Tag: Life

The Girl Who

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

1 am Kerry.

The girl who was never really seen.

The girl who learned to read a room before she learned to read a book.

The girl who knew when to be quiet, when to disappear, when to hold her breath and wait for the storm to pass.

The girl who experienced things no child should ever have to live through.

The girl who learned that sometimes the people who should protect you are the people who hurt you.

The girl who grew up too quickly, The girl who learned to cope, to adapt, to make herself small, to survive.

The girl who carried pain that wasn’t hers to carry, and learned to keep going anyway.

The girl who, later in life, found herself in relationships that were unsafe, where love became control,

where kindness could turn to cruelty, and the people she trusted again chose their own needs over her safety.

The girl who learned that home isn’t always a safe place,

and that leaving can be the bravest thing you ever do.

The girl who picked herself up.

The girl who carried herself out.

The girl who learned not to ask for too much, not to need too much, not to expect too much.

The girl who could survive anything.

The girl who turned her pain into purpose.

The girl who fights for every woman to make a stand against those who hurt them.

The girl who believes every woman should be in charge of their own body, their own choices and hold their own agency.

The girl who speaks up when other women are silenced.

The girl who uses her story to support, empower and help other women.

And everyone called her strong.

But nobody knew that strong was simply

what happened when a little girl had no other choice.

Because underneath the woman is still the girl who sometimes wonders

what it might feel like to be someone’s first thought.

The girl who wanted someone to notice when she was tired.

The girl who wanted someone to say,

“You don’t have to be brave today.”

The girl who wanted somewhere safe to put down everything she’s been carrying.

The girl who wanted arms around her that didn’t eventually let go.

The girl who wanted to be loved

without having to be so strong all the time.

The girl who wanted to know what it felt like to be rescued, without having to fall apart first.

She didn’t want saving because she was weak.

She wanted to be held because she had been holding herself for far too long

And now, when I look back at her, I don’t see a girl who was broken.

I see the girl who survived

The girl who kept going even when nobody knew how hard going was.

But perhaps she deserves more than survival.

Perhaps she deserves to know what it feels like when somebody else stays.

When somebody else holds on.

When somebody else looks at her and decides,

“T’ve got you.”

Maybe every girl out there is a girl who doesn’t need rescuing, but needs somebody to notice.

A girl who needs to be loved.

A girl who needs to be held.

A girl who needs someone just to hold out their hand and say, “I’ve got you”

Because in each and every one of us, there is

‘A Girl Who.’

We’ve all overcome things in our lives that have brought us to where we are now.

And maybe, just maybe, we can stop trying to rescue ourselves and not be ashamed to ever ask for help.

Is Marriage Dead in 2026? Or Have We Just Forgotten How to Love?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

As I drive past a wedding dress shop today driving to my studio, I look through the window and think, oh my God. I’m in love.

Not necessarily with a particular dress, not even necessarily with the idea of the wedding itself, but with what those dresses represent.

Love.

Commitment.

Romance.

Two people standing in front of the people they love and saying, I choose you.

Not just today, not just while it feels easy, not just while we agree.

But I choose you.

Perhaps that is why I find myself wondering something that feels increasingly uncomfortable to ask in 2026:

Is marriage dead?

I don’t want to believe it is, Actually, I really don’t.

As a Christian woman, I believe in marriage. I believe in the beauty of making a commitment to another person. I believe in getting married in a church, standing before God and making promises that mean something.

I know not everybody believes the same way and that’s absolutely okay, but what I do wonder about is when we collectively started treating commitment as though it were somehow embarrassing.

When did marriage become just a piece of paper?

When did two people declaring their love, respect, dedication and commitment to each other become something we could dismiss with one sentence?

“It’s only a piece of paper.”

Really?

Because that piece of paper represents a promise.

And perhaps the promise is the bit we’ve forgotten how to value.

We don’t want to settle anymore and that’s a good thing.

Let me be clear about something before anybody starts shouting at me. I am not suggesting that people should stay in unhappy, abusive, neglectful or destructive marriages.

Absolutely not.

For generations, people stayed in relationships they should never have been expected to stay in. Women, in particular, were often financially dependent on their husbands, socially pressured to remain married and told that leaving was shameful.

We have every reason to be grateful that things have changed.

You don’t have to stay somewhere that destroys you. You don’t have to tolerate abuse in the name of commitment. You don’t have to spend your life desperately trying to make something work when the other person is unwilling to meet you halfway.

But somewhere between “I don’t have to settle” and “I don’t have to tolerate anything I don’t like”, I wonder whether we’ve lost something.

The ability to try.

Because there is a difference between settling for someone who isn’t right for you and learning how to love someone who isn’t perfect.

And none of us are perfect.

Not you.

Not me.

Not the person sitting opposite you at dinner.

The statistics tell us something is changing

Marriage hasn’t disappeared.

In England and Wales, there were 231,949 marriages and civil partnerships in 2023, with marriage still overwhelmingly the most common form of legal partnership formation. But the longer-term picture shows that marriage is changing. The number of marriages in England and Wales was 20.8% lower in 2022 than it had been in 1992.

And in 2025, married or civil-partnered people were still the largest legal partnership group among adults aged 18 and over in England and Wales, but their share had fallen from 52.3% in 2015 to 51.1%. At the same time, the proportion who had never married or civil partnered had risen from 32.6% to 34.9%. 

So no, marriage isn’t dead, however it isn’t what it once was, and perhaps that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

People are marrying later. In 2023, the median age at marriage for opposite-sex couples was 34.8 for men and 33.0 for women. More than nine in ten couples marrying in 2021 or 2022 were already living together before marriage. 

We’re taking longer, We’re thinking more carefully, We’re choosing differently, but are we also becoming less willing to work at love?

That’s the question I’m interested in.

When did we become a throwaway culture?

I sometimes wonder whether dating has become a little bit like online shopping.

Swipe.

Match.

Message.

Meet.

Evaluate.

Reject.

Next.

There are always more options.

And when there are always more options, why would I work on the one in front of me?

Maybe there’ll be somebody better.

Maybe somebody more attractive.

Maybe somebody more exciting.

Maybe somebody who doesn’t annoy me.

Maybe somebody who agrees with me more.

Maybe somebody who gives me more butterflies.

And so we keep searching.

But here’s the problem.

Eventually, you can become so obsessed with finding the perfect person that you never learn how to build something imperfect with a real one.

You have one disagreement.

“This isn’t going to work.”

They don’t text in exactly the way you want.

“They’re emotionally unavailable.”

You have a difficult conversation.

“We’re incompatible.”

You sleep together sooner than you intended and suddenly the excitement changes.

“I don’t think I’m feeling it anymore.”

And off we go.

Next…Next….Next.

At what point did people become replaceable?

Whatever happened to wooing somebody?

Maybe I’m a traditionalist, actually, I know I am, but I like romance.

I like getting dressed up for a date, I like putting effort into how I look. I like somebody making an effort with me and no, before anybody says it, I’m not talking about wanting somebody to pay for my dinner.

I’ll happily pay fifty-fifty.

It’s not about getting a free meal.

It’s about effort.

It’s about anticipation.

It’s getting ready and wondering what they’re going to wear.

It’s butterflies in your stomach.

It’s sitting across from someone and talking over each other because you’ve got so much to say.

It’s losing track of time.

It’s that moment when they reach across the table and touch your hand.

It’s smiling when their name appears on your phone.

It’s going home thinking, Oh my God, I really like them.

It’s being giddy.

Perhaps we’ve become so afraid of looking foolish that we’ve stopped allowing ourselves to be romantic.

We don’t want to seem too keen.

Don’t reply too quickly.

Don’t text first.

Don’t show too much interest.

Don’t get attached.

Don’t let them know you like them.

Don’t give them too much power.

Keep your options open.

And suddenly two people who genuinely like each other are both sitting there pretending they couldn’t care less.

What a strange way to fall in love.

The 20-minute coffee date

And this is where modern dating really makes me laugh.

“Let’s just grab a quick coffee.”

Twenty minutes.

Thirty minutes.

Something casual.

Something easy.

No pressure.

No effort.

No risk.

And I understand why people do it.

Dating can be exhausting.

Nobody wants to spend three hours with someone they discover they don’t like. I sometimes wonder whether we’ve become so frightened of wasting our time that we’re not giving people enough time to show us who they are. What can you really learn about somebody in twenty minutes?

You might learn whether they are attractive to you.

You might learn whether conversation flows.

You might get a feeling.

But you probably haven’t seen how they treat the waiter.

You haven’t heard them talk about their childhood.

You haven’t discovered what makes them laugh until they can’t breathe.

You haven’t seen how they respond when something doesn’t go their way.

You haven’t heard their hopes.

You haven’t seen their vulnerability.

You haven’t watched them become comfortable enough to stop performing.

And maybe that’s the problem.

We’re assessing people before we’ve actually met them.

And then there’s sex

This is another area where I think we’ve complicated dating enormously.

Two people meet.

There’s chemistry.

They sleep together.

And suddenly the rules change.

The dopamine rush settles.

The chase disappears.

And instead of asking:

“Who is this person?”

we sometimes start asking:

“Why did they sleep with me so quickly?”

Or:

“Why didn’t they make me wait?”

Or:

“Do they do this with everyone?”

And suddenly we’re judging the person based on the speed at which intimacy happened.

But what about everything else they’ve shown you?

Are they kind?

Are they funny?

Are they honest?

Are they emotionally generous?

Do they listen?

Do they make you feel safe?

Do they have integrity?

Do they show up?

Do they treat people well?

Are they interesting?

Do they make you laugh?

Do they make you feel like yourself?

Why can one decision about sex suddenly erase everything else?

I’m not saying people shouldn’t have boundaries.

Of course they should.

I’m saying that perhaps we’ve become very good at reducing complicated human beings to one decision, one mistake, one night or one moment.

And then we discard them.

The divorce paradox

Here’s the really interesting part.

In England and Wales, the divorce rate actually peaked decades ago.

ONS data shows that divorce numbers reached their highest point in 1993, while the longer-term divorce rate has since declined. In 2023, there were 102,678 divorces, with the divorce rate at 8.6 per 1,000 married men and 8.5 per 1,000 married women. 

So perhaps the story isn’t simply that everyone is getting divorced. It’s more complicated than that. Marriage itself is less common. 

People marry later. 

More people cohabit.

More people remain unmarried.

And when people do marry, they have more legal and social freedom to leave relationships that aren’t working.

That’s progress in many ways.

But perhaps we now have a different problem.

Not “Why can’t I leave?”

But:

“Do I leave too quickly?”

There’s a huge difference.

The other side of the world

I was curious about what this looks like elsewhere too, particularly because so many people who read my work are in America and China.

And what I found was fascinating.

China isn’t some romantic haven where everyone stays together forever.

Quite the opposite.

Marriage rates have been falling significantly there too. In the first half of 2024, 3.43 million couples registered marriages, the lowest first-half figure since 2013. Full-year 2024 registrations subsequently fell by around a fifth, according to reporting based on official Chinese data. Researchers and officials have pointed to factors including the cost of marriage and raising children, economic uncertainty, demographic change and shifting attitudes among younger people. 

Japan is experiencing its own dramatic changes.

Its government has become sufficiently concerned about declining marriage and birth rates that Tokyo has even developed initiatives designed to help people meet potential partners, including an AI-supported matchmaking service. Reuters reported that the initiative was launched against a backdrop of declining marriage rates and a significant number of unmarried middle-aged people and young adults who had never dated. 

And America?

Again, it isn’t a simple story.

The US marriage rate has remained relatively stable over the longer period examined by the Census Bureau, while its divorce rate has declined substantially from 2008 to 2022. 

So we can’t simply point at another country and say, “They value relationships more than we do.”

Human beings are complicated.

Culture matters.

Economics matter.

Religion matters.

Gender expectations matter.

Housing matters.

Childcare matters.

Dating apps matter.

And people’s individual experiences matter.

But there is one thing that seems to be happening across many developed societies:

Marriage and long-term relationships are changing.

Have we confused standards with perfection?

