that they suddenly became busy.

It’s that their attention moved elsewhere… and it hurts…

When You Have a Good Heart, This Hurts More

This pattern cuts deeper when you’re someone who leads with sincerity, when your heart is pure, and you just simply hope for a glimmer of happiness in love…

When you like someone, you focus. You don’t browse. You don’t keep your options open “just in case.” Once you’ve met someone, you don’t feel the need to even look at an app.

So when things fade — again — it makes you question everything:

Who do I get close to?

Who do I trust?

When is it safe to let my barriers down?

As a woman, I sometimes wish I could be colder, more guarded, less emotionally available. Like friends of mine who can detach easily and give nothing away, and play the complete bitch, and they get treated like absolute royalty..

But I can’t help who I am.

And that softness — in a swipe culture — feels like a liability…

The Emotional Cost of Subtle Withdrawal

What makes this even harder is how quiet the withdrawal is.

If you’re intuitive, you feel it instantly. You notice the shift before it’s acknowledged. The delayed replies. The lack of effort. The energy change.

So when it happens again, it’s not just disappointment — it’s exhaustion.

It makes you not want to date at all. Not because you don’t want love, but because you’re tired of walking the same emotional loop with different faces.

Sometimes, you wish the internet didn’t exist, because people used to learn how to love. They worked through boredom. They chose each other. They didn’t disappear when novelty wore off.

Now, instead of asking “Can I grow with this person?”

People ask “Who else is out there?”

And that question alone destroys connection.

This is why celibacy is so key, because we can give part of our souls, but at least our body can remain untouched and we can hold onto some dignity. The real sadness these days, is how a lot of women, do give their bodies up too early, too freely, and the men take take take.. so you’ve given everything and feel left with nothing, and it hits you twice as hard.

Are Dating Apps Really How Most People Meet?

Despite how dominant apps feel, the data tells a different story.

While dating app usage has skyrocketed over the last decade, most long-term relationships still don’t start online. Even now, the majority of couples meet through:

  • Friends
  • Work
  • Social circles
  • Shared interests
  • Real-world environments

Apps feel unavoidable, but they aren’t the only way. They’ve just become the loudest.

What If We Walked Away From Dating Apps in 2026?

If we collectively stepped back, even temporarily, something interesting might happen.

  • Effort would return — because access wouldn’t be endless
  • Presence would matter more than performance
  • People would have to communicate instead of disappearing
  • Traditions would slowly reinstall themselves

When temptation isn’t constantly in your pocket, you’re more likely to lean into what’s in front of you.

And maybe — just maybe — if we stepped away from apps once we met someone, we’d actually try. We’d communicate. We’d work through discomfort instead of escaping it.

Choosing Depth in a World Addicted to Dopamine

As I step into 2026, I don’t have all the answers when it comes to love. I don’t know where life will take me romantically. What I do know is that I’m no longer willing to participate in something that leaves me feeling anxious, disposable, or disconnected from myself. I have hopes, I have dreams, I have affection, right now even desire, and I know where my heart points… but still trying to remain the ever optimist, and hope somewhere in this big wide world, a good man who aligns still exists.. somewhere.. maybe an ocean away… but there will be that man in the world, who brings calm, brings smiles, and brings a genuine love…

Right now, I’m single and you know what I’m okay with that… because I know my worth and what I deserve… and what’s more so If I feel the tone change, trust me, I will switch off quicker than any guy saying ‘Sorry Ive had a busy day’ – FU and FU …

So until a man asks me to be his girlfriend, his girl, until there is clarity, intention, and consistency — I choose to remain exactly where I am. Open-hearted, hopeful, but no longer available for half-effort, fantasy, or emotional breadcrumbs, darling, you we’re great for the 3 week Disney story, now I have shit to do, but yes, I use the word hopeful… you just never know, what’s around the corner!

Sadly Dating apps have trained us to believe that being alone is something to fix quickly, rather than something to sit with consciously. They’ve taught us that love is abundant but shallow, that connection is instant but disposable, and that if something feels hard, there’s always another option waiting.

But real love has never worked like that.

Love requires patience. It requires discomfort. It requires staying, even when the novelty fades and perhaps that’s why so many people feel lost now: not because love no longer exists, but because we’ve forgotten how to nurture it.

We’re living in a time where people want the feeling of connection without the responsibility of maintaining it. Where intimacy is mistaken for attention. Where consistency feels rare, and emotional safety feels almost radical.

And yet — despite all of this — I don’t believe love is gone.

I believe it’s quieter now. Slower. Less performative. I believe it exists in real conversations, in shared experiences, in moments that aren’t filtered or curated for an audience. I believe it grows when temptation isn’t constantly whispering in your pocket, telling you someone else might be better.

Maybe walking away from dating apps isn’t about rejecting modern dating entirely. Maybe it’s about reclaiming our nervous systems. Relearning how to be present. Choosing depth over dopamine.

Because when you remove endless choice, what’s left is intention.

When you remove constant comparison, what’s left is appreciation.

And when you remove distraction, what’s left is the possibility of something real.

So perhaps the question isn’t “How do we find love in 2026?”

But rather:

“How do we protect it when it shows up?”

And maybe — just maybe — the answer starts with putting the phone down, stepping back into the world, and allowing connection to unfold the way it always did… slowly, imperfectly, and humanly. Maybe the olden day love is still out there, maybe we just need to allow our eyes to glance further than our phone screens, and maybe we should just cherish the connections we do make.. making our own Hollywood ending…

You never know, maybe love is already in your life.. and you’ll find it when the distractions cease…

Crossing Into 2026: Choosing Love Over Distraction, Depth Over Drift

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

There is something sacred about crossing into a new year.

It isn’t just a change of numbers, it’s a psychological threshold. A pause, A moment where we are invited to ask ourselves not what happened, but what matters now.