This is where I think we need to be really honest with ourselves. Having standards is healthy, having boundaries is healthy, knowing what you won’t tolerate is healthy, however there is a danger in turning a list of standards into a search for a flawless human being.

Because eventually, somebody will disappoint you.

They’ll say the wrong thing.

They’ll have a bad day.

They’ll misunderstand you.

They’ll irritate you.

You’ll irritate them.

You’ll disagree.

You’ll have different needs.

You’ll have an argument.

And that’s when the relationship actually begins.

Because the first few months of dating aren’t really a test of whether you can get along. You’re both on your best behaviour.

The real test is what happens when the fantasy meets reality.

Do we communicate?

Do we apologise?

Do we listen?

Do we compromise?

Do we seek counselling?

Do we learn about attachment?

Do we understand each other’s wounds?

Do we take responsibility for our own behaviour?

Do we try to become better partners?

Or do we simply decide that the person is defective and start looking for a replacement?

What if the person isn’t the problem?

This is something I think we desperately need to talk about.

Sometimes the person in front of you isn’t wrong for you.

Sometimes you aren’t ready for what a healthy relationship requires.

Maybe you’ve spent years protecting yourself.

Maybe intimacy scares you.

Maybe you’re avoidant.

Maybe you’re anxious.

Maybe you’ve never learned how to communicate.

Maybe conflict sends you running.

Maybe you expect rejection.

Maybe you’ve never seen a healthy relationship modelled.

Maybe you don’t know how to receive love.

Maybe you’ve never learned how to give it properly.

And none of those things make you broken.

But they might mean you have work to do.

And imagine if instead of saying:

“This relationship isn’t working.”

we sometimes said:

“What can I learn from this?”

What if we went to therapy?

What if we learned to communicate?

What if we confronted our own patterns?

What if we became a better version of ourselves, not because somebody demanded it, but because we genuinely wanted to love somebody well?

That isn’t settling.

That’s growth.

Perhaps we’ve become too good at protecting ourselves

We talk a lot about self-protection now.

Protect your peace.

Protect your energy.

Don’t let anybody disturb your peace.

Cut them off.

Block them.

Walk away.

And sometimes that advice is absolutely necessary.

But if we take it too literally, we can end up building such a fortress around ourselves that nobody can get in.

And then we wonder why we’re lonely.

You cannot have deep intimacy without vulnerability.

You cannot have commitment without risk.

You cannot build a lifelong relationship without occasionally being disappointed.

And you certainly cannot love somebody without sometimes being hurt.

The answer isn’t to avoid every possible source of pain.

The answer is learning how to recognise the difference between normal relationship difficulty and genuine harm.

One requires communication.

The other may require leaving.

We need to know the difference.

I still believe in the wedding dress

So when I drive past that wedding dress shop and look at those beautiful dresses, I don’t feel silly for getting a little bit emotional.

I still believe in it.

I believe in the romance.

I believe in getting dressed up.

I believe in flowers.

I believe in walking down the aisle.

I believe in holding someone’s hand and promising to stand beside them.

I believe in marriage.

And as a Christian, I believe there is something deeply meaningful about making that commitment before God.

But I also believe the wedding is the easy bit.

The photographs are easy.

The flowers are easy.

The dress is easy.

The champagne is easy.

The Instagram post is easy.

The marriage is the work.

It’s waking up beside someone when you’re annoyed with them and choosing kindness anyway.

It’s having the difficult conversation.

It’s saying sorry.

It’s forgiving.

It’s asking for help.

It’s learning.

It’s changing.

It’s laughing when things go wrong.

It’s holding each other when life becomes unbearable.

It’s choosing each other again and again.

Not because you have to.

Because you want to.

Maybe marriage isn’t dead. Maybe patience is.

Perhaps marriage isn’t dead in 2026.

Perhaps patience is.

Perhaps we’ve become so accustomed to instant gratification that we’ve forgotten that the most beautiful things in life often take time.

We want instant chemistry.

Instant certainty.

Instant compatibility.

Instant answers.

Instant happiness.

And the moment something becomes difficult, we’re told there is another option waiting around the corner.

But what if there isn’t?

What if the person you walked away from was actually wonderful?

What if the argument could have been repaired?

What if the relationship could have grown?

What if you hadn’t needed another person?

What if you needed to become a different version of yourself?

And I’m not saying this because I think everybody should stay in every relationship. I’m saying it because I think we should become more honest about our own behaviour. Before you decide they’re the problem, ask yourself what part you played. Before you decide they’re not right for you, ask yourself whether you’ve actually given the relationship a chance. Before you walk away, ask yourself whether you’re walking away because the relationship is genuinely wrong for you…

or because intimacy is frightening.

Because commitment is frightening.

Because vulnerability is frightening.

Because you’ve been hurt before.

Because another person cannot give you the perfect relationship you imagined and before you start looking for somebody better, ask yourself whether you’re actually capable of loving the person in front of you.

Because perhaps the greatest tragedy of modern dating isn’t that there are no good people left.

Perhaps it’s that good people are finding each other and then throwing each other away before they’ve had the chance to become something extraordinary.

And maybe, just maybe, we need to start trying again.

We need to court again.

We need to woo again.

We need to make an effort again.

We need to put our phones down and talk.

We need to dress up.

We need to flirt.

We need to hold hands.

We need to let ourselves get butterflies.

We need to stop pretending we don’t care.

We need to learn how to disagree without destroying everything.

We need to stop expecting perfect people.

And perhaps we need to remember that love isn’t just a feeling that happens to us.

Love is something we participate in.

Something we nurture.

Something we protect.

Something we build.

Something we choose.

And maybe that’s why I still look at wedding dresses and think:

Oh my God.

I’m in love.

Not because I believe marriage guarantees happiness.

But because I still believe there is something incredibly beautiful about two imperfect human beings looking at each other and saying:

“Out of everyone in this world, I choose you.”

And then waking up the next morning…

and choosing each other again.

And again.

And again.

Maybe marriage isn’t dead.

Maybe we just need to remember why we wanted it in the first place.

When Success Meets Love: Do High Achieving Men Have Room for Relationships?

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Exploring communication, ambition, emotional availability, marriage, children and the difference between being busy and having relationship capacity

Why do high achieving men struggle with relationships? Explore ambition, communication, emotional availability, marriage, children and relationship capacity.

There is a particular kind of dating confusion that can happen when you meet a highly successful man.

He works hard, he travels, he has a demanding career, he has meetings, dinners, networking events, friends, family, the gym, projects, responsibilities and a diary that appears to have been organised by someone with a personal vendetta against free time.

He is ambitious. Driven, Successful, Independent… and then there is you.

Waiting for the good morning text…Wondering why there wasn’t a goodnight message.

Looking at your phone and thinking:

He said he’d call. Then, at 10.47pm:

“Sorry, just got in. Crazy day.” And you think:

Is he genuinely that busy? Does he actually like me? Is this just what successful men are like? Am I expecting too much?

Or does he simply not have the capacity for a relationship?

This is where dating becomes less about reading messages and more about understanding behaviour, because being busy and being emotionally unavailable are not necessarily the same thing.

However sometimes, they can look remarkably similar…

High achievement does not automatically equal relationship capacity

We often make assumptions about successful people. If someone has built a successful company, developed an impressive career, accumulated wealth, travelled the world or reached a senior position, we can unconsciously assume they must also be highly emotionally intelligent and capable in relationships. However career competence and relationship competence are different skill sets.

Someone can be exceptional at business and struggle with intimacy. Someone can be brilliant at negotiation and terrible at expressing feelings. Someone can manage a team of hundreds of people and struggle to communicate consistently with one person they are dating. Someone can be incredibly disciplined professionally and chaotic romantically.

Achievement tells us something about what someone can accomplish.

It does not necessarily tell us how much emotional space they have available for another person.

And that distinction matters.

Is it a London thing?

Let’s get this out of the way.

It is not that London men are genetically incapable of sending a text.

Although sometimes, after dating for a while, you might reasonably begin to wonder. London has a particular rhythm.

Fast careers, Long working hours, Commuting, Client dinners, Networking, Travel, Property, Finance, Law, Entrepreneurship, Corporate life and Social commitments. There are people who genuinely work extraordinarily long hours, but there is another cultural element too.

Some highly successful people become exceptionally good at functional communication.

They can negotiate a multimillion pound deal.

They can manage a team.

They can organise a property development.

They can coordinate ten people across three countries.

But ask:

“How are you feeling about us?”

And suddenly the WiFi goes down.

Functional communication is easy.

“Meeting at seven.”

“I’m in Manchester.”

“Can’t do Thursday.”

“Call you tomorrow.”

Relational communication requires something different. It requires curiosity, vulnerability, consistency, emotional presence… And some people have simply never developed those muscles.

A high achieving man can still make room for connection

This is the bit I think women sometimes need reminding of.

A genuinely busy man can still send:

“Morning you. Crazy day today, but I’ll call you tonight.”

That takes seconds.

Or:

“Just got home and I’m absolutely shattered. Hope you’ve had a lovely day. Sleep well.”

Again, seconds.

Communication is not necessarily about having hours available.

It is about making room for connection within the time you actually have.A person does not need to be permanently attached to their phone to demonstrate interest, but they do need to demonstrate that the relationship exists somewhere within their priorities.

That is the difference…

There is a difference between being busy and being unavailable

A busy but emotionally available person might say:

“I’ve got a manic day today, but I’ll call you tonight.”

And then they call.

They might not message constantly, but they keep you informed.

They make plans.

They follow through.

They remember things you’ve told them.

They show curiosity about your life.

They don’t leave you perpetually guessing.

Someone with very little relationship capacity may look different.

They disappear for long periods.

Plans remain vague.

You initiate most of the contact.

They repeatedly cancel.

Communication happens when it suits them.

You receive affection in bursts rather than consistency… and you find yourself spending more time interpreting their behaviour than actually enjoying the relationship.

That’s exhausting.

The real issue may be consistency

We often ask:

“Does he like me?”

But perhaps the better question is:

“Is he consistent?”

Because someone can absolutely like you and still be a terrible communicator. Someone can be hugely attracted to you and still not have the emotional bandwidth to build a relationship. Someone can think you’re wonderful and still have a lifestyle that leaves no meaningful space for intimacy and someone can communicate brilliantly in the beginning because they are pursuing you, only to become inconsistent once the initial excitement settles.

So communication frequency is not necessarily the measure of interest.

Consistency, initiative and follow through are much more revealing.

A man does not have to text you every hour.

He does not need to report his movements.

He does not have to be permanently attached to his phone.

But you should be able to understand the rhythm of his communication.

You should not constantly be wondering where you stand.

Does he actually have relationship capacity?

This, for me, is the more interesting question.

We talk endlessly about whether somebody is attractive enough, successful enough, funny enough, wealthy enough, interesting enough or compatible enough.

But what about capacity?

Someone can have enormous financial capacity.

Career capacity.

Social capacity.

Sexual capacity.

And still have very little relationship capacity.

A person can be extraordinarily successful and genuinely have almost nothing left emotionally by the end of the day.

That does not make them a bad person, It does not mean they do not care. However it may mean they are not currently able to offer the kind of relationship another person needs. You cannot create emotional availability for somebody else. You cannot love someone into having more capacity. You cannot become sufficiently attractive, interesting or sexually compatible to manufacture time and emotional bandwidth that simply is not there.

And then there is the question we do not always want to ask

Is it because he does not like me enough?

Sometimes, yes.

But not always.

And I think this is where dating advice can become unnecessarily simplistic.

“If he wanted to, he would.”

It is catchy.

It is also not always true.

Adults have jobs.

Children.

Businesses.

Families.

Responsibilities.

Travel.

Stress.

Life.

People can care deeply about someone and still be inconsistent communicators, but the reverse is also true. Someone can tell you they are incredibly interested while giving you very little actual relationship behaviour. That is why words alone are not enough.

Look at the pattern.

Do not become a detective

This is perhaps one of the most emotionally draining parts of modern dating. You start analysing everything. He did not say good morning.

Why?

He normally calls at lunchtime.

He did not today.

Is he losing interest?

He said he was working late.

Was he really?

He has been online.

Why has he not replied?

He sent a heart yesterday and nothing today.

What does that mean?

Suddenly you are not dating anymore.

You are conducting an investigation.

And if you spend more time analysing someone’s communication than experiencing their companionship, something needs to change.

Not necessarily because they are doing something terrible.

But because the relationship is creating too much uncertainty.

Intermittent communication can become strangely powerful

There is another psychological reason inconsistent communication can feel so consuming. When attention and reassurance arrive unpredictably, they can become disproportionately attention grabbing.

One day there is affection, attention and connection.

Then silence.

Then a lovely message.

Then distance.

Then suddenly they are intensely interested again.

That unpredictability can make the connection feel more significant rather than less.

You start waiting for the next little hit of reassurance and that can create a cycle where you are constantly monitoring the relationship. This is why consistency matters so much.

Healthy connection does not need to be relentless.

It needs to be predictable enough that your nervous system is not constantly asking whether you are safe in the relationship.

What about the good morning and goodnight texts?

I love this conversation because people sometimes dismiss these things as needy.

They are not inherently needy.

They are preferences.

Some people genuinely enjoy little moments of contact throughout the day.

A good morning message.

A quick call.

A goodnight text.

A little:

“Thinking of you.”

Those things can create a feeling of continuity.

Other people do not naturally communicate that way.

Neither person is automatically wrong.

The question is whether their communication styles are compatible.

You do not need somebody who communicates exactly like you.

But you probably do need somebody whose communication style does not leave you chronically deprived.

High achievement can create a very autonomous lifestyle

There is something else worth considering. The more successful someone’s life becomes, the more independent it can become. They may be used to making their own decisions.

Controlling their diary.

Travelling when they want.

Working when they want.

Living where they want.

Spending their money how they want.

Managing their own environment.

That independence can be wonderful.

But relationships require something slightly different.

They require consideration.

Negotiation.

Compromise.

Flexibility.

Making decisions with another person’s needs in mind.

The question is not whether a successful man should give up his independence.

Of course he should not.

The question is whether he has learned how to integrate another person into an already highly autonomous life.

Because a relationship is not simply adding another person to your existing lifestyle. At some point, two lives have to begin making room for each other.

High achievement does not equal emotional maturity

This is another trap in dating. We can unconsciously assume that because someone is successful, intelligent, wealthy or highly accomplished, they must also be emotionally sophisticated.

Not necessarily.

Someone can run a successful business and struggle with intimacy.

Someone can be brilliant at negotiation and terrible at expressing feelings.

Someone can be highly disciplined professionally and chaotic romantically.

Someone can have enormous ambition and very little emotional availability.

Oh and sometimes, the very qualities that helped someone become successful can make relationships more challenging…

Drive can become workaholism.

Independence can become emotional distance.

Confidence can become an unwillingness to compromise.

A packed diary can become a life where nobody else really fits.

None of these things are inevitable.

But they are worth noticing.

If marriage and children are the goal, when do you make room for them?

There is another part of this conversation that we do not talk about enough.

What happens when a highly successful man reaches his 40s and says:

“I want to get married.”

“I want a wife.”

“I want children.”

Those are wonderful ambitions.

But if they are genuinely important, they cannot remain permanently in the category of “one day.”because relationships take time.

You do not simply meet someone on Tuesday, decide you want marriage on Wednesday and have a family by Friday.

You have to meet.

Date.

Get to know one another.

Work out whether your values align.

Discover whether you communicate well.

Establish sexual and emotional compatibility.

Navigate differences.

Build trust.

Develop commitment.

For couples who want children, there is another reality that needs to be acknowledged.

Fertility is not completely under our control.

Female fertility declines with age, particularly from the mid 30s onwards, and fertility difficulties become more common as women get older. That does not mean women in their 40s cannot have healthy pregnancies. They absolutely can. It does not mean every couple will experience fertility difficulties either.

But it does mean that fertility should not be treated as an unlimited resource that can simply be dealt with later.

This is where I think some high achieving men may need to have a more honest conversation with themselves. If you genuinely want marriage and children, when are you going to create the space for the relationship that could lead to them?

Because waiting until your mid 40s and then assuming:

“I’ll just find a younger woman.”

is not necessarily the straightforward solution people imagine.

Firstly, the woman has to want you.

Secondly, she has to want the same kind of relationship.

Thirdly, your values and lifestyles need to align.

Fourthly, she has to want children with you.

And fifthly, you still have to build an actual relationship.

Age does not magically manufacture compatibility.

A younger woman is not a fertility strategy. She is a person.

She has her own ambitions.

Her own timeline.

Her own relationship history.

Her own standards.

Her own hopes for marriage and family.

And she gets to decide whether the life someone is offering is one she wants.

This is not about blaming men for prioritising their careers

Ambition is not a problem, Success is not a problem. Wanting financial security before having children is not a problem. Building a career before settling down is not a problem.

The issue is whether the life you are building leaves room for the life you say you want.

If marriage and children are genuinely important, then partnership needs to become part of the architecture of your life rather than something you hope will somehow fit into the leftover space.

And there is an uncomfortable irony here.

Some highly successful men spend their 30s and early 40s building extraordinary careers, businesses, wealth and independence, while telling themselves that relationships and family can be prioritised later.

Then later arrives.

And suddenly they discover that dating is not an Amazon Prime catalogue where you simply select the age bracket you would like delivered to your door.

There are real human beings involved.

Women have their own ambitions.

Their own children or desire for children.

Their own fertility considerations.

Their own relationship histories.

Their own standards.

And they get to decide whether the life someone is offering is one they want.

And women have agency too

This conversation is not about telling women to wait patiently for a successful man to eventually decide he is ready.

We are allowed to ask questions.

What are you actually looking for?

Do you want marriage?

Do you want children?

What kind of timeline do you have in mind?

Do you actually have the capacity to build that relationship?

Those are not unreasonable questions when two adults are dating with serious intentions.

We do not have to be endlessly understanding of someone’s career while quietly putting our own needs on hold.

We do not have to become the easiest woman in the world to accommodate.

And we do not have to pretend that our time, our emotional energy and our hopes for the future are somehow less important because someone else’s career is impressive.

You cannot build a family with someone’s potential

This might be one of the most important lessons in the entire conversation. You cannot build a relationship with someone’s potential. You cannot build a marriage with what someone says they will eventually become. You cannot build a family with a future version of someone who might one day have more time.

You build it with the person who is actually showing up.

That does not mean someone needs to have everything figured out before they meet you…None of us do.

But there needs to be evidence that they are capable of creating space for the life they say they want.

So how do you know whether there is room for you?

Perhaps not by counting texts.

Perhaps not by analysing how quickly he responds.

Perhaps not by deciding that three hours without a reply means he has lost interest.

Look at the broader pattern.

Does he make plans?

Does he keep them?

Does he communicate when plans change?

Does he check in?

Does he remember?

Does he call when he says he will?

Does he ask questions?

Does he listen?

Does he show curiosity about your life?

Does he make space?

And perhaps most importantly:

Do you feel like a person he is building a life around, or an appointment he is fitting into one?There is a huge difference.

You do not need to win a place in someone’s diary

I think this is perhaps the biggest lesson. When we are attracted to someone who is highly successful, it can be easy to start treating their availability as a prize.

He gave me Thursday.

He called me.

He’s fitting me in.

He’s finally got some time.

But a relationship should not permanently feel like you are trying to secure an appointment.

You do not need to compete with someone’s career.

You do not need to become the easiest woman in the world to accommodate.

You do not need to suppress your needs so you do not look demanding.

You need to discover whether there is mutual room.

Because ultimately, relationships are not built from spare time.

They are built from intentional time.

And perhaps this is the real question

Not:

“Is he busy?”

Not:

“Does he like me?”

Not even:

“Why doesn’t he text more?”

But:

“Does this person have the capacity to build the kind of relationship I actually want?”

Because a man can be wonderful.

He can be successful, kind, attractive, funny, interesting, ambitious and driven.

He can genuinely like you…And still not have the capacity to give you the consistency and communication you need.

That does not necessarily make him wrong.. And girl, it does not make you needy.

It may simply mean your lives, expectations and emotional rhythms do not fit and that is something worth discovering early, because the goal of dating is not to convince somebody to make room for you.

It is to find out whether there is naturally enough room for both of you.

And sometimes, the most useful piece of information a person gives you is not what they say.

It is the pattern of what they repeatedly do.

I’ve Finally Popped My Dating Cherry

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you’ll probably know something about me already.

I don’t really date, well I haven’t… not since splitting with my Child father.

That probably sounds ridiculous coming from someone who spends so much time talking and writing about relationships, attachment styles and modern dating, but it’s true.

Throughout my adult life I’ve tended to meet one person, spend weeks talking to them, build an emotional connection, and before I know it, we’re either in a relationship… or I’m left wondering what happened… which has happened really only the last few years, which I do attribute to the whole Dating scene in general these days.

I’ve always been an “all my eggs in one basket” kind of woman.

Until now.

This week, something changed.

Quite unexpectedly, a last minute change of plans led me to a date in Leeds this week, with someone I’d only just matched to, and it was actually really lovely.

It was lovely.

There is no long term future because he’s moving to Dubai, but that’s almost irrelevant. Sometimes people come into your life simply to remind you what healthy interaction feels like.

He was funny, Confident, Direct, No games, No mixed messages, No trying to decode whether he was interested.

No disappearing for several days only to reappear with a vague excuse.

Just… straightforward.

And do you know what surprised me most?

It made me realise what I’m actually attracted to, the kind of man I need..

It’s Not Just About Looks

Anyone who knows me well laughs that I clearly have “a type.”

In fact, my best friend joked yesterday that all my exes look like clones of one another. “Did this one look like a clone too?” she asked, and they really do.

Not quite.

But what attracted me wasn’t actually just his appearance. It was his communication. His confidence, His ability to say exactly what he meant.

It dawned on me that I don’t just find confidence attractive. I find clarity attractive. There’s something incredibly reassuring about someone whose actions match their words.

Someone who isn’t afraid to communicate.

Someone who doesn’t leave you wondering.

Someone who doesn’t make you work out whether they’re interested.

That’s attractive, that’s what creates chemistry.. uncertainty does not equal chemistry.

The Difference Between Online and Real Life

One thing I’ve also realised recently is how easy it is to create assumptions about someone online.

You can read someone’s LinkedIn posts, See polished Instagram captions, follow someones whatssap status, read articulate dating profiles, Watch their videos and naturally you begin building an impression of them, but social media isn’t conversation. The sense of humour and depth people put out to their nearest and dearest, isn’t for new people to presume or judge on, but maybe we give too much of ourselves to people who don’t deserve it, people who haven’t earned that priviledge just yet . I don’t think people do not necessarily judge on purpose, however people form a perception and fill in their own gaps, without giving the person they’ve never met a true opportunity.

Also there are so many people who communicate brilliantly online because they have time to think, edit and even use AI tools to polish what they want to say.

Then you meet them in person…

…and it’s completely different.

Sometimes the confidence disappears.

Sometimes the conversation struggles to flow.

Sometimes the emotional intelligence you imagined simply isn’t there.

It reminded me that chemistry isn’t something you can predict through a phone screen.

I’ve Always Put All My Eggs in One Basket

This has probably been my biggest dating pattern, Meet one person, Focus solely on them, Invest emotionally, Stop noticing everyone else, Build hope, Build expectations.

Wait.

And wait some more.

Looking back now, I can see why.

Psychologists often describe this as an investment strategy. Once we begin emotionally investing in someone, our brain naturally starts filtering out alternatives. People with anxious attachment tendencies, or simply those who value commitment highly, often focus deeply on one connection because exclusivity feels emotionally safer than spreading attention across multiple people.

Research has also shown that once people imagine a future with someone, they’re more likely to overlook incompatibilities and continue investing, even when the relationship isn’t progressing.

I can definitely recognise myself in that.

This Week Felt Different

For the first time, I found myself chatting to more than one person, Not because I’m playing games, Not because I’m collecting options, Not because I enjoy endless messaging.

Quite the opposite, I just know I’m dating with intention. There’s a huge difference, I’m getting to know people, Having conversations. Seeing whether there’s compatibility.