As we step into 2026, the question isn’t simply What do I want this year? It’s not about setting resolutions that fade out in February, its about realising just how special love is, and learning to recognise how beautiful it can me.

It’s Who do I want to be and how do I want to love?

Because a new year isn’t meant to be dreaded. It’s meant to be welcomed, with intention, courage, and hope.

A New Year Is a Reset, Not a Carryover

One of the most powerful things about a new year is that it gives us permission to put the past to bed.

The disappointments, The heartbreaks, The almosts and what-ifs.

They don’t disappear, but they no longer get to drive the car.

Psychologists often talk about the “fresh start effect”, the idea that temporal landmarks (like a new year) increase motivation for meaningful change. We are more likely to recommit to our values when we feel we are beginning again. 2026 offers that doorway.

This is the year to say:

I’m not dragging old negativity into a new season.

The Question We Avoid: Are We Actually Choosing Love?

We live in a time of endless options, but shrinking commitment.

Dating apps promise abundance, yet study after study shows that choice overload leads to dissatisfaction, not fulfillment. When we believe something better, something easier, is always one swipe away, we stop tending to what’s right in front of us.

And that’s where love quietly slips through our fingers.

What if, instead of asking “Is there someone better? Something easier?”, we asked:

  • Is there potential here?
  • Does this have legs?
  • Could this grow into something meaningful if I actually stayed present?
  • What would happen if I offered consistency to this?

Love is rarely lightning every day. More often, it’s a slow burn that deepens with care, fondness and admiration.

If You’re Looking for Love in 2026

If you are single, this year doesn’t need to be about chasing love harder, it can be about meeting it differently. Do we need to stay on the swipe conveyor belt… because just one swipe can potentially change the course and direction of our whole lives… that one swipe..

Research consistently shows that long-term relationship satisfaction is less about instant chemistry and more about shared values, emotional safety, and mutual effort.

So when you meet someone:

  • Don’t rush to judge them against a fantasy.
  • Don’t treat them as disposable, they’re a human being!!
  • Don’t assume connection must feel explosive to be real, its about alignment, shared values and making each other smile.

What if this person is also looking for love, not entertainment, not validation, not distraction—but something real?

What if this meeting is a blessing? Trying doesn’t mean settling. Trying means honoring possibility.

So many of us are lost on the love journey right now, the phrase ‘I’m not ready’, has long become get out of jail free card. People run from love, and want it, however feel love is a prison, a commitment too far.. problem is, so many people will reach middle to old age, lonely, unloved and actually with more issues than they started with…

If You Already Have Love – This Is Where the Work Begins

If you’re already in a relationship, 2026 can be revolutionary, not by adding something new, but by seeing what you already have with new eyes.

Ask yourself:

  • When was the last time I truly cherished my partner?
  • When did I last remember who they were when we first fell in love?
  • Have I been loving them—or just coexisting?

Long-term studies on marriage and partnership show that relationships don’t fail from lack of love, they fail from lack of attention, consistency and communication.

So what would it look like to start again?

  • To date your partner again.
  • To speak to them with curiosity, not assumption.
  • To remember the laughter, the tenderness, the shared dreams.

Love grows where it is noticed.

The Courage of the Next Step

A new year is also a mirror.

If you’ve been together for years, ask the honest questions:

  • Why haven’t we taken the next step?
  • What fear is holding us back?
  • Are we avoiding commitment—or avoiding growth?

Commitment doesn’t trap love—it anchors it.

Moving in together.

Getting engaged.

Building a shared future.

Making a plan.

These aren’t obligations—they’re declarations:

I choose you. Not just today, but going forward the future… my life.

Becoming Better So Love Can Become Better

Healthy love requires healthy individuals.

Multiple longitudinal studies show that personal growth, emotional regulation, and self-awareness are directly linked to relationship satisfaction. Love doesn’t ask us to be perfect—but it does ask us to be responsible.

2026 is the year to:

  • Heal what you’ve been carrying.
  • Communicate instead of withdrawing.
  • Choose kindness over defensiveness.
  • Grow not just for love—but through it.

Why This Matters More Than Ever

Swipe culture trains us to consume people instead of connect with them. The data is sobering: despite more dating access than any generation before, rates of loneliness, anxiety, and relational burnout continue to rise, especially among younger adults.

A future built on disposability leads to emptiness.

A future built on intention leads to fulfillment.

A Happy 2026 Is a Chosen One

Happiness isn’t found by accident.

Love isn’t sustained by chance.

A joyful 2026 comes from deciding:

  • To stop running.
  • To stop comparing.
  • To stop assuming something better is elsewhere.

And to start believing:

What I build with care can become extraordinary.

This year isn’t about perfection.

It’s about presence.

It’s about choosing depth over distraction.

Love over fear.

Commitment over convenience.

Let 2026 be the year we stop drifting—and start developing.

Because love, when we nurture it, doesn’t just survive.

It thrives. 💫

Why Studying Relationships, Love and Sex -Changed My Dating Life

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Why I date different Now: Time, Boundaries and emotional capacity.

As I study to become a therapist – particularly in love, attachment, sexual development, and relationships, something unexpected has happened.

The more I understand relationships, the more intentional I’ve become about the ones I allow into my life.

That doesn’t mean I’ve lost faith in love.

It means I’ve gained clarity.

What Being a Gentleman Really Means

There’s a difference between manners and character. Small gestures matter, of course, but real emotional maturity goes deeper than surface charm. Consistency, integrity, and follow-through are what sustain connection over time.

Connection isn’t something you perform for a few weeks. It’s something you live, especially when things slow down, become familiar, or require effort.

Boundaries Are Not Barriers

People often assume that because I set boundaries clearly, I must be “hard work.”

But boundaries aren’t walls, they’re guidelines for respect.

If someone wants my mind, my connection, my body, and my energy, that should be mutual. I believe both people should earn each other, at the same pace, with the same intention.

My Love Language Is Time

One thing I’ve come to understand about myself is that my love language is time.

Not grand gestures. Not constant texting. BUT Presence.

Time is the clearest signal of intention. When someone makes time for you, they’re showing that they’re open, emotionally and practically, to building something. They’re showing availability, not just interest.

And equally important: not everyone can make time.

That doesn’t make someone wrong, unavailable, or unkind. Sometimes people are aligned with you in many ways, but they simply don’t have the capacity for a relationship, logistically, emotionally, or both. The age I’m at now, men and women are in their ‘Selfish’ phase recapturing the years as a parent or wrong relationship, so letting someone else in, doesn’t often work, until they’ve really healed. I spot it a mile off, and it makes me back off, because I will test the waters with availability, and I get a feeling very fast. However like I always say it is what it is, and one mans loss is another mans gain.. (I fucking hope so anyway)

And that has to be okay… I think?

Capacity Matters — On Both Sides

I often question whether I have the capacity for a relationship myself. Between my work, my studies, and the life I’ve built, I’ve had to ask that honestly.

This summer felt like a quiet test. What I noticed is that when someone genuinely captures my heart, I do make time. I create space. I shift priorities. There is with me a pull towards want, I may not need, but I would say ‘Like’ a relationship, and yes that key evidence is time..

That’s how I know time matters to me — because I offer it when it’s real.

What I don’t yet know is whether I’ve captured someone else’s heart in the same way. Post Covid dating, is a mile away from dating 10 years ago, and it’s literally horrific!

Intention Over Attention

I’m not interested in connection without direction.. I mean what is the point in one night stands, no thank you, I deserve better!

I don’t want endless messaging with no plan, or conversations that drift without purpose. I value intention, presence, and someone who wants to see me, and shows that through action. I value a man who is confident in dating women his own age, and not dating women 10 years younger just to find validation. Connection is so important.

There’s something deeply reassuring about someone who says, “I want to spend time with you,” and then follows through.

I’m Not a Text Pen Pal

What I have noticed lately is men wanting to access without intention.

They chat, They disappear, They return, they mirror your interests, They force connection. All desperation – not desire.

I don’t want nor need

  • A text pen pal
  • Endless FaceTimes to pass someones lonely nights
  • Swiping apps
  • Emotional ambiguity

I want leadership. I’m a traditional – Not in a submission, but in polarity. I’m not trying to be ‘one of the boys’. I’m very much in my feminine power, and I want a man who meets me in his masculine – Naturally, not performatively.

Consistency Is the Foundation

Consistency is the bare minimum. Inconsistency is just a flag for me (pink or red situation dependent) Inconsistency doesn’t make someone a bad person , it simply reveals misalignment.

I don’t need validation. I’m confident in who I am and the life I’ve created. What I look for is consistency, curiosity, and emotional availability, someone who shows up, communicates clearly, and understands that connection requires time, not just words.

My life, my look can intimidate men, but then I look at the exes I have remained friends with, and they know the real me, the soft, nurturing wife, mummy, friend. So I know those I intimidate.. aren’t right for me, I saw that this summer, he chipped away at everything he fell in love with it.. because as you will recall what was said ‘Kerry Men are 51% and women will always be 49%.

Alone Isn’t the Same as Lonely

I’m not afraid of being single. I value my independence and my peace. What I’m mindful of is choosing wisely. The fear isn’t weakness – It’s wisdom! 42 Years of Kerry wisdom perfected. My own self awareness so awake, that there is a completeness to knowing exactly what I want, but also what I deserve.

The right connection won’t require me to wonder where I stand. It will feel reciprocal, steady, and considered.

This isn’t just about me though, it’s about everyone.

Don’t settle, AIM HIGH!

No I don’t mean in the sense of constantly chasing ‘something better’ but in recognising real alignment when it happens, when it appears, and CHERISH IT!

When someone truly sees you, chooses you and shows up, that’s rare and that’s special – Hold onto that!

So Where Am I Now?

Right now, I’m here — grounded, open, and discerning.

As you mature, things change, the boat gets rocked, one day you wake up, and the boyfriend type who used to fit in with your friends and social circle, seems somewhat distant, the conforming boyfriends, seems a million miles away from where you want to be. Yes my 20’s and 30’s the looks, the social circle and friendship circles mattered, but as you mature, you start to realise, what seemed like perfect alignments, change.. and wow the last 2 years, I’ve felt the shift in me.

I believe there is someone out there who understands that time is love. Someone who has the capacity to show up, to plan, to be present and maybe not perfectly, but intentionally. Yes I closed the door on potentials very quickly, because I’m high value, and I don’t need ‘maybe’ in my life. You’re in or out.. let’s not work with blurred or grey lines.

And if that person hasn’t found me yet, that doesn’t mean they don’t exist..

It just means the story isn’t finished… and these mishaps (ahem Mistakes ssssh) that I keep having, are just part of my own journey… so I’m returning back to my morning coffee and all I can say is….

TO BE CONTINUED….

Why Modern Dating Hurts So Much: Attachment, Rejection, and Healing in Today’s Post-COVID World

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

Modern dating is changing us. Not just how we meet partners, but how we relate to ourselves, our self-worth, our boundaries, our hope for connection. Something in today’s dating culture is making us forget who we are, what we deserve, and how to love ourselves first.

I’ve been watching, not just in my life, but in conversations, in friends’ stories, in what feels like the general pulse of modern love, and I’ve realised there’s something dark and quiet happening inside us. There’s something about today’s post-COVID dating world that’s not just reshaping the way we date, but the way we see ourselves. and I think it’s worth calling it out and us taking time to visit this…

Today’s post-COVID dating world is fast, unpredictable, and constantly in motion. Apps give us swipe-based access to hundreds of faces we never would have met 20 years ago. On paper, it looks like endless choice. In reality, it often produces:

  • emotional burnout
  • attachment anxiety
  • confusion and insecurity
  • fear of intimacy
  • fear of rejection

We’re wired for love – but we’re living in a culture that prioritises availability over authenticity and options over depth.