Allowing people the opportunity to show me who they are before emotionally investing everything into one person.

And honestly?

It’s been refreshing, but wow hard work. I’m struggling to chat, but know I have to, and it’s not going too bad.  I’ve realised how much emotional pressure I’d unknowingly placed on previous situations. When you only have one person in your mind, every message matters.

Every delay matters.

Every cancelled plan matters.

Everything feels amplified.

Now?

I’m simply enjoying getting to know people.

There’s far less pressure.

Far less overthinking, Far more curiosity.

Learning From My Last Situation

I’d spent around eight weeks chatting to someone recently. We never actually met. Looking back, there was a clear imbalance. Not necessarily because either of us were bad people. Simply because our communication styles were completely different.

Would we have been compatible in person?

I’ll never know, and that’s okay. Sometimes people aren’t chapters.

They’re lessons.

Rather than feeling disappointed, I found myself naturally friend zoning that situation before deciding to start dating properly, I tried to hold off and felt I gave it my all and showed the full me, understanding, patience, kindness and a part of me that I only show those super close, however I realise, maybe I shouldn’t have shown up like that, when you’ve never met someone they can’t ever know or see the real you.

Moving on wasn’t about replacing anyone.

It was about recognising that if something isn’t moving forwards, it’s okay to keep living your life, and coincidently the night I was going on a date, was the night our communication ceased.

Dating With Intention Isn’t The Same As Dating Casually

I think this is where people sometimes get confused. Dating multiple people doesn’t automatically mean sleeping with multiple people.

Those are two completely different things. For me, dating simply means meeting people.

Having conversations, on the phone (Yep the last situation weirdly spent 8 weeks texting and not one call – Yes I should of read the signs).

Going for Walks, Laughing, Learning. Seeing whether there’s compatibility.

I’m actually clearer now than I’ve ever been.

I don’t want casual sex, I have never felt the need for casual sex, because a few hours of madness, can leave you feeling awful the next few days..

Perosnally for me, I don’t need validation. I’m not looking for excitement for the sake of excitement. 

I’m looking for my person.

The next person I’m intimate with will be someone with whom I’m building something meaningful.

That’s my choice and it feels incredibly peaceful.

A Little Excitement

Last night I caught up with an old flame, We’ve both already agreed it’s not a date, and as he picked me up, he’d brought me a coffee for the journey, laughing at the fact he knows I hate coffee dates. 

It’s simply two people catching up. I felt super comfortable, no pressure, no expectations.

Just two people seeing whether they enjoy each other’s company.

And honestly? I loved wearing a pretty dress, linking arms and walking around the Docks was so pretty, Being myself, with someone who knew me, and although it was essentially just friends catching up, we flirted and it felt nice.

For the first time in a very long time right now, dating doesn’t feel scary.

It feels exciting, its crazy to think I’ve only had half a dozen dates the last few years, but right now, I feel comfy at just the chatting stage and maybe there maybe one or two more dates to pencil, but hey no rush. 

Maybe This Is What Healthy Dating Actually Looks Like

Perhaps I’ve finally realised something important. Dating isn’t about desperately hoping every person becomes “the one.”

It’s about allowing enough space for the right person to reveal themselves, to meet in person, and not judge too early. It’s about curiosity instead of pressure.

Connection instead of obsession.

Intentionality instead of urgency.

I’m still dating for a relationship.

That hasn’t changed.

But I’m no longer dating from scarcity. I’m dating from abundance.

There’s a huge difference.

So yes…

I’ve finally popped my dating cherry.

Not because I’ve suddenly become someone who dates endlessly, I can’t suddenly just change who I am, but because, for the first time, I’m allowing myself to enjoy the process rather than trying to rush towards the destination.

Wish me luck.

I have a feeling this chapter might be a good one… and I thought I would add in a few interesting Dating facts..

• Surveys consistently find that many users of dating apps talk to multiple people at once before becoming exclusive. This isn’t necessarily because they’re less serious, but because it helps them avoid becoming emotionally invested before compatibility has been established.

• As Relationship therapists, we often recommend delaying heavy emotional investment until you’ve spent time together in person. Messaging can create a false sense of intimacy because our brains naturally fill in the gaps with assumptions.

• Studies on modern dating suggest that clear, consistent communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. It’s often less about saying the “right” things and more about reliability, honesty and emotional availability.

• People who date with intention typically report focusing on shared values, emotional maturity and consistency over initial chemistry alone. While attraction matters, long-term compatibility is built through communication, trust and aligned life goals rather than butterflies alone.

The Missing Ingredient: Are We So Busy Living That We’ve Forgotten to Love?

TheGirlWhoLeave a comment

I feel like, in today’s day and age, we’re forgetting our age.

We’re forgetting how quickly time passes us by.

We’re spending so many years trying to cling on to our youth. Desperate to be seen. Desperate to be validated. Desperate to keep our options open. Desperate to have variety when it comes to sex. Desperate not to settle down too soon, commit too quickly, or somehow miss out on something better that might be waiting around the corner.

But in doing all of that, I wonder if we’re actually missing one of the most crucial ingredients of a genuinely happy life.

Love.

Meaningless hookups don’t make a happy life.

Yes, they might leave you feeling happy for a night. Maybe even for 24 hours. There’s excitement. There’s attraction. There’s validation. There’s that temporary high of being wanted.

But then what? 

Who do you call when something incredible happens?

Who hugs you when you’ve achieved something you’ve worked years for?

Who knows the tiny details of your life that wouldn’t mean anything to anybody else?

Who do you turn to and say, “Fuck it. Should we just go on holiday?”

Who do you build the memories with?

I seldom talk about myself personally in my blogs. As a coach and trainee therapist, I’m conscious of boundaries and how much of myself I bring into the work that I do, but on this occasion, I thought, why not… because recently I’ve started to realise something that actually brings me a great deal of sadness.

Some of the best years of my life, I’m spending alone.

We all look towards the future and think, I don’t want to grow old and be lonely.

But what if we’re looking too far ahead?

What if some of us are spending the best years of our lives alone right now?I’m in my 40s. I feel good in myself. I’ve done an enormous amount of healing, I’ve worked on myself, body and mind, I’ve built a life. I’m raising my child, I’m studying, I’m working,I’m travelling. I’m achieving things I’m proud of. Yet, sometimes, I look around at my friends who are in relationships.

They’re off to Italy. Mykonos. America. Australia.

They’re seeing the world. they’re going for date nights, they’re having weekends away. they’re building a collection of memories that belong to the two of them.

And then there’s me…. 

Going on my solo trips, Travelling with my child, waiting to see who can get childcare and plan that once a year night out…

And don’t misunderstand me, I absolutely love travelling with my child. Those memories are some of the most precious memories of my life. 

I have friends. I have family. I have a child I adore, I mean I’m not always sitting at home with nobody in my life… lol, But sometimes I sit there and think:

I’d love some romance in my life.

I’d love somebody to share all of this with.

I thought, last year, that maybe I’d found that.

It wasn’t meant to be.

If I’m completely honest, it felt like 50% of the relationship was love bombing and the final three months were spent with me acting as a personal therapist. The push pull dynamic, never knowing where you stand is Toxic, and not for my own attachment style at all..

Wrong person… Wrong relationship. 

Perhaps even the wrong relationships can teach us something about what we actually want. I remember being in Ibiza once and going on a date with a gorgeous Portuguese guy called Francisco. We had such a good date.He took me for a beautiful dinner. We went for drinks. We talked.

And at one point, he looked at me and said:

“Kerry, do you get lonely?” as we talked about what it’s like to be single..

And I said no.

Because I’m not lonely… Not in the traditional sense of the word, more so in an empty bed kind of way! As a mother, I have my child. I have friends. I have family. I have people I love and people who love me.

But there’s a particular kind of connection I miss.

I miss my person.

Recently, I completed another year of study. I got the message congratulating me on passing and in that moment, I missed having somebody there to congratulate me.

Someone to give me a hug.

Someone to ask how I felt.

Someone who understood how much work had gone into getting there.

And equally, I miss being that person for somebody else.

I miss praising someone.

I miss making somebody feel good.

I miss having someone walk through the door and being genuinely excited to hear about their day.

I miss having somebody say:

“Fuck it. Should we just go on holiday?”

Or:

“Should we go out tonight?”

I miss the spontaneity that comes from having somebody to do life with.

And recently I’ve realised something.

Life is just passing by.

We’re such slaves to work. Slaves to money. Slaves to our schedules. Slaves to this idea that we need to have everything sorted before we’re allowed to make room for love.

We tell ourselves:

I’m too busy.

I’ve got too much going on.

I haven’t got the capacity for a relationship.

Maybe when work calms down.

Maybe when the children are older.

Maybe when I’ve healed a little bit more.

Maybe when I’ve achieved this.

Maybe when I’ve sorted that.

But when exactly is life going to become completely uncomplicated?

Probably never.. and I think I’ve been guilty of this too.

Sometimes I push people away because I tell myself I’m not ready.

I tell myself I don’t have the time or capacity for a relationship because I’m so busy with work, but maybe they just haven’t been the right people.

Because there’s an important distinction here.

I don’t need anybody, but I would like somebody.

There’s a huge difference.

But I also wonder whether some of us have become a little too good at not needing anybody.

We celebrate independence. We celebrate the person who has been hurt, picked themselves back up, built their own life and learnt how to stand completely on their own two feet and rightly so.

However, psychologically, there’s something interesting that can happen when you’ve spent a long time having to rely on yourself. Independence can become more than a strength. It can become protection.

You become so accustomed to solving your own problems that asking for help feels uncomfortable. So used to carrying everything yourself that letting somebody carry something for you feels almost unnatural. So capable of regulating your own life that allowing another person into it starts to feel like a disruption rather than an addition and perhaps that’s where hyper-independence can creep in.

There’s a difference between I can do this alone and I must do this alone.

There’s a difference between choosing independence and being so afraid of depending on another human being that you never allow yourself to experience interdependence, the healthy middle ground where two capable people choose to lean on each other without losing themselves.

I think that’s something I’ve had to question within myself.

Am I genuinely too busy for a relationship?

Or have I become so accustomed to doing everything myself that I’ve convinced myself there simply isn’t room for another person?

Because maybe the goal was never to need nobody.

Maybe the goal was to know that I could survive alone, while still allowing myself to admit that life might be nicer shared.

I don’t want somebody because I can’t survive alone. I’ve already proved that I can. I don’t need someone to rescue me. I don’t need somebody to financially support me. I don’t need somebody to give me an identity.

I’ve built my own life.

But being capable of doing life alone doesn’t necessarily mean I want to do all of it alone. I want somebody who matches my energy.

I want somebody who asks me how I am in the morning.

“Good morning, baby. How did you sleep?”

Someone who checks in during the day.

“How’s your day going?”

Someone who says goodnight.

“Goodnight, darling.”

It doesn’t have to be constant communication. We’re adults. We’re busy. We have jobs. Children. Responsibilities.

However, I miss those little moments of knowing that somewhere in the world, somebody is thinking about you.

That ten-minute phone call at night:

“I just thought I’d ring you. I miss your voice.”

That’s what I miss.

That person checking in.

That person to share it all with.

Although, I have female best friends whom I’m incredibly grateful for, I miss having a best friend who is also my partner.

Someone who’s your lover, your teammate, your safe place and the person you laugh with over something nobody else would find remotely funny.

When I became single and left my child’s father, I left because I needed to find myself, I needed to find happiness, I needed to heal. I needed to grow and spread my wings like a butterfly.

I had been in an unhappy relationship, but I was also very unhealed and very unhappy within myself at the time.

So I left, I found myself, I built a different life and somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I always assumed I’d meet somebody.

When I met someone in 2025, I remember thinking:

Yeah. I’m ready for this.

Sadly, he wasn’t the right person.

I chose wrong.

However that doesn’t mean wanting the relationship was wrong.

Lately, I’ve had the strangest feeling, I can’t even properly comprehend it. I almost feel like maybe there’s a relationship around the corner. Of course I’ve chatted to people. I’ve been on a couple of dates over the past couple of years, but recently I’ve found myself looking at the people in my life and wondering:

Have I already met him?

Is it somebody I’ve never had a relationship with before?

Could it be somebody from my past?

For me, it’s rarely going to be somebody old because I don’t particularly like looking backwards, an ex is an ex for a reason….

Or is he somebody I haven’t met yet?

I genuinely don’t know.

I just have this weird gut feeling I’ve had for the last few weeks that maybe there is somebody out there for me.

Perhaps the bigger realisation is this:

Maybe I have to make myself available for him.

Not available in the sense of downloading every dating app and desperately searching for a relationship.

Emotionally available.

Making space.

Stop telling myself I’m too busy.

Stop telling myself I’ve got too much stress.

Stop telling myself I’ve got too much pressure.

Maybe if I let the right person in, some of that stress wouldn’t feel quite so heavy. Maybe life isn’t supposed to be something we carry entirely by ourselves.

So what are we doing as human beings?

Why do we push away good things because we tell ourselves we haven’t got time for them? the irony is we’re right.

We haven’t got time.

Just perhaps not in the way we think.

We haven’t got unlimited time.

We’re spending it every single day.

We’re just not always spending it on the things that will matter when we look back.

I look at my own life and think:

I’m always working.

I’m studying.

I’ve got my child.

Where exactly am I supposed to fit a relationship into all of this?

But then I think about last year, I had fewer staff, I was arguably even busier.

Yet somehow I fitted a relationship in perfectly.

It worked, It worked around childcare, It worked around work.

We gave each other time.

Sometimes it was simply a couple of nights a week being in his arms and it was nice.

Again, wrong person.

Perhaps that relationship taught me something important. When the cards are actually on the table and a relationship is genuinely on offer, I can make space for it.

Maybe I do want a relationship…. Actually, I know I do.

Because I don’t want to spend the best years of my life, in my prime, creating all these incredible memories and have nobody beside me who remembers them too.

I don’t want to meet somebody in my 50s and say:

“Do you remember when I did this?”

“Do you remember when I went there?”

And then realise: No. Of course they don’t.

Because they weren’t there.

Sometimes I look at older couples who’ve spent decades together. They’re old, they’re grey, life has slowed down, yet they have this enormous invisible library between them.

A lifetime of memories.

“Do you remember that holiday?”

“Do you remember when the children were little?”

“Do you remember that ridiculous restaurant?”

“Do you remember when we got completely lost?”

“Do you remember when we couldn’t stop laughing?”

Their bodies have aged, their lives have changed, but they have decades of remember whens. I’ve come to realise something I genuinely didn’t think I’d ever say.

I’m not just ready for love.

I’m ready for somebody to share my life with.

I’m ready to build memories with somebody.

I’m ready to grow alongside somebody.

I’m ready to create a family life together.

I’m ready for a partner.

..and believe me, I’m quite stubborn. It’s taken me a while to admit that.

Because our culture celebrates independence—and rightly so.

We tell people:

You don’t need anyone.

Learn to love yourself.

Be happy alone.

Don’t settle.

Know your worth.

And all of those things are important.

But I wonder whether somewhere along the way we’ve taken a healthy message and pushed it too far. We’ve started confusing independence with emotional isolation. We’ve started treating needing connection as weakness. We’ve become so frightened of appearing needy that sometimes we’re afraid to admit we have needs at all. We tell ourselves that the second somebody doesn’t meet every expectation, we should cut them off.

That there’s always another option.

Another swipe.

Another person.

Another date.

Another body.

We’ve created endless choice while somehow becoming increasingly disconnected and I wonder whether modern dating has inadvertently taught us to approach human beings like products.

We scroll. We swipe. We compare.

Too short.

Too tall.

Too available.

Not available enough.

Too keen.

Not keen enough.

Wrong job.

Wrong location.

Wrong shoes.

Next.

Of course, having standards is important. Boundaries are important. Compatibility matters enormously, but the paradox of having so much choice is that sometimes, instead of making us more certain, it can make us less satisfied with whatever we choose.

There’s always the lingering possibility that somebody better might be one swipe away and relationships don’t work particularly well when we’re constantly looking over somebody’s shoulder to see who else has just walked into the room.

I also wonder if we’ve created something of an avoidant dating culture.

Not because everyone is avoidantly attached, that would be far too simplistic, but because many of the behaviours modern dating normalises can look remarkably similar to emotional avoidance.

Keeping things casual, Keeping your options open, Not defining the relationship. Pulling away when things become emotionally intense. Ghosting rather than having an uncomfortable conversation.

Moving on to somebody new rather than working through vulnerability with the person standing in front of you.

We call it freedom.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes, I wonder if what we’re actually doing is becoming incredibly skilled at avoiding attachment, because real intimacy isn’t found in endlessly meeting new people. It’s built when you stay long enough for somebody to actually know you. Not the version of you on the first date. Not your best photographs. Not your funny stories. Not the version who is effortlessly cool and definitely doesn’t care whether they text back.

You.

And perhaps that’s the uncomfortable thing about love. At some point, you have to stop browsing.

You have to choose.

And then you have to allow yourself to be chosen too.

Maybe that’s why some of us are still single.

Not because there’s nobody good enough out there, Not because we’re broken, Not because love isn’t meant for us, but because somewhere along the way, we became so good at protecting our peace that we forgot love requires us to open the door occasionally.

Of course, boundaries matter, Mine certainly do. If somebody consistently doesn’t give me attention, effort or emotional availability, I will walk away.

I don’t need to chase anybody.

There’s a difference between having boundaries and building walls. There’s a difference between recognising the wrong person and never giving the right person enough room to get close and perhaps that’s the question some of us need to ask ourselves:

Are we genuinely unavailable because life is too busy, or are we using busyness to protect ourselves from being vulnerable again?

Because love does require vulnerability. It requires making room. It requires allowing another human being to matter to you and yes, that means they could hurt you.

But they could also love you. They could also make an ordinary Tuesday feel like something worth remembering. They could be the person sitting beside you decades from now saying:

“Do you remember when…?”

So I asked myself a very simple question.

What do I actually want?

Do I want money? Not particularly.

As long as I have enough to pay my bills and live my life, I’m happy.

Do I want a healthy, happy child? More than anything in the world.

Do I want love? Yes.

Do I want happy memories? Yes.

Do I want a lifetime of togetherness? Yes.

I do.

Maybe that’s the ingredient we’re missing.

Not another achievement, Not another pay rise, Not another follower. Not another person finding us attractive. Not another meaningless hookup. Not another opportunity to prove we don’t need anybody.

Maybe it’s simply having somebody beside you who makes you feel glad you’re alive.

Someone to witness your life.

Someone whose life you get to witness too.

Someone to celebrate with.

Someone to comfort.

Someone to travel with.

Someone to laugh with.

Someone to come home to.

Someone who remembers.

Because one day, if we’re lucky, we’ll all grow old and perhaps the question isn’t only:

Who will be there when I’m old?

Maybe the question we should be asking ourselves now is:

Who do I want to build the memories with that we’ll talk about when we get there?

I don’t need somebody to complete my life.

My life is already full.

But I’ve finally realised… I’d quite like somebody to share it with.

Maybe I’ve spent long enough telling myself I’m too busy for love, because the truth is, life isn’t waiting for any of us to become less busy.

It’s happening now and I don’t want to miss it….

2026 – The year Choosing Me: The Moment I Stopped Waiting to Be Chosen

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There’s a truth I’ve had to learn the long way round:

Sometimes you have to experience the wrong people to finally understand your worth.

Not in a cliché way and not in a “everything happens for a reason” way, but in a very real, very lived way, where each connection leaves a mark, teaches you something, and slowly pulls you back to yourself.

I’ve loved different kinds of men.

Last year I met the one who felt electric at the start, passionate, intense, everything turned up to 100. The sex was something else, I mean girls, there is good and then there is WILD! Insane until it wasn’t. Until the warmth turned into walking on eggshells. The subtle put-downs. The control disguised as care. The disappearing acts followed by apologies that reset everything… until the cycle began again and I lost myself in that, not just emotionally, but physically too. So swept up in the sex, attention, gifts and love-bombing, I suddenly realised after watch him down pink cocaine for two weeks, that this was not the kind of man who should be in mine or my Childs life.

Then came along a good man, Kind-hearted, Safe, I thought. Someone I let myself open up to in a way I hadn’t in a good few years. We built something slowly, calls, messages, shared moments across distance, it felt so familiar… And then… he shut down.

No warning. No gradual fade. Just a switch.

One minute, he was planning a weekend with me, so excited I was in his country. The next, it was “this feels like pressure, I should respect my boundary, I can’t do long distance”, That kind of emotional whiplash does something to you. It doesn’t just hurt, it changes how you see people. How you trust. How you show up. I’m so glad I didn’t have sex with him, because in all honesty seeing his insecurities at play with avoidance, makes me feel there would have been disappointment. I think it felt familiar, because it threw me back into the summer of 2023, another situation, the calls, messages, consistency, deep intimacy on all levels except sex.

and somewhere underneath all of that, there’s been another truth sitting quietly in my life:

There is someone I love… who didn’t choose me, and it was after the experience with my Californian guy, I realised, it simply reminded me of that! The heartbreak of 2023, where I wasn’t chosen, but had fallen anyway..

For a long time, I told myself it was limerence, Infatuation. Something I’d grow out of, however time has a way of clarifying things, not erasing them and the truth is some feelings don’t fade just because they’re inconvenient, they simply get avoided.

But here’s what I’ve realised:

Someone not choosing you doesn’t make them “the one.” It makes them unavailable.

The Pattern I Couldn’t Ignore

There’s something else I started to notice.

Men would leave… choose someone else… build lives with other women.

Then years later, they’d come back, Telling me I was always the one, That they see me now, That they made the wrong choice. It happened last summer. I had a call, with an ex asking to meet me, I was seeing the narcissist at the time, and I declined, but he pushed and pushed, so I agreed ten mins in a public place only. I showed up, and was met with, basically I was the one perfect for them, I was the one they loved, I was the one aligned, I was so shocked, but its not the first time this has happened.

But by then, it’s too late, Because love isn’t just about recognition, It’s about timing. It’s about courage. It’s about choosing.

And I deserve to be chosen in real time, not in hindsight.

I appreciate if things don’t work out with someone else they chose, and then try and rekindle, but I will never be the other woman, whilst you keep someone there incase I say NO, and I did say NO!

The Misunderstanding of Who I Am

I think part of my story is this:

People think they know me when they first meet me, I get judged all the time. They see confidence, Strength, Independence.
They assume I’m “a lot.”, That I’ll be hard to handle. People see the Kerry now before them, not the Kerry I was for all of my life, they see the girl with the lips, the tan, the hair, taking images and posing, and they see me in a certain way, because that’s what their ind interprets.

But the truth?

In a relationship, I’m soft, I’m calm, I’m loyal, I’m simple in what I want.

A quiet life.
A genuine connection.
A partner to build with, not perform for.

And it’s only later, when they’ve already chosen someone else, that they realise actually she’s the opposite to who she comes across as, But I’m not waiting around to be understood after the fact anymore. Judgement is on them, Darlings, not me!

What I See Clearly Now

I see the half-effort.

The “let’s plan something” followed by inconsistency.
The words that don’t match actions.
The low-level energy that expects access to me.

And I’m done with it, yep over it! You will remain in the archived, because quite frankly, I cannot be arsed seeing your face!

Because here’s the truth:

There is no attraction without consistency.
There is no connection without effort.
And there is no future where I am not fully chosen.

What I Actually Want

It’s not complicated.

I want someone grounded, Calm, Emotionally available.
Someone who values routine, health, stability. Someone who has kids already, maybe similar age to my child, so we can just enjoy watching the kids grow, rather than the stress and worry of having another! I love my life now to start all over again with a new baby. Someone who wants to build a life, not escape into one.

A home.
A partnership.
A quiet, real kind of love, that will last

Not the loud, chaotic kind that burns fast and leaves damage behind.

Just… a good man…

Here’s Where Everything Changed

At some point over the last 8-9 months, something shifted in me. In that time, I dated a narcissist, was sexually assaulted by someone I went on a date with, and then I met the ultimate avoidant. This was all meant to happen, and I don’t say that to minimise it, I say it not through bitterness or coldness, but

Clarity.