We’re wired for connection – but the environment keeps pulling us away

As human beings, our biology and psychology are designed for connection, belonging, intimacy. From the moment we were born, being seen, held, accepted mattered. Security, attachment, we evolved to crave these things because they helped us survive and thrive.

But fast forward to now, apps, social media, endless options, midnight messages, “situationships,” and ghosting. On paper, we have more “freedom” and “choice” than ever. But in practice, many of us are more isolated, more anxious, more starved for real connection.

We’ve built a dating culture that normalises disposability and emotional detachment, a culture where it’s normal to treat intimacy like a transaction, and then wonder why we feel hollow.

So when someone shows even a gesture of interest, a kind smile, a compliment,  a deep chat, even just attention, our nervous system reacts like it’s light. We crave that light. We lean into that possibility of warmth the way a plant leans toward the sun. It’s instinct, it awakens us, we WANT the light!

The biology of intimacy – why “casual” doesn’t stay casual

We tell ourselves we’re fine with casual. However our biology often thinks differently. Intimacy, emotional or physical – releases chemicals: hormones like oxytocin, bound up with bonding and trust; neurotransmitters like dopamine, tied with reward, pleasure, anticipation. Touch, warmth, closeness – they make us feel safe, seen, wanted.

Human beings aren’t built for disposability. Physically, emotionally, chemically:

  • Oxytocin (bonding + connection hormone)
  • Dopamine (reward + longing chemical)
  • Vasopressin (attachment + pair-bonding hormone)

These aren’t psychological myths — they’re biology. Intimacy signals to the brain:

Once those signals hit us, we begin to tether, Not necessarily consciously, but deep in our limbic system: “This person made me feel something real.” Maybe for a night, Maybe for a conversation. But real enough.

When that tether is formed, the weight of rejection doesn’t just feel like a lost relationship – it feels like a disruption of safety, of attachment, of self-value.

That’s why sometimes, after the “casual thing,” heartbreak doesn’t feel casual at all. It feels raw, visceral, heavy, because we attached, and tried to convince ourselves “We just wanted fun”. 

Attachment styles, vulnerability and the modern dating trap

Part of the struggle lies in our variation in attachment styles. Some of us find comfort in closeness; some recoil at it; some oscillate between the two. Roughly a third to two-fifths of adults show some kind of insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant or disorganised). Among those, some lean toward anxious attachment – craving closeness and validation, but haunted by fear of abandonment or rejection.

In a dating environment rife with uncertainty (ghosting, mixed signals, hot-and-cold behaviour, ambiguous “situationships”), anxious people get caught in a loop:

  • They seek validation: “If I can just get this person to like me – text me, stay with me – I’ll feel safe.”
  • They become available, open, emotionally generous, seeking connection.
  • But availability sometimes gets misinterpreted as access, not value.
  • They stay, hoping for stability or love; but often meet inconsistency, indifference, or rejection.
  • Their own emotional need is dismissed, ignored, or undercut – and they’re left feeling replaceable.

That leaves a deeper wound than just being single. It chips away at self-worth. It consumes us. We try to convince ourselves we have the power, but we don’t! We don’t at all, but our conscious mind will do anything to convince us, ‘We’re ok!’ 

The paradox of “availability” vs “value” in modern dating

Here’s the painful paradox I keep seeing and not only that, what I have experienced myself:

  • If a person (often a woman) is warm, available, open to love – they are ready for connection. They offer emotional honesty, clarity, possibility.
  • Yet, sometimes the people who are genuinely looking for that kind of connection don’t recognise its value. They expect something easier: fun, convenience, less emotional labour.
  • On the other hand, a person who seems harder to get – more aloof, more “mysterious,” more reserved – can sometimes be perceived as more desirable simply because there’s a sense of challenge, of scarcity, of chase.

Sociologically and psychologically, it’s a glaring mismatch between what we need (authentic connection, emotional honesty, mutual respect) and what gets rewarded (scarcity, challenge, detachment).

It’s not about “blame” – it’s about recognising that the marketplace of modern dating values the wrong things and for those who come to it with softness, vulnerability, readiness for love –  it’s often the hardest place to find what they genuinely seek.

Rejection: more than just “loss” it’s an identity fracture

When we get rejected, when someone disappears, or treats us like we were never a priority, it doesn’t just sting. It shakes something deeper. I myself have struggled over the years with this, even trying with various therapists to understand the root cause of it all, and I know the answers now, however for most of my life, I was left feeling unwanted, unloved and rejected..

  • Validation-based self-worth: If a lot of our self-esteem depends on “being wanted,” then rejection becomes proof of inadequacy, unworthiness, or invisibility.
  • Attachment rupture: Because our nervous system may have already started to bond, rejection doesn’t feel like a story that ends , it feels like a safe place collapsing, and our whole world is crumbling
  • Internalising blame: We tend to whisper (or shout) to ourselves: “I’m too much / not enough / unlovable.” And instead of seeing that the system is what’s broken, we turn the mirror on ourselves.

In today’s environment, rejection isn’t just a breakup. It’s often felt like a personal failure.

What are we really chasing and what’s missing?

Maybe what we’re seeking is not another person. Maybe we’re seeking:

  • To be seen, to feel that someone understands us beyond the surface.
  • To be valued, to believe that who we are, what we bring, matters.
  • To be safe , emotionally, physically, mentally.
  • To belong,  to connect, to share, to build.

What so many of us discover and sometimes too late, is that these things likely begin with self. If we don’t see ourselves as worthy, safe, valuable, and whole … then no external validation can truly fill that void.

And what gets missing in that chase is often self-respect, self-compassion, self-understanding.

Healing isn’t about “not wanting love” – it’s about redefining where love starts

We can’t necessarily change the system. We can’t rename apps. We can’t make society stop valuing challenge over emotional availability. But we can start changing ourselves. We can build a different inner story. One grounded not in external validation, but internal integrity.

Here’s a rough “healing script” I’m writing for myself , maybe you, or anyone reading this, might relate too:

  1. Recognise my own worth – independent of attention. I am worthy whether someone texts me or not. I am love; I don’t need someone else to confirm it.
  2. Slow down intimacy – emotional and physical. Intimacy doesn’t have to be fast. I give my body, my heart the time to read: “Is this person safe? Do I feel respected?” before I lean in. Of course as any sexual being, of course I crave intimacy, but after my celibacy journey I realised, what I have holds value to me.
  3. Cultivate inner validation, with self-care, self-love, self-respect. I get to look in the mirror and say: “You matter. You deserve respect. You don’t need to chase love – you need to walk towards it.”
  4. Seek emotional clarity – not just physical. I value people who show up with words and actions that match. I’m not afraid to ask: “What do you want? Why are you here?”!!! Don’t be afraid to as that! Sleeping with someone will not suddenly make them fall in love with you! Trust me im pretty confident in the bedroom, but it doesn’t cast them under some love spell!
  5. Set boundaries – protect my time, energy, heart. I will not compromise my self-respect just to feel desired or accepted. I will leave what feels like convenience rather than connection.
  • Find belonging in my community and self-worth in purpose. Real love, trust, and belonging may come from friendships, passions, creativity – not just romantic pursuit.
  • Hold space for growth, patience, and self-compassion. Healing takes time. I might stumble, I might be impatient. I choose to believe that I and the people who deserve me, are worth waiting for.

Conclusion: Relearning love from the inside out

This isn’t a manifesto against dating, sex, or modern love. I still believe in love. I still believe in connection. I still believe in the power of human closeness.

What we’re really fighting against,  what we need to heal from, is the dissonance between what our hearts and bodies crave, and what this fast-moving world offers.

We’re not broken for wanting love, or for wanting closeness. We’re human. We’re wired for bonding, for care, for tenderness.

But maybe the first step is to stop chasing love as a drug. Maybe the first step is to reclaim love from within, to remind ourselves that we are already whole, already worthy, already enough. To remind ourselves its all just chemical reactions… 

Maybe then, when we do open ourselves to another person, it won’t be out of desperation, longing, or validation-hunger, but out of a surplus of self-love.

Because the love we truly deserve isn’t transactional. It’s not earned by being “easy to get” or “hard to win.” It’s simply a reflection, of how much we respect ourselves, believe in ourselves, and hold ourselves worthy of loyalty, kindness, and care.

Maybe, if enough of us do that , change the way we love ourselves first,  we begin to change the way we let others love us.

The WhatsApp Graveyard – The Hidden sadness behind the Archived chats.

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There’s a sadness attached to the WhatsApp archived box that I don’t think people talk about enough. For me, it isn’t just a folder. It isn’t a feature. It isn’t even practical….

It’s a graveyard.

A quiet cemetery of conversations that once lit up my screen, once lit up my heart, once got me all excited, and then, slowly, silently – went dark. Every time I open it, I’m reminded not just of people I’ve spoken to, but people I had hope for. People who came, touched my life for a moment, said all the right things, and then floated out just as easily.

And I ask myself:

‘Kerry how did we end up here?’ How did words that felt full of potential turn into silence? How did light turn into dimness?

What the Archived Box Means to Me

The archived box feels like the place I put people when I can’t bear to see them dwindle down my chat list. Watching someone slide further and further down, past the group chats, past the random acquaitance chats, past the family you rarely reply to, is painful. It’s a visual reminder of how long it’s been since they cared enough to speak… or since I cared enough to try again.

I don’t like putting people in the archived box. I don’t enjoy the symbolic burial of a conversation that once mattered, but sometimes keeping them in my main inbox hurts even more, because every day they drift further down, it’s like watching a candle burn out in slow motion.

So I archive them, Not because I don’t care, But because maybe… I care too much.

“Out of sight, out of mind” never really works – but it gives me a moment of peace.

Why We Put People There – Psychologically Speaking

From a psychologist point of view, the archiving someone is a coping mechanism. It’s emotional self-preservation. It’s the digital version of pushing a painful memory into a drawer so it doesn’t stab you every time you pass it.

However as you know I love to do this, let’s break it down, Here’s what’s actually happening:

We’re protecting ourselves from dopamine withdrawal

When communication drops, dopamine drops. It feels like a crash. We’re wired to attach to patterns of attention, affection, and consistency… and when that suddenly stops, the brain reads it as rejection, danger, loss, and fuck me, it starts to hurt!

Archiving becomes a way to minimise triggers. In a way it’s managing pain rejection. Even psychology textbooks say the brain processes social rejection like physical pain. Seeing their name every time we open the app hurts. Archiving puts a plaster on the bruise.

We’re grieving potential – not just a person

We call this ambiguous loss. It’s grief with no closure.

The archive holds:

  • potential relationships that never became real
  • stories that could have been beautiful
  • versions of people we hoped they were
  • versions of ourselves we were becoming

When someone pulls away, we feel powerless. Archiving gives us one small act of agency and dignity…

One small click that says: “I won’t let this hurt me every day.”

The Hope That Lives in the Archive

What makes it even sadder is that the archived box isn’t just grief – it’s hope. Every time a WhatsApp notification pops up, there’s a flicker of excitement. A tiny spark. A second of wondering if one of the voices from the archive has come back to life.