I realised I’ve spent so much time pouring into other people, trying to understand them, support them, love them, hold space for them…And not enough time choosing myself. Too much time not filling up my own cup.

So now?

I’m not chasing.
I’m not convincing.
I’m not waiting to be picked.

You either show me, consistently, clearly, and show that you choose me…
or you don’t get access to me at all...

There is no in-between anymore my body, my mind, my heart. No, you are not welcome!

It’s taken 42 years to reach this point, and I realise, I’m worth something, and it’s a deep routed find, and wow, my eyes are open.

For Any Woman Reading This

If you’ve ever felt like the one they come back to… but never the one they choose first…

If you’ve ever been “almost” loved properly…

If you’ve ever questioned your worth because someone couldn’t meet you where you are…

This is your reminder:

You are not too much.
You are not misunderstood.
You are not “almost.”

You are just no longer available for half-hearted love, and please hold your value high, hold it for someone who offers consistency, but offers to show up to! Not just a lunchtime meet in costa! Because the coffee dates are devaluing romance!!

However the true message stands, the moment you truly choose yourself, set your boundaries and recognise your value matters, is the moment the shift will happen!

Title: The “Minus 3, Plus 3” Dating Rule: Why Staying Within Your Age Range Leads to Better Relationships

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In a world where dating apps expand your options endlessly and social media blurs generational lines, it’s easy to believe that age is “just a number.” However in reality, age often reflects something deeper, life stage, emotional maturity, priorities, and shared experiences. That’s where the “minus 3, plus 3” dating rule comes in.

This rule is simple: date people within three years younger or older than you. While it may sound restrictive at first, it’s actually a powerful guideline for building healthier, more compatible relationships.

Let’s break down why this approach works and why straying too far outside your age range can lead to frustration, imbalance, or emotional disconnect.. and can we just be clear? Just because a person can appear younger, crave to be younger and believe in their own heads they are younger… they are not! Remember that!

What Is the Minus 3, Plus 3 Rule?

The minus 3, plus 3 rule suggests that your ideal dating pool lies within a six-year window—three years younger to three years older than you.

For example:

  • If you’re 30, your ideal range would be 27–33
  • If you’re 25, your ideal range would be 22–28

This isn’t about limiting your options, it’s about increasing your chances of finding someone aligned with you.

Why Age Range Matters More Than We Think

Age isn’t just about numbers; it’s about timing.

People within a similar age bracket are more likely to:

  • Be in comparable life stages
  • Share cultural references and experiences
  • Have aligned priorities (career, relationships, family goals)
  • Match in emotional development

When these elements align, relationships feel more natural and less forced.

The Reality of Dating Outside Your Age Range

Many people who date significantly older or younger partners report similar patterns:

1. Dating Much Older: The “Parental Dynamic”
You may find yourself with someone who feels more like a mentor or even a parental figure—than a partner. This can create:

  • Power imbalances
  • Differences in lifestyle pace
  • Misaligned expectations about the future

Instead of growing together, one person often leads while the other follows.

2. Dating Much Younger: The “Emotional Gap”
On the flip side, dating someone significantly younger can come with its own challenges:

  • Emotional immaturity
  • Different communication styles
  • A focus on validation, attention, or social status

You may feel like you’ve outgrown behaviors they’re still navigating.

The Science Behind Age Compatibility

Research consistently shows that couples with smaller age gaps tend to have stronger, longer-lasting relationships.

  • A study from Emory University found that couples with a 1-year age difference had a 3% chance of divorce, while those with a 5-year gap saw that risk jump to 18%, and 10-year gaps increased it to 39%.
  • Relationship satisfaction tends to decline as age gaps widen, largely due to differences in priorities and life timing.

While exceptions exist, the trend is clear: similar ages often mean similar expectations and that’s key for stability.

Shared Life Stages = Stronger Connection

Being in the same life stage makes a huge difference in how a relationship functions.

Think about:

  • Career growth vs. career stability
  • Wanting to go out vs. preferring quiet nights
  • Building a future vs. figuring yourself out

When both people are navigating similar phases, there’s less friction and more understanding.

Emotional Maturity Isn’t Just About Age, But It’s Linked

While emotional maturity varies from person to person, age often plays a role in shaping it.

Within a close age range:

  • Communication styles are more aligned
  • Conflict resolution tends to be healthier
  • Expectations around commitment are clearer

When there’s a large gap, one partner may feel like they’re “carrying” the emotional weight of the relationship.

The Social and Cultural Factor

Shared references matter more than we realise.

From music and trends to technology and social norms, people in the same age group often:

  • Understand each other’s humour
  • Share similar formative experiences
  • Relate to each other’s perspectives more easily

These small connections build a strong foundation over time.

When You Ignore the Rule: What Often Happens

Stepping outside the minus 3, plus 3 range doesn’t always fail, but it often introduces avoidable challenges.

You might encounter:

  • Misaligned goals (settling down vs. still exploring)
  • Differences in emotional availability
  • Conflicting views on lifestyle and priorities

Over time, these gaps can become harder to bridge.

Why the Rule Supports Dating Success

The minus 3, plus 3 rule isn’t about limiting love, it’s about increasing compatibility.

It helps you:

  • Avoid mismatched expectations
  • Build relationships on equal footing
  • Create deeper emotional connection
  • Reduce long-term conflict

Ultimately, it sets you up for a partnership where both people grow together—not apart.

Final Thoughts

Dating within your age range doesn’t guarantee success, but it significantly improves your odds.

When you choose someone close to your age, you’re more likely to find:

  • Shared values
  • Similar life direction
  • Emotional alignment

And those are the foundations of a relationship that actually lasts, however from my own. experiences of dating outside this bracket, esp older men, they can’t stand the thought of getting older, so will mirror you, your interests and play the young at heart card! However darling, chasing validation on Instagram, doesn’t mean you aren’t nearly hitting 50! Beware of the mirror men hey!

If your past experiences have shown you the extremes, partners who feel too far ahead or too far behind, the minus 3, plus 3 rule offers a grounded, realistic approach to finding balance.

Because at the end of the day, the goal isn’t just attraction, it’s compatibility, stability, and mutual growth, and deep down security. An older man chasing a much younger woman, shows insecurity and vulnerability on their behalf, most of the time leading to discard, cheating and avoidance. It’s a boost to their ego, and deep down now, if I had to choose to date out of that bracket, it would be younger.. younger men aren’t chasing youth… (Yet)!!!

However do not let this post put you off, many successful relationships still work, but then there are some men who are just rare and at whatever age hold the capacity to love.

When two different people come together and learn to love one another…. ‘The Soul Mate Connection’

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One of the most beautiful things about relationships is how two completely different people can come together, two individuals with their own interests, personalities, histories, and ways of seeing the world, and slowly begin to grow alongside one another.

At the beginning, you are separate worlds. Different routines, different habits, different comforts. One might love football, the other reality television. One might wake up early and love quiet mornings, while the other thrives at night. In the early stages, these differences can feel noticeable, sometimes even amusing.

But when a connection is real, something subtle and beautiful begins to happen.

Without even realising it, your worlds start to overlap.

You might find yourself sitting beside her watching ‘Love is Blind’, even though you never thought you would Or you might find yourself asking about the football score because it matters to him, and somehow that makes it matter to you too. What once felt like their interest slowly becomes something you share.

Not because you are changing who you are, but because love naturally invites you into each other’s worlds. You start to walk together on a path, a journey of alignment.

This is where the beauty of a true bond lies. Real connection doesn’t erase individuality. Instead, it gently weaves two lives together while still allowing each person to remain fully themselves.

Over time, the shift becomes deeper than shared hobbies or interests.

Their joys begin to feel like your joys.

Their worries begin to feel like your worries.

Their dreams start to intertwine with your own.

Their desires become yours, and yours become theirs. Not in a way that feels forced or sacrificial, but in a way that feels completely natural. Almost effortless.

And this is often when couples begin to say something that sounds strange to anyone outside the relationship:

“We’re basically the same person….”There are not many people who can look at the other and say this.. and that’s when you know you’ve found your person.

Of course, no two people are truly identical. You still carry your own thoughts, experiences, and individuality, however the connection becomes so deep that your emotional rhythms start to align. You begin to understand each other without needing to explain everything. Sometimes a look is enough. A silence can speak volumes.

It begins to feel like you are moving through life with someone who understands you on a level that very few people ever will.

The Feeling of a Soulmate

A true soulmate often doesn’t feel like fireworks. It feels like recognition, it feels like an intensity that overwhelms, engulfs you and blows your mind.

Like meeting someone your soul already understands.

You may notice that your values align naturally. Conversations flow effortlessly. Time together, calls together, feel peaceful rather than draining. Even when you disagree, there is still respect, still care, still a desire to understand each other rather than win.

You start to feel a quiet certainty.

Not the anxious kind of love that leaves you questioning everything, but the calm kind that settles in your chest and says: this feels right, this is my person, we’re basically the same person.

When you meet someone like this, life begins to align in unexpected ways. Your goals start to complement each other. Your emotional worlds feel compatible. You find yourselves growing together instead of pulling in opposite directions.

And that’s when many people say something that captures the depth of that connection:

“We’re the same person.”

Not because you are identical, but because your souls move in the same direction.

When everything aligns, your values, your intentions, your willingness to grow, the connection feels natural rather than forced. Being together doesn’t feel like hard work. It feels like partnership.

Like you are walking the same path…

And when you meet that person, something inside you recognises it. The noise quietens. The confusion disappears.

You simply feel… home…

When Trauma Tries to Protect Us

But there is another side to deep connection that many people don’t talk about.

Sometimes when we meet someone who truly sees us, who truly connects with us, it can feel overwhelming, to much, the boats rocking and it can cause incredible confusion and anxiety.

Not because the connection is wrong — but because it is powerful…

For many people, past experiences, heartbreak, or emotional wounds create protective patterns. We learn ways to cope with pain: shutting down, pulling away, overthinking, creating distance, or convincing ourselves that something is wrong when things actually feel right, but our physiological states tries to overwhelm us and force the pressure on ourselves, that we start to question everything..

Trauma often teaches us to protect ourselves.

But sometimes those protections can appear right when something beautiful is forming.

If someone is used to shutting down when emotions feel intense, they might withdraw from the very connection they’ve always wanted. If someone is used to expecting abandonment, they may start searching for problems that don’t actually exist.

And before they realise it, fear begins to interfere with something that could have been incredibly special.

This is why self-awareness matters so deeply in love….

When you recognise your patterns, when you understand how your past experiences might influence your reactions, you give yourself the power to respond differently.

Instead of shutting down, you pause.

Instead of running, you communicate.

Instead of assuming the worst, you choose curiosity.

Meeting someone who truly aligns with you can feel intense, scary and stir unwanted anxiety and pressures. It can stir emotions you’re not used to feeling. It can make you vulnerable in ways that feel unfamiliar.

But vulnerability is often the doorway to real connection.

Protecting Something That Matters

When you realise you have something special with someone, it’s important to nurture it.

That doesn’t mean the relationship will be perfect. Every connection will have moments of uncertainty, overwhelm, or misunderstanding. But what makes a soulmate connection so powerfu is the willingness to work through those moments together, however apprehensive and fearful you are

Instead of letting fear take control, you choose honesty.

Instead of letting overwhelm create distance, you talk about it.

Instead of pushing someone away when things feel intense, you lean into understanding what you’re feeling and why.

Real love is not just about finding the right person, it’s also about being emotionally aware enough to protect the connection once you find it.

Sometimes that means slowing down.

Sometimes it means communicating your fears.

Sometimes it means learning new ways to handle emotions you once avoided.

But when two people are willing to grow, the connection becomes stronger rather than fragile.

When You Know

When you truly meet your person, interests aside, emotions aside, even past trauma aside… something deeper connects.

Two different people.

Two different lives.

Yet somehow, everything aligns.

Your lives begin to weave together naturally. Your worlds blend. Your hearts recognise something familiar in each other.

And in those quiet moments — when you look at them and feel peace instead of doubt — you may find yourself saying something that captures it perfectly:

“We’re the same person.”