And sometimes… it’s just AliExpress… That sigh of disappointment says everything. Just seeing that (1) feels like a gamble, like Russian Roulette.. The archived box is where hope and heartbreak sit next to each other, quietly. Sad isn’t it.

So I know you’re wondering, what chats and who are in your archived Kerry.. it’s very simple

My Ex Husband (RIP), My best friend who passed 7 years ago, 4 Old business chats, Two men I fell for, and 6 men I got bored of chat with, and one who didn’t know if he was coming or going… 2017 – 2025!

When Do I Decide to Archive Someone?

For me, it’s when communication starts to hurt more than it feels good. When messages slow.When replies turn into half-hearted sentences. When 10 minute podcasts turn into ‘You ok’ … Noooo Inconsistency and emotional immaturity, does not work for me! Sorry but true!

When someone who once told you they liked you begins to backtrack internally… inventing flaws in you that don’t exist, inventing “I’ve been busy”, “I’ve got so much on” , bull shit with the excuses hun, In or OUT, it’s simple.. we don’t do bread crumbing!

That’s when I archive… NOT because I want to, but because watching the decline pains me, I see it as a Soft goodbye, a gentle retreat, it could have been.. but you fucked it mate! It’s my way of saying, I deserve more!!

Are We in Someone’s Archived Box Too?

We’ll never know for sure, but we know when communication drops. We know when someone judges us silently. We know when enthusiasm fades.

And the sad truth is:

we end up in their archive the same way they end up in ours – through silence, avoidance, miscommunication, fear, or simply choosing someone else.

The Graveyard of “Almost” Relationships

When I scroll through my archive, it feels like looking at a cemetery of could-have-beens.

People I let go, People who let me go. Opportunities that slipped away, Men who chose the wrong partner over me and now speak about feeling unloved, stay in my orbit, like I am the one that got away… No Darling, you let me get away!

I sit there thinking:

If you were that unhappy… why didn’t you see me? Why didn’t you realise I’m the opposite of everything that broke you? Why didn’t you recognise sincerity when it stood right in front of you?

They didn’t. The sad thing is by the time people realise they want you, their games and inconsistency, the communication stopping…

Me being archived… Or they being archived… It’s all just a digital tombstone for a story that might have been.

Maybe the Archive Tells Us More About Them Than About Us

In the end, people often put themselves in the archived box through:

  • mixed signals
  • fear
  • avoidance
  • emotional immaturity
  • choosing comfort over connection
  • choosing chaos over calm

And maybe that’s the real graveyard – not the WhatsApp folder, but the emotional space inside someone who never let themselves love fully. Those miss out, because out of self preservation, they talk theirselves out of real happiness, and maybe you could of helped them to find real happiness..

As much as the archive feels like a graveyard, I’m learning that I don’t have to keep visiting it like a mourner. Moving on isn’t about deleting people – it’s about understanding why the story didn’t progress and why that’s okay…

How I heal, and how I move on…

1. I Accept That Silence Is an Answer

Lack of communication is communication. Confusion is clarity.

2. I Focus on My Behaviour, Not Theirs

I can’t control why someone pulled away – but I can control how I respond.

3. I Reduce Triggers Without Punishing Myself

Archiving is a soft boundary, not a failure.

4. I Let Myself Feel the Micro-Grief

Losing potential hurts – but only for a moment, not forever.

5. I Remember That Genuine Connection Doesn’t Need Forcing

The right person won’t need convincing, won’t need chasing, just to boost their own ego, they could feel scared of the whole situation, but you know what… They still show up!

6. I Let New Conversations Start Fresh

Healing is attachment repair, not emotional replacement.

7. I Rewrite the Meaning of the Archive

It’s not a grave anymore.

It’s a record of how I’ve grown.

And that’s where the shift begins: when you stop chasing the ones who keep you guessing and start choosing the ones who make you feel safe, seen, and certain. When you realise that consistency isn’t boring – it’s calming. That genuine interest isn’t overwhelming – it’s reassuring. That real connection doesn’t spike your anxiety, their emotional chaos doesn’t throw you in fight or flight, – it steadies your nervous system, you feel at home, at peace.. You can’t wait to be in their arms again!

The moment you understand this, you reclaim your attention from the chaos and redirect it toward people who actually show up. People who don’t leave you hanging in the grey area. People who don’t make you fight for scraps of effort. People who choose you in a way you don’t have to earn.

Because the right connection won’t make you overthink – it will make you exhale.

And once you’ve felt that difference, the old patterns stop feeling tempting.

Why men say all the right things, then disappear after intimacy: The Psychology behind mixed signals..

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If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why someone could look you in the eyes, promise connection, talk about a future with you, make you feel chosen… only to vanish after sex, you’re not alone. In today’s dating world, this is one of the most common and painful experiences many women face. We hear all the right words, we feel the emotional spark, we start to trust what’s being built… and then suddenly, the warmth turns cold.

This blog explores why this happens, what’s really going on psychologically, emotionally, and behaviourally and most importantly, why this isn’t a reflection of your worth. If you’ve been ghosted, future-faked, or emotionally led on, I want you to feel seen, validated, and empowered by the end of this. It’s shitty but it happens, and we can’t help it when the anxiety sets in, finally you thought you’d met a good’un, only for them to turn out like everyone else!

The Good morning and sweet dreams texts vanish, the X at the end of messages vanish, the ‘We’ve got this’ is a long distance memory and the ‘next date’ talk dries up dryer than the Sahara. There is a real sadness to this, and its something I have studied deeply, yet I still don’t have the answers, I still cannot understand why people treat the other party like this, because its painful and hurtful, and however strong you are as a person, it can still be crushing, facing the reality, that they ‘Just aren’t into you’ – Wow now that reminds me of one of my first blogs! (Anyone remember)!

Why Do Some Men Say All the Right Things… Then disappear?

There’s a specific kind of heartbreak that doesn’t just hurt, it leaves you confused, doubting yourself, and second-guessing everything that felt real. One minute he’s saying, “I can’t wait to spend more time with you,” “We’re going to get through this together,” and “I see something with us.” The next minute? He’s cold, distant, silent, or suddenly dealing with problems that never existed before.

But here’s the part most women never get told: this pattern has nothing to do with your value. It has everything to do with his lack of integrity, emotional maturity, and capacity for real intimacy.. FACT!

Some people use Words as Tools, not Promises

There are men who treat words like currency, something they spend to get what they want in the moment. They say whatever will create closeness, comfort, and trust, without thinking about the emotional consequences.

They’re not necessarily masterminds or villains; they’re emotionally immature.

To them, phrases like:

  • “I’m really into you.”
  • “I can’t wait to see where this goes.”
  • “We could be great together.”

…are more about creating a vibe than establishing a genuine intention. Meanwhile, you take those words seriously, because you meant yours.

Sex and intimacy triggers Vulnerability, and Avoidant men panic

For emotionally unavailable or avoidant men, sex is the moment when everything suddenly feels “real.” This is when he realises he might need to follow through. He might need to show up. He might need to actually invest.

Instead of communicating like an adult, he withdraws.

He blames stress, work, family problems, mental health, anything that lets him exit the situation while saving face. These “problems” usually appear out of nowhere because they’re not genuine issues, they’re escape routes. They’re his reason to go cold, his reason to run away.

They want the Fantasy, not the responsibility

This is a big one.

Some men genuinely love the idea of connection.

They love the chase.

They love the emotional intensity.

They love feeling wanted.

But when it’s time to turn that fantasy into something real, consistency, communication, accountability, they freeze. They don’t want a relationship; they want a moment and when the moment is over, so is their effort.

Their Disappearance is not a Reflection of You

This part matters:

Just because someone wasn’t able to follow through doesn’t mean you weren’t enough. It means they weren’t capable.

A man who is ready, emotionally aware, and genuinely interested won’t go cold after intimacy. He won’t future-fake. He won’t treat closeness as a performance and then retreat as soon as the spotlight fades. His behavior says nothing about your desirability, beauty, value, or lovability.

It only reveals his emotional limits.

The Hard Truth: Some men chase the high, not the Connection

There are men who treat dating like a dopamine sport. The chase is intoxicating. The validation is addictive. The thrill keeps them engaged, but only until the novelty wears off.

Once the excitement shifts into something deeper and more vulnerable, they disconnect. Not because you changed, but because the game did, the hormones feel different, and they are not self aware or knowledgeable to realise, they’re playing on hormones.

It’s not Just “Rump and Dump” … It’s Emotional Dishonesty

The sexual part is only half the issue. The deeper betrayal is the emotional deception. He didn’t just use your body, he used your mind, your trust, your vulnerability, your openness. He convinced himself you were what he wanted, but then he knew he doesn’t know what he truly wants in life anyway!

And that kind of behaviour isn’t about sex; it’s about character.

Rump and dump is a term I got told this year, by my ex. ‘You’re not a Rump and Dump girl Kerry’ – I was like WTF!!! However my ex did mean this as a compliment, but for someone like him, the term almost felt immature and unintelligent, so it shocked me! I mean I’m glad I wasn’t lol, but what an awful expression.

It literally mean, fuck her and fuck her off!! Beautiful hey!!!!

The expression of ‘Rump and Dump’, ‘Pump and Dump’ is actually used by fraudsters – How apt – Given that situation!

What you felt was real, What he showed was his insecurities.

Your emotions were genuine, Your intentions were sincere, Your connection felt real because you were real. His disappearance wasn’t proof that you misread the situation, it was proof that he misrepresented himself. He isn’t capable of handling a woman like you.

You see with some men, avoidance isn’t about them being the enemy, its about their insecurities, it can also mean, they think they aren’t worthy of you, that you’ll get bored of them, that you’ll hurt them. Enter the over thinkers, those who have a real shot of happiness with you, but talk theirselves out of it, thinking you’re not into them, and this is so sad, because 9/10 times you are, you really are. However they would rather put up walls and talk theirselves out of what amazing relationships they could have, (and often need) , due to the fear of not being good enough.

So….

If you’ve ever been left wondering why someone could be so warm, so convincing, so emotionally intimate one moment, and then so distant the next, please hear this: You did nothing wrong. You weren’t “too much,” you weren’t naive, and you weren’t imagining things.

You were dealing with someone who lacked the depth, honesty, emotional availability and maybe sadly confidence, required for real connection.

This experience doesn’t define your future, it clarifies your standards… AGAIN!

It doesn’t diminish your value, it exposes THEIR limitations And it doesn’t mean love won’t find you, it means you’re learning to recognise who’s truly capable of offering it.

You deserve consistency, You deserve sincerity, You deserve someone who doesn’t disappear when things get real, but grows deeper into them with you, and however much you internalise this, and feel the rejection badly, think, your value, and your worth has not been diminished because of this, it’s yet, sadly another fucking learning curve! (Do they ever cease)

So hold your head high, and say my fave saying ‘Shit happens’ –

Why Dating Feels Hard in 2025: Romance, Apps & Real Connection

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Modern dating feels harder than ever. From dating apps to emotional disconnect, here’s why relationships feel complicated in 2025 , and why real romance isn’t dead.

How Do We Meet People These Days , and Can We Still Find Something Real?

There was a time when meeting someone happened almost by accident. You’d bump into someone in the supermarket, catch a stranger’s eye in a coffee shop, (we all know this happens to me all the time lol) or be introduced through a friend, and romance seemed to unfold naturally. Our grandparents didn’t have dating apps, social media or an endless stream of profiles. If they found someone attractive, they simply had to talk to them or the moment would pass forever and sometimes I do wonder whether that made them braver. Not necessarily more confident, just more present in real life because they didn’t have another option.