Not because you’ve lost yourselves, but because you’ve found someone whose soul walks beside yours, a heavenly feeling of your person walking alongside you, like the Universe and God have brought you both together..

And when that happens, when everything inside you says this is my person, when love feels calm rather than confusing, when being with them feels as natural as breathing…

You realise something powerful.

You’re home…

You have your person…

Everything Happens for a Reason – The American Dream

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I flew 8,500 kilometres to follow my heart.

Not to chase anything, just to listen to that quiet inner pull that told me I needed to be here. I knew there was a risk. I knew the outcome might not be what I hoped for, and it wasn’t.

What I thought would happen didn’t happen.

But what did happen has changed my life.

Last year was one of the hardest years I’ve ever lived through. I’ve become very good at wearing a mask, hiding the sadness in my eyes, disguising the cracks in my confidence, especially in places where I once felt strong. I show up smiling, even when parts of me are still healing.

This trip stripped that mask away.

The first day here was filled with joy. The second day, it all disappeared. Everything I thought this journey was about was taken from me in an instant and instead of sitting in it, instead of becoming bitter, playing the victim, or feeling sorry for myself, I made a decision.

I chose kindness.

I chose to go out into the world and give what I still had left. Not because I expected anything back, but because being kind makes me feel whole. And if kindness returns, that’s beautiful, but it doesn’t need to.

So I complimented elderly women.

I bought an old man a mango tea.

I spoke to strangers.

I made friends.

I shared socials with photographers.

I laughed with people I’d never met before.

I had conversations with potential love matches that reminded me I’m still open, still hopeful.

And suddenly, this week became a week of discovery.

A week that felt… meant to be.

I’ve always felt drawn to America. No matter where I’ve lived, I’ve rarely felt truly at home, but every time I’m here, especially this time, there’s a deep, unexplainable sense of belonging. Not the kind you get when you’re on holiday and fantasise about a new life, but a quiet knowing. A feeling in my bones that says, this place matters.

I don’t know how that fits into my life yet, especially with a young child and a father who loves him deeply, but I trust that clarity will come when it’s meant to.

One thing that surprised me about LA is how obsessed the world thinks it is with perfection. Beautiful people, perfect faces, flawless bodies. You wonder how you could ever fit in.

And yet… everywhere I went this week, I was met with kindness and unexpected affirmation.

I went on a date with a truly lovely man, someone I’d known only as an Instagram connection for years. He drove an hour and a half just to spend the day with me, showed me the Hollywood sign, took me to dinner in Beverly Hills, and gave me his time and presence. There was no romantic compatibility, but he had one of the most beautiful souls I’ve encountered.

At one point he looked at me and said, “You’re the most American British woman I’ve ever met.”

As we walked around Beverley Hills, he told me to look, and he told me I stood out, He told me people noticed me, everyones heads turned…

And they did.

Women complimented my outfit.

Strangers asked if I worked in TV.

People asked if I modelled.

They told me my hair was fabulous, that I looked pretty, that I carried myself beautifully…

As a 42-year-old woman, that kind of attention can feel uncomfortable, even embarrassing. But this time, I let it in. I needed it. Not for my ego, but for my spirit. For the parts of me that had forgotten their worth.

This trip reminded me of something important:

There are two types of people in this world.

Those who say they are kind, and then hurt others without hesitation.

And those who show kindness through action, consistency, and integrity.

This week showed me exactly which one I am.

I don’t just call myself a Christian — I live it. I believe in the words from Matthew: “Treat others as you would like to be treated.” Being a Christian isn’t about what you say on Sundays; it’s about how you show up when it’s hard. When you’re hurting. When it would be easier to close your heart.

And I won’t close mine.

No matter how much pain I experience, I will never stop being kind.

I will never stop showing up.

I will never stop loving.

This journey, this unexpected, imperfect, emotional trip, has reminded me that everything truly does happen for a reason. I was pulled here for a reason, even if I don’t fully understand it yet.

The Signs I Couldn’t Ignore

As this week comes to an end, I’ve realised it wasn’t just the experiences that changed me, it was the signs, Quiet ones, Gentle ones, The kind you don’t notice unless you’re finally still enough to listen.

Yesterday I sat alone on the beach, the ocean stretched out in front of me, my heart heavy from the emotional rollercoaster of the week. I had a tear in my eye when someone came and sat a few metres away, music blaring from their speaker…. and then it played , Red Red Wine by UB40. You never hear that song anymore, But there it was and I won’t explain why it matters to me only that it does. Deeply. In that moment, looking out across a California beach with that song playing, I knew. I knew why I was here.

Every time sadness crept in this week, I walked, and every time I walked, I was reminded of something familiar, something grounding. One day, while quietly sharing my sadness, Dexys Midnight Runners came on, my life anthem. The song that has carried me through more than anyone knows. Hearing it felt like a nudge: Back in the room, Kerry. You’re okay.

And then there was the word Joe.

Everywhere I looked, it appeared. Cafes, Fridge magnets, Sign, Small ordinary places, to me, it wasn’t ordinary. It reminded me of my son, It reminded me of my Grandad. It gave me strength when I needed it most. Too many times to be coincidence, this week.

There is a reason I’m here. I don’t know what it is yet, and I wish I had the answers now. I trust that one day I will. Whether the reason is joyful or painful, big or subtle, it matters, America has always felt like this to me, I never feel home anywhere, but here.. yes my God, I feel home. There is a pull here, the strongest pull I’ve ever felt.

And no, it has nothing to do with the original reason I came. That chapter ended, not by my choice, but by having my vulnerability met with unkindness, by being left in shock when all I needed was compassion. But instead of letting that define this journey, I chose goodness.

I rode the buses, trams, bikes even though everyone told me not to use public transport, I am no snob and I wanted to feel part of something, To see everything, To experience the city as it really is. I ended up on the weirdest, most wonderful bus journeys through LA’s rougher parts, and then somehow found myself walking through Rodeo Drive, feeling like I’d stepped into a Pretty Woman dream.

And that’s when it hit me.

Life really is special.

Even in pain.

Even in disappointment.

Even when plans fall apart.

Especially then.

This week reminded me that meaning doesn’t always arrive the way we expect, but it always arrives when we’re open enough to receive it, and for that, I am endlessly grateful, and as I conclude this, just finishing a call with my son and his father, I’ve just been told, my ex would move here in a flash, and has offices all over here.. maybe the dream isn’t too far away…

I can’t wait to bring Joe back … Is this home? Let’s see…

The Men of 2025: How my year of Dating Hell, and Hard-Learnt Lessons, can help you spot Red Flags!

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What the hell happened!!??

Sex, fantasy, consistency — and why modern dating keeps breaking women

After a long period of celibacy, I met my ex-boyfriend — let’s call him The Lion. We don’t need his real name.

The Lion, The narcissist.

In fact The grandiose narcissist.

He was very handsome, Beautiful, actually. Perfect white teeth. A full head of hair, (two hair transplants because one wasn’t enough). He was sexy, but not my usual type. I normally go for taller, lean, athletic men with no tattoos. He was huge. Six foot tall, probably six foot wide. Muscly. Strong. Dominant.

He wasn’t my type — and yet something about him completely undid me.

I found him intensely attractive, in a way I hadn’t experienced before. Maybe because he wasn’t my normal type. Who knows. But the sex between us was off the scale. Raw. Animalistic. Lust-driven. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had.

We couldn’t get enough of each other. Sexy weekends away. Him telling me how to dress. The gifts, ( And for anyone who knows me, Im not normally into this) The energy. The chemistry. The obsession.

I almost felt like his doll — something he couldn’t put down, and that, I think, is where most of the attraction came from.

And that’s all it was.

Sex.

There was no substance. No emotional safety. No real love. Just intensity masquerading as connection. My therapist later told me clearly: the “connection” existed because I had been celibate, and my body and mind craved attention.

The first three or four months felt incredible.

Then everything shifted.

The final two months were hell.

I dropped from 9st 4 to 7st 10, living in pure survival mode.

He became verbally abusive — at first subtly, then relentlessly. Comments about my body. My teeth. My weight. My scars. Criticism disguised as jokes or “help.” Tiny cuts, over and over again.

This was a man who knew my history with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia. All the “I want to know everything about you” had been a ploy — to gather ammunition.

I treated him like a king.

He treated me like something and someone he owned…

He’d say things like, “Why do you have this effect on me? I just can’t give you up.”

As if I was the problem. As if I was doing something to him.

Once, sitting in my car, he pulled me onto his lap and said,

“Kerry, you do this to me. I’m not sure I want this, but you have this way of winning me back.”

I hadn’t done anything wrong.

Then he hugged me and said,

“I’m scared I could become abusive towards you — you’re too soft and nurturing.”

Let that sink in.

I’ve been told before that I have a presence, that I make people feel seen. With him, that became a weapon. He leaned into my kindness while resenting me for it.

The worst moment came on a drug-fuelled Ibiza trip. Pink cocaine from 7am to midnight. Then the comedown.

For twelve hours — hotel, airport, plane — he broke me down.

Told me I was a bad person. Needed therapy. Needed to change my career. Needed to look different. This was Loudly, Publicly, to the point people noticed.

Every time I looked away, he physically lifted my chin and told me I wasn’t listening.

I hadn’t done a single thing wrong.

At one point a stranger followed me into an airport toilet and said,

“This is not okay. I’m worried about you, as this is dangerous’

And I still made excuses for him.

That’s how deep it was, and I knew I was hours away from the safety of my own home..

After that, he love-bombed me, Promises. Romance. Safety. Then after one trip, I fell seriously unwell, to the point I was hospitalised for 8 days — He then broke off with me saying ‘I didn’t sign up for this’ – Meaning his Girl in hospital and being super unwell, then nothing. Coldness. Disinterest. Silence.

And that’s when I finally saw it.

This was just sex.

And no sex — no matter how good — is worth fear.

He did wonders to my body sexually I thought at the time, and then I realised, No, I made that happen, I had gone so long without sex that I think anyone could of made that happen.

What he did to my head nearly destroyed me.

He tried to break me.

And I very nearly let him.

Reflection: The Narcissist

This wasn’t love. It was trauma bonding. Intensity without safety. Power without care. He fed on devotion, then punished me for giving it.

Narcissists don’t want partners — they want mirrors, supply, and control.

Lessons Learned: If You Meet a Narcissist

  • Intensity is not intimacy
  • Amazing sex does not cancel abuse
  • If he uses your vulnerabilities against you, leave
  • If your body is deteriorating, your nervous system is screaming
  • Love never requires survival mode

Airport Guy: When Kindness Still Isn’t Compatibility

A few days after splitting with my Ex, I flew abroad with my little boy.

I was still fragile. Still healing. Still very much in recovery mode — physically and emotionally.

At the airport, a man stared at me so intensely it actually made me blush — and I am not easily flustered. I mean, his neck nearly broke turning to look back at me. Later, delayed on my flight, I opened a dating app.

And there he was.

We matched. Of course we did.

Airport Guy.

He was kind, sweet, down to earth, handsome — and back to my usual type: dark, tall, athletic. After everything I’d been through, he felt… safe. Gentle. Normal.

We talked for weeks. He was attentive and consistent with messaging. There was warmth there, ease, laughter. But as time went on, I realised something was missing. There was no real depth. No emotional intelligence. No stimulation that made me feel mentally alive.

Still, I agreed to a date.

And actually, we had a ball.

It was last minute, impulsive, a “fuck it” moment. The evening was easy and fun, and before it ended, we’d already agreed to a second date.

On the second date, he went all out. He booked Louie’s in Manchester and really made an effort. That night, he stayed over. We cuddled, talked, laughed, but lying there, I found myself thinking something that surprised me.

I really fancied him – but I didn’t want sex with him.

Not in that way.

There was attraction, but no pull. No hunger. No emotional spark that made me want to cross that line. And I can’t fake that, nor should I.

We ended up seeing each other six times over several weeks. I kept hoping something would ignite. I wanted it to. He was good company, however instead of things deepening, cracks started to show.

He moaned constantly about the two-hour distance.

He lacked curiosity and depth.