These days, even if you see someone across a cafe whom you’re drawn to, you probably look away, second-guess yourself, or assume they’re unavailable. I’m the girl on a night out, who gets called ‘stuck up’ because I wear an engagement ring, when I’m single, and refuses to talk to anyone, and so be it, if people want to knock me for that, but I have this deep rooted personal issue, of not wanting to give people the wrong idea, and then when someone is attractive I’m too bloody shy to chat anyway, so apps have been for me the only way to truly meet someone.

Modern dating culture has conditioned us to believe that real-life connection is unusual, almost surprising, when not so long ago it was the most natural way people met. It’s not that our confidence has disappeared; it’s that the world around us has changed. Our social circles have become smaller, our work-life routines more insular, and the unspoken rule now is that if you’re single, you should be on a dating app.

In 2025, dating apps have become the dominant way to meet people. You match, chat, hope, and repeat. And while dating apps open doors, they also create complications. There’s choice overload, emotional burnout, lack of effort, and this strange feeling that everything has become disposable. Even though a large percentage of newly married couples meet online now, and around a third of adults have used apps, not all of them feel that deeper sense of connection or relationship satisfaction. In fact, some research suggests that couples who meet offline tend to feel more stable and more connected long term. So while apps give us access to more people, they don’t necessarily make it easier to find something meaningful.

What feels hardest in modern dating is how quickly things shift when two people start to genuinely like each other. You can meet someone amazing, feel a spark, be open and honest about how you feel, and suddenly the other person goes cold. It’s a pattern so many of us recognise now, and it hurts. Honesty, which should bring people closer, often seems to push one person away, And in 2025, people are terrified of being seen as “too keen,” “love bombing,” or “moving too fast,” so they hold their feelings back and hope the other person will magically intuit how they feel, and it all falls to shit! Sorry to be blunt but it does, ‘He’s not into me’ is what I think, and then as soon as I call it off, he’s like, ‘I really like you’ – TOO Late, i’ve checked out!

There are psychological and biological layers to this. When we meet someone who excites us, our bodies release dopamine and adrenaline the “new attraction” chemicals. It feels intense, addictive, hopeful. But after a few weeks, those chemicals naturally settle. If the connection doesn’t develop into deeper bonding — the oxytocin stage — the initial rush fades. Many women tend to become more emotionally invested during that bonding period, while some men may start feeling pressure, uncertainty or emotional withdrawal. It isn’t universal, but it helps explain why one person leans in while the other pulls back, and even the emotionally stable, can still be like this, I have seen men and women so incredibly self aware, not understand the biology of this period.

Then there’s the lifestyle side of modern dating. So many people say they want a relationship, yet their behaviour shows something different. They want the companionship, but not the compromise. They want closeness, but not change. We’ve normalised this idea of “this is my life — if you want me, you fit into it,” making relationships feel like something that must not disrupt personal freedom. The result? Many people like the idea of love far more than they like the reality of having to make space for it. Everyone these days is like “I love my own space”, “I enjoy my own company” – Great, good for you, but are you realising a real relationship that won’t fail = Adaptations, effort and change!

This is especially painful when you’re a giver. I know this personally. I’m a selfless person by nature — I care, I give, I show up for others emotionally and physically and because of that, people often take me for granted. I’ve experienced it in dating, friendships and even family. People get used to you being the one who understands, who adjusts, who nurtures, who comforts, who puts in the extra effort and they begin to rely on it without ever matching it. Takers are often drawn to givers because givers make their lives easier and givers, hoping for reciprocity, often hold on longer than they should. It’s a hard, painful imbalance that has become more visible in today’s dating world. I mean we are not going back to the Giraffe and Lion story, you don’t have to be a narcissist to feed off others…

It also ties into something else: fear of losing freedom. Modern dating has created a culture where people want emotional security without sacrificing independence. They want someone, but they don’t want to change anything about their life to accommodate that someone. They want connection, but not commitment that requires effort, and unless two people are equally ready to show up emotionally and practically, dating becomes an exhausting game of mismatched expectations.

But even with all of this, the apps, the fear, the disposability, the emotional imbalance, I do still believe romance exists. Not in a grand, cinematic way, but in the quiet, steady ways two people show up for each other. There are people who want to go above and beyond emotionally. People who want to care deeply, build a partnership, prioritise each other, and make their partner feel chosen and valued. These people are absolutely out there, even if they get overshadowed by the noise of modern dating apps, they could very well sat on dating apps, and they could be sat there with an inbox full, but waiting for someone like you, to show up!

The truth is, being on your own isn’t a failure. If anything, it’s where your strength grows. Being single gives you space to understand who you are, what you want, what you deserve, and what your boundaries are. Your independence becomes an asset, not a barrier. When you stand strong in yourself, you choose better. You stop tolerating less than you deserve. You recognise taking behaviour sooner. And you attract people who value your strength instead of draining it. You need to look in the mirror and love who looks back a you, love that person, and realise they need nurturing above anyone and all else. I make this a priority of mine, I look in the mirror or I take a selfie, and tell myself, Kerry you are worth more.. so do the same and never stop.

So yes, dating apps might be the main way to meet someone in 2025, and spontaneous real-life encounters might be rarer, however that doesn’t mean real love has disappeared. It means we approach dating with more awareness, more intention, and more self-worth. It means we stay open, but grounded. Hopeful, but realistic and it means we believe that the right person, whether found on an app, in a coffee shop, or through a friend, will match our effort, not take advantage of it. They will make space for us, not ask us to shrink. They will honour our giving nature, not drain it.

Romance is still alive. Good people do still exist. And no matter how complicated modern dating becomes, it’s always worth giving someone a chance when they show you they’re ready to show up too.

If we don’t keep taking chances , how will we ever know…