When life got hard, he disappeared into drug-fuelled benders.

One night, he rang me 37 times, completely off his head, telling me he’d fallen for me — but his mind was a mess, I was too far away, and I was “too good for him.”

That sentence told me everything I needed to know.

I don’t do drugs. I won’t tolerate them in a partner, especially after what I’d just survived and while he was genuinely lovely, he was also lost, unhealed, and not self-aware enough to know it — without playing the victim role.

I wasn’t the woman who could save him.

And in truth, I also wasn’t ready to progress intimacy with anyone. You can’t force a spark. It’s either there or it isn’t. And without it, nothing meaningful grows.

So I ended it.

Not because he was bad — but because nice isn’t enough.

Reflection: The “Good on Paper” Man

Airport Guy represents a difficult truth: not every connection that feels safe is right. After abuse, kindness can feel like chemistry — but they are not the same thing.

He wasn’t cruel. He wasn’t manipulative. He was simply unhealed. And unhealed people often look for partners to steady them, soothe them, or anchor them through chaos.

That isn’t partnership — it’s emotional dependency in waiting.

Lessons Learned: When the Man Is Kind but Not Ready

  • Safety alone does not equal compatibility
  • Attraction without depth leads nowhere
  • You cannot build intimacy with someone who avoids their own pain
  • Substance abuse is not a “phase” — it’s a coping mechanism
  • It’s okay to walk away from someone good because you need something right

Choosing yourself doesn’t always mean leaving bad men.

Sometimes it means leaving good men who aren’t capable of meeting you where you are.

The Mistake Guy: When Your Body Knows Before You Do

Then came The Mistake.

We matched on Hinge — and as anyone who’s been on dating apps knows, even getting off them and exchanging numbers takes effort. This man had recently moved back to the UK from Dubai, Ex-soldier. Worked on high-end military contracts, Father of three.

On paper, he sounded solid.

He was intelligent, direct, keen to align. We shared beliefs around supporting the military — but beyond that, there wasn’t much emotional alignment. I felt he tried to force more alignments than there were, and I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him, beyond recognising that he was tall, dark, and handsome.

Still, as always, he was the only person I was speaking to.

He was persistent, offered date after date and even though he lived four hours away, he kept pushing to see me.

At the time, I’d been off work and unwell so on week three of chatting, he badgered me for a date and offered to drive to my city. With hesitation — and, if I’m honest, feeling a little guilt-tripped — I agreed.

On one condition: I would drive myself.

Within minutes of me saying yes, he told me he’d booked a hotel (for himself), chosen the restaurant, and planned the evening. Later, I discovered he’d lied about part of this, but at the time, I put it down to enthusiasm.

When we met, I was late and had misunderstood the bar he’d suggested, so I went straight to the restaurant. Standing at the bar waiting, I suddenly felt someone come up behind me and pick me up and squeeze me.

Anyone who knows me knows I have strong boundaries — and I hate being picked up unexpectedly.

I froze.

I told myself to calm down. He’s just excited to see you.

At dinner, he commented that he didn’t like sitting opposite me. I replied that I was comfortable where I was. When I went to the bathroom and came back, he’d moved to my side of the booth. I felt cornered. I slid back into my seat, forcing him to stand up, and angled my body so I wasn’t fully facing him.

He put his arm around me and went in to kiss me.

I pecked him — more out of politeness and shock than desire.

I think he felt my energy change, because suddenly he pulled back and shifted tone. For the next few hours, he was a perfect gentleman. I relaxed. I enjoyed the date.

And that’s where I made the mistake.

I ignored my intuition — the tight chest, the internal warning — because nothing “bad” had happened yet, and I put it down to my own over-thinking.

What followed was something I won’t detail publicly, but it was enough to teach me a lesson I will never forget.

He is well and truly blocked and I hope our paths never cross again.

Reflection: This Is What Happens When You Override Your Gut

Nothing dramatic has to happen for something to be wrong. Women are taught to override discomfort to avoid appearing rude, dramatic, or ungrateful.

Predatory or unsafe men rely on that conditioning.

Your body recognised danger long before your mind caught up.

Lessons Learned: What Women Need to Hear About “The Mistake”

  • Discomfort is information, not anxiety
  • You don’t need proof to leave a situation
  • Being polite has put women in danger for generations
  • A man who ignores physical boundaries early will ignore bigger ones later
  • If your intuition whispers, listen — if it screams, run

Ignoring your gut doesn’t make you open-minded.

It makes you vulnerable.

Mr Avoidant: The Fantasist Who Never Intended to Stay

Then there was Mr Avoidant — someone I’d known briefly before, who had actually helped and advised me after The Mistake.

At first, he seemed different.

Attentive, Caring. Emotionally available. He listened. Asked questions. Showed understanding. I told him early on that I’d sworn to celibacy — that my body needed to belong to me again.

He said he respected it.

He talked about the future, About long-term plans, About a relationship. Even about going to Auschwitz together — somewhere I’ve always wanted to go but this was from the off and straight away I recognised the feeling immediately: love bombing.

I’ve learned something important about myself — I attract fantasists. Men who talk. Men who imagine. Men who build futures with words rather than actions.

Men who want the idea of me.

One night, we kissed. Just a kiss. A cuddle. No intimacy. During that moment, he said, “You’re dangerous.” I asked what he meant. He brushed it off — but I knew exactly what he meant.

After that night, the shift was immediate.

Avoidance. Excuses. Distance. Mixed signals.

Too ill to see me with a supposed chest infection — yet somehow well enough to win a padel tournament. Constant viewing of my Instagram stories within minutes of posting. Suddenly posting stories himself, despite never doing so before.

WhatsApp messages sent — then deleted before I could read them.

It felt unhinged.

I don’t do games.

There is a short window with me. Once I feel self-protection kick in, the switch goes off — and that’s not self-sabotage. That’s self-preservation.

The following week, I went back on dating apps.

And there he was, Back on them too.

You don’t get access to me while shopping for someone else. You don’t get my emotional energy while keeping your options open.

Reflection: Fantasists Want Access, Not Responsibility

Avoidant men love connection — until it requires consistency. They crave intimacy but panic when it becomes real.

They want you close enough to soothe them, but far enough that they don’t have to commit.

Lessons Learned: How to Spot an Avoidant Early

  • Words without follow-through are a red flag
  • If he’s still on dating apps, you’re not chosen
  • Mixed signals are the signal
  • Consistency is emotional maturity
  • If he disappears after intimacy (even emotional), believe the pattern

A man who wants you doesn’t confuse you.

He makes space. He makes plans. He shows up.

The Red Flags I Will Never Ignore Again

(And Neither Should You)

These aren’t dramatic.

They aren’t always obvious.

Most of them appear early — and we talk ourselves out of them.

Early Behavioural Red Flags

  • Intensity too soon — fair enough if its a month in, but i’m talking week 1 week 2.
  • Boundary testing on first or early dates (touching, closeness, pressure)
  • Discomfort in your body that you rationalise away
  • Inconsistent communication disguised as “busy” or “overwhelmed”
  • Charm paired with entitlement

Emotional & Psychological Red Flags

  • Making their feelings your responsibility
  • Subtle criticism framed as jokes, concern, or “help”
  • Playing victim while avoiding accountability
  • Blaming stress, substances, or mental health for harmful behaviour
  • Turning your empathy into a weapon

Consistency & Availability Red Flags

  • Talking about commitment without backing it up with action
  • Keeping you in conversation but vague about seeing you
  • Still active on dating apps while claiming interest
  • Hot–cold behaviour after intimacy (even emotional intimacy)
  • Making you feel anxious instead of grounded

Lifestyle & Coping Red Flags

  • Using drugs or alcohol to escape discomfort
  • Chaotic lives with no evidence of self-work
  • Expecting you to stabilise or rescue them
  • Treating therapy, growth, or accountability as optional

The Biggest Red Flag of All

  • You feel smaller, quieter, or less yourself around him
  • You start editing your needs to keep the peace
  • Your nervous system is on edge more than it’s at rest

Love does not feel like walking on eggshells.

Connection does not cost your health.

Desire does not require self-betrayal.

What 2025 Really Taught Me

It would be easy to frame 2025 as a year where I simply met the wrong men.

But that would let me off too lightly.

The truth is, I chose them.

Not consciously. Not maliciously. But through patterns I hadn’t fully interrupted yet.

The narcissist wanted power.

Airport Guy wanted comfort.

The Mistake wanted access.

The Avoidant wanted fantasy.

Different men — same outcome.

And while each of them was responsible for their behaviour, I have to be honest about my part in letting them close.

My Accountability

I didn’t attract these men because I’m weak.

I attracted them because I am open, emotionally literate, warm, and capable of holding space. I listen deeply. I give generously. I see people for who they could be — not just who they are in front of me.

That’s not a flaw.

But here’s where my responsibility lies:

I stayed too long in potential.

I rationalised early discomfort.

I confused intensity, kindness, or familiarity with readiness.

I allowed words to carry more weight than actions.

I also entered dating while still healing — believing I was strong enough to spot danger, without fully respecting how vulnerable that season made me.

That vulnerability didn’t make me stupid.

But it did lower my tolerance for red flags.

The Pattern I Finally Saw

Each of these men was offering something that looked like connection — but none of them were offering consistency.

And consistency is the only thing that makes love safe.

They talked.

They imagined.

They promised.

They performed.

But when it came to showing up — emotionally, practically, predictably — they disappeared, destabilised, or turned harmful.

What I learned is this:

If a man cannot meet you in reality, he will meet you in fantasy — and fantasy always collapses, its unsustainable!

We need to spot Green Flags!

The Green Flags of Real Love

(The Signs You Can Trust and Build With)

These are the behaviours and qualities that signal safety, consistency, and emotional availability. They’re not flashy or dramatic, they’re grounded in reality.

Early Behavioural Green Flags

  • Respects your boundaries — physical, emotional, and temporal
  • Doesn’t rush intimacy — values connection over convenience
  • Takes your discomfort seriously — validates it instead of brushing it off
  • Consistent communication — not overbearing, not disappearing

Emotional & Psychological Green Flags

  • Owns their emotions and mistakes — doesn’t blame you for their problems
  • Shows empathy without expectation — can see your perspective without needing to fix it
  • Encourages your growth — celebrates your strengths and supports your goals
  • Balances give-and-take — emotional labor isn’t one-sided

Consistency & Availability Green Flags

  • Follows through on plans — action matches words
  • Prioritizes quality time with you — without making excuses or distractions
  • Shows a genuine interest in getting to know you as a person
  • Keeps commitments — from simple promises to long-term discussions

Lifestyle & Coping Green Flags

  • Manages stress in healthy ways — doesn’t turn to substances to escape reality
  • Engages in self-work — therapy, reflection, or intentional growth
  • Seeks partnership, not rescue — wants a relationship of equals, not a project
  • Communicates openly — expresses needs and feelings honestly

The Biggest Green Flag of All

  • You feel fully yourself — at ease, grounded, excited, and safe
  • You can voice your needs without fear
  • You don’t feel anxious just being near him
  • You see a future and it feels like a shared love story…but you can still keep each other grounded without fear of love bombing.

Love should feel like a homecoming, not a battle.

Safety, respect, a man who is self aware and consistency are far sexier than drama, intensity, or unpredictability.

What I Want Other Women to Take From This

This isn’t about becoming colder, harder, or closed.

It’s about becoming clear.

  • Attraction without safety is not chemistry — it’s your nervous system reacting
  • Kindness without emotional capacity is not partnership
  • Words without follow-through are not hope — they are placeholders
  • If your body is in distress, your intuition already knows the truth

And most importantly:

You are not “too much” for wanting consistency.

You are not demanding for wanting clarity.

You are not difficult for expecting follow-through.

Those are the bare minimum requirements for love.

Where I Am Now

I no longer chase intensity, reassurance, or potential.

I look for:

  • Actions
  • Effort
  • Emotional regulation
  • Consistency over time

And if those things aren’t present, I don’t negotiate with myself anymore.

This isn’t bitterness.

It’s self-respect.

2025 didn’t break me.

It taught me how to stop abandoning myself.

And that lesson will change everything that comes next.